July 21, 2025 • 10 mins
Codependents have slips just like addicts do. Codependent slips aren't good for you or your relationships. You need to learn how to recognize when you are slipping back into unhealthy behavior so you can stop before you do things you regret. #codependency #toxicrelationship #dysfunctionalrelationship
Website: https://www.changemyrelationship.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChangeMyRelationship YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@changemyrelationship
Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/2sVGqgkTh3A
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
I want to talk to you
about something called codependent slips.
And what do I mean by that?
What I mean bythat is the same as an addict can relapse
or slip back into addiction behavior.
Codependence can slip backwardinto codependent behavior.
This is when you've made progress.
(00:42):
You've gotten to where you're lesscodependent,
or you're not reactingin a codependent way to a certain person
or to a certain situation,and then all of a sudden
you're back into reacting,
codependentlyand acting the way that you used to.
So what is a codependent slip?
(01:04):
Well, there are some signs
that are kind of classicthat you can watch for that will help
you know that you are reactingin a codependent way.
And the first one is you find yourselfjumping
into other people's relationshipsor other people's business.
(01:25):
So you find yourself saying, oh, okay,I'll call and talk to them for you,
or I'll take care of that, or I'll
ask her what she thinks about thatand get back to you.
So in other words, you're trying to do
what somebody elseshould be me to be doing for themselves.
(01:45):
So you notice that you are
getting into other people's stuff,and when you're not behaving
codependent, you recognizeI'm not going to triangulate.
I'm not going to get into the middlewith other people.
I'm not going to do somethingthat somebody else
should be doing for themselves.
(02:06):
And when you so when you notice that urge.
And it's interestingbecause that one in particular lately
I've been noticing myselfthat I'll have that thought.
Well, I'll do that.
And I stop myself and I'll say, no,I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to let it go.
And it feels really goodto not respond to that urge.
(02:28):
And, it's it's goodbecause it keeps you from getting involved
and it keeps you from getting, exhaustedand to getting into problems
with other people.
So the next one isyou notice that you're giving advice.
You start telling people what to do
when somebody presents a problem to youor a situation or a dilemma.
(02:49):
You say things like,you should blank or why don't you blank?
Or you start working at tryingto figure out
what the person should doso you can tell the person what to do.
Again, you can be concerned.
You can be caring.
(03:10):
You can be interested.
But it is not your responsibility to givethe other person advice for what to do.
And it's a really good habit.
Even with your own kids, toget into a, place where you start asking
even your young children questions like,what do you think you should do?
(03:31):
Or what are your choices?
Or what are you thinkingmight help the situation so that your kids
get used to trying to problemsolve for themselves.
The next one is to
you start thinking about whatsomebody else is thinking about you.
You start worrying,what is that person thinking?
(03:51):
What is that person?
What if that person doesn't like me?
What if that person thinks that?
I’m mean, or what if that person doesn'tthink I'm doing a good job?
Or what if that person doesn't want me inthis group or whatever the situation is.
So you start worrying.
What is somebody else thinking about me?
Again, one of the things that you know,when you are working on your codependency
(04:16):
is that it's none of your businesswhat somebody else is thinking about you.
You can't get in the other person's head.
You don't have to knowwhat another person is thinking,
and you don't have to changewhat another person is thinking about you.
And you don't have to please that person
or change yourselfto get that person to like you.
(04:38):
So the next one is that you noticethat you are neglecting your needs.
Maybe not just one time,but it's becoming more habitual
for you to neglect your ownneeds to take care of someone else.
And we do this in a balance,our own needs,
and then we give what we needto give to other people,
especially in relationships where we arehave a commitment
(05:03):
and we have responsibilitiesand we balance these.
But when you notice that you're startingto get unbalanced
and it's more about taking careof the other person
or doing for the other person,or you notice that you are putting
somebody else's needs before yours, you'regetting back into that codependent mode.
(05:24):
The next one is, the obsession.
When you notice yourself becoming obsessedabout somebody else's choices,
somebody else's behavioran obsession, you're going to notice that
because your mind is goingto be continually processing it,
thinking about it, stirring over it,wondering, what can I do?
(05:45):
How can I fix this?
And so you can't pull your thoughtsand your
your focus off of this other person.
So when you find yourself becomingobsessed about what somebody else is doing
that's back in codependent behavior,
the next one is you notice that
the worry, the concernand the thoughts is affecting your health
(06:09):
or affecting your sleepor causing you to be very stressed.
So you're noticing effects of
your thinkingand your focus on your physical health,
your emotional health,psychological health.
And you're recognizing that this isnegatively impacting you once again.
(06:29):
So you're not detaching.
You're not letting go of this.
You're againallowing it to hurt you physically.
Because we know that codependence tendto, often get sick
because of their focuson trying to fix another person.
And the next one is
that you are saying yes to thingswithout thinking.
(06:55):
So somebody brings upsomething that you could
volunteer for,something that you could, do.
Somebody needs to do something.
And before you know it, once againyou're saying, oh, okay, I'll do that.
I'll do thatrather than what you should do.
Always when somebody asks you to dosomething is you should say,
I'll think about it.
(07:15):
I'll get back to you, okay?
Rather than automatically sayingyes when you're automatically saying
yes and you're not saying noto some things
and you're not taking the time to think,to think through.
This is, again,back into coded codependent behavior
because you are taking on too much.
(07:37):
You are not owning your rightto say no, thinking about it
and having boundariesfor what you will commit to.
And what do we know that that worksinto eventually
exhaustion and burnout?
So again, these signs of falling backinto codependent,
(07:59):
codependent behavior are codependent slip,
are things that you need to watch out for,
and it might not be a bad ideafor you to think about yourself.
What are the indications
for you specifically,maybe even just three,
and put them in your journalor things that you need to watch for,
(08:22):
things that will helpyou know that your beginning
to enter into a codependent slip,and then you can watch for that.
Okay.
And then just rememberingGod does not want us to be codependent.
Scripture talks very clearly to us
about taking care of ourselves
(08:42):
and taking care of others,not just caring for others,
not just thinking abouthow other people are doing,
and that we are not responsiblefor forcing other people to change,
and having to be the oneto figure things out.
Each person has their own responsibilityto do this for themselves.
So I hope thinking about codependentslips will be really helpful for you.
(09:06):
And I hope that you have gotten yourselffamiliar with my resources at this point.
My classes, my books,all of the things that I have,
you can access thatby going to my website,
ChangeMyRelationship.com.
And, I hope to hear from youif you have any questions.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
(09:30):
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(09:52):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
I want to talk to you
about something called codependent slips.
And what do I mean by that?
What I mean bythat is the same as an addict can relapse
or slip back into addiction behavior.
Codependence can slip backwardinto codependent behavior.
This is when you've made progress.
(00:42):
You've gotten to where you're lesscodependent,
or you're not reactingin a codependent way to a certain person
or to a certain situation,and then all of a sudden
you're back into reacting,
codependentlyand acting the way that you used to.
So what is a codependent slip?
(01:04):
Well, there are some signs
that are kind of classicthat you can watch for that will help
you know that you are reactingin a codependent way.
And the first one is you find yourselfjumping
into other people's relationshipsor other people's business.
(01:25):
So you find yourself saying, oh, okay,I'll call and talk to them for you,
or I'll take care of that, or I'll
ask her what she thinks about thatand get back to you.
So in other words, you're trying to do
what somebody elseshould be me to be doing for themselves.
(01:45):
So you notice that you are
getting into other people's stuff,and when you're not behaving
codependent, you recognizeI'm not going to triangulate.
I'm not going to get into the middlewith other people.
I'm not going to do somethingthat somebody else
should be doing for themselves.
(02:06):
And when you so when you notice that urge.
And it's interestingbecause that one in particular lately
I've been noticing myselfthat I'll have that thought.
Well, I'll do that.
And I stop myself and I'll say, no,I'm not going to do that.
I'm going to let it go.
And it feels really goodto not respond to that urge.
(02:28):
And, it's it's goodbecause it keeps you from getting involved
and it keeps you from getting, exhaustedand to getting into problems
with other people.
So the next one isyou notice that you're giving advice.
You start telling people what to do
when somebody presents a problem to youor a situation or a dilemma.
(02:49):
You say things like,you should blank or why don't you blank?
Or you start working at tryingto figure out
what the person should doso you can tell the person what to do.
Again, you can be concerned.
You can be caring.
(03:10):
You can be interested.
But it is not your responsibility to givethe other person advice for what to do.
And it's a really good habit.
Even with your own kids, toget into a, place where you start asking
even your young children questions like,what do you think you should do?
(03:31):
Or what are your choices?
Or what are you thinkingmight help the situation so that your kids
get used to trying to problemsolve for themselves.
The next one is to
you start thinking about whatsomebody else is thinking about you.
You start worrying,what is that person thinking?
(03:51):
What is that person?
What if that person doesn't like me?
What if that person thinks that?
I’m mean, or what if that person doesn'tthink I'm doing a good job?
Or what if that person doesn't want me inthis group or whatever the situation is.
So you start worrying.
What is somebody else thinking about me?
Again, one of the things that you know,when you are working on your codependency
(04:16):
is that it's none of your businesswhat somebody else is thinking about you.
You can't get in the other person's head.
You don't have to knowwhat another person is thinking,
and you don't have to changewhat another person is thinking about you.
And you don't have to please that person
or change yourselfto get that person to like you.
(04:38):
So the next one is that you noticethat you are neglecting your needs.
Maybe not just one time,but it's becoming more habitual
for you to neglect your ownneeds to take care of someone else.
And we do this in a balance,our own needs,
and then we give what we needto give to other people,
especially in relationships where we arehave a commitment
(05:03):
and we have responsibilitiesand we balance these.
But when you notice that you're startingto get unbalanced
and it's more about taking careof the other person
or doing for the other person,or you notice that you are putting
somebody else's needs before yours, you'regetting back into that codependent mode.
(05:24):
The next one is, the obsession.
When you notice yourself becoming obsessedabout somebody else's choices,
somebody else's behavioran obsession, you're going to notice that
because your mind is goingto be continually processing it,
thinking about it, stirring over it,wondering, what can I do?
(05:45):
How can I fix this?
And so you can't pull your thoughtsand your
your focus off of this other person.
So when you find yourself becomingobsessed about what somebody else is doing
that's back in codependent behavior,
the next one is you notice that
the worry, the concernand the thoughts is affecting your health
(06:09):
or affecting your sleepor causing you to be very stressed.
So you're noticing effects of
your thinkingand your focus on your physical health,
your emotional health,psychological health.
And you're recognizing that this isnegatively impacting you once again.
(06:29):
So you're not detaching.
You're not letting go of this.
You're againallowing it to hurt you physically.
Because we know that codependence tendto, often get sick
because of their focuson trying to fix another person.
And the next one is
that you are saying yes to thingswithout thinking.
(06:55):
So somebody brings upsomething that you could
volunteer for,something that you could, do.
Somebody needs to do something.
And before you know it, once againyou're saying, oh, okay, I'll do that.
I'll do thatrather than what you should do.
Always when somebody asks you to dosomething is you should say,
I'll think about it.
(07:15):
I'll get back to you, okay?
Rather than automatically sayingyes when you're automatically saying
yes and you're not saying noto some things
and you're not taking the time to think,to think through.
This is, again,back into coded codependent behavior
because you are taking on too much.
(07:37):
You are not owning your rightto say no, thinking about it
and having boundariesfor what you will commit to.
And what do we know that that worksinto eventually
exhaustion and burnout?
So again, these signs of falling backinto codependent,
(07:59):
codependent behavior are codependent slip,
are things that you need to watch out for,
and it might not be a bad ideafor you to think about yourself.
What are the indications
for you specifically,maybe even just three,
and put them in your journalor things that you need to watch for,
(08:22):
things that will helpyou know that your beginning
to enter into a codependent slip,and then you can watch for that.
Okay.
And then just rememberingGod does not want us to be codependent.
Scripture talks very clearly to us
about taking care of ourselves
(08:42):
and taking care of others,not just caring for others,
not just thinking abouthow other people are doing,
and that we are not responsiblefor forcing other people to change,
and having to be the oneto figure things out.
Each person has their own responsibilityto do this for themselves.
So I hope thinking about codependentslips will be really helpful for you.
(09:06):
And I hope that you have gotten yourselffamiliar with my resources at this point.
My classes, my books,all of the things that I have,
you can access thatby going to my website,
ChangeMyRelationship.com.
And, I hope to hear from youif you have any questions.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
(09:30):
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(09:52):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
24/7 News: The Latest
The latest news in 4 minutes updated every hour, every day.