Detaching from Accusations

Detaching from accusations means knowing how to not take false accusations to heart and instead letting them go. Detaching allows you to keep your reactions under control and instead choosing how to respond. Learn how to do that by watching this video. #Detachment #KeepingControl #EmotionalControl #Acusations

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.

(00:20):
I'm gonna talk to you
about detachingfrom accusations.
I talk a lot about detachingin my written material
and in my classesand in my videos,
because detaching is a very,very healthy and powerful
principle that you can applyto your difficult relationships.

(00:41):
And detaching is healthyfor all relationships.
People do it.
And in healthy relationships,automatically.
We need to learn to do itin our difficult relationships.
And what it simply meansis to let it go, to not take on
what somebody else doesor says or believes,

(01:03):
because you area separate person
who can make a decision yourselfabout what you believe
and what you thinkand what you experience.
You don't need somebody elseto tell you.
You can make your own choice.
I don't careif that person is your spouse.

(01:26):
I don't care if that personis your parent or your mother
or your child or somebodythat you really look up to.
You are a separate individualbefore God and you have your own
feelings, your own thoughts,your own opinions,
and you get to stick to thoseif you know that that is true,

(01:47):
okay for youand that is your experience.
So what is an accusation?
It's somethingthat someone accuses you of
and you'regoing to detach from it.
So when someone says to youyou're blank,
you can fill in the blank.What is it?
Mean, stubborn, proud,
stupid, naive, controlling,

(02:10):
jealous, unfaithful, lazy.
Whateverit is, fill in the blank.
What is someone accusing you of?
Your blank?
Someone says that about you.
You've got to say to yourself,is that true?
Am I that you've got to knowyourself?

(02:32):
You've got to havea, an awareness of who you are.
You've got to be ableto separate yourself from
what's said so that you can sayit's not true for me.
If it is even occasionally,then own it.
Yeah, sometimes I am.
I'm sorry.
I'll work on that. Okay.
You can admit to somethingthat's true.

(02:54):
That's healthy.
You don't want to just detachfrom everything and be defensive
and say nobody's going to eversay anything negative about me,
or criticize me or sayanything about me. I'm.
I'm perfect.
I'm okay.
No, you probably knowpeople like that.
That's not healthy.
You want to basically

(03:14):
be able to stand back and say,is that true?
Okay.
And if it is sometimes true,
if it's safein this relationship,
like I said, you own it,you admit it, you work on it,
and maybe you have to asksomebody else. Is that true?
Sometimes about me,somebody you trust
that will be honest with you,that isn't
against you and doesn't see,that sees you, honestly,

(03:39):
and find out isthere is there truth to that?
But if it's
not true,then you have to detach from it.
You've got to let it go.
You've got to say, this isn't true.
That is not I'm not perfect.
I've got faults,but that's not one of them.
And in this particularrelationship,
that is not true about me.

(04:00):
And this person
is using this accusationto control me or to get
what is wanted, to get their ownway, to get me to give
in, to get meto give up my own rights,
my own powerto get me, to manipulate me,
to get me to, do somethingthat isn't in my own
best interests or maybe isn'thealthy for the relationship.

(04:23):
So if it isn't true,
you might.
If it's if you're capableand the person
is capableof thinking about their own.
Self and why they might be
accusing you of somethingthat's not true,
maybe you can havea conversation about it.
Okay, you're telling me thatI mean, or you're telling me

(04:46):
that I'm lazy or you'retelling me that I'm selfish?
Help me understandwhy you think that.
I mean, maybe to sayI'm not sure why you think that.
Because I don't see that behavior
that you're describing a selfishas being selfish.
I see that as self-care.
If this person is opento a conversation
and can hear you and allow youto explain yourself, then great!

(05:11):
Have a conversation.
But if this personis not capable
of having a conversation,then you might want to not
put yourself through the stressand the strain
of having a conversationabout that.
There's some wisdom to that.
You might just say,okay, that's not true.
And maybe you might sayto the person, that's not true,

(05:33):
but not try to explainwhy it's not true or not
try to get the person to agreewith you that it's not true.
So what are some of the reasonsthat somebody
might accuse you of something,but then not be able to have
a reasonable conversationabout it?
And one of those is they mightbe projecting their own

(05:56):
behavior, their
own problems, onto you, things
that they can't ownin themselves.
I've been in relationships
where had somebody accused meof being mean and very,
hardheaded and, hard heartedand unwilling
to look at myself,which was absolutely not true.
Again, I wasn't perfect,but that was not true about me.

(06:19):
I was the opposite.
I was overly looking at myself.
I was overly,
taking responsibility for thingsthat weren't even mine.
And I was willing to go
to therapy and look at myselfand see what I was doing wrong.
And I was almost giving myself,
like I said,too much responsibility.
So those things were not true.

(06:42):
However, they were true
about the other personwho was absolutely unwilling
to look at themselvesand see what it was
that was contributingto the relationship problem.
So projecting their own
behaviorsonto you, their own problems.
The other one is defensivenesscomes from

(07:05):
not taking on the responsibilityand being willing to look
at themselves.
So it's like being blindpeople are oftentimes blind
to their own behaviors.
So yes,
maybe they'reprojecting it on you,
or maybe they're justblind to it
and they're accusing youof something and they have no
understanding as to why.
It could be

(07:25):
that they are accusing youbecause they have an agenda.
And the agenda is,like I explained, is to get you
to do what they want.
Like, if I accuse you of being
selfish,then you're going to give in
to what I want
right now, and you're going todo everything I want you to do.
And I'm not even goingto have to explain why,
because I'm just goingto accuse you of being selfish.
Selfish,and you're going to give in.

(07:47):
So the accusation could bewith a come with an agenda.
Also,
somebody could havea distorted perception of you
and be so convinced that
that perceptionis from their own distortion,
that that perception is true,that you can't convince them

(08:08):
no matter what you explain,you can't convince them.
This could come from somebody,for instance, I was explaining
like selfish somebodywho is very dysfunctional
and who has a belief systemthat says,
never put yourself first.
And any time you put yourselffirst, the person is selfish.
Any timea person cares about their own

(08:29):
needs and puts their ownneeds ahead of the family,
that person is selfish.
You are probably not
going to convince that personthat you're not selfish.
So you get to choosehow much energy do I want
to put intoconvincing this person or I do?
I just want to save my strengthand save my energy
and not try and just basically

(08:53):
detach from it and say,I'm not going to change them.
I'm not going to convince them,
but I'm not going to believe it.
So there are,
you know, all kinds of reasonswhy you might want to try
to explain it to the person,but there are lots of reasons
why you'renot going to get anywhere.
And we always have to take that

(09:13):
into considerationin dysfunctional relationships.
Now, if the accusation isa legal accusation
and it could hurt you, thenyou want to protect yourself.
If the accusation is affectingyou and your job
in your other relationships,then you have to make
a very wise decision as towhat do you need to do to either

(09:38):
talk to the people who arebelieving you, believing it,
or hearing it, or to presentthe evidence that you need
to protect yourselfor to defend yourself.
All of these are very importantdecisions.
You might want to get counselfor them.
You might want to talk tosomebody else who is wise

(09:59):
and or go to, say, HR
at work,or consult with an attorney.
So there are some accusationsthat are dangerous
and can can hurt you.
I have had circumstanceswhere people have,
asked me about accusationsthat have been made about them

(10:19):
that could have legalramifications
by a family member,say, of abuse or something.
And those are very seriousaccusations.
If somebody is accusing you
of something like thator suggesting it,
and that could get you inlegal trouble, you do need to be
very wiseabout how you handle things

(10:40):
like that, or accusing youof stealing money from somebody.
Say that you're a trusteeof a trust, or somebody who's
accusing you of stealing moneyfrom k elderly parent.
All of these are reasonsthat you have got to be careful.
So this is again talking aboutdetaching from accusations.

(11:01):
So I hope thatthis has been helpful.
I hope that you are familiar
with my website,ChangeMyRelationship.com,
all of my resources, includingmy books and my studies.
And I hopethat you have checked out
my studiesthat are on my ten relationship
changing principles, one ofwhich is detaching with love.

(11:23):
And I often make the statementthat if I can
teach you to detach,I can set you free.
And it is absolutely true.
So thank youfor watching this video on
Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.

(11:44):
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more information on

(12:04):
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.