Don't JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain

Dealing with difficult and dysfunctional people isn't easy. Doing the things you would do with healthy people doesn't work. This video offers an easy-to-remember acronym in "Don't JADE."  This reminds you not to justify, argue, defend or explain because it only makes things worse. #dysfunctionalrelationship #difficultpeople #detaching #detachment #JADE

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:20):
I'm going to give you a helpful tool
that you can usein dysfunctional relationships.
In healthy relationships.
Dialog is open.
People can talk about how they think,what they feel, what they believe.
Even when it's differentfrom the other person,
they can go back and forthand they can explain, and they can argue

(00:43):
and they can justifyand they can defend their beliefs.
The other person who is healthyseeks to understand, seeks to listen
and to get more informationabout the other person.
They're open. They're open minded.
But in difficult relationships,people are not.

(01:05):
They are not often not open minded.
They are often close minded.
They often do not listen to understand.
Instead, they listen to argueand to justify their own opinions
and to only have what they want.
And believe to be the thingthat you're talking about.

(01:27):
So in our dysfunctional relationships,
we often have to accept those thingsand make adjustments. Why?
Because we want to take care of ourselves.
We don't want to wasteour emotional energy or our time
trying to explain something and arguesomething, and defend ourselves

(01:48):
to a person who is not interestedin hearing what you have to say,
and getting understandingabout how you feel and how you think.
So there are tools that we usein those dysfunctional relationships,
and one of those is called don't JADE.
And it means don't do four things,

(02:09):
don't J don't A don't D, and don't E.
What are those? First is don't justify.
Proverbs 26:4 says, do not answer a fool
according to his folly,or you will be like him yourself.
Wow. That means if you try to justify

(02:30):
what you think and believe with somebodywho does not want to listen to you,
that you are going to end up actingjust as foolish as that person.
So it means you don't justify.
You don't try to prove with the thingsthat you're saying
that you are rightand the person is wrong.

(02:50):
It's only going to lead you to endless
discussionthat is going to waste your time.
And in the end,the person has not listened to you
and is not willingto consider your viewpoints.
The next is don't argue for the A.
Proverbs 15:18 says A hot tempered person

(03:13):
stirs up conflict,but one who is patient calms a quarrel.
Now, a difficult personis going to argue with you.
They're going to argue with you endlessly.
Sometimes they argue just to arguebecause they like it.
Sometimes they argue because they want todraw you in and get you frustrated
to where you end up getting mad,and then they can point the finger at you.

(03:36):
Sometimes they want you to arguebecause they're feeling like they're
kind of in a bad mood, and they want youto be in a bad mood with them.
So you don't want to argue,you don't want to get drawn into that
and not arguingmeans that you don't participate.
If that person is arguing with youand telling you
why you're wrong and why they're rightand they're raising their voice

(03:59):
and they're getting, kind of pumped upand they're, escalating it.
You don't participate.
You literally refuseto get into an argument
and they can't have an argumentby themselves.
So basically, you're going to keep itfrom getting out of hand,
turning into a conflictthat gets your energy

(04:23):
and your time wastedand get you upset when you walk away.
The next one is Dand it stands for defend.
Proverbs 15:1you probably know a gentle answer
turns away wrath,but a harsh word stirs up anger.
So when you defend,it means that you're getting kind

(04:44):
of agitated and defensivemeans that you've put up a shield
and you're trying to protect yourselffrom being attacked.
And one way that you do that is not onlyprotecting yourself with the shield.
So you're not attackedas you attack the other person.
So it's kind of like you're going,I'm going to defend myself from you,
and then I'm going to attack youbecause I expect you to attack me.

(05:05):
And so it ends up getting into, conflictand it ends up escalating.
So you've got to not defend you.
Which sounds really weird,because, of course,
you have a right to defend yourselfwhen somebody's saying something or not
listen or
accusing you of something, you have a
right to defend about how you feeland what you think and your opinions, or

(05:25):
how you perceive that something happenedor something that you're upset about.
But it doesn't work with awith a difficult, dysfunctional person.
It is going to go nowhere.
So you've got to give up that defending.
Don't defend.
Don't protect yourselffrom attacks in terms of arguing.
Maybe you have to walk away.
And that's the way that you're goingto protect yourself from an attack.

(05:46):
But don't hold upor put yourself into a defensive position
where you're defending the next one.
Last one is don't explain and the E.
Proverbs 12:23 the prudentkeep their knowledge
to themselves,but a fool's heart blurts out folly.

(06:07):
with difficult people explainingyour story, explaining all your reasons,
explaining what happened, whyyou feel like you feel it's going nowhere.
And oftentimes when we do that, we givetoo much knowledge to the other person.
And sometimes dysfunctional peoplewill use it against us.
Sometimes they will take the preciousthings of your heart that you explain,

(06:31):
and they will trod all over them,and they will use them against you.
They'll bring it up at a timewhen they want to, hold
something over your heador they'll ridicule you.
So you need to give up explaining.
Why do you do this?
Why do you don't justify, don't argue,
don't defend and don't explainbecause it doesn't work.

(06:53):
If you're with a healthy person and you'retrying to explain your viewpoint,
you can justify itand you can argue in a constructive way,
and you can defend itand you can explain it.
But if you do thatwith the dysfunctional person,
you are wasting your precious timeand your precious energy.
The best thing to do is to just leaveit be.

(07:17):
Recognize that this person doesn'twant to understand,
doesn't want to get to knowor get more insight
into how you're feelingor what bothers you, or what you believe.
And maybe take that informationand ponder that for a while.
Think about it and recognizethis is who you're dealing with.
Now, sometimes these people are peoplethat are going to be in our lives

(07:40):
like our parents or a sibling,and what we're going to do is we're going
to learn to live beside them,and we're going to take care of ourselves.
We're going to set boundaries.
We're going to speak our truth,but we're not going to enter into this,
we're not going to JADEso that we get drawn
into conflict,that we would rather not have,

(08:01):
but we can still do thingsto protect ourselves
and take care of ourselvesand set boundaries when we need to.
Sometimes this will give you insightinto somebody
you're dating and or a friend,or even a marriage partner.
And you might recognize,you know what I need?
Maybe I need to end this relationship.
I need to end this friendship, thisnot a healthy person who cares about me,

(08:23):
or I need to end this dating relationship.
And in a marriage,maybe you need to get some help, set
some boundariesand see if you can get some change.
So again, this helpful Tip
don't JADE with a dysfunctional person.
Do not justify, do not argue,
do not defend and do not explain.

(08:46):
So do you do those things?
And are you willing to rememberto not JADE,
when you are in a conversationwith a difficult person?
Thank you for watching this
video on Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.

(09:06):
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on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla

(09:28):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.