December 15, 2025 • 21 mins
Healing from sexual betrayal is a complex process that involves navigating the six stages of grief. Betrayal trauma recovery is necessary when trust has been violated by someone who should have been faithful and trustworthy. It is necessary to heal from all types of infidelity: emotional and sexual affairs, sexual addiction, prostitution, and any other sexual acting out. The betrayal involves many losses, which must be grieved to heal. Understanding the process helps make sense of this deeply painful and devastating experience. Knowing there is healing at the end gives hope when otherwise it would seem hopeless. Healing from sexual betrayal involves navigating the six stages of the grief journey. Watch this video to learn what each stage involves so you have an idea of what you need to go through. #betrayaltraumarecovery #healingfrominfidelity #griefjourney
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
One of the most painful thingsyou can go through in
(00:21):
an intimate relationshipis a sexual betrayal.
Whether that is an affair,physical affair,
an emotional affair,a sexual addiction,
or anything elsethat breaks that special bond
that you have with your partnerin with fidelity
(00:42):
is incredibly disruptiveand hard to go through.
Like anything else in life,you will have to go
through the grief process.
The grief process is normallyfive stages.
It is very similarto what you normally go
through withjust a little bit of difference.
(01:05):
So I'm going to apply itto a sexual betrayal.
This also could be,betrayal with money
where you thought somebodywas putting your money away,
and then all of a suddenyou found out that,
your spouse had been hiding
all the moneyand gambling it away
or spending it onsomething else, or.
And then all of a sudden,you have no money left
(01:27):
to enter retirement.
Or if your childwas stealing money,
or if a parent betrayedyou and gave all the money
to your sibling and didn'tleave you with anything,
when the idea was always
presented as if they were going
to leave youwith part of their inheritance,
or a friend stole moneyin a business, or undermined
(01:48):
you andand took the business from you.
Any type of betrayalwould be this.
But I'm going to focus on,
the grief process that you gothrough from a sexual betrayal,
because that's most likely
the people that would belooking for the video.
So the first thing that you gothrough
(02:09):
is shock, shock and denial.
So any time that we havesomething happen
that's kind of out of nowherethat we didn't expect,
we are going to go throughan emotional shock.
Emotionalshock means that it's just
it's seems impossible.
(02:30):
You you disbelieve it. You.
It can't be true.
So and then along with that,sometimes you deny it.
You may go to throughshock, like denial.
And then as you're startingto kind of process it,
it'll be like, oh my gosh,I can't believe this happened.
And no, it can't be true.It can't be true.
I've noticed with myselfthat when I go through that,
(02:53):
that I will often wake upin the middle of the night,
and when I'min the middle of shock
with something I didn't expectthat I'm dealing with,
and I'll wake upin the middle of night
and I'll think the first thingthat will pop into my mind is,
no, it's not true.
It can't be true.And then it'll be, but it is.
No, it's not,it can't be true. But it is.
And it's like you're you're
(03:16):
the world is trying to get youto see the truth.
But your subconscious,your conscious,
your emotions are tryingto put blinders on
and you're going to go backand forth with this until it's
somethingthat you can slowly begin to
accept
(03:36):
or embrace as really happening.
So you could feel some numbness,
you could feel somelike inability to function
like you have troublegetting up for work.
You have trouble figuring outwhat clothes to wear.
You have trouble decidingwhat to eat.
You have troublefocusing on anything else.
Just taking care of the kidsfeels impossible.
(03:59):
Writing out a check,thinking about a project
that you need to do or somethingthat you need to do at work,
you could just find yourselfbarely functioning.
Shock is actually an emotionalshock, as you might feel numb.
You might feel likekind of tingly
or kind of shut downor disassociated
(04:21):
or just kind of likein another world.
All of those are kind ofsymptoms of shock,
something that, you didn'texpect to happen, that you're
all of a sudden confronted with
having to recognize.
And it's just,I think it's God's grace
that we do this becauserather than being dysfunctional,
(04:45):
it is kind of like a buffer.
It givesyou like the time to slowly
come to terms with somethingthat might be so overwhelming.
If you had to embrace itimmediately that maybe you just
it would be push youover the edge, right?
So it's our bodies do thisphysically when we're in
(05:07):
an accident or we're shotor something is super painful.
The body naturally kicksin the endorphins,
which are the, pain.
Like the natural body'snatural analgesic.
It is the way that the bodykeeps
you from feelingall the pain of an injury,
(05:28):
which is wonderful becausethen you are not going to just,
you know, be unableto tolerate it.
So it'skind of like God's natural shock
absorber at the beginning whensomething is just too painful.
Now these phases,you can go in and out them,
(05:49):
go back and forth as you'reconfronted with a little bit
more of the reality,or you find something new out
or you get a little bit farand then you feel
a little bit insecureand you step backwards,
you might jump forwardand then jump back.
So this isthey don't have to be linear.
So just understand themand recognize
(06:09):
when you're going through them.
The next one is pain and guilt.
So a little bit of shockhas worn off.
And the first thing when you'reconfronted with betrayal is,
oh my gosh,
it's my fault.
I should have done somethingdifferent.
It's my faultand it's incredibly painful.
(06:33):
So you have intenseemotional pain
and a lot of self-blame,like looking at yourself
and feeling like, oh,I wasn't enough.
I wasn't a good enough partner.
I wasn't a good enough spouse.
I wasn't a good enough,sexual partner.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't good looking enough.
(06:53):
I wasn't ableto make enough money.
I wasn't ableto be the right person.
I failed, in whatever way thatyou're thinking that you failed.
So it's that self-blame
is literally comes
typically before you blamethe person who's doing it.
(07:14):
So it's,you think I am worthless?
I wasn't
enough tokeep this person from straying.
I wasn't enoughto keep this person off of porn.
I wasn't enough
to keep this person fromlooking outside the marriage
when that's not true, okay?
(07:35):
It's a personal choice.
For somebody to engage inthose things
has nothing to do with you.
It has to dowith the other person's
character,the other person's choices.
But that is the natural thingto do.
It is out of your control.
It is overwhelming.
(07:55):
It is incredibly painful.
What do we do?
We automatically lookto ourselves and think,
if I, if I if it's my fault,
then maybe there's somethingI can do to fix it.
It's not uncommon
when you found outthat your spouse is, betrayed
you, is having an affair,or is even in
(08:17):
just an emotional affairat the office or,
looking at pornthat you think, well,
how can I make myselfmore attractive?
So maybe you'll goget a different haircut.
You start. Will weardifferent clothes.
You'llthink about how you can become
more sexualor sexually attractive to where.
You're thinking,
if I can only get this personto look at me again,
(08:41):
then I won't have to dealwith all this.
All of this will go away.
So it might be in thatpanic, that panic that comes
before you get to a place
where you can workthrough all of this.
The panic that sets inwhen you come out
of that shock and denial is,
I gotta, I gotta fix this.
(09:02):
I got to figure out what to do
to make this go away,to win this person back.
And that's a phase.
And don't beat yourself up.
It's pretty common for youto do something like that.
It might even beg the person,please, like, don't break up
our family. Don'tbreak up our marriage.
(09:22):
Don't, stop doing this
or quit your job,or let's run away or let's move
or let's have another baby,or let's get a different house,
or let'sgo into that business together
that you've always wanted to do.
Just that panic of appeasing,to try to get this to go away.
And then at some point
(09:43):
you go into anger,
anger and resentment.
Anger
at the betrayal,at the injustice,
at the wrongness of this persondoing this to you.
Like, how could you?
And it can be intense.
You can want to destroythat person.
(10:04):
You could want to tell the worldabout it.
You can want to go after ifthere's another person involved,
you can want to destroythat other person's life
or confrontthat other person, or damage
your partner's propertybecause you want to just act out
on that ragethat you're feeling.
(10:26):
You got to be careful.
You don't want to do
things that you will regret,but it's okay to feel the anger.
And sometimes the anger is atGod. Like God.
Why didn't you stop it? God?
Why didn'tyou let me figure this out?
God, why didn't you let me,see what was happening?
I can also be yourself.
Like, why didn't I get it?Why didn't I see it?
(10:47):
Why did I ignore the signs?
Why did I not put twoand two together and get four
so that I could figure this outsoon enough or sooner
and orand I could have prevented it,
by setting an early boundaryor something.
So, I mean,the anger can be really strong
and really intenseand and it can last a while.
(11:07):
the anger and just at yourselffor not seeing it
and not recognizing it,
especially if it's somethingthat's going on for a long time.
And, as you are looking at this
and now little images
are coming into your mindand you're thinking
that that was a sign.That was a sign.
That was a sign.
I ignored those signs.
I was ignorant and I was stupid.
(11:28):
Why didn't I get it when this,my spouse kept going out of town
and, all of a suddenwas dressing differently or,
staying late at work or whateverit was that was going on.
It's like,why didn’t I see that? So
let yourself have the anger.
This is where Christians mess upbecause they think,
oh, I can't be angrybecause be angry and sin not.
(11:50):
It's like,
well, I better not, betternot tell my spouse I'm angry.
I better not let them knowI'm really angry.
How could you do this to me?
And I'm not allowed to be angrywith God.
Anger is a normal,
godly reaction to injustice,
a normal, godly reactionto wrongdoing.
(12:10):
Having your partner betray you,cheat on you is wrong.
It's okay to be angry with that.
God is. God hates it.
God's not okay with it.
You can be angry too
just don't do anythingyou regret
and don't hurt someone, right?
(12:31):
You don't.
You want, but to havethe anger is totally normal.
Totally okay.
And thenyou go through the bargaining,
the bargainingand the, kind of like
trying to figure outhow could I have prevented it.
So this is a little bitkind of an outcropping
(12:51):
of the anger at yourselftoward in God for like, why?
And even your spouse,the other person, maybe
in the person that your spouseis having the affair with?
If only this had happened, thenthis would have prevented it.
So, you know, just if only Godhad had allowed me to see this.
(13:12):
If only I had seen it sooner.
If only I had, goneinto business with my spouse
when he orshe asked me to do that.
If only we had moved,
if onlyI hadn't gone back to work,
and I had was able to givemy spouse more attention.
If only I had.
If only he hadn'tswitched to this new job.
(13:33):
If only she hadn't
gone backto work after the baby.
Whateverit is, just the bargaining.
And this is again part of oursubconscious unconscious mind
figuring out how we could nothave to deal with this like I.
If only this inthis had been different,
(13:55):
I would not be dealingwith this pain right now.
I would not have to keep workingthrough this grief process
and figure out how to get to aplace of acceptance and healing.
From this,I would not be dealing with it.
So it'sjust another layer of our brains
trying to come to terms with it.
(14:16):
All of these are healthy.
All of these are necessary.
All of these are good.
All of these will allow youto get to the end, which is
a necessaryplace to process the grief
so that you are not heldback by it.
You don't want to bestuck in denial.
(14:37):
You don't want to bestuck in bargaining.
You don't want to bestuck in anger.
You don't want to bestuck in self blaming.
You don't want to be stuckin the intense pain.
The next one is sadness.
That's where you just feelthe depression.
You withdraw from people.
You feel isolated.
You lose youryour feelings of pleasure.
(15:00):
You don't care about anything.
You're just depressed.You can't get out of bed.
You don't have hope.
You feel like your life is over.
You feel likenothing will ever be good again.
You just.
It's this feeling of actuallythat we associate with grief,
which is the sadness andthe crying and the hopelessness.
But it is only
(15:20):
one stage of grieving,and it is necessary, though,
because it allows you to feelthe depth of the sadness,
because sadness,the sadness is loss.
Sadness has to be feltwhen you lose something.
You are sad for losing somethingvaluable to you
(15:42):
and even if you end upstaying with this person,
you have lost the innocenceof your relationship,
of never having hadthe betrayal, the relationship
is going to be different.
It will never be where you havethis naitivity, where it is.
This personwould never cheat on me.
(16:03):
It's not going to belike that again.
So you are losing something andyou have to grieve that deeply
and allow yourself to feel it,to cry, allow yourself to hurt
and just if it lasts too long,something as big as this.
You may need to see a doctorand get some medication
(16:24):
like antidepressantsif you are just.
Especiallyif you're prone to depression
and this kind of pushesyou over the edge,
or if you cannot get out of it
and you'recompletely nonfunctional
for a extended timeperiod, you may need some help.
But the purpose of feeling
this is toto come to terms with it.
(16:47):
Remember I said that
a couple of these other onesare just to like
kind of figure out how could it,how can I make it to where
I wouldn't be dealing with this?
Well,this one is giving into it.
I'm dealing with this.
I have to deal with this.
My spouse betrayed me.
My partner betrayed me,
(17:09):
my sibling, my parents.
Somebody betrayed me.
I have to go through this.
And if you don't, you.
Like I said, it's not healthy.
So then when you get throughthis,
you get intowhat is called acceptance,
which is where you healand where you have hope.
(17:32):
The acceptance is okay.
It happened.
Now what?
I'm going to come to termswith the truth about it
and the reality.
And then I'm going to say,now what?
I'm going to believethat I can move forward.
Acceptance means you hold outyour hands,
(17:53):
you take what is offered.
It is the opposite of going,no, no, no, this isn't true.
This isn't true.It didn't happen.
This isn'twhat is part of my life. No.
If you keep doing that, that'swhere you stay stuck.
But once you go, okay,this is my reality.
This is what happened.
Now, where do I go from here?
(18:14):
Well, you can choose.
Do I want to healwith my partner, my spouse,
or do I need to separate, do I?
You definitely needto have both of you
go into recovery programsand get help with counseling.
And the one who hadthe betrayal, did
(18:35):
the betrayal needs to takeresponsibility and needs to work
through that and needs to grieve
what they've done to you
and but this is the placewhere you decide,
am I going to attemptto heal with this person?
Or was this breached such thatI cannot heal with this person?
(18:57):
Is this person doingthe things that need to be done
and that will allow me to healthe relationship, not just
pretend it never happened, notgloss it over, but restore it?
True healing
and reconciliation has to dowith restoring the relationship.
That's a lot of work onboth of your parts.
That's a decision,
(19:18):
and it will require differentthings from both of you.
But it iswhere you get to choose
at any time that you're readyto make that decision.
Am I doneor am I going to move forward?
And so that is the
grief
process for a sexual betrayal.
(19:39):
Or like I said, any betrayal.
Six stages.
First, to shock and denial,pain and guilt,
anger and resentment,
bargaining, looking for howit could have been prevented,
searching for answers,depression and isolation.
Feeling incredible sadness.
(20:02):
And the last is acceptance,
hope and healing.
So I hope this has helped you.
There's a lot, out therethat can guide you through this.
If you need suggestions
on programs,you can email me or programs,
I mean, like by optionsthat are available.
(20:22):
Women find my courses for, womenin difficult marriages
and transformingdifficult relationships.
Very helpful for, helping themto get healthier and,
deal with, this type of thingin a marriage.
So that's somethingyou could look into.
But please, if you
have questions about that,please feel free to contact me.
(20:44):
So I wish you absolute
health
and hopeif you are going through this.
It is painful, butI can tell you and promise you
that you can come outon the other side of it
to where you find healing.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(21:05):
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship
(21:27):
and Karla Downing's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
One of the most painful thingsyou can go through in
(00:21):
an intimate relationshipis a sexual betrayal.
Whether that is an affair,physical affair,
an emotional affair,a sexual addiction,
or anything elsethat breaks that special bond
that you have with your partnerin with fidelity
(00:42):
is incredibly disruptiveand hard to go through.
Like anything else in life,you will have to go
through the grief process.
The grief process is normallyfive stages.
It is very similarto what you normally go
through withjust a little bit of difference.
(01:05):
So I'm going to apply itto a sexual betrayal.
This also could be,betrayal with money
where you thought somebodywas putting your money away,
and then all of a suddenyou found out that,
your spouse had been hiding
all the moneyand gambling it away
or spending it onsomething else, or.
And then all of a sudden,you have no money left
(01:27):
to enter retirement.
Or if your childwas stealing money,
or if a parent betrayedyou and gave all the money
to your sibling and didn'tleave you with anything,
when the idea was always
presented as if they were going
to leave youwith part of their inheritance,
or a friend stole moneyin a business, or undermined
(01:48):
you andand took the business from you.
Any type of betrayalwould be this.
But I'm going to focus on,
the grief process that you gothrough from a sexual betrayal,
because that's most likely
the people that would belooking for the video.
So the first thing that you gothrough
(02:09):
is shock, shock and denial.
So any time that we havesomething happen
that's kind of out of nowherethat we didn't expect,
we are going to go throughan emotional shock.
Emotionalshock means that it's just
it's seems impossible.
(02:30):
You you disbelieve it. You.
It can't be true.
So and then along with that,sometimes you deny it.
You may go to throughshock, like denial.
And then as you're startingto kind of process it,
it'll be like, oh my gosh,I can't believe this happened.
And no, it can't be true.It can't be true.
I've noticed with myselfthat when I go through that,
(02:53):
that I will often wake upin the middle of the night,
and when I'min the middle of shock
with something I didn't expectthat I'm dealing with,
and I'll wake upin the middle of night
and I'll think the first thingthat will pop into my mind is,
no, it's not true.
It can't be true.And then it'll be, but it is.
No, it's not,it can't be true. But it is.
And it's like you're you're
(03:16):
the world is trying to get youto see the truth.
But your subconscious,your conscious,
your emotions are tryingto put blinders on
and you're going to go backand forth with this until it's
somethingthat you can slowly begin to
accept
(03:36):
or embrace as really happening.
So you could feel some numbness,
you could feel somelike inability to function
like you have troublegetting up for work.
You have trouble figuring outwhat clothes to wear.
You have trouble decidingwhat to eat.
You have troublefocusing on anything else.
Just taking care of the kidsfeels impossible.
(03:59):
Writing out a check,thinking about a project
that you need to do or somethingthat you need to do at work,
you could just find yourselfbarely functioning.
Shock is actually an emotionalshock, as you might feel numb.
You might feel likekind of tingly
or kind of shut downor disassociated
(04:21):
or just kind of likein another world.
All of those are kind ofsymptoms of shock,
something that, you didn'texpect to happen, that you're
all of a sudden confronted with
having to recognize.
And it's just,I think it's God's grace
that we do this becauserather than being dysfunctional,
(04:45):
it is kind of like a buffer.
It givesyou like the time to slowly
come to terms with somethingthat might be so overwhelming.
If you had to embrace itimmediately that maybe you just
it would be push youover the edge, right?
So it's our bodies do thisphysically when we're in
(05:07):
an accident or we're shotor something is super painful.
The body naturally kicksin the endorphins,
which are the, pain.
Like the natural body'snatural analgesic.
It is the way that the bodykeeps
you from feelingall the pain of an injury,
(05:28):
which is wonderful becausethen you are not going to just,
you know, be unableto tolerate it.
So it'skind of like God's natural shock
absorber at the beginning whensomething is just too painful.
Now these phases,you can go in and out them,
(05:49):
go back and forth as you'reconfronted with a little bit
more of the reality,or you find something new out
or you get a little bit farand then you feel
a little bit insecureand you step backwards,
you might jump forwardand then jump back.
So this isthey don't have to be linear.
So just understand themand recognize
(06:09):
when you're going through them.
The next one is pain and guilt.
So a little bit of shockhas worn off.
And the first thing when you'reconfronted with betrayal is,
oh my gosh,
it's my fault.
I should have done somethingdifferent.
It's my faultand it's incredibly painful.
(06:33):
So you have intenseemotional pain
and a lot of self-blame,like looking at yourself
and feeling like, oh,I wasn't enough.
I wasn't a good enough partner.
I wasn't a good enough spouse.
I wasn't a good enough,sexual partner.
I wasn't pretty enough.
I wasn't good looking enough.
(06:53):
I wasn't ableto make enough money.
I wasn't ableto be the right person.
I failed, in whatever way thatyou're thinking that you failed.
So it's that self-blame
is literally comes
typically before you blamethe person who's doing it.
(07:14):
So it's,you think I am worthless?
I wasn't
enough tokeep this person from straying.
I wasn't enoughto keep this person off of porn.
I wasn't enough
to keep this person fromlooking outside the marriage
when that's not true, okay?
(07:35):
It's a personal choice.
For somebody to engage inthose things
has nothing to do with you.
It has to dowith the other person's
character,the other person's choices.
But that is the natural thingto do.
It is out of your control.
It is overwhelming.
(07:55):
It is incredibly painful.
What do we do?
We automatically lookto ourselves and think,
if I, if I if it's my fault,
then maybe there's somethingI can do to fix it.
It's not uncommon
when you found outthat your spouse is, betrayed
you, is having an affair,or is even in
(08:17):
just an emotional affairat the office or,
looking at pornthat you think, well,
how can I make myselfmore attractive?
So maybe you'll goget a different haircut.
You start. Will weardifferent clothes.
You'llthink about how you can become
more sexualor sexually attractive to where.
You're thinking,
if I can only get this personto look at me again,
(08:41):
then I won't have to dealwith all this.
All of this will go away.
So it might be in thatpanic, that panic that comes
before you get to a place
where you can workthrough all of this.
The panic that sets inwhen you come out
of that shock and denial is,
I gotta, I gotta fix this.
(09:02):
I got to figure out what to do
to make this go away,to win this person back.
And that's a phase.
And don't beat yourself up.
It's pretty common for youto do something like that.
It might even beg the person,please, like, don't break up
our family. Don'tbreak up our marriage.
(09:22):
Don't, stop doing this
or quit your job,or let's run away or let's move
or let's have another baby,or let's get a different house,
or let'sgo into that business together
that you've always wanted to do.
Just that panic of appeasing,to try to get this to go away.
And then at some point
(09:43):
you go into anger,
anger and resentment.
Anger
at the betrayal,at the injustice,
at the wrongness of this persondoing this to you.
Like, how could you?
And it can be intense.
You can want to destroythat person.
(10:04):
You could want to tell the worldabout it.
You can want to go after ifthere's another person involved,
you can want to destroythat other person's life
or confrontthat other person, or damage
your partner's propertybecause you want to just act out
on that ragethat you're feeling.
(10:26):
You got to be careful.
You don't want to do
things that you will regret,but it's okay to feel the anger.
And sometimes the anger is atGod. Like God.
Why didn't you stop it? God?
Why didn'tyou let me figure this out?
God, why didn't you let me,see what was happening?
I can also be yourself.
Like, why didn't I get it?Why didn't I see it?
(10:47):
Why did I ignore the signs?
Why did I not put twoand two together and get four
so that I could figure this outsoon enough or sooner
and orand I could have prevented it,
by setting an early boundaryor something.
So, I mean,the anger can be really strong
and really intenseand and it can last a while.
(11:07):
the anger and just at yourselffor not seeing it
and not recognizing it,
especially if it's somethingthat's going on for a long time.
And, as you are looking at this
and now little images
are coming into your mindand you're thinking
that that was a sign.That was a sign.
That was a sign.
I ignored those signs.
I was ignorant and I was stupid.
(11:28):
Why didn't I get it when this,my spouse kept going out of town
and, all of a suddenwas dressing differently or,
staying late at work or whateverit was that was going on.
It's like,why didn’t I see that? So
let yourself have the anger.
This is where Christians mess upbecause they think,
oh, I can't be angrybecause be angry and sin not.
(11:50):
It's like,
well, I better not, betternot tell my spouse I'm angry.
I better not let them knowI'm really angry.
How could you do this to me?
And I'm not allowed to be angrywith God.
Anger is a normal,
godly reaction to injustice,
a normal, godly reactionto wrongdoing.
(12:10):
Having your partner betray you,cheat on you is wrong.
It's okay to be angry with that.
God is. God hates it.
God's not okay with it.
You can be angry too
just don't do anythingyou regret
and don't hurt someone, right?
(12:31):
You don't.
You want, but to havethe anger is totally normal.
Totally okay.
And thenyou go through the bargaining,
the bargainingand the, kind of like
trying to figure outhow could I have prevented it.
So this is a little bitkind of an outcropping
(12:51):
of the anger at yourselftoward in God for like, why?
And even your spouse,the other person, maybe
in the person that your spouseis having the affair with?
If only this had happened, thenthis would have prevented it.
So, you know, just if only Godhad had allowed me to see this.
(13:12):
If only I had seen it sooner.
If only I had, goneinto business with my spouse
when he orshe asked me to do that.
If only we had moved,
if onlyI hadn't gone back to work,
and I had was able to givemy spouse more attention.
If only I had.
If only he hadn'tswitched to this new job.
(13:33):
If only she hadn't
gone backto work after the baby.
Whateverit is, just the bargaining.
And this is again part of oursubconscious unconscious mind
figuring out how we could nothave to deal with this like I.
If only this inthis had been different,
(13:55):
I would not be dealingwith this pain right now.
I would not have to keep workingthrough this grief process
and figure out how to get to aplace of acceptance and healing.
From this,I would not be dealing with it.
So it'sjust another layer of our brains
trying to come to terms with it.
(14:16):
All of these are healthy.
All of these are necessary.
All of these are good.
All of these will allow youto get to the end, which is
a necessaryplace to process the grief
so that you are not heldback by it.
You don't want to bestuck in denial.
(14:37):
You don't want to bestuck in bargaining.
You don't want to bestuck in anger.
You don't want to bestuck in self blaming.
You don't want to be stuckin the intense pain.
The next one is sadness.
That's where you just feelthe depression.
You withdraw from people.
You feel isolated.
You lose youryour feelings of pleasure.
(15:00):
You don't care about anything.
You're just depressed.You can't get out of bed.
You don't have hope.
You feel like your life is over.
You feel likenothing will ever be good again.
You just.
It's this feeling of actuallythat we associate with grief,
which is the sadness andthe crying and the hopelessness.
But it is only
(15:20):
one stage of grieving,and it is necessary, though,
because it allows you to feelthe depth of the sadness,
because sadness,the sadness is loss.
Sadness has to be feltwhen you lose something.
You are sad for losing somethingvaluable to you
(15:42):
and even if you end upstaying with this person,
you have lost the innocenceof your relationship,
of never having hadthe betrayal, the relationship
is going to be different.
It will never be where you havethis naitivity, where it is.
This personwould never cheat on me.
(16:03):
It's not going to belike that again.
So you are losing something andyou have to grieve that deeply
and allow yourself to feel it,to cry, allow yourself to hurt
and just if it lasts too long,something as big as this.
You may need to see a doctorand get some medication
(16:24):
like antidepressantsif you are just.
Especiallyif you're prone to depression
and this kind of pushesyou over the edge,
or if you cannot get out of it
and you'recompletely nonfunctional
for a extended timeperiod, you may need some help.
But the purpose of feeling
this is toto come to terms with it.
(16:47):
Remember I said that
a couple of these other onesare just to like
kind of figure out how could it,how can I make it to where
I wouldn't be dealing with this?
Well,this one is giving into it.
I'm dealing with this.
I have to deal with this.
My spouse betrayed me.
My partner betrayed me,
(17:09):
my sibling, my parents.
Somebody betrayed me.
I have to go through this.
And if you don't, you.
Like I said, it's not healthy.
So then when you get throughthis,
you get intowhat is called acceptance,
which is where you healand where you have hope.
(17:32):
The acceptance is okay.
It happened.
Now what?
I'm going to come to termswith the truth about it
and the reality.
And then I'm going to say,now what?
I'm going to believethat I can move forward.
Acceptance means you hold outyour hands,
(17:53):
you take what is offered.
It is the opposite of going,no, no, no, this isn't true.
This isn't true.It didn't happen.
This isn'twhat is part of my life. No.
If you keep doing that, that'swhere you stay stuck.
But once you go, okay,this is my reality.
This is what happened.
Now, where do I go from here?
(18:14):
Well, you can choose.
Do I want to healwith my partner, my spouse,
or do I need to separate, do I?
You definitely needto have both of you
go into recovery programsand get help with counseling.
And the one who hadthe betrayal, did
(18:35):
the betrayal needs to takeresponsibility and needs to work
through that and needs to grieve
what they've done to you
and but this is the placewhere you decide,
am I going to attemptto heal with this person?
Or was this breached such thatI cannot heal with this person?
(18:57):
Is this person doingthe things that need to be done
and that will allow me to healthe relationship, not just
pretend it never happened, notgloss it over, but restore it?
True healing
and reconciliation has to dowith restoring the relationship.
That's a lot of work onboth of your parts.
That's a decision,
(19:18):
and it will require differentthings from both of you.
But it iswhere you get to choose
at any time that you're readyto make that decision.
Am I doneor am I going to move forward?
And so that is the
grief
process for a sexual betrayal.
(19:39):
Or like I said, any betrayal.
Six stages.
First, to shock and denial,pain and guilt,
anger and resentment,
bargaining, looking for howit could have been prevented,
searching for answers,depression and isolation.
Feeling incredible sadness.
(20:02):
And the last is acceptance,
hope and healing.
So I hope this has helped you.
There's a lot, out therethat can guide you through this.
If you need suggestions
on programs,you can email me or programs,
I mean, like by optionsthat are available.
(20:22):
Women find my courses for, womenin difficult marriages
and transformingdifficult relationships.
Very helpful for, helping themto get healthier and,
deal with, this type of thingin a marriage.
So that's somethingyou could look into.
But please, if you
have questions about that,please feel free to contact me.
(20:44):
So I wish you absolute
health
and hopeif you are going through this.
It is painful, butI can tell you and promise you
that you can come outon the other side of it
to where you find healing.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(21:05):
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship
(21:27):
and Karla Downing's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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