July 3, 2025 • 14 mins
This video shows you how to stop manipulating people. It is possible to change when you are motivated to do it. Watch this video to learn how to stop manipulating people. #manipulation #StopManipulation #ManipulationMotives #HealthyRelationship
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
So I've recently gotten
several inquiries from viewerson my channel, especially when watching
the videos on manipulation,how they can stop manipulating people.
And I'm thrilledwhen I get those kinds of questions,
because they're wanting change.
And wanting change is the first step.
(00:43):
So there's two videos I'mdoing this on this, and one of them is why
you manipulate people, and the other oneis on how to stop manipulating people.
So this video ishow to stop manipulating people.
So first of all, what is manipulation?
Manipulation is when you trick somebody
(01:04):
into doing whatever it is you want.
You decide somehow I need this,
I want this, I'm going to get this,
and I'm not going to give youthe opportunity to tell me no,
I'm going to get it.
I'm going to get whatever I want.
No matter what it takes.
If I have to hurt someone,if I have to threaten them,
(01:25):
if I have to manipulate themby guilting them, by pressuring them,
by tricking them, by, upsetting them, by
whatever it is I deserve it.
The opposite of manipulation is to ask you.
Ask for what you need.
You simply say, Will you help me?
(01:47):
Will you do this for me?
Will you participate in this?
Will you give me what I need?
Will you do this with me?
And you give the person an opportunityto say no, I will not.
Instead of giving them the opportunityyou're manipulating, you're pressuring.
So manipulation is not a normal,healthy relationship.
(02:13):
It hurts the person.
It hurts the relationship.
It means that you're not in a,
equal relationshipwhere each person has rights
and responsibilities,where each person has their needs met.
Each person mattersequally to the other person.
(02:34):
Each person is an independent
being that has the right to
choose what they're willing to do,and not willing to do that.
They have the right to have boundaries,that they have a right to have limits.
So that's what manipulation is.
And obviously, especially if you're askinghow you can stop, you know
(02:56):
that it's not good, but you must feelpretty powerless about stopping it
if you're recognizing itbut not knowing how to stop.
So I'm going to answer that questionhow to stop manipulating people
with what we call the five questions.
You might have learned this in schoolwhen you were younger,
(03:18):
and they are basically whowhat, where, when, and why.
So you're going to answer those questionsand you might want to get out a journal.
You might want to writethose questions down.
And then you might want to take notesduring the next week.
So you because you might thinkyou can answer those questions,
but you might be surprisedat what you find out when you spend a week
(03:42):
figuring out the answersto those questions.
So the first is who?
Who do you manipulate?
Do you manipulate everyone
or do you just manipulateyour intimate partner?
Is it just your spouse?
Just your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Is it just that personwhich lets you know,
(04:03):
oh well, when I'm in an intimaterelationship, I'm insecure and
and I really feel likeI've got to have my needs met,
or I feel like I have a right to havemy needs met.
Is that.
Is it? who who do you do it with?
You got to have that questionand like I said, get out
a journal when you'retrying to figure something out.
I recommend either
(04:25):
having a note page in your phone becausewe've got our phones with us all the time.
Set up something where you can take notes,and you can put the notes in there,
or put a little tiny, spiral bound notebook
in your pocketor in your purse and then have it near you
so that
as these answers come to you,you can write them down.
(04:47):
Otherwise, you'll forget.
Okay. So the first one is who?
Who do you do it with?
Second one is what?
What do you do when you manipulate?
Do you threaten people?
Do you induce guilt in them?
Oh, you know,you're not a very nice friend.
You're not a very good mom.
You don't love me.
If you loved me, you would help me.
(05:09):
You don't submit to me if it's your wife.
You need to submit to me.You're not submitting.
Or do you use God against people?
God is not going to forgive you.
God is is looking down on you and unhappy.
Or do you use your power?
Well, I'm not going to give you any money.
I'm not going to.
I'm not going to take you anywhere.
I'm going to take the money away from you.
(05:30):
I'm going to withhold my affection.
I'm going to withhold my interaction.
I'm not going to talk to you.
I'm going to use the silence treatment,or I'm going to expose you to people.
I'm going to tell other peoplewhat you're doing.
I'm going to tell your parentsthat, you took drugs earlier.
I'm going to tell your childthat, that you, were taking drugs,
(05:53):
when you were pregnant.
I don't know, whatever it isthat you have on this person
you're going to do,you're going to disclose it.
So how are you using threats?
Are you helpless?
Are you pretending that you are incapableof getting your needs met yourself?
That you're going to die without this?
That you can't do it yourself?
That you can't get a job?
You can't work.
(06:14):
You can't make money.
You can't make the phone call.
You can't, live without this person.
You are.So are you acting helpless? Are you
acting like you're a victim?
That you need.
The person needs to feel sorry for you,needs to take care of you.
Or are you feigning helplessness?
I can't do it without you.
I can't be away from you.
(06:34):
I can't surviveif you don't do this for me.
And then, you know, fear.
Fear that you're going to do somethingwhich goes along with threats.
Where did it come from?
Now? So you've got it.
You got to answer that,Did it come from your childhood?
Did it come from a prior relationship?
Did it come because you've beenin a relationship where your needs
were not met, and now you're panickythat your needs might not be met?
(06:59):
You've got to figure out what was the rootof this, what started it.
And getting to the root ofthings are important
when you want to have behavior change,because it helps
you dig down and dig up the thing
the drive, the need inside of you, of
(07:21):
why it started, So it's justwhere did it come from?
And then when, when do you do it?
Do you do it?
When you're, insecure only.
Do you do it all the time?
Do you do itwhen it's only your sexual needs?
Do you do itwhen you're feeling like you are powerful
(07:44):
and you're in a mean mood,and then you're kind of
abusive and demandingand you think, okay, fine.
In this mood, I want my needs met
and or you're feeling very arrogantand narcissistic and or maybe you feel
when you're feelingkind of childish and pouty,
so when when do you do it?
(08:05):
Do you do it all the time?
Doesn't even have to be a mood,or it doesn't have to be.
When you're feeling deprived,when you're feeling insecure,
when you're feeling scared,is it only when you're high or drunk?
Or is it all the time?
And thenthe next one is why the why you do it?
And I did a video just on this for you
(08:28):
to think about the possible reasonsthis started.
And they're important.
So you want to look at the why.
Why are you doing it when you can answer
those five questions?
The who do you do it with?
What do you do when you manipulate?
(08:49):
Okay, where did it come from?
When do you do it and why you do it?
You will be
on your way to being able to change it.
And again,I want you to really think about this
and you might want to write it down
when you're going through this week where
(09:10):
I'm having youat the very beginning to really look at
what is going on with your manipulation,
want you to put on the topof that note page, or put in your phone,
or put a sticky note in your caror on your mirror.
Ask for what you want.
(09:31):
Ask for what you need.
Simply ask. Okay?
Simply ask means that you.
The opposite of manipulation is to ask.
When you think about askingfor this particular thing,
that insteadyou would manipulate the person to get
(09:53):
what goes through your mind,what thoughts go through your mind?
What emotions rise up in you?
Those are all involved with
these five is the reason that you're
manipulating the fears that you have,the things that are holding you back.
(10:14):
You've got to expose those.
You've got to face those.
And then you haveto be willing to risk risk
doing without
what you think you want and you needand you deserve.
Recognizing that
(10:34):
it isn't good for you, for other peopleto be manipulated into it,
that you as an adult have a responsibilityto take care of yourself,
that you have a responsibilityto control your emotions.
You have a responsibility to meetyour own needs in healthy ways
that are not destructiveto the relationship.
(10:57):
You have to recognizethat you have to learn to do without
and to be okay, to accept
not having what you need in that momentand knowing you'll live through it.
You'll survive.
You can figure out how to do that.
Those are the things that you have to beable to do in order to stop manipulating.
(11:20):
And you have to risk asking, asking
instead of getting directly,will you help me?
Will you come with me?Will you sit with me?
Will you listen to me? Can I have a hug?
Can I go with you?
Can I have some money?
This is what I wanted for.
(11:41):
Can I have your help for a minute?
You've got a risk. The person saying no.
But if you haven't had somebody
say no to youand you feel like you can't handle it,
you've got to practiceletting people say no to you.
Start with the easy thingsand comfort yourself.
Remind yourselfI'm okay. I'm okay, I'm okay.
(12:02):
I can live through this.
I can live through this person saying,no, I can make it.
I will be okay.
I can figure out another way, I can wait.
I can wait for this personto have time for me.
I don't have to have it right now.
I can wait to get what I think I want.
I can do without it.
I can accept something else.
(12:24):
These are all the thingsthat you will need to learn to do,
to risk in a relationshipby not manipulating,
but by having somebody in the relationshipwith you who is an equal partner,
who can
say noto you, who can ask for things from you,
who does not have to meet your every need.
(12:46):
All of thatis part of a healthy relationship.
So if you watch this videoand you need help
with, with not manipulating,if you've got other questions,
I'll be happy to answer those.
And if this has
if it has helped you to, not me,not manipulate, I'd love to hear from you.
in my videos that,I often give you a scriptural verse.
(13:10):
So the one that relates to this is,when part of Jesus, the sermon on
the Mount is he talked about,he said simply, let your yes
and your no be noanything else is from the evil one.
Basically what we're saying iswe're flipping that in this we're setting
we're sayinglet other people have the opportunity
(13:32):
to say yes to youor to say no to you, okay?
Because anything else is manipulation.
So, okay, I pray that you will, be on
on your way to learninghow to not manipulate.
And if I can be of any help to you,please write to me.
Put a post, a comment and below the video,or feel free to write to me
(13:55):
at my email address, which is Karlaat ChangeMyRelationship.com.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(14:16):
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
So I've recently gotten
several inquiries from viewerson my channel, especially when watching
the videos on manipulation,how they can stop manipulating people.
And I'm thrilledwhen I get those kinds of questions,
because they're wanting change.
And wanting change is the first step.
(00:43):
So there's two videos I'mdoing this on this, and one of them is why
you manipulate people, and the other oneis on how to stop manipulating people.
So this video ishow to stop manipulating people.
So first of all, what is manipulation?
Manipulation is when you trick somebody
(01:04):
into doing whatever it is you want.
You decide somehow I need this,
I want this, I'm going to get this,
and I'm not going to give youthe opportunity to tell me no,
I'm going to get it.
I'm going to get whatever I want.
No matter what it takes.
If I have to hurt someone,if I have to threaten them,
(01:25):
if I have to manipulate themby guilting them, by pressuring them,
by tricking them, by, upsetting them, by
whatever it is I deserve it.
The opposite of manipulation is to ask you.
Ask for what you need.
You simply say, Will you help me?
(01:47):
Will you do this for me?
Will you participate in this?
Will you give me what I need?
Will you do this with me?
And you give the person an opportunityto say no, I will not.
Instead of giving them the opportunityyou're manipulating, you're pressuring.
So manipulation is not a normal,healthy relationship.
(02:13):
It hurts the person.
It hurts the relationship.
It means that you're not in a,
equal relationshipwhere each person has rights
and responsibilities,where each person has their needs met.
Each person mattersequally to the other person.
(02:34):
Each person is an independent
being that has the right to
choose what they're willing to do,and not willing to do that.
They have the right to have boundaries,that they have a right to have limits.
So that's what manipulation is.
And obviously, especially if you're askinghow you can stop, you know
(02:56):
that it's not good, but you must feelpretty powerless about stopping it
if you're recognizing itbut not knowing how to stop.
So I'm going to answer that questionhow to stop manipulating people
with what we call the five questions.
You might have learned this in schoolwhen you were younger,
(03:18):
and they are basically whowhat, where, when, and why.
So you're going to answer those questionsand you might want to get out a journal.
You might want to writethose questions down.
And then you might want to take notesduring the next week.
So you because you might thinkyou can answer those questions,
but you might be surprisedat what you find out when you spend a week
(03:42):
figuring out the answersto those questions.
So the first is who?
Who do you manipulate?
Do you manipulate everyone
or do you just manipulateyour intimate partner?
Is it just your spouse?
Just your girlfriend or boyfriend?
Is it just that personwhich lets you know,
(04:03):
oh well, when I'm in an intimaterelationship, I'm insecure and
and I really feel likeI've got to have my needs met,
or I feel like I have a right to havemy needs met.
Is that.
Is it? who who do you do it with?
You got to have that questionand like I said, get out
a journal when you'retrying to figure something out.
I recommend either
(04:25):
having a note page in your phone becausewe've got our phones with us all the time.
Set up something where you can take notes,and you can put the notes in there,
or put a little tiny, spiral bound notebook
in your pocketor in your purse and then have it near you
so that
as these answers come to you,you can write them down.
(04:47):
Otherwise, you'll forget.
Okay. So the first one is who?
Who do you do it with?
Second one is what?
What do you do when you manipulate?
Do you threaten people?
Do you induce guilt in them?
Oh, you know,you're not a very nice friend.
You're not a very good mom.
You don't love me.
If you loved me, you would help me.
(05:09):
You don't submit to me if it's your wife.
You need to submit to me.You're not submitting.
Or do you use God against people?
God is not going to forgive you.
God is is looking down on you and unhappy.
Or do you use your power?
Well, I'm not going to give you any money.
I'm not going to.
I'm not going to take you anywhere.
I'm going to take the money away from you.
(05:30):
I'm going to withhold my affection.
I'm going to withhold my interaction.
I'm not going to talk to you.
I'm going to use the silence treatment,or I'm going to expose you to people.
I'm going to tell other peoplewhat you're doing.
I'm going to tell your parentsthat, you took drugs earlier.
I'm going to tell your childthat, that you, were taking drugs,
(05:53):
when you were pregnant.
I don't know, whatever it isthat you have on this person
you're going to do,you're going to disclose it.
So how are you using threats?
Are you helpless?
Are you pretending that you are incapableof getting your needs met yourself?
That you're going to die without this?
That you can't do it yourself?
That you can't get a job?
You can't work.
(06:14):
You can't make money.
You can't make the phone call.
You can't, live without this person.
You are.So are you acting helpless? Are you
acting like you're a victim?
That you need.
The person needs to feel sorry for you,needs to take care of you.
Or are you feigning helplessness?
I can't do it without you.
I can't be away from you.
(06:34):
I can't surviveif you don't do this for me.
And then, you know, fear.
Fear that you're going to do somethingwhich goes along with threats.
Where did it come from?
Now? So you've got it.
You got to answer that,Did it come from your childhood?
Did it come from a prior relationship?
Did it come because you've beenin a relationship where your needs
were not met, and now you're panickythat your needs might not be met?
(06:59):
You've got to figure out what was the rootof this, what started it.
And getting to the root ofthings are important
when you want to have behavior change,because it helps
you dig down and dig up the thing
the drive, the need inside of you, of
(07:21):
why it started, So it's justwhere did it come from?
And then when, when do you do it?
Do you do it?
When you're, insecure only.
Do you do it all the time?
Do you do itwhen it's only your sexual needs?
Do you do itwhen you're feeling like you are powerful
(07:44):
and you're in a mean mood,and then you're kind of
abusive and demandingand you think, okay, fine.
In this mood, I want my needs met
and or you're feeling very arrogantand narcissistic and or maybe you feel
when you're feelingkind of childish and pouty,
so when when do you do it?
(08:05):
Do you do it all the time?
Doesn't even have to be a mood,or it doesn't have to be.
When you're feeling deprived,when you're feeling insecure,
when you're feeling scared,is it only when you're high or drunk?
Or is it all the time?
And thenthe next one is why the why you do it?
And I did a video just on this for you
(08:28):
to think about the possible reasonsthis started.
And they're important.
So you want to look at the why.
Why are you doing it when you can answer
those five questions?
The who do you do it with?
What do you do when you manipulate?
(08:49):
Okay, where did it come from?
When do you do it and why you do it?
You will be
on your way to being able to change it.
And again,I want you to really think about this
and you might want to write it down
when you're going through this week where
(09:10):
I'm having youat the very beginning to really look at
what is going on with your manipulation,
want you to put on the topof that note page, or put in your phone,
or put a sticky note in your caror on your mirror.
Ask for what you want.
(09:31):
Ask for what you need.
Simply ask. Okay?
Simply ask means that you.
The opposite of manipulation is to ask.
When you think about askingfor this particular thing,
that insteadyou would manipulate the person to get
(09:53):
what goes through your mind,what thoughts go through your mind?
What emotions rise up in you?
Those are all involved with
these five is the reason that you're
manipulating the fears that you have,the things that are holding you back.
(10:14):
You've got to expose those.
You've got to face those.
And then you haveto be willing to risk risk
doing without
what you think you want and you needand you deserve.
Recognizing that
(10:34):
it isn't good for you, for other peopleto be manipulated into it,
that you as an adult have a responsibilityto take care of yourself,
that you have a responsibilityto control your emotions.
You have a responsibility to meetyour own needs in healthy ways
that are not destructiveto the relationship.
(10:57):
You have to recognizethat you have to learn to do without
and to be okay, to accept
not having what you need in that momentand knowing you'll live through it.
You'll survive.
You can figure out how to do that.
Those are the things that you have to beable to do in order to stop manipulating.
(11:20):
And you have to risk asking, asking
instead of getting directly,will you help me?
Will you come with me?Will you sit with me?
Will you listen to me? Can I have a hug?
Can I go with you?
Can I have some money?
This is what I wanted for.
(11:41):
Can I have your help for a minute?
You've got a risk. The person saying no.
But if you haven't had somebody
say no to youand you feel like you can't handle it,
you've got to practiceletting people say no to you.
Start with the easy thingsand comfort yourself.
Remind yourselfI'm okay. I'm okay, I'm okay.
(12:02):
I can live through this.
I can live through this person saying,no, I can make it.
I will be okay.
I can figure out another way, I can wait.
I can wait for this personto have time for me.
I don't have to have it right now.
I can wait to get what I think I want.
I can do without it.
I can accept something else.
(12:24):
These are all the thingsthat you will need to learn to do,
to risk in a relationshipby not manipulating,
but by having somebody in the relationshipwith you who is an equal partner,
who can
say noto you, who can ask for things from you,
who does not have to meet your every need.
(12:46):
All of thatis part of a healthy relationship.
So if you watch this videoand you need help
with, with not manipulating,if you've got other questions,
I'll be happy to answer those.
And if this has
if it has helped you to, not me,not manipulate, I'd love to hear from you.
in my videos that,I often give you a scriptural verse.
(13:10):
So the one that relates to this is,when part of Jesus, the sermon on
the Mount is he talked about,he said simply, let your yes
and your no be noanything else is from the evil one.
Basically what we're saying iswe're flipping that in this we're setting
we're sayinglet other people have the opportunity
(13:32):
to say yes to youor to say no to you, okay?
Because anything else is manipulation.
So, okay, I pray that you will, be on
on your way to learninghow to not manipulate.
And if I can be of any help to you,please write to me.
Put a post, a comment and below the video,or feel free to write to me
(13:55):
at my email address, which is Karlaat ChangeMyRelationship.com.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(14:16):
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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