Low Contact Vs No Contact

This video provides various considerations for low contact vs no contact boundaries with toxic people such as narcissists and abusers. #limitcontact #setboundaries #dysfunctionalrelationship #healthyboundaries

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you
about the difference between low contactand no contact.
Obviously, this is for very toxic.
And toxic means harm to do harm something
that harms so very toxic people
that are in your lifethat are causing so much harm to you

(00:41):
that you have to make a decision to either
go low contact or no contact.
So what are the benefits of each?
What are the differences?
I think it's really important to know thatbecause making this decision to do
either of these has ramifications.

(01:01):
So first of all low contact.
You decideI cannot see this person or these people.
They're often family members.
It could be a spouse
that you are living with thatyou know, you need to separate from.
Or it could be some newt, like a,
sister and brother in lawor a mother and father,

(01:24):
or could just be one personin that relation in a relationship.
So you recognizeI cannot see this person as much as I am.
This person is causing harm to meor to my family members,
maybe my spouse, my biological children.
This person is affecting my work.

(01:47):
Maybe that person ishas some kind of relationship with you
that affects you at work,whatever that is.
So low contact, low contact means
I recognize thatI need to see less of this person.
So you're going to decide how much contact
you can have and still be okay.

(02:09):
Now this might be kindof a trial and error.
So you have to start offwith a certain amount.
And then maybe you're going to recognizenope that's too much.
I'm going to have to do it less.
The important thingis that you realize that
you are going to have to be in controlif you're going low contact.
You cannot allow the other personto determine how much

(02:30):
they're going to see you.
You're going to have tosomehow get control.
You're either going to get controlthrough boundaries of saying, no,
you can't come over,or I'll let you know when you come over or
you're going to decide thatmaybe you're going to move away
or you're going to change a church ticket.

(02:51):
See less contact with this,have less contact with this person,
or maybe somehowyou're going to make a decision
that's going to result in seeingthat person less and you're doing it.
You're deciding and you have control.
If that person still lives near youand is going to try to see more of you,
then you're going to have to get

(03:11):
really strong with saying,no, no, you can't come over.
No, I'm not inviting you. No,I won't meet you for lunch.
Whatever that is.
You are going to have to be comfortablewith withstanding the pressure
that you're going to get,not only from that person, but possibly
from other family members and friendsthat you're hurting mom, or you're being

(03:33):
mean, or mom is distressed or upset,or you don't like the rest of the family.
It could even be some retaliationfrom other family members saying,
okay, if you're not going to see her,then we're not going to see you.
Or if you're not going to include her,then we're not going to come, okay?
You have to be ready to withstandall of that and recognize that
that could come and realize,okay, I'm willing to pay that price

(03:56):
because I need to do this for myown protection or my family's protection.
The benefit
of low contact is that you can decreasethis person's presence in your life,
while not having to completely cutthis person off,
not having to take the responsibilityof being the one

(04:19):
who cut off the relationshipso you don't have to take on that blame.
You don't have to fight with that guiltand that feeling of,
you know, I cut off my mother,or I cut off my sister, or
I cut off my child.
So what you're doing is you're justdecreasing the amount that you've seen
them.
Now, you don't always have to tellthe person why you're doing it.

(04:43):
Sometimes it's a benefit to do thatbecause it allows the person
to recognizeif they can and often they can't.
Toxic peopleusually cannot look at themselves
and see what their problems are,but it will give that person
an explanation that they can at least hear
and know that, okay,maybe if I change these things,

(05:04):
I will be able to reinstate or increase
the amount of timeI can be in this person's life.
So again, a choice of whetheryou want to explain or not explain.
Taking into considerationwho this person is and if the person
can process it, or if it will just causemore toxic reactivity,
that's going to come into your lifeover this person's response to that.

(05:29):
So the benefit of that is not having
to take the responsibilityof cutting off completely.
But then if low contact is eithernot working
or if low contact isn't something
you're willing to do,and instead you recognize,
I've got to have no contact,I have to have a time period

(05:49):
or an indefinite amount of time,or maybe forever,
where I cannot be involvedwith this person.
I cannot have this personin my life at all.
Then you are going to choose no contact.
So first of all,
that could happen
because the person's not respectingyour low contact boundaries.

(06:10):
When you say no, I don't want you tocome over or no, I don't want you to.
do whatever it is that you're doing.
The person doesn't respect those.
Respect your note.
So you've got to cut the person offcompletely.
To take care of yourself,to protect yourself and your family.
Doesn't have to be forever.

(06:30):
It can be for a time.
Again, you have a choice of whetheryou want to tell the person why or not
tell the person what needs to change inorder to get back into your life or not.
That's up to you.
Again, you make a decisionbased on the situation.
You have to be strong enough to do thisand to not back down and again, to bear

(06:51):
any retaliation, anger,
blame, resentmentthat comes from your other family members
or, whatever it is, it'sgoing to come back to you.
You've got to be able to handle your own
feelings of guilt, responsibility
for making the choiceto cut this person out of your life.

(07:13):
And so you got to work through that.
I recommend working throughas much of that as possible
before you make the choice,so you know what you're getting into,
and you know that you can get to a pointwhere you feel right about your decision.
The other thingis that any time that we do what's called
cut off of family members,there is, still an emotional tie.

(07:35):
There is a tie emotionally
inside of you that is going to struggle,
and there's going to be some cleanupthat you have to do
and processing of that,that you have to go through.
And so you've got to be willingto recognize that and be healthy about it.
It might take some therapythat might take,

(07:57):
you know, some, 12 step programthat will help you reinforce
what your ideas are ofwhy you needed to do this,
but just generally getting healthy and
recognizing the aftermath of that
and to work through that, those emotional ties that are still there.
Don't underestimate those.
Those are really strong.

(08:18):
And there's, some lot of thingsthat you're going to have to process.
So be careful.
Unless you're,
you know, physically in dangeror the situation is really, really bad.
You can take your timemaking this decision and, remember
that you also have the option
of not being the onewho makes this decision.

(08:41):
Sometimes I will recommend to a person
who is looking at a very difficultrelationship and they're, you know,
not happy with some of the thingsthe other person is doing,
but their heart's desire is actuallyto have a better relationship.
This is often a parent with an adult child
who is, maybe not in their life

(09:03):
or not initiating much,
or when they are, when they do initiateanything in the relationship.
It's conditional or based on the parentdoing a certain thing or giving them money
or doing what they, the the child wants
and the parent will say, I'mtired of being, put down.
I'm tired of being,

(09:24):
only asked to do somethingwhen I can give, only to see them
or see my grandkids,when I'm going to babysit
or when I give money,or when I do what they want me to do.
And they'll say, I think I'm
just going to cut off the relationshipand just not do that.
And I'll often say, you might want tonot think about being the one
who cuts it off, because then you'realways going to get the blame as too.

(09:48):
And especially if it's somebodywho isn't in your life.
A lot,
and then you make the decision to gono contact,
then that person can always use youas the excuse
and say, well, I was going to makethe relationship better
or I was going to start letting you seethe kids more, or I was going to come out

(10:10):
to see you where you live,but you're the one that cut it off.
So be carefulif you're doing this, check your motives.
We always need to go beneath the surfaceand check the motives.
If you're doing this out of hurt,if you're doing this out of resentment,
if you're doing thisbecause of retaliation or to punish
or any of those things,those are not good motives.

(10:32):
The only motives for going no contact
or low contactis that the person is toxic to you.
The person is harmful.
You've done everything you canto limit that.
You've done what you can, that you knowmight possibly change the situation.
Nothing is worked.
And then this is the decision you make,the decision that you have to make.

(10:54):
So watch your motives work through them.
Like I said, no quick.
No reasonto make this as a quick decision.
It needs to be a well thought out.
I would say potentially, get at least oneother person that knows you,
or a therapist that knows the situationand talk through it
and make sure that you're doing thisbecause you need to and, that

(11:19):
it is a healthyrather than unhealthy decision for you.
So I hope this video on no contactversus low contact has helped you.
And I hope you'll look at my website,ChangeMyRelationship.com
for all of my resources,my classes, my studies,
my books, my, free resources.

(11:40):
And as always, please,if you have a question,
you may, email me through my websiteand I will answer you so.
Okay.
Thank you very muchfor watching this video.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.

(12:02):
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts

(12:23):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.