July 14, 2025 • 13 mins
Navigating old age estranged from your children is a scary thought for some. One of my subscribers asked me to make a video on this topic. Watch it for some ideas on how to prepare for old age estranged from your children or if you don't have children. #healthyrelationship #planing #oldage
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
of my followers
asked me a question and that was
how do I navigate old agewhen I'm estranged from my children?
One of my most popular videosis a video on narcissistic adult children.
And many of the stories
that people have shared on there inthe comments is such
(00:42):
that their children have cut them offand walked away from them.
And so there are many fearsthat people have in relationships.
But this is also, you know, along withthis, this is epidemic in our society.
I just happened to hear on a news
kind of brief the other daythat it's becoming more and more common
(01:03):
in different places,not just in the United States,
but in other places in the world, to findan elderly person who has passed away
and yet been undiscovered for weeks
or months, just kind of making the point
that we are becoming moreand more isolated in society.
(01:24):
Covid certainly made that much worse,
but also just in terms of our tiesto families are not as strong.
People are separated by distance.
They're separated by beliefs,
they're separated by resentmentsand in anger and cut off.
And and there are peoplethat don't have children.
(01:45):
And so it's just it's it's would be
a very frightening,scary thought to think about.
And if you are in that place,I think it's a great idea to
do some processing of that ahead of time.
And I have noticed somethingas a therapist and dealing
(02:06):
with different families,that there are people
who make plans for their old age,and getting to the point
where they're not ableto take care of themselves
and there are people who live as thoughthat is never going to happen to them,
and none of us want to deal with thator think about that.
None of uswant to think about the idea of dying,
(02:27):
but we know we are all frail,
mortal human beings that are aging
and that as long as sin is in this world,
that there will also be a timethat each of us will die.
And then for us that are Christians,
the after that is, a wonderful eternity
(02:50):
when we are with the Lord forever,and we will not have our mortal,
frail, aging bodies,but we will have a new body.
So what do we do, though, in this worldpersonally?
Planning ahead?
Planning is super important for everyonethat is aging.
(03:10):
I mean, first of all, having a trustor having a will
where you state your wishes
for what you want
as far as end of life measures,what you want done with your possessions,
your your goods, yourall of the things that you
have to give awayif you do not have a will,
(03:32):
if you do not have somebodythat is in charge
and executor of your state,the state will make a decision
as to who things go toand who manages that.
Why leave that decision to anybodywho doesn't know you and who doesn't care,
or to have court a judgethat has no idea of who you are?
(03:53):
So make plans, put, develop a trust.
Have a will, go to an attorney.
Write out the specifics. Think about it.
Who do you wantyour worldly goods to go to?
Charity.
I know one woman who is, alone.
She does not have children,and she is not married.
(04:13):
And she's from another country,and she has possessions,
and she has decided that she isgiving everything
she has to a church, her churchthat she attends.
And she has made them, the beneficiary
of her worldly possessions, her house.
She's given them trustee power,
(04:36):
and they will bethe ones that take care of her estate.
What I like about that is,I mean, she attends a small church
and is she trusts them.
And obviously they're going to carefor her, and they're going to make sure
that they make sure thingsgo the way that they're supposed to.
(04:56):
And, yes,are they going to benefit from that? Yeah.
But hopefully she's picked thembecause they're good people
and she has a relationship with them.
But I think it's good because she's madeshe's made that ahead of time.
So make sure that you take careof specifics about your
your power of attorney.
(05:17):
It doesn't have to be a family memberthat will care for you
or who will make decisions.It could be a friend.
I know other people who have moved into assisted living,
or an elderly, like a senior community waybefore they needed to live there,
and then that has given themthe opportunity
to make friends, to develop relationships.
(05:39):
They're also in a communitythat they'll be cared for, where they have
options of medical careor people to look after them as they age.
So that is some preplanning there.
And in a lot of those communities,
you get involved in activitiesand you get involved with people
and you make friends.
So you are protected in a way from usas you are aging
(06:04):
and you're not going to becompletely alone,
which is nobody wants to be alone.
So I think churches really have kind of
not done a good job in caring for,as the Bible talks
about the widowsand the elderly and those that are alone,
(06:25):
that if we have people within the church
who don't have families around them,they don't have support.
I think the church needsto have a ministry to those people
that helps to care for themand take care of them.
So that might be something that if you'reif you're listening to us and you have,
resources connected with the church,think about that ministry,
(06:47):
because more and more elderly
people are finding themselves aloneand needing that support.
And as far as you, being
relational while you're youngerand getting involved in activities,
getting involved in organizations,volunteering,
going to a church, getting to know peoplein the church, volunteer at the church.
(07:09):
I mean, I know for some of you that's notyour personality may be too late,
but you sit in the nurseryand hold babies.
You can meet people.
That way you can get connectedto the church, begin to feel a part
of the church.
You can volunteer to do somethingfor the church,
go to a Bible study, get connectedwith other women and other men.
(07:31):
Find out if there's kids
in that churchthat are from a single family,
single parent homethat don't have grandparents in the area.
There's all kinds of kids
who are would love to helphave a grandparent, adoptive grandparent.
Maybe they they justthey need a grandparents influence
in their lifeor a grandparent to spend time with them.
(07:53):
There's so many things that you can doto invest yourself
in relationshipsand people that you will benefit from now,
and you will also benefit from as you age
and get to the pointwhere you can't take care of yourself.
If you have meaningful relationship.
It does not have to be a blood
(08:15):
relativethat cares for you and takes care of you.
I know a woman who was widoweda couple of years ago,
and she left our state
recentlyto move to another state with a couple
that was somewhat younger than her
because she doesn't have children,and now being alone,
(08:39):
she's thinking about the futureand thinking she needs to be
with peoplewho have committed to take care of her
as she gets older, or to be there for herwhen she needs something.
She's made that decision ahead of time.
I so these are things that you have to do.
You may have to move closerto a friend, closer to an extended
(09:01):
family member who you are not near now,but who you know
would care for youand would be there for you.
Putting all your hopes and all your planson children who are difficult
or who are not there for youor who are estranged,
is probably not a good idea.
(09:22):
So, a senior community centersand resources in the community
are also possibilitiesto find out what your community has.
what types of maybe.
I know our community has a seniorcommunity like luncheon.
They have, dances, they have activities.
(09:43):
These are things that allow peopleto get to know other seniors.
You don't know who you might meet,but I would say the earlier
that you start planning and thinkingabout these things, the better.
And when you're nearing that time
and making decisions, think ahead.
Make those decisions.
(10:04):
Don't be passive about this.
Take whatever control and options
and resources that you have nowso that you will not be left
in a situationwhere when you something does happen,
you are without people around you.
You have not made any plans yearsyou know, haven't taken care of your
(10:27):
your will and your trust or just,
even even your wishes to make surethat your wishes are carried out.
So sounds like a serious subject.
It's not one
that Iprobably would have thought of on my own,
but I did have a woman who asked meabout that.
And, I, I think it deserves an answer.
There are lots of people who work in
(10:48):
senior centers in the community that know
all of the resources that are availablethrough different governments.
For seniors,I like to rely on relationships and people
and the church before I go to government,outside government, resources.
But all of those are available for you.
(11:10):
And remember, also that your heavenlyfather in heaven, he knows your need.
He says that
there'snot a sparrow that falls to the ground,
that he is not aware of it, that he knowsthe very number of hairs on your head,
even as they are getting thinner,even as they are falling out.
(11:30):
He knows he cares.
He's there for you.
He will lead you and guide youas you prayerfully consider
these difficult decisionsthat need to be addressed.
And remember, this earth is not our home.
It is our temporary, temporary home.
(11:52):
And what happens in on this earth
is just a breath of eternity,just one breath in eternity.
And it is nothing.
Nothing that we go through here
even compares to the glory
that we will have in eternitywith the Lord.
(12:15):
That's what our Scripture tells us.
That's what the Bible tells us.
So God bless you.
My prayers are with youthat God would lead to give you wisdom
as you address these difficult questions.
And as always, I'm there for you.
If you have anything specificor if you have any ideas of videos
that you would like me to do,so God bless.
(12:37):
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(12:59):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
of my followers
asked me a question and that was
how do I navigate old agewhen I'm estranged from my children?
One of my most popular videosis a video on narcissistic adult children.
And many of the stories
that people have shared on there inthe comments is such
(00:42):
that their children have cut them offand walked away from them.
And so there are many fearsthat people have in relationships.
But this is also, you know, along withthis, this is epidemic in our society.
I just happened to hear on a news
kind of brief the other daythat it's becoming more and more common
(01:03):
in different places,not just in the United States,
but in other places in the world, to findan elderly person who has passed away
and yet been undiscovered for weeks
or months, just kind of making the point
that we are becoming moreand more isolated in society.
(01:24):
Covid certainly made that much worse,
but also just in terms of our tiesto families are not as strong.
People are separated by distance.
They're separated by beliefs,
they're separated by resentmentsand in anger and cut off.
And and there are peoplethat don't have children.
(01:45):
And so it's just it's it's would be
a very frightening,scary thought to think about.
And if you are in that place,I think it's a great idea to
do some processing of that ahead of time.
And I have noticed somethingas a therapist and dealing
(02:06):
with different families,that there are people
who make plans for their old age,and getting to the point
where they're not ableto take care of themselves
and there are people who live as thoughthat is never going to happen to them,
and none of us want to deal with thator think about that.
None of uswant to think about the idea of dying,
(02:27):
but we know we are all frail,
mortal human beings that are aging
and that as long as sin is in this world,
that there will also be a timethat each of us will die.
And then for us that are Christians,
the after that is, a wonderful eternity
(02:50):
when we are with the Lord forever,and we will not have our mortal,
frail, aging bodies,but we will have a new body.
So what do we do, though, in this worldpersonally?
Planning ahead?
Planning is super important for everyonethat is aging.
(03:10):
I mean, first of all, having a trustor having a will
where you state your wishes
for what you want
as far as end of life measures,what you want done with your possessions,
your your goods, yourall of the things that you
have to give awayif you do not have a will,
(03:32):
if you do not have somebodythat is in charge
and executor of your state,the state will make a decision
as to who things go toand who manages that.
Why leave that decision to anybodywho doesn't know you and who doesn't care,
or to have court a judgethat has no idea of who you are?
(03:53):
So make plans, put, develop a trust.
Have a will, go to an attorney.
Write out the specifics. Think about it.
Who do you wantyour worldly goods to go to?
Charity.
I know one woman who is, alone.
She does not have children,and she is not married.
(04:13):
And she's from another country,and she has possessions,
and she has decided that she isgiving everything
she has to a church, her churchthat she attends.
And she has made them, the beneficiary
of her worldly possessions, her house.
She's given them trustee power,
(04:36):
and they will bethe ones that take care of her estate.
What I like about that is,I mean, she attends a small church
and is she trusts them.
And obviously they're going to carefor her, and they're going to make sure
that they make sure thingsgo the way that they're supposed to.
(04:56):
And, yes,are they going to benefit from that? Yeah.
But hopefully she's picked thembecause they're good people
and she has a relationship with them.
But I think it's good because she's madeshe's made that ahead of time.
So make sure that you take careof specifics about your
your power of attorney.
(05:17):
It doesn't have to be a family memberthat will care for you
or who will make decisions.It could be a friend.
I know other people who have moved into assisted living,
or an elderly, like a senior community waybefore they needed to live there,
and then that has given themthe opportunity
to make friends, to develop relationships.
(05:39):
They're also in a communitythat they'll be cared for, where they have
options of medical careor people to look after them as they age.
So that is some preplanning there.
And in a lot of those communities,
you get involved in activitiesand you get involved with people
and you make friends.
So you are protected in a way from usas you are aging
(06:04):
and you're not going to becompletely alone,
which is nobody wants to be alone.
So I think churches really have kind of
not done a good job in caring for,as the Bible talks
about the widowsand the elderly and those that are alone,
(06:25):
that if we have people within the church
who don't have families around them,they don't have support.
I think the church needsto have a ministry to those people
that helps to care for themand take care of them.
So that might be something that if you'reif you're listening to us and you have,
resources connected with the church,think about that ministry,
(06:47):
because more and more elderly
people are finding themselves aloneand needing that support.
And as far as you, being
relational while you're youngerand getting involved in activities,
getting involved in organizations,volunteering,
going to a church, getting to know peoplein the church, volunteer at the church.
(07:09):
I mean, I know for some of you that's notyour personality may be too late,
but you sit in the nurseryand hold babies.
You can meet people.
That way you can get connectedto the church, begin to feel a part
of the church.
You can volunteer to do somethingfor the church,
go to a Bible study, get connectedwith other women and other men.
(07:31):
Find out if there's kids
in that churchthat are from a single family,
single parent homethat don't have grandparents in the area.
There's all kinds of kids
who are would love to helphave a grandparent, adoptive grandparent.
Maybe they they justthey need a grandparents influence
in their lifeor a grandparent to spend time with them.
(07:53):
There's so many things that you can doto invest yourself
in relationshipsand people that you will benefit from now,
and you will also benefit from as you age
and get to the pointwhere you can't take care of yourself.
If you have meaningful relationship.
It does not have to be a blood
(08:15):
relativethat cares for you and takes care of you.
I know a woman who was widoweda couple of years ago,
and she left our state
recentlyto move to another state with a couple
that was somewhat younger than her
because she doesn't have children,and now being alone,
(08:39):
she's thinking about the futureand thinking she needs to be
with peoplewho have committed to take care of her
as she gets older, or to be there for herwhen she needs something.
She's made that decision ahead of time.
I so these are things that you have to do.
You may have to move closerto a friend, closer to an extended
(09:01):
family member who you are not near now,but who you know
would care for youand would be there for you.
Putting all your hopes and all your planson children who are difficult
or who are not there for youor who are estranged,
is probably not a good idea.
(09:22):
So, a senior community centersand resources in the community
are also possibilitiesto find out what your community has.
what types of maybe.
I know our community has a seniorcommunity like luncheon.
They have, dances, they have activities.
(09:43):
These are things that allow peopleto get to know other seniors.
You don't know who you might meet,but I would say the earlier
that you start planning and thinkingabout these things, the better.
And when you're nearing that time
and making decisions, think ahead.
Make those decisions.
(10:04):
Don't be passive about this.
Take whatever control and options
and resources that you have nowso that you will not be left
in a situationwhere when you something does happen,
you are without people around you.
You have not made any plans yearsyou know, haven't taken care of your
(10:27):
your will and your trust or just,
even even your wishes to make surethat your wishes are carried out.
So sounds like a serious subject.
It's not one
that Iprobably would have thought of on my own,
but I did have a woman who asked meabout that.
And, I, I think it deserves an answer.
There are lots of people who work in
(10:48):
senior centers in the community that know
all of the resources that are availablethrough different governments.
For seniors,I like to rely on relationships and people
and the church before I go to government,outside government, resources.
But all of those are available for you.
(11:10):
And remember, also that your heavenlyfather in heaven, he knows your need.
He says that
there'snot a sparrow that falls to the ground,
that he is not aware of it, that he knowsthe very number of hairs on your head,
even as they are getting thinner,even as they are falling out.
(11:30):
He knows he cares.
He's there for you.
He will lead you and guide youas you prayerfully consider
these difficult decisionsthat need to be addressed.
And remember, this earth is not our home.
It is our temporary, temporary home.
(11:52):
And what happens in on this earth
is just a breath of eternity,just one breath in eternity.
And it is nothing.
Nothing that we go through here
even compares to the glory
that we will have in eternitywith the Lord.
(12:15):
That's what our Scripture tells us.
That's what the Bible tells us.
So God bless you.
My prayers are with youthat God would lead to give you wisdom
as you address these difficult questions.
And as always, I'm there for you.
If you have anything specificor if you have any ideas of videos
that you would like me to do,so God bless.
(12:37):
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(12:59):
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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