March 13, 2025 • 12 mins
Toxic relationships with dysfunctional dynamics don't use reparative moves to reconnect after conflict. As a result, they are perpetually disconnected. There are small things that can be done that will move the parties toward each other and increase the possibility that they can open a discussion. Find out what these things are by watching the video.#reparativemoves #openingdiscussion #dysfunctionalrelationship #healthyrelationshipsteps
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/7s5OY6ZxVAY
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Reparative moves.
What is a reparative move?
Well, when you have conflict or hurt
or any type of break in a relationship,
a reparative move is what you doto restore the connection.
It may not necessarily fix the problem.
That may take a really,a deep conversation.
(00:44):
It may take counseling.
It may take, something else.
But a reparative move is what you do
to restore connection.
Now, why is that important?
Because any time that you have an argumentor you say something that is harsh,
or maybe the other personsays something that is harsh,
but you care about that personin the relationship
(01:06):
and that personis not willing to move toward you.
Maybe you want to make the reparative
move to open up the conversation.
Maybe you know that person is struggling
with somethingor that that's a difficult situation.
Or that person has a hard time beinghonest about feelings or whatever it is.
(01:26):
But a reparative moveis what you do in it.
And it'sit could be something really simple.
It's anything that you do that attempts
to bring the relationshipback to a place of connection and healing.
So first one is humor.
Humor is great.
It's like gives it a light touch.
(01:47):
It's like it doesn't have to be.
It could be about anything.It could be like.
It could be about the person.
Something that you know about that person.
It could be about yourself.
It could be kind of self-deprecatingto where you just kind of lighten it.
It could be about something elsethat, you know, that the person laughs at.
I will, give you an example,
(02:08):
of humor
with situation like thatis this one just came to my mind.
I have a history of being kind of anxiousand controlling in our
my relationshipwith my kids, with my husband,
and my husband in the pasthad always been kind
of critical about itand really harsh responding to it.
(02:31):
And that did not go anywherebecause that would cause an argument
or it would cause,I feel like I needed to defend myself.
So one day I said something that was,
kind of controllingand or was like kind of like a comment
that would be likenot just letting it go, but
having to say something or questioningwhat he was doing.
(02:55):
And instead of responding harshly,he just looked at me and smiled
and I said,
oh, that one, thoughthat was controlling, wasn't.
I'm sure you can handle it without metelling you how to do it.
And then we both laughed.
That was that was a reparative mood.
He he actually reached out toward me,even though I was
(03:17):
the one who said somethingthat was kind of, annoying.
So but it was with humor.
So it just.
Well, actually,it actually was with a gesture, but it was
it was kind ofwith a little twinkle in his eye
that was kind of saying,this is do you want to ask?
You want to ask yourself something here?
So that was to me, it felt like humor.
So it could be any kind of humorto lighten it up.
(03:40):
The second one is apologizing.
If you have a just an argumentor a disagreement with somebody, and
you can be the first to apologize,and that
brings you back into connection,it may make it safer
for the other person to apologize,but at least even if they don't,
then at least you have doneyour part in reconnecting.
(04:03):
And that is like super helpful.
And at least you will walk awayhaving done your part.
But usually when you apologize it causessoftness and person coming towards you.
Also reconnecting to start a conversation.
Like if there was an argumentthat happened before or at a different
(04:26):
time, and you're the one that reconnectsby opening up the conversation
that is
a way of,
a reparative move because you're saying,I'm willing to talk about this.
So you move toward the problemand open up the conversation.
It might even be just with, when are youwilling to talk to me about this?
(04:48):
Or I'd like to talk about what happened,or I'd like to get
a better understandingof what was going on with you, just
you beingthe one to start the reconnection.
Then the next one is kindness.
Doing something kind,doing something special for the person.
It might.
Maybe you go to bedand you had an argument with your spouse,
(05:09):
but when the
spouse wakes up in the morning,you have a sweet note by their coffee cup,
or you put out their bowl
for cerealand you put a note in it that says,
just wanted to lighten your loadthis morning, or thinking of you,
I love you or bringing somebodya glass of tea, glass
(05:31):
of iced tea or a cup of tea when they'resitting there, kind of stressed
or they're doing their workmaybe at home, or they're on the laptop,
whatever it is, just doing somethingkind, bringing somebody flowers.
That could be a reparative move,obviously.
And if somebody is making
a reparative move, it is really good
(05:54):
practice that you do not dis it.
Do not, like, push it away,don't take the flowers,
break them intoand throw them in the trash.
At least accept the gesturefor what it is. Now.
You may have a history of that personbeing manipulative,
and if you do, then obviouslyyou need to take that into consideration.
And, other actions need to follow
(06:17):
and not just the reparative move,
but at least take that at face valueand recognize that
person is trying to do something.
So kindness,it could be anything that is kind.
It could be picking up the kidsafter school for you,
knowing that you're stressed.
(06:39):
But and that's a way of saying,I'm sorry that we had the argument.
I want to I want to help you out.
And then the last one is touch,whether it's hug
or touching the hand or touching softtouch on the shoulder.
If it's a kiss on the cheek,maybe after you've had an argument
and your spouse is getting ready to leaveyou, just you kind of give them a hug or
(07:03):
or kiss them on the cheek, andand you don't have to solve the argument
that you had right then,
but that's letting the person knowI'm moving towards you.
I still love you.Same thing with the child.
obviously it it couldthis could be done through a text.
It can be done through an email.
If you're sending a message of love
(07:23):
that's conveying one of these,so it doesn't even have to be in person.
It could be, a way of, just movingtoward that person, letting them know I'm.
I want to step out,and I want to fix this.
So in dysfunctional relationships,
people don't often make reparative moves.
They get angry, they cut you off,they get mad.
(07:46):
They get stubborn.
They they're proud.
They are resentful. They're angry.
They get moody.They hold things against you.
They get blaming.
They get defensive about their own stuff.
There's just all kinds of things.
So you got to know, okay?
When somebody else doesn't make areparative move, do I want to make it now?
You don't want to do it if it's not safe,if the person is unsafe.
(08:10):
And by having you admitthat it's going to be like something
that is going to be used against you,then please don't.
If something big has happened, youjust found out your spouse had an affair.
Obviously not the moment for youto be making a reparative move.
That's got a lot to processand a lot to deal with.
And that person
(08:30):
is going to have to be doinga lot of the reparative moves themselves.
And it's not up to youto make a first move.
But talking about normallyin a relationship,
God reaches out to useven when we are not faithful.
And, we know he's there,but he will often reach toward us.
There's all kinds of peoplewho have, stories.
(08:51):
And I'm sure you have times in your lifewhen you have just felt like
God has reached towards you and just said,you know, come back to me or I'm here
for you, or I love you even when you'rekind of separated from him.
So. So, it'snot unusual for God to do that with us.
So you need to ask yourself, do I makereparative moves or am I usually stubborn?
(09:14):
And do I need to beginto make reparative moves?
Or how can repair itif moves help you in your relationships?
Help to bring healing?
Romans 12:18 says, if it is
possible as far as it depends on you,live at peace with everyone.
Now that if it is possible, as far as it
(09:36):
depends on you,you can't do the other person's part.
You can do your part.
You make your reparative move.
You make your effort,and then the other person has to come
forward and has to be willing to repairin order for it to be repaired.
And Matthew 5:23 reminds us thatif you are offering your gift at the altar
(09:58):
and remember that your brotherhas something against you,
leave your gift therein front of the altar.
First,go and be reconciled to your brother.
Then come and offer your gift.
So we are to make an effort
to make a reparative move with somebodythat we know has something against us.
(10:21):
So, I hope that this has helped you.
And I hope that you will think about itand remember to drop your pride,
because a lot of times it's pridethat makes us not want to make
a reparative move and begin to take stepsto bring healing in your relationships.
Remember, you can use humor, apologizing,
(10:43):
taking the first stepto reconnect kindness
and touch all of those things are waysthat you can make reparative moves.
Thank you for watching and,I hope you'll check,
other of my YouTube videos and my website.
I have classes and booksand all kinds of things, studies
(11:05):
that you can do on your own,but the classes are awesome.
So and you will learn so much.
And it's like a it's a support group toowith the discussion groups.
So please check it out.
Thank you. God bless.
Thank youfor listening to Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
(11:27):
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
(11:48):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
Reparative moves.
What is a reparative move?
Well, when you have conflict or hurt
or any type of break in a relationship,
a reparative move is what you doto restore the connection.
It may not necessarily fix the problem.
That may take a really,a deep conversation.
(00:44):
It may take counseling.
It may take, something else.
But a reparative move is what you do
to restore connection.
Now, why is that important?
Because any time that you have an argumentor you say something that is harsh,
or maybe the other personsays something that is harsh,
but you care about that personin the relationship
(01:06):
and that personis not willing to move toward you.
Maybe you want to make the reparative
move to open up the conversation.
Maybe you know that person is struggling
with somethingor that that's a difficult situation.
Or that person has a hard time beinghonest about feelings or whatever it is.
(01:26):
But a reparative moveis what you do in it.
And it'sit could be something really simple.
It's anything that you do that attempts
to bring the relationshipback to a place of connection and healing.
So first one is humor.
Humor is great.
It's like gives it a light touch.
(01:47):
It's like it doesn't have to be.
It could be about anything.It could be like.
It could be about the person.
Something that you know about that person.
It could be about yourself.
It could be kind of self-deprecatingto where you just kind of lighten it.
It could be about something elsethat, you know, that the person laughs at.
I will, give you an example,
(02:08):
of humor
with situation like thatis this one just came to my mind.
I have a history of being kind of anxiousand controlling in our
my relationshipwith my kids, with my husband,
and my husband in the pasthad always been kind
of critical about itand really harsh responding to it.
(02:31):
And that did not go anywherebecause that would cause an argument
or it would cause,I feel like I needed to defend myself.
So one day I said something that was,
kind of controllingand or was like kind of like a comment
that would be likenot just letting it go, but
having to say something or questioningwhat he was doing.
(02:55):
And instead of responding harshly,he just looked at me and smiled
and I said,
oh, that one, thoughthat was controlling, wasn't.
I'm sure you can handle it without metelling you how to do it.
And then we both laughed.
That was that was a reparative mood.
He he actually reached out toward me,even though I was
(03:17):
the one who said somethingthat was kind of, annoying.
So but it was with humor.
So it just.
Well, actually,it actually was with a gesture, but it was
it was kind ofwith a little twinkle in his eye
that was kind of saying,this is do you want to ask?
You want to ask yourself something here?
So that was to me, it felt like humor.
So it could be any kind of humorto lighten it up.
(03:40):
The second one is apologizing.
If you have a just an argumentor a disagreement with somebody, and
you can be the first to apologize,and that
brings you back into connection,it may make it safer
for the other person to apologize,but at least even if they don't,
then at least you have doneyour part in reconnecting.
(04:03):
And that is like super helpful.
And at least you will walk awayhaving done your part.
But usually when you apologize it causessoftness and person coming towards you.
Also reconnecting to start a conversation.
Like if there was an argumentthat happened before or at a different
(04:26):
time, and you're the one that reconnectsby opening up the conversation
that is
a way of,
a reparative move because you're saying,I'm willing to talk about this.
So you move toward the problemand open up the conversation.
It might even be just with, when are youwilling to talk to me about this?
(04:48):
Or I'd like to talk about what happened,or I'd like to get
a better understandingof what was going on with you, just
you beingthe one to start the reconnection.
Then the next one is kindness.
Doing something kind,doing something special for the person.
It might.
Maybe you go to bedand you had an argument with your spouse,
(05:09):
but when the
spouse wakes up in the morning,you have a sweet note by their coffee cup,
or you put out their bowl
for cerealand you put a note in it that says,
just wanted to lighten your loadthis morning, or thinking of you,
I love you or bringing somebodya glass of tea, glass
(05:31):
of iced tea or a cup of tea when they'resitting there, kind of stressed
or they're doing their workmaybe at home, or they're on the laptop,
whatever it is, just doing somethingkind, bringing somebody flowers.
That could be a reparative move,obviously.
And if somebody is making
a reparative move, it is really good
(05:54):
practice that you do not dis it.
Do not, like, push it away,don't take the flowers,
break them intoand throw them in the trash.
At least accept the gesturefor what it is. Now.
You may have a history of that personbeing manipulative,
and if you do, then obviouslyyou need to take that into consideration.
And, other actions need to follow
(06:17):
and not just the reparative move,
but at least take that at face valueand recognize that
person is trying to do something.
So kindness,it could be anything that is kind.
It could be picking up the kidsafter school for you,
knowing that you're stressed.
(06:39):
But and that's a way of saying,I'm sorry that we had the argument.
I want to I want to help you out.
And then the last one is touch,whether it's hug
or touching the hand or touching softtouch on the shoulder.
If it's a kiss on the cheek,maybe after you've had an argument
and your spouse is getting ready to leaveyou, just you kind of give them a hug or
(07:03):
or kiss them on the cheek, andand you don't have to solve the argument
that you had right then,
but that's letting the person knowI'm moving towards you.
I still love you.Same thing with the child.
obviously it it couldthis could be done through a text.
It can be done through an email.
If you're sending a message of love
(07:23):
that's conveying one of these,so it doesn't even have to be in person.
It could be, a way of, just movingtoward that person, letting them know I'm.
I want to step out,and I want to fix this.
So in dysfunctional relationships,
people don't often make reparative moves.
They get angry, they cut you off,they get mad.
(07:46):
They get stubborn.
They they're proud.
They are resentful. They're angry.
They get moody.They hold things against you.
They get blaming.
They get defensive about their own stuff.
There's just all kinds of things.
So you got to know, okay?
When somebody else doesn't make areparative move, do I want to make it now?
You don't want to do it if it's not safe,if the person is unsafe.
(08:10):
And by having you admitthat it's going to be like something
that is going to be used against you,then please don't.
If something big has happened, youjust found out your spouse had an affair.
Obviously not the moment for youto be making a reparative move.
That's got a lot to processand a lot to deal with.
And that person
(08:30):
is going to have to be doinga lot of the reparative moves themselves.
And it's not up to youto make a first move.
But talking about normallyin a relationship,
God reaches out to useven when we are not faithful.
And, we know he's there,but he will often reach toward us.
There's all kinds of peoplewho have, stories.
(08:51):
And I'm sure you have times in your lifewhen you have just felt like
God has reached towards you and just said,you know, come back to me or I'm here
for you, or I love you even when you'rekind of separated from him.
So. So, it'snot unusual for God to do that with us.
So you need to ask yourself, do I makereparative moves or am I usually stubborn?
(09:14):
And do I need to beginto make reparative moves?
Or how can repair itif moves help you in your relationships?
Help to bring healing?
Romans 12:18 says, if it is
possible as far as it depends on you,live at peace with everyone.
Now that if it is possible, as far as it
(09:36):
depends on you,you can't do the other person's part.
You can do your part.
You make your reparative move.
You make your effort,and then the other person has to come
forward and has to be willing to repairin order for it to be repaired.
And Matthew 5:23 reminds us thatif you are offering your gift at the altar
(09:58):
and remember that your brotherhas something against you,
leave your gift therein front of the altar.
First,go and be reconciled to your brother.
Then come and offer your gift.
So we are to make an effort
to make a reparative move with somebodythat we know has something against us.
(10:21):
So, I hope that this has helped you.
And I hope that you will think about itand remember to drop your pride,
because a lot of times it's pridethat makes us not want to make
a reparative move and begin to take stepsto bring healing in your relationships.
Remember, you can use humor, apologizing,
(10:43):
taking the first stepto reconnect kindness
and touch all of those things are waysthat you can make reparative moves.
Thank you for watching and,I hope you'll check,
other of my YouTube videos and my website.
I have classes and booksand all kinds of things, studies
(11:05):
that you can do on your own,but the classes are awesome.
So and you will learn so much.
And it's like a it's a support group toowith the discussion groups.
So please check it out.
Thank you. God bless.
Thank youfor listening to Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
(11:27):
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
(11:48):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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