December 18, 2025 • 10 mins
Self care for the holidays is essential for everyone but critical for anyone dealing with dysfunctional family dynamics. Watch this video for some practical ideas.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
I'm going to read to you
December 21st from this book, ChangeMy Relationship:
365 Daily Devotions for Christiansin Difficult Relationships.
This is my devotionaland I think you're going to like it.
I'm going to do all of the differentholiday readings.
So I'm going to read December 21stand it is self-care for the holidays.
(00:44):
Jesus, knowing that they intended to comeand make him king
by force,withdrew again to a mountain by himself.
John 6:15. Self-care.
He knew that they were going to comedo something.
He wasn't going to go along with it.
He didn't agree.
So he took care of himself.
He withdrew by himself.
(01:06):
And it says again, withdrew again.
He had done that before.
So it says, here are some ideasfor handling this season.
Less painfully and more bearable.
First of all, reevaluate your traditions.
Even if you've always done things acertain way, doesn't mean you have to now.
(01:26):
This has been a very difficult year.
This has been our second yearthat we've had Covid
and Covid fears and Covidrestrictions and covert Covid stressors,
and things are not yet back to normalfor a lot of people.
There's a lot of stress in familieswith families
(01:47):
being divided over the vaccineor no vaccine.
So there's a lot of extra pressures still,
financial pressureswith the things that are going on.
People with their threats have lost jobsand different things that have happened
to them with their in the economy,with their finances, sickness,
(02:07):
lots of inability to travel,lots of people
that can't aren't comfortablespending time with other people.
And the normal family get togethers.
So revaluate your traditions.
Just because it's always beena certain way
doesn't mean it has to be a certain way.
You do not have to do it. The same way.
Maybe this yearyou're going to get together with friends.
(02:30):
Maybe this year you're goingto get together with a smaller
part of your family.
Maybe you're going to get togetherin groups.
Maybe you're goingto get together, on zoom,
maybe I don't know what it is,but maybe it's going to be different.
Dinner.
Instead of cooking dinner, it'sgoing to be buying out.
Or maybe it's going to be instead ofmaybe it won't be a big meal.
(02:53):
Maybe they'll just be sharing dessertsor something.
Reevaluate them.
Don't get hung up on having to do ita certain way to be okay.
Let yourself have new options.
It's too stressful to push,to try to make things
the way they wereor the way they always are.
(03:13):
When you have changes and stresses goingon, this could be the same.
If it's a divorceor if it's a new separation,
or if you havea, maybe your child with your grandkids
moved away and you're not going to be ableto see them for the first Christmas.
I mean, this is this is all kinds ofthings that happened even without COVID.
Then it says, watch your triggers.
(03:36):
Pay attention to what triggers your painand prepare yourself to handle it.
So, so important.
I can tell you that there's been timeswhere
I've been in a painful placewith my marriage, or a painful place
with one of my children,where Facebook is a no go.
Like not able to look at
(03:59):
Facebook postingswhere people post all their pictures
of happy family times and people together.
Not that I begrudge them.
Not that I feel like
I'm sad or enviousof what's going on with them.
I'm happy for them.
(04:19):
I'm glad for them,and I hope that it's what they're posting
is really reflective of that joyand good things in their life.
Because a lot of timespeople post really good pictures
and I know the back storyand that's not really the way things are.
So it's Facebook tends to be our good faceforward that we show people.
(04:47):
But watch your triggers.
If something triggers you, don't do it.
If it's a certain store,if it's a certain, place, a certain town,
a certain church service,a certain tradition,
whatever that is,if that triggers pain in you,
if that triggers things that you know
(05:07):
are going to be hard for you,you don't have to do those things.
In fact, it's kind of your responsibility
to not do those thingsrather than to do them.
And then to just to be all upset you,
you need to make sure you protect yourselfand take care of yourself.
If you know you're going to go somewhereand it's going to trigger
(05:28):
something, then prepare yourself.
Brace yourselfbefore talk yourself through it.
Pray about it.
Visualize going through it.
Well, try, you know, with your head up.
If you've got to see an Xthat you haven't seen in a while.
And that's always painful. Just
(05:49):
practice.
Walk your way through it. Practicewhat you're going to say.
Practice your detachment. Give your.
Keep yourself busy.
whatever it is that will prepare youto do it in a better way.
The next one is show your emotions.
This isn't a time to actas if your life is perfect.
You don't have to pretend to be happywhen you're not.
(06:12):
This is not,
perfect life,
competition.
It's okay to not be okay at the holidays.
It's okay to say I'm struggling.
It's okay to say it's really hard for me.
This is my first Christmas aloneor my first Christmas.
First Christmas widowed.
(06:32):
My first Christmas divorced.
My first Christmas separated.
My first Christmas when my kid moved away.
There are people in your lifethat are safe for you to talk to.
Safe for you to be honest with.
Make sure that you allow yourselfto do that.
And always support groups are always thereto where you can be honest.
(06:53):
Know your truth.
Other people don't have to agreewith what is true for you.
Take care of yourself
in whatever way you need to rememberthis is self-care for the holidays,
so you know what happened
in your marriage and your divorce.
You know the truth. You know
(07:14):
what happened in that family estrangementsituation.
You know what's going on.
You don't have to have everyone agree
with youor know your whole truth to be okay.
Just rest in that.
Know I don't have to give peoplean explanation.
I don't have to give people answers.
(07:36):
I don't have to do all that.
That's so helpful.
You don't have to give everybodyyour exposé says choose your support.
People who haven't been in your shoeswon't understand.
If you need emotional support.
Go to someone who can empathize with you.
Don't expect just anyone and everyone
to be able to tell you
(07:59):
the things that are going to help you,or to be there for you.
Choose people who get it.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting or an AA meeting,
or in any NarcoticsAnonymous or Nar-Anon for the families.
Go to one of those meetingswith people who understand.
Talk to a grief group.Talk to a therapist.
Talk to a friendwho's gone through the loss
(08:20):
of a spouse or, whoever that is.
Just don't expect everyone to get it.
Don't take personal.
The fact that they don't get it.
Most people don't understand thingsthey haven't gone through.
Understand your jealousy.
This is a weird one, As I'm a Christian.
But when you are hurting,it is normal to feel envious
(08:44):
when you see otherswho have what you don't have.
Recognize this is a sign you are hurting.
Well,not a sign that you are a bad person.
That feels badwhen other people are happy or not.
Somebody who's jealousand coveting and sinful,
but somebody whose heart is hurting.
(09:06):
When you are hurtingand you are in the grieving process.
I know people this Christmaswho it's going to be the first Christmas
without a baby that was stillborn
or a family memberwho died, like I said, or a family member.
There is no way
that seeing a family with a brand new baby
(09:30):
at Christmas, or seeing somebodywith a baby about the age
that your baby would havebeen, is not going to pierce your heart.
You can't pretend it's okay.
That is piercing your heartbecause you are still
in the grief process,not because you're a bad person.
Use these ideas to take good
care of yourself this Christmas seasonand during the rest of the year.
(09:53):
And the prayer is God, you know my pain.
Help me to do what I need to do to takecare of myself during this time of year.
Amen.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
I'm going to read to you
December 21st from this book, ChangeMy Relationship:
365 Daily Devotions for Christiansin Difficult Relationships.
This is my devotionaland I think you're going to like it.
I'm going to do all of the differentholiday readings.
So I'm going to read December 21stand it is self-care for the holidays.
(00:44):
Jesus, knowing that they intended to comeand make him king
by force,withdrew again to a mountain by himself.
John 6:15. Self-care.
He knew that they were going to comedo something.
He wasn't going to go along with it.
He didn't agree.
So he took care of himself.
He withdrew by himself.
(01:06):
And it says again, withdrew again.
He had done that before.
So it says, here are some ideasfor handling this season.
Less painfully and more bearable.
First of all, reevaluate your traditions.
Even if you've always done things acertain way, doesn't mean you have to now.
(01:26):
This has been a very difficult year.
This has been our second yearthat we've had Covid
and Covid fears and Covidrestrictions and covert Covid stressors,
and things are not yet back to normalfor a lot of people.
There's a lot of stress in familieswith families
(01:47):
being divided over the vaccineor no vaccine.
So there's a lot of extra pressures still,
financial pressureswith the things that are going on.
People with their threats have lost jobsand different things that have happened
to them with their in the economy,with their finances, sickness,
(02:07):
lots of inability to travel,lots of people
that can't aren't comfortablespending time with other people.
And the normal family get togethers.
So revaluate your traditions.
Just because it's always beena certain way
doesn't mean it has to be a certain way.
You do not have to do it. The same way.
Maybe this yearyou're going to get together with friends.
(02:30):
Maybe this year you're goingto get together with a smaller
part of your family.
Maybe you're going to get togetherin groups.
Maybe you're goingto get together, on zoom,
maybe I don't know what it is,but maybe it's going to be different.
Dinner.
Instead of cooking dinner, it'sgoing to be buying out.
Or maybe it's going to be instead ofmaybe it won't be a big meal.
(02:53):
Maybe they'll just be sharing dessertsor something.
Reevaluate them.
Don't get hung up on having to do ita certain way to be okay.
Let yourself have new options.
It's too stressful to push,to try to make things
the way they wereor the way they always are.
(03:13):
When you have changes and stresses goingon, this could be the same.
If it's a divorceor if it's a new separation,
or if you havea, maybe your child with your grandkids
moved away and you're not going to be ableto see them for the first Christmas.
I mean, this is this is all kinds ofthings that happened even without COVID.
Then it says, watch your triggers.
(03:36):
Pay attention to what triggers your painand prepare yourself to handle it.
So, so important.
I can tell you that there's been timeswhere
I've been in a painful placewith my marriage, or a painful place
with one of my children,where Facebook is a no go.
Like not able to look at
(03:59):
Facebook postingswhere people post all their pictures
of happy family times and people together.
Not that I begrudge them.
Not that I feel like
I'm sad or enviousof what's going on with them.
I'm happy for them.
(04:19):
I'm glad for them,and I hope that it's what they're posting
is really reflective of that joyand good things in their life.
Because a lot of timespeople post really good pictures
and I know the back storyand that's not really the way things are.
So it's Facebook tends to be our good faceforward that we show people.
(04:47):
But watch your triggers.
If something triggers you, don't do it.
If it's a certain store,if it's a certain, place, a certain town,
a certain church service,a certain tradition,
whatever that is,if that triggers pain in you,
if that triggers things that you know
(05:07):
are going to be hard for you,you don't have to do those things.
In fact, it's kind of your responsibility
to not do those thingsrather than to do them.
And then to just to be all upset you,
you need to make sure you protect yourselfand take care of yourself.
If you know you're going to go somewhereand it's going to trigger
(05:28):
something, then prepare yourself.
Brace yourselfbefore talk yourself through it.
Pray about it.
Visualize going through it.
Well, try, you know, with your head up.
If you've got to see an Xthat you haven't seen in a while.
And that's always painful. Just
(05:49):
practice.
Walk your way through it. Practicewhat you're going to say.
Practice your detachment. Give your.
Keep yourself busy.
whatever it is that will prepare youto do it in a better way.
The next one is show your emotions.
This isn't a time to actas if your life is perfect.
You don't have to pretend to be happywhen you're not.
(06:12):
This is not,
perfect life,
competition.
It's okay to not be okay at the holidays.
It's okay to say I'm struggling.
It's okay to say it's really hard for me.
This is my first Christmas aloneor my first Christmas.
First Christmas widowed.
(06:32):
My first Christmas divorced.
My first Christmas separated.
My first Christmas when my kid moved away.
There are people in your lifethat are safe for you to talk to.
Safe for you to be honest with.
Make sure that you allow yourselfto do that.
And always support groups are always thereto where you can be honest.
(06:53):
Know your truth.
Other people don't have to agreewith what is true for you.
Take care of yourself
in whatever way you need to rememberthis is self-care for the holidays,
so you know what happened
in your marriage and your divorce.
You know the truth. You know
(07:14):
what happened in that family estrangementsituation.
You know what's going on.
You don't have to have everyone agree
with youor know your whole truth to be okay.
Just rest in that.
Know I don't have to give peoplean explanation.
I don't have to give people answers.
(07:36):
I don't have to do all that.
That's so helpful.
You don't have to give everybodyyour exposé says choose your support.
People who haven't been in your shoeswon't understand.
If you need emotional support.
Go to someone who can empathize with you.
Don't expect just anyone and everyone
to be able to tell you
(07:59):
the things that are going to help you,or to be there for you.
Choose people who get it.
Go to an Al-Anon meeting or an AA meeting,
or in any NarcoticsAnonymous or Nar-Anon for the families.
Go to one of those meetingswith people who understand.
Talk to a grief group.Talk to a therapist.
Talk to a friendwho's gone through the loss
(08:20):
of a spouse or, whoever that is.
Just don't expect everyone to get it.
Don't take personal.
The fact that they don't get it.
Most people don't understand thingsthey haven't gone through.
Understand your jealousy.
This is a weird one, As I'm a Christian.
But when you are hurting,it is normal to feel envious
(08:44):
when you see otherswho have what you don't have.
Recognize this is a sign you are hurting.
Well,not a sign that you are a bad person.
That feels badwhen other people are happy or not.
Somebody who's jealousand coveting and sinful,
but somebody whose heart is hurting.
(09:06):
When you are hurtingand you are in the grieving process.
I know people this Christmaswho it's going to be the first Christmas
without a baby that was stillborn
or a family memberwho died, like I said, or a family member.
There is no way
that seeing a family with a brand new baby
(09:30):
at Christmas, or seeing somebodywith a baby about the age
that your baby would havebeen, is not going to pierce your heart.
You can't pretend it's okay.
That is piercing your heartbecause you are still
in the grief process,not because you're a bad person.
Use these ideas to take good
care of yourself this Christmas seasonand during the rest of the year.
(09:53):
And the prayer is God, you know my pain.
Help me to do what I need to do to takecare of myself during this time of year.
Amen.
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