Setting Boundaries: From Chaos to Clarity

When setting boundaries, how do you go from chaos to clarity? If you've been in a relationship with dysfunctional dynamics, you know what it is to be confused, frustrated, overwhelmed, and uncertain. You know how you question yourself and wonder if your thoughts, feelings, actions, and perceptions are accurate. 

Is it possible to go from there to a place where you are clear on what is happening and what you need to do? Is it possible to know your boundaries and have the courage to follow through? 

The answer is "Yes." Watch this video on "Setting Boundaries: From Chaos to Clarity" to learn how.

 

Website: https://www.changemyrelationship.com/ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/ChangeMyRelationship YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@changemyrelationship

Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/yxtOJJg-unA

 

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:27):
When you are dealing
with a toxic, dysfunctional person,you may find that you feel
that you are in the midstof constant chaos and lots of confusion.
Doubting yourself.
Doubting your feelings.
Doubting your experiences.
Doubting your needs, doubting your truth.
And you may just be in a desperate attemptto try to convince this person

(00:51):
that what you feeland think and say and do is right,
and that they need not tell youthat it is wrong.
And the more that you tryto convince them of this,
the more chaos you feeland the more confused that you feel.
The definition for the wordchaos is the art,
the state of utter confusion.

(01:14):
The state of utter confusion.
So when you are in the midst of chaos,it is confusing.
All kinds of things are happening.
All kinds of feelings are going onand it's just hard to figure out.
Confusion is definedas having an impaired orientation
or a disturbed mental state.

(01:34):
So you are confused mentallyand your orientation is kind of off.
You kind of can't get your footing.
Okay, so chaos is just a lot of confusion.
Can't figure things out.
So it's safe to saythat many difficult relationships
have the ability to cause youto feel chaotic and confused.

(01:55):
So some of this craziness and confusion
can be caused by someonewho really wants you to feel that way.
A crazy maker wants you to feel crazy
and catch you off guardand make you doubt yourself.
A malicious personwho's willing to harm you
doesn't care how you're affected.

(02:16):
An addict who wants you to enable,or a lazy person who wants you to
enable them and give them moneywill want you to be to doubt yourself.
So you give in to what they want.
A abuser wants you to doubt yourself,so you'll give in to their one up position
and allow them to continue to control youfor their own needs.

(02:38):
So a manipulator will use all kindsof emotionally manipulative tactics
to get you to give in to what it isthat they are trying to get,
because they don't want to ask for itany other way.
So there are some things that you can doin response to these people,

(02:58):
or any other dysfunctional personthat will ensure
that the chaos will continue.
And the first one is attempt to convince
the person causing the chaos to stop.
Please stop.
Please don't talk this way.
Please don't do this.
Useless. Doesn't happen.
Attemptto converse the convince the person trying

(03:18):
to make you feel crazythat you aren't crazy.
I'm not crazy. Put making me feel crazy.
Okay, the next one.
And this again is to continue thethe chaos.
To be ensure that the chaosis going to continue.
Attempt it to the person.
Convincethe person that wants you to enable them.

(03:39):
Why you can't enable them or won't
enable to them,and try to get them to agree with it.
Yeah, you're right.
You shouldn't enable me.
You think it's going to happen?
Attempt to convince.
Convince the person manipulating youthat you aren't,
that they aren't asking you directly.
Please ask me directly.
Please just ask me for what you want.
You really think that's going to work?

(04:00):
Attempt to commit to convince the personabusing you that it hurts.
This isn't healthy.
This is hurtful.
Please stop again. Going to work.
But there are some thingsthat you can do yourself
that will bring clarity to your confusion.
And that is, recognizethat you are feeling crazy

(04:22):
in this relationship,and maybe even remind yourself
that you don't feel crazyin all your relationships.
Hopefully not allyour relationships are crazy. Making.
Recognize that
someone wanting you to enablethem does not want to take responsibility
for themselves,and they want you just to give in.

(04:42):
Admit to yourself that this persontreats you in a manipulative, malicious,
or harmful way.
Admit that this person viewsyour relationship
as a competition for control,and is using one upmanship
to try to put you down so that you willlet them have control over you.

(05:03):
Admit to yourselfthat the relationship isn't healthy
and that it isn't good for you.
Now ultimately, when you notice
chaos and confusion, what is the solution.
The solution is to stop trying to convince
the other person of your truth
and instead convince yourself

(05:27):
they always are focusingon the other person.
But often in reality,
we need the other person's validation
to validate usso that we can hold on to our own truth
when in reality, onlyyou can hold on to your truth.
And as long as you don't feel firm in it,

(05:50):
it's goingto be hard for you to hang on to it.
You're not going to be ableto convince dysfunctional people.
So shift your focus and start working on
confirming and believing your own truth.
Having it validated from you,
which is you're allowed to selfvalidate you.

(06:10):
Feel what you feel.
You think what you think.
You believe what you believe.
You need what you need.
You want what you want.
You experienced what you experienced.
I'm not sure if I saidyou feel what you feel.
Okay.
You have got to validate yourself
and believe your own truth.
A couple of scriptures.

(06:32):
Psalm 59:3-4 says, see how they lie inwait for me.
Fierce men conspire against mefor no offense or sin of mine.
Lord, I have done no wrong.
Yet they are ready to attack me.
Arise to help me.
Look on my plight.
Jude 16.

(06:53):
There’s only one chapter in Jude,so it's verse 16.
Jude is in the New Testament.
These people are grumblingand fault finders.
They follow their own evil desires.
They boast about themselvesand flatter others for their own
advantage.
Psalm 149:8-10 says, but my eyes are fixedon you, sovereign Lord.

(07:15):
In you I take refuge. Refuge.
Do not give me over to death.
Keep me safe from the traps.
These are traps set by evil doersfrom the snares they have laid for me.
Let the wicked fall into their own nets
while I pass by in safety.
Last one Psalm 55:16-22.

(07:36):
As for me, I call to God,and the Lord saves me.
Evening, evening, morning and noon I cryout in distress, and he hears my voice.
He rescues me unharmed from the battlewaged against me.
Even though they oppose me, God,who has been thrown
from of old, who does not change,

(07:58):
he will hear them and humble them,because they have no fear of God.
My companion attacks his friends.
He violates his covenant.
His talk is smooth as butter.
Yet war is in his heart.
His words are more soothing than oil.
Yet they are drawn swords.
Cast your cares on the Lord,and he will sustain you.

(08:21):
He will never let the righteous be shaken.
So I hope that this whole ideaof from chaos to confusion,
that you have the power to do that by
believing your own truth.
And that's not truth with a capital T,like whatever you think about
God is okay or right or

(08:43):
it's basically
accepting what God says as the truth.
But your truth isthose things that I explained
and no one can tell youthat that is not what's true for you.
And you don't have to convince themin order to hang on to it.
So thank you for watching this video andI hope you'll go to my website, please.

(09:03):
And look at my studiesand things are so helpful.
I have a devotional
that's advertisedat the end of this video,
and it will give you 365 devotionsthat will teach you a little truth
each day, so that you can just havethis whole repertoire
of healthy tips and truthsbased on Scripture

(09:24):
that you can useto navigate your difficult relationships.
God bless.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.

(09:46):
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.