November 24, 2025 • 14 mins
Sex in your dysfunctional, painful, toxic marriage is impacted by the problems. Sexual dissatisfaction is high when you have anger, hurt, and rejection and many unresolved problems. You don't feel like being intimate with a person who causes you pain and doesn't care. Christian marriage advice often tells you to have more sex because your body belongs to your husband. Yet, doing that only makes you feel worse. Setting boundaries with sex is discouraged, but you need to know the scriptural truth about what you can do to deal with sex in your dysfunctional, painful, toxic marriage. Watch this video to find out. #toxicmarriage #dysfunctionalrelationship #sexualdissatisfaction #christianmarriageadvice #scripturaltruth #settingboundaries
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
I want to talk to you seriously about sex
(00:22):
in a dysfunctional,painful, toxic marriage.
So just had a conversation, recentlywith some women.
in my difficult, marriage class. What?
They're in difficult marriages and,almost all of them had these concerns
and questions about, how to handle this.
(00:45):
So, there's a ton of different scenarios.
There are some women who are in marriageswhere the husband doesn't
want to have sexbecause he's either got a low sex drive
or because he's, engaging in pornography.
And when men are watching pornography,a lot and they are masturbating
(01:06):
and they are getting their sexual needsthat way, they pull away from their wife
and they typically don't want to have,
have relations with them, or they do,but they're demanding that
their wife doesthings that are uncomfortable for her.
So let me just say, to startthat you never have to do something
(01:31):
that is uncomfortable, painful,
hurtful, harmful to your body
or to you as a person.
You always have a right to say no.
You always have a right that to ask that,it is something
that is enjoyable to both of you,not just for one or the other person.
(01:55):
You do not have to do
anything that just anythingyour husband desires.
And the more that he watchesporn and gets ideas from porn,
the more he might be asking youto do things that are new or different.
And you might be wondering,where is it getting those things?
And it's possible that that might bewhere he is getting that those ideas.
(02:21):
So in
the Scripture that is oftenbrought up with this, it's 1 Corinthians
7, where it talks about,it says that the husband should
well, first of all, says each
man should have his own wifeand each woman her own husband.
So that's no adultery.
No. Having, asking to you
(02:41):
to bring in a third personinto the bedroom. No.
It talks about the husband should fulfillhis marital duty to his wife.
And likewise, the wife to her husband.
The wife's
body does not belong to her alone,but also to her husband in the same way.
Same way the husband's body does notbelong to him alone, but also to the wife.
(03:03):
So if your the wife
has control over the husband's body,will she do things to her?
That would be hurtful?
No. Would she do things to herselfthat were harmful or abusive? No.
So it's in the same way both ways.
Then the husband, and the wifehave influence over each other
(03:28):
and are doing thingsthat are loving and caring.
Do not deprive each otherexcept by mutual consent.
And for a time,so that you may devote yourself to prayer.
Then come together again
so that Satan will not tempt youbecause of your lack of self-control.
This is where we get into troublebecause women have been taught well.
(03:50):
I have to have sex with my husband.
Otherwise he'sgoing to go out and cheat on me.
And if I don't, it's my fault.
And if I don't, then it's my faulthe goes into pornography.
Here's the problem.
So yes, in with all things
equal, in a healthy relationshipwhere you both care about each other,
(04:10):
you both have healthy relationshipskills, you
both are loving, you both are giving
and taking for each otherand taking care of yourself.
And you can settle conflict and you canbring up the things that are hurtful.
Then
yes. Then in that case, you
(04:31):
are going to have a good sex relationship
and if you don't, you're going to addressit and figure it out.
And women are created to enjoy sexjust as much as men are.
Women can get pleasure from sex.
Men should.
You should expect your husbandto give you consideration
(04:52):
and be willing to, spend time
with you and learn about your own bodyto where
you are ableto also get enjoyment out of sex.
Many women have, not been taught
that they are supposed to enjoy sex,and they don't.
And their husbands don't treat themas if they're going to enjoy sex.
(05:15):
And so it's aone way street in their marriage.
And that is very sad.
And that makes for a very unfulfillingsexual relationship.
So if that's an issue, I would, directyou to, let's see bear
marriage and they, with, Sheila, Gregory.
And they have some really good materialsthat address that issue.
(05:40):
But if you're ina dysfunctional relationship
and I know in my relationship,when my husband was harsh or hurtful,
the first thought that I had was, forget
it, don't touch me, don't come near me.
And when you apologize, which Irarely got, when you apologize, then fine.
We'll consider that after I heal.
(06:01):
But when you're ina dysfunctional relationship
and you rarely,if ever get that, then you don't heal
and you end up just shutting yourself downand having sex because you have to.
And I have had women say to me, I have.
I don't drink,but I have to get drunk before I have sex.
(06:22):
Commonly what they say is I feel used.
I feel like a prostitute.
That is not God's intention for yoursexual relationship in your marriage.
That is not healthy sex.
That is not you.
Your husband loving you as his own body.
That is not okay.
(06:44):
So what ends
up happening often isthe woman just gets mad.
She shuts downbecause it's too painful, too hurtful.
She either does it and hatesit and just gets it over with,
which does not bring them together,does not bring intimacy in their marriage.
Or she just stops doing it,and then he gets mad
(07:05):
and they just get further apart.
So there is some truthto the fact that you
that will be just another area of divisionif you don't have sex.
However, if you're having sex
and you're not enjoying it
and you're not wanting to,then it is a red flag.
(07:27):
It is somethingthat needs to be addressed.
And instead of just shutting downand not having sex, the better
thing for you to do is to simply say,I would love to have sex.
I would like to be intimate with you.
I would like to have thatbe really healthy part of our marriage,
(07:48):
but I can't. When
I feel hurt, I can't.
When you yell at me, I can't.
When you treat me unkindly,I can't when you've been harsh,
I can't when, after
you've just yelled at the kids,speaking the truth.
(08:08):
But then add the other part.
When when
you treat me kindly,
when you're soft,when you help with the kids.
When you're. When you're kind to the kids.
When you interact with us.
When you apologize for somethingyou've done wrong.
When you take my needs into consideration,I want to be with you.
(08:34):
And so then, when
some any type of change happens in that,
then try to move toward your husband
physically to where he'll know that
if he does treat you differently,
that there may be a restorationof that part of your marriage.
Now, I'm simplifying thisto put it into a video.
(08:57):
There's so many other issuesthat could be talked about,
and there's so many,like just complexities.
But in general, you don't need to beforcing yourself to have sex
and just
pushing downall the things that are pushing you away.
You need to be speaking the truth.
(09:19):
You need to,not be feeling like you have to have sex
if your husband is having an affair
or you don't know if he's cheating on you
because then that is dangerous to youand you have a right to protect yourself.
So there are, like I said, there's
so many different areasthat, could be talked about.
(09:43):
But, and look for those womenwho are married to a man
who doesn't want to have sex.
I think the issue needs to be talkedabout and addressed.
And there are times where, you
they're completely powerless over that,and they have to make a decision.
And, and again,finding out what the reason for that is,
is there, you know, later in lifethere are medication changes
(10:06):
and there are health changesthat can affect that.
And so figuring that out,expecting your spouse
to go to the doctor,if there is a physical reason
that or a psychological reasonthat they are not able
or willing to have sex,that is part of taking care of
(10:26):
the problems and addressing
issues that are stand in the way with you
having an intimate close relationship.
So that is okayto ask your spouse to do that.
Now, if the person refuses, then again,
you have to make decisions
as far as what you're willing to live withand not willing to live with.
(10:49):
That I think it's clear from Scripturethat there needs to be
or should be the possibility,or at least a sexual relationship.
I know people who have marriedsomebody in in
this is often like in a second marriageand never had sex,
(11:09):
never consummated the marriage,and they've just accepted that.
You don't have to accept that.
I mean, that is notthat is not a marriage.
But my main purpose for doing thisvideo is to let you know that
if you're not wanting to have sexbecause something is going on in
the relationship that is pushing you awayand causing you to shut down emotionally,
(11:33):
then you need to
state that and statewhat it is that could change.
That would change your feelingsof wanting to be intimate.
And if something is happening sexuallythat is harmful to you or not safe,
or that any way you have a right to sayabsolutely no,
you do still have control over your body.
(11:55):
And it's not that you are just passively
allow your husbandto do anything that he wants to to you.
That is not what Scripture talks about.
Remember, he is to love you as he loves
his own body,for no one neglects their own body.
That's it. Ephesians 5
if he loves his own body,
(12:17):
he would not do anything that hurt itor was harmful.
And it's so.
If he loves you as he is supposed to,he will not be doing anything to you
that would harm you or hurt you,or make you want to shut down to him.
And if he is, you need to let him know.
And if you can't, thatis just further proof that your marriage
(12:38):
is a difficult or dysfunctionalor toxic or destructive marriage
that eventually needs to be dealt with.
So I hope this is helpful.
If you are struggling with this,my classes women thriving
in difficult marriages,transforming difficult relationships.
Teach both.
(12:59):
Teach my ten principles.I do those on zoom.
I do them in person in YorbaLinda, California.
And, they're also availablefor self-study.
And there I also have books that, thatWhen Love Hurts, I and also,
Ten Life Saving Principles for Womenin Difficult Relationships.
Pleasefeel free to write me your questions.
(13:21):
I'm sure that there will bemany questions on this.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(13:43):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
I want to talk to you seriously about sex
(00:22):
in a dysfunctional,painful, toxic marriage.
So just had a conversation, recentlywith some women.
in my difficult, marriage class. What?
They're in difficult marriages and,almost all of them had these concerns
and questions about, how to handle this.
(00:45):
So, there's a ton of different scenarios.
There are some women who are in marriageswhere the husband doesn't
want to have sexbecause he's either got a low sex drive
or because he's, engaging in pornography.
And when men are watching pornography,a lot and they are masturbating
(01:06):
and they are getting their sexual needsthat way, they pull away from their wife
and they typically don't want to have,
have relations with them, or they do,but they're demanding that
their wife doesthings that are uncomfortable for her.
So let me just say, to startthat you never have to do something
(01:31):
that is uncomfortable, painful,
hurtful, harmful to your body
or to you as a person.
You always have a right to say no.
You always have a right that to ask that,it is something
that is enjoyable to both of you,not just for one or the other person.
(01:55):
You do not have to do
anything that just anythingyour husband desires.
And the more that he watchesporn and gets ideas from porn,
the more he might be asking youto do things that are new or different.
And you might be wondering,where is it getting those things?
And it's possible that that might bewhere he is getting that those ideas.
(02:21):
So in
the Scripture that is oftenbrought up with this, it's 1 Corinthians
7, where it talks about,it says that the husband should
well, first of all, says each
man should have his own wifeand each woman her own husband.
So that's no adultery.
No. Having, asking to you
(02:41):
to bring in a third personinto the bedroom. No.
It talks about the husband should fulfillhis marital duty to his wife.
And likewise, the wife to her husband.
The wife's
body does not belong to her alone,but also to her husband in the same way.
Same way the husband's body does notbelong to him alone, but also to the wife.
(03:03):
So if your the wife
has control over the husband's body,will she do things to her?
That would be hurtful?
No. Would she do things to herselfthat were harmful or abusive? No.
So it's in the same way both ways.
Then the husband, and the wifehave influence over each other
(03:28):
and are doing thingsthat are loving and caring.
Do not deprive each otherexcept by mutual consent.
And for a time,so that you may devote yourself to prayer.
Then come together again
so that Satan will not tempt youbecause of your lack of self-control.
This is where we get into troublebecause women have been taught well.
(03:50):
I have to have sex with my husband.
Otherwise he'sgoing to go out and cheat on me.
And if I don't, it's my fault.
And if I don't, then it's my faulthe goes into pornography.
Here's the problem.
So yes, in with all things
equal, in a healthy relationshipwhere you both care about each other,
(04:10):
you both have healthy relationshipskills, you
both are loving, you both are giving
and taking for each otherand taking care of yourself.
And you can settle conflict and you canbring up the things that are hurtful.
Then
yes. Then in that case, you
(04:31):
are going to have a good sex relationship
and if you don't, you're going to addressit and figure it out.
And women are created to enjoy sexjust as much as men are.
Women can get pleasure from sex.
Men should.
You should expect your husbandto give you consideration
(04:52):
and be willing to, spend time
with you and learn about your own bodyto where
you are ableto also get enjoyment out of sex.
Many women have, not been taught
that they are supposed to enjoy sex,and they don't.
And their husbands don't treat themas if they're going to enjoy sex.
(05:15):
And so it's aone way street in their marriage.
And that is very sad.
And that makes for a very unfulfillingsexual relationship.
So if that's an issue, I would, directyou to, let's see bear
marriage and they, with, Sheila, Gregory.
And they have some really good materialsthat address that issue.
(05:40):
But if you're ina dysfunctional relationship
and I know in my relationship,when my husband was harsh or hurtful,
the first thought that I had was, forget
it, don't touch me, don't come near me.
And when you apologize, which Irarely got, when you apologize, then fine.
We'll consider that after I heal.
(06:01):
But when you're ina dysfunctional relationship
and you rarely,if ever get that, then you don't heal
and you end up just shutting yourself downand having sex because you have to.
And I have had women say to me, I have.
I don't drink,but I have to get drunk before I have sex.
(06:22):
Commonly what they say is I feel used.
I feel like a prostitute.
That is not God's intention for yoursexual relationship in your marriage.
That is not healthy sex.
That is not you.
Your husband loving you as his own body.
That is not okay.
(06:44):
So what ends
up happening often isthe woman just gets mad.
She shuts downbecause it's too painful, too hurtful.
She either does it and hatesit and just gets it over with,
which does not bring them together,does not bring intimacy in their marriage.
Or she just stops doing it,and then he gets mad
(07:05):
and they just get further apart.
So there is some truthto the fact that you
that will be just another area of divisionif you don't have sex.
However, if you're having sex
and you're not enjoying it
and you're not wanting to,then it is a red flag.
(07:27):
It is somethingthat needs to be addressed.
And instead of just shutting downand not having sex, the better
thing for you to do is to simply say,I would love to have sex.
I would like to be intimate with you.
I would like to have thatbe really healthy part of our marriage,
(07:48):
but I can't. When
I feel hurt, I can't.
When you yell at me, I can't.
When you treat me unkindly,I can't when you've been harsh,
I can't when, after
you've just yelled at the kids,speaking the truth.
(08:08):
But then add the other part.
When when
you treat me kindly,
when you're soft,when you help with the kids.
When you're. When you're kind to the kids.
When you interact with us.
When you apologize for somethingyou've done wrong.
When you take my needs into consideration,I want to be with you.
(08:34):
And so then, when
some any type of change happens in that,
then try to move toward your husband
physically to where he'll know that
if he does treat you differently,
that there may be a restorationof that part of your marriage.
Now, I'm simplifying thisto put it into a video.
(08:57):
There's so many other issuesthat could be talked about,
and there's so many,like just complexities.
But in general, you don't need to beforcing yourself to have sex
and just
pushing downall the things that are pushing you away.
You need to be speaking the truth.
(09:19):
You need to,not be feeling like you have to have sex
if your husband is having an affair
or you don't know if he's cheating on you
because then that is dangerous to youand you have a right to protect yourself.
So there are, like I said, there's
so many different areasthat, could be talked about.
(09:43):
But, and look for those womenwho are married to a man
who doesn't want to have sex.
I think the issue needs to be talkedabout and addressed.
And there are times where, you
they're completely powerless over that,and they have to make a decision.
And, and again,finding out what the reason for that is,
is there, you know, later in lifethere are medication changes
(10:06):
and there are health changesthat can affect that.
And so figuring that out,expecting your spouse
to go to the doctor,if there is a physical reason
that or a psychological reasonthat they are not able
or willing to have sex,that is part of taking care of
(10:26):
the problems and addressing
issues that are stand in the way with you
having an intimate close relationship.
So that is okayto ask your spouse to do that.
Now, if the person refuses, then again,
you have to make decisions
as far as what you're willing to live withand not willing to live with.
(10:49):
That I think it's clear from Scripturethat there needs to be
or should be the possibility,or at least a sexual relationship.
I know people who have marriedsomebody in in
this is often like in a second marriageand never had sex,
(11:09):
never consummated the marriage,and they've just accepted that.
You don't have to accept that.
I mean, that is notthat is not a marriage.
But my main purpose for doing thisvideo is to let you know that
if you're not wanting to have sexbecause something is going on in
the relationship that is pushing you awayand causing you to shut down emotionally,
(11:33):
then you need to
state that and statewhat it is that could change.
That would change your feelingsof wanting to be intimate.
And if something is happening sexuallythat is harmful to you or not safe,
or that any way you have a right to sayabsolutely no,
you do still have control over your body.
(11:55):
And it's not that you are just passively
allow your husbandto do anything that he wants to to you.
That is not what Scripture talks about.
Remember, he is to love you as he loves
his own body,for no one neglects their own body.
That's it. Ephesians 5
if he loves his own body,
(12:17):
he would not do anything that hurt itor was harmful.
And it's so.
If he loves you as he is supposed to,he will not be doing anything to you
that would harm you or hurt you,or make you want to shut down to him.
And if he is, you need to let him know.
And if you can't, thatis just further proof that your marriage
(12:38):
is a difficult or dysfunctionalor toxic or destructive marriage
that eventually needs to be dealt with.
So I hope this is helpful.
If you are struggling with this,my classes women thriving
in difficult marriages,transforming difficult relationships.
Teach both.
(12:59):
Teach my ten principles.I do those on zoom.
I do them in person in YorbaLinda, California.
And, they're also availablefor self-study.
And there I also have books that, thatWhen Love Hurts, I and also,
Ten Life Saving Principles for Womenin Difficult Relationships.
Pleasefeel free to write me your questions.
(13:21):
I'm sure that there will bemany questions on this.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(13:43):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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