Should You Explain Your Boundary?

When you set a boundary, do you need to explain your boundary? Do you have to tell the person why you are setting that limit and justify why you came to that decision? Do you have to convince the person that you have a right to it, and do you need their permission and approval? 

These are important questions for you to consider before you state your limit. Think about what you need to say, if anything at all. Watch this video to know the answer to the question: "Should you explain your boundary?" Hint: The answer is yes and no. It depends.  

#setboundaries #christianboundaries 

 

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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/pMKiWOwYMnM

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:27):
Do you need to explainwhy you're setting a boundary?
Most of the time you do not.
You do not need somebody’s permissionor somebody’s approval to set a boundary.
Boundaries are yours.
They are for you alone.
Often times, especially in dysfunctionalrelationships, when you set a boundary,

(00:49):
the other person is going to not likeit is going to be upset.
You have to detach from their reaction.
You have to let go of what they think,and you have to hold on to the fact
that you've come to the place where thisboundary is, what you need to do for you.
Remember, boundaries are what you willor will not do
about what other people do or don't do.

(01:13):
So if it's about a relationship,it is going to be how you're going
to respond to what another person is doingor is not doing,
but not telling the other personwhat the person has to do.
You have no control over that person.
It is only abouthow you're going to respond to
what is going on or not going on.

(01:34):
So basically, when you know your boundary,you get to that point where you're
okay and the situation
this is what I'm willing to doand what I'm not willing to do.
You're going to ask yourself,how am I going to act on this?
Well, you can decide to explain itto the person ahead of time.
You know, I used to do this for you.

(01:55):
I used to argue with you and go back
and forth and listen to youwhen you were yelling at me.
But I'm not going to do that anymore.
I or I have been paying you money givingyou money towards your rent every month.
But this is the last time next monthI will not be doing this.
So there are times that it is helpfulto explain ahead of time,

(02:18):
especially when you're changing
something that you have been doingto let the person know
so it doesn't catch them off guard,or it gives them time to prepare.
But you don't have to.
You get to decide if that is somethingthat is better for you to do or not.
So you could just act on your boundary.

(02:39):
You could just be like,next time there's yelling.
I'm just going to excuse myself.
I'm going to say, you know what,I'll come back to this later.
When when we're not yelling.
When we've both calmed down.
Or you could tellthe person ahead of time,
you can let somebody know in an emailwhat's going on?
Now, remember, when you explain it,
it needs to not be to get permissionor to get approval.

(03:02):
Sometimes explaining it is helpfulfor clarity in the relationship
to allow somebody to understandwhy you're doing what you're doing,
to help somebody.
Understand what?
That, it's not about punishmentor it's not whatever.
It's just I can't do this anymore.

(03:24):
My work schedule changed so I canno longer give you a ride to work.
So that could be an explanation.
my work schedule changed so I canno longer pick you up on my way to work.
That would be helpfulfor the relationship.
And just saying I'm not picking you upfor work anymore without an explanation.
So if you feel like the person
like the situation warrantsan explanation,

(03:47):
that will be helpful, for the relationshipor make you feel better.
Great. That would be. That's totally fine.
But if you're explaining it to justify it
and trying to convince the person,
you're likely going to end up in troublebecause
it's probably with a personwho isn't open to being convinced.

(04:08):
And you have a history of having
a difficult relationshipand not having good communication
and getting understandingand having that person kind of help.
So keep that in mind.
also, if you can act on your boundarywithout explaining it.
Actions often speak longer than words.

(04:28):
And if the person's
not going to believe you anywaybecause you haven't done it in the past
and it's just going to be giving youa bunch of like pushback and threats
and things,then don't just do it when the time comes
and stay firm.
Also, sometimes that it will actually

(04:49):
make the fallout worseif you give the person time to say prepare
and build up kind of a resistance,
or come figure out how to kind ofgo back on you
and, do change back movesand put the pressure on.
So you're the mostimportant in this situation.

(05:11):
You've got to set a boundary.
You've got to take care of yourself.
Boundariesare about taking care of yourself,
so you do not have to tell the person.
Give the person warning.
Explain it.
Get the person's permission.
Get the person's approval.Keep that in mind.
Because often, especially
at the beginning of setting boundaries,it may feel very uncomfortable to do that

(05:35):
and to distance yourselffrom the person's reaction,
which will likely be negative.
It takes the ability to detachand to say, I'm going to detach
from that person's opinionsand that person's feelings
and maybe even family's opinionswho are not
supporting, whether you are

(05:58):
separating from maybe their child
or divorcing their childand they're unhappy with you.
You've got to detach from this issue.
This is about you.
You've got to detach from their feelingsand detach from their opinions
and allow them to hold onto those,but not let them affect you.

(06:19):
Also, if you
recognize that
explaining and
trying to get any one of these peoplethat is involved
with this to understand is useless,then do not waste your energy.
There's an acronym that says don't Jade,don't justify,

(06:39):
don't argue, don't defend,and don't explain.
So you do not have to explainyour boundary.
It's not required.
So Proverbs 18:2 says, fools find
no pleasure in understanding,but delight in airing their own opinions.
So if that's the personyou're dealing with, then
don't even don't don't go there.

(07:01):
Proverbs 23:10 says,do not speak to fools, for
they will scorn your prudent words.
So hopefully those scriptureswill give you an idea,
and this will kind of help youto check yourself.
if you're going to set this boundary,
do you need to say anythingor do you not need to say anything?
So, thank you for watching this video.

(07:22):
And I do have a five week boundary classthat is really helpful
for learning how to set boundaries.
And we work through boundary dilemmasof everyone in the class,
and we put them through my boundarysetting process, and you learn really well
how to set a boundaryand the boundaries are biblically based,

(07:44):
and what is a scriptural foundationfor them is very helpful.
gives you a lot of courage and setand clarity with setting boundaries.
So it's on my website, but if you haveany questions, feel free to email me.
So God bless you!
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.

(08:06):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts

(08:30):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.