November 10, 2025 • 9 mins
Should you tell your church about your relationship problems? This is an important decision because many church pastors, elders, leaders, and members don't understand toxic relationships, complicated, dysfunctional relationship problems, and emotional abuse.
They may not believe that Christians should have boundaries, and you may end up suffering double abuse, where you are discounted and invalidated by them. Even biblical counseling sometimes offers bad advice because the counselors may not have the proper training to recognize what you are dealing with and have limited therapeutic interventions.
Watch this video to find out what you need to know when deciding to tell your church about your relationship problems. #christianboundaries #relationshipproblems #emotionalabuse #doubleabuse #toxicrelationships #biblicalcounseling
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/pNK1SaUs_Zo
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
Why you need to be careful
(00:23):
before you go to your churchwith your marital problems.
If your marriage is dysfunctional,abusive, you're married to a narcissist.
You've got lots of dysfunctional dynamics.
Anything.
Or you're married to somebodywith, neurodiversity, addiction.
(00:43):
If your church is not one of the fewthat understand
dysfunction in relationships
and can give you wise counsel
that is not just rigid,
like kind of pat answers, Bible verses
or like the love your wife submit
(01:06):
to your husband,which can actually do more damage
if you are in a,dysfunctional relationship.
You if somebody tells you that, especiallyif you bring your spouse in to counsel
and you've got a husbandwho is, abusive or narcissistic
or selfish or addicted cheating on you,
(01:26):
any of those things, and you go in andand he's controlling and then some pastor
says, or you need to submit to him more,or are you submitting to him?
Or he complains that you're not submittingand you say, yes.
I, I need, I, I need to,he can use that against you
and he will or same thing with sex like,oh, she's not having sex.
(01:48):
You need to have sex.
Not asking you why?
Like, why are you not having sex?
What's going on in this marriagethat would lead you to not be able
to have sex or notwant to have sex with your spouse again.
They don't understand abuse.
You cannot take a couple that is dealingwith abuse and counsel them
as if they were a couple that was healthy,had both, have healthy skills,
(02:12):
both have healthy abilities,and are relationally healthy.
You can talk to them as a equal 50/50.
Part of the problem.
You cannot with dysfunction teachtreat them like they're.
Each of them has the same amountof problems, or say things to them
that have to do with, submittingand all of those things. And
(02:37):
that you have to have sex and you can'twithhold your body from your spouse.
By the way, I just heard
somebody say, on a abuse, videothat was talking about to women
that not maybe not just women,to people who are abused.
They said, when the Bible tells youthat you cannot withhold your body
(02:58):
from your spouse, that
you each own your own body,that it isn't just saying
the man gets to use the wife andand have sex with her whenever she wants.
It's the wife owns the husband's body too.
So the husband is going to do whatthe wife needs.
So if the wife is finding sexabusive and sex uncomfortable,
(03:22):
or for any reason, or the husband is doingthings that are harmful to the wife
and the relationship is not goodand the wife's hurting and having sex
is going to feel, like wives or,like you're, not being treated with love.
I'm going to do a videojust on that after thinking about this.
Then you you can't have.
(03:42):
If the wife controlled the husband's body,then he would be doing things
loving to her, and that would be.
So it's got to go both ways.
Not just one way,because that's what Scripture says.
So, but you've got to be very careful,because pastors
that are only counseling youfrom pastoral counseling, teaching,
and most of the seminariesdo not teach them about any
(04:08):
dynamics.
They don't know how to recognize abuse.
They will commonly say things like, well,if there's physical abuse,
you can separatejust just making emotional
and verbal abuse like of no consequencethat it's okay when it's not.
It's just as destructiveand often even more crazy
(04:29):
making to have that in a relationship.
So, and then there's differentdenominations
that will, cover up anythingthat's going on.
There's been some I'm not going to namenames of different churches that have,
just been willing to tell wivesto cover up any type of abuse in the home.
So you've got to be very careful
(04:52):
that you are discerning
as to what your church is able to do.
If they have a marriage mentoring ministry
or a Stevens ministry,those are all or a lay counseling.
Those are all wonderful, butyou should wonder what their training is.
Do they get trainingin dysfunctional dynamics?
(05:14):
Do they or is your church a,
very rigid biblical counseling,only counsel from the Bible?
Then you're going to get some advicethat is going to probably be, harmful
and hurtfuland not discerning and understanding
of mental illness,addiction and dysfunction and abuse.
(05:36):
So you don't want to have hurt
upon hurt and even more damage done.
And if you are going to a church
where you have likehave a, you're required
to take your problems tothe elders, that is a another
(05:57):
concerning thing.
Whereas if your elders,I've seen it really go
to a negative directionwhere the wife is called before the
or the husband before the elder boardfor being wanting
to separate from a spousewhen there is a need to separate
because of, toxic thingsthat are going on in the marriage
(06:17):
and they've decided whether or notthat's okay.
And, turned against the spouse.
I know people who refuse to go backto church ever, because they've been told
that they, did not have groundsto separate or divorced when they did.
And the churchkind of turned against them. So
use wisdom.
(06:38):
And if you go to,
anyone in your church,just do a little background check, do
a little figure out, what,what is their knowledge and be willing
and ready yourself to recognizewhen it's not healthy and to not.
(06:58):
Put yourself under bondage to have to go
along with it, to be able to say,no, I don't think that's healthy.
They don't get it. They don't understand.
I'm not going to put myself under anylike, what stewardship or what is it?
Like I'm not going to put my self
under a shepherd, so to speak,that does not understand
my needs and is going to do harm to meor to my children or to my marriage.
(07:24):
So you if you do go,you have to be wise enough to,
just ignore counselthat is harmful and hurtful.
So and don't let them judge you for that.
You've got to take care of yourself.
You've got to follow the Lord.
You've got to follow your conscience,and you have to do what is right for you.
So again, use wisdom
(07:46):
and they should not be controlling youwith this.
They should not be demanding.
They should not be judging you,
condemning you,or bringing you in front of the church
because you are making decisions in arelationship that they don't understand.
And another one of these rigid areasis the whole idea
with divorcing,which scholars disagree on.
(08:06):
What is the,reason, biblical reasons to divorce?
And, I'm not a scholar.
But there are lots of good books out therethat you can read.
One of them is called the LifeSaving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville.
So, if you are needing to understandsome of the scriptures regarding that.
(08:27):
So anyway, if you have questionsabout this, feel free to write me.
And, I hope this is giving you somethingto think about.
When you go to your churchor before you go to your church,
for advice and, how to keep yourself safeand protect yourself.
All right. God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(08:49):
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
(09:11):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
Why you need to be careful
(00:23):
before you go to your churchwith your marital problems.
If your marriage is dysfunctional,abusive, you're married to a narcissist.
You've got lots of dysfunctional dynamics.
Anything.
Or you're married to somebodywith, neurodiversity, addiction.
(00:43):
If your church is not one of the fewthat understand
dysfunction in relationships
and can give you wise counsel
that is not just rigid,
like kind of pat answers, Bible verses
or like the love your wife submit
(01:06):
to your husband,which can actually do more damage
if you are in a,dysfunctional relationship.
You if somebody tells you that, especiallyif you bring your spouse in to counsel
and you've got a husbandwho is, abusive or narcissistic
or selfish or addicted cheating on you,
(01:26):
any of those things, and you go in andand he's controlling and then some pastor
says, or you need to submit to him more,or are you submitting to him?
Or he complains that you're not submittingand you say, yes.
I, I need, I, I need to,he can use that against you
and he will or same thing with sex like,oh, she's not having sex.
(01:48):
You need to have sex.
Not asking you why?
Like, why are you not having sex?
What's going on in this marriagethat would lead you to not be able
to have sex or notwant to have sex with your spouse again.
They don't understand abuse.
You cannot take a couple that is dealingwith abuse and counsel them
as if they were a couple that was healthy,had both, have healthy skills,
(02:12):
both have healthy abilities,and are relationally healthy.
You can talk to them as a equal 50/50.
Part of the problem.
You cannot with dysfunction teachtreat them like they're.
Each of them has the same amountof problems, or say things to them
that have to do with, submittingand all of those things. And
(02:37):
that you have to have sex and you can'twithhold your body from your spouse.
By the way, I just heard
somebody say, on a abuse, videothat was talking about to women
that not maybe not just women,to people who are abused.
They said, when the Bible tells youthat you cannot withhold your body
(02:58):
from your spouse, that
you each own your own body,that it isn't just saying
the man gets to use the wife andand have sex with her whenever she wants.
It's the wife owns the husband's body too.
So the husband is going to do whatthe wife needs.
So if the wife is finding sexabusive and sex uncomfortable,
(03:22):
or for any reason, or the husband is doingthings that are harmful to the wife
and the relationship is not goodand the wife's hurting and having sex
is going to feel, like wives or,like you're, not being treated with love.
I'm going to do a videojust on that after thinking about this.
Then you you can't have.
(03:42):
If the wife controlled the husband's body,then he would be doing things
loving to her, and that would be.
So it's got to go both ways.
Not just one way,because that's what Scripture says.
So, but you've got to be very careful,because pastors
that are only counseling youfrom pastoral counseling, teaching,
and most of the seminariesdo not teach them about any
(04:08):
dynamics.
They don't know how to recognize abuse.
They will commonly say things like, well,if there's physical abuse,
you can separatejust just making emotional
and verbal abuse like of no consequencethat it's okay when it's not.
It's just as destructiveand often even more crazy
(04:29):
making to have that in a relationship.
So, and then there's differentdenominations
that will, cover up anythingthat's going on.
There's been some I'm not going to namenames of different churches that have,
just been willing to tell wivesto cover up any type of abuse in the home.
So you've got to be very careful
(04:52):
that you are discerning
as to what your church is able to do.
If they have a marriage mentoring ministry
or a Stevens ministry,those are all or a lay counseling.
Those are all wonderful, butyou should wonder what their training is.
Do they get trainingin dysfunctional dynamics?
(05:14):
Do they or is your church a,
very rigid biblical counseling,only counsel from the Bible?
Then you're going to get some advicethat is going to probably be, harmful
and hurtfuland not discerning and understanding
of mental illness,addiction and dysfunction and abuse.
(05:36):
So you don't want to have hurt
upon hurt and even more damage done.
And if you are going to a church
where you have likehave a, you're required
to take your problems tothe elders, that is a another
(05:57):
concerning thing.
Whereas if your elders,I've seen it really go
to a negative directionwhere the wife is called before the
or the husband before the elder boardfor being wanting
to separate from a spousewhen there is a need to separate
because of, toxic thingsthat are going on in the marriage
(06:17):
and they've decided whether or notthat's okay.
And, turned against the spouse.
I know people who refuse to go backto church ever, because they've been told
that they, did not have groundsto separate or divorced when they did.
And the churchkind of turned against them. So
use wisdom.
(06:38):
And if you go to,
anyone in your church,just do a little background check, do
a little figure out, what,what is their knowledge and be willing
and ready yourself to recognizewhen it's not healthy and to not.
(06:58):
Put yourself under bondage to have to go
along with it, to be able to say,no, I don't think that's healthy.
They don't get it. They don't understand.
I'm not going to put myself under anylike, what stewardship or what is it?
Like I'm not going to put my self
under a shepherd, so to speak,that does not understand
my needs and is going to do harm to meor to my children or to my marriage.
(07:24):
So you if you do go,you have to be wise enough to,
just ignore counselthat is harmful and hurtful.
So and don't let them judge you for that.
You've got to take care of yourself.
You've got to follow the Lord.
You've got to follow your conscience,and you have to do what is right for you.
So again, use wisdom
(07:46):
and they should not be controlling youwith this.
They should not be demanding.
They should not be judging you,
condemning you,or bringing you in front of the church
because you are making decisions in arelationship that they don't understand.
And another one of these rigid areasis the whole idea
with divorcing,which scholars disagree on.
(08:06):
What is the,reason, biblical reasons to divorce?
And, I'm not a scholar.
But there are lots of good books out therethat you can read.
One of them is called the LifeSaving Divorce by Gretchen Baskerville.
So, if you are needing to understandsome of the scriptures regarding that.
(08:27):
So anyway, if you have questionsabout this, feel free to write me.
And, I hope this is giving you somethingto think about.
When you go to your churchor before you go to your church,
for advice and, how to keep yourself safeand protect yourself.
All right. God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
(08:49):
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
(09:11):
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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