June 5, 2025 • 13 mins
There is a predictable pattern that victims go through when trying to figure out what is going on in abusive relationships. Anyone experiencing emotional abuse, verbal abuse or any other type of abuse knows how it feels to be on the hamster wheel of invalidation, second guessing, confusion, and gaslighting. Then something else happens. The victim gets clarity and starts to get strong. Then the abuser pulls out a new card which intensifies the abuse cycle. Watch this video to find out what this crazy cycle is so you can recognize it and end it once and for all. #abusiverelationships #gaslighting #verbalabuse #emotionalabuse #invalidation
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
I want to talk to you
about the crazy cycle of abuse.
So abuse happens or increases
when the tension builds within the abuser,whatever it is that causes the abuse
or stress, or to feel uncomfortablein the relationship,
or to feel uncomfortablein their own life,
(00:41):
or to feel challenged in the relationshipor insecure to where they think
that they have to kind of run upyou and push you back down.
And they do this in many different ways.
So and that's notthe subject of this video.
So if you want to look at more of that,you can look on my channel
(01:01):
and find other videos on abusein the abuse playlist.
So the tension escalates within the abuserand then the abuse happens.
And what happens to you
when the abuse happensis you're thrown off guard
and you are basically, it feels like therug is pulled out from under your feet.
(01:26):
It could be that you kind of were lulledinto a place of complacency,
thinking maybe not that it's over,but maybe it's getting better.
And then all of a sudden, wham,the abuse comes back.
Whether that's a verbal abuse, emotionalabuse, financial abuse, physical abuse.
So the abuse happens.
(01:47):
You have the rug pulled outfrom under your feet.
You're shocked
because itand it actually is shock that you feel.
And when you go into shock,you go into that state
where you're thinkingwhere you are like, is this happening?
Is is this what I think it is?
I can't believe it's happening.
You go into a little bit of denial.
(02:07):
You pull back and think,no, this is is this.
I guess this is abuse again.
It doesn't feel good.
So you kind of grapple with thatfor a while and then the abuse can stay.
And it can escalate, especiallyif it's verbal or emotional abuse.
Maybe it is a period of abusethat's going to start
where the abuser is in a bad place,and the abuser is back
(02:31):
into that mindset of thinking negativelyabout you and feeling bad about you,
and feeling that strugglewithin themselves about who you are.
And so the abuse could continuefor a while, so you may just be
in that state of being shockedand surprised that it's back.
(02:52):
You are wondering,you know, my gosh, here it is.
What am I going to do?
Or maybe I did something to cause it.
So you start questioning yourself,what did I do?
Because maybe it wasn't that bad beforeand now it's bad again.
So you will go back through thatstate of trying to figure out
what can I do to help this?
What can I do to make it better?
(03:12):
What did I do to cause it?
Is it kind of questioning?
Is this going to be really bad,or is this going to end
kind of all through the thing
again, where you're questioning,do I have to leave this relationship?
Did I maybe, just
mistakenly think that it was over?
You feel
(03:33):
kind of like, sad.
You go through the grief processwhere you're feeling sad
and you're struggling within yourself,and you're feeling like,
it feels like that betrayal again.
So you go through all that.
That could take quite a while.As the abuse is escalating.
It could take itliterally, could take a week.
It could take a month.It could take a year.
(03:55):
It could take multiple years for youto work through this and get to the place
where you're back to where it's like,I'm not going to tolerate the abuse.
I'm not going to put up with this.
I don't have to.
And then all of a sudden,you're starting to get strong.
You're building your self-esteem.
You are pulling away from the abuser.
(04:17):
You are maybe making getting back
into counseling, or maybe even thinkingabout getting a divorce, or separating
and putting up a boundarythat you're not going to tolerate it.
And then when the abuser senses this,
the abuser at first May kind of,hit you harder with abuse,
try to try to knock you offof your stronger boundary and you're
(04:41):
distancing, trying to get you to secondguess yourself.
But you're if you're strong, you'rethat's not going to work
and your boundaryis only going to be reinforced.
That or your recognition
that you have to have a boundaryand that you have to separate or leave.
And then at some point, the abuser
is likely to say, okay,
(05:02):
maybe,maybe I have to back off a little bit.
And most of the timethe abuser does not want to lose you.
And when the abuser sensesthat you are getting strong
and you are going to leave
now in physical abuse, I have to warn you,physical abuse batterers
if you're going to try to leavea batterer, you cannot tell that batterer
(05:24):
you cannot do thatand you have to do it in a very safe way
where you get outside support,you have a plan, and often
you have to leavewhen that person is not there, or have
the police come while you are leavingand have a safe place to go to,
which is often a shelter, domesticviolence shelter.
So please, if you're planning to leavesomebody who is a physical abuser
(05:48):
and they the person like, threatensyou with harm.
If you're going to leave,please do not do this on your own.
Seek help from a licensed counselorknowledgeable in abuse
or from a domestic violence center,and know
that you can always call 911 to get help
when you feel physically threatened,
(06:10):
even if that person hasn'tactually hit you.
But to safely leave the house or to,
get something that you needout of the house in order to leave.
but if you'reif you're in an abusive situation
where there isn't physical violenceand the abuser realizes, hey,
person's getting stronger,I might actually lose them,
(06:32):
there may be a period
of admitting, okay, I'll change.
I'll do better.
I'll do whatever you want, I will.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah.I don't treat you right often.
That's called the honeymoon stage,where the person might love bomb
you and bring you gifts and make you feellike it's, going to be fine.
(06:54):
But an interesting thing happensat this point in the crazy cycle of abuse,
the abuse victim who had to workthat hard to get strong,
to get to the placewhere they said no, to abuse
and to maintain that standwhen the abuser switches and gets nicer
(07:18):
and stops doing the abuse,
the victim questionsthemselves and questions.
Maybe I overreacted.
Maybe it's not that bad.
Maybe I made it worse than it was.
Instead of feeling like vindicatedand this is good,
(07:40):
you will question yourself
and think that you were too strong.
This is because of thatjust pervasive self-doubt doubt
that is so strong in an abuse victimthat an abused victim has trouble
trusting their own feelings, emotions,
their own thoughts, their own perceptions.
(08:02):
And the abuser knows this.
The abuser is skilled in this verbaland especially emotional abuse.
The purpose of emotional abuseis to throw you off.
Balance is to make you question yourself.
So often the abuser in this stateof coming back into the
like non abusive state,or the less abuse or love
(08:26):
bombing is to throw youoff, is to make you doubt your stance
of setting that boundary,and to make you question
whether or not the abuse was abuseor was really that bad, or
at least to believethat the abuser can change.
Now, I'm not going to say that some
people
that are abusive can't changebecause they can.
(08:48):
Usually it takes a lot of workfor a lengthy time period
with a therapist that understands abuse,
and it takes the victim holdingvery firm boundaries of no tolerance.
But often times, this reaction
by the abuser to your boundaryis purposefully manipulative.
(09:11):
To get you to question yourselfso you back down.
So when you back down and you questionyourself, the abuser knows
that you're questioning yourselfand doubting yourself,
and then the tension will build again.
As you drop your boundary,the tension will build,
the abuse will happen againand the whole cycle starts all over again.
(09:34):
So the crazy cycle of abuse is that
the victim goes through
self-doubt of doubting their ownperceptions, their own thoughts,
their own feelings, their own painover the abuse and their own boundaries
and will wonder whether or not
(09:57):
even their boundary was reasonable.
Even getting to that point,even though it takes sometimes,
like I said,it can take years to get to that boundary.
It might only take a very shorttime of the abuser
starting to be nice and love bombyou to make you think
that you were crazy,to even set that boundary.
(10:20):
And then the crazy cycle is alsothat you're doubting yourself
as the abuse is happening and wondering,is it you or is it?
Is it really abuse? Did you cause it?
Is there somethingthat you could do to prevent it?
If only and maybe you're making a big deal
and then as the abuser is telling youall through that abuse, it's not abuse.
(10:40):
You're sensitive, you're overboard.
You're never happy.It's never good enough for you.
You will be doubting yourself too.
But that crazy cycle continues
even through that timeof setting a boundary.
When you allow the abuserto kind of get in there
and make you questionwhether or not it was really that bad.
(11:03):
After the abuser pretends to be
nice and love bombs you.
So you really got to be carefulwhen you are setting boundaries
with an abuserthat you hold firmly to the knowledge
of the fact that the abuse was real,the abuse was that bad.
(11:23):
The abuse cannot continue,and that the abuser is 100% responsible
for the abuse, and the abuser has
to change and has to get help to change.
So I hope that this gives youa little bit of insight into
why it's one so hard to set boundariesin an abusive relationship,
(11:43):
and whyit is hard to maintain those boundaries.
And I need to say at the end of thisthat you don't have to tolerate abuse,
any kind of abuse in any relationship
for any length of time.
You have a right to be in a relationshipthat is not abusive,
that is respectful, that validatesand rather than discounts you.
(12:08):
So I hope that this helps youto get an understanding about yourself
so that you can figure out how to get off
of that crazy cyclein an abusive relationship.
God bless you.
I have a playlist of, videos on abuse
if you'd like to go in and see more,and you always can write me
(12:30):
and ask me a question,and I promise you I will email you back.
Thank you.
Thank youfor listening to Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(12:50):
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
I want to talk to you
about the crazy cycle of abuse.
So abuse happens or increases
when the tension builds within the abuser,whatever it is that causes the abuse
or stress, or to feel uncomfortablein the relationship,
or to feel uncomfortablein their own life,
(00:41):
or to feel challenged in the relationshipor insecure to where they think
that they have to kind of run upyou and push you back down.
And they do this in many different ways.
So and that's notthe subject of this video.
So if you want to look at more of that,you can look on my channel
(01:01):
and find other videos on abusein the abuse playlist.
So the tension escalates within the abuserand then the abuse happens.
And what happens to you
when the abuse happensis you're thrown off guard
and you are basically, it feels like therug is pulled out from under your feet.
(01:26):
It could be that you kind of were lulledinto a place of complacency,
thinking maybe not that it's over,but maybe it's getting better.
And then all of a sudden, wham,the abuse comes back.
Whether that's a verbal abuse, emotionalabuse, financial abuse, physical abuse.
So the abuse happens.
(01:47):
You have the rug pulled outfrom under your feet.
You're shocked
because itand it actually is shock that you feel.
And when you go into shock,you go into that state
where you're thinkingwhere you are like, is this happening?
Is is this what I think it is?
I can't believe it's happening.
You go into a little bit of denial.
(02:07):
You pull back and think,no, this is is this.
I guess this is abuse again.
It doesn't feel good.
So you kind of grapple with thatfor a while and then the abuse can stay.
And it can escalate, especiallyif it's verbal or emotional abuse.
Maybe it is a period of abusethat's going to start
where the abuser is in a bad place,and the abuser is back
(02:31):
into that mindset of thinking negativelyabout you and feeling bad about you,
and feeling that strugglewithin themselves about who you are.
And so the abuse could continuefor a while, so you may just be
in that state of being shockedand surprised that it's back.
(02:52):
You are wondering,you know, my gosh, here it is.
What am I going to do?
Or maybe I did something to cause it.
So you start questioning yourself,what did I do?
Because maybe it wasn't that bad beforeand now it's bad again.
So you will go back through thatstate of trying to figure out
what can I do to help this?
What can I do to make it better?
(03:12):
What did I do to cause it?
Is it kind of questioning?
Is this going to be really bad,or is this going to end
kind of all through the thing
again, where you're questioning,do I have to leave this relationship?
Did I maybe, just
mistakenly think that it was over?
You feel
(03:33):
kind of like, sad.
You go through the grief processwhere you're feeling sad
and you're struggling within yourself,and you're feeling like,
it feels like that betrayal again.
So you go through all that.
That could take quite a while.As the abuse is escalating.
It could take itliterally, could take a week.
It could take a month.It could take a year.
(03:55):
It could take multiple years for youto work through this and get to the place
where you're back to where it's like,I'm not going to tolerate the abuse.
I'm not going to put up with this.
I don't have to.
And then all of a sudden,you're starting to get strong.
You're building your self-esteem.
You are pulling away from the abuser.
(04:17):
You are maybe making getting back
into counseling, or maybe even thinkingabout getting a divorce, or separating
and putting up a boundarythat you're not going to tolerate it.
And then when the abuser senses this,
the abuser at first May kind of,hit you harder with abuse,
try to try to knock you offof your stronger boundary and you're
(04:41):
distancing, trying to get you to secondguess yourself.
But you're if you're strong, you'rethat's not going to work
and your boundaryis only going to be reinforced.
That or your recognition
that you have to have a boundaryand that you have to separate or leave.
And then at some point, the abuser
is likely to say, okay,
(05:02):
maybe,maybe I have to back off a little bit.
And most of the timethe abuser does not want to lose you.
And when the abuser sensesthat you are getting strong
and you are going to leave
now in physical abuse, I have to warn you,physical abuse batterers
if you're going to try to leavea batterer, you cannot tell that batterer
(05:24):
you cannot do thatand you have to do it in a very safe way
where you get outside support,you have a plan, and often
you have to leavewhen that person is not there, or have
the police come while you are leavingand have a safe place to go to,
which is often a shelter, domesticviolence shelter.
So please, if you're planning to leavesomebody who is a physical abuser
(05:48):
and they the person like, threatensyou with harm.
If you're going to leave,please do not do this on your own.
Seek help from a licensed counselorknowledgeable in abuse
or from a domestic violence center,and know
that you can always call 911 to get help
when you feel physically threatened,
(06:10):
even if that person hasn'tactually hit you.
But to safely leave the house or to,
get something that you needout of the house in order to leave.
but if you'reif you're in an abusive situation
where there isn't physical violenceand the abuser realizes, hey,
person's getting stronger,I might actually lose them,
(06:32):
there may be a period
of admitting, okay, I'll change.
I'll do better.
I'll do whatever you want, I will.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, yeah.I don't treat you right often.
That's called the honeymoon stage,where the person might love bomb
you and bring you gifts and make you feellike it's, going to be fine.
(06:54):
But an interesting thing happensat this point in the crazy cycle of abuse,
the abuse victim who had to workthat hard to get strong,
to get to the placewhere they said no, to abuse
and to maintain that standwhen the abuser switches and gets nicer
(07:18):
and stops doing the abuse,
the victim questionsthemselves and questions.
Maybe I overreacted.
Maybe it's not that bad.
Maybe I made it worse than it was.
Instead of feeling like vindicatedand this is good,
(07:40):
you will question yourself
and think that you were too strong.
This is because of thatjust pervasive self-doubt doubt
that is so strong in an abuse victimthat an abused victim has trouble
trusting their own feelings, emotions,
their own thoughts, their own perceptions.
(08:02):
And the abuser knows this.
The abuser is skilled in this verbaland especially emotional abuse.
The purpose of emotional abuseis to throw you off.
Balance is to make you question yourself.
So often the abuser in this stateof coming back into the
like non abusive state,or the less abuse or love
(08:26):
bombing is to throw youoff, is to make you doubt your stance
of setting that boundary,and to make you question
whether or not the abuse was abuseor was really that bad, or
at least to believethat the abuser can change.
Now, I'm not going to say that some
people
that are abusive can't changebecause they can.
(08:48):
Usually it takes a lot of workfor a lengthy time period
with a therapist that understands abuse,
and it takes the victim holdingvery firm boundaries of no tolerance.
But often times, this reaction
by the abuser to your boundaryis purposefully manipulative.
(09:11):
To get you to question yourselfso you back down.
So when you back down and you questionyourself, the abuser knows
that you're questioning yourselfand doubting yourself,
and then the tension will build again.
As you drop your boundary,the tension will build,
the abuse will happen againand the whole cycle starts all over again.
(09:34):
So the crazy cycle of abuse is that
the victim goes through
self-doubt of doubting their ownperceptions, their own thoughts,
their own feelings, their own painover the abuse and their own boundaries
and will wonder whether or not
(09:57):
even their boundary was reasonable.
Even getting to that point,even though it takes sometimes,
like I said,it can take years to get to that boundary.
It might only take a very shorttime of the abuser
starting to be nice and love bombyou to make you think
that you were crazy,to even set that boundary.
(10:20):
And then the crazy cycle is alsothat you're doubting yourself
as the abuse is happening and wondering,is it you or is it?
Is it really abuse? Did you cause it?
Is there somethingthat you could do to prevent it?
If only and maybe you're making a big deal
and then as the abuser is telling youall through that abuse, it's not abuse.
(10:40):
You're sensitive, you're overboard.
You're never happy.It's never good enough for you.
You will be doubting yourself too.
But that crazy cycle continues
even through that timeof setting a boundary.
When you allow the abuserto kind of get in there
and make you questionwhether or not it was really that bad.
(11:03):
After the abuser pretends to be
nice and love bombs you.
So you really got to be carefulwhen you are setting boundaries
with an abuserthat you hold firmly to the knowledge
of the fact that the abuse was real,the abuse was that bad.
(11:23):
The abuse cannot continue,and that the abuser is 100% responsible
for the abuse, and the abuser has
to change and has to get help to change.
So I hope that this gives youa little bit of insight into
why it's one so hard to set boundariesin an abusive relationship,
(11:43):
and whyit is hard to maintain those boundaries.
And I need to say at the end of thisthat you don't have to tolerate abuse,
any kind of abuse in any relationship
for any length of time.
You have a right to be in a relationshipthat is not abusive,
that is respectful, that validatesand rather than discounts you.
(12:08):
So I hope that this helps youto get an understanding about yourself
so that you can figure out how to get off
of that crazy cyclein an abusive relationship.
God bless you.
I have a playlist of, videos on abuse
if you'd like to go in and see more,and you always can write me
(12:30):
and ask me a question,and I promise you I will email you back.
Thank you.
Thank youfor listening to Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(12:50):
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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