November 13, 2025 • 8 mins
The last straw in the relationship is the thing that appears to cause it to end. It leaves people questioning themselves and rehearsing things over and over to figure out how it could have gone differently. The truth is that it isn't really the cause. It is usually something else. Find out what it is. #finalstraw #dysfunctionalrelationship
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you
about the last straw in a relationship.
Oftentimes something will happen
and it will be the catalyst
for a breakdown in the relationship.
It could be the thingthat makes the other person or you say,
I want a divorce, or we need to separate
(00:42):
or we need to break up,or I need time apart from you.
If it's a parent or a child or,sibling or a friend,
or I'm going to move.
I can't be around you all the time, or I'monly going to see you once in a while,
or I need to completely cut this off,whatever it is.
(01:02):
It caused a major problem.
This thing happened, and it just kind ofsnowballed into something really big,
because we cannot control the other person
and make the other personlook at their part in this dynamic.
That ended up being the last strawfor one or both people.
(01:25):
We often look at ourselves and we say,oh my gosh, why did I say that?
Why did I do that?
If only I hadn't said or done blank
and we replay it, we go back,we look at it,
we try to figure out what led up to that,and then we start beating ourselves up.
We start regretting.
(01:46):
We start wishing that we didn't say whatwe said, and we didn't do what we did,
and that we can roll the tape backand start over and do something different,
because we don't want thisto be the last straw.
And we will analyze it and analyze itand analyze it and have so many regrets.
But what we have to realize,if anything in a relationship
(02:10):
causes you to get to the pointwhere this is the last straw.
That means thata whole bunch of stuff came before this.
This is not the thing that blew up.
This is not the thingthat caused the crisis.
This is only one of many.
There have been problems.There have been disagreements.
(02:30):
There have been unresolved things.
There have been unacceptable behaviorsto this point.
There have been resentments.
There have been blame.
There have been overreactions.
There have been issues.
There have been all kinds of thingsthat have just built and built
and built and built and built,or it would not have gotten to this point.
(02:51):
You don't have the last straw withouthaving a bunch of stuff come prior to it.
So recognize that you can't blame yourselfand beat you up yourself up
for participating in the situationthat caused it to be the last straw.
When a whole bunch of other stuffcame before this.
(03:13):
And maybe this is a good thing.
we don't like this to happenbecause it's always a little scary.
It's new territory.
It's uncomfortable.
We can't control it.
We can't force it to resolve right away.
It may cause a temporary separation.
It may cause us to have to both partiesin the relationship sit back and think.
(03:34):
What do we want?
It may cause you to set a boundaryin a way
that you have not been willingto prior to this.
It may cause both of youto take some time out
and think, and maybego to therapy separately, or together.
It may cause there to bea rebalancing of power
in the relationship,maybe a shift that needed to happen,
(03:57):
maybe some really hard talks need to occurand you've both been putting it off.
Maybe some kind ofjust like really sit down
and let's look at thisand let's see what's going on
and let's both get really honestand speak our truth.
So there are all kinds of thingsthat could come out of this
(04:18):
that are good, but it's uncomfortable.
It's scary.
It is unfamiliar.
You don't want to be there.
You never want to be there.
But one of the things that we dowhen we get into that place
where it's the last straw, iswe get scared, we get panicky,
and we think with urgency that we have toforce a resolution right then and there.
(04:40):
We got to make this argumentcome to a close.
We've got to resolve it.
We've got to figure out what happened.
You're going to try to apologize.
You're going to make the other personknow that you didn't mean it.
And the way that you said it,and you're going to panic and try to
maybe you're going to beg that personnot to leave or beg that person
to stay in relationshipor shame that person for saying
(05:03):
that that person was,wanted a separation or whatever that is.
But what you need to realize is sometimes
these are really good
things that happen in relationshipsbecause they cause people
to rethink and resetand come back to the table
with maybe new awarenesses,
(05:26):
maybe new willingness to speak truth,
maybe new willingnessto look at boundaries, to set boundaries,
to adjust boundaries, to look at
what has to be done to maybe valuethe relationship.
And both people to saythis isn't been good for a while.
We need to figure this outif we want this to keep working so
(05:48):
it can be a good place.
Although it is a scary place, the best thi
Let it go.
Pray about it. Think about it.
Ask God to show you what direction
you need to go, what you need to do,what you need to say.
Let the other person have some spaceto work it out, to think it through.
(06:10):
To maybehave their own thought process about this.
And I know it's hard when the other personis angry and stubborn and resistant
and isn't willing to talk to you about it,but that's
the person that you're in relationshipwith.
That's the person that is the otherhalf of the relationship.
That person has to figure it out too.
(06:30):
That person has to cometo a place of being comfortable
or not being comfortable,making their own choices and deciding
if they're a willing participantin the relationship
and what they're goingto bring to the table
and what they're willing to change,if anything.
And you can't forcesomebody to be in a relationship with you,
and you can't force somebodyto continue in the relationship.
(06:53):
If that person isn't willing.
So allow this to be
an opportunity as scary as it is.
So James 1:19-20 says, my dearbrothers and sisters, take note of this.
Everyone should be quick to listen, slowto speak, and slow to become angry
(07:13):
because human anger does not producethe righteousness that God desires.
Yeah, so we want to be slowto speak, slow to anger,
but when it does blow up,we can pull back and we can do it again.
We can slow down.
Be quick to listen, okay?
We can be slow to speak.
And we can be slow to angerand give this some time.
(07:37):
Okay.
So thank you for watching this video.
I hope that this has given youa different perspective
and that you maybe can apply thisif you're
going through something right nowwhere you feel like it is the last straw,
and you've got to get some insightto make some decisions.
So I hope you'll check my website out,ChangeMyRelationship.com for my books,
(08:00):
my studies, my classes,and also watch more of my YouTube videos
because they're all about difficultrelationships.
So all right.
Thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
(08:20):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
(08:43):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you
about the last straw in a relationship.
Oftentimes something will happen
and it will be the catalyst
for a breakdown in the relationship.
It could be the thingthat makes the other person or you say,
I want a divorce, or we need to separate
(00:42):
or we need to break up,or I need time apart from you.
If it's a parent or a child or,sibling or a friend,
or I'm going to move.
I can't be around you all the time, or I'monly going to see you once in a while,
or I need to completely cut this off,whatever it is.
(01:02):
It caused a major problem.
This thing happened, and it just kind ofsnowballed into something really big,
because we cannot control the other person
and make the other personlook at their part in this dynamic.
That ended up being the last strawfor one or both people.
(01:25):
We often look at ourselves and we say,oh my gosh, why did I say that?
Why did I do that?
If only I hadn't said or done blank
and we replay it, we go back,we look at it,
we try to figure out what led up to that,and then we start beating ourselves up.
We start regretting.
(01:46):
We start wishing that we didn't say whatwe said, and we didn't do what we did,
and that we can roll the tape backand start over and do something different,
because we don't want thisto be the last straw.
And we will analyze it and analyze itand analyze it and have so many regrets.
But what we have to realize,if anything in a relationship
(02:10):
causes you to get to the pointwhere this is the last straw.
That means thata whole bunch of stuff came before this.
This is not the thing that blew up.
This is not the thingthat caused the crisis.
This is only one of many.
There have been problems.There have been disagreements.
(02:30):
There have been unresolved things.
There have been unacceptable behaviorsto this point.
There have been resentments.
There have been blame.
There have been overreactions.
There have been issues.
There have been all kinds of thingsthat have just built and built
and built and built and built,or it would not have gotten to this point.
(02:51):
You don't have the last straw withouthaving a bunch of stuff come prior to it.
So recognize that you can't blame yourselfand beat you up yourself up
for participating in the situationthat caused it to be the last straw.
When a whole bunch of other stuffcame before this.
(03:13):
And maybe this is a good thing.
we don't like this to happenbecause it's always a little scary.
It's new territory.
It's uncomfortable.
We can't control it.
We can't force it to resolve right away.
It may cause a temporary separation.
It may cause us to have to both partiesin the relationship sit back and think.
(03:34):
What do we want?
It may cause you to set a boundaryin a way
that you have not been willingto prior to this.
It may cause both of youto take some time out
and think, and maybego to therapy separately, or together.
It may cause there to bea rebalancing of power
in the relationship,maybe a shift that needed to happen,
(03:57):
maybe some really hard talks need to occurand you've both been putting it off.
Maybe some kind ofjust like really sit down
and let's look at thisand let's see what's going on
and let's both get really honestand speak our truth.
So there are all kinds of thingsthat could come out of this
(04:18):
that are good, but it's uncomfortable.
It's scary.
It is unfamiliar.
You don't want to be there.
You never want to be there.
But one of the things that we dowhen we get into that place
where it's the last straw, iswe get scared, we get panicky,
and we think with urgency that we have toforce a resolution right then and there.
(04:40):
We got to make this argumentcome to a close.
We've got to resolve it.
We've got to figure out what happened.
You're going to try to apologize.
You're going to make the other personknow that you didn't mean it.
And the way that you said it,and you're going to panic and try to
maybe you're going to beg that personnot to leave or beg that person
to stay in relationshipor shame that person for saying
(05:03):
that that person was,wanted a separation or whatever that is.
But what you need to realize is sometimes
these are really good
things that happen in relationshipsbecause they cause people
to rethink and resetand come back to the table
with maybe new awarenesses,
(05:26):
maybe new willingness to speak truth,
maybe new willingnessto look at boundaries, to set boundaries,
to adjust boundaries, to look at
what has to be done to maybe valuethe relationship.
And both people to saythis isn't been good for a while.
We need to figure this outif we want this to keep working so
(05:48):
it can be a good place.
Although it is a scary place, the best thi
Let it go.
Pray about it. Think about it.
Ask God to show you what direction
you need to go, what you need to do,what you need to say.
Let the other person have some spaceto work it out, to think it through.
(06:10):
To maybehave their own thought process about this.
And I know it's hard when the other personis angry and stubborn and resistant
and isn't willing to talk to you about it,but that's
the person that you're in relationshipwith.
That's the person that is the otherhalf of the relationship.
That person has to figure it out too.
(06:30):
That person has to cometo a place of being comfortable
or not being comfortable,making their own choices and deciding
if they're a willing participantin the relationship
and what they're goingto bring to the table
and what they're willing to change,if anything.
And you can't forcesomebody to be in a relationship with you,
and you can't force somebodyto continue in the relationship.
(06:53):
If that person isn't willing.
So allow this to be
an opportunity as scary as it is.
So James 1:19-20 says, my dearbrothers and sisters, take note of this.
Everyone should be quick to listen, slowto speak, and slow to become angry
(07:13):
because human anger does not producethe righteousness that God desires.
Yeah, so we want to be slowto speak, slow to anger,
but when it does blow up,we can pull back and we can do it again.
We can slow down.
Be quick to listen, okay?
We can be slow to speak.
And we can be slow to angerand give this some time.
(07:37):
Okay.
So thank you for watching this video.
I hope that this has given youa different perspective
and that you maybe can apply thisif you're
going through something right nowwhere you feel like it is the last straw,
and you've got to get some insightto make some decisions.
So I hope you'll check my website out,ChangeMyRelationship.com for my books,
(08:00):
my studies, my classes,and also watch more of my YouTube videos
because they're all about difficultrelationships.
So all right.
Thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
(08:20):
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
(08:43):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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