December 11, 2025 • 9 mins
Toxic relationships are full of complex dynamics, unresolved problems, and painful feelings. We react to all those things by trying to fix, control, and change people. Even when it doesn't make sense to hang on, we do. We don't realize that the only choice we have is to let go or be dragged.
Whether it is love, guilt, trauma bonding, codependency, or fear, we keep trying to make things right even when it hurts us. We need reminders, assurance and a guide in toxic relationships to make a decision on whether to let go or be dragged. #toxicrelationships #letgo
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
this is kind of like a fun shorter video.
(00:21):
And it's titled Let Go or Be Dragged.
I've got a magnet on my file cabinetthat says let go or be dragged.
It is a very good reminder.
And, one of the women in one ofmy classes, described it this way.
She said this was her visual picture,and it helped me
(00:43):
get a better pictureof what this looks like to her.
She said it's being dragged behind a horsethrough the dirt
while holding on to the ropeand refusing to let go.
All the while, the horse is dragging youaround and around
wherever the horse wants to go,and it's like you're stuck.
(01:05):
You're going where that horse is going.
That horse we know has a willthat is strong, and it fits and control.
You have no power,especially when you're on the ground
behind the horse, hanging onto the ropeor beside the horse.
So let go or be dragged.
So how does that look in our relationship?
(01:28):
Well,
it's something we
continually need to be reminded ofnot only
in our dysfunctional relationships,but our even in our normal life,
because all of us have a willthat wants our way.
A lot of usknow that or think that we're right.
And, in the big Book of AlcoholicsAnonymous, it talks about,
(01:50):
every like having, your lifethat you have these ideas of where
everyone should stand on a stage,like they're acting in a play,
and you're the director,
and you're going to tell them where to goand what to do and what to say.
And, that's kind of how, like,we have to let go of that control
and accept that we can't controlother people, which is kind of
(02:12):
what the reminder is here that we'repowerless over people, places and things.
We don't like it.
It's, and often when we don't get our way,we just try harder to get our way,
which makes things even worse.There is a backlash.
A lot of people
don't like being told what to do,and they don't want to be controlled.
And they do have a rightto make choices for themselves.
(02:34):
God gave them that right.
Even our childrenare going to make their own choices.
They make their own choices.
When they're little,we end up disciplining them or giving them
consequences for that, butthey're still making their own choices.
So we can love people,but we can't control them.
We can influence themby setting our boundaries
(02:54):
and by being a really good example.
But we can't, make them accept our help.
We can't make them hear our ideas.
We can't make them chooselike we want them to choose.
If we could, we could protect them.
We think we could help them.
We could give them a better outcome.
But we don't have the right or the controlthat would allow that to do that.
(03:17):
So, when we're being dragged around,tethered to other people,
when we're tryingto convince them to change,
it's like we're getting pulled behind themand they're going everywhere.
They want to go anywhere.
I think you can thinkof your difficult marriage.
If you're in a difficult marriagewhere your spouse, you're not letting go
(03:39):
and you're hanging on towhat that spouse is doing and your spouse,
husband and wife
walking
around doing whatever it isthat they want to do and are going to do.
And you're behind them going,no, no, don't go, don't go.
And you're just getting drunk behind them.
They're dragging you through the dirt.
They're, you're you're stressed,you're anxious, you're obsessed.
(04:00):
You're not living your own life.You're not taking care of yourself.
You're nagging.
You're doing things, sayingthings that you don't want to do.
Often in Al-Anon, it talks about howwe look like the crazy ones
because we're the onesthat are freaking out and getting angry
and trying to control people and arguingand trying to convince them.
And we're the ones that that that I knowfor me, I'll be vulnerable here.
(04:25):
My neighbors heard me yelling a lot,
and I, I think to them I sounded like
I was the crazy one, like I was the onecausing all the problems.
I was reacting towhat was going on, but I sounded like
I was the one that was completely nuts.
So hereis, while we're neglecting ourselves,
(04:48):
getting drug around by other people,trying to change them, and our lives
are falling apart, other peopleare just going about their business
so we can let go or be aware of the choiceto let go.
Let go.
Release the rope or be dragged
by hanging on to the rope, goingwherever it is that they're going.
And so we let go by recognizing one,
(05:11):
or I'm going to
use you because then you can put it,you can apply this to yourself.
Let go by recognizingthat you are being dragged.
And again, this is just symbolic, okay?
You're being dragged around behindsomebody else.
You're just going wherever they're goingbecause you're letting them be in control,
let gobecause you're tired of being dragged,
(05:33):
tired of doing the same thing.
Let go by accepting your powerlessness.
Powerless I love powerlessness.
That concept is just so clear to me.
Let go by focusing on your own life.
When you are powerlessand you admit powerless this over others,
(05:53):
even your children,your spouse, your parents,
your friends, your boss,
your siblings, grandparents,
your ex-spouse.
When you let go
and you admit your powerless,then you get the power
(06:14):
to live your own lifeby letting go of theirs.
Now your hands are free and you can say,
what can I do to live my own life?
They're living their own life,
their own lives.
You get to live.
You live your life which you've beenneglecting because you're focused on them,
(06:35):
and you're focused on getting themto do what you want them to do.
And it's not working. It never works.
So you're going to let goby focusing on your own life.
Where do you want to start?
What do you want to doto take care of yourself?
What do you want to dothat's good for you?
(06:55):
What are you doingthat's not good for you? Stop doing it.
Well, you're you're getting drug aroundby somebody else.
Let go!
Stop being dragged.
Get that picture of that horseor that difficult love.
One literally with a rope.
You've got a rope around their waist, likeyou're trying to lasso a horse, right?
(07:16):
And you've got that ropearound their waist
trying to control what they're doing,and they're just going on their merry
way, living their life, doingwhatever it is that they want to do.
And you're hanging on and bumpingin the dirt and getting kicked around
and hit, and your life is in the dustand you deserve to live your life. So
(07:41):
stop being dragged.
Be tired.
Recognize you're tired of that.
Now here's a couple scriptures.
Proverbs 13:3 those who guard their lipspreserve their lives,
but those who speakrashly will come to ruin.
When you feel compelled to explainand try to convince the other person
of your truth and it backfires,
(08:04):
absolutely backfires on you 100%.
I know because I've done itwith lots of difficult people.
Proverbs 16:25 says,there is a way that appears to be right,
but in the end it leads to death.
It looks right for you to hang on
to the other person,to get them to do what you think is right,
(08:26):
but in the end, it doesn't work
and it ends up leading to your death.
Hey, I know a lot of people are sick
who are sickfrom their dysfunctional relationships.
Hey, don't be one of them.
And if you are, start doing what it takesto take care of yourself.
God bless you.
(08:47):
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(09:07):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
this is kind of like a fun shorter video.
(00:21):
And it's titled Let Go or Be Dragged.
I've got a magnet on my file cabinetthat says let go or be dragged.
It is a very good reminder.
And, one of the women in one ofmy classes, described it this way.
She said this was her visual picture,and it helped me
(00:43):
get a better pictureof what this looks like to her.
She said it's being dragged behind a horsethrough the dirt
while holding on to the ropeand refusing to let go.
All the while, the horse is dragging youaround and around
wherever the horse wants to go,and it's like you're stuck.
(01:05):
You're going where that horse is going.
That horse we know has a willthat is strong, and it fits and control.
You have no power,especially when you're on the ground
behind the horse, hanging onto the ropeor beside the horse.
So let go or be dragged.
So how does that look in our relationship?
(01:28):
Well,
it's something we
continually need to be reminded ofnot only
in our dysfunctional relationships,but our even in our normal life,
because all of us have a willthat wants our way.
A lot of usknow that or think that we're right.
And, in the big Book of AlcoholicsAnonymous, it talks about,
(01:50):
every like having, your lifethat you have these ideas of where
everyone should stand on a stage,like they're acting in a play,
and you're the director,
and you're going to tell them where to goand what to do and what to say.
And, that's kind of how, like,we have to let go of that control
and accept that we can't controlother people, which is kind of
(02:12):
what the reminder is here that we'repowerless over people, places and things.
We don't like it.
It's, and often when we don't get our way,we just try harder to get our way,
which makes things even worse.There is a backlash.
A lot of people
don't like being told what to do,and they don't want to be controlled.
And they do have a rightto make choices for themselves.
(02:34):
God gave them that right.
Even our childrenare going to make their own choices.
They make their own choices.
When they're little,we end up disciplining them or giving them
consequences for that, butthey're still making their own choices.
So we can love people,but we can't control them.
We can influence themby setting our boundaries
(02:54):
and by being a really good example.
But we can't, make them accept our help.
We can't make them hear our ideas.
We can't make them chooselike we want them to choose.
If we could, we could protect them.
We think we could help them.
We could give them a better outcome.
But we don't have the right or the controlthat would allow that to do that.
(03:17):
So, when we're being dragged around,tethered to other people,
when we're tryingto convince them to change,
it's like we're getting pulled behind themand they're going everywhere.
They want to go anywhere.
I think you can thinkof your difficult marriage.
If you're in a difficult marriagewhere your spouse, you're not letting go
(03:39):
and you're hanging on towhat that spouse is doing and your spouse,
husband and wife
walking
around doing whatever it isthat they want to do and are going to do.
And you're behind them going,no, no, don't go, don't go.
And you're just getting drunk behind them.
They're dragging you through the dirt.
They're, you're you're stressed,you're anxious, you're obsessed.
(04:00):
You're not living your own life.You're not taking care of yourself.
You're nagging.
You're doing things, sayingthings that you don't want to do.
Often in Al-Anon, it talks about howwe look like the crazy ones
because we're the onesthat are freaking out and getting angry
and trying to control people and arguingand trying to convince them.
And we're the ones that that that I knowfor me, I'll be vulnerable here.
(04:25):
My neighbors heard me yelling a lot,
and I, I think to them I sounded like
I was the crazy one, like I was the onecausing all the problems.
I was reacting towhat was going on, but I sounded like
I was the one that was completely nuts.
So hereis, while we're neglecting ourselves,
(04:48):
getting drug around by other people,trying to change them, and our lives
are falling apart, other peopleare just going about their business
so we can let go or be aware of the choiceto let go.
Let go.
Release the rope or be dragged
by hanging on to the rope, goingwherever it is that they're going.
And so we let go by recognizing one,
(05:11):
or I'm going to
use you because then you can put it,you can apply this to yourself.
Let go by recognizingthat you are being dragged.
And again, this is just symbolic, okay?
You're being dragged around behindsomebody else.
You're just going wherever they're goingbecause you're letting them be in control,
let gobecause you're tired of being dragged,
(05:33):
tired of doing the same thing.
Let go by accepting your powerlessness.
Powerless I love powerlessness.
That concept is just so clear to me.
Let go by focusing on your own life.
When you are powerlessand you admit powerless this over others,
(05:53):
even your children,your spouse, your parents,
your friends, your boss,
your siblings, grandparents,
your ex-spouse.
When you let go
and you admit your powerless,then you get the power
(06:14):
to live your own lifeby letting go of theirs.
Now your hands are free and you can say,
what can I do to live my own life?
They're living their own life,
their own lives.
You get to live.
You live your life which you've beenneglecting because you're focused on them,
(06:35):
and you're focused on getting themto do what you want them to do.
And it's not working. It never works.
So you're going to let goby focusing on your own life.
Where do you want to start?
What do you want to doto take care of yourself?
What do you want to dothat's good for you?
(06:55):
What are you doingthat's not good for you? Stop doing it.
Well, you're you're getting drug aroundby somebody else.
Let go!
Stop being dragged.
Get that picture of that horseor that difficult love.
One literally with a rope.
You've got a rope around their waist, likeyou're trying to lasso a horse, right?
(07:16):
And you've got that ropearound their waist
trying to control what they're doing,and they're just going on their merry
way, living their life, doingwhatever it is that they want to do.
And you're hanging on and bumpingin the dirt and getting kicked around
and hit, and your life is in the dustand you deserve to live your life. So
(07:41):
stop being dragged.
Be tired.
Recognize you're tired of that.
Now here's a couple scriptures.
Proverbs 13:3 those who guard their lipspreserve their lives,
but those who speakrashly will come to ruin.
When you feel compelled to explainand try to convince the other person
of your truth and it backfires,
(08:04):
absolutely backfires on you 100%.
I know because I've done itwith lots of difficult people.
Proverbs 16:25 says,there is a way that appears to be right,
but in the end it leads to death.
It looks right for you to hang on
to the other person,to get them to do what you think is right,
(08:26):
but in the end, it doesn't work
and it ends up leading to your death.
Hey, I know a lot of people are sick
who are sickfrom their dysfunctional relationships.
Hey, don't be one of them.
And if you are, start doing what it takesto take care of yourself.
God bless you.
(08:47):
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
(09:07):
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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