Toxic Relationships: What Is DARVO?

Toxic relationships are dysfunctional relationships. Narcissistic and manipulative people don't want to hear your concerns. They won't take responsibility for their part in the problems. They use strategies to keep from being accountable, and one of those is the subject of this video. 

What is DARVO? Something people do to prevent you from being heard. Find out what it is so you can recognize when it is being used against you. You need to know so it doesn't work.  Watch the video to learn about DARVO.  #toxicrelationships   #dysfunctionalrelationship  #darvo  #manipulation #narcissist  

 

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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/vdtLglURN8Y

Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:27):
What does it mean to Davo?
So that is a helpful acronymthat you can use
when you are dealing with a dysfunctionalor difficult toxic person
who does not want to hearwhat you have to say.
You don't want to understand it.
They don't want to deal with it,and they don't want to answer you.
So instead, they're going to davo you.

(00:49):
What does that mean? The first is D.
They're going to defendagainst what you saying.
They are going to bring up excuses.
They're going to argue with the facts.
They're going to knit picket.
They're going to divert the conversationonto other things.
And your temptationwhen this happens is going to be

(01:11):
you are going to try harder to get them tolisten or you're going to be diverted.
You're going to go off on the rabbittrail.
You're going to answerall of the questions
that they bring up, or the accusations,or the nitpicky facts.
You're going to actually go offon these little rabbit
trails with themand not stay focused on the issue.

(01:31):
No, we're not talking about that now.
We're talking about this.
This is what my issue was.
We can talk about that later.
This is what I am asking to talk about.
So defend means
to bring up all kinds of thingsand divert you off topic.
The next one is to attack.
Now they're going to go on the offensiveand they're going to literally attack you.

(01:55):
They're going to accuse youof being nitpicky, mean, critical,
unhappy, sensitive,
overreactive, whatever it is.
They're going to use things to attack you
and to get you againto start defending yourself.
Now you're going to be temptedto defend you
and say why you're not those things.

(02:17):
So the purpose is, again,
to not addresswhat it is that you brought up.
The second oneor the third one is to reverse victim.
Now they're going to present themselvesas poor me.
I'm the victim.You're always picking on me.
I have it really rough. It's hard.
I work so hard. I'm so tired.
You know I'm not healthy.
I'm dealing with so much stress.

(02:39):
Like, I've got all these things to do,and now I've got something else
I have to deal with.
Or now you're upset with meand all of that's going.
And they're going to present themselveslike poor, poor me.
And you're going to be tempted to say,well,
I don't mean to do these things to you,and I don't mean to hurt you.
And I'm not being mean.
I'm just concerned.
Again, it doesn't matter becausethey're not open to being convinced.

(03:03):
This is a tactic.
Got to remember that it is a manipulation.
So the next one is to reverse offender.
And so now instead ofpresenting themselves as the victim,
they're going to actually make youthe offender.
You brought to themyour concern about them.

(03:23):
And now you are going to bethey're going to be
bringing their concern to you, about you.
To where now, the topic is on you
feeling that you need to defend yourselfand explain why
you're not who they say you are, or didn'tdo what they're saying that you did,
which could very likely be exactlythe thing that you came to them with.

(03:48):
So but it could be something else.
So you'll just notice this is all a way
of at every single stage of this,whether it's the defensiveness,
the attacking, the reverse victim
or the reverse offender that it is

(04:08):
a technique to darvo
you, to take you off the topicand not address the concerns.
So instead of reacting to each stageof this
diversion that they're doing instead
recognize that, oh, I'm being darvoed.
Okay. I'm being manipulated.
I think I see this as a messageloud and clear.

(04:32):
I will not dealwith what you are talking to me about.
I'm not going to address it.
Now, that's very frustrating.
It's a very difficult thing to deal with
continually in a toxic relationship.
But the next thing that you need to answer
is after you recognize I'm being darvoedis what next?

(04:54):
What can I do? What are my options?
Now that I know that this person won’taddress this.
Now it falls back on to me.
What am I going to do?
And those questions.
That question is a hard one.
We don't want to answer that questionbecause that might involve boundaries.
That might involve difficult decisions.

(05:16):
It's easierand feels like it's a better option
to keep arguing with the personand keep trying to explain,
than to admitthat the person does not want to deal
with what you're bringingup, doesn't care about your feelings
about your issues, about your concerns,or fixing the relationship.

(05:38):
They're going to continue to
darvo you no matter whatyou bring to them.
So here are some, scriptures that are,
just kind of pertinent to thissince I am a, Christian channel.
First Kings 18:16-18.
It says Ahab went to meet Elijah.
When he saw Elijah, he said to him,is that you?

(05:59):
You trouble troubler of Israel?
And Elijah replied,I have not made trouble for Israel,
but you and your father's family have
you have abandoned the Lord's commands,and have followed the bails.
Now if you know who Elijah was,Elijah was a prophet,
and God sent him to tell Israel,you are not following me.

(06:22):
You are going after other godsand doing things that are absolutely
like unacceptable to meand Elijah was sent by God.
And instead of them listening to him,they attacked him.
They darvoed him, and they told him thathe was the one that was attacking
the troubling them instead of, themwho were making the trouble for Israel.

(06:49):
The next one is Psalm 59:3-4.
And this says, see how they lie inwait for me?
Fierce men can conspire against me
for no offense or sin of mine.
Lord, I have done no wrong, yetthey are ready to attack me.
Arise to help me look on my plight.

(07:11):
We know that in many of those songsPsalms,
it was Davidwho was running from his enemies,
and that people were doingthose exact same things.
The next one is John 3:19-20.
It says, this is the verdict.
Light has come into the world,but people loved darkness

(07:32):
instead of lightbecause their deeds were evil.
Everyone who does evil hates the light
and will not come into the light for fearthat their deeds will be exposed.
Now, people who don't want to dealwith the truth and look at themselves
will do everything they canto push it away.

(07:53):
And that is exactly what's happeningwhen somebody doesn't want to be open,
that it isn't opento how they're affecting you
in the relationshipor to deal with problems.
So thank you for watching this channelon Change My Relationship.
I hope this was helpful.
I have so many other videosthat will help you in
your difficult relationships,but I also have classes that are on zoom

(08:18):
and studies that are available for your,
use on your own or in a group,which is really helpful.
And also books.
I hope that you'll visit my website andlook at the resources that I have for you,
because I want to help you know howto navigate these difficult relationships.
I want to get you healthyand get you strong.

(08:39):
So thank you for watching.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.

(09:00):
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.