October 30, 2025 • 20 mins
In toxic relationships, when people show you who they are, you need to believe them. But, we often don't. We give them the benefit of the doubt again and again. We believe their lies by gaslighting ourselves. And, we doubt that they could really be that bad.
This gets us in all kinds of stressful dysfunctional relationship dynamics because they haven't changed, are who they are, and don't care how we are affected. We do this because of the invalidation we are accustomed to in toxic relationships. It is for these reasons that we have to trust ourselves.
Watch this video to find out how you can get to the place that when people show you who they are, you believe them. When you do, they will prove you are right, instead of wrong. #toxicrelationship #invalidation #gaslight #dysfunctionalrelationship
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
You might have heard this before.
(00:20):
People show you who they are,so believe them.
So true.
And yet many of us in toxic,
dysfunctional relationshipsdon't remember that.
We see who people are, and we pretendto ourselves that they are not that way.
(00:42):
It is to our own detriment
and a lot of pain and a lot of problems
that we bring into our liveswhen we do this.
People can't hidewho they are for a short time.
Some skilled sociopaths and really skilled
narcissists can hide from youthe truth for a while.
(01:07):
Eventually, though, there is a crackthat you can and may take.
While unfortunately some of thosesome sociopath and narcissist
know how to hide who they are long enoughto get you entrenched or committed.
And then you'll start to see it.
But sometimes, even as you think back
(01:28):
to the beginning, once you know
the truth, you will look backand you'll be able to say, you know what?
I saw some signs that I ignored.
So it's really important
to have your eyes wide open,especially as you're going into
new relationships, to be willing
(01:50):
to see the truth about people.
Recognize, like, don't jumpall in and think,
oh, I'm just starting to date someone.
And oh, this is the one.
This is the person, you know, God broughtus together in this really fun way.
And I'm just gonna this, thisgotta be the one.
Because that sets yourself upto just ignore and deny
(02:11):
signs that show you that this is, in fact,not the one.
Just because you are, dating.
What is dating for dating is to figure out
who isn't for you as much as it isto figure out who is right for you.
So you're you're figuring that out,and when you see it,
(02:34):
you got to be able to let go.
So be carefulthat you don't get yourself,
entrenchedor believing something that isn't true.
So what are some of the
things that prevent youfrom seeing who they are?
Denial of reality.
Because you don't want to face the truth.
It's painful to face the truth. You.
(02:55):
So you're going to deny reality.
It's like, no,this person isn't mean, or this person
isn't, like, isn't
drinking too much or isn't abusiveor isn't talking all about himself
or herself.
It's like,no, this person's this person didn't mean
(03:16):
to be like to talk to their momthat way or their kid that way.
It's like, you don't want toyou don't want to face that.
You want this personto be the right person.
You want this person.
You don't want to have to face a breakupor face divorce,
or have to setsome uncomfortable boundaries.
So you just keep denying it.
It's not that way.
(03:36):
And in order to do that,we do something called reframing.
We reframe the negative into a positive,or at least a neutral.
So if you imagine this personand this person is
is has a picture frame around them doingthe thing that caught your attention,
and you're looking at thatand you're saying, oh, that wasn't bad.
(04:01):
And so you take that actionor that characteristic of that person,
and you take it out of that ugly pictureframe, and you put it into a new picture
frame that makes it look good, makes itlook better.
So you you excuse it,you explain it, you rationalize it.
Oh, he was just tired.
(04:21):
Oh, she's just under a lot of pressure.
Oh, the mom was not very nice to her when,she was with her.
So she's, kind of just, responding back.
So whatever it is or,not drinking all the time
like that, just on weekendsafter a hard week at work.
(04:42):
So, at least it's not every day.
So you're just reframing it.
You're, you're changing it into somethingthat's palatable
instead of something that is not okay.
So that you can accept itso that you don't have to make a decision.
Fear of what you must do if you facethe truth.
(05:03):
Fear keeps you from dealing with reality.
Because if you are thinking,oh my gosh, if I have to admit
that my spouse is having an affair,
or if I have to admit there'sa sexual addiction, or if I have to admit
my child is using drugs,then I gotta do something about it.
So I'm just going to stayin a more comfortable place,
(05:24):
and I'm going to pretend thatthat isn't going on.
I'm going to pretendthat I haven't figured out that my
newly married spouse is abusive.
I'm just going to push it off
and not deal with it,because I don't want to do the hard stuff.
I don't want to confront.I don't want to set a boundary.
(05:44):
I don't want to potentially
have to end a relationshipor even have a difficult conversation.
Ignorance of what is healthy,
you don't know.
And that's honestly, often a reason,especially in our young lives.
Like coming right
out of a dysfunctional familyor right out of a dysfunctional marriage.
(06:06):
Why we would continue to picksomebody who isn't healthy is
we haven't learned yet what is healthy,what was wrong with our childhood home
or what was wrong with that really toxicrelationship.
So that's a reason why we have to
we have to identify what was wrong,what were the dynamics
(06:27):
in our previous relationships,and then learn what's healthy.
And we need to become healthy.
You need to become healthyso that when something
because it's like what fits iswhat's comfortable.
So when you're used to unhealthy
because you're unhealthy, thenbeing with somebody who's healthy around
(06:49):
somebody who's healthy does not feel good,you don't want it.
It feels uncomfortable. It's it.
But being around somebodythat's kind of similar to your childhood
dynamics or your marriage,you're going to be totally drawn to that
because you're just going to be used tothat.
You're to be used to that treatment.
You're going to be used to that dynamic.
(07:09):
It's not gonna be shocking to you.
What's healthywill actually feel uncomfortable
when you are still unhealthy.
So you got to know what's healthy, got toyou got to get healthy yourself
so that the unhealthywill feel uncomfortable.
The unhealthy will bethe one that will be like, oh, this up.
(07:31):
I don't want to be aroundsomebody who behaves that way, I don't
I I'm repelled by somebody
who talks to me in a condescending wayor who's manipulative.
I can feel the manipulation in my gut.
I, I'm, I'm and I run from that.
But you got to get healthy first
and it is possible.
(07:51):
Absolutely is possible.
My classes really help you identifywhat's unhealthy
and then help you to get healthy.
So look into them if you need to do that.
Confusionrelated to manipulation and gaslighting.
Now this is real.
When you are in a relationshipwith either of those things
which will happen with abuse,which will happen with narcissism,
(08:15):
other people that are really unhealthyaddicts when somebody is manipulating
and gaslighting you, you,you have a time of confusion
where when you're in that long enough,you do begin to doubt yourself,
and you do begin to doubt what you thinkand what you feel, and you've got to
you got to get healthyand you got to get stronger in order
(08:36):
to see what's really going on and face it.
So you've got to gotta start somewhere.
So maybe in counseling, maybe in one ofmy classes, maybe in a 12 step group.
So you've got to work yourselfout of the confusion in order to be able
to face the truth, because you got to knowthe truth in order to face the truth.
(08:58):
And if you're confused and believingthe other person for what they're saying,
you're going to have to getthat straightened out, or just deciding
that we're going to live in a stateof what's called cognitive dissonance,
cognitivedissonance is when you know what's right
and what's healthy, but you talk yourself
(09:20):
into living in the opposite.
You're living in thingsthat are unhealthy.
And we do that for all of these reasonsthat I've just gone
through, that it's uncomfortableto confront and it's scary.
It's you're you're confused, you're
you'renot sure you don't want to make changes.
(09:42):
You don't want to deal with loss.
You don't want to let go.
You feel like you still love the personor you feel obligated.
Whatever reason you're living with,the reality that you know
isn't right and isn't good,but you go along with it.
You choose to do it
so people can blame, they can makeexcuses, they can do all kinds of things,
(10:03):
and they can rationalize itand they can hide it.
But there's still when you recognizethat somebody is not taking responsibility
and not telling you the truthor doing things that are unhealthy.
And you see that behavior, youyou want to be in a place
where you are able and willing to see it
(10:25):
for what it is and not make excuses.
And when you feel that in your gut,when it feels uncomfortable,
you you've got to you've got to bestrong enough to see it for what it is.
So people will show you by whothey are, by their values.
What do they value?
(10:46):
What choices do they make?
What does their behavior showyou by how they act?
What are they refused to do?
That's showing you a lot.
Their words, the words that they chooseto express themselves.
I often say, what is one of the subtleways you can tell, that a man is abusive?
(11:07):
Listen to the way he talks about women.
Does he talk about women as a group
in a negative way,that they're all gold diggers
or they're all loose, or they're all easy,
or they're all the B-word?
when you heara man say those kinds of things,
(11:28):
that is not a manwho has healthy attitudes about women.
Time to run.
Other examples
that you can think of,the words that they use,
the excuses that they use,do they constantly excuse their behavior
and have, like all kinds of reasonswhy they're not responsible?
(11:49):
Or they could have didn't do it?
Are they always lateor are they always procrastinating?
Are they always forgetting what it isthat they promised you that they would do?
Their emotions,how they handle their emotions?
Can they feel their emotionswhen you were with somebody
who is not able
(12:09):
to feel their emotionsand express their emotions,
that's not going to be a fun relationshipbecause everyone has them.
And when you don't deal
with your emotions, they go undergroundand they come out in an ugly ways.
So if somebody is not emotionally healthy
or they're just getting superangry and upset,
(12:32):
then you know all the timeor losing their temper, then you've got
somebodywho's not dealing with their emotions
and not emotionally healthy,their reactions
to things, how they react, how they.
Is it intense? Is it,
over and over reactions all the time?
(12:52):
Their inactions, what do they not do?
What do they choose to ignore?
their reactions, their inactions,their habits, their defenses.
Oh, my gosh, defenses are a huge, hugesituations.
Like, are they rationalizing?
Are they denying?
Are they, are they putting you down?
(13:14):
Are they defending themselves?
Oh, people ask me,
what is one of the most important thingsyou need to have in a relationship?
The person's abilityto analyze themselves, look at themselves.
When you bring up something, you say,you know, I was really hurt by this, or
I don't like itwhen you, discount my feelings.
(13:36):
And that person
just defends themself. I didn't do that.
I don't I don't discount your feelings.What are you talking about?
Discounting your feelings like I didn't.
Did I listen to you?I always listen to you, and I don't.
I don't want to hear your complaints.
Like you're always complaining.
Whoa!
Huge flashing neon sign.
This person will not look at themselves,analyze it,
(13:59):
analyze themselves,look at their behavior,
listen to your concernsand be open to seeing
how they can change themselves
in order to take care of you,or to be concerned about what it is
that bothers you.
This is the guarantee
(14:19):
of a very difficult relationship.
Little things like that.
How does the personlisten to your concerns?
How does the persontake blame, respond to blame?
How does the person respond to takingresponsibility for something that is done?
(14:40):
You want to see a healthy response,not a bunch of defenses.
And if you're unsurewhat a lot of defenses are,
just there's other videosthat you can watch with that.
But I mean, they're rationalizations,excuses, blame.
justification.
It's defending themselves and excuse
you flipping it on to you making it like
(15:03):
deterring going off into something elselike, well, you know, you you
I brought this up the other day about you,and you didn't care
that you discounted me.
So it's like flipping the script,like diverting you somewhere else.
Like all of those things.
Their personalities.
Yeah.
Everybody's, has a inborn personality.
And you want to make sure
(15:24):
that the personalitythat the person has matches with yours.
People show you their personality.
one of the things when you learnwhat their personality is
that helps you detach,because that's not against you,
that's not just toward you,that's who the person is.
And the person's going to be who they are.
So you can recognize that,
but their beliefs, they show youtheir beliefs by what they say,
(15:47):
by how they talk about things,by what they are supporting
and not supporting in their life,by what they give their money to by,
what they spend their timeon, by how they, they
what their philosophy is of raisingchildren and helping parents
or taking care of parentsor working or all kinds of things.
(16:09):
Do they believe in paying their taxes?
Do they believe thatthey have responsibilities,
their attitudes, attitudes about things?
People show you their attitudeall the time.
Their tone of voice,tone of voice is huge.
Tone of voice can give you, insightinto what's going on inside of them.
And, and, it tells you something.
(16:30):
Listen to that and their priorities.
That's kind of similar to their values,but priorities is what they put first.
Do they go to church on Sundayor do they sleep in?
Do they not really go often.
Do they only go a few times?
Do they see their family, familyregularly?
Do they prioritizeif they have a child already,
(16:50):
do they see that childor do they like neglect that child
and not close to that child and not takingany time in their life for that child?
Do you think they're going
to do differently with youif you have a child with them?
Where is thatsame thing going to happen to you
if your relationship doesn't work? And
are they going to not
(17:10):
give you child support, just like they'renot giving that person child support?
So unfortunately,we have a tendency to see people
for who we want them to beor need them to be,
rather than who for who they are,when it should be the opposite.
We need to see people for who they are
(17:32):
so that we can make decisionsthat will protect us.
Luke 6:43-45 says, Jesus said,
no good tree bears bad fruit,
nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.
Very important.
Each tree is recognized by its own fruit.
(17:53):
People do not pick figsfrom thorn bushes or grapes from briers.
A good man brings good thingsout of the good stored up in his heart,
and an evil man brings evil things
out of the evil stored up in his heart.
For the mouth speaks withthe heart is full of what
(18:14):
you see a person doingand saying is who they are.
John 2:24-25 says,
But Jesus would not entrust himself
to them, for he knew all people.
He did not need any testimonyabout mankind, for
he knew what was in each person.
(18:35):
Now you might say, well, that was Jesus.
Jesus paid attention.
He was still a man, okay?
And he recognizedthat he had to pay attention
to what was in a person
and factor that in in choosinghow to respond to that person,
(18:55):
we need to remember the same thing.
So people show you who they are.
So believe them
and make good decisions for yourself.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listening.
If you're doing this on the podcast,and I hope that you'll take a few minutes
(19:16):
to check out my resources,my classes, and my books.
And, God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(19:37):
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
You might have heard this before.
(00:20):
People show you who they are,so believe them.
So true.
And yet many of us in toxic,
dysfunctional relationshipsdon't remember that.
We see who people are, and we pretendto ourselves that they are not that way.
(00:42):
It is to our own detriment
and a lot of pain and a lot of problems
that we bring into our liveswhen we do this.
People can't hidewho they are for a short time.
Some skilled sociopaths and really skilled
narcissists can hide from youthe truth for a while.
(01:07):
Eventually, though, there is a crackthat you can and may take.
While unfortunately some of thosesome sociopath and narcissist
know how to hide who they are long enoughto get you entrenched or committed.
And then you'll start to see it.
But sometimes, even as you think back
(01:28):
to the beginning, once you know
the truth, you will look backand you'll be able to say, you know what?
I saw some signs that I ignored.
So it's really important
to have your eyes wide open,especially as you're going into
new relationships, to be willing
(01:50):
to see the truth about people.
Recognize, like, don't jumpall in and think,
oh, I'm just starting to date someone.
And oh, this is the one.
This is the person, you know, God broughtus together in this really fun way.
And I'm just gonna this, thisgotta be the one.
Because that sets yourself upto just ignore and deny
(02:11):
signs that show you that this is, in fact,not the one.
Just because you are, dating.
What is dating for dating is to figure out
who isn't for you as much as it isto figure out who is right for you.
So you're you're figuring that out,and when you see it,
(02:34):
you got to be able to let go.
So be carefulthat you don't get yourself,
entrenchedor believing something that isn't true.
So what are some of the
things that prevent youfrom seeing who they are?
Denial of reality.
Because you don't want to face the truth.
It's painful to face the truth. You.
(02:55):
So you're going to deny reality.
It's like, no,this person isn't mean, or this person
isn't, like, isn't
drinking too much or isn't abusiveor isn't talking all about himself
or herself.
It's like,no, this person's this person didn't mean
(03:16):
to be like to talk to their momthat way or their kid that way.
It's like, you don't want toyou don't want to face that.
You want this personto be the right person.
You want this person.
You don't want to have to face a breakupor face divorce,
or have to setsome uncomfortable boundaries.
So you just keep denying it.
It's not that way.
(03:36):
And in order to do that,we do something called reframing.
We reframe the negative into a positive,or at least a neutral.
So if you imagine this personand this person is
is has a picture frame around them doingthe thing that caught your attention,
and you're looking at thatand you're saying, oh, that wasn't bad.
(04:01):
And so you take that actionor that characteristic of that person,
and you take it out of that ugly pictureframe, and you put it into a new picture
frame that makes it look good, makes itlook better.
So you you excuse it,you explain it, you rationalize it.
Oh, he was just tired.
(04:21):
Oh, she's just under a lot of pressure.
Oh, the mom was not very nice to her when,she was with her.
So she's, kind of just, responding back.
So whatever it is or,not drinking all the time
like that, just on weekendsafter a hard week at work.
(04:42):
So, at least it's not every day.
So you're just reframing it.
You're, you're changing it into somethingthat's palatable
instead of something that is not okay.
So that you can accept itso that you don't have to make a decision.
Fear of what you must do if you facethe truth.
(05:03):
Fear keeps you from dealing with reality.
Because if you are thinking,oh my gosh, if I have to admit
that my spouse is having an affair,
or if I have to admit there'sa sexual addiction, or if I have to admit
my child is using drugs,then I gotta do something about it.
So I'm just going to stayin a more comfortable place,
(05:24):
and I'm going to pretend thatthat isn't going on.
I'm going to pretendthat I haven't figured out that my
newly married spouse is abusive.
I'm just going to push it off
and not deal with it,because I don't want to do the hard stuff.
I don't want to confront.I don't want to set a boundary.
(05:44):
I don't want to potentially
have to end a relationshipor even have a difficult conversation.
Ignorance of what is healthy,
you don't know.
And that's honestly, often a reason,especially in our young lives.
Like coming right
out of a dysfunctional familyor right out of a dysfunctional marriage.
(06:06):
Why we would continue to picksomebody who isn't healthy is
we haven't learned yet what is healthy,what was wrong with our childhood home
or what was wrong with that really toxicrelationship.
So that's a reason why we have to
we have to identify what was wrong,what were the dynamics
(06:27):
in our previous relationships,and then learn what's healthy.
And we need to become healthy.
You need to become healthyso that when something
because it's like what fits iswhat's comfortable.
So when you're used to unhealthy
because you're unhealthy, thenbeing with somebody who's healthy around
(06:49):
somebody who's healthy does not feel good,you don't want it.
It feels uncomfortable. It's it.
But being around somebodythat's kind of similar to your childhood
dynamics or your marriage,you're going to be totally drawn to that
because you're just going to be used tothat.
You're to be used to that treatment.
You're going to be used to that dynamic.
(07:09):
It's not gonna be shocking to you.
What's healthywill actually feel uncomfortable
when you are still unhealthy.
So you got to know what's healthy, got toyou got to get healthy yourself
so that the unhealthywill feel uncomfortable.
The unhealthy will bethe one that will be like, oh, this up.
(07:31):
I don't want to be aroundsomebody who behaves that way, I don't
I I'm repelled by somebody
who talks to me in a condescending wayor who's manipulative.
I can feel the manipulation in my gut.
I, I'm, I'm and I run from that.
But you got to get healthy first
and it is possible.
(07:51):
Absolutely is possible.
My classes really help you identifywhat's unhealthy
and then help you to get healthy.
So look into them if you need to do that.
Confusionrelated to manipulation and gaslighting.
Now this is real.
When you are in a relationshipwith either of those things
which will happen with abuse,which will happen with narcissism,
(08:15):
other people that are really unhealthyaddicts when somebody is manipulating
and gaslighting you, you,you have a time of confusion
where when you're in that long enough,you do begin to doubt yourself,
and you do begin to doubt what you thinkand what you feel, and you've got to
you got to get healthyand you got to get stronger in order
(08:36):
to see what's really going on and face it.
So you've got to gotta start somewhere.
So maybe in counseling, maybe in one ofmy classes, maybe in a 12 step group.
So you've got to work yourselfout of the confusion in order to be able
to face the truth, because you got to knowthe truth in order to face the truth.
(08:58):
And if you're confused and believingthe other person for what they're saying,
you're going to have to getthat straightened out, or just deciding
that we're going to live in a stateof what's called cognitive dissonance,
cognitivedissonance is when you know what's right
and what's healthy, but you talk yourself
(09:20):
into living in the opposite.
You're living in thingsthat are unhealthy.
And we do that for all of these reasonsthat I've just gone
through, that it's uncomfortableto confront and it's scary.
It's you're you're confused, you're
you'renot sure you don't want to make changes.
(09:42):
You don't want to deal with loss.
You don't want to let go.
You feel like you still love the personor you feel obligated.
Whatever reason you're living with,the reality that you know
isn't right and isn't good,but you go along with it.
You choose to do it
so people can blame, they can makeexcuses, they can do all kinds of things,
(10:03):
and they can rationalize itand they can hide it.
But there's still when you recognizethat somebody is not taking responsibility
and not telling you the truthor doing things that are unhealthy.
And you see that behavior, youyou want to be in a place
where you are able and willing to see it
(10:25):
for what it is and not make excuses.
And when you feel that in your gut,when it feels uncomfortable,
you you've got to you've got to bestrong enough to see it for what it is.
So people will show you by whothey are, by their values.
What do they value?
(10:46):
What choices do they make?
What does their behavior showyou by how they act?
What are they refused to do?
That's showing you a lot.
Their words, the words that they chooseto express themselves.
I often say, what is one of the subtleways you can tell, that a man is abusive?
(11:07):
Listen to the way he talks about women.
Does he talk about women as a group
in a negative way,that they're all gold diggers
or they're all loose, or they're all easy,
or they're all the B-word?
when you heara man say those kinds of things,
(11:28):
that is not a manwho has healthy attitudes about women.
Time to run.
Other examples
that you can think of,the words that they use,
the excuses that they use,do they constantly excuse their behavior
and have, like all kinds of reasonswhy they're not responsible?
(11:49):
Or they could have didn't do it?
Are they always lateor are they always procrastinating?
Are they always forgetting what it isthat they promised you that they would do?
Their emotions,how they handle their emotions?
Can they feel their emotionswhen you were with somebody
who is not able
(12:09):
to feel their emotionsand express their emotions,
that's not going to be a fun relationshipbecause everyone has them.
And when you don't deal
with your emotions, they go undergroundand they come out in an ugly ways.
So if somebody is not emotionally healthy
or they're just getting superangry and upset,
(12:32):
then you know all the timeor losing their temper, then you've got
somebodywho's not dealing with their emotions
and not emotionally healthy,their reactions
to things, how they react, how they.
Is it intense? Is it,
over and over reactions all the time?
(12:52):
Their inactions, what do they not do?
What do they choose to ignore?
their reactions, their inactions,their habits, their defenses.
Oh, my gosh, defenses are a huge, hugesituations.
Like, are they rationalizing?
Are they denying?
Are they, are they putting you down?
(13:14):
Are they defending themselves?
Oh, people ask me,
what is one of the most important thingsyou need to have in a relationship?
The person's abilityto analyze themselves, look at themselves.
When you bring up something, you say,you know, I was really hurt by this, or
I don't like itwhen you, discount my feelings.
(13:36):
And that person
just defends themself. I didn't do that.
I don't I don't discount your feelings.What are you talking about?
Discounting your feelings like I didn't.
Did I listen to you?I always listen to you, and I don't.
I don't want to hear your complaints.
Like you're always complaining.
Whoa!
Huge flashing neon sign.
This person will not look at themselves,analyze it,
(13:59):
analyze themselves,look at their behavior,
listen to your concernsand be open to seeing
how they can change themselves
in order to take care of you,or to be concerned about what it is
that bothers you.
This is the guarantee
(14:19):
of a very difficult relationship.
Little things like that.
How does the personlisten to your concerns?
How does the persontake blame, respond to blame?
How does the person respond to takingresponsibility for something that is done?
(14:40):
You want to see a healthy response,not a bunch of defenses.
And if you're unsurewhat a lot of defenses are,
just there's other videosthat you can watch with that.
But I mean, they're rationalizations,excuses, blame.
justification.
It's defending themselves and excuse
you flipping it on to you making it like
(15:03):
deterring going off into something elselike, well, you know, you you
I brought this up the other day about you,and you didn't care
that you discounted me.
So it's like flipping the script,like diverting you somewhere else.
Like all of those things.
Their personalities.
Yeah.
Everybody's, has a inborn personality.
And you want to make sure
(15:24):
that the personalitythat the person has matches with yours.
People show you their personality.
one of the things when you learnwhat their personality is
that helps you detach,because that's not against you,
that's not just toward you,that's who the person is.
And the person's going to be who they are.
So you can recognize that,
but their beliefs, they show youtheir beliefs by what they say,
(15:47):
by how they talk about things,by what they are supporting
and not supporting in their life,by what they give their money to by,
what they spend their timeon, by how they, they
what their philosophy is of raisingchildren and helping parents
or taking care of parentsor working or all kinds of things.
(16:09):
Do they believe in paying their taxes?
Do they believe thatthey have responsibilities,
their attitudes, attitudes about things?
People show you their attitudeall the time.
Their tone of voice,tone of voice is huge.
Tone of voice can give you, insightinto what's going on inside of them.
And, and, it tells you something.
(16:30):
Listen to that and their priorities.
That's kind of similar to their values,but priorities is what they put first.
Do they go to church on Sundayor do they sleep in?
Do they not really go often.
Do they only go a few times?
Do they see their family, familyregularly?
Do they prioritizeif they have a child already,
(16:50):
do they see that childor do they like neglect that child
and not close to that child and not takingany time in their life for that child?
Do you think they're going
to do differently with youif you have a child with them?
Where is thatsame thing going to happen to you
if your relationship doesn't work? And
are they going to not
(17:10):
give you child support, just like they'renot giving that person child support?
So unfortunately,we have a tendency to see people
for who we want them to beor need them to be,
rather than who for who they are,when it should be the opposite.
We need to see people for who they are
(17:32):
so that we can make decisionsthat will protect us.
Luke 6:43-45 says, Jesus said,
no good tree bears bad fruit,
nor does a bad tree bear good fruit.
Very important.
Each tree is recognized by its own fruit.
(17:53):
People do not pick figsfrom thorn bushes or grapes from briers.
A good man brings good thingsout of the good stored up in his heart,
and an evil man brings evil things
out of the evil stored up in his heart.
For the mouth speaks withthe heart is full of what
(18:14):
you see a person doingand saying is who they are.
John 2:24-25 says,
But Jesus would not entrust himself
to them, for he knew all people.
He did not need any testimonyabout mankind, for
he knew what was in each person.
(18:35):
Now you might say, well, that was Jesus.
Jesus paid attention.
He was still a man, okay?
And he recognizedthat he had to pay attention
to what was in a person
and factor that in in choosinghow to respond to that person,
(18:55):
we need to remember the same thing.
So people show you who they are.
So believe them
and make good decisions for yourself.
Thank you for watching.
Thank you for listening.
If you're doing this on the podcast,and I hope that you'll take a few minutes
(19:16):
to check out my resources,my classes, and my books.
And, God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(19:37):
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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