June 26, 2025 • 11 mins
What is the goal of conflict resolution? Most people would answer, "To resolve conflict." That is one of the goals, but it isn't the most important one. There is one that is more important, and if people keep it at the forefront of their minds, it will change the way they interact. Dysfunctional relationships don't do this, but healthy relationships do. Watch this video to find out what it is so you can improve your skills. #conflictresolution #dysfunctionalrelationship #healthyrelationship
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
When you think of the wordconflict,
(00:20):
do you think of associated wordslike bad,
right, wrong, argue, yell. Or
or do you think of words likeunderstanding,
listening, resolving.
Well, if you do conflictthe right way.
If you handle it the right way,you can end up
(00:40):
having the experiencethat those latter words,
would give you,which is the understanding
and the listeningand the resolving.
So in any conflict,there are three parts.
There is you, the other personand the context.
Now you, of course, it's
your feelings, your thoughts,your experiences, your history.
(01:03):
And for the other personit is the same.
It is what they believe,what their experiences,
what's going on with them,
their history,their history with you.
So both of youhave the same thing
and the same rightto those things.
And then there is the context,and the context
is the situationin which it occurred.
(01:26):
And that can bea very powerful thing
to get, an agreement on
and an understanding ofin any conflict.
And it can literally helpyou figure out the why,
the why the person reacted
the way they did, thewhy the other person reacted
the way they did, whyit was hurtful to one person,
(01:48):
why the other thing was hurtfulor upsetting
to the other person, whythe person did what they did.
So let me give you an example.
Let's say that John and Laura
ended up having an argument.
And what basically happened wasthat Laura got a call that her
best friend's husband droppeddead from a heart attack.
(02:09):
Laura was devastatedand panicky,
and she wanted to tell John.
So she called John.
But John didn't answer.
And in that momentof being hypervigilant
and worried, the thoughtwent through Laura's mind.
Maybe something'swrong with John.
So she was getting moreand more and more,
(02:31):
not only worked up about herfriend's husband,
but worrying about John
because John usually answeredthe phone when she called
or at least texted her backand said,
I'll call you in a minute.
Well, John didn't do that.
So time went on a little bitlonger, a little bit longer.
And then John walksin the front door
and Laura says,why didn't you answer the phone?
And he said, oh, I was talkingto a high school friend
(02:54):
who I reconnectedwith on Facebook.
And it come to findout, this was a woman. Now
you mightthink, well, no big deal.
Well, he probablyshould have texted Laura,
but maybe he just Didn't realizethat she was calling
or just made a mistakeand not doing that.
But here is the historywith Laura.
(03:16):
Laura'sprevious husband had an affair,
and when he talked on the phoneto a woman,
it was the woman that he washaving the affair with.
And so she's even more panickynow, thinking, oh my gosh, John,
because she's again,she's in that lower
brain of being hypervigilantand reactive.
Now she thinks John was talkingto a woman.
(03:38):
John didn't answer the phone.
Now she's not just not worriedabout John.
She's angry with John.
Even more angry.
And then John yells back,I didn't do anything wrong.
Leave me alone.
And then they get.
She yells backbecause she's even more angry
and accuses him of doingsomething that, he shouldn't
(03:59):
be doing.
And then
maybe he is having an affairand they're in this big fight.
Now, when they calm downbecause you want to be calm
down, it's important
that they sit downand they figure out, okay, what
is John feeling?
Why did John do what he did?
Okay.What is going on with John?
(04:19):
What is going on with Laura?
And then what the context was.
The context
was that even in their ownlives, both of them
have had a lot of stressgoing on.
Both of them have hada lot of problems in, with,
let's say, with their kids,with their parents.
They've got financial stressors.
(04:40):
So they're both kind oflike at a peak stress level
when you're at a peakstress level.
You end up reacting even more.
So that's part of the context,the context that,
hey, we're both kind of on edge.
And now John could very easilysay, I apologize.
I should have done that.
(05:00):
And of course,
when you're upset,you're not likely to do that.
You'regoing to hold your ground.
But when it comes back around,
if Johncares about understanding
what happened with Lauraand why she was so reactive
and why shethat was upsetting to her.
And if Laura understands that
(05:20):
John's historyis not to have an affair,
that he's been very trustworthy,
that, he apologizes
for not answering the phone,says that he will again
try continue to try hardnot to do that or to text her
and that, he he listens to herand understands
(05:44):
about her friend. What?
How she was fearfuland then how she got angry
and then how big herher past history was.
That,
her husband had an affairwhen he was talking on the phone
with a woman.That was proof of that.
And if he is empatheticand understanding about that,
and if she's understanding
(06:04):
that he didn't meanto do anything wrong
and that it maybe is unrealisticfor her to think
that every time she calls, he'sgoing to answer the phone.
They canget to a place where they can
mutually understandwhere each other came from
and what was going on,and then apologize
for their partand resolve the conflict.
(06:28):
So it could be the same thing.
If you have,let's say you have a child,
teenager who's acting outand you have disagreement
about how this kid needs to behandled.
It's going to bea little more complex problem,
but you can understand thatthe context of having a teenager
that's acting outand getting into trouble,
(06:50):
especially if it's trouble
with the law or if it's troublewith, drugs or alcohol,
that that is goingto be really stressful
and it's going to bethe context.
It's going to be a high level ofconcern, a high level of fear.
Now both of youare going to have opinions
as parents talking about that.
(07:10):
You'reboth going to have beliefs
abouthow you need to handle that,
but you both also have a historyof how your parents
handled disagreementsand problems with you.
One of you might have a historywith a sibling
who had some problemsand was handled a certain way.
You're going to haveyour beliefs.
(07:30):
The other personmay have a different belief,
a different experience,maybe a parent
that handledsomething differently
or has a differentbelief system,
or maybe a different levelof empathy or concern
or even knowledge about thatchild.
Well, the context isrecognizing, having a teenager
that is acting out,especially using drugs
(07:52):
or alcohol,is going to be highly stressful.
There's going to be a degreeof panic, worry, fear,
and maybe even anger in partone of you or both of you.
And you've got to take all ofthose things into consideration.
Recognizing how hard it isin order for you to understand
(08:14):
where each other is coming fromand understand each other's
position and view and fearsand experience.
And with that, ratherthan being right, wrong.
My way is right.Your way is wrong.
That's ridiculous.
You can't can't handle itthis way.
And the other personsaying you can't handle it
that way and arguing is to cometo a place of understanding
(08:38):
where each other is coming from,and that can make
a huge difference,even if you agree to disagree.
And if you have differentviewpoints,
you can at least understandwhen a person is heard
and understood,that helps them to relax.
It helps them to feel likethey don't have to fight
(08:59):
for their rights and fight forwhat's what's right or wrong.
And instead of arguing,you can discuss.
So hopefullyrecognizing the context, it's
a huge part of that.
It's what's going onbehind the scenes.
What's going on in your life,the situation in which
the conflict is occurringor the problem occurs.
(09:23):
And that context is,is important to consider
alongwith each other's viewpoints.
So, the scripture that I lovewith this is Proverbs 25.
It says the purposes of aperson's heart are deep waters,
but a person of understandingdraws them out.
When youare discussing conflict.
(09:46):
Being able todraw out from the other person
what is going onwith that person,
and how that person feels,and being able to draw it
out of yourself and expressit is really critical.
Super important part of conflictresolution.
So I hopethat this has helped you,
and I hope that it'll give you
some ideasof how to resolve your conflict,
(10:09):
and how to discuss thingsin a way that draws out
understanding of what is goingon, rather than going into a
right versus wrong argument.
Thank you for watching.
Change my relationshipand I hope that you will watch
more videos.
And please refer other peopleto this channel that you know
would help.Thank you. God bless.
(10:32):
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(10:54):
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
When you think of the wordconflict,
(00:20):
do you think of associated wordslike bad,
right, wrong, argue, yell. Or
or do you think of words likeunderstanding,
listening, resolving.
Well, if you do conflictthe right way.
If you handle it the right way,you can end up
(00:40):
having the experiencethat those latter words,
would give you,which is the understanding
and the listeningand the resolving.
So in any conflict,there are three parts.
There is you, the other personand the context.
Now you, of course, it's
your feelings, your thoughts,your experiences, your history.
(01:03):
And for the other personit is the same.
It is what they believe,what their experiences,
what's going on with them,
their history,their history with you.
So both of youhave the same thing
and the same rightto those things.
And then there is the context,and the context
is the situationin which it occurred.
(01:26):
And that can bea very powerful thing
to get, an agreement on
and an understanding ofin any conflict.
And it can literally helpyou figure out the why,
the why the person reacted
the way they did, thewhy the other person reacted
the way they did, whyit was hurtful to one person,
(01:48):
why the other thing was hurtfulor upsetting
to the other person, whythe person did what they did.
So let me give you an example.
Let's say that John and Laura
ended up having an argument.
And what basically happened wasthat Laura got a call that her
best friend's husband droppeddead from a heart attack.
(02:09):
Laura was devastatedand panicky,
and she wanted to tell John.
So she called John.
But John didn't answer.
And in that momentof being hypervigilant
and worried, the thoughtwent through Laura's mind.
Maybe something'swrong with John.
So she was getting moreand more and more,
(02:31):
not only worked up about herfriend's husband,
but worrying about John
because John usually answeredthe phone when she called
or at least texted her backand said,
I'll call you in a minute.
Well, John didn't do that.
So time went on a little bitlonger, a little bit longer.
And then John walksin the front door
and Laura says,why didn't you answer the phone?
And he said, oh, I was talkingto a high school friend
(02:54):
who I reconnectedwith on Facebook.
And it come to findout, this was a woman. Now
you mightthink, well, no big deal.
Well, he probablyshould have texted Laura,
but maybe he just Didn't realizethat she was calling
or just made a mistakeand not doing that.
But here is the historywith Laura.
(03:16):
Laura'sprevious husband had an affair,
and when he talked on the phoneto a woman,
it was the woman that he washaving the affair with.
And so she's even more panickynow, thinking, oh my gosh, John,
because she's again,she's in that lower
brain of being hypervigilantand reactive.
Now she thinks John was talkingto a woman.
(03:38):
John didn't answer the phone.
Now she's not just not worriedabout John.
She's angry with John.
Even more angry.
And then John yells back,I didn't do anything wrong.
Leave me alone.
And then they get.
She yells backbecause she's even more angry
and accuses him of doingsomething that, he shouldn't
(03:59):
be doing.
And then
maybe he is having an affairand they're in this big fight.
Now, when they calm downbecause you want to be calm
down, it's important
that they sit downand they figure out, okay, what
is John feeling?
Why did John do what he did?
Okay.What is going on with John?
(04:19):
What is going on with Laura?
And then what the context was.
The context
was that even in their ownlives, both of them
have had a lot of stressgoing on.
Both of them have hada lot of problems in, with,
let's say, with their kids,with their parents.
They've got financial stressors.
(04:40):
So they're both kind oflike at a peak stress level
when you're at a peakstress level.
You end up reacting even more.
So that's part of the context,the context that,
hey, we're both kind of on edge.
And now John could very easilysay, I apologize.
I should have done that.
(05:00):
And of course,
when you're upset,you're not likely to do that.
You'regoing to hold your ground.
But when it comes back around,
if Johncares about understanding
what happened with Lauraand why she was so reactive
and why shethat was upsetting to her.
And if Laura understands that
(05:20):
John's historyis not to have an affair,
that he's been very trustworthy,
that, he apologizes
for not answering the phone,says that he will again
try continue to try hardnot to do that or to text her
and that, he he listens to herand understands
(05:44):
about her friend. What?
How she was fearfuland then how she got angry
and then how big herher past history was.
That,
her husband had an affairwhen he was talking on the phone
with a woman.That was proof of that.
And if he is empatheticand understanding about that,
and if she's understanding
(06:04):
that he didn't meanto do anything wrong
and that it maybe is unrealisticfor her to think
that every time she calls, he'sgoing to answer the phone.
They canget to a place where they can
mutually understandwhere each other came from
and what was going on,and then apologize
for their partand resolve the conflict.
(06:28):
So it could be the same thing.
If you have,let's say you have a child,
teenager who's acting outand you have disagreement
about how this kid needs to behandled.
It's going to bea little more complex problem,
but you can understand thatthe context of having a teenager
that's acting outand getting into trouble,
(06:50):
especially if it's trouble
with the law or if it's troublewith, drugs or alcohol,
that that is goingto be really stressful
and it's going to bethe context.
It's going to be a high level ofconcern, a high level of fear.
Now both of youare going to have opinions
as parents talking about that.
(07:10):
You'reboth going to have beliefs
abouthow you need to handle that,
but you both also have a historyof how your parents
handled disagreementsand problems with you.
One of you might have a historywith a sibling
who had some problemsand was handled a certain way.
You're going to haveyour beliefs.
(07:30):
The other personmay have a different belief,
a different experience,maybe a parent
that handledsomething differently
or has a differentbelief system,
or maybe a different levelof empathy or concern
or even knowledge about thatchild.
Well, the context isrecognizing, having a teenager
that is acting out,especially using drugs
(07:52):
or alcohol,is going to be highly stressful.
There's going to be a degreeof panic, worry, fear,
and maybe even anger in partone of you or both of you.
And you've got to take all ofthose things into consideration.
Recognizing how hard it isin order for you to understand
(08:14):
where each other is coming fromand understand each other's
position and view and fearsand experience.
And with that, ratherthan being right, wrong.
My way is right.Your way is wrong.
That's ridiculous.
You can't can't handle itthis way.
And the other personsaying you can't handle it
that way and arguing is to cometo a place of understanding
(08:38):
where each other is coming from,and that can make
a huge difference,even if you agree to disagree.
And if you have differentviewpoints,
you can at least understandwhen a person is heard
and understood,that helps them to relax.
It helps them to feel likethey don't have to fight
(08:59):
for their rights and fight forwhat's what's right or wrong.
And instead of arguing,you can discuss.
So hopefullyrecognizing the context, it's
a huge part of that.
It's what's going onbehind the scenes.
What's going on in your life,the situation in which
the conflict is occurringor the problem occurs.
(09:23):
And that context is,is important to consider
alongwith each other's viewpoints.
So, the scripture that I lovewith this is Proverbs 25.
It says the purposes of aperson's heart are deep waters,
but a person of understandingdraws them out.
When youare discussing conflict.
(09:46):
Being able todraw out from the other person
what is going onwith that person,
and how that person feels,and being able to draw it
out of yourself and expressit is really critical.
Super important part of conflictresolution.
So I hopethat this has helped you,
and I hope that it'll give you
some ideasof how to resolve your conflict,
(10:09):
and how to discuss thingsin a way that draws out
understanding of what is goingon, rather than going into a
right versus wrong argument.
Thank you for watching.
Change my relationshipand I hope that you will watch
more videos.
And please refer other peopleto this channel that you know
would help.Thank you. God bless.
(10:32):
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
(10:54):
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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