What Not to Say to Depressed or Anxious People

Do you know what not to say to depressed or anxious people? You should if you have any contact with them in your life. There are many things people say, including Christian pat answers, that cause hurt. Find out what they are. #healthyrelationship #support #positiverelationships

 

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Episode Transcript

(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.

(00:20):
I'm going to talk to you about what
not to sayto someone who is depressed or anxious.
I know because I do have a family memberwho is anxious.
I have people that are depressed and,I've found myself
saying all the things at different timesthat I'm not supposed to say,
and I've had to learn to saywhat I need to say.

(00:44):
And sometimes I have to go backand remind myself because it's really easy
when you don't struggle with anxietyor depression, to not
recognize that peoplethat do struggle with that
they can't do the things that you canand that I can.
They don't have the abilities,and they're struggling

(01:04):
against very powerful forcesof depression and anxiety.
So it's not easy for themthat they don't have
the same skillsand the same resources that we have.
So the first one is that we don't sayis snap out of it,
or stop feeling that way,or don't give in to it.

(01:26):
When we say that, we minimize,is it just, oh, snap out of it.
Oh, don't give in to it. Oh,
that isnot a possibility when you're struggling
with deep depressionor severe anxiety snapping out of it.
Not going to happen.
They can't snap out of it.
They can't not give into it.
It's there.

(01:47):
It's they would love to not give in to it.
They would love to snap out of it.
They would love to just stop feelingthat way.
That is impossible.
Next one is thinking that you can beempathetic
by saying,oh, I get depressed or anxious to no.
Once in a while, a little bit of anxiety,a little bit of depression.

(02:10):
That is not the same thing.
Again, that minimizes it.
That's saying,oh, I do that once in a while.
Oh, I get it.
No, you don't get it okay.
You don't get itif you don't have severe depression
or severe anxiety, even if you've beena little depressed once in a while
or a little anxious, you have no clue.

(02:30):
Next one,there's always someone worse off.
That doesn't helpbecause that's saying to this person,
yours isn't so bad, but in reality
their's probably pretty bad.
If you're dealing with somebody who'sanxiety is keeping them from a normal
life, or his depression is interfering
with them living a normal life. No.

(02:53):
For them, they need to have you empathize
and understand and validatethat for them, it's really bad.
Next one,just think of something positive.
Again.
If that werepossible, they would have already done it.
They would do itbecause if they could just think up

(03:16):
something positive like you,they'd be done.
They wouldn't be in this situation.
Next one.
This is really empathetic not empathetic.
You're crazy. You're nuts.
You're just weak.
Okay, that's really mean and really bad.
But sometimes people do thatnot understanding mental illness,

(03:39):
that it's a real thingand that it really matters.
So no, that's not good enough.
So you can't say that. That's horrible.
Don't even go there.
Don't even think itso that it doesn't come out of your mouth.
Now here's the Christian commentsthat are what you don't want to say.

(04:00):
Firstone misunderstanding of 1 Corinthians
10:13God won't give you more than you can bear.
That Scripture says,God won't give you more than you can bear,
but will, with the temptation, providea way out.
That Scripture is not aboutwhat you can't bear.

(04:21):
It's that God's not going to tempt youor allow you to be tempted
without giving you resourcesto stand up against the temptation.
That's not about havingnot having hard things in your life.
Trust me, I know people
that have more than they can bearin their life.

(04:41):
And yes, all of usmeet the challenge that we have to.
But man,these are overwhelming circumstances.
And and I don't think that that scripture
means that they're not going to have morethan they can actually hold up under.
Because, you know, sometimespeople get more than they can handle.
Sometimes they crack, okay.

(05:02):
Sometimes they just crumble. So
don't say that.
Don't sayGod won't give you more than you can bear,
because that makes them feel bad. Like,what's wrong with me?
That I'm not bearing this?
What's wrong with me?
That I'm giving into the temptationof anxiety or depression again?
That's not what. It's not a temptation.

(05:24):
It's a mind
set that comes from having neuro
transmitter chemicals in their brain
that are off, that are out of balance,that are causing real symptoms.
It's like, think of it as a brain disease.
Think of itas the sugar diabetes of the brain.
That insulin is an off.

(05:47):
The neurochemicals are off that arecausing the anxiety or the depression.
The next one God will work your sufferingfor good.
That's Romans 828,that God works all things
for the good of thosewho love him for their good and his glory.
Oh, stop! Okay.
This does not feel like it's for good.

(06:07):
Yes, God can work anything out for goodand use it for a good purpose.
And he does.
And that's what's so cool about having God
in your life and trusting him with things.
But that does not make you feel better
when you're going through real problemsthat makes you feel worse.

(06:27):
So don't say that.
Next one.
Let's rebuke the spirit of depression.
You know, in the Bible,when Jesus was walking on earth,
there was a lot of demonpossession and oppression, and Jesus
rebuked spirits come out of people
who were obviously mentallyill throwing themselves

(06:49):
down, who were doing things that werecould be described as mental illness.
But in a society
like ours, where in the Western worldwhere we don't do
a lot of spirit worship,then we don't do a lot of stuff.
People aren't,
you know, actively involved with thingsthat have to do with demonology.

(07:11):
And there's no, we're not,you know, worshiping other gods.
We're we're opening ourselves upto that kind of spirit.
A lot of times, almost all the time.
It's not a spiritthat's a pressing us or possessing us.
It really is
a chemical condition,

(07:31):
or it's caused by circumstancesthat happen to us, things that happened
in our life that we have to work through,or thoughts that are actually wrong,
maybe all of those combinations together,but it's a real thing.
And by saying,let's just rebuke that spirit,
the thing I don't like about thatis it sends people down the wrong path.

(07:51):
It tells themthat I'm being oppressed or possessed,
and then it means I have to go for prayerand that's great.
Go pray.
Pray for somebody with that.
If that's what it is. God, take it away.
But don't minimize
the fact that they need real help.
Probably need

(08:13):
to see a psychiatristor someone that would give them medication
and a therapist that would help them,
because otherwise you're goingto keep them stuck even longer.
Next one.
Christians shouldn't be depressed.
We should have God's joy.
That's telling peoplethat there is no room for depression
or anxiety for Christians.

(08:33):
And that's not true either,because it has nothing to do with
whether we're saved or not.
We're saved.
We're trusting God for our salvation. But
there's situations that have happened
in your life that have led to depressionor anxiety, anxiety.
A lot of it can be gotten worseby learned responses

(08:54):
and by associatingcertain things with anxiety.
And then your brain sees itand pulls up the anxiety because it's
triggered response and or you have PTSD
from trauma that's happening to you,happened to you in the past.
I mean, if we say when we saythat we shouldn't be depressed
or shouldn't be anxious as Christiansbecause we have joy,

(09:17):
we are minimizing peopleand we're condemning them.
And that is sad.
And it doesn't help them, doesn't
help them get better,and it doesn't help them get help.
Next one let's pray.
God heals you.
This offers a falsehope of an instant cure.
Depression and anxiety are not typically

(09:37):
instantly curedor instantly healed by God.
They take work. They take,
anti-depressants,
anti-anxiety medication,other types of medication.
They take therapy.
God doesn't usually instantly change braincells and change those neurochemicals.
And I mean usually.

(09:59):
So by saying that to somebodywhen you say, let's pray,
God instantly peels you again,you direct their attention
onto an instant healingthat does not help them.
It makes them feel worse.
So what could you sayto someone who is depressed or anxious?
You say, I don't know what it's likegoing through this,
but it must be really hard.

(10:21):
That's super empathetic.How about this one?
What can I do? How can I help you?
Very open minded.
Very supportive.
You aren't alone.
I'm here for you, for the long haul.
And then be there. And let me tell me.
Tell you. Trust me. It's a long haul.
When you're with somebody who has mentalillness and severe depression or anxiety.

(10:45):
You're not going crazy. It's real.
It's real.
How validating is that?
Don't worry about me.
I can take care of myself.
People that are depressed and anxious.
And you're supporting themor a caregiver for them.
They worry that they are, bothering youand taking too much of your life.
And you need to say, I'm okay.

(11:06):
You don't have to worry about me.I can take care of myself.
I'm fine. Okay, so assure them.
And then the last one.
Here are some helpful resources.
So maybe direct them toward therapy.
Help them find a therapist.
Help them find somebodythat would actually,
help them give them, organizationa support group.

(11:26):
Drive them to therapy, pay for therapy,
take them to the doctor,make a doctor's appointment
where they can actually getsome medication, get some help,
help them find a doctor.
All those types of things are really,really helpful.
So I hope that this has helpedyou understand depression and anxiety
a little bit better,and recognize that there are some things

(11:50):
that really will hurt the person,and there are some things
that will really help the person.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change My Relationship.
All right. Thank you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.

(12:10):
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
You can email her at.
[e-mail]
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts

(12:31):
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.