July 28, 2025 • 15 mins
When you disagree with how your grandchild is parented, what do you do? Do you offer parenting tips? Do you speak up? Do you confront child abuse? Do you point out the dysfunctional relationship dynamics? If you do, what do you think will happen? If you need answers to these questions, watch this video. You will receive helpful suggestions that will help you avoid making mistakes. #grandparenting #dysfunctionalrelationship #childabuse #parentingtips
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/YYvrIXf7-4g
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
What can you do
(00:20):
when you disagree with the wayyour grandchild
is being parented?
So it could be your childand their partner or spouse.
Or it could be just the singleparent of your grandchild,
whether that's your child's,your adult child, or
(00:42):
the person that your adult childhad a baby with.
So what can you do?
The first thing isyou need to remember
that you are not the parent.
You are the grand parent.
A parent has a rightto raise their child
the way that they seeas correct.
(01:03):
You had your chance.
You have to step back,and you have to have
a different rolein this child's life.
And with your childbeing an adult,
you haveto have a different role
to your child than when you didwhen your child was a minor,
when you had a rightto tell your child
(01:23):
what you thought, and for,ask asking things
to be a certain way.It was your house.
It was your right to speakand say your what was going on.
But when your child is an adult,their relationship shifts
and there has to be a respectfor both parties.
Your child needs to respect youas a adult, as a person.
(01:46):
who has thoughts and beliefs,and you have to respect
your child.
As an adult who has beliefsand thoughts and a right
to make their own choices.
So you've got to keepthat in mind.
The second thing isyou got to really evaluate
the seriousness of your concernsor your opinions.
(02:09):
is this over?
They don't let yourthe child have any sugar.
And you want to givethat child sweets
because your grandmaand you want to bake cookies
and you like to give the babyice cream or the child
ice cream, and you are upsetthat you don't get to do that.
Is it over?
Parenting style or disciplinethat you disagree with?
(02:32):
Maybe it'ssomething that is, a new fad or
somethingthat is the opposite of what?
How you raised your child.
Maybe it isthat it's a different religion
or a different church.
Or maybe it's no religion.
And so you've got to look at it.
You've got to say.Or is it worse?
Is it is what you're upsetabout?
(02:53):
Neglect. Abuse.
Drug use around a childsmoking pot.
Or maybe it's harsh discipline.
You've got to.
You've got to really kindof pinpoint it.
And recognize what is it?
So the next thing is you've
got to consider the falloutof speaking up.
(03:13):
If you have always been a personwho's been, open
and, spokenyour thoughts to your child
and you're used to doing that,you've still got to stop
and think,this is a different situation.
You have a grandchildthat's involved.
You have a other, another parentof that grandchild,
(03:34):
which would could be the spouseor the partner of your child.
And there could be a differentreaction from that person.
There could be a, an extremereaction.
There's a lot of parentgrandparents
who have been cut offfrom their children
and grandchildrenbecause of things they've done
where they think,it wasn't that bad.
(03:55):
And yet the reaction was that
the kidsdidn't want to deal with it.
So you got to be careful.
You've got to recognize thatmaybe this other person
that is, your in-law is going
to react strongly to yousharing your opinion.
So you've got to consider
what is my relationshipwith both parents of this child?
(04:17):
What do what kind of, leewayis there for us?
For mespeaking my truth or my opinion?
Has there been a really strongreaction in the past?
Well, then you've got to bereally, really careful.
So you've kind of got to countthe cost and use wisdom
in recognizing. Proverbs
(04:38):
says, to confront the
fool, in their anger,or they're going to be wise
in their own eyes.
And then the next versesays, 26:5 says, don't
confront a fool because oryou'll be just like them.
So it's like,
you've got to have discernmentand you've got to have wisdom
as faras what you're going to do.
(05:00):
So you've got to considerwhat would the fallout be?
What is the possibility of
having them get upset with youor just
you're harming the relationship?
I mean, again,
you don't have a right to speak
anything to tell them anythingand everything that
you think abouthow they parent this child,
(05:21):
that is a boundary violationto do that.
And you have to keep in mindthat, it may not be good.
It might not be right.
And again, it's how you say it.
Also, it's like saying,oh, it's it's hard for me
not to be able to give sugar tomy grandchild.
Is different than I'm goingto give sugar to my grandchild.
(05:43):
Or you're wrong to withholdsugar from your grandchild.
Again, people that are doingthings that are bad, like drugs
or alcohol or something,they're going to be, reactive.
They're going to be in denial.
They're going to sayit's not a big deal.
Or if they're, maybe your childis parenting your grandchild
the way the father didin your home
(06:05):
or the way that the motherdid, their mother or father.
And then that's also harmful,that recognizing, oh, my gosh,
now they're doing
the same thing that I tolerated,or maybe I did to them.
There'sgoing to be a lot to consider.
So the seriousnessof what it is, what it is,
(06:26):
and the kind of the relationship
that you have with each of
the parents, the motherand father of the child.
So you also need to rememberthere's something different
in relationship with yourgrandchild, and that is that
you want to do
whatever it isthat you can do to one.
(06:49):
Again, the seriousnessif it's abuse, if it's something
where a child isactually not being fed.
Not being taken care of
is being verbally emotionallyabused physically abused.
That's a different way.
I think that the importance goesway up in terms of
needing to say something,but even then
you haveto be very careful because
(07:12):
you do not want
them to get angry with youand cut the relationship
off with you to where you haveno access to your grandchild.
If the idea here is your concernfor your grandchild,
you want to
preserve the relationshipwith your grandchild
so that you can havethe maximum,
(07:34):
influence on the situationand to where you can
at least have a relationshipwith your grandchild,
where you can bring something,
good into that grandchild'slife.
And also soyou can enjoy your grandchild.
So the next thingis to consider,
carefully who you're goingto talk to about this.
(07:57):
Are you going to mention itto your spouse if that's safe?
There have been situations
where the spousewould go and tell the child
or the ex
or the in-law to create problemswhat you said.
So you want to make surethat's rare,
but you want to make sureyou don't want to talk to your,
(08:21):
your other child.
If that child is going to tellyour other child what you think.
So you got to be really careful.
If you talk to your child,will that child
tell the their spouse
and then it willthere will be resentment
and a reaction from that,from the spouse.
That way
when you knew that it was a goodto talk to the spouse,
(08:43):
you got to know, like,who do I talk to?
Do I talk to a counselor?
That's a safe placeto talk to your concerns.
People havebrought concerns to me about
their grandchildrenand what's going on.
So that's a safe placeto bring it.
But you got to be reallycareful now.
When would you call?
child Protective Servicesis when you know that
(09:05):
there is legitimate abusethat needs to be reported.
Know that the backlashcould be severe with that.
And also that
Child Protective Servicesdoesn't
always come inand make a, determination
that the child is reallyin difficult situations.
(09:26):
The idea of emotional
and verbal abuse is sometimeshard to pinpoint, hard to prove.
And children, oftenwhen they're under pressure
from a parent, especially onethat they know has a backlash,
will recant what it wasthat they told you that happened
and say thatit didn't happen and lie to CPS.
(09:47):
So you have to bereally careful.
You can consult an attorney,can consult a therapist.
Now when you call CPS, it'ssupposed to be, anonymous.
But you've got to be reallycareful and recognizing that,
the child could assumethat that's got to be you.
Especially if they know thatyou're not happy with things.
So doesn't mean you shouldn'tever call.
(10:09):
It means that you should becareful to consider everything
before you call, and knowthat there's no other options.
Now, can you try
to tell your childthat you're concerned?
Absolutely.
Careful how you word it.
Don't accuse.
Talk about yourselfin your own feelings
and your concernsabout what's going on,
(10:31):
rather
than accusingthem of being right or wrong.
Or I should say, accusing themof being wrong or or abusive.
You only use those words
if you absolutely have to,and it's really bad.
So there aren't like I said,there are times
that you have to interfereand say that you're not going to
tolerate certain things,but that is, know that
(10:55):
you can stand up and prove thator that you have a good chance,
but most of the timeit's not going to come to that.
Most of the timeit is just concerns
that you have,and it's very painful
to watch your grandchildrensuffering at all
in situationsthat you know are not ideal,
but you've got to recognizereality,
(11:18):
the limits that you haveof having an influence,
and you've got to do
whatever you canto preserve that influence.
So if you decide you're going
to say something,
you have to consider againwho you're going to talk to.
Pick the safest personthat has a, a way to
(11:39):
affect the situation,
whether if that's your childand you know your child
maybe shares your concernsabout the other parent or,
if your childand you have a good relationship
and you can say, like, I'm sad,
I see you responding to your sonthe way that your dad
(11:59):
responded to youor your mom responded to you.
And it's do you rememberhow hurtful it was?
Do you remember how you felt?
I mean, if you couldtalk to your child directly
or even the other person aboutyour concerns without backlash?
By all means, do it.
Choosing your wordsvery carefully.
(12:21):
And so this is reality,I wish I could
say, like, you can say anythingthat you're concerned about.
You can bring it up,but it it will entirely depends
upon your relationshipwith the grandchild's parents
and the circumstances underwhich it is happening.
(12:41):
So you can again,choosing your words carefully.
You can bring it up in a nonaccusatory way where you own
like just everything I teach youown the problem.
I have a hard time seeing this.
It's hard for me to watch it.
I'm worried like I.
(13:04):
Like I did it differently.
But even that is a little iffy.
If, things are kind of tight
with youor if the person is kind of,
you don't really knowthat person
super well, or you know thatthere's going to be a reaction.
So you just have to treadlightly is what you need to do.
You need wisdom,you need discretion,
(13:25):
and you need to keepthose principles in mind.
And it wouldn't hurt to run itby a uninvolved person,
your friend who doesn't
have contact with themthat won't tell anybody
your concerns.
You do not want itgetting back to them.
So hopefully this makes sense.
If you if you like this videoand you want more
(13:47):
videos along this line,or you need me to elaborate on
any one thing that I talkedabout here, please feel free
to send me an email.
So, and I have to say,my 365 day devotion
that has 365 devotionswhere you can read all about
this is where you get wisdomand you get the ability to to
(14:10):
discern what is right.
It has an indexthat you can look in and look up
whatever it isyou're dealing with,
and it'll give you, tipsand tools that are based on
biblical truth.
Very, very,very helpful for navigating
difficult relationshipswith wisdom.
So thank you for listeningand God bless you.
Please let me know
(14:31):
if there's anything else youwould like me to do videos on.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
(14:52):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
What can you do
(00:20):
when you disagree with the wayyour grandchild
is being parented?
So it could be your childand their partner or spouse.
Or it could be just the singleparent of your grandchild,
whether that's your child's,your adult child, or
(00:42):
the person that your adult childhad a baby with.
So what can you do?
The first thing isyou need to remember
that you are not the parent.
You are the grand parent.
A parent has a rightto raise their child
the way that they seeas correct.
(01:03):
You had your chance.
You have to step back,and you have to have
a different rolein this child's life.
And with your childbeing an adult,
you haveto have a different role
to your child than when you didwhen your child was a minor,
when you had a rightto tell your child
(01:23):
what you thought, and for,ask asking things
to be a certain way.It was your house.
It was your right to speakand say your what was going on.
But when your child is an adult,their relationship shifts
and there has to be a respectfor both parties.
Your child needs to respect youas a adult, as a person.
(01:46):
who has thoughts and beliefs,and you have to respect
your child.
As an adult who has beliefsand thoughts and a right
to make their own choices.
So you've got to keepthat in mind.
The second thing isyou got to really evaluate
the seriousness of your concernsor your opinions.
(02:09):
is this over?
They don't let yourthe child have any sugar.
And you want to givethat child sweets
because your grandmaand you want to bake cookies
and you like to give the babyice cream or the child
ice cream, and you are upsetthat you don't get to do that.
Is it over?
Parenting style or disciplinethat you disagree with?
(02:32):
Maybe it'ssomething that is, a new fad or
somethingthat is the opposite of what?
How you raised your child.
Maybe it isthat it's a different religion
or a different church.
Or maybe it's no religion.
And so you've got to look at it.
You've got to say.Or is it worse?
Is it is what you're upsetabout?
(02:53):
Neglect. Abuse.
Drug use around a childsmoking pot.
Or maybe it's harsh discipline.
You've got to.
You've got to really kindof pinpoint it.
And recognize what is it?
So the next thing is you've
got to consider the falloutof speaking up.
(03:13):
If you have always been a personwho's been, open
and, spokenyour thoughts to your child
and you're used to doing that,you've still got to stop
and think,this is a different situation.
You have a grandchildthat's involved.
You have a other, another parentof that grandchild,
(03:34):
which would could be the spouseor the partner of your child.
And there could be a differentreaction from that person.
There could be a, an extremereaction.
There's a lot of parentgrandparents
who have been cut offfrom their children
and grandchildrenbecause of things they've done
where they think,it wasn't that bad.
(03:55):
And yet the reaction was that
the kidsdidn't want to deal with it.
So you got to be careful.
You've got to recognize thatmaybe this other person
that is, your in-law is going
to react strongly to yousharing your opinion.
So you've got to consider
what is my relationshipwith both parents of this child?
(04:17):
What do what kind of, leewayis there for us?
For mespeaking my truth or my opinion?
Has there been a really strongreaction in the past?
Well, then you've got to bereally, really careful.
So you've kind of got to countthe cost and use wisdom
in recognizing. Proverbs
(04:38):
says, to confront the
fool, in their anger,or they're going to be wise
in their own eyes.
And then the next versesays, 26:5 says, don't
confront a fool because oryou'll be just like them.
So it's like,
you've got to have discernmentand you've got to have wisdom
as faras what you're going to do.
(05:00):
So you've got to considerwhat would the fallout be?
What is the possibility of
having them get upset with youor just
you're harming the relationship?
I mean, again,
you don't have a right to speak
anything to tell them anythingand everything that
you think abouthow they parent this child,
(05:21):
that is a boundary violationto do that.
And you have to keep in mindthat, it may not be good.
It might not be right.
And again, it's how you say it.
Also, it's like saying,oh, it's it's hard for me
not to be able to give sugar tomy grandchild.
Is different than I'm goingto give sugar to my grandchild.
(05:43):
Or you're wrong to withholdsugar from your grandchild.
Again, people that are doingthings that are bad, like drugs
or alcohol or something,they're going to be, reactive.
They're going to be in denial.
They're going to sayit's not a big deal.
Or if they're, maybe your childis parenting your grandchild
the way the father didin your home
(06:05):
or the way that the motherdid, their mother or father.
And then that's also harmful,that recognizing, oh, my gosh,
now they're doing
the same thing that I tolerated,or maybe I did to them.
There'sgoing to be a lot to consider.
So the seriousnessof what it is, what it is,
(06:26):
and the kind of the relationship
that you have with each of
the parents, the motherand father of the child.
So you also need to rememberthere's something different
in relationship with yourgrandchild, and that is that
you want to do
whatever it isthat you can do to one.
(06:49):
Again, the seriousnessif it's abuse, if it's something
where a child isactually not being fed.
Not being taken care of
is being verbally emotionallyabused physically abused.
That's a different way.
I think that the importance goesway up in terms of
needing to say something,but even then
you haveto be very careful because
(07:12):
you do not want
them to get angry with youand cut the relationship
off with you to where you haveno access to your grandchild.
If the idea here is your concernfor your grandchild,
you want to
preserve the relationshipwith your grandchild
so that you can havethe maximum,
(07:34):
influence on the situationand to where you can
at least have a relationshipwith your grandchild,
where you can bring something,
good into that grandchild'slife.
And also soyou can enjoy your grandchild.
So the next thingis to consider,
carefully who you're goingto talk to about this.
(07:57):
Are you going to mention itto your spouse if that's safe?
There have been situations
where the spousewould go and tell the child
or the ex
or the in-law to create problemswhat you said.
So you want to make surethat's rare,
but you want to make sureyou don't want to talk to your,
(08:21):
your other child.
If that child is going to tellyour other child what you think.
So you got to be really careful.
If you talk to your child,will that child
tell the their spouse
and then it willthere will be resentment
and a reaction from that,from the spouse.
That way
when you knew that it was a goodto talk to the spouse,
(08:43):
you got to know, like,who do I talk to?
Do I talk to a counselor?
That's a safe placeto talk to your concerns.
People havebrought concerns to me about
their grandchildrenand what's going on.
So that's a safe placeto bring it.
But you got to be reallycareful now.
When would you call?
child Protective Servicesis when you know that
(09:05):
there is legitimate abusethat needs to be reported.
Know that the backlashcould be severe with that.
And also that
Child Protective Servicesdoesn't
always come inand make a, determination
that the child is reallyin difficult situations.
(09:26):
The idea of emotional
and verbal abuse is sometimeshard to pinpoint, hard to prove.
And children, oftenwhen they're under pressure
from a parent, especially onethat they know has a backlash,
will recant what it wasthat they told you that happened
and say thatit didn't happen and lie to CPS.
(09:47):
So you have to bereally careful.
You can consult an attorney,can consult a therapist.
Now when you call CPS, it'ssupposed to be, anonymous.
But you've got to be reallycareful and recognizing that,
the child could assumethat that's got to be you.
Especially if they know thatyou're not happy with things.
So doesn't mean you shouldn'tever call.
(10:09):
It means that you should becareful to consider everything
before you call, and knowthat there's no other options.
Now, can you try
to tell your childthat you're concerned?
Absolutely.
Careful how you word it.
Don't accuse.
Talk about yourselfin your own feelings
and your concernsabout what's going on,
(10:31):
rather
than accusingthem of being right or wrong.
Or I should say, accusing themof being wrong or or abusive.
You only use those words
if you absolutely have to,and it's really bad.
So there aren't like I said,there are times
that you have to interfereand say that you're not going to
tolerate certain things,but that is, know that
(10:55):
you can stand up and prove thator that you have a good chance,
but most of the timeit's not going to come to that.
Most of the timeit is just concerns
that you have,and it's very painful
to watch your grandchildrensuffering at all
in situationsthat you know are not ideal,
but you've got to recognizereality,
(11:18):
the limits that you haveof having an influence,
and you've got to do
whatever you canto preserve that influence.
So if you decide you're going
to say something,
you have to consider againwho you're going to talk to.
Pick the safest personthat has a, a way to
(11:39):
affect the situation,
whether if that's your childand you know your child
maybe shares your concernsabout the other parent or,
if your childand you have a good relationship
and you can say, like, I'm sad,
I see you responding to your sonthe way that your dad
(11:59):
responded to youor your mom responded to you.
And it's do you rememberhow hurtful it was?
Do you remember how you felt?
I mean, if you couldtalk to your child directly
or even the other person aboutyour concerns without backlash?
By all means, do it.
Choosing your wordsvery carefully.
(12:21):
And so this is reality,I wish I could
say, like, you can say anythingthat you're concerned about.
You can bring it up,but it it will entirely depends
upon your relationshipwith the grandchild's parents
and the circumstances underwhich it is happening.
(12:41):
So you can again,choosing your words carefully.
You can bring it up in a nonaccusatory way where you own
like just everything I teach youown the problem.
I have a hard time seeing this.
It's hard for me to watch it.
I'm worried like I.
(13:04):
Like I did it differently.
But even that is a little iffy.
If, things are kind of tight
with youor if the person is kind of,
you don't really knowthat person
super well, or you know thatthere's going to be a reaction.
So you just have to treadlightly is what you need to do.
You need wisdom,you need discretion,
(13:25):
and you need to keepthose principles in mind.
And it wouldn't hurt to run itby a uninvolved person,
your friend who doesn't
have contact with themthat won't tell anybody
your concerns.
You do not want itgetting back to them.
So hopefully this makes sense.
If you if you like this videoand you want more
(13:47):
videos along this line,or you need me to elaborate on
any one thing that I talkedabout here, please feel free
to send me an email.
So, and I have to say,my 365 day devotion
that has 365 devotionswhere you can read all about
this is where you get wisdomand you get the ability to to
(14:10):
discern what is right.
It has an indexthat you can look in and look up
whatever it isyou're dealing with,
and it'll give you, tipsand tools that are based on
biblical truth.
Very, very,very helpful for navigating
difficult relationshipswith wisdom.
So thank you for listeningand God bless you.
Please let me know
(14:31):
if there's anything else youwould like me to do videos on.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
(14:52):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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