June 30, 2025 • 11 mins
Why do you manipulate people? You need to know if you want to stop doing it. Wanting to change is the first step to being able to stop manipulating people but you also need to know why so you understand what drives the behavior. This video will show you why you manipulate people. #manipulation #ManipulationMotives #HealthyRelationship
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/9-Xa1fRlCGU
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
So recently,
I've gotten multiple requests from peoplewatching some of my YouTube
videos on manipulation,how to stop manipulating people.
In other words, these are peoplethat are watching them and recognizing
that they manipulate peopleand that they want to stop doing it.
(00:41):
This thrills me because the first stepto any behavior change
is recognizing that you're doing somethingand not wanting to do it anymore.
So that is the biggest hurdlethat anybody has with
changingis recognizing that they need to change.
So the first thing that I'm goingto answer is why do you manipulate people?
(01:06):
how come the opposite of manipulate
is simply to ask someone elsedirectly for what you want?
Will you give me some money?
Will you come over to my house?
Will you help me with this?
Is it okay for this to happen?
(01:28):
Will you do this with me?
Will you give me this?
Will you participate in this?
When you manipulate, you don't give peoplethe right to say yes or no to you.
You literally figure out what it is
that you can do to get this person to do
whatever it is you want, without youasking them.
(01:50):
You don't give them an opportunityto say no.
You manipulate them to say
yes for one simple reason.
You want itand you've got to look out. Why?
Why are you resorting to thatinstead of taking the risk
of asking the person to do it for you
(02:13):
and giving them the opportunity to say no.
So that's the first thing.
So it has to come from somewhere.
What is going on inyou when you're doing it?
Are you fearful that they're going to sayno and you won't be okay?
Are you feeling insecure and needy?
And you have to have these needs met,and you truly do not know
(02:38):
how to handle not having these needs met.
Are you, feeling entitled?
Do you believe that you're entitledto have all your needs met?
That people don't have a right to sayno to you?
You've got to look atwhat is truly going on.
What are the beliefs that you have?
What's behind this manipulation?
(03:00):
A belief means it'skind of like a worldview.
It's kind of like the thingsthat guide your behavior.
I believe I have the rightto have all my needs, but
I believe that other peopledo not have the right to say no to me.
I believe that if I want or needsomething that you,
if you are in a relationship with me,have to do that for me,
(03:23):
or I believe that I will not be okayif someone tells me no.
I believe that I have to have this
or I feel like I'm going to suffocate,or I feel like
I'm going to die, or I feel like I'mnot going to be able to handle it.
I feel like I'm not going to survive.
I feel like I'mI just won't be okay if I don't have this.
(03:48):
And so instead of asking for itand giving the person
a chance to say no, you just are like,I have to get it.
So therefore, I have to make surethat this person gives this to me,
and I'm goingto have to manipulate them to get it.
So is it because you look down on themand you feel that that person doesn't
(04:09):
have a right over their own lifeand over their own choices,
that you operate from a positionof what we call power over
in relationships,where you believe that you have a right
to control the other personand make the person do what you want.
Do you see yourself as superiorto that person?
(04:30):
Are you, just do you just simply disregard
and not care that the person isn'tgoing to have a right to say yes or no?
Do you not care about your effecton people.
I mean, what is itthat's going on with you?
You've got to kind of dig deepand you've got to figure out what is it
that guides you, the belief systembehind your manipulation.
(04:53):
How do you do that?
Start paying attention,paying attention to your thoughts.
Your thoughtswill give you your belief system.
So when you feel annoyed with somebody,or you feel irritated,
or you feel that you need somethingand you're starting to interact
with the person, pay attentionto the thoughts that go through your head.
(05:14):
Is it a thought?
Something to the effect ofI've got to have this,
oh my gosh,I this I can't give this person.
It's got to happen.
There can't be an opportunity.
Is there a voicethat says I deserve this okay.
Or I'm going to get this.
This is mine.
It's kind of like being power over.
(05:34):
Like I deserve it.
It's mine.
No one has the right to tell me no, okay?
Or I'm number one.
Everyone does what I want them to do or.
Oh my gosh, I have to have this.
What is that? Pay attention to thatand figure out
what is the emotionthat goes along with that.
That will really help you.
Now where did this come from?
(05:55):
I mean, you've got to look at that too,because that will help you.
Was it modeled to you?
Was your father or mother manipulative?
Did your fatheror mother manipulate their spouse?
Did your father or mother manipulate you?
Did a grandparent manipulate you?
Did a sibling manipulate you?
(06:16):
did your former spouse manipulate you?
I mean, typically thingsthat we pick up in behavior
come from our childhood,but it can be that you
early on, had this model to youfrom another person
or sibling that really impacted your life,or even a grandparent.
Also, it could be that as a child
(06:37):
you were overindulged,that you were given everything.
This could be sometimes a motherwho is like a single mom,
and you're kind of her world,and she just figures that
she can keep you close to youby just giving you everything you want.
And as soon as you say jump, she jumpsand you say you want something
(07:00):
and you've never learned what's calleddelayed gratification, which is you don't
get what you want right when you want it,and you find out, I'm okay, I can wait.
I can do without it.
I don't have to have it.
Like I can learnhow to handle not having it.
So that's a possibility.
Also, there can be like a,narcissistic attitude where you have a
(07:22):
right to everything and you deserve it,and no one has a right to tell you no.
That is sometimes also an attitude
of peoplewho kind of have abusive patterns.
And then the other possibility is that you
were, as a child, neglected.
And the only way that you got attentionwas to be manipulative.
(07:45):
And this could beyou being manipulative to to get
your basic needs met,like your food and love and attention.
Or it could be that the only way that yougot people to interact to you, with you
and, listen to you or, answer you
or be,present for you was to be manipulative.
(08:08):
Now how are kids manipulative.
Sometimes they have to be really cute,
like, maybe act like the little princessor the little cute girl or.
Or be kind of coy and and, feminineand kind of use that to get what you want.
Or it can just be that you were demandingor you figured out ways
(08:28):
to get people to listenor to get what you want by lying
or by, making them afraid,
by threatening, by saying,I'm going to run away.
I'm going to donot going to be here anymore.
And then the parent gave in and gave youwhat you wanted, or threatened to hurt
someone else, or you threatenedto hurt the parent or do something.
(08:49):
So if you started doing this as a child,then you've got to look at the root
of what was going on in that relationship,the needs
that were not being met for you,how you began
to manipulateand recognize that it starts there.
And oftentimeswhen you've got to get dig into the roots
(09:09):
to change, a patternthat you have as an adult,
you might need therapy, you might needa professional therapist, counselor,
to help you work through thisso that you can be healthier
in your relationshipsbecause manipulative relationships
are not healthy relationships.
Once somebody recognizesthat you are manipulating them,
(09:33):
they will not be happyin that relationship.
They will have to sacrificea part of themselves.
And this will not be an adult
equal relationshipwhere there's shared power
and mutuality and cooperationand goodwill for each other.
(09:53):
So you don't want to be manipulatingand you don't want
to manipulate your children,
because then you're going to teach themto be manipulative.
So remember, the opposite of manipulation
is simply to ask.
Ask for whatyou need to give the other person
the opportunity to say yes or to say no.
(10:17):
So it's kind of
like there is a scripture in Matthew 5:37,I believe it says,
let your yes be yes and your no be no.
And this is like sayinglet the other person
say yes or say no, okay?
They have the right to thatand you will have healthier relationships.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change my Relationship,
(10:40):
and I hope this helps you.
And if you want to work on
not being manipulative, I applaud you.
It is a huge step
toward getting healthyand I would urge you to get whatever
resources to support you that are possiblebecause you are on the road
(11:00):
to becoming emotionallyand relationally healthy.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(11:23):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You're listening to an audio recordingby Change My Relationship, featuring
licensed marriage and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designed to provide youwith practical solutions
based on biblical truthsfor all your relationships.
(00:21):
So recently,
I've gotten multiple requests from peoplewatching some of my YouTube
videos on manipulation,how to stop manipulating people.
In other words, these are peoplethat are watching them and recognizing
that they manipulate peopleand that they want to stop doing it.
(00:41):
This thrills me because the first stepto any behavior change
is recognizing that you're doing somethingand not wanting to do it anymore.
So that is the biggest hurdlethat anybody has with
changingis recognizing that they need to change.
So the first thing that I'm goingto answer is why do you manipulate people?
(01:06):
how come the opposite of manipulate
is simply to ask someone elsedirectly for what you want?
Will you give me some money?
Will you come over to my house?
Will you help me with this?
Is it okay for this to happen?
(01:28):
Will you do this with me?
Will you give me this?
Will you participate in this?
When you manipulate, you don't give peoplethe right to say yes or no to you.
You literally figure out what it is
that you can do to get this person to do
whatever it is you want, without youasking them.
(01:50):
You don't give them an opportunityto say no.
You manipulate them to say
yes for one simple reason.
You want itand you've got to look out. Why?
Why are you resorting to thatinstead of taking the risk
of asking the person to do it for you
(02:13):
and giving them the opportunity to say no.
So that's the first thing.
So it has to come from somewhere.
What is going on inyou when you're doing it?
Are you fearful that they're going to sayno and you won't be okay?
Are you feeling insecure and needy?
And you have to have these needs met,and you truly do not know
(02:38):
how to handle not having these needs met.
Are you, feeling entitled?
Do you believe that you're entitledto have all your needs met?
That people don't have a right to sayno to you?
You've got to look atwhat is truly going on.
What are the beliefs that you have?
What's behind this manipulation?
(03:00):
A belief means it'skind of like a worldview.
It's kind of like the thingsthat guide your behavior.
I believe I have the rightto have all my needs, but
I believe that other peopledo not have the right to say no to me.
I believe that if I want or needsomething that you,
if you are in a relationship with me,have to do that for me,
(03:23):
or I believe that I will not be okayif someone tells me no.
I believe that I have to have this
or I feel like I'm going to suffocate,or I feel like
I'm going to die, or I feel like I'mnot going to be able to handle it.
I feel like I'm not going to survive.
I feel like I'mI just won't be okay if I don't have this.
(03:48):
And so instead of asking for itand giving the person
a chance to say no, you just are like,I have to get it.
So therefore, I have to make surethat this person gives this to me,
and I'm goingto have to manipulate them to get it.
So is it because you look down on themand you feel that that person doesn't
(04:09):
have a right over their own lifeand over their own choices,
that you operate from a positionof what we call power over
in relationships,where you believe that you have a right
to control the other personand make the person do what you want.
Do you see yourself as superiorto that person?
(04:30):
Are you, just do you just simply disregard
and not care that the person isn'tgoing to have a right to say yes or no?
Do you not care about your effecton people.
I mean, what is itthat's going on with you?
You've got to kind of dig deepand you've got to figure out what is it
that guides you, the belief systembehind your manipulation.
(04:53):
How do you do that?
Start paying attention,paying attention to your thoughts.
Your thoughtswill give you your belief system.
So when you feel annoyed with somebody,or you feel irritated,
or you feel that you need somethingand you're starting to interact
with the person, pay attentionto the thoughts that go through your head.
(05:14):
Is it a thought?
Something to the effect ofI've got to have this,
oh my gosh,I this I can't give this person.
It's got to happen.
There can't be an opportunity.
Is there a voicethat says I deserve this okay.
Or I'm going to get this.
This is mine.
It's kind of like being power over.
(05:34):
Like I deserve it.
It's mine.
No one has the right to tell me no, okay?
Or I'm number one.
Everyone does what I want them to do or.
Oh my gosh, I have to have this.
What is that? Pay attention to thatand figure out
what is the emotionthat goes along with that.
That will really help you.
Now where did this come from?
(05:55):
I mean, you've got to look at that too,because that will help you.
Was it modeled to you?
Was your father or mother manipulative?
Did your fatheror mother manipulate their spouse?
Did your father or mother manipulate you?
Did a grandparent manipulate you?
Did a sibling manipulate you?
(06:16):
did your former spouse manipulate you?
I mean, typically thingsthat we pick up in behavior
come from our childhood,but it can be that you
early on, had this model to youfrom another person
or sibling that really impacted your life,or even a grandparent.
Also, it could be that as a child
(06:37):
you were overindulged,that you were given everything.
This could be sometimes a motherwho is like a single mom,
and you're kind of her world,and she just figures that
she can keep you close to youby just giving you everything you want.
And as soon as you say jump, she jumpsand you say you want something
(07:00):
and you've never learned what's calleddelayed gratification, which is you don't
get what you want right when you want it,and you find out, I'm okay, I can wait.
I can do without it.
I don't have to have it.
Like I can learnhow to handle not having it.
So that's a possibility.
Also, there can be like a,narcissistic attitude where you have a
(07:22):
right to everything and you deserve it,and no one has a right to tell you no.
That is sometimes also an attitude
of peoplewho kind of have abusive patterns.
And then the other possibility is that you
were, as a child, neglected.
And the only way that you got attentionwas to be manipulative.
(07:45):
And this could beyou being manipulative to to get
your basic needs met,like your food and love and attention.
Or it could be that the only way that yougot people to interact to you, with you
and, listen to you or, answer you
or be,present for you was to be manipulative.
(08:08):
Now how are kids manipulative.
Sometimes they have to be really cute,
like, maybe act like the little princessor the little cute girl or.
Or be kind of coy and and, feminineand kind of use that to get what you want.
Or it can just be that you were demandingor you figured out ways
(08:28):
to get people to listenor to get what you want by lying
or by, making them afraid,
by threatening, by saying,I'm going to run away.
I'm going to donot going to be here anymore.
And then the parent gave in and gave youwhat you wanted, or threatened to hurt
someone else, or you threatenedto hurt the parent or do something.
(08:49):
So if you started doing this as a child,then you've got to look at the root
of what was going on in that relationship,the needs
that were not being met for you,how you began
to manipulateand recognize that it starts there.
And oftentimeswhen you've got to get dig into the roots
(09:09):
to change, a patternthat you have as an adult,
you might need therapy, you might needa professional therapist, counselor,
to help you work through thisso that you can be healthier
in your relationshipsbecause manipulative relationships
are not healthy relationships.
Once somebody recognizesthat you are manipulating them,
(09:33):
they will not be happyin that relationship.
They will have to sacrificea part of themselves.
And this will not be an adult
equal relationshipwhere there's shared power
and mutuality and cooperationand goodwill for each other.
(09:53):
So you don't want to be manipulatingand you don't want
to manipulate your children,
because then you're going to teach themto be manipulative.
So remember, the opposite of manipulation
is simply to ask.
Ask for whatyou need to give the other person
the opportunity to say yes or to say no.
(10:17):
So it's kind of
like there is a scripture in Matthew 5:37,I believe it says,
let your yes be yes and your no be no.
And this is like sayinglet the other person
say yes or say no, okay?
They have the right to thatand you will have healthier relationships.
So thank you for watching this videoon Change my Relationship,
(10:40):
and I hope this helps you.
And if you want to work on
not being manipulative, I applaud you.
It is a huge step
toward getting healthyand I would urge you to get whatever
resources to support you that are possiblebecause you are on the road
(11:00):
to becoming emotionallyand relationally healthy.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribe to thesepodcasts and share them with your friends.
Karla would love to hear from you.
She welcomes ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
on how the podcasts have helped your lifeand relationships.
(11:23):
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more informationon Change My Relationship and Karla
Downing's ministry, including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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