October 16, 2025 • 7 mins
Are you willing to lose your relationship to win it back the way it should be? When you know you cannot continue the way things are, you have to decide if you are willing to lose that relationship. When you let the old one go, you may get a new one in its place. #dysfunctionalrelationship #toxicrelationship #selfcare
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/D_13DEw2XLI
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
(00:20):
I'm going to talk to youabout being willing
to lose,to win in relationships.
We have thingsthat we put up with that are
that we would prefer thatwe did not have to put up with.
We have thingsthat are not a big deal to us
that would bother someone else.
And then we have some thingsthat are like the big
(00:43):
deals, the thingsthat we can't put up with,
the things that we can't livewith without losing ourselves,
without living
in such incongruence that it isunhealthy, unhealthy for us.
The things that we knoware not good for us, that will,
you know, just demoralize us
(01:03):
when we get to that placewhere we know
one of those things is happening
and we recognize thatthat is going on.
We make an assessmentand we say, am
I willing to set this boundaryknowing that
I could lose the person,I could lose a relationship?
Some of us will say, yeah, that.
It's just that's a absoluteyou can't cross that line.
(01:26):
That's something I can't livewith.
A lot of people,a lot of fear. The fear of loss.
A fear of abandonment.
The fear of rejection. Fearof being alone.
We'll get to that line
and make a decisionto not take that risk.
Because they are afraidthat they would lose the person
and they can't tolerate that.
You live
in a place of incongruencewith that, where you feel that
(01:49):
your values are here,but you're doing this
and it just feels like you'relosing yourself.
You're out of sorts.
It's just it'svery demoralizing.
It's not good for you.
What's healthy is thatwe're willing to lose, to win.
In other words,those things that we know,
that we know that we can't livewith, that we recognize
(02:11):
that sometimes it's worthlosing a relationship.
I don't knowwhether it's a child,
a parent, a sibling,a friend, a marriage, a partner.
I mean, because of the fact that
we know that
it's not good for usto make that sacrifice.
And it might surprise youto know
(02:31):
that eventhe most dysfunctional person
makes a risk assessmentin their relationship.
They know what the other personwill tolerate.
They know what the other personwill let them get away with.
They know what those things arethat the other person
is just not going to tolerate.
And on the other hand,they know the
(02:52):
things that you will tolerate.
They know the thingsthat they can get away with.
They know if you mean itwhen you say,
that's not okay with me.
I have experience with youand they know who you are.
So it's very importantthat you can set a boundary.
And if you go, if you need thatto enforce that boundary,
(03:13):
that you are willingto stand up for your principles
and that you are willing to losethe relationship,
to win the relationship,to win a healthy relationship,
to win a good relationship,to win a relationship
that makes you feel goodabout yourself to be in.
Now there are timeswhen we make decisions
(03:34):
to put up with thingsthat we would rather not.
There are times when we havea narcissistic adult child
or we have a difficultdaughter in law, or
we have a very difficult siblingthat has problems or a parent.
And there are times
that we make sacrificesand we tolerate things
that we would rathernot tolerate
because of the circumstances.
(03:54):
Or maybe we make a sacrificebecause that's the only way
we can keepour grandkids in our lives.
And that's okay.
Those are choicesthat we get to make.
We we get to make those knowingwhy we're doing what
we're doing.
Knowing the reason,knowing what it's costing us.
Knowingwhere the line actually is
(04:15):
that you can get to where
it doesn't mattereven in a situation like that.
There has to be a point
where when the relationshipgets so toxic,
so unhealthy for you, so
just absolutely overwhelming
and the negative outweighsthe good that we are willing
to come up to that place
where we set a boundarythat requires change
(04:38):
and that we are willing to loseto win.
And maybe it'sto win the relationship.
Maybe it's to win our soulsback.
It's to win ourselves.
It's to win who we areand to be true to ourselves.
So this is an individualsituation.
It's an individual situationfor each relationship
(05:00):
that you're in, in each timeof your life,
each season of your life,each circumstance of your life.
Because things change as timechanges, circumstances change.
Nobody else can tell you
what you have to door what you should do.
It really is up to you.
It's up to you to figure outwhere
those limits are for youand what's good for you.
(05:23):
And of course, to follow yourown conscience with the Lord
and with God, with what
God's telling you to doand God's leading you.
John 1225 says,
Jesus said, anyone wholoves their life will lose it,
while anyone who hates
their life in this worldwill keep it for eternal life.
Well, the same thing, you know,if we're if we love our life,
(05:45):
sometimes we're willingto lose our relationship.
And I'm not applyingthat strict scripture verbatim
to relationshipsbecause Jesus was talking about
losing our lives for serviceto him to be committed to him.
I but I'm saying the principleis the same in relationships.
Sometimes when we well,if we love our life
(06:08):
and we love our relationships,we're willing to lose them
to get what we know we need,which is a healthy relationship
that is good for us.
So thank you for watching thisvideo on Change My relationship.
I hope you'll go to my website,changemyrelationship.com
and check out my studies,
my classes, my videos,and my books
(06:29):
and all the other thingsthat I have there for you.
There's quite a bit there
and that you will continueto watch more YouTube videos.
So thank you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(06:52):
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
(00:20):
I'm going to talk to youabout being willing
to lose,to win in relationships.
We have thingsthat we put up with that are
that we would prefer thatwe did not have to put up with.
We have thingsthat are not a big deal to us
that would bother someone else.
And then we have some thingsthat are like the big
(00:43):
deals, the thingsthat we can't put up with,
the things that we can't livewith without losing ourselves,
without living
in such incongruence that it isunhealthy, unhealthy for us.
The things that we knoware not good for us, that will,
you know, just demoralize us
(01:03):
when we get to that placewhere we know
one of those things is happening
and we recognize thatthat is going on.
We make an assessmentand we say, am
I willing to set this boundaryknowing that
I could lose the person,I could lose a relationship?
Some of us will say, yeah, that.
It's just that's a absoluteyou can't cross that line.
(01:26):
That's something I can't livewith.
A lot of people,a lot of fear. The fear of loss.
A fear of abandonment.
The fear of rejection. Fearof being alone.
We'll get to that line
and make a decisionto not take that risk.
Because they are afraidthat they would lose the person
and they can't tolerate that.
You live
in a place of incongruencewith that, where you feel that
(01:49):
your values are here,but you're doing this
and it just feels like you'relosing yourself.
You're out of sorts.
It's just it'svery demoralizing.
It's not good for you.
What's healthy is thatwe're willing to lose, to win.
In other words,those things that we know,
that we know that we can't livewith, that we recognize
(02:11):
that sometimes it's worthlosing a relationship.
I don't knowwhether it's a child,
a parent, a sibling,a friend, a marriage, a partner.
I mean, because of the fact that
we know that
it's not good for usto make that sacrifice.
And it might surprise youto know
(02:31):
that eventhe most dysfunctional person
makes a risk assessmentin their relationship.
They know what the other personwill tolerate.
They know what the other personwill let them get away with.
They know what those things arethat the other person
is just not going to tolerate.
And on the other hand,they know the
(02:52):
things that you will tolerate.
They know the thingsthat they can get away with.
They know if you mean itwhen you say,
that's not okay with me.
I have experience with youand they know who you are.
So it's very importantthat you can set a boundary.
And if you go, if you need thatto enforce that boundary,
(03:13):
that you are willingto stand up for your principles
and that you are willing to losethe relationship,
to win the relationship,to win a healthy relationship,
to win a good relationship,to win a relationship
that makes you feel goodabout yourself to be in.
Now there are timeswhen we make decisions
(03:34):
to put up with thingsthat we would rather not.
There are times when we havea narcissistic adult child
or we have a difficultdaughter in law, or
we have a very difficult siblingthat has problems or a parent.
And there are times
that we make sacrificesand we tolerate things
that we would rathernot tolerate
because of the circumstances.
(03:54):
Or maybe we make a sacrificebecause that's the only way
we can keepour grandkids in our lives.
And that's okay.
Those are choicesthat we get to make.
We we get to make those knowingwhy we're doing what
we're doing.
Knowing the reason,knowing what it's costing us.
Knowingwhere the line actually is
(04:15):
that you can get to where
it doesn't mattereven in a situation like that.
There has to be a point
where when the relationshipgets so toxic,
so unhealthy for you, so
just absolutely overwhelming
and the negative outweighsthe good that we are willing
to come up to that place
where we set a boundarythat requires change
(04:38):
and that we are willing to loseto win.
And maybe it'sto win the relationship.
Maybe it's to win our soulsback.
It's to win ourselves.
It's to win who we areand to be true to ourselves.
So this is an individualsituation.
It's an individual situationfor each relationship
(05:00):
that you're in, in each timeof your life,
each season of your life,each circumstance of your life.
Because things change as timechanges, circumstances change.
Nobody else can tell you
what you have to door what you should do.
It really is up to you.
It's up to you to figure outwhere
those limits are for youand what's good for you.
(05:23):
And of course, to follow yourown conscience with the Lord
and with God, with what
God's telling you to doand God's leading you.
John 1225 says,
Jesus said, anyone wholoves their life will lose it,
while anyone who hates
their life in this worldwill keep it for eternal life.
Well, the same thing, you know,if we're if we love our life,
(05:45):
sometimes we're willingto lose our relationship.
And I'm not applyingthat strict scripture verbatim
to relationshipsbecause Jesus was talking about
losing our lives for serviceto him to be committed to him.
I but I'm saying the principleis the same in relationships.
Sometimes when we well,if we love our life
(06:08):
and we love our relationships,we're willing to lose them
to get what we know we need,which is a healthy relationship
that is good for us.
So thank you for watching thisvideo on Change My relationship.
I hope you'll go to my website,changemyrelationship.com
and check out my studies,
my classes, my videos,and my books
(06:29):
and all the other thingsthat I have there for you.
There's quite a bit there
and that you will continueto watch more YouTube videos.
So thank you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(06:52):
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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