June 19, 2025 • 10 mins
Zero tolerance for boundary violations is the only way to ensure that you won't continue to encounter the same problems in the future. When you don't enforce consequences when your line is crossed, you go through a predictable process that requires you to start all over again. Watch this video to understand what you have to do to get strong enough to have a zero tolerance for boundary violations. #christianboundaries #zerotolerance #setboundaries
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Watch this video on YouTube: https://youtu.be/KbLL79WbPyw
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
Want to talk to you
about zero toleranceof boundary violations.
(00:22):
Why is that important?
Well, it takes a lot of workto get to the place
where you have a boundary.
It takes all that backand forth of kind of
putting up with itand not sure of what's bothering
you getting upset,then doubting yourself and then
figuring out that, okay,this is really something that
(00:42):
it's not okay, that I will notaccept and will not do.
And it takes so much workthat when you get to that point,
you may be like, oh, I'm so gladI finally set this boundary.
And now I don't I don't have towork at this anymore.
I've gotten rid of thisbehavior.
I said, it's not okay with me.
(01:04):
I'm not going to live with it.
I'm not going to allow itin my house and my relationship.
And now you just relax.
You're just like, it's great.
I can't believeI got to that point.
And here's the problemwith a lot of people.
In fact,
most peoplethat are not healthy,
you are not only going to have
to get to the pointwhere you set your boundary,
(01:25):
you are going to have to followthrough on your boundary
and not allow boundaryviolations.
And you're goingto have to have zero tolerance.
And so what that means is thatyou stand up to any violation,
no matter how small.
You let the consequences comeand you
(01:45):
never make empty threats.
So you have got to.
That's a zero tolerance.
You said that you wouldn't
do something for your childif the child was disrespectful.
Do not do it ever. Not once.
Not. Don't make exceptions.
Don't excuse it.
Don't rationalize it.
Don't let your kid talkyou out of it.
(02:06):
It's just you set it. And that'sthe way that it's going to be.
Obviously, with understanding of
different circumstances.
But basicallywhen you set a boundary,
you're going to you're goingto stand firm in that boundary
and you can change your mindabout boundaries.
You can say,
I said I wouldn't do this,but I've changed my mind
(02:27):
and this is why.
But you can't be wishy washy,especially right after
you set that boundary.
You can't tolerate thatsame thing.
So zero tolerance.
Now, here's what happens whenyou don't have zero tolerance.
You set the boundary.
You state what you will not do
and what you will not tolerate
(02:49):
or allow in your houseor home or life or relationship.
And you have gone
all the way throughwhat is typical to go through,
like the grief cycle of shockthat it's happening and denial,
and then getting angry about itand then going back through
this kind of bargaining if
(03:09):
what if I,I wish I could do this,
trying to talk to the person,explain,
ask the person not to do it.
And then you go through
like sadness where you actuallyget to that grief of that.
Well,this is really happening with
my child really is doing drugs,or my spouse really
is having an affairor I'm, the person is lying or
(03:29):
or are you putting moneysomewhere that, spending it
in a way that was not agreedupon, whatever it is?
And then you
finally get to acceptancewhere you realize that, okay,
this is really happening
and I need to do somethingabout it,
and the boundary iswhat you've decided to do. So
let'ssay that you set a boundary
(03:50):
with some abusive behavior.
Person is discounting you,telling you that you're crazy,
telling you you're sensitive,
not listeningto what you have to say.
Just discounting it,making it worth nothing,
telling you
your feelings are ridiculous andthat that's not how you feel.
So let's say you set a boundaryand you say, I'm not going
to tolerate discounting.
(04:12):
And if it happens,I'm going to call it out,
and I want you to own itand apologize.
And so your firmand that person says,
okay, I'll work on it,I won't discount.
I'll, I'll read a book,I'll let you tell me
or I'll even go to
a couple counseling sessions,
and then the person gets betterfor a little while,
(04:33):
and then the persondiscounts you.
You call it out,and you say that's discounting.
You agreed not to do that.
And then thatperson says, oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't realize I did that.
So a person backs downand then it happens again
and you think, okay,
(04:54):
I'm shockedthat this is happening again.
Person said
it was going to get betterand now it's still happening.
And so you bring it up again
and the person gets annoyedwith you and says,
I wasn't really discounting.
And you say, yes, you were.
And then that person walks awayangry
and then you think, okay,now I tried.
(05:19):
I brought it up.The person didn't admit it.
Now what am I going to do?
Okay, I'm not reallyyou in that place where I want.
I said I wouldn't tolerate it,I don't.
What does that mean?
Does that mean I leave?
Does that meanI end the conversation?
You got to whatever it isthat you said you would do,
you got to do.
But if you allow this person'sbacking down
(05:41):
to get you back in that placeagain, where you're like,
oh my gosh, I have to goall the way back through.
I don't I don't want to do that.
And you just walk away.
You think, oh, I brought it up.
Person didn't denied it.
They're angry.
And then it startshappening again and again.
And then you think, oh,I don't want to bring it up,
because if I bring it up,
I got to deny it againand get angry,
(06:02):
and thenthings are going to be bad.
So you tolerate moreand more and more,
and then all of a sudden
before you back in that place,were you
discountingis happening all the time,
along with other behaviors.
And you bring it up and youperson discounting even more,
you just imagining it.You're crazy.
You're picking on me
and then you'reright back in the place
(06:22):
where you had to go throughall that.
Again, a better option is zerotolerance.
Whatever it was that you saidyou were going to do, you do it.
You don't tolerateviolations of the boundary.
And it doesn't matter if theperson, denies it or whatever.
You'reyou're going to follow through.
And, they're
when somebody is changingbehavior,
(06:44):
there is a timewhere they're going to slip
and they're going to goand do what they said.
what you saidyou wanted them to change,
but they have to be willingto acknowledge it, continue
to work on it and apologizewhen it happens.
If there's denial,if there's anger,
if there's rationalization,if there's excusing,
(07:06):
and if the frequency of thatbehavior is getting more
rather than less, then you have,that's all boundary
violationsthat you need to follow up.
And, whatever it was that's
like your next stepor your consequences.
2 Corinthians 11:19-21 says,
(07:27):
you gladly put up with foolssince you are so wise.
In fact,you even put up with anyone
who enslaves you or exploitsyou, or takes advantage of you,
or puts on airs or slapsyou in the face.
To my shame, I admit thatwe were too weak for that.
That's Apostle Paul talkingjust basic, basically saying,
(07:47):
you just you tolerate whateveranybody wants to do to you
and you don't stand up.
Psalm55:21 says his talk is smooth
as butter, yetwar is in his heart.
His words are more
soothing than oil, yetthey are drawn swords.
And that doesn't mean thatwe're always talking about men.
1 Corinthians 10:12.
So if you think you are
(08:08):
standing firm,be careful that you don't fall.
Whoa!
That is a huge,
huge, important verseto take into consideration.
Be careful that you don't fall.
If you think you're standingfirm, you got to maintain
that firmness and work on it,especially when you're
with peoplewho are unhealthy and are not
(08:31):
in and ofthemselves, able to figure out
how to be healthyin a relationship
and how to treat you right,or how to do what is right
in their own lives.
So, I hope thatthis idea of zero
tolerance will kind of
resonate with youand that you'll be able to,
(08:52):
help you with your boundaries
and help youto stick to your boundaries.
So thank you for watchingthis video on Change
My Relationship,and I hope that you will,
sharethis with people that you know
that are strugglingwith their boundaries.
And also, you know,I have a five week
boundary class
that is offered on zoom, andyou can also do it on your own.
(09:14):
So that is in my store,and we'll put the link down
in the bottom,to the video notes.
So thank you for watching.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(09:37):
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
You'relistening to an audio recording
by Change My Relationship,featuring licensed marriage
and family therapistand author Karla Downing.
These audios are designedto provide you
with practical solutionsbased on biblical truths
for all your relationships.
Want to talk to you
about zero toleranceof boundary violations.
(00:22):
Why is that important?
Well, it takes a lot of workto get to the place
where you have a boundary.
It takes all that backand forth of kind of
putting up with itand not sure of what's bothering
you getting upset,then doubting yourself and then
figuring out that, okay,this is really something that
(00:42):
it's not okay, that I will notaccept and will not do.
And it takes so much workthat when you get to that point,
you may be like, oh, I'm so gladI finally set this boundary.
And now I don't I don't have towork at this anymore.
I've gotten rid of thisbehavior.
I said, it's not okay with me.
(01:04):
I'm not going to live with it.
I'm not going to allow itin my house and my relationship.
And now you just relax.
You're just like, it's great.
I can't believeI got to that point.
And here's the problemwith a lot of people.
In fact,
most peoplethat are not healthy,
you are not only going to have
to get to the pointwhere you set your boundary,
(01:25):
you are going to have to followthrough on your boundary
and not allow boundaryviolations.
And you're goingto have to have zero tolerance.
And so what that means is thatyou stand up to any violation,
no matter how small.
You let the consequences comeand you
(01:45):
never make empty threats.
So you have got to.
That's a zero tolerance.
You said that you wouldn't
do something for your childif the child was disrespectful.
Do not do it ever. Not once.
Not. Don't make exceptions.
Don't excuse it.
Don't rationalize it.
Don't let your kid talkyou out of it.
(02:06):
It's just you set it. And that'sthe way that it's going to be.
Obviously, with understanding of
different circumstances.
But basicallywhen you set a boundary,
you're going to you're goingto stand firm in that boundary
and you can change your mindabout boundaries.
You can say,
I said I wouldn't do this,but I've changed my mind
(02:27):
and this is why.
But you can't be wishy washy,especially right after
you set that boundary.
You can't tolerate thatsame thing.
So zero tolerance.
Now, here's what happens whenyou don't have zero tolerance.
You set the boundary.
You state what you will not do
and what you will not tolerate
(02:49):
or allow in your houseor home or life or relationship.
And you have gone
all the way throughwhat is typical to go through,
like the grief cycle of shockthat it's happening and denial,
and then getting angry about itand then going back through
this kind of bargaining if
(03:09):
what if I,I wish I could do this,
trying to talk to the person,explain,
ask the person not to do it.
And then you go through
like sadness where you actuallyget to that grief of that.
Well,this is really happening with
my child really is doing drugs,or my spouse really
is having an affairor I'm, the person is lying or
(03:29):
or are you putting moneysomewhere that, spending it
in a way that was not agreedupon, whatever it is?
And then you
finally get to acceptancewhere you realize that, okay,
this is really happening
and I need to do somethingabout it,
and the boundary iswhat you've decided to do. So
let'ssay that you set a boundary
(03:50):
with some abusive behavior.
Person is discounting you,telling you that you're crazy,
telling you you're sensitive,
not listeningto what you have to say.
Just discounting it,making it worth nothing,
telling you
your feelings are ridiculous andthat that's not how you feel.
So let's say you set a boundaryand you say, I'm not going
to tolerate discounting.
(04:12):
And if it happens,I'm going to call it out,
and I want you to own itand apologize.
And so your firmand that person says,
okay, I'll work on it,I won't discount.
I'll, I'll read a book,I'll let you tell me
or I'll even go to
a couple counseling sessions,
and then the person gets betterfor a little while,
(04:33):
and then the persondiscounts you.
You call it out,and you say that's discounting.
You agreed not to do that.
And then thatperson says, oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't realize I did that.
So a person backs downand then it happens again
and you think, okay,
(04:54):
I'm shockedthat this is happening again.
Person said
it was going to get betterand now it's still happening.
And so you bring it up again
and the person gets annoyedwith you and says,
I wasn't really discounting.
And you say, yes, you were.
And then that person walks awayangry
and then you think, okay,now I tried.
(05:19):
I brought it up.The person didn't admit it.
Now what am I going to do?
Okay, I'm not reallyyou in that place where I want.
I said I wouldn't tolerate it,I don't.
What does that mean?
Does that mean I leave?
Does that meanI end the conversation?
You got to whatever it isthat you said you would do,
you got to do.
But if you allow this person'sbacking down
(05:41):
to get you back in that placeagain, where you're like,
oh my gosh, I have to goall the way back through.
I don't I don't want to do that.
And you just walk away.
You think, oh, I brought it up.
Person didn't denied it.
They're angry.
And then it startshappening again and again.
And then you think, oh,I don't want to bring it up,
because if I bring it up,
I got to deny it againand get angry,
(06:02):
and thenthings are going to be bad.
So you tolerate moreand more and more,
and then all of a sudden
before you back in that place,were you
discountingis happening all the time,
along with other behaviors.
And you bring it up and youperson discounting even more,
you just imagining it.You're crazy.
You're picking on me
and then you'reright back in the place
(06:22):
where you had to go throughall that.
Again, a better option is zerotolerance.
Whatever it was that you saidyou were going to do, you do it.
You don't tolerateviolations of the boundary.
And it doesn't matter if theperson, denies it or whatever.
You'reyou're going to follow through.
And, they're
when somebody is changingbehavior,
(06:44):
there is a timewhere they're going to slip
and they're going to goand do what they said.
what you saidyou wanted them to change,
but they have to be willingto acknowledge it, continue
to work on it and apologizewhen it happens.
If there's denial,if there's anger,
if there's rationalization,if there's excusing,
(07:06):
and if the frequency of thatbehavior is getting more
rather than less, then you have,that's all boundary
violationsthat you need to follow up.
And, whatever it was that's
like your next stepor your consequences.
2 Corinthians 11:19-21 says,
(07:27):
you gladly put up with foolssince you are so wise.
In fact,you even put up with anyone
who enslaves you or exploitsyou, or takes advantage of you,
or puts on airs or slapsyou in the face.
To my shame, I admit thatwe were too weak for that.
That's Apostle Paul talkingjust basic, basically saying,
(07:47):
you just you tolerate whateveranybody wants to do to you
and you don't stand up.
Psalm55:21 says his talk is smooth
as butter, yetwar is in his heart.
His words are more
soothing than oil, yetthey are drawn swords.
And that doesn't mean thatwe're always talking about men.
1 Corinthians 10:12.
So if you think you are
(08:08):
standing firm,be careful that you don't fall.
Whoa!
That is a huge,
huge, important verseto take into consideration.
Be careful that you don't fall.
If you think you're standingfirm, you got to maintain
that firmness and work on it,especially when you're
with peoplewho are unhealthy and are not
(08:31):
in and ofthemselves, able to figure out
how to be healthyin a relationship
and how to treat you right,or how to do what is right
in their own lives.
So, I hope thatthis idea of zero
tolerance will kind of
resonate with youand that you'll be able to,
(08:52):
help you with your boundaries
and help youto stick to your boundaries.
So thank you for watchingthis video on Change
My Relationship,and I hope that you will,
sharethis with people that you know
that are strugglingwith their boundaries.
And also, you know,I have a five week
boundary class
that is offered on zoom, andyou can also do it on your own.
(09:14):
So that is in my store,and we'll put the link down
in the bottom,to the video notes.
So thank you for watching.
God bless you.
Thank you for listeningto Change My Relationship.
We hope you will subscribeto these podcasts
and share themwith your friends.
Karlawould love to hear from you.
She welcomes
ideas for a future podcast,as well as your feedback
(09:37):
on how the podcasts have helpedyour life and relationships.
You can email her at.
karla@changemyrelationship.com
For more information on
Change My Relationship and KarlaDowning's ministry,
including her books,studies, devotionals, podcasts
and YouTube videosvisit changemyrelationship.com.
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