November 28, 2024 • 48 mins
This week on Chapter Blue, Tyra welcomes Stan Partlow, a retired police commander and corporate security leader, for a candid conversation about leadership, mental health, and life after law enforcement. With 25 years in law enforcement and another 15 years in corporate security, Stan has a wealth of experience and wisdom to share. He opens up about the challenges of transitioning from policing to the private sector and how he has used those lessons to help others through his book, Leading Relentlessly.
The episode focuses on the importance of mental health support for officers, the shortcomings of traditional leadership styles, and the need for modern leaders to adapt to changing times. Stan also shares valuable perspectives on balancing personal relationships with the demands of a high-stress career. His reflections on work-life balance, family dynamics, and the evolving nature of law enforcement leadership resonate deeply with the realities officers face every day.
Whether you’re a new officer, a seasoned leader, or someone interested in the intersection of leadership and mental health, this episode offers something for everyone. Join Tyra and Stan as they discuss the challenges and triumphs of a life dedicated to service—and the steps we can take to ensure the next generation of officers is better supported and equipped to thrive.
Books Mentioned:
- "Ego is the Enemy" by Ryan Holiday
- "Leading Relentlessly" by Stan Partlow (the guest's book)
- Simon Sinek's Work on Leadership - While not a book title, the podcast references Simon Sinek’s teachings, particularly his concept of finding your "why." Sinek's popular books include "Start with Why" and "Leaders Eat Last."
Resources:
Firstrespondersbridge.org
Contact:
Stan Partlow (LinkedIn)
sepjr505@gmail.com
Let us know what you loved about this episode!
Fit For Shift is a first responder focused wellness app for health, fitness, and community. Sign up now for a 3-day free trial. First responder credentials are required to join.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Tyra Valeriano (00:01):
Welcome to Chapter Blue, the podcast where
we discuss the world of lawenforcement through an honest
conversation on tough orcontroversial topics, real
stories, perspectives andexperience from officers all
around the world.
Whether you're here forinsights on mental health,
self-care, work-life balance,getting into law enforcement,
getting out of law enforcement,or just trying to learn about
(00:21):
personal and professionalchallenges officers face every
day, you've come to the rightplace.
I'm your host, tyra Valeriano,and whether I'm going solo or
speaking with a guest, eachepisode will discuss different
aspects of life behind the badge.
Let's turn the page and stepinto Chapter Blue.
Hey, everyone, welcome back toChapter Blue.
I'm excited about today'sepisode because we have a very
(00:44):
special guest joining us.
But before I introduce myguests, I wanted to give you
guys a huge thank you toeverybody who supported my first
episode, whether you tuned in,shared a post, shared the
podcast, or even to those whoprovided a review.
I am truly grateful for eachand every single one of you.
The support does not gounnoticed.
I also wanted to thank my firstsponsor, tafco Windows out of
(01:07):
El Paso, texas.
Tafco Windows has served thecustomers of El Paso and the
surrounding area for over 50years, so please reach out to
them if you have any windowedneeds and you are in the area.
Now for today's episode, Iwanted to welcome Stan Partlow,
who is out of Ohio.
He has served 25 years in lawenforcement and he transitioned
(01:28):
into the corporate securityworld for an additional 15 years
, and he even published a book.
So, without further ado, goodmorning, stan.
Thank you so much for your timetoday.
I'm really happy to have you onthe podcast.
How are you?
Stan Partlow (01:43):
I'm great, tyra, thank you for having me and
thank you for your leadershipand putting this together to try
to share a message out there toour first responder community
that they probably need to hear.
Tyra Valeriano (01:55):
I agree.
Will you give our listeners abrief introduction about who you
are and what your background isin law enforcement?
Stan Partlow (02:03):
Sure, I'm an old guy, started in law enforcement
in 1980 and retired in 2005.
Spent 21 years with the city ofColumbus in Ohio and retired as
a commander, and I also, duringmy career, spent four years as
a special agent with the FBI.
I left law enforcement in 2005and went to the private sector
(02:26):
and became a security directorand then ultimately a vice
president, chief securityofficer for one of the largest
electric utility companies inthe United States, and retired
about four years ago.
So after 40 years I decidedthat that was enough, so I went
ahead and retired.
So I am the middle of threegenerations of Columbus police
(02:48):
officers.
My dad started in 1961 andretired in 1986.
And my oldest daughter and herhusband are both currently
serving.
So I think I added it up lastnight we're about 79 years of
combined service in the lawenforcement community.
So I'm very proud of them andwas very proud to follow in my
(03:09):
dad's footsteps as well.
Tyra Valeriano (03:11):
Wow, that's great.
That's a lot of history in thefamily and that's definitely
something to keep going.
Is there any more kids in thefamily that want to be police
officers?
Stan Partlow (03:23):
Nope.
I don't know about thegrandchildren.
We'll see.
I have five grandchildren.
We'll see if we get a fourthgeneration out of that.
But my other two daughters haveno interest in that.
My middle daughter is a teacherand she's serving in that way,
and my youngest daughter hasDown syndrome and she is the
(03:43):
queen of the family.
All you have to do is ask herand she'll tell you she's in
charge.
So we ought to pretty muchfollow what she says, and then
everything else seems to workitself out.
Tyra Valeriano (03:52):
I appreciate you sharing that with us.
I actually wanted to ask youhow has it been since you've
been retired I mean that's along time having a history in
law enforcement and thenswitching sectors.
How has it been since you'vebeen out of work?
Stan Partlow (04:05):
switching sectors.
How has it been since you'vebeen out of work?
I'm very proud of both of mycareers.
I was very blessed in that Ihad a chance to lead in two very
different environments and, youknow, one of the messages that
I would share with yourlisteners is that, for those of
you that are in law enforcementleadership, you know one of the
things you really need to thinkabout is whether that leadership
is number one, the mosteffective in your current job,
(04:29):
and number two, if you decide todo something later, will it
really translate to that nextmove?
And I would submit to you thatwhat I learned over my 40 years
27 of that was in a formalleadership role was that?
The answer to that is no of thatwas in a formal leadership role
.
Was that?
The answer to that is no.
If you focus solely on commandand control when number one, it
(04:50):
will not be very effective foryou in your current job.
And I say that because I thinkthe game has changed.
Law enforcement officers oftoday are much different than
the ones of 1980, certainly muchdifferent than the ones of 1961
.
The ones of 1980, certainlymuch different than the ones of
1961.
And as I watched my dad'sgeneration, my generation and
(05:13):
now my kids.
I recognize that that oldcommand and control idea of I've
got more stuff up here than youdo and you're just going to
blindly follow what I say reallydoesn't work, and I think
that's one of the reasons whywe're seeing a lot of people
leave mid-career because of theleadership or lack thereof that
is at those agencies.
So I would say to those lawenforcement leaders out there
(05:36):
that are currently leading thinkabout the way you're leading
and think about getting into amuch more collaborative style
and get away from that commandand control Again.
As police leaders you're alwaysgoing to have to use some
command and control.
When you go out to a hostagebarricade, you're in charge.
You're going to set the rulesfor engagement, if you will, for
(05:58):
that event.
You go out to a crime scene amajor traffic crash that's your
job.
But most of the decisions thatyou make as a leader don't fall
in that category.
You go out to a crime scene amajor traffic crash that's your
job.
But most of the decisions thatyou make as a leader don't fall
in that category.
Most of them, you couldcollaborate, you could get
opinions, you could help peopleunderstand why you need to do
this, instead of just sayingyou're going to do it because I
(06:18):
told you so, so let's circlethat all the way around.
In my career, I went through theprivate sector for 15 years and
I can tell you emphaticallythat that command and control
style would not have worked, forI would not have lasted six
months or a year if I had triedto use that style in a major
(06:40):
corporation.
My company was about a Fortune150 company, 25,000 employees
spread across 11 states.
That style would not have madeit so.
One thing I would share withyour listeners, those of you
that are in leadership rolesthink about the way you're doing
it and thinking about how youcan be the most effective today,
but also prepare yourself fortomorrow, because you may want
(07:03):
to leave that career eithermid-career or at the end after
service retirement and you're,you know, in your early 50s and
you say, wow, I've got another10 years of work left before I
want to really retire.
I'm like, what am I going to do?
And so you know you're best toprepare yourself for that.
Tyra Valeriano (07:22):
You know.
I want to go back to what youwere talking about.
When it comes to leadership, Ithink that this is something
that's controversial and it'sbecause of the way things are in
today's society.
So, for example, we have socialmedia, we have access to the
internet, and it's putting a lotof information out there.
That is kind of makingleadership.
I don't know if it's changingwith the times and the
(07:44):
generations, but you also stillhave leadership that's in
agencies that are very oldschool, right, so they're still
stuck in those ways and they'renot willing to adapt.
I want to know what youropinion is.
Do you think that those leadersneed to adapt so that
leadership can change down theline, or do you think that it's
(08:05):
just too far gone, thatleadership is just going to have
to start from the bottom?
Stan Partlow (08:10):
No, I think leaders are capable of adapting.
I really do.
I think you.
You know number one you have toget out of your own way.
I'm a big proponent of stoicismand there's a gentleman out
there named, named Ryan Holiday,who wrote a book called Ego is
the Enemy, and I really believethat.
You know, most of the decisionsthat we make that get us in
(08:32):
trouble are because of our ownego, and one of the my favorite
quotes is Albert Einstein oncesaid that the true measure of a
man is his ability to subjugatehis own ego.
So, as a law enforcement leader, if you can put your ego in
your back pocket, read RyanHoliday's Ego is the Enemy,
figure out how to do that.
You recognize pretty quicklythat there are people out there
(08:53):
that know how to do their work.
You really just need to get outof their way.
You need to support them.
You need to explain things tothem differently than again in
my era or my father's era andthere's nothing wrong with that.
It could still be effective.
Like I said, if I looked overmy 25-year law enforcement
(09:14):
career and over half of that wasspent in formal leadership
roles the amount of decisionsthat I had to make that were
what I would call emergencydecisions, where I had to take
command and be in control wereminuscule compared to the
overall number of decisions thatI had to make.
So I'm very proud of the factthat I can honestly say this.
(09:35):
In my whole law enforcementsupervisory career, I gave one
direct order one and that was asituation where I was a
lieutenant.
I had a sergeant reporting tome.
The deputy chief wanted someinformation.
This guy didn't believe that heneeded to give the information.
We went around and around.
I asked him a couple of times.
(09:56):
He drug his feet and finally Igave him an order and I said if
you don't do this, I'm going tocharge you with insubordination.
I'm going to charge you withinsubordination.
I looked at that as aleadership failure on my part.
I hated that.
We ended up talking a lot aboutit after the fact and we came
to an understanding.
But I would much rather go toyou and say hey, tyra, would you
(10:18):
mind doing this, or would youplease do that?
I don't need to give you anorder and I don't need to tell
you who I am.
You know who I am If I'm thesergeant, the lieutenant, the
commander, the chief, whatever.
It's not a mystery to you thatI'm asking you to do something.
So when I would send peoplenotes, I would never sign my
rank on them.
I got in trouble with my bossone time because I would just
(10:40):
put my initials on there or Iwould just say it was from Stan.
He's like you can't do that.
You know that that doesn'tfollow the military protocol.
And I said well, number one,we're not in the military, we're
paramilitary, so we'll, we'lltake that with a grain of salt.
Number two when I send you anote.
You know who I am.
Why do I need to tell you thatI'm stan, first and foremost,
(11:02):
but secondly, I might becommander part lowlo.
That's true, but I don't needto rub your nose in that.
I just need to tell you.
Hey, would you mind doing this?
I appreciate it, and so mycompromise with him was I would
just use my initials, because hedidn't like me using my first
name, so I would just put SCP atthe end of the thing and be
done with it.
The bottom again.
(11:24):
For me, your question iscritical.
I think the number one thingthat we can do as leaders in the
business, if you will, in lawenforcement, to stem the flow of
people leaving mid-career is todo a better job of being
leaders.
(11:50):
do a better job of being leaders, you know in my era from 1980
to 2005, no one left the careerat 10 years 5 years, 15 years.
Nobody did that.
If you did that, you only didit for a couple reasons.
One, you got hurt and youcouldn't do the job anymore.
Or two, you probably got fired.
People at least stayed to gettheir 20, 25 years.
Whatever their pension numberwas, they stayed that long.
So I think law enforcementleaders are foolish if they
(12:13):
don't take stock of their ownagencies and say why do I have
really good people that aregetting out of this profession
before that service retirementdate?
There has to be a reason forthat, because I could tell you
over my history, over my dad'shistory, so we go back 50 plus
years.
That didn't happen.
(12:33):
So something is different today.
Certainly, to your point, socialmedia contributes to this.
The viewpoint of the public forus communicates to it or
contributes to it.
But I will tell you thathappened in my dad's career.
My dad lived through the civilrights era, the vietnam war
protest.
I lived through rodney king.
(12:54):
There's been times throughouthistory that the citizenry that
we serve has not been happy withus.
That's, that's constant in thisjob, right?
But I think the difference toyour very point is that the
leadership has not figured outhow to effectively lead the
officers of the day and if theydon't figure that out, their
(13:16):
departments are not going toflourish and people are going to
consistently leave and they'regoing to have a hard time
recruiting people to come in andfill those roles.
So I believe that leaders haveto really take stock of
themselves, figure out what theyneed to do to change and then
go change it.
Tyra Valeriano (13:32):
Right, you know there's a lot of really good
topics that I want to get intoon this and I hope we have
enough time.
But one of the things thatleaders or agencies tend to do
is they promote new hires.
They're not focused onretention, they're focused on
bringing people in and a lot ofthe good officers or the people
who have experience are leavingbecause they're not getting any
(13:53):
kind of incentive to stay withthe agency and they kind of feel
ran over, they don't feelappreciated, and you know that's
part of okay.
Is this the leadership aspector is this out of desperation?
And at what point are you goingto separate?
You know, hey, we still have toresolve the issue of leadership
.
So you know, the retentionissue is a completely separate
(14:14):
issue, but it also ties into howare we going to keep our people
, and you know you can keepgiving people pay raises.
They might want to stay for alittle bit, but there are so
many other factors that aregoing to cause them to leave,
because money doesn't fix what'sgoing on in the agency.
Stan Partlow (14:30):
Amen.
I mean.
There's a lot of research outthere that money is an
interesting dynamic.
It's actually a the socialscientists call it a hygiene
factor.
Money will cause you to leave aprofession, but very rarely
will it cause you to stay in one.
And, as you said, it's verytemporary, right?
Because if you get a raise,when is it ever enough?
(14:52):
So you get that dollar an hourraise and you think, wow, you
know, I got this big raise.
And then six months later, youknow the groceries and the
gasoline have gone up and eatenaway at that money and you're
like, well, I'm no further ahead.
People stay in jobs because ofsomething they want to do.
They stay in jobs because ofthe people that they work with
and the people that they workfor and, to your point, that's
(15:14):
where you got to focus yourenergy and that's what you have
to fix.
Just throwing money at peopleis really not going to make them
stay.
Now there are some goldenhandcuffs out there where there
are people in their career thatare close enough to retirement
that they're like I can't leaveuntil I get that date.
But what I think you're seeingis people that get five or six
(15:34):
years on are saying you knowwhat?
This is not what I thought itwas going to be, and if I'm
going to get out now is the timeto get out.
Not when I have 18 years on andI'm a couple of years away from
securing a pension, or 22 yearson or whatever, depending upon
where you live, what yourpension date is.
But I think you're absolutelyright.
(15:55):
You know, we need to figurethat out pretty quickly and we
need to go become better leaders.
Become better leaders.
One of the things that I'vedone since I retired was I
actually followed a challenge.
I lost my wife four years agoand one of the things that she
always challenged me to do whenshe was healthy was, you know,
(16:17):
to write a book.
Because she said, all you everdo is talk about leadership, you
think about leadership, youread all the books about
leadership.
We would go on vacation and I'dload three or four books on my.
Kindle that were you know,leadership.
Biographies of you know leadersthat I respected, so so I
actually did it, and about ayear ago I published a book
(16:38):
called Leading Relentlessly, andI tried to take the messages
that I learned in my lawenforcement career and my
private sector career and createsomething that people could
look at and say, wow, maybethere's a different way that I
could learn to lead.
I don't pretend that I have allthe answers, but what I hope
(16:59):
the book does for people thatdecide to read it is that it
forces them to ask themselvessome questions around their
leadership style and whetherit's as effective as it could be
.
Tyra Valeriano (17:11):
Right.
Another issue that obviouslywe're seeing is mental health,
and I'm curious if this issueback in the day, when you were a
police officer, was this as bigof as an issue that it is today
.
Was it something that was sweptunder the rug back then, or was
this not as common as it istoday?
Stan Partlow (17:30):
No, I think it absolutely existed.
And, again, I grew up in apolice family.
My dad started when I was threeyears old, so I used to see
these guys come to the house allthe time and, you know, knew
their families because we didthings together.
Um, I would say that the way umlaw enforcement officers dealt
(17:52):
with the issue was muchdifferent than the way they deal
with it today.
Um, they used choir practice,bud light therapy, whatever you
want to call it.
Um, I think our our alcoholismrate, back in my dad's era
especially, was huge.
You had a lot of people comingback to vietnam who had a lot of
(18:13):
stress, um, that they didn'tget any support at all from the
military.
Then they became policeofficers.
They were thrown back into thefire, if you you will, with even
more stress and trauma.
I think you see the same thingtoday, with many of our folks
coming out of the military.
You know they, although thereis more support for them than
there was 40, 50 years ago.
(18:35):
But I think the problem hasexisted.
I think we're doing a betterjob of recognizing it today.
But again.
I think it comes down toleadership.
If you are a chief or you're acaptain or you're a commander or
a lieutenant or whatever it is,you are on your agency.
The shadow that you cast ismore important than any words
(18:56):
that ever come out of your mouth.
So if you have a policy thatsays you know we're going to
support officers, mental healthissues and we're going to have
counseling or this or that, butyou don't actually do it, then
you might as well not have thepolicy at all.
So I think it's another one ofthose scenarios where, in my era
(19:17):
, many times the older leadersthat we had would just say look,
suck it up.
You know, you signed up forthis, you knew it was going to
be this, you knew it was goingto be bad, you knew it was going
to be nasty.
You just need to suck it up andmove on.
I think a leader today sayingthat same thing is irresponsible
, and I believe that you knowthat they in fact have to fix
(19:39):
themselves first.
The one other comment that Iwould make on this whole mental
health idea is that make surethat you are dealing with your
trauma as you think aboutleaving the environment.
If you believe that gettingaway from your job is going to
(19:59):
stop the trauma, in my humbleopinion you're wrong.
The trauma is there.
In my humble opinion, you'rewrong.
The trauma is there and you cantalk to anyone that's
(20:22):
experienced trauma and is as oldas I can manage it, but it's
still there.
Anyone that served in themilitary would tell you the same
thing.
It's there until they don'tbreathe anymore.
So if you think that you'regoing to run away, if you will,
from that trauma by leaving theprofession, you're wrong.
You've got to deal with it.
I'm not saying you shouldn'tget away from the profession.
(20:45):
That's not what I'm saying andI don't want anybody to mishear
that.
But as you leave, you have torecognize a couple of things.
Number one the trauma follows.
You doesn't go away.
And number two, and one that Ithink people don't think about,
is when you remove yourself fromthe profession, either through
resignation or retirement, youjust cut off one of your very
(21:08):
important support networks.
So you think about that run,that you went on when you were a
police officer and it was ugly,whatever it was traffic crash,
firing out, you know, shooting,whatever it was.
You went back to the station andyou sat around the table with
people that had been throughthat same kind of experience and
(21:29):
you talked about it or youcalled your buddy on the way
home or your old partner, yourfto or whoever it was, and you
had that instant connection withpeople who understood what you
had been through and you leanedon each other and that's a
beautiful thing.
But here's the reality when youleave, you don't have that same
(21:50):
connection, even if you stillhave friends left on the
department.
It's never going to be the same.
It's never going to be the sameas going back, turning your car
keys in, you know, taking your,your gear off and sitting down
and decompressing with yourfriends, or maybe literally
going out and having a beer,whatever it takes to make that
happen.
(22:10):
It's never going to be the same.
And I can tell you frompersonal experience that if I
gone into my private sectorworld and sat down at the
lunchroom table at americanelectric power, where I work,
and talked about an incidentthat happened in my police
career, people would have lookedat me like I had three heads,
because they don't understandthat and that's not being
(22:32):
demeaning to them, just they'venever lived it.
And so you know, we have a wayof talking with each other,
supporting each othercommunicating with each other
and once you decide to leave toone degree or another, you lose
that.
So the two messages that Iwould say for people that are
thinking about leaving are onemake sure you keep working on
(22:53):
your trauma.
Don't think that just becauseyou walked out the door it'll go
away.
And number two, if you can tryto stay connected with people
that understand you.
But if you can't do that, makesure you find somebody out there
that does understand you.
Maybe that's a therapist, maybeit's another peer counselor,
it's somebody else who can helpyou navigate through that
(23:17):
process.
Tyra Valeriano (23:18):
Yeah, that's great advice.
I actually can relate to that.
I know my retirement is not thesame as everyone else's, but
that is something that, even tothis day, I struggle with.
And a part of that is alsoidentity, because a lot of us
become our job.
We identify as a police officer.
You know, this is who I am,this is what I'm proud to be and
, regardless of what society maybe thinking about law
(23:38):
enforcement or police officersin general, you're still proud
of what you've accomplished andwhat you've done.
And to pull away from that andknow that you're trying to make
new friends or you're trying toconnect back with your family if
you haven't done that already,it's very difficult to do and
sometimes that dark humorlingers.
So when somebody that I don'tknow, who's never been a police
(23:59):
officer, is asking me hey, tellme some of the stories that you
know you went to it's, it's kindof uncomfortable because you
know they're going to look atyou like you're crazy and you
might still find something funnythat they they're not going to
think is funny.
So now you're just the weirdothat nobody wants to talk to,
and I definitely can relate tothat.
Touching on dealing with yourtrauma in law enforcement and
(24:20):
tying that into leadership.
One of the things that Inoticed as a patrol sergeant is
I had a couple guys who had someissues that were not work
related.
They were dealing with a lot ofstuff and I didn't have any
resources to give them.
You have the EAP program, whicheverybody's familiar with, and
after what three sessions yougot to pay.
So even as a leader, you knowthey have to go in there and
(24:41):
figure out what kind ofresources are we going to make
available, readily available forofficers where they don't have
to go searching for somebody tohelp them.
And now that the conversationhas come up, we're trying to
find and build those resourcesso that officers don't have to
go looking for it.
What do you think new leadersin the field should consider
(25:02):
when it comes to finding thoseresources or providing that to
their officers?
Stan Partlow (25:07):
So that's a great point, tyra, because police
officers by their very natureare paranoid.
Most of them are not going toavail themselves of the EAP
program that their departmenthas and in some cases I would
submit that the EAP program isreally not a good fit for them,
because these folks that staffthat phone line are not trauma
(25:31):
counselors that understand firstresponder or military trauma,
which is its own animal right asyou described it.
You know, you've seen and donethings that the average person
hasn't done with, hasn't donewhen you think about what he
might do for an employee.
It may be.
I've got an elderly parent I'mcaring for.
(25:52):
Okay, that's a form of trauma.
Maybe my spouse is sick, that'sa form of trauma.
Maybe I have an addiction issue.
Those are all legitimate formsof trauma that need to be dealt
with.
That's not the kind of traumathat first responders go through
.
The sad stress is has no realbackground of PTSD.
(26:32):
So one of the things I thinkpolice leaders really need to
think about is and I find in mycommunity some people that
understand the first responderand military mindset and there
are people out there now thatare specializing in that field
and but you're going to have tolook for them to your point, you
(26:55):
know, and just say, well, thecity has an EAP program, it's
not going to get it because,think about it, the city is
bigger than the policedepartment, right, it's bigger
than the fire department, it'sthe whole city, however many
employees, that is, they'regoing to pick an EAP program,
probably through some insurancecarrier, that's designed to deal
with the masses, not designedto deal with the trauma that you
(27:17):
might have experienced on thejob or a firefighter might have
experienced on the job or mighthave experienced on the job.
So I think it's incumbent uponthe leaders to go out and try to
find those people.
There are definitely peersupport people that are not
licensed therapists that are outthere, and you may even
consider, if you're a leader inyour agency, if we start a peer
(27:37):
support team within ourdepartment or for a small agency
.
Could we partner up with acommunity with maybe several
smaller agencies and create thispeer support program?
Because oftentimes that'sreally what first responders
want, right?
They really don't want to gotalk to the licensed therapist,
they want to talk to somebodywho's going to tell them exactly
(28:00):
what you just said to me.
It's okay to feel that way,you're not crazy.
That's what they want to hear,right?
They want to hear Look, I'mfeeling this weird thing right
now, where, you know, I walkedinto this room and I smelled
something that took me back to ahouse fire that I had to go in
and I had to pull somebody outand somebody died there.
(28:20):
Maybe it was a child Normalpeople don't put up with that,
they don't deal with that.
Maybe it was a child Normalpeople don't put up with that,
they don't deal with that.
That's something that's goingto be in your psyche for the
rest of your life and you weretriggered by whatever that
stimulus was and you just wantto look at somebody across the
table and say, man, I'm reallyfeeling horrible about this.
And that person says to youokay, you're not crazy, I've
(28:42):
been the same, been in the sameplace.
So I think your point's welltaken that, as leaders, if we're
really going to embrace thisidea of mental health, it's more
than just saying well, the cityhas an EAP program.
I need to go out there and find, and you know, start with the
Google search, start with peersupport programs, and there are
some national programs out therethat, um, uh, you know that,
(29:06):
help people out there's, um, youknow, save a warrior.
Um, and I am actually sit onthe board of directors of a
group called the firstresponders bridge.
Uh, that's here in ohio, but weserve uh people nationwide, and
one of the things that I reallyfeel very proud of is that the
bridge offers weekend seminarsfor first responders and their
(29:27):
significant others, because werecognize the impact that this
career can have on a family sowhat?
we do.
We invite you and yoursignificant other.
The only thing you have to payfor is your travel expenses.
Once you get here, we put youup in a marriott, we have
speakers, we feed you.
Uh, you're there from fridayafternoon until sunday afternoon
(29:49):
and we have had many, manypeople tell us that you know,
this experience saved theirmarriages, it saved their career
.
In some cases it may have savedtheir lives.
So there are programs out therelike that and we've had um.
We've served over 1,600 peoplenow since we started this
program, from 33 differentstates.
(30:10):
So you know there are peoplefrom all over the country that
are coming.
If you put infirstrespondersbridgeorg in your
search engine, you'll see it.
We run four seminars a yearhere in Columbus and you know we
would love to invite anyone whowants to attend.
We would love to invite anyonewho wants to attend.
It's amazing the amount ofpeople that are desperate to try
(30:31):
to get into a program like that.
It's all confidential.
We never tell your agency thatyou came.
So my point to sharing thatstory is number one if any of
your listeners want to come to.
Tyra Valeriano (30:42):
Dublin.
Stan Partlow (30:43):
Ohio, which is a suburb of Columbus.
To come to the bridge, you'rewelcome.
But number two, I've got tobelieve there are other programs
out there like that and theleaders on this call that are
listening to this podcast needto take the initiative to go out
and find that stuff for theirfolks.
So to your point, when someonedoes come to you, sure you're
going to refer them to the APbecause that's what your
agency's told you to do, but youcan also say, hey, here's some
(31:06):
other places you should thinkabout going.
Tyra Valeriano (31:13):
Yeah, I agree with that and that's great that
you you're taking part in that.
Stan Partlow (31:16):
How often do you guys?
Tyra Valeriano (31:17):
host that seminar Four times a year.
Stan Partlow (31:18):
Awesome, okay, I'll be sure to check that out.
Yeah, please do.
Tyra Valeriano (31:22):
So you mentioned that it's for spouses, and I
think this is a really goodtopic to talk about, because
when we think about lawenforcement today, I don't know
how much different it is todayfrom the time that you served.
But you know, people arestruggling at home because
they're working mandatoryovertime, their days off are for
appearances and training andcall-ins and they just have no
(31:45):
more time for their family.
So what was the work-lifebalance for you back when you
were a police officer?
Stan Partlow (31:51):
You know, I grew up in that environment, my dad.
When I was a little kid, my dadrotated every 90 days and I'll
have to tell this story aboutthe longest day in recorded
history.
So imagine my brother and I.
My brother two years youngerthan me.
Well, I'm about eight years old, my brother's six.
We come running out of thebedroom into the living room
(32:13):
where the Christmas tree was onChristmas Day, and we find our
mother standing in front of theChristmas tree like this.
It's about quarter to seven inthe morning.
My mom says your dad's working7A to 3P today.
We're not opening any presentstill he gets home.
I'm telling you that was thelongest day to record a district
(32:34):
so the punchline of the storywas that my mother said I'll let
you boys open one package each.
So I remember my brother and Ilaying on the floor feeling the
packages, praying that we didn'tget the socks and underwear
right, because we knew therewere socks and underwear under
that tree somewhere.
But please don't let us openthat box.
(32:54):
Let us at least get a game or atoy or whatever.
So I don't think that's reallychanged.
The job is what it is.
It's going to be a ship work.
You're going to have holidaysthat you're going to have to
work, um, you're not going to beable to live like a normal
human being.
That, I don't think has changed.
So what I think has changed,though, is I think people have
(33:15):
different expectations of whatthe job should be, and a lot of
times they don't want to wait.
They're not very patient,recognizing that, hey, I've got
to.
You know, I've got to do thisin order to get to the next stop
.
In my department, one of thechallenges that we had was every
time you got promoted, you wentto the bottom of the seniority
(33:36):
list.
So if you were an officer andyou had a great job and you got
promoted to sergeant, you wereback to second or third shift,
with Tuesday or Wednesday off.
Then you work your way up, youget a decent shift, you get a
decent day's off, you getpromoted to lieutenant same
thing.
So when you got promoted tocommander, it didn't matter,
because you were in charge ofthe bureaus to be able to work
whatever hours you wanted.
(33:57):
So that to me, that was my goalto get that far so that.
I could say like I'm going to bein charge of my own destiny.
But I remember telling my wifeyou know, hey, honey, guess what
?
I know I'm a sergeant out ofthe training academy now, but
I'm number one on thelieutenant's list.
I'm going to get promoted,they're going to send me back to
third shift and I'm going tohave Thursday and Friday off.
And so you know I was blessedthat I had an incredible partner
(34:21):
for 42 years who, you know,supported me at every turn.
I know not everyone has thatsupported me at every turn.
I know not everyone has that.
So the dynamic with yourchildren, you know, with your
significant other, is verydifficult at times for a lot of
people, and I don't have anymagic words of advice other than
(34:42):
to say that in many ways thejob is what it is and you didn't
know that when you signed up.
So you know we all have to behonest with ourselves and
recognize that.
You know, nobody thought theywere going to walk out of the
academy and go to first shiftSaturdays and Sundays.
So you find other ways to dealwith it.
Right, you find other ways todeal with it.
The one thing that I alwayssuggest to people is that you
(35:03):
don't lose your other friends,and that sometimes is difficult,
as you know, because you're theonly person working second or
third shift, with tuesday andwednesday off.
everybody else wants to go outon friday night, have nice
dinner and you know, whatever,and you're the only odd person
out, and so what ends uphappening a lot of times is that
(35:23):
you end up collapsing yourcircle and the only people in
your circle are fellow firstresponders who are living in the
same dream you are, but I thinkI don't think that's healthy,
because I think when you'rearound first responders all the
time you get a very uh slantedview of the world and a very
slanted view of human beings,and you forget they're actually
(35:45):
good people out there.
So, as much much as you can, youknow, I would encourage you to
hang on to your civilian friends, if you will, the people that
you know, and that goes for yourfamily too, and sometimes it
takes some effort and you've gotto make some effort to make
sure you stay connected.
Tyra Valeriano (36:01):
So I know you said you don't have any magic
words, but 42 years is a reallygreat accomplishment, especially
in law enforcement.
So is there any advice that youhave for those who have a
marriage or family in lawenforcement that you guys stuck
through that many years?
Stan Partlow (36:17):
Yeah, I think the best advice I can give is
communicate, communicate,communicate and communicate,
which is probably what you wouldhear in any relationship, but I
think in this field it requireseven more.
So if you thought you know thislevel of communication is okay
in the rest of the world, youprobably need this level in the
(36:38):
law enforcement community,because it is a difficult job on
a lot of levels and you knowthat from having done it.
It's sometimes difficult to letyour significant other in.
Sometimes you don't want to dothat because you really don't
want to expose them to thethings that you're dealing with.
But you also have to be smartenough to recognize that you're
(36:59):
different and they're going towonder why.
And sometimes they're going toimmediately assume that it's
something that they did orsomething that kids did, and it
really has nothing to do withthat.
It's something you're dealingwith at work.
So you know you've got to,you've got to think about that.
One of the stories that I oftentell I actually speak as the
last speaker at the bridge tokind of get people ready to go
(37:21):
home, you know, from from thisweekend and one of the stories
that I tell is that you know, tome time is the ultimate
currency.
It's the only thing you can'tmake more of.
You know you can make moremoney, you can get more stuff,
but you cannot make more time.
And I remember as a youngerofficer, you know I would
literally take a week off aroundChristmas time and go work
(37:46):
special duty at a big box store12 hours a day, standing in
uniform, making sure that nobodywas stealing anything, dealing
with all the knuckleheads of theuniverse, dealing with all the
moms who would bring theirlittle kids up to me and say, if
you're not really good.
That police officer is going totake you to jail and what I
really wanted to do was take herto jail.
(38:06):
You know you're standing onconcrete with that gun belt
cutting you in half.
You can get that picture inyour mind right?
You've done it, and I did thatfor an entire week, Took a week
vacation that I could have takenwith my family.
Why did I do that?
I did it to make money Back inmy day.
We didn't get paid very much,so that was a way I could make
(38:27):
money to get my kids thechristmas that I thought they
deserved.
The biggest mistake that I evermade was I didn't talk to my
wife about that, because I was apain in the ass.
That week I was exhausted andshe'd want to go do something
for christmas maybe go to aconcert or go to visit friends
or whatever and I'm like I'm notdoing it, I'm beat, I'm I'm not
(38:48):
doing it, I'm beat, I'm whipped, I'm physically, mentally tired
and I'm beat.
And I just took away a week oftime that I could have spent
doing fun stuff with her and mykids.
And I did it for the rightreason in my own mind, that I
thought my kids deserved to haveyou know more Barbie dolls, I
guess for Christmas, deserve tohave you know more barbie dolls,
(39:12):
I guess for christmas.
But the biggest mistake that Imade tire, honestly, if I could
and my wife again passed awayfour years ago, but if I could
have that time back, I would goback and say honey, what
do you want me to do?
You know, you know what thebudget is.
Can we do christmas the way wewant to do it, without me doing
this work?
Or should I do half of the workor none of it at all?
I never did that.
(39:34):
So I thought I was doing theright thing, but in retrospect I
don't think I did the rightthing for her.
I don't think I did the rightthing for my kids.
It wasn't I was, you know,trying to do anything bad or
evil.
The thought was good, but theexecution was poor.
And it was really because Inever sat down and asked her
what do you want?
And honestly, if she were heretoday, I think she would look at
(39:56):
me and say all I really wantedwas for you to be with us.
Right, we didn't need.
The kids didn't need anothertoy, they didn't need another
barbie doll, they didn't needwhatever it was.
I didn't need another piece ofjewelry.
So that money that I made, youknow what purpose did it really
(40:16):
serve?
Now again, I'm looking at thatthrough a 66-year-old guy's lens
and not through a 28-year-oldguy's lens or a 35-year-old
guy's lens, when I thought thatwas really important.
So I guess the lesson for me isthat you know if you can
communicate, you know you'll befar ahead of the game and don't
be afraid to go get counseling.
You know your marriage, yourrelationship with your
(40:38):
significant other, yourrelationship with your kids,
hopefully will last far longerthan your career, and if you
screw it up during your careeryou may end up being my age and
not having it at all.
You may not have a relationshipwith your kids or your
grandkids or your significantother, or you may be married
three or four times, whateverthe case might be, because you
(40:59):
didn't take care of businessalong the way.
So if you need counseling, youknow, man up, woman up and go
get it.
Tyra Valeriano (41:07):
I'm 36 years old and everything you just said I
100% see that.
Now ask me if I was in lawenforcement, if I could
understand what you're saying,and I probably wouldn't be able
to.
It's not until you get out thatyou realize how important it is
, and I think this is justanother addition to the podcast.
And why I'm doing what I'mdoing is because I am still
(41:29):
young and I'm able to see thingsin a different light than most
people are my age in lawenforcement and I know a lot of
them aren't going to take to it.
But I think these conversationsare important because it shows
this is consistent.
This is not just because I'msaying it or you know, the
person after me is saying it.
This has been going on for along time and the message is
time is important.
(41:49):
Time is all you have and it'snot forever.
There's one question that I askall of my guests what is one
thing you would tell your rookieself?
Stan Partlow (42:00):
I think the big thing that I would tell my
rookie self is don't forget whyyou took the job.
There's a guy out there namedSimon Sinek who I love.
I talk about him in my book,actually, and he talks about
this idea of why and he saysthat organizations and people
understand what they do and howthey do it, but most of us don't
(42:21):
think about why we do it.
So when you decided you wantedto become a police officer, you
had a why.
You might not have reallythought about it in those terms,
but if you really look at whatit takes to become a police
officer, no one goes throughthat process willingly, right?
You know, sometimes it takes ayear or more.
You're going through you knowbackground investigations and
(42:44):
oral boards and polygraphs andphysicals.
It's not a normal job.
And then once you get there toyou know our point just a few
minutes ago you're working shiftwork.
You're seeing, you know thenegatives out there.
So what changed in you from thetime you were bright, shiny,
sitting in that classroom orsitting in that first roll call,
(43:05):
to five years down the road andnow you're this crusty.
You know old-time policeofficer who's been through the
battle.
You know what changed and Iwould submit that for most of us
it's because we forgot our why.
So when you think about the darkdays and they will come, no
matter where you are you know, Iused to think I worked in a big
(43:27):
city right department at about19, underscored, you know, 14th
largest city in the unitedstates, big city, big city
problem I used to think, wow,you know, those folks in the
suburbs, they don't really, theydon't get this.
That's not true anymore.
You can work.
It doesn't matter where youwork in this country, whether
you're on a five officerdepartment or a 5 000 officer
(43:48):
department, the problems arethere, the active shooters are
there, the school shootings arethere, the bad things are
happening everywhere.
It's there's no mayberry leftanymore.
So, no matter where you are,you're going to experience that
and you're going to experiencethose dark times.
And what I would submit to youis that the way you can work
your way out of that darkness isto start thinking about the
(44:11):
light, and the light is why youtook that job.
Now, if you get to the placewhere you believe that you can't
live that why anymore, thenmaybe it is time to leave, maybe
it is time to take that earlyretirement.
Maybe it is time to look for adifferent career.
I understand that retirement.
Maybe it is time to look for adifferent career I understand
(44:31):
that, but for most of us, if wehold up that, why in front of us
we could say okay, that's why Idid this, all right, how do I
get back to that?
How do I get back to that?
so hang on to your why, and yourwhy is going to change over
your career.
You know it's going to.
It's going to, it's going tomorph, it's going to be modified
a little bit and, particularlyif you decide to take the
leadership track, your why willdefinitely change as you move
(44:54):
into those assignments andyou're now responsible for other
human beings.
As you know, tyra, thatsometimes is a daunting effort
when you think about wow, lifewas easy when I was just
responsible for me, or maybe mypartner, and now I have a shift
of people I'm responsible for.
Tyra Valeriano (45:11):
Holy cow.
Stan Partlow (45:12):
You know that's a bigger deal, but hang on to your
why.
And again, if you want to learnmore about the why, look at
Simon Sinek.
He did a great YouTube video,only about nine minutes long, on
Apple's why, and it's reallyinteresting when you listen to
it.
There's nowhere in the why thatthey ever talk about making
electronic devices.
(45:33):
They talk about things likebeautiful designs, force,
disruption, things like that.
So when you listen to that andyou sort of sit back and really
think about why did I really gothrough this, why did I take
this job and that's what I thinkyou can hang on to That'll take
you back to the light andhopefully move you out of the
darkness.
And if you're trapped, don't beafraid to ask for help.
(45:54):
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Whether it's your supervisor,another police officer, a
therapist, a peer support person, don't be afraid to ask for
help.
Tyra Valeriano (46:07):
You just gave all kinds of great knowledge and
experience today.
I appreciate it so much.
Is there any kind of contactinformation that you can share
with the listeners if they wantto make contact with you?
Stan Partlow (46:17):
Absolutely.
I would love to hear fromanyone who wants to talk about
law enforcement.
It is in my blood.
It will be in my blood untilI'm drawing my last breath.
I will do anything that I canto help anybody in this
profession, so please contact meon LinkedIn.
You're welcome to look for meon LinkedIn Stan Parlow on
LinkedIn and I also share myemail address.
(46:40):
It's sepjr505 at gmailcom.
Drop me a note and I would loveto chat with you and, if I can
help guide you to a supportnetwork, either the bridge or
another one like that, if you goon the bridge website.
There are some other resources,so I didn't even think about
that when you asked thatquestion, tyra, but there's an
(47:01):
easy place to start.
If you put infirstrespondersbridgeorg.
There's a list of resourcesthere that your leaders might
want to look at and say to youknow their team, hey, here's
some places that you might, youknow, contact in order to get
some help.
So you know, Godspeed to all ofyou on your career.
God bless you.
Please be safe out there, and Iwould love to chat with any of
(47:24):
you that that want to talk.
Tyra Valeriano (47:27):
Thank you so much, stan, and just to let you
guys know, check out his book,check out the website.
If you're interested in theseminar, please reach out to him
.
He has a lot of knowledge andexperience and I'm sure you guys
can have a great conversationjust like the one we had today.
I appreciate you joining me.
You guys stay safe and I'll seeyou on the next one.
Thank you for joining me onchapter blue.
(47:49):
If you enjoyed today's episode,be sure to follow and tag me on
social media and share withyour friends and fellow officers
.
If you're interested in joiningan episode, I'd love for you to
be a part of the conversation.
Until next time, stay safe,take care of yourself and
remember you're never alone inthis journey.
Welcome to Chapter Blue, the podcast where
we discuss the world of lawenforcement through an honest
conversation on tough orcontroversial topics, real
stories, perspectives andexperience from officers all
around the world.
Whether you're here forinsights on mental health,
self-care, work-life balance,getting into law enforcement,
getting out of law enforcement,or just trying to learn about
(00:21):
personal and professionalchallenges officers face every
day, you've come to the rightplace.
I'm your host, tyra Valeriano,and whether I'm going solo or
speaking with a guest, eachepisode will discuss different
aspects of life behind the badge.
Let's turn the page and stepinto Chapter Blue.
Hey, everyone, welcome back toChapter Blue.
I'm excited about today'sepisode because we have a very
(00:44):
special guest joining us.
But before I introduce myguests, I wanted to give you
guys a huge thank you toeverybody who supported my first
episode, whether you tuned in,shared a post, shared the
podcast, or even to those whoprovided a review.
I am truly grateful for eachand every single one of you.
The support does not gounnoticed.
I also wanted to thank my firstsponsor, tafco Windows out of
(01:07):
El Paso, texas.
Tafco Windows has served thecustomers of El Paso and the
surrounding area for over 50years, so please reach out to
them if you have any windowedneeds and you are in the area.
Now for today's episode, Iwanted to welcome Stan Partlow,
who is out of Ohio.
He has served 25 years in lawenforcement and he transitioned
(01:28):
into the corporate securityworld for an additional 15 years
, and he even published a book.
So, without further ado, goodmorning, stan.
Thank you so much for your timetoday.
I'm really happy to have you onthe podcast.
How are you?
Stan Partlow (01:43):
I'm great, tyra, thank you for having me and
thank you for your leadershipand putting this together to try
to share a message out there toour first responder community
that they probably need to hear.
Tyra Valeriano (01:55):
I agree.
Will you give our listeners abrief introduction about who you
are and what your background isin law enforcement?
Stan Partlow (02:03):
Sure, I'm an old guy, started in law enforcement
in 1980 and retired in 2005.
Spent 21 years with the city ofColumbus in Ohio and retired as
a commander, and I also, duringmy career, spent four years as
a special agent with the FBI.
I left law enforcement in 2005and went to the private sector
(02:26):
and became a security directorand then ultimately a vice
president, chief securityofficer for one of the largest
electric utility companies inthe United States, and retired
about four years ago.
So after 40 years I decidedthat that was enough, so I went
ahead and retired.
So I am the middle of threegenerations of Columbus police
(02:48):
officers.
My dad started in 1961 andretired in 1986.
And my oldest daughter and herhusband are both currently
serving.
So I think I added it up lastnight we're about 79 years of
combined service in the lawenforcement community.
So I'm very proud of them andwas very proud to follow in my
(03:09):
dad's footsteps as well.
Tyra Valeriano (03:11):
Wow, that's great.
That's a lot of history in thefamily and that's definitely
something to keep going.
Is there any more kids in thefamily that want to be police
officers?
Stan Partlow (03:23):
Nope.
I don't know about thegrandchildren.
We'll see.
I have five grandchildren.
We'll see if we get a fourthgeneration out of that.
But my other two daughters haveno interest in that.
My middle daughter is a teacherand she's serving in that way,
and my youngest daughter hasDown syndrome and she is the
(03:43):
queen of the family.
All you have to do is ask herand she'll tell you she's in
charge.
So we ought to pretty muchfollow what she says, and then
everything else seems to workitself out.
Tyra Valeriano (03:52):
I appreciate you sharing that with us.
I actually wanted to ask youhow has it been since you've
been retired I mean that's along time having a history in
law enforcement and thenswitching sectors.
How has it been since you'vebeen out of work?
Stan Partlow (04:05):
switching sectors.
How has it been since you'vebeen out of work?
I'm very proud of both of mycareers.
I was very blessed in that Ihad a chance to lead in two very
different environments and, youknow, one of the messages that
I would share with yourlisteners is that, for those of
you that are in law enforcementleadership, you know one of the
things you really need to thinkabout is whether that leadership
is number one, the mosteffective in your current job,
(04:29):
and number two, if you decide todo something later, will it
really translate to that nextmove?
And I would submit to you thatwhat I learned over my 40 years
27 of that was in a formalleadership role was that?
The answer to that is no of thatwas in a formal leadership role
.
Was that?
The answer to that is no.
If you focus solely on commandand control when number one, it
(04:50):
will not be very effective foryou in your current job.
And I say that because I thinkthe game has changed.
Law enforcement officers oftoday are much different than
the ones of 1980, certainly muchdifferent than the ones of 1961
.
The ones of 1980, certainlymuch different than the ones of
1961.
And as I watched my dad'sgeneration, my generation and
(05:13):
now my kids.
I recognize that that oldcommand and control idea of I've
got more stuff up here than youdo and you're just going to
blindly follow what I say reallydoesn't work, and I think
that's one of the reasons whywe're seeing a lot of people
leave mid-career because of theleadership or lack thereof that
is at those agencies.
So I would say to those lawenforcement leaders out there
(05:36):
that are currently leading thinkabout the way you're leading
and think about getting into amuch more collaborative style
and get away from that commandand control Again.
As police leaders you're alwaysgoing to have to use some
command and control.
When you go out to a hostagebarricade, you're in charge.
You're going to set the rulesfor engagement, if you will, for
(05:58):
that event.
You go out to a crime scene amajor traffic crash that's your
job.
But most of the decisions thatyou make as a leader don't fall
in that category.
You go out to a crime scene amajor traffic crash that's your
job.
But most of the decisions thatyou make as a leader don't fall
in that category.
Most of them, you couldcollaborate, you could get
opinions, you could help peopleunderstand why you need to do
this, instead of just sayingyou're going to do it because I
(06:18):
told you so, so let's circlethat all the way around.
In my career, I went through theprivate sector for 15 years and
I can tell you emphaticallythat that command and control
style would not have worked, forI would not have lasted six
months or a year if I had triedto use that style in a major
(06:40):
corporation.
My company was about a Fortune150 company, 25,000 employees
spread across 11 states.
That style would not have madeit so.
One thing I would share withyour listeners, those of you
that are in leadership rolesthink about the way you're doing
it and thinking about how youcan be the most effective today,
but also prepare yourself fortomorrow, because you may want
(07:03):
to leave that career eithermid-career or at the end after
service retirement and you're,you know, in your early 50s and
you say, wow, I've got another10 years of work left before I
want to really retire.
I'm like, what am I going to do?
And so you know you're best toprepare yourself for that.
Tyra Valeriano (07:22):
You know.
I want to go back to what youwere talking about.
When it comes to leadership, Ithink that this is something
that's controversial and it'sbecause of the way things are in
today's society.
So, for example, we have socialmedia, we have access to the
internet, and it's putting a lotof information out there.
That is kind of makingleadership.
I don't know if it's changingwith the times and the
(07:44):
generations, but you also stillhave leadership that's in
agencies that are very oldschool, right, so they're still
stuck in those ways and they'renot willing to adapt.
I want to know what youropinion is.
Do you think that those leadersneed to adapt so that
leadership can change down theline, or do you think that it's
(08:05):
just too far gone, thatleadership is just going to have
to start from the bottom?
Stan Partlow (08:10):
No, I think leaders are capable of adapting.
I really do.
I think you.
You know number one you have toget out of your own way.
I'm a big proponent of stoicismand there's a gentleman out
there named, named Ryan Holiday,who wrote a book called Ego is
the Enemy, and I really believethat.
You know, most of the decisionsthat we make that get us in
(08:32):
trouble are because of our ownego, and one of the my favorite
quotes is Albert Einstein oncesaid that the true measure of a
man is his ability to subjugatehis own ego.
So, as a law enforcement leader, if you can put your ego in
your back pocket, read RyanHoliday's Ego is the Enemy,
figure out how to do that.
You recognize pretty quicklythat there are people out there
(08:53):
that know how to do their work.
You really just need to get outof their way.
You need to support them.
You need to explain things tothem differently than again in
my era or my father's era andthere's nothing wrong with that.
It could still be effective.
Like I said, if I looked overmy 25-year law enforcement
(09:14):
career and over half of that wasspent in formal leadership
roles the amount of decisionsthat I had to make that were
what I would call emergencydecisions, where I had to take
command and be in control wereminuscule compared to the
overall number of decisions thatI had to make.
So I'm very proud of the factthat I can honestly say this.
(09:35):
In my whole law enforcementsupervisory career, I gave one
direct order one and that was asituation where I was a
lieutenant.
I had a sergeant reporting tome.
The deputy chief wanted someinformation.
This guy didn't believe that heneeded to give the information.
We went around and around.
I asked him a couple of times.
(09:56):
He drug his feet and finally Igave him an order and I said if
you don't do this, I'm going tocharge you with insubordination.
I'm going to charge you withinsubordination.
I looked at that as aleadership failure on my part.
I hated that.
We ended up talking a lot aboutit after the fact and we came
to an understanding.
But I would much rather go toyou and say hey, tyra, would you
(10:18):
mind doing this, or would youplease do that?
I don't need to give you anorder and I don't need to tell
you who I am.
You know who I am If I'm thesergeant, the lieutenant, the
commander, the chief, whatever.
It's not a mystery to you thatI'm asking you to do something.
So when I would send peoplenotes, I would never sign my
rank on them.
I got in trouble with my bossone time because I would just
(10:40):
put my initials on there or Iwould just say it was from Stan.
He's like you can't do that.
You know that that doesn'tfollow the military protocol.
And I said well, number one,we're not in the military, we're
paramilitary, so we'll, we'lltake that with a grain of salt.
Number two when I send you anote.
You know who I am.
Why do I need to tell you thatI'm stan, first and foremost,
(11:02):
but secondly, I might becommander part lowlo.
That's true, but I don't needto rub your nose in that.
I just need to tell you.
Hey, would you mind doing this?
I appreciate it, and so mycompromise with him was I would
just use my initials, because hedidn't like me using my first
name, so I would just put SCP atthe end of the thing and be
done with it.
The bottom again.
(11:24):
For me, your question iscritical.
I think the number one thingthat we can do as leaders in the
business, if you will, in lawenforcement, to stem the flow of
people leaving mid-career is todo a better job of being
leaders.
(11:50):
do a better job of being leaders, you know in my era from 1980
to 2005, no one left the careerat 10 years 5 years, 15 years.
Nobody did that.
If you did that, you only didit for a couple reasons.
One, you got hurt and youcouldn't do the job anymore.
Or two, you probably got fired.
People at least stayed to gettheir 20, 25 years.
Whatever their pension numberwas, they stayed that long.
So I think law enforcementleaders are foolish if they
(12:13):
don't take stock of their ownagencies and say why do I have
really good people that aregetting out of this profession
before that service retirementdate?
There has to be a reason forthat, because I could tell you
over my history, over my dad'shistory, so we go back 50 plus
years.
That didn't happen.
(12:33):
So something is different today.
Certainly, to your point, socialmedia contributes to this.
The viewpoint of the public forus communicates to it or
contributes to it.
But I will tell you thathappened in my dad's career.
My dad lived through the civilrights era, the vietnam war
protest.
I lived through rodney king.
(12:54):
There's been times throughouthistory that the citizenry that
we serve has not been happy withus.
That's, that's constant in thisjob, right?
But I think the difference toyour very point is that the
leadership has not figured outhow to effectively lead the
officers of the day and if theydon't figure that out, their
(13:16):
departments are not going toflourish and people are going to
consistently leave and they'regoing to have a hard time
recruiting people to come in andfill those roles.
So I believe that leaders haveto really take stock of
themselves, figure out what theyneed to do to change and then
go change it.
Tyra Valeriano (13:32):
Right, you know there's a lot of really good
topics that I want to get intoon this and I hope we have
enough time.
But one of the things thatleaders or agencies tend to do
is they promote new hires.
They're not focused onretention, they're focused on
bringing people in and a lot ofthe good officers or the people
who have experience are leavingbecause they're not getting any
(13:53):
kind of incentive to stay withthe agency and they kind of feel
ran over, they don't feelappreciated, and you know that's
part of okay.
Is this the leadership aspector is this out of desperation?
And at what point are you goingto separate?
You know, hey, we still have toresolve the issue of leadership
.
So you know, the retentionissue is a completely separate
(14:14):
issue, but it also ties into howare we going to keep our people
, and you know you can keepgiving people pay raises.
They might want to stay for alittle bit, but there are so
many other factors that aregoing to cause them to leave,
because money doesn't fix what'sgoing on in the agency.
Stan Partlow (14:30):
Amen.
I mean.
There's a lot of research outthere that money is an
interesting dynamic.
It's actually a the socialscientists call it a hygiene
factor.
Money will cause you to leave aprofession, but very rarely
will it cause you to stay in one.
And, as you said, it's verytemporary, right?
Because if you get a raise,when is it ever enough?
(14:52):
So you get that dollar an hourraise and you think, wow, you
know, I got this big raise.
And then six months later, youknow the groceries and the
gasoline have gone up and eatenaway at that money and you're
like, well, I'm no further ahead.
People stay in jobs because ofsomething they want to do.
They stay in jobs because ofthe people that they work with
and the people that they workfor and, to your point, that's
(15:14):
where you got to focus yourenergy and that's what you have
to fix.
Just throwing money at peopleis really not going to make them
stay.
Now there are some goldenhandcuffs out there where there
are people in their career thatare close enough to retirement
that they're like I can't leaveuntil I get that date.
But what I think you're seeingis people that get five or six
(15:34):
years on are saying you knowwhat?
This is not what I thought itwas going to be, and if I'm
going to get out now is the timeto get out.
Not when I have 18 years on andI'm a couple of years away from
securing a pension, or 22 yearson or whatever, depending upon
where you live, what yourpension date is.
But I think you're absolutelyright.
(15:55):
You know, we need to figurethat out pretty quickly and we
need to go become better leaders.
Become better leaders.
One of the things that I'vedone since I retired was I
actually followed a challenge.
I lost my wife four years agoand one of the things that she
always challenged me to do whenshe was healthy was, you know,
(16:17):
to write a book.
Because she said, all you everdo is talk about leadership, you
think about leadership, youread all the books about
leadership.
We would go on vacation and I'dload three or four books on my.
Kindle that were you know,leadership.
Biographies of you know leadersthat I respected, so so I
actually did it, and about ayear ago I published a book
(16:38):
called Leading Relentlessly, andI tried to take the messages
that I learned in my lawenforcement career and my
private sector career and createsomething that people could
look at and say, wow, maybethere's a different way that I
could learn to lead.
I don't pretend that I have allthe answers, but what I hope
(16:59):
the book does for people thatdecide to read it is that it
forces them to ask themselvessome questions around their
leadership style and whetherit's as effective as it could be
.
Tyra Valeriano (17:11):
Right.
Another issue that obviouslywe're seeing is mental health,
and I'm curious if this issueback in the day, when you were a
police officer, was this as bigof as an issue that it is today
.
Was it something that was sweptunder the rug back then, or was
this not as common as it istoday?
Stan Partlow (17:30):
No, I think it absolutely existed.
And, again, I grew up in apolice family.
My dad started when I was threeyears old, so I used to see
these guys come to the house allthe time and, you know, knew
their families because we didthings together.
Um, I would say that the way umlaw enforcement officers dealt
(17:52):
with the issue was muchdifferent than the way they deal
with it today.
Um, they used choir practice,bud light therapy, whatever you
want to call it.
Um, I think our our alcoholismrate, back in my dad's era
especially, was huge.
You had a lot of people comingback to vietnam who had a lot of
(18:13):
stress, um, that they didn'tget any support at all from the
military.
Then they became policeofficers.
They were thrown back into thefire, if you you will, with even
more stress and trauma.
I think you see the same thingtoday, with many of our folks
coming out of the military.
You know they, although thereis more support for them than
there was 40, 50 years ago.
(18:35):
But I think the problem hasexisted.
I think we're doing a betterjob of recognizing it today.
But again.
I think it comes down toleadership.
If you are a chief or you're acaptain or you're a commander or
a lieutenant or whatever it is,you are on your agency.
The shadow that you cast ismore important than any words
(18:56):
that ever come out of your mouth.
So if you have a policy thatsays you know we're going to
support officers, mental healthissues and we're going to have
counseling or this or that, butyou don't actually do it, then
you might as well not have thepolicy at all.
So I think it's another one ofthose scenarios where, in my era
(19:17):
, many times the older leadersthat we had would just say look,
suck it up.
You know, you signed up forthis, you knew it was going to
be this, you knew it was goingto be bad, you knew it was going
to be nasty.
You just need to suck it up andmove on.
I think a leader today sayingthat same thing is irresponsible
, and I believe that you knowthat they in fact have to fix
(19:39):
themselves first.
The one other comment that Iwould make on this whole mental
health idea is that make surethat you are dealing with your
trauma as you think aboutleaving the environment.
If you believe that gettingaway from your job is going to
(19:59):
stop the trauma, in my humbleopinion you're wrong.
The trauma is there.
In my humble opinion, you'rewrong.
The trauma is there and you cantalk to anyone that's
(20:22):
experienced trauma and is as oldas I can manage it, but it's
still there.
Anyone that served in themilitary would tell you the same
thing.
It's there until they don'tbreathe anymore.
So if you think that you'regoing to run away, if you will,
from that trauma by leaving theprofession, you're wrong.
You've got to deal with it.
I'm not saying you shouldn'tget away from the profession.
(20:45):
That's not what I'm saying andI don't want anybody to mishear
that.
But as you leave, you have torecognize a couple of things.
Number one the trauma follows.
You doesn't go away.
And number two, and one that Ithink people don't think about,
is when you remove yourself fromthe profession, either through
resignation or retirement, youjust cut off one of your very
(21:08):
important support networks.
So you think about that run,that you went on when you were a
police officer and it was ugly,whatever it was traffic crash,
firing out, you know, shooting,whatever it was.
You went back to the station andyou sat around the table with
people that had been throughthat same kind of experience and
(21:29):
you talked about it or youcalled your buddy on the way
home or your old partner, yourfto or whoever it was, and you
had that instant connection withpeople who understood what you
had been through and you leanedon each other and that's a
beautiful thing.
But here's the reality when youleave, you don't have that same
(21:50):
connection, even if you stillhave friends left on the
department.
It's never going to be the same.
It's never going to be the sameas going back, turning your car
keys in, you know, taking your,your gear off and sitting down
and decompressing with yourfriends, or maybe literally
going out and having a beer,whatever it takes to make that
happen.
(22:10):
It's never going to be the same.
And I can tell you frompersonal experience that if I
gone into my private sectorworld and sat down at the
lunchroom table at americanelectric power, where I work,
and talked about an incidentthat happened in my police
career, people would have lookedat me like I had three heads,
because they don't understandthat and that's not being
(22:32):
demeaning to them, just they'venever lived it.
And so you know, we have a wayof talking with each other,
supporting each othercommunicating with each other
and once you decide to leave toone degree or another, you lose
that.
So the two messages that Iwould say for people that are
thinking about leaving are onemake sure you keep working on
(22:53):
your trauma.
Don't think that just becauseyou walked out the door it'll go
away.
And number two, if you can tryto stay connected with people
that understand you.
But if you can't do that, makesure you find somebody out there
that does understand you.
Maybe that's a therapist, maybeit's another peer counselor,
it's somebody else who can helpyou navigate through that
(23:17):
process.
Tyra Valeriano (23:18):
Yeah, that's great advice.
I actually can relate to that.
I know my retirement is not thesame as everyone else's, but
that is something that, even tothis day, I struggle with.
And a part of that is alsoidentity, because a lot of us
become our job.
We identify as a police officer.
You know, this is who I am,this is what I'm proud to be and
, regardless of what society maybe thinking about law
(23:38):
enforcement or police officersin general, you're still proud
of what you've accomplished andwhat you've done.
And to pull away from that andknow that you're trying to make
new friends or you're trying toconnect back with your family if
you haven't done that already,it's very difficult to do and
sometimes that dark humorlingers.
So when somebody that I don'tknow, who's never been a police
(23:59):
officer, is asking me hey, tellme some of the stories that you
know you went to it's, it's kindof uncomfortable because you
know they're going to look atyou like you're crazy and you
might still find something funnythat they they're not going to
think is funny.
So now you're just the weirdothat nobody wants to talk to,
and I definitely can relate tothat.
Touching on dealing with yourtrauma in law enforcement and
(24:20):
tying that into leadership.
One of the things that Inoticed as a patrol sergeant is
I had a couple guys who had someissues that were not work
related.
They were dealing with a lot ofstuff and I didn't have any
resources to give them.
You have the EAP program, whicheverybody's familiar with, and
after what three sessions yougot to pay.
So even as a leader, you knowthey have to go in there and
(24:41):
figure out what kind ofresources are we going to make
available, readily available forofficers where they don't have
to go searching for somebody tohelp them.
And now that the conversationhas come up, we're trying to
find and build those resourcesso that officers don't have to
go looking for it.
What do you think new leadersin the field should consider
(25:02):
when it comes to finding thoseresources or providing that to
their officers?
Stan Partlow (25:07):
So that's a great point, tyra, because police
officers by their very natureare paranoid.
Most of them are not going toavail themselves of the EAP
program that their departmenthas and in some cases I would
submit that the EAP program isreally not a good fit for them,
because these folks that staffthat phone line are not trauma
(25:31):
counselors that understand firstresponder or military trauma,
which is its own animal right asyou described it.
You know, you've seen and donethings that the average person
hasn't done with, hasn't donewhen you think about what he
might do for an employee.
It may be.
I've got an elderly parent I'mcaring for.
(25:52):
Okay, that's a form of trauma.
Maybe my spouse is sick, that'sa form of trauma.
Maybe I have an addiction issue.
Those are all legitimate formsof trauma that need to be dealt
with.
That's not the kind of traumathat first responders go through
.
The sad stress is has no realbackground of PTSD.
(26:32):
So one of the things I thinkpolice leaders really need to
think about is and I find in mycommunity some people that
understand the first responderand military mindset and there
are people out there now thatare specializing in that field
and but you're going to have tolook for them to your point, you
(26:55):
know, and just say, well, thecity has an EAP program, it's
not going to get it because,think about it, the city is
bigger than the policedepartment, right, it's bigger
than the fire department, it'sthe whole city, however many
employees, that is, they'regoing to pick an EAP program,
probably through some insurancecarrier, that's designed to deal
with the masses, not designedto deal with the trauma that you
(27:17):
might have experienced on thejob or a firefighter might have
experienced on the job or mighthave experienced on the job.
So I think it's incumbent uponthe leaders to go out and try to
find those people.
There are definitely peersupport people that are not
licensed therapists that are outthere, and you may even
consider, if you're a leader inyour agency, if we start a peer
(27:37):
support team within ourdepartment or for a small agency
.
Could we partner up with acommunity with maybe several
smaller agencies and create thispeer support program?
Because oftentimes that'sreally what first responders
want, right?
They really don't want to gotalk to the licensed therapist,
they want to talk to somebodywho's going to tell them exactly
(28:00):
what you just said to me.
It's okay to feel that way,you're not crazy.
That's what they want to hear,right?
They want to hear Look, I'mfeeling this weird thing right
now, where, you know, I walkedinto this room and I smelled
something that took me back to ahouse fire that I had to go in
and I had to pull somebody outand somebody died there.
(28:20):
Maybe it was a child Normalpeople don't put up with that,
they don't deal with that.
Maybe it was a child Normalpeople don't put up with that,
they don't deal with that.
That's something that's goingto be in your psyche for the
rest of your life and you weretriggered by whatever that
stimulus was and you just wantto look at somebody across the
table and say, man, I'm reallyfeeling horrible about this.
And that person says to youokay, you're not crazy, I've
(28:42):
been the same, been in the sameplace.
So I think your point's welltaken that, as leaders, if we're
really going to embrace thisidea of mental health, it's more
than just saying well, the cityhas an EAP program.
I need to go out there and find, and you know, start with the
Google search, start with peersupport programs, and there are
some national programs out therethat, um, uh, you know that,
(29:06):
help people out there's, um, youknow, save a warrior.
Um, and I am actually sit onthe board of directors of a
group called the firstresponders bridge.
Uh, that's here in ohio, but weserve uh people nationwide, and
one of the things that I reallyfeel very proud of is that the
bridge offers weekend seminarsfor first responders and their
(29:27):
significant others, because werecognize the impact that this
career can have on a family sowhat?
we do.
We invite you and yoursignificant other.
The only thing you have to payfor is your travel expenses.
Once you get here, we put youup in a marriott, we have
speakers, we feed you.
Uh, you're there from fridayafternoon until sunday afternoon
(29:49):
and we have had many, manypeople tell us that you know,
this experience saved theirmarriages, it saved their career
.
In some cases it may have savedtheir lives.
So there are programs out therelike that and we've had um.
We've served over 1,600 peoplenow since we started this
program, from 33 differentstates.
(30:10):
So you know there are peoplefrom all over the country that
are coming.
If you put infirstrespondersbridgeorg in your
search engine, you'll see it.
We run four seminars a yearhere in Columbus and you know we
would love to invite anyone whowants to attend.
We would love to invite anyonewho wants to attend.
It's amazing the amount ofpeople that are desperate to try
(30:31):
to get into a program like that.
It's all confidential.
We never tell your agency thatyou came.
So my point to sharing thatstory is number one if any of
your listeners want to come to.
Tyra Valeriano (30:42):
Dublin.
Stan Partlow (30:43):
Ohio, which is a suburb of Columbus.
To come to the bridge, you'rewelcome.
But number two, I've got tobelieve there are other programs
out there like that and theleaders on this call that are
listening to this podcast needto take the initiative to go out
and find that stuff for theirfolks.
So to your point, when someonedoes come to you, sure you're
going to refer them to the APbecause that's what your
agency's told you to do, but youcan also say, hey, here's some
(31:06):
other places you should thinkabout going.
Tyra Valeriano (31:13):
Yeah, I agree with that and that's great that
you you're taking part in that.
Stan Partlow (31:16):
How often do you guys?
Tyra Valeriano (31:17):
host that seminar Four times a year.
Stan Partlow (31:18):
Awesome, okay, I'll be sure to check that out.
Yeah, please do.
Tyra Valeriano (31:22):
So you mentioned that it's for spouses, and I
think this is a really goodtopic to talk about, because
when we think about lawenforcement today, I don't know
how much different it is todayfrom the time that you served.
But you know, people arestruggling at home because
they're working mandatoryovertime, their days off are for
appearances and training andcall-ins and they just have no
(31:45):
more time for their family.
So what was the work-lifebalance for you back when you
were a police officer?
Stan Partlow (31:51):
You know, I grew up in that environment, my dad.
When I was a little kid, my dadrotated every 90 days and I'll
have to tell this story aboutthe longest day in recorded
history.
So imagine my brother and I.
My brother two years youngerthan me.
Well, I'm about eight years old, my brother's six.
We come running out of thebedroom into the living room
(32:13):
where the Christmas tree was onChristmas Day, and we find our
mother standing in front of theChristmas tree like this.
It's about quarter to seven inthe morning.
My mom says your dad's working7A to 3P today.
We're not opening any presentstill he gets home.
I'm telling you that was thelongest day to record a district
(32:34):
so the punchline of the storywas that my mother said I'll let
you boys open one package each.
So I remember my brother and Ilaying on the floor feeling the
packages, praying that we didn'tget the socks and underwear
right, because we knew therewere socks and underwear under
that tree somewhere.
But please don't let us openthat box.
(32:54):
Let us at least get a game or atoy or whatever.
So I don't think that's reallychanged.
The job is what it is.
It's going to be a ship work.
You're going to have holidaysthat you're going to have to
work, um, you're not going to beable to live like a normal
human being.
That, I don't think has changed.
So what I think has changed,though, is I think people have
(33:15):
different expectations of whatthe job should be, and a lot of
times they don't want to wait.
They're not very patient,recognizing that, hey, I've got
to.
You know, I've got to do thisin order to get to the next stop
.
In my department, one of thechallenges that we had was every
time you got promoted, you wentto the bottom of the seniority
(33:36):
list.
So if you were an officer andyou had a great job and you got
promoted to sergeant, you wereback to second or third shift,
with Tuesday or Wednesday off.
Then you work your way up, youget a decent shift, you get a
decent day's off, you getpromoted to lieutenant same
thing.
So when you got promoted tocommander, it didn't matter,
because you were in charge ofthe bureaus to be able to work
whatever hours you wanted.
(33:57):
So that to me, that was my goalto get that far so that.
I could say like I'm going to bein charge of my own destiny.
But I remember telling my wifeyou know, hey, honey, guess what
?
I know I'm a sergeant out ofthe training academy now, but
I'm number one on thelieutenant's list.
I'm going to get promoted,they're going to send me back to
third shift and I'm going tohave Thursday and Friday off.
And so you know I was blessedthat I had an incredible partner
(34:21):
for 42 years who, you know,supported me at every turn.
I know not everyone has thatsupported me at every turn.
I know not everyone has that.
So the dynamic with yourchildren, you know, with your
significant other, is verydifficult at times for a lot of
people, and I don't have anymagic words of advice other than
(34:42):
to say that in many ways thejob is what it is and you didn't
know that when you signed up.
So you know we all have to behonest with ourselves and
recognize that.
You know, nobody thought theywere going to walk out of the
academy and go to first shiftSaturdays and Sundays.
So you find other ways to dealwith it.
Right, you find other ways todeal with it.
The one thing that I alwayssuggest to people is that you
(35:03):
don't lose your other friends,and that sometimes is difficult,
as you know, because you're theonly person working second or
third shift, with tuesday andwednesday off.
everybody else wants to go outon friday night, have nice
dinner and you know, whatever,and you're the only odd person
out, and so what ends uphappening a lot of times is that
(35:23):
you end up collapsing yourcircle and the only people in
your circle are fellow firstresponders who are living in the
same dream you are, but I thinkI don't think that's healthy,
because I think when you'rearound first responders all the
time you get a very uh slantedview of the world and a very
slanted view of human beings,and you forget they're actually
(35:45):
good people out there.
So, as much much as you can, youknow, I would encourage you to
hang on to your civilian friends, if you will, the people that
you know, and that goes for yourfamily too, and sometimes it
takes some effort and you've gotto make some effort to make
sure you stay connected.
Tyra Valeriano (36:01):
So I know you said you don't have any magic
words, but 42 years is a reallygreat accomplishment, especially
in law enforcement.
So is there any advice that youhave for those who have a
marriage or family in lawenforcement that you guys stuck
through that many years?
Stan Partlow (36:17):
Yeah, I think the best advice I can give is
communicate, communicate,communicate and communicate,
which is probably what you wouldhear in any relationship, but I
think in this field it requireseven more.
So if you thought you know thislevel of communication is okay
in the rest of the world, youprobably need this level in the
(36:38):
law enforcement community,because it is a difficult job on
a lot of levels and you knowthat from having done it.
It's sometimes difficult to letyour significant other in.
Sometimes you don't want to dothat because you really don't
want to expose them to thethings that you're dealing with.
But you also have to be smartenough to recognize that you're
(36:59):
different and they're going towonder why.
And sometimes they're going toimmediately assume that it's
something that they did orsomething that kids did, and it
really has nothing to do withthat.
It's something you're dealingwith at work.
So you know you've got to,you've got to think about that.
One of the stories that I oftentell I actually speak as the
last speaker at the bridge tokind of get people ready to go
(37:21):
home, you know, from from thisweekend and one of the stories
that I tell is that you know, tome time is the ultimate
currency.
It's the only thing you can'tmake more of.
You know you can make moremoney, you can get more stuff,
but you cannot make more time.
And I remember as a youngerofficer, you know I would
literally take a week off aroundChristmas time and go work
(37:46):
special duty at a big box store12 hours a day, standing in
uniform, making sure that nobodywas stealing anything, dealing
with all the knuckleheads of theuniverse, dealing with all the
moms who would bring theirlittle kids up to me and say, if
you're not really good.
That police officer is going totake you to jail and what I
really wanted to do was take herto jail.
(38:06):
You know you're standing onconcrete with that gun belt
cutting you in half.
You can get that picture inyour mind right?
You've done it, and I did thatfor an entire week, Took a week
vacation that I could have takenwith my family.
Why did I do that?
I did it to make money Back inmy day.
We didn't get paid very much,so that was a way I could make
(38:27):
money to get my kids thechristmas that I thought they
deserved.
The biggest mistake that I evermade was I didn't talk to my
wife about that, because I was apain in the ass.
That week I was exhausted andshe'd want to go do something
for christmas maybe go to aconcert or go to visit friends
or whatever and I'm like I'm notdoing it, I'm beat, I'm I'm not
(38:48):
doing it, I'm beat, I'm whipped, I'm physically, mentally tired
and I'm beat.
And I just took away a week oftime that I could have spent
doing fun stuff with her and mykids.
And I did it for the rightreason in my own mind, that I
thought my kids deserved to haveyou know more Barbie dolls, I
guess for Christmas, deserve tohave you know more barbie dolls,
(39:12):
I guess for christmas.
But the biggest mistake that Imade tire, honestly, if I could
and my wife again passed awayfour years ago, but if I could
have that time back, I would goback and say honey, what
do you want me to do?
You know, you know what thebudget is.
Can we do christmas the way wewant to do it, without me doing
this work?
Or should I do half of the workor none of it at all?
I never did that.
(39:34):
So I thought I was doing theright thing, but in retrospect I
don't think I did the rightthing for her.
I don't think I did the rightthing for my kids.
It wasn't I was, you know,trying to do anything bad or
evil.
The thought was good, but theexecution was poor.
And it was really because Inever sat down and asked her
what do you want?
And honestly, if she were heretoday, I think she would look at
(39:56):
me and say all I really wantedwas for you to be with us.
Right, we didn't need.
The kids didn't need anothertoy, they didn't need another
barbie doll, they didn't needwhatever it was.
I didn't need another piece ofjewelry.
So that money that I made, youknow what purpose did it really
(40:16):
serve?
Now again, I'm looking at thatthrough a 66-year-old guy's lens
and not through a 28-year-oldguy's lens or a 35-year-old
guy's lens, when I thought thatwas really important.
So I guess the lesson for me isthat you know if you can
communicate, you know you'll befar ahead of the game and don't
be afraid to go get counseling.
You know your marriage, yourrelationship with your
(40:38):
significant other, yourrelationship with your kids,
hopefully will last far longerthan your career, and if you
screw it up during your careeryou may end up being my age and
not having it at all.
You may not have a relationshipwith your kids or your
grandkids or your significantother, or you may be married
three or four times, whateverthe case might be, because you
(40:59):
didn't take care of businessalong the way.
So if you need counseling, youknow, man up, woman up and go
get it.
Tyra Valeriano (41:07):
I'm 36 years old and everything you just said I
100% see that.
Now ask me if I was in lawenforcement, if I could
understand what you're saying,and I probably wouldn't be able
to.
It's not until you get out thatyou realize how important it is
, and I think this is justanother addition to the podcast.
And why I'm doing what I'mdoing is because I am still
(41:29):
young and I'm able to see thingsin a different light than most
people are my age in lawenforcement and I know a lot of
them aren't going to take to it.
But I think these conversationsare important because it shows
this is consistent.
This is not just because I'msaying it or you know, the
person after me is saying it.
This has been going on for along time and the message is
time is important.
(41:49):
Time is all you have and it'snot forever.
There's one question that I askall of my guests what is one
thing you would tell your rookieself?
Stan Partlow (42:00):
I think the big thing that I would tell my
rookie self is don't forget whyyou took the job.
There's a guy out there namedSimon Sinek who I love.
I talk about him in my book,actually, and he talks about
this idea of why and he saysthat organizations and people
understand what they do and howthey do it, but most of us don't
(42:21):
think about why we do it.
So when you decided you wantedto become a police officer, you
had a why.
You might not have reallythought about it in those terms,
but if you really look at whatit takes to become a police
officer, no one goes throughthat process willingly, right?
You know, sometimes it takes ayear or more.
You're going through you knowbackground investigations and
(42:44):
oral boards and polygraphs andphysicals.
It's not a normal job.
And then once you get there toyou know our point just a few
minutes ago you're working shiftwork.
You're seeing, you know thenegatives out there.
So what changed in you from thetime you were bright, shiny,
sitting in that classroom orsitting in that first roll call,
(43:05):
to five years down the road andnow you're this crusty.
You know old-time policeofficer who's been through the
battle.
You know what changed and Iwould submit that for most of us
it's because we forgot our why.
So when you think about the darkdays and they will come, no
matter where you are you know, Iused to think I worked in a big
(43:27):
city right department at about19, underscored, you know, 14th
largest city in the unitedstates, big city, big city
problem I used to think, wow,you know, those folks in the
suburbs, they don't really, theydon't get this.
That's not true anymore.
You can work.
It doesn't matter where youwork in this country, whether
you're on a five officerdepartment or a 5 000 officer
(43:48):
department, the problems arethere, the active shooters are
there, the school shootings arethere, the bad things are
happening everywhere.
It's there's no mayberry leftanymore.
So, no matter where you are,you're going to experience that
and you're going to experiencethose dark times.
And what I would submit to youis that the way you can work
your way out of that darkness isto start thinking about the
(44:11):
light, and the light is why youtook that job.
Now, if you get to the placewhere you believe that you can't
live that why anymore, thenmaybe it is time to leave, maybe
it is time to take that earlyretirement.
Maybe it is time to look for adifferent career.
I understand that retirement.
Maybe it is time to look for adifferent career I understand
(44:31):
that, but for most of us, if wehold up that, why in front of us
we could say okay, that's why Idid this, all right, how do I
get back to that?
How do I get back to that?
so hang on to your why, and yourwhy is going to change over
your career.
You know it's going to.
It's going to, it's going tomorph, it's going to be modified
a little bit and, particularlyif you decide to take the
leadership track, your why willdefinitely change as you move
(44:54):
into those assignments andyou're now responsible for other
human beings.
As you know, tyra, thatsometimes is a daunting effort
when you think about wow, lifewas easy when I was just
responsible for me, or maybe mypartner, and now I have a shift
of people I'm responsible for.
Tyra Valeriano (45:11):
Holy cow.
Stan Partlow (45:12):
You know that's a bigger deal, but hang on to your
why.
And again, if you want to learnmore about the why, look at
Simon Sinek.
He did a great YouTube video,only about nine minutes long, on
Apple's why, and it's reallyinteresting when you listen to
it.
There's nowhere in the why thatthey ever talk about making
electronic devices.
(45:33):
They talk about things likebeautiful designs, force,
disruption, things like that.
So when you listen to that andyou sort of sit back and really
think about why did I really gothrough this, why did I take
this job and that's what I thinkyou can hang on to That'll take
you back to the light andhopefully move you out of the
darkness.
And if you're trapped, don't beafraid to ask for help.
(45:54):
Don't be afraid to ask for help.
Whether it's your supervisor,another police officer, a
therapist, a peer support person, don't be afraid to ask for
help.
Tyra Valeriano (46:07):
You just gave all kinds of great knowledge and
experience today.
I appreciate it so much.
Is there any kind of contactinformation that you can share
with the listeners if they wantto make contact with you?
Stan Partlow (46:17):
Absolutely.
I would love to hear fromanyone who wants to talk about
law enforcement.
It is in my blood.
It will be in my blood untilI'm drawing my last breath.
I will do anything that I canto help anybody in this
profession, so please contact meon LinkedIn.
You're welcome to look for meon LinkedIn Stan Parlow on
LinkedIn and I also share myemail address.
(46:40):
It's sepjr505 at gmailcom.
Drop me a note and I would loveto chat with you and, if I can
help guide you to a supportnetwork, either the bridge or
another one like that, if you goon the bridge website.
There are some other resources,so I didn't even think about
that when you asked thatquestion, tyra, but there's an
(47:01):
easy place to start.
If you put infirstrespondersbridgeorg.
There's a list of resourcesthere that your leaders might
want to look at and say to youknow their team, hey, here's
some places that you might, youknow, contact in order to get
some help.
So you know, Godspeed to all ofyou on your career.
God bless you.
Please be safe out there, and Iwould love to chat with any of
(47:24):
you that that want to talk.
Tyra Valeriano (47:27):
Thank you so much, stan, and just to let you
guys know, check out his book,check out the website.
If you're interested in theseminar, please reach out to him
.
He has a lot of knowledge andexperience and I'm sure you guys
can have a great conversationjust like the one we had today.
I appreciate you joining me.
You guys stay safe and I'll seeyou on the next one.
Thank you for joining me onchapter blue.
(47:49):
If you enjoyed today's episode,be sure to follow and tag me on
social media and share withyour friends and fellow officers
.
If you're interested in joiningan episode, I'd love for you to
be a part of the conversation.
Until next time, stay safe,take care of yourself and
remember you're never alone inthis journey.
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