We're Back: Solo Episode with T. Val

Episode Transcript
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SPEAKER_00 (00:04):
Wow, it has been a while since I have updated you
guys in chapter blue.
And it has actually been about,I don't know, seven months maybe
since my last episode has beenaired.
Uh there has been a lot goingon, and there are some changes
that I want to make to thepodcast.
Um, I took some time off formany, many reasons, and I feel

(00:29):
that I'm ready to be the voicethat I decided for this podcast
when I created it over a yearago.
Uh, Chapter Blue's birthday didpass on November 21st.
And I will say that it is thankyou to all of the listeners and
the guests that kept ChapterBlue active even while I was

(00:51):
gone.
I had a lot of downloads, I hada lot of messages, a lot of
outreach, especially from lawenforcement, that found several
different episodes relatable tothemselves or their agencies or
even their personal life.
So those messages over the pastseveral months have been a huge

(01:12):
factor in why I am making thisuh new episode and kind of
reintroducing chapter blue.
I no longer think I'm going tohave an intro music introduction
to my podcast.
I think I'm gonna remove that sowe can just get straight to the

(01:32):
point each time.
And I just want to really updateyou guys on what's been going on
in my life, hopefully, so thatyou can find it relatable.
Obviously, not everything isgoing to be law enforcement
related, but we are human andevery first responder is going
to have issues or things theyare battling or overcoming or

(01:53):
dealing with in their personallife that isn't related to work,
but we know that work canenhance those things.
And if that is something thatyou're going through, then
hopefully this episode will helpyou have some clarity or maybe
give you some new ideas on howto approach what it is that
you're going through.
I do want to use my voice forgood.

(02:15):
I like I said, I had a lot ofmessages from my listeners
reaching out, people that Idon't know, people that I do
know that really enjoy mypodcast.
And I can't say that I'msurprised or not surprised.
I think what it is is that thosemessages have really helped in
building me up to actually startagain.

(02:37):
And there are things that I havecome to terms with in my journey
that I found important to share,and this is where we're at.
So today is actually going to bea solo episode, and I've only
done a solo episode one timebefore where I shared my story.
I want to say that was inepisode five.
I've had a lot of downloads fromthat.

(02:57):
I know my business is out there,but I also had a lot of people
who found it very relatable, andthat really is the message that
I want to give to those whomight be struggling through
something similar.
And though it was really hard totalk about some of the things
that I did in that episode,there is gonna be some follow-up
from that episode in today'spodcast.

(03:20):
So um yeah, this is probablygonna be the longest episode
that I've also recorded.
So be ready.
First, uh, I've had somerevelations and it came from
visiting America.
So many of you guys know that Ileft law enforcement in May of

(03:41):
2022, and I took on thisadventure of my retirement.
My retirement was actuallyplanned for retirement.
I had no intentions of leavinglaw enforcement or my career
earlier than anticipated, butlife happens and things happen,
and this was probably the areaof my life that I had the

(04:04):
hardest time accepting.
But once I did, you know, thisis where a lot of things came to
light for me.
And I'm still going through, youknow, detachment and struggling
with identity and all of thesethings.
I I want to say that it's moreof a roller coaster than
anything.
And I thought by now, becauseI've hit a lot of peaks, um, if

(04:26):
if we can just call it that,I've hit a lot of peaks during
the time that I've been out oflaw enforcement where I felt
like, oh yeah, you know, I'm Ifeel like I'm done, I'm in a
good place, um, I would never goback.
And it's not to say that I'vechanged my mind, but there are
those valleys that I still hitfrom time to time where I do

(04:47):
think about my career and Ithink about the reason why I
went in.
And then it goes into reallysearching deep as to what was
the reasoning for my career.
What did I get out of it?
Um, the whole reason why I gotin, everybody knows, was because
I got divorced.
I needed to make more money.
It was a career, it wasreputable and respectable at

(05:10):
that time.
I wanted to be a role model formy kids.
I also wanted to be a supporterfinancially for my kids.
I mean, all of the things that Iwanted out of this career came
from a very good place.
And I had no idea what I wasgoing to experience during that
time, just like most peopledon't.

(05:32):
And it's not all negative andit's not all positive.
Everybody has their own journey,they will have their own
perception of their time in lawenforcement or their first
responder career.
Um, but ultimately I have beengoing through these peaks and
valleys over these past fewyears.
And this summer, uh, I did goback to America for several

(05:56):
months.
Two months the first time, andthen just a little less than a
month the second time.
And I knew that I was going tobe facing all of the things that
I left behind.
And I didn't run away from thosethings.
It was more like I needed tofind me and really put into
perspective what I was doingwith my life.

(06:17):
Who was I?
What was I if I wasn't a policeofficer, if I wasn't a cop, if I
wasn't in law enforcement, isthe blue line really my family?
Are they gonna be there when I'mnot there?
Are they gonna stick around?
You know, are they gonna besomebody that I can call on when
I'm having those hard times?
And these are all things orrevelations, if you will, uh,

(06:42):
that I have come to terms with.
And I'm now in a part of my lifewhere I have learned to accept
things that are out of mycontrol and mindset.
Mindset is huge.
And I do want to talk a littlebit about that on today's
podcast.
Um, but I just really hope thatyou guys can find some relation

(07:04):
to what we're gonna talk abouttoday.
It's a lot of closing andopening of chapters and
accepting that roller coaster ofpeaks and valleys, finding new
things of interest, getting outof my comfort zone, why it's so
important for each of you to dothat, and what do you get out of
it?
Um, long term, I really justwant to harp on this.

(07:28):
So when you get out of lawenforcement, we can just speak
for any first responder field.
But for the purpose of chapterblue, let's focus on law
enforcement.
Um, you know, when we get out ofit, I have done a lot of
conversations, had a lot ofconversations with so many
people, so many people.
And I mean people that are justphenomenal.
I've I've talked to people whohave had 30, 40 plus years in

(07:53):
law enforcement, people whoworked for the FBI, people who
worked for Secret Service,people who have done uh really
great things in the criminaljustice field.
I mean, my podcast has connectedme to so many people, and I am
forever grateful because theinsight that they have is
definitely insight that I don'thave because I was not in the

(08:15):
field as long as they were, butit doesn't mean that I don't
have insight that is valuable.
And I want to make that clear tothose of you who may not have,
you know, 20, 30 years in thejob or the career, and you feel
like you don't have value.
That is absolutely far or thefurthest you can get from the
truth.
Anyone who gets in this career,uh, your service is invaluable,

(08:38):
especially in today's day andage.
You know, we look at what lawenforcement is facing today, and
it's definitely a lot differentthan when I started, and it's
changed a lot.
So it goes back to the questionthat I get asked a lot is would
you ever go back?
And my answer is always, Iwouldn't go back unless I had
to, um, or if I had to.

(09:00):
And I actually addressed thisanswer on LinkedIn not too long
ago, and I got a really greatresponse from a lot of people.
And it really made me think, whydo I say that?
You know, why is it reallybecause I hate the job or I
hated, you know, whatever.
But no, it really is justbecause I've had enough time out

(09:20):
to reconnect the dots on who Iam, what I lost, what we give
up.
And we tend to focus on thenegative things when we want to
feel validated in why we steppedaway and we forget about the
positive things.
But then when we're away for awhile, we tend to forget about
the negative things that weexperienced and only focus on

(09:41):
the positive.
And so I think this is wherethese peaks and valleys come in
because we're struggling withtrying to determine whether us
getting out was really somethingthat we needed to do or wanted
to do, or did we just do itbecause, you know, we thought at
that moment it was what wasbest.
And we just probably have a lotof questions.
I think that all of us have gonethrough this based on the

(10:03):
conversations that I've had overthe past couple of years.
Um, it makes me really justthink about that answer.
And I had to put some thoughtinto why I say that.
Well, I want to harp on my ownreality and situation when it
comes to this, and that is, Ididn't get into law enforcement

(10:24):
because it was my dream.
I didn't get into lawenforcement because I wanted to
be a cop and make a differencein the world.
I didn't get into lawenforcement because I had that
type of um, you know,encouragement or I was following
a role model.
In fact, speaking of rolemodels, I don't even have a role
model.
I have never really had a rolemodel.

(10:46):
And even till this day, I don'treally have a role model that I
look up to and say, oh, I want,you know, I aspire to be that
way.
I've kind of just traveled myown path, and my path is very
different, especially when itcomes to my personal life in
terms of being a mother, um, youknow, my career choice, the
ladder that I climbed, um, myprogress in life.

(11:06):
It's just very different thanprobably most people.
So I tend not to really have arole model.
But when I go back to, you know,that whole idea of why did I get
in and what does law enforcementmean to me, I just had the
intention of being that personfor my kids.

(11:27):
I wanted to be the mom thatshowed them they are capable of
anything and that their mom iswilling to do whatever it takes
to make sure that they're takencare of, um, that I had a
reputable and responsiblecareer, that, you know, I was
willing to save lives, savetheir life, make sure they knew

(11:48):
that I was strong enough to havetheir back despite life and
death situations.
It was almost like proving apoint to my kids who were at
that time just like three andsix years old, you know, like
little kids.
And uh I wanted to be that forthem.
But as my journey went on, andas you guys already know from my
previous uh solo episode, that'sjust not how it play it played

(12:11):
out for me.
And even though I went in withthe best of intentions, the
career kind of crept in and tooklittle pieces of me slowly.
And I had to learn how tounderstand why perceptions and
the way people saw me.

(12:32):
Um it didn't really matter, butI had to understand it in order
to be okay and be at peace withmy decisions and the outcomes in
my life.
And I actually didn't reach thatuntil here recently.
So really, this just goes intothe mindset and to
accountability, to being able toaccept things that are out of

(12:55):
your control.
And these are things that wedon't tend to do in law
enforcement.
This may not be relatable toeverybody.
So I just want to make sure thatyou guys are aware that I'm not
speaking for anyone other thanmyself.
Um, but if you find that you canrelate to what I'm saying, then
the message is important foryou.
I have come to terms now thatI'm not in law enforcement, that

(13:20):
I did not know how to acceptwhat was out of my control.
I wanted to be in control ofthings that I knew that I
couldn't.
Um I knew that no matter howhard I fought for something, it
wasn't going to change theoutcome, even though I wanted it
to.
It did it didn't matter, youknow, what I said or how hard I
tried to prove that intentionswere pure and that, you know,

(13:44):
what others may be saying aboutthis career choice or what my
intentions were in doing it, itdidn't matter.
It was out of my control.
But regardless, I stayed in thatcareer for over 10 years.
And now that I look back and seewhat it's taken from me, it
really put into perspective alot, you know.

(14:04):
Um, I'm not trying to hound onthe negativity of law
enforcement, but let's be real.
I I want to have this realconversation about the effects
that we have.
And it is important to talkabout because, you know, we're
dealing with suicides and peoplewho are quitting and having a
hard time building their lifeoutside of this career and

(14:27):
trying to find meaning andpurpose and not knowing how to
do that.
I mean, this is a very commonthing that I see across the
field.
And you have to remember that Ihave I've spoken to hundreds of
people about law enforcement andtheir experience and their
careers and their struggles andall of this, that I have just

(14:50):
made my own conclusion, not tosay that it's right or wrong.
It's just like I said, it'sgonna be my own experience and
my thoughts.
But really, we do not know howto let go of things that are not
in our control.
And it takes a lot from us.
So we give so much to thecareer.
I think most of us do that.

(15:12):
We tend to want to be involvedin everything, we don't want to
miss out.
We want to be the best at thejob, we want to uh, you know,
promote in our career.
We want to be better thaneveryone else.
We want to prove ourselves, wewant to show what we're capable
of.
You know, I can get this manydrugs off the street doing this

(15:32):
search warrant, watch me workand look at what I can do.
And, you know, just all thesethings that we get so tied up in
and we forget that we have alife outside of this job.
So we take all the overtime, wesay it's because we need the
extra money, you know, we'retrying to save for a house,
we're going on this vacation,we're doing Christmas, whatever
the case may be.

(15:53):
Um, but in turn of doing allthose things for these reasons,
we get tied up in little areasof our life that we don't
realize that we're giving to thejob and we're letting go of our
personal life.
And we disconnect from thingsthat really matter, including
our identity, and it becomes whowe are because we're just trying
to be so good at what we dobecause we love it.

(16:14):
Uh, we want to be better, wewant to get more experience, we
want to be able to do this joband show that we are worthy and
that we are making a difference.
But, you know, we we lose trackof what the meaning really is.
And is it really that?
You know, we go in, some of ussay in our interview process,
you know, when they ask us, whydo you want to be a police

(16:36):
officer?
I bet you I can count a thousandtimes, a thousand times that
they have heard, I want to makea difference, uh, I want to
change lives, you know, I wantto change the world.
I'm sure that people who dothese interviews have heard that
a million times.
And it's not to say that it'snot true, because it it's

(16:57):
probably true for some people,but maybe it's just the standard
answer that some people mightsay because that's what they
think law enforcement is.
And in today's society, I'mgonna say that law enforcement
is more reactive than proactive,and that has a lot to do with
politics, society, just a lot ofthe pressures that surround law

(17:17):
enforcement.
So it really hinders what thejob is and what it can do and
what it's supposed to do.
And now we're running into somany problems that it's a
question to ask yourself is itreally worth getting into this
career, knowing that all ofthese issues are surrounding it.
And even though we want toexperience what law enforcement

(17:38):
is supposed to be and what it isreally meant to do, uh, that's
just not the experience thatmost people are gonna get
because it's out of theircontrol.
Once again, it's accepting thatit's out of your control, and no
matter how hard you work yourass off to try to prove that you
can do this job and what you'redoing is making a difference, it
is out of your control what theend result is going to be.

(17:59):
And that goes to what is the endresult, right?
So let's put it in perspectiveto law enforcement terms.
You know, you're going out thereand there is, you know, I don't
know, somebody who just murderedsomeone and you do the
investigation and you find outwho it is, you arrest them.
And depending on the state thatyou're in, that person's out
within three to five years, andnow they're out committing more

(18:22):
crimes.
And now the crimes that they'recommitting is catch and release,
and they're just committingcrime after crime after crime,
and the state is just not doinganything to help you out as a
police officer.
So in turn, it's frustrating thecommunity.
The community's mad at the cops,you know, we're not doing
anything, we're not doingenough, you know.
What why is this person out?
This person has committed allthese crimes, and you just get

(18:45):
tied up in things that arereally out of your control.
And how does that make yourefforts and your job enjoyable?
It doesn't, it takes away fromthat, and it takes it takes away
from you little by little bylittle, and you start to
disconnect, you start to feellike uh you're not contributing,
you're kind of gettingfrustrated, it's taking its toll

(19:07):
on you, you're losing sleepbecause you work so much, you've
dived into your job, you'restill trying to prove that you
can do what you're supposed todo, takes away from your family,
and then maybe you run into thisincident that it just hits you
hard, right?
You you experience a case or acall that you just can't get out
of your head, and now you're oneof the ones that are struggling
sleeping, PTSD, not being ableto focus.

(19:30):
And it all comes back to themindset that we have and
accepting what is in our controland what is not.
Uh, I don't say this, you know,to uh take away from those who
need to seek help or they wantother options, or if they need
therapy.
That is absolutely not what I'msaying because all of those

(19:51):
things are very relevant toeverybody.
But my experience, I didn't needany of that.
Um, I'm a pretty intellectualperson.
I like to Think about things ina rabbit hole.
I like to really try tounderstand myself.
And I didn't really have theability to do that when I was a
police officer.
Um, I knew that I was good at myjob.

(20:12):
I enjoyed what I did.
There were times that I didn'tenjoy what I did, and I didn't
realize how much it took awayfrom me as a person until I got
out and how much I struggled toget back on track.
I'm gonna say I'm about 80%there.
I feel like there's still aportion of me that I am
struggling with and trying toaccept the things that I have no

(20:34):
control over.
And it's not all related to thejob, but the job has a huge
factor into why I'm having sucha hard time connecting with this
part of me because I feel that Iam not as sensitive as most
people.
I lack some empathy.
And you would think that as apolice officer, I need to have

(20:55):
empathy, but I just really don'thave empathy for a lot of
things.
Um, my understanding of whypeople do what they do.
I have to really choose to lookat that and say, let me
understand why they're seeing itthis way.
And accept that not all peopleare going to think in depth
about what they're saying orwhat they're doing or why

(21:17):
they're acting the way they'reacting or avoiding conversations
that they don't want to have.
Like these are all things that,you know, I've had to really
work on.
Um, but anyways, getting back tothe point, these are long-term
effects that I've had uh fromthe career.
And I don't see them going awayanytime soon.

(21:38):
Uh, I do have peace now, youknow, I have peace in my life.
Um, I do think about the careera lot still.
Uh sometimes I'm like, man, Iwant to go back because uh I
feel like I can do it.
It's more about proving it tomyself that I can just get back
in it and I'm good to go.
But the reality is that's notthat's not a good reason to get

(22:00):
back in, especially now knowingeverything that it did to me as
a person, what it changed in me.
I used to tell people that if Iwouldn't have left when I did, I
don't know that my relationshipwith my husband would have
lasted.
And it's not because of anythingother than me.
I just wasn't, like I said,empathetic.
I didn't have any kind ofemotion or consideration to the

(22:24):
struggles or problems that wewere having in our relationship
because I was so focused on workand I didn't really care to hear
it because I was already donewith dealing with people and
then to go home and have to dealwith whatever things we needed
to deal with at home.
I just didn't want to deal withit.
And if I were to have continueddown that path, I can't imagine
my husband wanting to deal withme for much longer, you know.

(22:49):
And also, you know, I've talkedabout the suicide of a child who
was 11 years old during COVIDtime.
Um, he shot himself in a field,and I had an 11-year-old at
home.
And even though that case stuckwith me, not in the sense of

(23:09):
like, oh, I had PTSD andnightmares, it stuck with me
because I went home.
Well, actually, I I continued myday at work.
Like, I didn't just see that,and then I went home and I
realized I have an 11-year-oldat home, and there's parents out
there with a kid who's also 11that they just lost, who, you

(23:30):
know, did this and is probablygoing through something
excruciating.
And I have no idea what that'slike, but I saw it, you know.
I saw I saw it.
And how can I come home andjust, you know, get out of
uniform, shower, and and go tobed?
Like, what is wrong with me?
That's why that case stuck withme.
And these are all things that Ithink just make you disconnected

(23:54):
with things around you.
I'm not gonna say that it's notit's a terrible thing if you
aren't married or you don't havea family and kids, but I do
think it can be a terrible thingif you have a family and you're
married with kids because itreally does affect your home
life.
Um, for people who are single,I'm gonna say that it can still

(24:15):
affect you because it's gonna bereally hard to find a
relationship that's willing totolerate whatever it is that you
are becoming.
Um, nobody's gonna really wantto deal with that.
And then if they do, this isprobably why there are so many
domestics in law enforcementrelationships, or you know,
people cheat on people becausethey feel that their spouse

(24:37):
doesn't understand them and theyget divorced or whatever the
case may be.
I mean, there's just a lot ofproblems, but really, you know,
we have to take accountabilityfor ourselves and look at us and
be like, well, what is it thatI'm doing that's contributing to
what's going on in my personallife?
So yeah, these are just a lot ofrevelations that I've had.

(24:58):
And, you know, what I got out ofmy career is that I made a lot
of contributions to thecommunity in little efforts that
I made.
Uh, I talked about in a postthat I had made on LinkedIn.
I posted it on my Instagram too,but uh there were many times
where, you know, we do CPR onpeople, or you know, we're

(25:20):
patching a gunshot wound orwe're applying a tourniquet,
we're doing all these things,and then they're off with medics
and they go to the hospital andyou know, investigators are
assigned the case and theyfollow up.
So the first responders, us aspolice officers, you know, when
we first go to the scene, weusually don't hear much about
the case after that unless weinquire about it.

(25:41):
And I'm gonna say for the mostpart, I didn't inquire about
cases that were then assigned toinvestigators because, you know,
I'm dealing with more casesevery single day.
So um there's a lot of timeswhere you forget that your
contribution in that little timeframe contributed to somebody's

(26:01):
life being saved or a case beingsolved when it goes to court or
being able to catch the suspectbased on securing the crime
scene and holding witnesses andarresting the suspect or the
offender on scene, or you know,whatever the case may be.
Like there's all these littlethings that we do that we forget

(26:24):
contributed to some good that wedon't give ourselves credit for.
So those are some ideas orthoughts that I've had recently
that make me feel like, okay,you know, my career was good.
I I did a lot of good and I'mhappy with the strides that I
made in my career, even thoughmy personal life didn't actually

(26:45):
affect my personal life the wayI wanted it to.
I wanted it to be for my kids.
I wanted my kids to feelinspired.
I don't, I can't say that Iwanted my kids to become cops
when they grew up.
Um, but after being in thecareer for a little bit, I think
I would say I probably wouldhave been really happy if they
decided that they wanted to be apolice officer growing up.

(27:06):
Um, but they didn't get to spendthat much time with me uh during
my career, you know, personalstuff that happened and um cord
and just things that areunrelated to the career happened
and they didn't follow myfootsteps, and that's okay.
I mean, that's okay.
But now that I realize what Iwent through, they they aren't

(27:28):
gonna know that.
And these little realizationsare things that you have to do
internally.
You know, you have to sit withyourself and really question
like, what can I do to be abetter person?
What do I need to do to changethe way I am?
Um, you know, what can I do tohelp those around me understand
me better?
Uh, you know, there's thesethings that you need to talk to

(27:49):
yourself about that we don't doas cops because at some point we
just don't care.
Uh, we just think that the worldrevolves around us and
everything we went through inthe day and all the stress and
all of the trauma and all of thethings that we responded to.
Uh, we just think that I justwent through this and I don't
want to deal with it.
I just want to sit here and donothing, or I just want to be

(28:10):
left alone.
You know, those reactions to ouroutside environment from the job
is really what the problem isbecause we're choosing, probably
unintentionally choosing to notdeal with it.
So if you can find any relationto that, you know, my word of
advice is really to take thetime to sit with yourself and

(28:31):
dig deep into these questions ordig deep into these ideas that
I'm talking about.
Because for you as a person, ifyou start to ask yourself those
questions and you're like, holyshit, like this sounds like me,
you know, you have some innerwork to do, and nobody can do
that for you but you.
I mean, you can go to atherapist and talk to them about

(28:52):
it, and they can give you ideason how you can work on it, but
they're not going to be able tosolve your problems.
Like, you have to do it foryourself, and you have to do it
because you want to do it, andit's got to be on you.
So there's really nobody thatyou can blame.
You can't blame the career.
Yes, the career is a hugecontributor to why we end up in

(29:13):
these positions, but ultimatelywe are responsible for
ourselves.
And that's just kind of theconclusion that I have come up,
come up with, I guess you cansay.
Um, so this summer, uh, I put mylast episode that I posted, I
didn't really give you guys anidea that I wouldn't be posting
after that.

(29:33):
I want to say thank you to allof the guests that I've had that
I have not posted yet.
Um, I know that it's probably aninconvenience for them.
However, I do have to put mymental health and my family
first when it comes to what'sgoing on in my personal life.
So I really just had to put ahalt on any other things that I

(29:57):
had going on, any kind of, youknow, endeavors that I was
pursuing and just focus on whatit was that I was going to be
dealing with when I went home.
So, you know, I went home uh towatch my son graduate from high
school.
He also left to the Navy andgraduated from boot camp.
And now he's in the Navy andhe's in A school.

(30:17):
Um, I have my other son who's ina military school, he should be
graduating in a few weeks fromthere.
And so a lot of things happened.
Um, I over the years have triedmany, many times uh to bring my
kids to where I'm at, to havethem visit, to, you know, call,

(30:39):
text, all these things.
And the efforts just were nottwo-way.
And eventually I've come to aposition in my life where I had
to face that I was angry.
I was angry because after somany years of dealing with the
same patterns, I had to go homeand face it.
Like I still showed up, youknow, I still showed up.

(31:01):
And regardless of how otherpeople may look at that and say,
no, she didn't show up.
No, she didn't do this, shedidn't do that.
I knew I showed, I showed up,but it's not reciprocated, you
know.
Like if you're not going toaccept how I'm showing up and
this is not how you want me toshow up, you have to communicate
that, and there's just nocommunication.
So I had already built up a lotof anger and resentment um for a

(31:26):
lot of people back at home.
And I knew that me going homewas going to be hard.
And I knew that I was going tohave to face a lot of the things
that I had built up inside ofme.
And um I was trying to mentallyprepare for that.
So when it came to the podcast,I actually I want to say maybe

(31:48):
about 10 to 15 episodes I havenot posted yet.
Um, I had every intention ofediting them while I was away,
but you know, I like I said, Ireally had to prioritize what it
was that I was going through.
And um yeah, I faced a lot ofthings.
Um, there was a lot of truththat I found out, and it kind of

(32:10):
brings me to intuition andspirituality.
I am not a religious person, Inever have been.
Um, it's not that I don't wantto be, it's just not something I
was ever brought up with.
I wasn't brought up in religion,I was never instilled religious,
you know, aspects of life.

(32:32):
I never read the Bible, like Ijust wasn't raised that way.
So, you know, being in lawenforcement, um, you would think
that I would search forspirituality and I didn't.
I actually want to say that Ihave decided to open myself up
to spirituality now more thanever, and it came because of
intuition.

(32:53):
And I know that sounds kind ofcrazy, but the reason why I'm
bringing this up, despite howwoo-woo it's gonna sound to some
people, it's because this is myexperience and it worked for me,
and it's not gonna work foreverybody, it's not gonna make
anybody's mind change based onmy experience, but ultimately it
is the idea of being open to newideas and considerations and

(33:15):
just you know, being able toopen your mind to new things.
But anyways, I've always knownI've had a pretty strong
intuition, and I would say as acop, most of us have it.
You know, you stop that car on atraffic stop and your gut is
screaming at you like, be safe,you know, watch their hands.
Um, you just, you know, you youknow if you're in law

(33:38):
enforcement, you know exactlywhat I'm talking about.
The the gut feeling that we get,it is your intuition, and it's
not just a cop thing.
I think that everybody has this,but when you are a police
officer, it heightens thatintuition and you tend to listen
to it more because you don'twant to die, you don't want to
get hurt, you don't want anybodyelse to get hurt.
So you tend to work off of thatintuition, even though in legal

(33:59):
terms they're gonna say, okay,well, intuition, you know,
that's not something that youcan go based off of.
But by all means, I know that Ihave worked off of intuition
many times, and I will say thatit avoided a lot of catastrophe
that could have probablyhappened.
So, in short, um, I've alwayshad a really good intuition, and
um it made me want to explorethat side of spirituality more,

(34:24):
and that came to light wheneverI went home because a lot of
things came to light when I wenthome.
A lot of truths were found out,were told, were explained.
And all of these things that Ifound out were things that I
already knew, but I couldn'tprove.
It's like I already knew thesethings, but I just couldn't
explain how I knew.
I couldn't explain why.

(34:45):
If I wanted to, you know, decideto have a confrontation or I
wanted to address a situation,and somebody were to be like,
okay, well, I don't know whatyou're talking about.
And even though I knew what Iwas talking about, like I
couldn't prove it to them.
So I just had to sit with thesethings over the years and just
be like, maybe I'm crazy, likeI'm just making this shit up in
my head.

(35:06):
And no, it actually showed thatwhat I was feeling was spot on.
I was right.
And this to me is what mademakes a good cop too, you know,
like you have that intuitionwhen you learn how to work with
it, trust it, you know, whenit's wrong or whatever the case
may be, you you tend to want toknow why do you have that?

(35:28):
So I I don't want to bring upthis conversation for the reason
of bashing anybody, but this isactually a really crazy
situation.
And it sounds, I want to saythat you guys are probably gonna
be like, what the fuck?
She sounds super crazy.
Uh, but the reason why I'mbringing it up is because it it
is part of the reason why I'vedecided to take a new path of

(35:50):
spirituality and kind of studywhat it is that I want to
believe in and what it is thatI'm leaning towards because of
my experiences.
But I have something so crazy totell you because this, I mean,
obviously, my intuition has beensomething I've had forever.
Um, back when I was going beforemy divorce, my first divorce
that led me into lawenforcement.

(36:11):
I had a best friend.
Uh, she was my maid of honor.
She was there when my kids wereborn.
Uh, she was a big, big vitalpiece of my life.
I we had been friends since highschool.
And um we had a falling out uhwhen I was married, and I she
used to live with me, she usedto watch my kids.

(36:32):
Um, I kicked her out of my houseand told my husband at that
time, you know, you're not gonnatalk to her anymore.
That is done.
We are severing this connection.
Well, that didn't happen.
And a year later, I mean,there's little things that
happened, you know, in the firstfew months after kicking her
out, but a year later, we hadalready moved on with our lives.

(36:53):
Um, I never thought about thegirl.
I she never crossed my mind.
And one day my ex-husband wentto work and he had a military
address, uh, email address.
So I can't access that,obviously.
So I mean that's gonna come intoplay here in a minute.
But he had a military emailaddress, and I had this random

(37:17):
thought pop into my head.
Random.
Okay, like I just had a baby, Ijust had my my son, I just had a
baby.
You would think the last thingon my mind would be any of this,
but a random thought popped intomy head when he had gone to
work.
You need to check your ex-bestfriend's email.
And you would wonder, like, whywould that pop into my head?

(37:40):
I because I I question myselfnow, like, how in the hell did
that come into like why did thateven come into my head?
But we were such good friends,and with as psychotic as it
sounds, I mean, it is what itis.
I I did, I went into her email,I knew all her passwords because
we were good friends.
Not that I knew it, like shegave it to me.
I was just able to guess becauseI knew her that well.
And what do you know?

(38:01):
Like, I see my now ex-husband'suh military email all in her
inbox.
She had been all in his inbox,and they were very, very
inappropriate with each other,just to say the least.
So I don't really want to gointo detail about the whole
thing, but what I will say isthat situation um tells me that

(38:21):
I there's something bigger thanus that is wanting to guide us
on the path that we're supposedto be on, and something planted
that idea in my head becausethere was no reason for that to
even be a thought.
Like there, I hadn't thoughtabout the this person in a year.
Um, I wasn't thinking about her,I wasn't dreaming about her,

(38:43):
nothing.
This thought just popped into myhead and I acted on it and it
put my life on a whole differenttrajectory.
Now, if I wouldn't have paidmind to that thought, um, you
know, who knows what my lifewould be like or where I would
be at in my life.
I don't know.
Um, but what I'm trying to sayis that it made me realize, like

(39:04):
over the years and now havingthe time to see that I've had
this intuition for a very longtime.
There is something bigger thanus.
Intuition to me is not ours.
It is something bigger than usthat guides us onto the path
that we're supposed to be on.
And now that I am making thispodcast, I am telling you that I
really just believe that it'salways good to have a belief

(39:27):
system, whether it is religiousor not, spiritual, whatever it
is that you want to believe in,it is always good to have a
belief system because it is whatit will help guide you uh onto
the path that you're supposed tobe on, regardless of what
anybody else says, what anybodyelse thinks, it doesn't matter
because there is something thatyou have um within you that you

(39:47):
either listen to or you don't.
And that's kind of where I'm at.
So during this time that I'vebeen out of law enforcement, I
have been seeking outspirituality, I've been looking
into it, trying to Figure outwhat it is that I believe in,
what resonates with me, and whatI've experienced in my life.
And right now I am at the pointwhere I know that there is

(40:09):
something bigger than me.
There is something that gives usthoughts and ideas that aren't
our own.
And it's supposed to be to helpyou be on the path that you're
supposed to be on.
And, you know, my transitionfrom leaving law enforcement
abruptly into a retirement plan.
Um, I mean, I can't say that mylife is always going to be this

(40:31):
retirement plan because I don'tknow.
I don't read the future.
I can't tell you that I read thefuture.
I don't know anything about thefuture.
I just know that I went with theflow of the ideas that came in.
I, you know, I acted on thosethings.
And when you listen to thoselittle voices in your head or
those intuition gut feelings,they will lead you on a path I

(40:53):
feel that you're supposed to beon.
And just a quick other example.
Um, and I know, like I said, I'mnot trying to sound woo-woo woo
crazy, but I just think it's soimportant, especially in law
enforcement, for you to havesomething to believe in because
um I didn't have that.
And if I would have, I'm notsaying that it would have been
different for me, but I feellike it would have been a little

(41:16):
less unpleasant because I wouldhave known that I could believe
in something or trust somethingto lead me in the right
direction.
Um, but you know, when I waspregnant with my middle son, um,
I I couldn't get pregnant.
I we tried, you know, for threemonths we tried and finally we
gave up.
And I don't know, after we gaveup, I would say a few weeks

(41:38):
after that, I had a dream.
I had a dream so vivid.
I woke up.
I would, it would almost seemlike real life.
I woke up and I uh in my dream,I walked to the bathroom, I took
a pregnancy test, waited 30seconds, looked at it, I was
pregnant.
And when I actually woke up fromthat dream, I was like, holy
shit, that felt so real.

(41:58):
Well, like the dream wasliterally in my room, in my
bathroom, everything.
It was like, it was like I wasliving deja vu.
So I was like, you know what?
I'm gonna get up and do thistest because I'm not gonna be
worried about it just because ofthis dream.
So I did exactly what I dreamtand I was pregnant.
So I mean, I'm not saying thatthis is for everyone.
I really am not trying to soundcrazy.

(42:20):
But when you start to reallythink about things that make
sense, um, I mean, and I've had,I can't even count how many
times I've had things like thishappen to me over the years.
Um, these are just two examplesthat are very extreme to me in
memory that I wanted to sharethem because I wanted to give
you guys an example of why Ithink it's so important to have

(42:42):
some kind of belief system.
Uh, because I haven't had abelief system my whole entire
life.
And it's not so that people canfeel sorry for me, because
that's not what I'm trying tosay.
What I'm saying is that you haveto really just decide what it is
that you want to believe in andlook into it and be open-minded
to different ideas, because I amvery open-minded to a lot of

(43:02):
things.
I have learned about a lot ofreligions, I have experienced so
many cultures.
Um, I have questioned my ownexperiences and what it is that
I want to believe in.
And this is kind of where I'mat.
And I think it's so importantfor first responders to have a
belief system.
So, uh, with that being said,that kind of closes out chapters

(43:24):
for me.
So, you know, uh, following upwith what I was saying, I went
through this over the past sevenmonths.
Um, I have been experiencingthese ups and downs of, you
know, do I miss my old life?
You know, did I mess up?
Uh, what did I do wrong?
What why do I have this behaviorfrom certain people?
You know, is it my fault?

(43:45):
And what am I gonna believe in?
What am I choosing to believein?
Why do I believe in thesethings?
What is my substance?
What is my whatever?
I have been going through allthis these past seven months,
and I just was not in a place tohave a podcast.
I just wasn't in a place torelease my voice and other
people's voices to my podcast togive you guys hopes and all

(44:11):
these things.
For me, I felt like it was beinga fraud and I didn't want to be
a fraud.
I wanted to make sure that whenI release the episodes of
amazing episodes at that, theseepisodes are freaking
phenomenal.
Um, when I release them, I wantto be, I want to be in tune with
what it is that I'm releasing toyou guys.
Because if I release it, eventhough the conversations were

(44:33):
great and I was in tune when wewere talking, me releasing
these, it opens me up tofeedback and to getting
information from people or youknow, their experiences and how
they relate to it and howgenuine am I going to be by
responding to them?
Am I ready for that?
And I wasn't.
And what I want to use mypodcast for is to be genuine and

(44:56):
to make sure that I'm givingthat feedback and and giving a
message that I am aligned withand I feel like I'm ready for
that.
I feel like all these things,even though it may not fully be
related to law enforcementspecifically, these are things
that we experience in life thatyou might be able to relate to.
And I feel like it's importantto share that message.

(45:17):
I I it has been weighing heavyon my heart that I talk about
these things because even thoughit sounds freaking crazy, even
though some people are like, ohmy God, I can't believe she's
saying that, or um, that soundscrazy, or she, you know, she's
psycho, whatever.
That's not the point.
The point is that I just feltlike I needed to share it

(45:38):
because maybe there's people outthere who don't believe in
anything and they're strugglingin life.
And, you know, when it comes tolaw enforcement, if we focus on
that, there's been so manysuicides in law enforcement, it
is unbelievable.
And every single day I feel likeI wake up, I have an alert where
I'm notified uh when there is aline of duty death.
And I still keep up with thatbecause I want to know what's

(46:00):
going on.
I'm not gonna just detach myselffrom the field 100%.
I still care about people whowork in this field, and I am,
I've already made myself a voicefor this field, and I'm not
gonna deviate from that unless Ifeel like it's what's best for
me.
But I just needed to realignmyself to what it is that I
wanted to do in this field andthis space.
And now that I'm here, I feellike it's important for me to

(46:23):
show that message.
So if you need to believe insomething, by all means believe
in it, research it, look intoit.
Who cares what other peoplebelieve in?
If it doesn't align with what itis that you're looking at,
doesn't mean it doesn't meanyou're wrong.
It doesn't mean they're wrong,it doesn't mean anybody's right.
It just means that that is whataligns with you, it is what you

(46:43):
believe in.
And if that is going to get youthrough the day, then by all
means do it.
Um, so now I want to talk aboutum law enforcement drama.
I don't know if that's gonnaresonate with any of y'all, but
I have been seeing um, you know,where the area that I used to

(47:06):
work in, and I'm sure this is alot of areas, but obviously I
keep in touch with some peoplethat I used to work with, and
not very many to to just touchon that.
I don't keep in touch with verymany, but um I noticed that
there is a lot of freaking dramagoing on in that area that I
used to work in.
And I almost want to say thatjust what's being released, you

(47:29):
can't always believe what yousee, right?
But what's being released iskind of embarrassing.
Like it's embarrassing to seethat you know there's officers
and administration and all thesethings that are being accused of
the things that they're beingaccused of.
And for me, I always think,dang, if I was still working
there, like how would thisaffect me?

(47:49):
Or am I glad that I got out ofthere when I did because I don't
want to be associated with that.
I took a lot of pride in my joband what I did.
And I, you know, it when you'rein a leadership position, you I
feel like you're not really aleader if you don't have people
that dislike you.
Um, it was never my goal to havepeople dislike me.
And to be very honest, I neverhad anybody really come up to me

(48:12):
but one person um that dislikedme.
And, you know, we had someheated arguments in
administrative office uh to tryand straighten that shit out.
Um, but for the other peoplethat kind of fell behind a veil,
um, you know, I didn't realizethat there was a dislike there
until later on.
And now that I'm seeing that allthis shit is coming to light in

(48:36):
the area that I used to work in,it's just kind of crazy, you
know?
And it makes me wonder like theagencies that y'all work at, you
know, is there, is there a lotof, let's just call it what it
is, corruption.
Is there corruption?
Is there things that arehappening that you can honestly
say, you know what?
I feel like I'm working in myintegrity.

(48:56):
I feel like I take my job veryserious.
I feel like I take pride in myjob, but you know, the things
that happen that are outside ofmy control that contribute to
the perception of my agency, itaffects me because even though
I'm not a part of that, I workfor this agency and it makes me
look bad, you know.
So I'm interested in hearingsome of your stories about that

(49:18):
and how do you deal with that?
You know, what are you doing todeviate from that negativity
that you might be experiencingbecause of things happening in
your agency, but it's unrelatedto you.
I really feel that there's a lotof people who can resonate with
that.
And um, you know, I I'm nothaving to deal with that.
I feel like I was oblivious tonegativity about me when I was

(49:40):
working.
I literally just trying to toneout um a lot of what was maybe
said about me.
I heard it, you know, I heard,oh yeah, she got promoted
because she was a female, andyou know, I heard it all.
I mean, it is what it is, but Iknow what I'm worth.
I know the effort that I put in.
I know for me, I don't need thatvalidation from the outside.
So I was able to block out a lotof that noise, but not everybody

(50:04):
can do that, and that's okay.
And I'm just curious that whatare you doing to help you get
through those instances ifyou're working through that at
your agency?
I really do feel like there'speople out there that might
benefit from that conversation.
So if you're interested inhaving that conversation, make
sure you sign up with thepodcast.
Uh, you can select a date.

(50:24):
I will be opening dates hereafter the new year uh so that
you guys can enjoy your familytime and there's no pressure to
jump on a podcast.
But starting in January, I willhave an open schedule for new
guests.
And I welcome everybody.
I've already had a guest that Ispoke with a couple weeks ago,
and I'm really looking forwardto releasing his episode and

(50:45):
everybody else's episode that Itook from the beginning of the
year.
Um, there's some greatconversations that we had, and I
can't wait for you guys to hearthem.
Now, the main part of what Iwanted to talk about today,
which I haven't even addressedslightly, uh, so you probably
wouldn't even have known whythis podcast was important to

(51:07):
me, other than the updates thatI've already given you.
I feel like I've just yapped onfor a long time.
I don't normally do this muchtalking, uh, but I mentioned a
lawsuit that I was involved inin my solo episode, episode
five, and I wasn't able reallyto give details.

(51:28):
And I don't really talk about,I'm not a storyteller, right?
So I don't really tell storiesabout what I've seen or what
I've experienced.
And I sometimes just considerhow that could affect the
families who ex you know, lostsomebody.
I I don't want to ever air myexperience in hopes of shielding

(51:50):
the people who actuallyexperience the loss of a loved
one, uh, the hurt or the imagethat they may see in their head
when I'm describing what I wentthrough.
However, um, I have realizedthat my experience and my
reality is solely mine.
And this is where everythingthat I've already addressed

(52:11):
comes into play.
So when I talk about mindset,when I talk about spirituality,
when I talk about umunderstanding people and being
intellectual and taking the timeto ask yourself these questions
and understand why other peoplemight be doing what they're
doing and what's in yourcontrol, what's out of your

(52:32):
control, all these things comeinto play when it comes to this
lawsuit.
And I have thought so much aboutthis because I'm able to share
uh the details about this casenow.
Um, last month, well, yeah,maybe it was in October.
In October, I finally, afterfour and a half years, received

(52:53):
the call and the documentationthat the lawsuit that I was
involved in was dismissed withprejudice.
So um that was a huge relief forme.
And people probably wonder,well, why was it such a huge
relief?
Well, because I had never beeninvolved in a lawsuit in my
entire career.

(53:13):
And the lawsuit that I wasinvolved in um was actually a
very huge case.
It was a big deal where I lived,and it was probably one of the
biggest disasters.
Um, and when I say disaster, Imean in terms of preparedness.
We were not prepared for anevent like this.
And uh I feel like it stuck withme because, as you guys may

(53:37):
recall, I discussed how familiesfrom this scene um they printed
out some papers, posted them ofme all over the city that I
worked in, and were questioningthe type of cop I was,
insinuating that it was myfault.
So I'm actually going to startfrom the beginning because I
kind of want to give you guysinsight of what I experienced.

(53:59):
Um, when I share this story,please understand that this is
my experience.
Okay, this is what I saw, thisis what I did.
And I cannot comment or just gointo any kind of detail on
anybody else's experience ofthis case.
This is just solely based off ofwhat I remember and how I

(54:21):
reacted, what I did, what mythought process was, and up
until the final closure of thislawsuit.
So pretty much uh we got a call.
I was on night shift, we got acall that there was a loud
party.
And we get these calls all thetime.
I mean, this if you're a cop, Imean, this is probably a normal

(54:43):
call for most of us.
Loud party, uh, it was aweekend.
So I had intentions of takingsomebody to jail.
I was ready.
I was ready to start getting thenight going.
I was pumped.
I wanted to, I wanted to getgoing.
So when this call came out, Iwas thinking, okay, well, I
don't know what I'm walkinginto, but maybe I'm gonna take
somebody to jail.

(55:04):
So the call initially had statedthat there was a loud party,
there was a lot of cars, itlooked like there was underage
people, there was drinking, andthat was pretty much what I can
remember at this point.
So I I clear to go to the call,my friend clears to back, I show

(55:25):
up, and sure enough, there'slike hundreds of people there.
And the neighborhood that it'sin, it's not the greatest
neighborhood when it comes to umcrime rates that we have
statistically, in reference towhat we've responded to over
there.
So, statistically speaking, um,the area is not very good.

(55:45):
So I get there, I see that thereis a lot of people.
The area that it's located in isactually kind of dark.
It's at somebody's house in aneighborhood.
Um, it's it actually is dark.
It's not kind of dark.
It is dark.
They didn't have any streetlights in that area, and there
is a lot of people.
So, anyways, I try to find outwho's in charge of the party.
Uh, he comes forward, he's underthe influence.

(56:07):
I can tell he is, he's beendrinking.
Um, he identifies himself.
He's only 20.
He's it's his birthday, it's hisgrandma's house, and he's having
a party.
So I get his information, myback is there.
Um, and I'm making comments,okay, because my I'm looking at
this situation like I'm gonnatake somebody to jail.
That's what I wanted to dobecause I knew that maybe

(56:29):
there's something that I cantake somebody to jail for.
So I'm telling my backingpartner, you know, hey, that
person looks young, or hey, Ihe's drinking, make sure he
doesn't leave in his car orwhatever the case is.
I can't remember the exactdetails.
I just remember that I waslooking for something.
Now that might irritate somepeople because for them, they're
probably like, okay, wow, whywould she be doing that?

(56:52):
Well, that's what I was doing asa cop, right?
I was trying to be proactive ofthe situation and somewhat
reactive because we got calledthere.
But I didn't do anything.
I didn't do any of that becauseI work within the scope of the
law.
So my body camera, I'm gonna bekind of going back and forth so
that you can have anunderstanding of what went on.

(57:14):
So my body camera from thesituation actually got aired on
Facebook.
It's probably, I don't know, onYouTube and stuff.
I don't know.
I didn't look for it, but I didsee it on Facebook when
everything came to light.
And I got a lot of hate and alot of heat for it because my
body camera didn't look verygood because, like I said, I
went with the intention oftaking somebody to jail.

(57:35):
And so when you look at my bodycamera, you can't really see
much because a body camera isonly you can only see to a
certain degree in the lens, andyou can see me interviewing the
person of this party.
And I'm making these comments,like, oh, they look young.
Uh, hey, I think that person'sabout to take off and they're
drinking.
And you don't see me moving.
Well, I can't move because I'minterviewing the person that is

(57:58):
responsible for the party.
I'm the actual primary officerof this call.
So, you know, when you hear mybody camera, you're like, well,
why isn't she fucking doinganything?
You know, like she should bedoing something.
And maybe if she would have donesomething, this would have been
prevented.
But that's just not the way itworks.
So in New Mexico, or I don'tknow, I'm not going to talk

(58:19):
about anywhere else because Idon't work, I didn't work
anywhere else.
I worked in New Mexico.
In New Mexico, yes, uh, youmight see um the person I was
interviewing, he was 20.
So obviously he's not of age todrink, but he didn't have
alcohol in his hand.
Um, he wasn't under theinfluence to the point where he
couldn't answer my questions orhe was stumbling.
He was able to answer everythingthat I had to ask him.

(58:41):
And even though I told him, Iknow you're under the influence,
um, and I recognize that, itdidn't mean that I had the
authority to break up his partyor to arrest him.
Uh, and the reason being isbecause in New Mexico, that just
because they have consumedalcohol doesn't mean that I can
arrest them.
That's just not the way the lawworks.
So I have to work within thescope of the law, but not

(59:02):
everybody, I understand, isgoing to be aware of how the law
works.
I understand that now.
Back then, I didn't understandthat because I was thinking they
don't even know the job, theydon't know, you know, what
they're talking about.
But now that I've put a lot intoperspective, I just have to
understand that not everybodyunderstands the law.
So I wasn't able to do anything.
I made a comment on my bodycamera that person looks young.

(59:24):
Well, in the original call todispatch, uh, the RP, which is
the reporting party, didmention, you know, that it
looked like there were minorsthere.
I can say somebody looks young,it doesn't give me the right to
go ID them.
And that is, you know,constitutional law.
Like you can't just go overthere and be like, oh, well, you
look young and you're at a partywhere there's alcohol.

(59:46):
I need to see your ID.
That's just not how it works.
So I wasn't able to do that.
And it kind of hindered what Iwas able to do.
But we do have a policy on howwe respond to loud party calls
and we do work within the scopeof the law.
So if we didn't See anythingthat we actually had substance
to investigate, then wecouldn't.
Um, now we could have veryeasily walked towards the back

(01:00:08):
of the house, but there was nolights.
And my back actually made thecall like, hey, I don't think
that we should go back there.
There was only two of us.
It was a very busy night thatnight.
Um, there wasn't officersavailable to back us if we
needed to break up the party forany reason, but we didn't even
have a reason to go back there.
And let's say we went back thereand you know, we upset people

(01:00:29):
and there became a fight orsomething, it would be putting
us and other people in danger.
And you have to think aboutthese things because let's just
say that there were minors thereor there were drunks there and
they see the police and theydon't want to deal with the
police, so they start runningand they get in their cars and
they start driving off.
This can cause a lot ofaccidents, this can result in
death.
I mean, there's so many thingsto consider.

(01:00:51):
And, you know, you got to thinkabout these things.
You have to think weigh theoptions.
So we did what we were supposedto do.
We gave them a warning.
I gave, I gave the person Ispoke to a warning, and I told
him if we come back a secondtime, our policy states that we
will have to give you a citationthe third time you go to jail.
So, okay, we got theinformation, we made the

(01:01:12):
warning, we left.
Um, about 45 minutes later, Ihad pulled over a car.
I can't remember the reason whyI was on a traffic stop, and I
just hear gunshots ring out fromthe direction of that party.
I want to say that I wish Ididn't have the gut feeling that
I knew it was that party becauseit was a weekend.
It could have come from anotherparty.

(01:01:34):
But there was just so manypeople there that I was just
like, oh my God.
So I tell the person that I'mtalking to, you drive safe.
Here's your stuff.
I gotta go.
I just started driving in thatdirection.
I knew dispatch was gonna startreleasing the call momentarily.
I just drove in the direction.
I wasn't driving to the party.
I just drove in the directionwhere I heard the gunshots.
And sure enough, calls startcoming in.

(01:01:55):
You know, uh, we have shotsfired, you know, at this
location, which the location wasfrom the loud party.
Now we have calls coming in fromreckless drivers, people who are
shot, people who are driving tothe hospital and they're on this
road, and all these calls arecoming in.
So I, you know, I start headingthat way.
Lights and siren to the area ofthe party.

(01:02:17):
And from my experience, this iswhat I experience, you know.
Um, and you have to rememberthat when you are dealing with a
situation like this, time istime just feels irrelevant.
It almost feels like it's justnot applying to what you're
experiencing.
It almost feels like time istaking longer, it's not

(01:02:38):
happening as fast as you thinkit is.
Time slows down.
And so I get to the party andI'm the first one on scene.
I'm I stop my car in the middleof the street, close my door,
everybody's running everywhere.
I mean, hundreds of people arerunning and screaming.
There's some people with bloodall over them.

(01:02:58):
I have people coming up to me,my friends are shot, my friends
are shot.
I'm the only one that I see.
So I'm getting on the radio thatI need medics.
I don't know what I'm dealingwith.
I just hear all these differentthings.
I need medics.
Um, people are saying people areshot.
Uh, you know, I don't have anyinformation at this time.
Then I had somebody come up tome and tell me, my friend is

(01:03:20):
shot.
Please help her.
So they lay her down next to myunit, and I'm looking on her
body, and I see that she has agunshot wound uh to her abdomen.
I can't remember, I think it washer back or her abdomen.
Um, she wasn't bleeding, but shewas shot.
And so I'm sitting there withher.
I'm still the only one on scene.
And now it feels like, oh myGod, I've been on scene by

(01:03:41):
myself for like 10 minutes.
Where is everybody at?
Well, it hadn't been 10 minutes,but my perception of time had
slowed so significantly that itjust seemed like things were
taking forever.
So I'm getting on the radio andI'm telling them, like, I have a
gunshot victim here.
Um, give me a, you know, what wewould call 55 is an ambulance.
Give me a 55 to my location.

(01:04:03):
Dispatch is telling me we we aretrying to get you, you know, an
ambulance to your location.
Uh, the radio is going off thatwe have officers that are
several roads down with cars,vehicles that they had to stop
for reckless driving withgunshot victims from this party.
Um, so you know, the scene hasnow spread out from the party,
and it's just a very wide scenenow.

(01:04:25):
And so we didn't have enoughmedics uh to respond to all of
these scenes that we now hadfrom this one party.
And, you know, I had uh I'm heretrying to assess the girl who
had been shot, and I'm askingfor backing officers.
Um, you know, I'm like, hey, Ineed more officers.
Um there, I don't know if theshooter is still on scene.

(01:04:46):
There is no active shooter atthis time.
Um, I don't hear any gunshots,uh, but I do have people telling
me that there are um gunshotvictims in the back of the
house.
I need more, I need moreofficers so that we can check
the back of the house because Iwas only there by myself.
Well, as the the scenecontinues, and from what I can
remember, I just remember thatmore officers ended up coming on

(01:05:07):
scene.
For me, it felt like forever.
It felt like forever for them toget there.
But once an officer came onscene, I told them, please stay
here with this victim.
I need to go check the back.
So they stayed with that victim.
I saw some other officers,deputies that helped respond
from the county, and we clearedthe backyard.
And I wasn't sure if there was ashooter back there or not

(01:05:28):
because uh we don't know whathappened.
I mean, I just have peoplerunning up to me, you know,
telling me what I'm hearing, butI can't go back there by myself
because if I get shot or hurt,I'm gonna be of no use to the
people who are injured.
So as soon as the back came, wecleared the backyard.
This is where we we saw anadditional three victims, and
those victims actually passedaway.

(01:05:49):
Um, there was, I want to saythat there was four to seven
injuries uh aside from the thethree um individuals that passed
away.
And uh it was it was crazy.
It was a crazy scene.
It was something that you wouldsee out of a movie.
I mean, I don't even know howelse to explain it.
So another thing that happenedon that scene is I got into an

(01:06:12):
argument with my supervisor atthat time because my I was upset
that my supervisor wasn't onscene as fast as he should have
been.
I was arguing with him because Ifelt like he took forever.
And when I had arrived on scene,I saw him.
Uh, he had stopped a streetover.
And I don't know if he wascontacting somebody from the

(01:06:32):
party.
I don't know what he was doingbecause I was going to the scene
and I felt frustrated that hedidn't come fast enough.
You know, you you were overthere, you didn't, you know, you
saw that I came up here and Iwas asking for help.
And I felt like I was just, youknow, I was overwhelmed.
I I had a lot going on.
This was a very stressfulsituation that I had never
experienced.
Um, I had just responded to thishouse, you know, 45 minutes to

(01:06:57):
an hour prior.
So there was that stress thatwas on me.
And I started to feel like, whatif this was my fault?
Um, because I had already camehere and I'm going through all
these emotions and I'm arguingwith my supervisor.
Well, detectives hadn't actuallyarrived on scene at this time
because we're still trying tocontain the scene.
So I start moving witnesses andpeople from the party to a

(01:07:20):
location in a parking lot towhere we could keep an eye on
them until investigators came.
And my supervisor was movingthem across the street.
Well, I started to notice whenhe moved them across the street,
they were leaving.
So I told them to come back tothe parking lot.
And this is where the argumentgot heated because, you know,
he's telling me, Why are youmaking these changes?
I'm the supervisor, you know,I'm telling them to go over

(01:07:40):
there and I'm arguing with him,telling him that they're leaving
and, you know, investigatorsaren't unseen, that they don't
have their information.
And so we're getting into thesearguments that are actually very
irrelevant.
But it just goes to show what ascene like this can do when you
are under stress and you'venever experienced something like
this before.

(01:08:01):
You, this isn't a kind of callthat you train for, you know,
you don't train, you don't trainfor the actual incident like
this, like how to deal with thatstress.
You're dealing with how to clearthe the scene, how to secure the
scene, how to, you know, umtreat the people, how to get
medics on scene, just you know,evidence preservation.

(01:08:21):
You're you're training for allthese things, but the actual
dealing with the stress, you youdon't train for that.
So my supervisor and I had alittle argument.
I want to say it lasted a goodfive minutes.
I could be wrong on the timetoo, because you know, like I
said, time was just out the doorat that time.
Um, and that's all on bodycamera.

(01:08:43):
So, of course, that got releasedand it makes it look really bad
on me.
And I understand now, you know,when I look back at the whole
situation, when you are notseeing what I'm seeing with my
eyes, you're seeing what you'reseeing from my body camera.
Um, when you are also not awareof the situation in totality,

(01:09:05):
um, when you don't have theother details that you need, and
when you're not familiar withthe law the way an officer
should be, it can be verydifficult to understand how this
happened, right?
So now that time has passed, Ihave sat with this case for a
long time.
I actually held so much guiltfor several years, maybe not

(01:09:26):
several, maybe a couple years.
I had a lot of guilt over thiscase because there was a part of
me that felt like maybe it wasmy fault.
I ran through my body cameraseveral times.
There was an internalinvestigation that happened.
Um, you know, I was questionedabout what was my intention when
I responded to the initial call.
Um, why was I arguing with mysupervisor?

(01:09:49):
I mean, there was a lot ofthings, but ultimately I did
what I was supposed to do.
I followed the law, I did what Iwas supposed to do, despite how
horrible the body camera soundedfrom an outsider.
Even for me, if I didn't knowwhat was going on and I heard
another officer saying thethings that they were on body
camera, I'd be like, well, whythe fuck are they not doing

(01:10:09):
anything?
But, you know, this is where myperspective and my experience
comes in and what it was thatwas my reality to the situation,
including my backing officer,because you know, he was there
for a part of the situation thatum no one else was.
So now that you know we hadsecured the scene, I mean, that
scene took a long time.

(01:10:30):
Um after everything was done,reports were completed, internal
investigation was over.
I no longer followed up withthat case.
That case was given toinvestigators.
Um, I just had to deal with theaftermath.
I feel like this was probablyone of the only calls that
really stuck with me.
I didn't have like nightmares oranything.
It wasn't something that I was,you know, dreading every day at

(01:10:54):
work or like that, you know,just it wasn't that type of call
for me.
What it was was the guilt that Ifelt because I would I ran
myself through the case over andover and over.
You know, did I mess up?
Did I did I do something wrong?
Is there something that I shouldhave caught on to?
Is there something I should havesaid?
I reread policy, I reread thelaw.

(01:11:14):
I mean, I literally dissectedeverything because I just I
three people lost their lives.
They were college students, youknow.
Um, young, young people losttheir lives.
And I just literally juststruggled so much with this.
Well, of course, um the parentsof these uh individuals that

(01:11:35):
lost their lives ended up filinga lawsuit.
And of course, you know, thatwould be expected because this
is a huge deal.
I mean, it's a mass shooting,that's that's what it's
considered is a mass shooting.
And uh they filed the lawsuit.
I was the main person, I was themain defendant on this lawsuit.
And um, I was stressed because Ihad never been involved in a

(01:11:57):
lawsuit.
And the accusations that theymade, um it took me a while to
understand why they were usingthe references that they were
using.
And it turns out it's because itwasn't supported by law.
When it comes down to the actualfacts of the case, I did what I
was supposed to do.
Um, there was nothing I couldhave done to prevent it.

(01:12:17):
There's so many other wayspeople can say, Well, you could
have done this, you could havedone that.
And you can do that in any case.
I literally mean any case, andpolice officers know this like
the back of their hand.
How many times is it that we areMonday night quarterbacking a
response of police officers to acertain case and been like, Oh,

(01:12:38):
I can't believe they did that.
They should have done this, theyshould have done that.
Well, there's a million ways todo things, and there are still
several right ways.
Are there better ways?
Yeah, of course.
There can be better ways.
And those are the discussionsthat you have to have.
Well, there was not anythingelse that we could have
literally done.
We did what we were supposed todo.
And if there was a better way, Idon't think we ever came to the

(01:13:01):
conclusion that there wasactually a better way when we
responded to that initial callof allowing because everything
that we were supposed to do, wedid.
So the lawsuit was filed.
Um, not long after that, is whenI started to experience uh, I
want to say I called itharassment, but um it really
affected my personal home lifeand it made me feel like my

(01:13:25):
family was in danger.
Uh the families were upset, youknow, of course, rightfully so.
They they lost a loved one.
Um, I don't know who made theflyers, but there was flyers
made with my picture from myagency's website.
Uh, and they posted them all ofme around town.
And the flyer said somethingabout, you know, she's
responsible for a mass shooting.

(01:13:46):
Would you want her in charge ofsomething, you know, of an uh of
your community?
Do you want her working in yourcommunity?
Something along those lines.
I actually have a picture of oneof the flyers on my phone.
I just I haven't looked at it.
For no reason, I don't need tolook at it anyways, but um,
yeah, there was those, you know,flyers made and it started to

(01:14:06):
put some worry into my mindbecause we had take-home units.
Uh, you know, when a family isupset about something that they
feel a police officer or anagency did wrong, uh, you don't
know what people could becapable of, you know.
And I'm not saying that I wouldever accuse these families of
doing anything bad.
I'm not saying that.
What I'm saying is that workingin law enforcement, you just

(01:14:28):
don't know what people arecapable of until it happens.
And I was afraid for my son, Iwas afraid for my husband, I was
afraid for my other son.
I was, you know, I was afraidbecause I felt like if they lost
a child and a loved one, whatmakes me think that they
wouldn't want to take that awayfrom me because they think it's
my fault that this happened.

(01:14:50):
And, you know, those thoughtscrossed my mind.
So um eventually I asked for myagency to do some patrolling
around my house for severalweeks.
Um, and it was more for peace ofmind.
They knew what was going on.
Uh, the lawsuit, of course, Ihad to file uh the flyers that
were being pushed around uhFacebook.

(01:15:12):
I had to deactivate it for avery long time because they were
tagging me and I was getting alot of messages.
And I, you know, I had atake-home unit.
Like I said, I had a take-homeunit, everybody knew where the
cops lived.
Um, people could watch you go inand out, in and out, go to work,
come home, you know, whatever.
You know, and then when theylearn your pattern, which I

(01:15:34):
early on in my career, I learnednot to have a pattern going home
or you know, leaving to work orwhatever.
I've already learned that.
But, you know, people want towatch that and they want to see
like, what are you gonna do?
Where are you gonna go?
What are the times and all ofthis stuff?
So, you know, I was afraid formy for my family.
So this stress was just addedon.

(01:15:55):
This happened around 2021.
Um, the shooting was in 2019,the case and all this extra
stuff happened in 2021.
And now the the case is closed.
It just closed in October.
And I kept up, I followed upwith this case because it was,
like I said, it was the onlylawsuit that I was involved in.
Um, and I was concerned for thefamily members.

(01:16:18):
Uh, you know, an arrest wasmade.
It was an arrest was made notlong after the shooting.
Uh, investigators arrestedsomebody, they arrested the guy
that I interviewed at the party,so it was his party, right?
Um, they arrested him.
So, of course, in the lawsuit,this just gave the family
substance.
Like, hey, she interviewed thisguy, she knew he was under the

(01:16:39):
influence, he was only 20, shedidn't do anything about it.
And, you know, if she would havedone something about it, then
this would have never happened.
But during the hearing, I mean,this this young man served three
years in jail waiting for acourt date.
And a lot of it was postponeddue to COVID and other factors.

(01:17:00):
Um, but once he had his hearing,he was found not guilty on all
of the charges.
So he was released, and youknow, he he didn't get charged
with anything from that case.
And like I said, I didn't followup with the investigation or
what they found or anything likethat when it came to this case.
I was just the first responder.
You know, what happened then andthere is pretty much all it was

(01:17:22):
the internal investigation.
Um, I participated in that whereI needed to, and and that was
that.
And then, of course, when thelawsuit came about, um, that
kind of came with its owninvestigation to make sure that,
you know, they had all theinformation that they needed for
the claims that were being made.
So that was just my wholeinvolvement.
So whenever I decided to leavelaw enforcement, it had already

(01:17:45):
been a year since, you know, thestuff had been plastered all
over the city.
Uh, time had already passed, butthere were other things that had
happened in my life during thattime on my personal life, which
I talked about in my otherpodcast, in my other episode.
So all these things arehappening in my life.
And so once we decided, like,hey, let's take this early

(01:18:06):
retirement.
Um, I think it's what's best foryour mental health, I think it's
what's best for our family.
I was not gonna say no.
And that's why we left.
Um, you know, there was just abunch of factors that played
behind the reason why thedecision was made when it was
made.
And it was more so for thehealth of me.
It was for the health of myfamily, for the safety of my

(01:18:27):
family.
And that's just a portion,obviously.
But this is the the huge thingbehind the lawsuit, right?
So even after I left, um, itstill was on my mind over the
past few years.
I didn't forget about it.
I didn't forget about thevictims, I didn't forget about
the families.
And even till this day, I don'tforget about them because I
understand, like I understandthat this was one of the biggest

(01:18:51):
things that had ever happened inmy community and they lost their
child, they lost their lovedone.
I I will never forget.
Um, but once the case wasdismissed with prejudice, uh, I
felt so much relief because apart of me still worried, like,
you know, you want to get outthere and you want to tell them,
listen, like, this is what Idid, this is why I did it, this

(01:19:13):
is what I had to do.
But there's not thatcommunication.
And usually in a lawsuit, therewill never be that communication
unless it makes it to court.
So at the end of it, um, I wantto say that the most unfortunate
reality of this whole incidentis the fact that the families
still do not have justice.
You know, they are stillprobably suffering the loss of

(01:19:37):
their child, their loved one,um, their college student, the,
you know, person that they werewaiting to see what they became
in life.
And there's no answers.
There's no justice for them.
Um, there's not somebody behindbars who's responsible for the
death of their loved one.
And I feel like that is the mostunfortunate factor of this

(01:19:58):
incident.
But With that being said, I havedone a lot of reflecting on this
lawsuit and this case and how itaffected me personally, how it
affected my life, my thoughts,um, everything.
It affected a lot of parts ofme.
And now I can tell you that I'mat peace because I know that I

(01:20:19):
did what I was supposed to do.
I know that it isn't my fault.
I know that I, even if I didsomething wrong, um, I would be
held accountable for thatwrongdoing that I did, but it
doesn't mean that I pulled thetrigger.
And that is who we should belooking for.
The person that is responsiblefor the deaths of these people

(01:20:41):
is ultimately the justice thatthese people need and they
deserve.
And I now just, you know, it'sbeen a relief.
Like I talk about this becauseif you've never been involved in
a lawsuit, um, you know,lawsuits are very in severity.
Okay.
Uh, we know now that anybody canfile a lawsuit for anything,
literally anything.

(01:21:01):
Like you, you say something thatthey don't like and they're
gonna take it personally, andthey are gonna try to justify
why it meets the needs of whatit is that they're trying to
justify.
We know you can sue foranything.
Um, but this was, I mean, thisis a big deal.
This was a big deal.
And um, it took a lot of effortfor me to work through that.
Uh, had a long I had a lot oflong nights uh talking about

(01:21:26):
this case with my husband,working through the details.
I mean, I my partner, my mybacking officer, um, you know, I
probably talked about it till hewas even blue in the face of
talking to me about it.
Um, but I had a lot of work todo in reference to that.
And now that I'm able to talkabout it, I can give you guys,
you know, the substance of that.

(01:21:47):
And I feel like I'm over thecriticism.
Um, I forgive myself for the wayI sound on my body camera uh
because I know what myintentions were behind the words
that I said.
I knew uh what I was intendingto do.
Like I obviously my intentionswere not expecting this to

(01:22:08):
happen.
I mean, how could you predictthat?
You know, how can you predictthat this is gonna happen?
I didn't see any weapons, Ididn't see any signs of this
being something that couldhappen.
Is it a possibility?
Yes, of course it's apossibility, but you can't go
based on assumption, right?
That's just not how it works.
And I, even if you could, Ididn't assume at all that this
was gonna happen.
And, you know, I honestly I wantthe families to have justice.

(01:22:32):
If there's anything that I couldwish for them, it is that.
Um, I apologize for anythingthat they've ever gone through
when it comes to this lawsuitbecause I know that it hasn't
been an easy path for them.
Uh, but it does feel like I'mable to talk about it and and
get it off my chest.
You know, these are the I'm nota storyteller, so I'm I'm not

(01:22:53):
sure if you can tell that I'mnot a storyteller, but I'm not a
storyteller.
And this is just one of thosethings that, you know, when you
have guests, when I have myguests on my podcast and they're
talking about the things thatthey've been through and what
they did to get through them,this is one of my one of my
stories, one of my many stories,you know, and this is the one
that I'm sharing becauselawsuits are real.

(01:23:15):
Incidents like this are real,they are happening more and
more.
They happen all over the UnitedStates.
And people who lose their lovedones, you know, they feel like
they're stuck and they mightfeel that way.
I please don't take it that I'mspeaking for anyone because I am
just trying to put myself intheir shoes and understand what

(01:23:37):
they may be going through.
Um, of course, I will neverfully understand, but I want to
be able to understand what thethought process would be behind
what they would be doing.
And it's very understandablethat this is what they would do.
You know, they want to have somesomething.
They they need something tobring some kind of peace.
And even that is probably nevergoing to bring the peace that

(01:23:59):
they're wanting.
And it is just the unfortunatereality that we face in law
enforcement.
You know, these are things thatwe will struggle with maybe the
rest of our life.
I I don't know that this is astruggle, excuse me, a struggle
that I have anymore.
Um, but it is something that Ifeel like a relief that I can
talk about.
I feel good that I can talkabout these things that I have

(01:24:21):
been holding in about this case.
And I really just wanted toshare that with you guys because
I have never really talked aboutit.
I've given a very surface leveldescription of the incidents
that had occurred.
And um, I didn't really give toomuch detail about what I did or
what my thought process was outof respect for the the lawsuit

(01:24:42):
that was still open and notwanting to, you know, put the
family through anything.
And of course, details are notnecessary for this story, and I
don't want to put familiesthrough that.
So uh there's a lot of detailsmissing out of what it is that
I've shared with you, but it'senough to give you guys some
substance as to how this canaffect your life if you are in

(01:25:03):
law enforcement or even a firstresponder.
I mean, this can happen toanybody.
So uh with that being said, thishas been actually a pretty long
podcast, one that I have never,I don't think I've ever posted
one this long.
Uh, but I wanted to say thankyou to those listeners that have
stuck with me in my absence, whocontinue to message me uh

(01:25:27):
through my absence, and thosewho follow me on social media.
Um, you guys have been awesome.
I know I've responded to plentyof you, uh, not all of you.
I do get a lot of messages onthere, and sometimes I just
don't have the time or theenergy to give back to everyone.
So please don't take offense.
Uh, but I do want to say thankyou to each and every one of you

(01:25:51):
that continues to support thecause.
Um, I do want to give you guys alittle bit of an update on what
it is that I'm doing with Shieldof Duty.
So if you guys remember, thatwas a business that I chose to
pursue for first respondermental health and wellness.
And since I have taken thisseven-month break from this

(01:26:14):
space, I have actually decidednot to pursue that.
And my personal reason isbecause um it has become very,
very saturated.
And I hate to say that, but Ijust can't find it in me to be a
part of something that is veryhard to identify what is
authentic and what is not.

(01:26:34):
To have to put so much energyinto something that you're
trying to help others with.
It takes a lot for me as anindividual to put into a
business that I'm trying to helpfirst responders in this area
and first responders beinghesitant or not wanting to show
interest because it's just sosaturated and they're wondering

(01:26:55):
what is real, what is not, whatis authentic, what is not.
So uh my husband and I haveactually decided to come
together.
You know, I don't know that I'veever told you guys about my
husband, but he is a careerbodybuilder.
He's retired from bodybuildingnow.
Um, he's been in the fitnessindustry for 20 years, and he is

(01:27:16):
a coach.
He's been a coach for 15 plusyears.
Uh, he trains online.
He hasn't trained in person inthe past four years, but he
trains online.
And we came together to reallydiscuss when it comes to
wellness overall for firstresponders, how can we come
together and put our minds andour specialties and our
knowledge together to createsomething that is so important

(01:27:38):
for first responders that'sauthentic, that isn't just a
money grab, and that comes withreceipts that we are here
showing that we know what we'retalking about and we can
contribute to this space withoutoversaturating what it is that
we're trying to convey.
And we created a fitness appcalled Fit for Shift.

(01:27:59):
It is only for first responders.
Um, if you sign up, you can onlysign up if you have a work ID
and you have to submit thatbefore you can be approved
access to the app.
Um, our main goal is to get itthrough to agencies.
We have made it very, very cheapfor agencies because our goal
isn't about becoming rich, it'sabout contributing to the things

(01:28:21):
that we love that mean somethingto us that have been in our
lives that made a change in ourlife.
For me, that would be lawenforcement.
Um, for him, that's fitness andputting back into what it is
that gave to us.
So uh and when I say gave to us,I just want to clarify that real
quick.
Um, law enforcement has broughtme to the person I am today, and

(01:28:44):
I want to give back to thepeople who are still
contributing to that field,first responder, first responder
world.
Uh, so, anyways, we made afit-for-shift app.
Um, like I said, the goal is toget through to agencies.
We want to make this a part ofyour wellness program at your
agency.
Uh, it has workouts that arespecific to first responders.

(01:29:05):
Uh, we take your entrance examsfor law enforcement, firefighter
academies, or anything likethat.
You submit that to us, we willturn it into a program to where
people who need to pass yearlyexams or um fitness standards,
they can utilize the app tobuild them back up to where they

(01:29:26):
need to be.
It's really a great tool.
Um, I wish more people would geton it.
We have a 30-day free trial forofficers who want to check it
out.
Um, we're currently makingvideos to try to explain how to
use the app.
We just added a fitness and mealgenerator, not a fitness

(01:29:48):
generator, a meal generator.
Um, so that way officers andfirst responders who can't
really eat, you know, you're sobusy.
I know that there were so manyshifts that I didn't eat.
But what it does is if you needto go to a fast food restaurant,
which I can't count how manytimes I had to do that too, um,
it'll give you some healthieroptions and alternatives.

(01:30:09):
And it'll also create a mealplan for you if you choose to do
that.
If you pick one day and you needtwo to three days of meals uh or
ideas, it'll create that foryou.
There's a whole bunch of stuffthat you can use it for.
It gives you a grocery list, itgives you everything.
The the recipes that you need tomake whatever it is is on that
plan.

(01:30:29):
It's an awesome tool.
And it is something that wecreated just about a month ago
and added it to the app.
Uh, we're not done adding to theapp.
Uh we we do everything withcoding on our end.
So it's not like we're going outand getting these ideas from
other people.
We actually have to create thethings that we are adding to the
app.
So it does take work, it takestime, and we're constantly

(01:30:52):
trying to add value to what itis that we're giving to you guys
because it matters.
Your health matters.
And when it comes to mentalhealth and wellness, when you
think about the root, health isa huge part of that route.
If you are not moving your body,if you're not eating healthy, if
you are not resting or workingout, you are doing yourself a

(01:31:13):
disservice.
And I mean that with everythingbecause it's not about fitness
and looking good and buildingmuscle and competing.
That is not what it is about andunderstanding why fitness should
be a part of a wellness program.
It is the root of what needs tobe addressed to address other
things.

(01:31:34):
It can prevent so many things uhlong term, you know.
When you think about statistics,which I don't want to get too
much into that, but when youthink about statistics and what
people are facing when theyretire or why they're being
medically released from the job,this is part of that route.
It's not the main problem.
It's not going to solveeverything.

(01:31:55):
It is something that is soimportant to the bigger picture,
though.
And so we just really want thisapp to be a part of an agency,
their wellness program.
Um, we want them to give it atry.
We want them to see it forthemselves.
We want them to find the valuein it.
Really, the purpose is as anagency should be providing this
to their first responders.

(01:32:15):
Um, it doesn't mean that theyare all going to use it, but if
an agency is providing that tothem and it has value, uh
ultimately they're giving youthe tools that you need to be
successful.
And if you guys are willing totry it out, you can go to
www.fitforshift.com.

(01:32:36):
Um, you can also message me onmy Instagram or you can find me
on Instagram under FitForShift.
We have an Instagram page.
Uh, there are several ways tocontact me in reference to the
app.
I have a link where you can fillout the information so that you
can try the 30-day trial.
And of course, if you guys areinterested in getting the app
for your agency, we'll set up aZoom call and we will see what

(01:32:59):
we need to discuss to get youguys on board.
So I wanted to let you guys knowthat.
So the only things that I havegoing on now is chapter blue and
fit for shift, shield of duty,law enforcement coaching, all of
that I have decided to notpursue.
And let me tell you, lawenforcement coaching has been
amazing.
I I still love it.

(01:33:19):
Um, if I have a client thatwants to reach out and do that,
I will never say no.
It's just not something that I'mpushing out there anymore
because it is a lot.
It does take a lot for me.
And I feel that my podcast andfit for shift are really the
things that matter most to mewhen it comes to where my energy

(01:33:40):
is going to go.
And this is some hardadjustments that I had to make
for me and for what I want toput out there.
And those are the things that Idecided to do.
So I appreciate you guys tuningin.
If you have lasted this long,you are freaking awesome.
Thank you for all of yoursupport.

(01:34:02):
And if you want to be a guest,please sign up on the link.
If you go to chapter blue, youshould be able to find the Zoom
link where you can sign up on mycalendar.
I will be opening slots up forafter January.
Um, if you have any questions, Iam an open book.
You can message me on socialmedia.
Uh, you can find me on LinkedIn,Instagram, uh, Facebook.

(01:34:27):
Uh, there are plenty of ways toactually reach out to me, even
on the podcast website.
So thank you guys again.
And I look forward to speakingto some of you guys in the near
future.
I hope you have a greatChristmas, happy holidays, and I
will see you guys on the nextone.

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