April 28, 2024 • 35 mins
In the latest installment of the Chasing Thoughts podcast, Season 2, Episode 17 takes an unexpected turn as Keith is under the weather, leaving @MindyAmitaAisling to helm the ship solo. With no guest in sight, listeners are treated to a delightful dive into the mind of Mindy herself.
Drawing inspiration from her longtime fascination with "Dear Abby," Mindy reveals her penchant for peering into the inner workings of others' minds. However, instead of dispensing advice, she seizes the opportunity to dissect and explore the myriad ways people approach common predicaments.
In this peculiar episode, appropriately dubbed "Dear Mindy," she takes on the role of the sage counselor, fielding questions from the vast internet expanse. Emphatically clarifying that her responses are not intended as prescriptive solutions but invitations to ponder alternate perspectives, Mindy delves into a captivating exploration of the human psyche.
Tune in as Mindy fearlessly tackles six intriguing questions from anonymous strangers, offering insights, reflections, and perhaps a dash of her signature wit along the way.
- 00:00:00 Start
- 00:02:40 Q1: What would you do if you finally realized someone you consider a friend only comes to you when they want to talk about their problems?
- 00:08:15 Q2: What are your views about your SO talking to someone of the opposite sex about your relationship problems?
- 00:13:10 Q3: As a woman, what are some ways to get a man to want/chase you other than losing feelings for him?
- 00:16:53 Q4: For those who struggled with lots of anxiety and low self-esteem and image, how did you overcome it and love yourself?
- 00:22:28 Q5: How do you handle obsessive thoughts?
- 00:27:28 Q6: Does anyone else have big issues with forgiveness, and mind sharing some details?
- 00:33:00 The Little Soul in the Sun (https://www.sapphyr.net/largegems/littlesoul-thesun.htm)
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome to the Chasing Thoughts podcast.
(00:03):
Listen in as Mindy, Keith and their guests
take a deep dive into their own minds and souls
to investigate the beauty of imperfection,
challenge their beliefs,
and embrace the richness of living a truly authentic life.
Hi, this is Mindy.
Welcome to Season 2, Episode 17 of the Chasing Thoughts podcast.
(00:27):
Now today's kind of weird, guys.
So Keith is sick.
He's not here.
And we had a guest scheduled, but they weren't able to show.
So it's Mindy time.
So what I thought I'd do today that would be kind of fun is
answer some questions that I found online.
(00:49):
Here's the thing.
When I was a kid, I absolutely loved Dear Abby.
Not necessarily because I agreed with everything that she said,
but because it was interesting to me to see how people thought about things.
And I think that when we share our opinions and our stories,
and particularly when we share what's on our filter,
(01:10):
it helps other people identify how they might be able to think differently,
how their mindset could be different,
something that might need updating or changing on their filter to get the results that they want in their life.
So it's really important to share these kinds of things.
So I want to be very, very, very, very, very, very, very clear that this is not advice.
(01:35):
And you should not take my advice and you should not take anybody's advice.
Because you and only you know what's right for you.
And so you can hear what people say and you bring it in and then it becomes sort of a round table in your mind.
And you will also have your own round table, right?
You have your inner warrior and your inner child and your inner protector.
(01:59):
And so you take all these external opinions and internal opinions and then you check in with self.
And that is how you make decisions and gain clarity in your life.
So let's look at a few fun questions and I'll kind of tell you what comes up for me and how I think about them.
And while you're listening to me, you can think about how you think about it and we can really investigate and discover all the different ways that there is to operate in this world with our mindset.
(02:31):
Because our mindset is so powerful and so important.
So let's take a peek here at what my questions are that I have.
So the first question I have is, what would you do if you finally realize someone you consider a friend only comes to you when they want to talk about their problems.
This is someone you consider a close friend.
(02:53):
They never ask you how you are.
They never just wait, they never ask you how you are.
They just want to dump their problems on you and always talk about themselves.
They just ignore you 99% of the time and 1% of the time they don't.
They only come to you when they need something.
Okay, interesting situation, right?
(03:14):
So, first of all, I think it's interesting that the person who wrote this question called it a close friendship.
So the first thing I would do if I was in this situation is take some time to sit about, sit and think about what my definition of friendship is.
What has been written on my filter by my parents, my school, my education, my religion, my past friendships.
(03:41):
What do I believe friendship is because I need that definition before I can move forward.
I also need to realize that my definition is not the same as other peoples.
For example, something real simple.
In my friendships, we can go weeks without texting each other, someone can text me and I can text back three weeks later, it's not a problem.
(04:03):
But I know for some people, immediate response is something that they classify as being a good friend.
So if I was to get into a relationship with that person and not respond to them quickly, they could say, ah, Mindy, such a bad friend.
But in my definition of friendship, I'm being a good friend.
It's just a simple difference in the way that we can see things.
(04:27):
And these differences can just continue on and on and on and on and on.
And then there's no right or wrong or good or bad.
It's just different.
And so I think that would be the first thing to do here is identify what your definition of friendship is.
And then the second thing that I would get curious about in this situation is you said you've been friends for a long time.
(04:50):
And this person shares, but you don't share.
So there could be a number of things happening here, right?
Some of the questions that come to me is why haven't you shared?
How often do you share with other people?
Are you comfortable with vulnerability?
Are you comfortable with asking for help?
Are you comfortable not showing yourself in the best light to your friendship?
(05:14):
Or have you been doing all those things and been met with resistance and a closed door?
Because those two situations are vastly different.
And you don't know how to move forward and have a conversation with this person until you identify what's happening.
I always call it like, what's my shit and what's your shit, right?
(05:35):
Because if I have a fear of showing up less than perfect to someone, that's a my shit, right?
If somebody isn't listening to me, that might be their shit.
And so owning your own shit is an important part of moving forward in a relationship.
So then with this situation, it's a conversation, right?
When we have friendships and relationships with people, we have to have difficult conversations.
(06:00):
So here's the way that you do that.
Number one, you ask for permission.
Never just bombard somebody with a conversation.
You don't know where they're at. They could be grumpy. They could have had a bad morning.
And so you say something like, hey, our friendship is really important to me.
And there's something that's getting in the way of me really being able to fully enjoy it right now.
(06:22):
Is there a good time that we could talk about this?
Or can we talk about this right now?
Get permission first.
That way you are setting the baseline for the best possibility of success. So you ask permission.
Then after that, you state what you want.
So I really want us to be close friends where both of us share and support each other equally.
(06:47):
Beautiful.
Now what's getting in the way, but sometimes I feel like the sharing's uneven in our relationship.
And I'd like to investigate that with you.
So from this point, it can be an investigation together.
Or if you have a clear request, then you can ask for that request to be met.
(07:11):
I would like you to sit and listen to a problem that I'm having right now.
Was that something that you'd be willing to do?
Now here's the thing with the request guys.
They can say yes or no. The other person can say whatever they want to say.
And that's okay.
If the answer is yes and you get what you want, awesome. If the answer is no and you don't get what you want, that's fine too.
(07:38):
Right? And any feelings that you have are yours to go deal with.
So if somebody says, you know what, no, I just, I can't do that.
Don't let your reptile brain go into a rage and judgment about that person.
Right? Take a deep breath.
And say, okay, that's not the answer I wanted, but thanks for being honest with me.
(08:03):
And then you go take your time to deal with whatever feelings you had about their answer and whatever steps and boundaries you need to make to move forward and build the life and the relationship that you want to build.
What are your views about your significant other talking to someone of the opposite sex about your relationship problems?
(08:26):
Hmm. So,
I think talking to another person about your relationship problems can be positive or negative.
So here's some things to think about.
First, have you talked to your significant other? Because I believe that you shouldn't be talking to anybody else about something that you haven't directly discussed directly with your partner.
(08:59):
I understand that there is a need sometimes or just like I said at the beginning of this show, right? Outside thinking to help you through where you're getting stuck in a relationship.
So I think that could be important, but it could also turn into gossip and complaining really quickly.
(09:20):
And so I think we need to be aware of that and aware that we've already discussed this with our significant other. We're still stuck. So we're reaching out for help.
And then depending on the topic, it might even be important to get permission from your partner. Right. So let's say that you're having problems in the bedroom. This would be a great example, right.
(09:44):
Hey, I'm really struggling with this. I know you and I've talked about this. I'd really like to talk to so and so about it to get their opinion.
And then your significant other can say, oh, yeah, but don't tell them these two details. I'm embarrassed about that or I don't want people to know that about me or whatever it is, right. Your partner has a right to privacy and respecting the privacy needs in a relationship of each partner is really, really important because that's build safety and safety build sort of that yummy yummy honeymoon type of experience.
(10:16):
Then the person you choose to talk about your relationship. Is this a person who doesn't hold judgment who won't hold it against your significant other. Is this a person you respect in the world is this important person that you've seen navigate relationships with intelligence and compassion.
Are you going to the right person to help you work through this.
(10:39):
Very important.
And then when you talk to them about your relationship problems. Just like I said in the beginning about everything I'm saying. It's not for you to take verbatim is for you to take sit with see what resonates and what doesn't resonate and use the new pieces to build your path forward.
(11:05):
I think the final thing I would say about this is, as a general rule, I think that men and women in a primary relationship or marriage should have friendships with lots of other people of all sexes.
I hate to say the opposite sex because there's so many same sex relationships that that's kind of a silly thing to say, and it really genderfies the whole conversation so gender aside.
(11:34):
After 13 years, I have friendships with so many attractive men and women who I love, and they are deep and fulfilling.
And my husband has friendships with so many beautiful women and handsome men.
And these friendships help make us whole and what we have together.
(11:55):
It just gets deeper and deeper, the more that we have all these beautiful friendships.
So that's possible.
I've also seen emotional intimacy built outside of a primary relationship.
And that's dangerous. Right.
It's sort of, you know, your inner circle to your outer circle, the most intimacy I have is with myself.
(12:20):
There's my husband, my son, my parents, my friends, right. There's a certain sort of appropriateness of sharing that goes out. And if I'm jumping out here and sharing at sort of a circle one level is disrespectful to people in my circle one, and it's inappropriate.
So if I want to change things and make decisions to bring that person into my inner circle, of course we can do that. But a lot of times I think people, people look outside their circles to get a need med that they're not getting in their circles, rather than talk about their needs with the people who are in their primary circles.
(13:04):
So that makes sense. Okay, let's go to another question. What do we got here?
As a woman, what are some of some ways to get a man to want you and chase you other than losing feelings for him?
Interesting.
(13:26):
So the assumption, and this question right, the assumption is that men chase after women when women lose feelings for them.
And I understand that this has probably been a lot of folks experience, but it's a sweeping generalization, and those are dangerous. And I don't want to say that that is necessarily true. And I certainly don't again want to genderfy it.
(13:56):
There is a weird dynamic in this world where anything you chase runs away from you. And that's true whether you're male or female or non-binary, it's true in relationships, it's true of jobs, it's true of everything, that chasing energy often doesn't get the results that we want.
(14:22):
So I will say that sexual chasing or lust is a beautiful human experience. And if that's something that you want to engage in and you want to flirt and have people chase you and sleep with a lot of people and have that dynamic of chasing love,
(14:47):
that's totally appropriate and within your right to want to create in your life, go right ahead.
However, you need to be careful when creating that and make sure that the other people understand the game you're playing and you have permission from them, because if somebody else is looking for, you know, real heart connection, and you're looking for the chasing game, that's not a good match and it's unkind to engage with someone who's looking for something different than what you are.
(15:24):
My experience is that the way that I attract things, sexual partners, men and women included, is to be my most authentic self and to shine as bright as I can.
I'm reminded right now of the meme, I don't know if you've seen it, it's a lighthouse and it says something like, lighthouses don't run all over rescuing boats, they just down there and shine.
(15:57):
And that's my experience with this, when I fully embody myself, when I stand there and shine, I attract people and money and opportunities and all these other things that are my heart's desire.
So I don't know if that is a good answer to your question, I would say if you're playing this sort of lusty game of sexual attraction and lust, I'm just not a good person to ask because I've never played that game.
(16:27):
It just hasn't showed up in my life, I don't love it. I've never loved dating. I've always been in long term committed relationships because that's what I find really juicy in life.
So it'd be better, I'm not, I'm not qualified to answer that I guess.
All right, let's see what the next question is here.
(16:49):
For those who struggle with lots of anxiety and low self esteem and image.
How do you overcome it and love yourself? I recently went through a breakup, and I'm wondering how to love myself when he made me feel so loved, and it was my source of confidence.
Beautifully written and very vulnerable. Thank you.
(17:16):
There's really two parts to this question that strike me.
The first one is the second half of the question, when the writer described that their partner was the one that sort of held them up and was their source of confidence.
(17:37):
Man guys, it is totally appropriate when we have relationships to lean on people and to have our needs met by others.
But that has to be in addition to loving ourselves.
Because if we're always sourcing our confidence and our love from outside ourselves, it's always at risk of being lost.
(18:00):
Right now I'm reminded of another quote.
And I'm not going to get it exact, but it says something like the bird doesn't trust the branch that it's sitting on, it trust its wings. So a branch can be a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a job, a certain amount of money, a certain house, whatever you have said, these things are going to make my life safe and secure.
(18:25):
Could be a religion, right? And these things aren't what we have control over. We have control over is us and our wings.
And so I would say invest in your wings sweetheart, like everybody invest in your wings so that you trust your wings. And you know that even when you go down into the pitfalls of life, you're resilient, and you're going to be able to fly again.
(18:54):
Okay, so the second question is now that we know we have to do that work. How the f do we do that, right? How do we fall in love with ourselves?
So the first thing is to recognize that our inner voice, whatever that shows up, like for you because people have different brains and some people have, you know, inner voice or voices, some people have busy inner voices, some people have very small inner voices, some people see in images, right?
(19:22):
It's all different. But when I say inner voice, that narrative that's guiding you, you can change that. So right now that inner voice is set on your filter for whatever beliefs you grew up with, things you heard on the playground experiences you have, right?
We've talked about this before. And so you have the power to change that.
(19:44):
So first, talk kindly to yourself. And this is just practice. So every time you're, you know, in a mindset and your brain is like, you're so ugly, you're a piece of crap, nobody wants you, you go, no brain.
That's not true.
The truth is, I have tremendous value, and I am beautiful.
(20:07):
And all I need to do is exist here. That's my job as a human is to come and experience life.
Right, whatever you want to say back to it, but you can start to have a dialogue with your inner voice and retrain it to be on your side.
Your inner voice can have your back. You just have to train it how to do that. Right. And so the, the, the bad voice, the negativity will get quieter and quieter, and your supportive voice will get louder and louder.
(20:39):
Then I would say self care. And I don't mean self care in the sense of bubble baths. Although that's great, right?
I mean that your nervous system needs to be calm and regulated in order for you to feel completely present in your body.
(21:02):
And having a dysregulated nervous system is like an epidemic right now, especially in America, right?
People are going so fast. There's so much input. There's so many screens that we don't cultivate the times of silence and quiet and rest that we need to have a regulated nervous system.
(21:25):
Did you know that there's seven different kinds of rest and you need all of them to be at your best?
Rest is something that our culture sort of puts aside and almost thinks of in kind of a disparaging way.
And word laziness is often hand in hand with rest and we've really done ourselves a disservice by creating this culture.
(21:55):
So reclaim rest for yourself, reclaim self care, start talking nicer to yourself.
And these things as a practice as you go through them will help you gain more confidence, more self love.
And you can create a hundred other tools to build yourself love that we can go over.
Maybe I'll try to write a blog about it and link. We don't have time here, but those are the two sort of heavy hitters that I see.
(22:24):
Okay, what's next on Dear Mindy Questions?
I think we need to handle obsessive thoughts. My manager sent an email to our department about an in person meeting on Tuesday, but no other details were given.
And I just keep assuming it's bad and have so much anxiety over it. Beautiful question. Beautiful question because I think a lot of us have a response that is not equal to or appropriate to the situation.
(22:59):
So this is just a meeting that you don't have any details on, right? You're going to figure it out when you get there. No amount of worrying or stressing about it is going to make you more prepared.
Here's an exercise that I like to do with people think about all the times you worried about something. Was there ever once that it turned out the way you worried about it?
(23:22):
Like exactly the way because for me, it hasn't. Yes, maybe I thought it was going to be a negative meeting and it was a negative meeting, but it didn't happen the way I obsessed over it, right?
And there is this illusion that if we obsess over our problems, if we worry that we're somehow going to be more prepared for them. And here's the thing. We are actually less prepared for them because we're dysregulated.
(23:54):
So the way that we can be most prepared for conflict or adversary is to be regulated, grounded, calm, confident. Those are the things that allow us in the moment to respond appropriately, to not get defensive, to not overreact, to not take things personally.
(24:18):
And so that's what we need to invest in when we start to stress out and get obsessive thoughts. It's like, whoa, time out, right? We need to get back to a place of regulation here.
You can even Google like nervous system regulation and you get all the tips. And that's going to help you.
Now, that being said, it's way easier to talk about than to actually do. But the good news is that the more you do this, the stronger your ability to do it becomes. It's just like a muscle.
(24:53):
So if you practice reprogramming your thoughts and your habits and your behaviors, it will come easier. So at this time with this meeting, you might keep redirecting your thoughts, and it might still not feel good.
And a lot of obsessive thoughts still might come up, even if you're in meditation, even if you are reprogramming your thoughts, right? I get it.
(25:20):
But I also know that the next time it'll be easier and easier and easier.
I also want to say something here about distraction.
Normally, I don't think distraction is a great tool.
But there are times when it can be. And there have been times in my life when my stress is so great and my nervous system is so dysregulated that I can't get back to being my true self or my most grounded self because I've allowed this situation to go on too long that I'm in a place where I'm
(26:02):
unhealthy, but I still have to go to this meeting, right? So I don't have access to my own sort of clarity and intuition and calm confidence.
And in those cases, I have used distraction. I have binge watch TV.
I've gone for a really long run, which is healthy, but it can still be distraction. I have listened to really loud music, all of these things.
(26:32):
And I would say that distraction is still powerful and can help you get out of those thoughts.
But here's what we need to know about distraction is if you're using distraction, that's a bandaid.
So you use it once, you're like, oh, okay, good. Now I'm going to get back on track. If you find yourself using it twice, three times, four times, whoa.
(26:56):
That's a time when a deeper look needs to be taken at making some changes in your life because if distraction is a tool that you're reaching for all the time,
you're not coming back to that place of self and regulation and calm and authenticity. That really is the place you need to be if you want to, number one, enjoy your life.
(27:21):
And number two, navigate your life with clarity and confidence. You need to be regulated in order to do that.
Does anybody else have big issues with forgiveness and mind sharing some details? I have a very good life right now and I am peaceful and very slow to get irritated.
Also, my wife is a lovely person with very little anger. Most of the things that I get angrier about are from 10 plus years ago.
(27:48):
As such, if I start dwelling on them, I feel a bit of an ungrateful loser for lack of a better term. I do things like meditation and seeing things from the other's perspective, etc.
I feel like I'm carrying an unnecessary weight around.
Beautifully said, like so beautifully said, thank you so much.
(28:10):
Hmm.
I think we come to peace with past and forgiveness.
First, I think it's important to say that most of us have experienced things in life that have traumatized us to the point that we need professional therapy.
(28:37):
And I think it's important to go to talk to somebody who's outside of our life to help us reclaim that inner narrative that we have about that situation, help us go back and see all the pieces of it again and put the story back together.
And sometimes that's work that can be done on your own, but often because we're stuck in our own heads and particularly I think when we have something that's 10 years old and we've been telling ourselves the same story about this situation or this person for 10 years, then we really do need help getting out of our own brains.
(29:16):
And I think it's important to have you on forgiveness, and this doesn't have to be your view, and it doesn't have to be something you agree with. But I don't know if you've read radical forgiveness or know of the concept.
But maybe when I've gone back for things and reclaimed and rewritten the story, I realize that a lot of it was innocent, that it couldn't have happened any other way, that this person, although they hurt me, was doing the best they could with the tools that they had at the time.
(29:55):
And so there's nothing to forgive. And to me, when I get to that place, it's true magic.
I'll tell one story about that.
I was married to a drug addict who was not very nice, my first husband. And when I left him, we'll talk about like the worst divorce two years restraining order, I mean, just horrific.
(30:30):
So horrific. And I knew that I had to change my story about being a victim, because the longer that I kept that story that I was being victimized, the more that I was victimized.
(30:51):
So I went to the park and I sat by the lake and I called my almost ex husband, soul, to come to me so I could talk to it. I know this is a little woo woo, but sometimes woo woo stuff works guys.
And I said, Hey, what's going on here like why are we in this what's happening. And his sweet little soul said, You asked me to never leave you.
(31:22):
And I went back and I realized that on an non verbal soul to soul communication. That is exactly what I had asked for. I had been abandoned as a child. And when I got married the first time, I just wanted someone who would never leave me.
He wasn't leaving me with the restraining order he wasn't leaving me alone. He was doing exactly what I had asked him to on a soul level. And so I said, Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
(31:57):
But I release you you don't have to do this anymore. You can leave me. I'm okay. I'm strong enough. Thank you. Thank you.
And the next morning things wildly changed.
I got full custody. My husband was my ex husband was arrested and went to prison and everything that had been this huge conflict and fight and you know almost losing my child was immediately resolved.
(32:31):
Up to you to decide if those two things had a connection or not. To me, they clearly had a connection. And so I've used this tool again and again where I sit and I go okay what's actually happening here.
And whether it's imagination or the person's soul really comes to me. There's something happening on a soul level or inner child level or unconscious level that we're not aware of all the time. And when we can become aware of that greater truth and knowledge can be found.
(33:06):
I highly recommend and I will put it in the show notes, going to read the little soul in in the sun. It's about this topic, and it's one of my all time favorite stories I guarantee you'll love it too, regardless of where you stand religiously or on the new age spectrum or how you think about souls it's
a beautiful story. Alright guys, that was a very strange, Mindy only episode of chasing thoughts, but I had a lot of fun. And you guys actually kind of inspired me to maybe dear do a dear Mindy playlist on my YouTube channel because it was so much fun just talking
(33:48):
about life and all of the things that we have to navigate as humans, and we are not alone. We are navigating the same types of things. And there's so much more similarity between us than there is differences.
(34:09):
It's so beautiful when we can both be the teacher and the student and we can be honest and vulnerable and allow wisdom to just come up and be present. So good. So good.
I love you guys. I really missed Keith today. So Keith, I hope you feel better. I'm sending a big call out to the universe. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you next week.
(34:43):
Thank you for listening to the chasing thoughts podcast. Please support us by liking, subscribing or leaving a review or comment. We would really appreciate it. If you'd like to be a guest, we would love to explore life and what it means to be human with you. Please email us at chasing thoughts podcast at gmail.com.
Welcome to the Chasing Thoughts podcast.
(00:03):
Listen in as Mindy, Keith and their guests
take a deep dive into their own minds and souls
to investigate the beauty of imperfection,
challenge their beliefs,
and embrace the richness of living a truly authentic life.
Hi, this is Mindy.
Welcome to Season 2, Episode 17 of the Chasing Thoughts podcast.
(00:27):
Now today's kind of weird, guys.
So Keith is sick.
He's not here.
And we had a guest scheduled, but they weren't able to show.
So it's Mindy time.
So what I thought I'd do today that would be kind of fun is
answer some questions that I found online.
(00:49):
Here's the thing.
When I was a kid, I absolutely loved Dear Abby.
Not necessarily because I agreed with everything that she said,
but because it was interesting to me to see how people thought about things.
And I think that when we share our opinions and our stories,
and particularly when we share what's on our filter,
(01:10):
it helps other people identify how they might be able to think differently,
how their mindset could be different,
something that might need updating or changing on their filter to get the results that they want in their life.
So it's really important to share these kinds of things.
So I want to be very, very, very, very, very, very, very clear that this is not advice.
(01:35):
And you should not take my advice and you should not take anybody's advice.
Because you and only you know what's right for you.
And so you can hear what people say and you bring it in and then it becomes sort of a round table in your mind.
And you will also have your own round table, right?
You have your inner warrior and your inner child and your inner protector.
(01:59):
And so you take all these external opinions and internal opinions and then you check in with self.
And that is how you make decisions and gain clarity in your life.
So let's look at a few fun questions and I'll kind of tell you what comes up for me and how I think about them.
And while you're listening to me, you can think about how you think about it and we can really investigate and discover all the different ways that there is to operate in this world with our mindset.
(02:31):
Because our mindset is so powerful and so important.
So let's take a peek here at what my questions are that I have.
So the first question I have is, what would you do if you finally realize someone you consider a friend only comes to you when they want to talk about their problems.
This is someone you consider a close friend.
(02:53):
They never ask you how you are.
They never just wait, they never ask you how you are.
They just want to dump their problems on you and always talk about themselves.
They just ignore you 99% of the time and 1% of the time they don't.
They only come to you when they need something.
Okay, interesting situation, right?
(03:14):
So, first of all, I think it's interesting that the person who wrote this question called it a close friendship.
So the first thing I would do if I was in this situation is take some time to sit about, sit and think about what my definition of friendship is.
What has been written on my filter by my parents, my school, my education, my religion, my past friendships.
(03:41):
What do I believe friendship is because I need that definition before I can move forward.
I also need to realize that my definition is not the same as other peoples.
For example, something real simple.
In my friendships, we can go weeks without texting each other, someone can text me and I can text back three weeks later, it's not a problem.
(04:03):
But I know for some people, immediate response is something that they classify as being a good friend.
So if I was to get into a relationship with that person and not respond to them quickly, they could say, ah, Mindy, such a bad friend.
But in my definition of friendship, I'm being a good friend.
It's just a simple difference in the way that we can see things.
(04:27):
And these differences can just continue on and on and on and on and on.
And then there's no right or wrong or good or bad.
It's just different.
And so I think that would be the first thing to do here is identify what your definition of friendship is.
And then the second thing that I would get curious about in this situation is you said you've been friends for a long time.
(04:50):
And this person shares, but you don't share.
So there could be a number of things happening here, right?
Some of the questions that come to me is why haven't you shared?
How often do you share with other people?
Are you comfortable with vulnerability?
Are you comfortable with asking for help?
Are you comfortable not showing yourself in the best light to your friendship?
(05:14):
Or have you been doing all those things and been met with resistance and a closed door?
Because those two situations are vastly different.
And you don't know how to move forward and have a conversation with this person until you identify what's happening.
I always call it like, what's my shit and what's your shit, right?
(05:35):
Because if I have a fear of showing up less than perfect to someone, that's a my shit, right?
If somebody isn't listening to me, that might be their shit.
And so owning your own shit is an important part of moving forward in a relationship.
So then with this situation, it's a conversation, right?
When we have friendships and relationships with people, we have to have difficult conversations.
(06:00):
So here's the way that you do that.
Number one, you ask for permission.
Never just bombard somebody with a conversation.
You don't know where they're at. They could be grumpy. They could have had a bad morning.
And so you say something like, hey, our friendship is really important to me.
And there's something that's getting in the way of me really being able to fully enjoy it right now.
(06:22):
Is there a good time that we could talk about this?
Or can we talk about this right now?
Get permission first.
That way you are setting the baseline for the best possibility of success. So you ask permission.
Then after that, you state what you want.
So I really want us to be close friends where both of us share and support each other equally.
(06:47):
Beautiful.
Now what's getting in the way, but sometimes I feel like the sharing's uneven in our relationship.
And I'd like to investigate that with you.
So from this point, it can be an investigation together.
Or if you have a clear request, then you can ask for that request to be met.
(07:11):
I would like you to sit and listen to a problem that I'm having right now.
Was that something that you'd be willing to do?
Now here's the thing with the request guys.
They can say yes or no. The other person can say whatever they want to say.
And that's okay.
If the answer is yes and you get what you want, awesome. If the answer is no and you don't get what you want, that's fine too.
(07:38):
Right? And any feelings that you have are yours to go deal with.
So if somebody says, you know what, no, I just, I can't do that.
Don't let your reptile brain go into a rage and judgment about that person.
Right? Take a deep breath.
And say, okay, that's not the answer I wanted, but thanks for being honest with me.
(08:03):
And then you go take your time to deal with whatever feelings you had about their answer and whatever steps and boundaries you need to make to move forward and build the life and the relationship that you want to build.
What are your views about your significant other talking to someone of the opposite sex about your relationship problems?
(08:26):
Hmm. So,
I think talking to another person about your relationship problems can be positive or negative.
So here's some things to think about.
First, have you talked to your significant other? Because I believe that you shouldn't be talking to anybody else about something that you haven't directly discussed directly with your partner.
(08:59):
I understand that there is a need sometimes or just like I said at the beginning of this show, right? Outside thinking to help you through where you're getting stuck in a relationship.
So I think that could be important, but it could also turn into gossip and complaining really quickly.
(09:20):
And so I think we need to be aware of that and aware that we've already discussed this with our significant other. We're still stuck. So we're reaching out for help.
And then depending on the topic, it might even be important to get permission from your partner. Right. So let's say that you're having problems in the bedroom. This would be a great example, right.
(09:44):
Hey, I'm really struggling with this. I know you and I've talked about this. I'd really like to talk to so and so about it to get their opinion.
And then your significant other can say, oh, yeah, but don't tell them these two details. I'm embarrassed about that or I don't want people to know that about me or whatever it is, right. Your partner has a right to privacy and respecting the privacy needs in a relationship of each partner is really, really important because that's build safety and safety build sort of that yummy yummy honeymoon type of experience.
(10:16):
Then the person you choose to talk about your relationship. Is this a person who doesn't hold judgment who won't hold it against your significant other. Is this a person you respect in the world is this important person that you've seen navigate relationships with intelligence and compassion.
Are you going to the right person to help you work through this.
(10:39):
Very important.
And then when you talk to them about your relationship problems. Just like I said in the beginning about everything I'm saying. It's not for you to take verbatim is for you to take sit with see what resonates and what doesn't resonate and use the new pieces to build your path forward.
(11:05):
I think the final thing I would say about this is, as a general rule, I think that men and women in a primary relationship or marriage should have friendships with lots of other people of all sexes.
I hate to say the opposite sex because there's so many same sex relationships that that's kind of a silly thing to say, and it really genderfies the whole conversation so gender aside.
(11:34):
After 13 years, I have friendships with so many attractive men and women who I love, and they are deep and fulfilling.
And my husband has friendships with so many beautiful women and handsome men.
And these friendships help make us whole and what we have together.
(11:55):
It just gets deeper and deeper, the more that we have all these beautiful friendships.
So that's possible.
I've also seen emotional intimacy built outside of a primary relationship.
And that's dangerous. Right.
It's sort of, you know, your inner circle to your outer circle, the most intimacy I have is with myself.
(12:20):
There's my husband, my son, my parents, my friends, right. There's a certain sort of appropriateness of sharing that goes out. And if I'm jumping out here and sharing at sort of a circle one level is disrespectful to people in my circle one, and it's inappropriate.
So if I want to change things and make decisions to bring that person into my inner circle, of course we can do that. But a lot of times I think people, people look outside their circles to get a need med that they're not getting in their circles, rather than talk about their needs with the people who are in their primary circles.
(13:04):
So that makes sense. Okay, let's go to another question. What do we got here?
As a woman, what are some of some ways to get a man to want you and chase you other than losing feelings for him?
Interesting.
(13:26):
So the assumption, and this question right, the assumption is that men chase after women when women lose feelings for them.
And I understand that this has probably been a lot of folks experience, but it's a sweeping generalization, and those are dangerous. And I don't want to say that that is necessarily true. And I certainly don't again want to genderfy it.
(13:56):
There is a weird dynamic in this world where anything you chase runs away from you. And that's true whether you're male or female or non-binary, it's true in relationships, it's true of jobs, it's true of everything, that chasing energy often doesn't get the results that we want.
(14:22):
So I will say that sexual chasing or lust is a beautiful human experience. And if that's something that you want to engage in and you want to flirt and have people chase you and sleep with a lot of people and have that dynamic of chasing love,
(14:47):
that's totally appropriate and within your right to want to create in your life, go right ahead.
However, you need to be careful when creating that and make sure that the other people understand the game you're playing and you have permission from them, because if somebody else is looking for, you know, real heart connection, and you're looking for the chasing game, that's not a good match and it's unkind to engage with someone who's looking for something different than what you are.
(15:24):
My experience is that the way that I attract things, sexual partners, men and women included, is to be my most authentic self and to shine as bright as I can.
I'm reminded right now of the meme, I don't know if you've seen it, it's a lighthouse and it says something like, lighthouses don't run all over rescuing boats, they just down there and shine.
(15:57):
And that's my experience with this, when I fully embody myself, when I stand there and shine, I attract people and money and opportunities and all these other things that are my heart's desire.
So I don't know if that is a good answer to your question, I would say if you're playing this sort of lusty game of sexual attraction and lust, I'm just not a good person to ask because I've never played that game.
(16:27):
It just hasn't showed up in my life, I don't love it. I've never loved dating. I've always been in long term committed relationships because that's what I find really juicy in life.
So it'd be better, I'm not, I'm not qualified to answer that I guess.
All right, let's see what the next question is here.
(16:49):
For those who struggle with lots of anxiety and low self esteem and image.
How do you overcome it and love yourself? I recently went through a breakup, and I'm wondering how to love myself when he made me feel so loved, and it was my source of confidence.
Beautifully written and very vulnerable. Thank you.
(17:16):
There's really two parts to this question that strike me.
The first one is the second half of the question, when the writer described that their partner was the one that sort of held them up and was their source of confidence.
(17:37):
Man guys, it is totally appropriate when we have relationships to lean on people and to have our needs met by others.
But that has to be in addition to loving ourselves.
Because if we're always sourcing our confidence and our love from outside ourselves, it's always at risk of being lost.
(18:00):
Right now I'm reminded of another quote.
And I'm not going to get it exact, but it says something like the bird doesn't trust the branch that it's sitting on, it trust its wings. So a branch can be a boyfriend, a girlfriend, a job, a certain amount of money, a certain house, whatever you have said, these things are going to make my life safe and secure.
(18:25):
Could be a religion, right? And these things aren't what we have control over. We have control over is us and our wings.
And so I would say invest in your wings sweetheart, like everybody invest in your wings so that you trust your wings. And you know that even when you go down into the pitfalls of life, you're resilient, and you're going to be able to fly again.
(18:54):
Okay, so the second question is now that we know we have to do that work. How the f do we do that, right? How do we fall in love with ourselves?
So the first thing is to recognize that our inner voice, whatever that shows up, like for you because people have different brains and some people have, you know, inner voice or voices, some people have busy inner voices, some people have very small inner voices, some people see in images, right?
(19:22):
It's all different. But when I say inner voice, that narrative that's guiding you, you can change that. So right now that inner voice is set on your filter for whatever beliefs you grew up with, things you heard on the playground experiences you have, right?
We've talked about this before. And so you have the power to change that.
(19:44):
So first, talk kindly to yourself. And this is just practice. So every time you're, you know, in a mindset and your brain is like, you're so ugly, you're a piece of crap, nobody wants you, you go, no brain.
That's not true.
The truth is, I have tremendous value, and I am beautiful.
(20:07):
And all I need to do is exist here. That's my job as a human is to come and experience life.
Right, whatever you want to say back to it, but you can start to have a dialogue with your inner voice and retrain it to be on your side.
Your inner voice can have your back. You just have to train it how to do that. Right. And so the, the, the bad voice, the negativity will get quieter and quieter, and your supportive voice will get louder and louder.
(20:39):
Then I would say self care. And I don't mean self care in the sense of bubble baths. Although that's great, right?
I mean that your nervous system needs to be calm and regulated in order for you to feel completely present in your body.
(21:02):
And having a dysregulated nervous system is like an epidemic right now, especially in America, right?
People are going so fast. There's so much input. There's so many screens that we don't cultivate the times of silence and quiet and rest that we need to have a regulated nervous system.
(21:25):
Did you know that there's seven different kinds of rest and you need all of them to be at your best?
Rest is something that our culture sort of puts aside and almost thinks of in kind of a disparaging way.
And word laziness is often hand in hand with rest and we've really done ourselves a disservice by creating this culture.
(21:55):
So reclaim rest for yourself, reclaim self care, start talking nicer to yourself.
And these things as a practice as you go through them will help you gain more confidence, more self love.
And you can create a hundred other tools to build yourself love that we can go over.
Maybe I'll try to write a blog about it and link. We don't have time here, but those are the two sort of heavy hitters that I see.
(22:24):
Okay, what's next on Dear Mindy Questions?
I think we need to handle obsessive thoughts. My manager sent an email to our department about an in person meeting on Tuesday, but no other details were given.
And I just keep assuming it's bad and have so much anxiety over it. Beautiful question. Beautiful question because I think a lot of us have a response that is not equal to or appropriate to the situation.
(22:59):
So this is just a meeting that you don't have any details on, right? You're going to figure it out when you get there. No amount of worrying or stressing about it is going to make you more prepared.
Here's an exercise that I like to do with people think about all the times you worried about something. Was there ever once that it turned out the way you worried about it?
(23:22):
Like exactly the way because for me, it hasn't. Yes, maybe I thought it was going to be a negative meeting and it was a negative meeting, but it didn't happen the way I obsessed over it, right?
And there is this illusion that if we obsess over our problems, if we worry that we're somehow going to be more prepared for them. And here's the thing. We are actually less prepared for them because we're dysregulated.
(23:54):
So the way that we can be most prepared for conflict or adversary is to be regulated, grounded, calm, confident. Those are the things that allow us in the moment to respond appropriately, to not get defensive, to not overreact, to not take things personally.
(24:18):
And so that's what we need to invest in when we start to stress out and get obsessive thoughts. It's like, whoa, time out, right? We need to get back to a place of regulation here.
You can even Google like nervous system regulation and you get all the tips. And that's going to help you.
Now, that being said, it's way easier to talk about than to actually do. But the good news is that the more you do this, the stronger your ability to do it becomes. It's just like a muscle.
(24:53):
So if you practice reprogramming your thoughts and your habits and your behaviors, it will come easier. So at this time with this meeting, you might keep redirecting your thoughts, and it might still not feel good.
And a lot of obsessive thoughts still might come up, even if you're in meditation, even if you are reprogramming your thoughts, right? I get it.
(25:20):
But I also know that the next time it'll be easier and easier and easier.
I also want to say something here about distraction.
Normally, I don't think distraction is a great tool.
But there are times when it can be. And there have been times in my life when my stress is so great and my nervous system is so dysregulated that I can't get back to being my true self or my most grounded self because I've allowed this situation to go on too long that I'm in a place where I'm
(26:02):
unhealthy, but I still have to go to this meeting, right? So I don't have access to my own sort of clarity and intuition and calm confidence.
And in those cases, I have used distraction. I have binge watch TV.
I've gone for a really long run, which is healthy, but it can still be distraction. I have listened to really loud music, all of these things.
(26:32):
And I would say that distraction is still powerful and can help you get out of those thoughts.
But here's what we need to know about distraction is if you're using distraction, that's a bandaid.
So you use it once, you're like, oh, okay, good. Now I'm going to get back on track. If you find yourself using it twice, three times, four times, whoa.
(26:56):
That's a time when a deeper look needs to be taken at making some changes in your life because if distraction is a tool that you're reaching for all the time,
you're not coming back to that place of self and regulation and calm and authenticity. That really is the place you need to be if you want to, number one, enjoy your life.
(27:21):
And number two, navigate your life with clarity and confidence. You need to be regulated in order to do that.
Does anybody else have big issues with forgiveness and mind sharing some details? I have a very good life right now and I am peaceful and very slow to get irritated.
Also, my wife is a lovely person with very little anger. Most of the things that I get angrier about are from 10 plus years ago.
(27:48):
As such, if I start dwelling on them, I feel a bit of an ungrateful loser for lack of a better term. I do things like meditation and seeing things from the other's perspective, etc.
I feel like I'm carrying an unnecessary weight around.
Beautifully said, like so beautifully said, thank you so much.
(28:10):
Hmm.
I think we come to peace with past and forgiveness.
First, I think it's important to say that most of us have experienced things in life that have traumatized us to the point that we need professional therapy.
(28:37):
And I think it's important to go to talk to somebody who's outside of our life to help us reclaim that inner narrative that we have about that situation, help us go back and see all the pieces of it again and put the story back together.
And sometimes that's work that can be done on your own, but often because we're stuck in our own heads and particularly I think when we have something that's 10 years old and we've been telling ourselves the same story about this situation or this person for 10 years, then we really do need help getting out of our own brains.
(29:16):
And I think it's important to have you on forgiveness, and this doesn't have to be your view, and it doesn't have to be something you agree with. But I don't know if you've read radical forgiveness or know of the concept.
But maybe when I've gone back for things and reclaimed and rewritten the story, I realize that a lot of it was innocent, that it couldn't have happened any other way, that this person, although they hurt me, was doing the best they could with the tools that they had at the time.
(29:55):
And so there's nothing to forgive. And to me, when I get to that place, it's true magic.
I'll tell one story about that.
I was married to a drug addict who was not very nice, my first husband. And when I left him, we'll talk about like the worst divorce two years restraining order, I mean, just horrific.
(30:30):
So horrific. And I knew that I had to change my story about being a victim, because the longer that I kept that story that I was being victimized, the more that I was victimized.
(30:51):
So I went to the park and I sat by the lake and I called my almost ex husband, soul, to come to me so I could talk to it. I know this is a little woo woo, but sometimes woo woo stuff works guys.
And I said, Hey, what's going on here like why are we in this what's happening. And his sweet little soul said, You asked me to never leave you.
(31:22):
And I went back and I realized that on an non verbal soul to soul communication. That is exactly what I had asked for. I had been abandoned as a child. And when I got married the first time, I just wanted someone who would never leave me.
He wasn't leaving me with the restraining order he wasn't leaving me alone. He was doing exactly what I had asked him to on a soul level. And so I said, Oh, thank you, thank you so much.
(31:57):
But I release you you don't have to do this anymore. You can leave me. I'm okay. I'm strong enough. Thank you. Thank you.
And the next morning things wildly changed.
I got full custody. My husband was my ex husband was arrested and went to prison and everything that had been this huge conflict and fight and you know almost losing my child was immediately resolved.
(32:31):
Up to you to decide if those two things had a connection or not. To me, they clearly had a connection. And so I've used this tool again and again where I sit and I go okay what's actually happening here.
And whether it's imagination or the person's soul really comes to me. There's something happening on a soul level or inner child level or unconscious level that we're not aware of all the time. And when we can become aware of that greater truth and knowledge can be found.
(33:06):
I highly recommend and I will put it in the show notes, going to read the little soul in in the sun. It's about this topic, and it's one of my all time favorite stories I guarantee you'll love it too, regardless of where you stand religiously or on the new age spectrum or how you think about souls it's
a beautiful story. Alright guys, that was a very strange, Mindy only episode of chasing thoughts, but I had a lot of fun. And you guys actually kind of inspired me to maybe dear do a dear Mindy playlist on my YouTube channel because it was so much fun just talking
(33:48):
about life and all of the things that we have to navigate as humans, and we are not alone. We are navigating the same types of things. And there's so much more similarity between us than there is differences.
(34:09):
It's so beautiful when we can both be the teacher and the student and we can be honest and vulnerable and allow wisdom to just come up and be present. So good. So good.
I love you guys. I really missed Keith today. So Keith, I hope you feel better. I'm sending a big call out to the universe. Thank you so much for being here and I will see you next week.
(34:43):
Thank you for listening to the chasing thoughts podcast. Please support us by liking, subscribing or leaving a review or comment. We would really appreciate it. If you'd like to be a guest, we would love to explore life and what it means to be human with you. Please email us at chasing thoughts podcast at gmail.com.
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