September 20, 2024 • 56 mins
In this episode of the Chasing Thoughts Podcast 🎙️ Mindy and Keith talk about the ideas, beliefs, and structures that shape our lives.
We explore the balance ⚖️ between living within imposed structures—like those taught by parents 👨‍👩‍👧, religion ⛪, and education 🎓—and the freedom of building a life that aligns with your personal truth 🌟.
We also discuss the benefits of living in the flow with life 🌊—tapping into creativity, flexibility, and a sense of ease that allows you to navigate change more gracefully.
Join us as we uncover how to create a path that feels authentic to you 💡✨.
As always life and subscribe
Chapters
00:00:00 Introduction
00:02:04 Imposed structure Vs. building your own structure
00:04:46 Tried of expending energy on trying to fit in
00:09:12 The stories we tell ourselves
00:20:36 Breaking out of complete structure
00:23:35 Flow Vs. Structure
00:34:!9 Feeling safe at home
00:48:13 The “good” and the “bad” side of our emotions should work together for out benefit
If you would like to know more about Mindy or Keith you can find them here:
Mindy Aisling (@mindyaisling)
Keith Dauch (@mastercheeseee)
More on Chasing Thoughts:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What is my next challenge in daring to be human?
(00:07):
How do I connect with life?
How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?
How do I live free from the experiences that shaped me?
How can we be the change the world needs right now?
Join us weekly for story conversations about life.
It is our mission to allow life itself to reveal to us the answers.
(00:35):
Welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Hello everybody, welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Today we're going to talk about being in the flow and also being structured
in the flow of life.
(00:58):
I want to remind everybody that in this show we do not have the answers.
I came here today and we talked about topic yesterday.
It has been rolling around in my mind and I don't know the answer.
It is something I am struggling with.
I smoke weed and meditated before the show.
I don't feel like I know anything.
(01:21):
I don't know if I know anything.
I don't know if the explanation is coming up.
Yeah.
Wisdom comes up when you don't know the answer.
I was doing the same thing.
I was sitting on my back step smoking and thinking about that.
It hit me.
(01:42):
Here's another paradox.
I think it's a lot of people who are struggling at the same time.
We need to live in that flow of things, live intuitively,
but we also need structure.
I don't think there is an answer to it.
I think it's kind of flowing in and out of it as you have to.
(02:04):
Yeah.
I think it also might be more difficult when you come to a place in
your life where you don't have to work hard.
You have to be in all your own structure.
Because a lot of my life, my roles dictated my structure.
I had jobs where I had to show up the hours.
(02:25):
They told me to.
I had a kid.
He needed to get to school at a certain time.
I needed to do this.
Right.
And I'm finally at this time in my life where I'm building my own
business.
I'm building my own brand.
I'm doing it all myself.
I'm building my own business.
I'm building my own business.
(02:46):
I can do whatever I want.
And while that freedom is beautiful.
It invites this challenge for me.
Of.
Building that structure to succeed and reach my goals.
That is such an amazing point.
And it perfectly highlights everything that I've been feeling
since starting this whole thing.
(03:07):
Right.
And I'm really excited as a person.
I'm excited that I was able to get into my own structure.
I'm so excited that I was able to get into my own structure.
Which was different.
And as you were saying that,
like the thought that popped into my head was.
I've never had this much freedom.
To impose my own structure.
You know, so we're born, you know, with the whole philosophy.
(03:30):
Tabula, Ross a blank slate.
But we're immediately, well, even before we're born, we're being.
We're experiencing things, you know, inside the womb.
learning and experiencing stuff from our parents.
So this is the first time where without anything,
I have the cognitive ability to question who I am,
(03:50):
which I couldn't when I was born,
but I can make it myself.
And it's like standing over a void,
you're not falling,
but there's nothing that you see holding yourself there.
And it's just this feeling of pure terror.
Yeah.
And I also have this thing going on where it's like I feel
(04:13):
like I need permission.
Like, oh, I want to work at 10 PM.
Well, that's not normal or oh, you want to take this break
or do I think things out of the box that would be unique fit
for me.
And then there's this sense of like, I'm not allowed to do that.
And it's so interesting to me as I've seen that come up over
and over again.
(04:33):
Like, what is that voice that's telling me I'm not allowed
to do something when I'm literally allowed to do it?
Like, where's that coming from?
It's interesting to me.
Yeah.
I am so sick of that feeling of having to fit in,
you know, not wanting to stand out in any way.
(04:55):
And I think it's natural.
And I think that's one of the things PTSD does bring to people
is like that need to an unhealthy way.
Yes.
You know, I mean, even like most of my clothes are black.
And that's because I don't want any color because color will
attract attention.
(05:17):
Yeah.
You know, like the dome light on my car is off.
So at night when I open the door, it does the light doesn't attract
attention.
And it's I'm so tired of that.
And that's energy spent, right?
Of you being aware of your environment and doing certain
things.
And the more that we do that, the less energy we have for real
(05:39):
creative stuff or our brilliance, right?
The more that I worry about what people think of me,
the less energy I have for something else.
I almost wonder too, like, do you think that the energy that's
spent in the creative process,
(06:00):
we can get more output for the energy we put into it.
Whereas the energy that is spent because like trying to fit in,
not wanting to stand out, that's all survival.
Yeah.
And so we're in that fight or flight response.
And is it, are we expending more energy to keep ourselves safe in
(06:21):
an environment where we don't have to, you know,
the threat is psychological and not real?
Yes.
I think that is very true.
And I honestly can't even imagine if I felt safe in my,
my environment all the time.
And I mean, like safe, being able to show up, right?
Be judged, not care, let people live their own story.
(06:45):
I imagine I'd have a lot more energy because a lot of my energy
goes to that.
And I think that's a very important thing.
And I think that even if I am consciously trying to choose
something else or not listening to those thoughts,
keeping up a wall against those thoughts or like even having them
there is a drain.
Yeah.
(07:08):
Yeah.
Haven't, haven't just to defend yourself against those thoughts.
Yeah.
Interesting. Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not going to tell my husband like,
I'm not able to defend against those thoughts right now.
Like if something happens, I'm going to be spiky.
We're going to fight easily.
(07:29):
I'm struggling because when you can't defend yourself from those
thoughts, that's when you get in big fights.
That's when you spiral down.
But it just happens sometimes.
And you know, that, that, that is the worst part of like all that
anxiety to be in where you feel like you can't escape from it.
(07:53):
You know, they, they did studies after 9 11 with kids that were in
school around those, the buildings.
And when, when the planes hit, the teachers like got them all
together and then began to like run them down the street.
And they found less instances of PTSD in these kids.
(08:16):
Because there's, they were active in their own, in, in protecting
themselves.
Interesting.
And then when we're in those situations where like during the
Holocaust, Victor Franco writes about the worst, the worst mental
sort of trauma that, that they faced was not having an end to, to
(08:39):
their imprisonment.
So it was just open ended thing.
And so there's, there's a hopelessness that seeps in that
you're, you're then trying to fight as, as well as the situation
that you're in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's interesting how our whole life is in this physical
world, but also in this mental world of stories that we're telling
(09:03):
ourselves as we traverse this landscape of humanity, you're right
of being.
Yeah.
It's.
I'm becoming like addicted to the idea of stories.
Cause I think that that's, I mean, we're, we're the narrators in
our own story, you know, like, uh, was that movie, um, stand by me,
you know, like, were they narrator, like the wonder years, were they
(09:26):
narrating the story in their, like that, I mean, that's basically
what we're doing.
Yeah.
We're living a character and we're narrating our own story, which
means we can make it up.
But first we have to kind of learn how to block out the white
noise, which is the societal ideas and the parental ideas and the
teachers and the religion and all that stuff and, and choose a
(09:49):
story that we want to tell.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you have to have awareness that you have that control, right?
Cause a lot of us go, our lives are much of our lives thinking that
our stories and our thoughts are just who we are.
Yeah.
That separation and be able to see the pieces.
That's where I really, I think, I think that's where the juiciness
(10:12):
starts.
Yeah.
That, that was one of the, one of the things that I learned that
had a huge, um, pivotal moment for me was, was that worthy
observer of our thoughts.
So then therefore we're not our thoughts.
We're something else.
And then just starting to learn how to connect with that higher
(10:34):
level, um, consciousness.
Like that was so pivotal for me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Me too.
Yeah.
That.
Like being able to watch myself be anxious versus being anxious.
Right.
To be like, okay, here I am.
(10:56):
I'm going into my patterns of high anxiety.
If I don't take care of myself, I'm going to like break down crying.
But I'm watching myself and I'm not lost in it.
And so I can take care of myself.
Because I'm like, okay, Mindy, here we go.
We need to go do this now. Right. Oh, someone said something and you
feel defensive.
Okay.
(11:17):
We're going to take a deep breath, Mindy. Right.
And then I'm like, yeah, it's like I'm coaching my own self on how
to live.
Yeah.
I think that I have this consciousness.
Yeah. And that's, that's the key.
You know, that's, that's what allows us to live.
Responding to what is going on instead of reacting to what's
(11:38):
going on.
Yeah.
Like for the things that are truly dangerous, like that, that
reactive brain is, it's going to do what it does.
It's going to take over and it's going to react, you know, but being
able to stay and recognize that somebody just pissing you off for
whatever reason is not actually a threat.
(11:59):
You know, like, I, in fact, a couple minutes before we jumped on,
I was looking at my YouTube stuff because I got a new comment.
And I was like, oh, I wonder what they said and stuff.
And I looked and it was this thing where I was just talking about,
I love ancient artifacts.
Like there's just some type of energy that I, I almost like can
feel, you know, being close to them and everything, like thinking
(12:23):
that somebody 3000 years ago touched something.
It was lost to time.
And then I'm digging it out of the earth.
You know, that is, oh my God, incredible.
And so I was talking about that and this dude responding goes,
stop yapping.
So at first, like, I was like, I'm going to be like,
(12:44):
I'm going to get my hair cut first.
Like, I get like pissed.
You know, and then I just started laughing.
I'm like, it's kind of funny. Stop yapping.
I haven't heard that in a while.
You know, and he this dude's coming in no way is a threat to me
unless I, unless I allow it in like a free vampire,
you got to invite him in, man.
(13:05):
Right. If I invite those, those things in.
And really he told you something about him.
not into storytelling or he's uncomfortable with somebody sharing their passion or right like
he showed you something about him that has nothing to do with you based on his judgment.
It's not even about you really. Yeah, yeah, you know, like, because then in my thoughts,
(13:30):
and I'm just making all these assumptions about him, you know, this is somebody that is not connected
to wonder in life, you know, to action, you know, and that makes just makes me sad for him,
you know, when it comes down to it. Yeah, and maybe it's true or maybe it's not true, but
(13:51):
that story in your head makes you a more compassionate person, and it makes you feel
safe in your own space and body. So that's a wise belief system to have.
Yeah. And dude, that that is that's just like the locking key for everything. It doesn't matter
(14:13):
if the story is true or not. What matters is what the story does for me, because if the story makes
me go into not being angry, not not losing and just wasting my energy and all these negative
emotions, but it pushes me into a more positive place that is bringing more energy into me,
(14:36):
like just bringing life into me. That is the purpose of the story, not not to be true or false.
Right. But to either bring life into me or deplete life from me. You know, and I mean,
like the energy of life. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I am surprised I play with this sometimes. So
(15:00):
everybody knows that situation where you're walking into a party or a room or a conference,
and your thoughts are saying things like, nobody's going to like me here. I'm the
stupidest one in the room. Like, I look ugly. I look fat in this dress, like whatever the narrative
is. And just as an experiment, flip it completely. And I know it feels like lying to yourself,
(15:20):
but be like, everybody here loves me. I'm going to be the most popular person in this room.
I'm the best dressed person here. Because like we said, neither of them are true.
Neither one of those extremes. So you might as well tell yourself the extreme, like if you're
going to lie to yourself anyways, lie to yourself over here, because at least it fucking feels good.
(15:42):
Right. It doesn't matter if it's true, right? What you tell yourself is going to impact how
you show up and how you feel, period. Dude, I love that. If you're going to lie to yourself
anyways, like just might as well make it a good one. Right. You know, because you're not the
biggest piece of shit either that your brain is also telling you that lie, right? Right. Lie to
(16:06):
yourself the other direction. That's freaking awesome. Dude, you know what I was thinking of too
when thinking about like talking about this today was so back during my church days, especially
like growing up when I was a teenager, everybody wanted to be a preacher. Like all the guys wanted
(16:27):
to be a preacher. And of course, since girls can't, they wanted to be pastors wives or missionary
wives or whatever. And, but then I would hear all the preachers come in saying how important it is
to have the people in the seats, you know, the people at the power plants, the machinists,
(16:50):
and they talk about how important that is. But then the rest of the time it's just all about how
called and blessed and amazing and righteous that the preacher is. So they almost build like this
romantic version of this occupation. And of course, everybody wants to get into it.
(17:12):
Yeah. And then when you're like told like, Nope, it's not for you.
Like, why do I have to be less than? Yeah. You know, so what it reminded me of was
like, we're in a good place. Like, because we get to do this, you know, especially me. I get how
(17:33):
blessed things. I have my retirement, which brings in money, which allows me to do this. And then
Sandy just pushing me forward with us, you know, like we could tighten our belts. We won't have
to do it much, you know, but we could tighten our belts for a little bit until, until things start
rolling. So it's hard for me then to tell somebody that's working the nine to five or, or not, not
(17:57):
only the nine to five, but then all the overtime to pay the bills, you know, break out of the
matrix and stuff like, well, you can't survive. Yeah. I have two thoughts on that.
First, I agree with you and I feel incredibly privileged. The life I live is amazing.
(18:23):
But one thing I've been trying to take more ownership of in my life is the hard work I did
to get here. And so while I hear what you're saying, if anybody knows my story, right, I grew up on
food stamps. I grew up living in and out of my car with my mom and my sister, right, huge poverty.
(18:44):
I struggled through trying to change my mind. And as I changed my mind and grew and grew and grew,
I stopped choosing abusive men. I stopped choosing dead-end jobs. I stopped. So yes, it's a privilege
to do this work. And the amount of time I can dedicate to this work is more now. I have been
(19:09):
doing this work since I was a teenager. Like that is what gets you out of your circumstances,
is learning how to change your mind and whatever capacity you have, five minutes a week, right?
Maybe then it's 10 minutes a week. Yeah. But you don't change your life without changing who you are
on the inside. You just, I don't think you can. And so I think that there is, you know, I think that
(19:39):
what we talk about is available and valuable for everyone. Yeah. Yeah, I completely agree with that.
And I think what I struggle with is, and kind of like talking about being in the flow or the
structure, when someone's in that sort of box of existence where they have all of that structure
(20:09):
controlling them, like to the point where our identities are formed by what we do.
Yes. Yes. Like just that whole idea of like when we meet somebody new, that's one of the first
questions you ask them, like, well, what do you do? And then based off of that, we judge them,
you know, if they're a banker in an office, you know, like, or something like we're going to see
(20:30):
them as more of a trustworthy person. And so how do they start detaching their identity
from all of that structure where they can enjoy sort of like their own life. But like,
that's a smaller part where not like it's opposite right now, like that structure is the majority
(20:55):
of their life. And then a little small part, which is made above all these routine things,
because you're living around this, this timetable. Yeah. I think I can say this.
When I look back on the things I did to grow as a human, I think the number one thing was
(21:16):
loving myself more, like more actively, giving myself what I need, understanding myself, talking
kindly to myself, or even, you know, making time saying, I'm not going to take my kid and sign
him up for the sport because I need afternoons at home by myself. Well, right. Making choices
(21:40):
that honor your needs. Because the more that of you that you can gather to you,
the bigger the foundation you're building for going forward.
Yeah. Yeah, kind of like where if you're if you're giving everything, I mean, just to your kids,
(22:00):
which is so easy to do. And it's prison or culture, right? You're the perfect mom if you leave nothing
for yourself. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then then you're depleted and then you can't be there 100%
for them while you're with them, you know, but then taking that time for yourself sounds selfish,
(22:20):
but it does allow you to show up 100%. Yes. And that will change your life in ways you can't
imagine because in the moment you'll respond to things differently. You'll start thinking differently
when you're coming from a well cared for place and you don't even understand what that's going to
be like right now, but it's going to help you get where you want to go. That's what I think like
(22:44):
it's like when you're in that spot. You just have to trust that taking care of yourself is the answer.
So that whole so it's not about necessarily breaking out of that structure, but it's about
turning inward while you're in it because that while you're in it, that's going to be where
(23:06):
things begin to change. Like you change with how you're seeing yourself, how you feel about yourself,
which is going to affect how you feel about what you're doing, you know. And I think it's
completely possible to to be like working at nine to five or whatever and still enjoy everything,
every aspect of your life because you are the identity instead of the occupation.
(23:30):
Yeah. Absolutely. So let's talk a little bit more about flow and structure because I would like a
little bit of something to move forward since I'm struggling with it. I want to dig into it more.
I know in the beginning you're like, I think you just need to go back and forth. I'm like,
I've been trying that. That's not working. So yeah, I just want to do like when are you offering
(24:00):
yourself any structure? What structures are you offering yourself? Or when you think about
for me, it's thinking about the fall because my summer is crazy. I have backpacking trips,
people staying with us. Obviously, nothing's going to happen. Never set up a new goal and
shit like that's about to happen. You're not going to succeed. So come September,
(24:22):
you know, what do I want my work days to look like? Because for me, I have recognized one thing.
With structure, I get more of what I want done even if I blow off the structure 50% of the time.
Right? I'm not shooting for 100% of the time. I have to be fierce with myself. If someone calls
(24:44):
and wants to do something, I have to say no. I want flexibility within it. But I've learned
that having it, I still hit more of my, I still work out more. I still meditate more. I still
show up and get more projects done on my business. And so I want something like that. But I'm curious
for you, do you set up that much structure like Monday through Friday is going to look like this?
(25:11):
I tried doing that. I read something on time blocking and stuff and I was like,
all right, cool. I'm going to do this. And then this is going to be the answer. I'm going to just
start being an overnight success because I finally got this organization down. And then the first day,
(25:33):
just within the first hour, the whole day was just off. So what I learned to do is I structure out
like a month. So I'll look at August coming up. I want to do three hours of my classes a week
(25:55):
to go up to the higher coaching certification levels. So that in a month is 15 hours. And I'd
like to do that Monday, knock that out and get three hours of classes done, a couple of smoke
breaks in between, a nice easy day where I'm learning, making tons of videos while I'm doing it.
(26:18):
Then I have the book project I'm working on and then everything else is just like the videos
and like maintenance stuff. Like I want to start working on merch, whatever. So I have that structure
and I think about what I want to get done for the week. So like three hours of classes and I'm
(26:43):
going to do it on Monday, but then Monday comes up and it's a perfect day for a hike and I can go
in the woods and bring my only fan set up and record some content. And I just do that for four
hours. I just go in the woods and just smoke and talk into the camera for four hours completely alone.
(27:04):
One of these days I'm hoping like there's deer running around in the background and stuff, but
and then I'll keep in mind I need to do these three hours. But now content-wise,
I'm good. All I have to do is just edit that stuff and then start throwing it up. So I can now say,
(27:29):
okay, well, Tuesday I'm going to do that three hours. And that's what I meant by like moving in
and out of structure, like moving into the flow and out of the structure. So the structure is there,
almost like thinking about it is like two different dimensions. You know what I mean?
Like when you get that intuitive pull into a place, you go into the flow of that and see
(27:49):
where that takes you. But then when you need to, you move back into this other dimension of the
structure and be like, okay, well, I put this off today. So today I'm going to knock this out.
Yeah. You know, so it's kind of listening to that voice inside that intuitive voice inside
of telling you when you need to be in it and when you need to venture from it. Yeah.
(28:16):
Yeah. I was thinking about adding some more intentional space into sort of, you know,
what I want to get done in a week or a month. And that is a creative space where, so you have
(28:37):
you heard of the book, The Artist Way I mentioned it before? One of the things it says is you wake
up every morning and you write longhand three pages and it doesn't matter what you write. I hate
doing this assignment. I can't think of anything to say or you write real things. But the practice
of showing up for yourself every single morning and dumping your brain eventually has these really
(29:00):
good results for people. And I can understand that. That makes sense to me, like building this space
for something. Oftentimes when I don't have any clients or I've lost some clients, I'll create
fake files, empty files, I'll buy them new notebooks because I take and I create the empty space for
new clients to come. And so with some of my creativity, I'm asking myself, how can I set up
(29:27):
a space where I show up every day for or not every day once a week for an hour, two hours, whatever
it is. And let myself create something. Because right now creating something and creating something
new, I'm not talking about just like, oh, I have this list of 10 videos I need to make. But just
(29:48):
writing, doing art, like showing up for myself in that way because my creativity and my artistry
is something that I want to grow. It's something I'm kind of afraid of, to be honest, and have like a
lot of weird shame stories about. So I'm asking myself how to invite more of that person to come be with me.
(30:16):
I'm so hesitant to say it because I know like when it's my turn to do it. I'm gonna be like, I screw that.
But I've been able to do it a couple of times outside of my family. My family, I can just do it.
But it's forgetting yourself and just letting what comes out comes out. Do you say like, I spend this much time in this energy in a week. Is it a goal? Or do you just go in and out of that as well?
(30:56):
Yeah, I just go in and out of that. But I think I need to make it a goal to spend a certain amount of time in that energy because it's very hard to do.
Like for me, especially somebody that doesn't want to be seen because then what that means is you are, everybody says like, I want to be a light. But like, if I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be a light. You know what I mean?
(31:24):
I don't want to shine. I don't want to glow. I don't want to just be. I have a video on my phone. My brother was at a family function. He was like making a little take home tray or some dessert that somebody made.
And his wife had scooped. It was a Tupperware thing with two divisions in it. And she scooped the first one, put the lid on.
(31:48):
So my brother's like, what the heck? And my mom, she's like, oh, that's not enough. And I call him Baby Jason because I joke around that he's my parents' favorite.
So I'm like, oh, yeah, it's not enough for Baby Jason. And then for like five minutes, he's, or maybe it was a couple minutes, he's just slapping more of this.
(32:09):
I don't know. It was like some type of cream and strawberry thing or whatever. Just slapping it into the Tupperware. And I'm just over his shoulder going, oh, Baby Jason, oh, yeah, it's so good.
Like just, I'm completely lose thought. You know what I mean? It's like when people meditate, they're like, I just went blank. That's what happens. And I'm just saying things.
(32:34):
And people are crying. They're laughing so hard. You know, and I can do it easy with family because I feel comfortable, but I wanted to.
That's what I was going to say is like that to me sounds like a byproduct of feeling really safe in yourself and in your space. And it's beautiful.
(32:57):
I never felt more confident than in those moments. You know, and I remember when doing this work, I was like, I need to start challenging my comfort zone.
So my wife showed me this thing. It was like a coupon for three, three improv lessons. So I'm like, all right, she was like, dared me to do it.
(33:23):
So I'm like, oh, I got it. It was a double dog dare. So you have to do it. And so I went and I had fun. So I signed up for like their little introductory class.
And there was like one time that I got into it. And I don't know, something with a robot is going to sound stupid, like to tell you about.
But and the robot is supposed to be broken and stuff. And everybody's looking at this part. And then I just start hauling ass around the room like I'm an out of control robot and just being like, what the fuck plays out, you know, and like everything stopped.
(33:57):
And I just I felt completely in control. I felt powerful. Yeah.
You know, I have to flow at its greatest, right?
Let's do it. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. Because all the all the judgment that I put on myself, all the characters that I'm trying to play are gone and I'm just being.
(34:18):
Yeah. Would you say that you felt safe in your family for most of your life? Like did you grow up feeling wanted and cared for and like people hide your back?
Um, I would say yes and no, you know, like I got lucky with my family, you know, whatever, whatever we needed.
(34:46):
Like my parents would figure out, you know, my dad, when I was born was working three jobs.
Then he got a job at a power plant as a janitor scrubbing toilets. And when he retired, he was running the operations center by himself.
For the entire, you know, keeping all of Connecticut with power.
(35:06):
Um, so he worked his ass off for his entire life.
Me and my brother used to fight, but it was like the 80s. So it was different.
You know, like I went after my brother once with a knife because I had like on nuts and like cops weren't called.
I didn't get arrested or anything. It was just like, you know, my dad took care of it.
(35:30):
And, uh, and that was the last time I went after with a knife, you know, but, um,
and then there's all, you know, our families have their own issues.
Yeah.
So you can start to see what those are, to see where things were lacking or whatever.
So, and then just the whole thing with church, like I never felt comfortable. I never felt like I belonged.
(35:56):
I never felt safe. Um, there wasn't one day in church that I was not afraid of dying and going to hell.
And, and like, why don't I feel saved? You know, all this, like, like we, we, we always were taught like,
once saved, always saved. That was the type of Baptist we are, are a word. And, and I would get saved like
(36:20):
thousands of times a year because I'd be like, oh, oh, that's my problem.
That's why I'm feeling this way because I'm not really saved. So now I'm going to get saved.
And I would say the same prayer. And, and then like three weeks later, I'm like, okay, I'm not saved anymore.
Like what the hell is going on? I would even question, like, is it impossible for me to get saved?
But I know that that's against the Bible, except the, like the anti-Christ, he,
(36:43):
he's not going to get saved. So I'm like, maybe I'm the anti-Christ.
Yeah.
So in that way, I had a very scary internal world that when I was a teenager, man, I was freaking
depressed. It was horrible. I even had one, my brother.
(37:04):
Was it because you were wrestling inside with the, the truths of this or like it wasn't resonating with
your soul and so you could feel all that inner conflict and it caused a lot of depression?
Yeah, I was, yeah, it was, I didn't, I didn't feel real in anything, you know, like when I
did the church things, I felt fake. I felt absolutely fake.
(37:27):
Right. So you, you couldn't find yourself. You didn't know where you were because everything was kind of,
all your roles weren't really authentic.
Right. Oh yeah. 100%. Yeah. And then that just turned to, to, to just pure anger in my life.
And I would do just stupid things.
(37:50):
Not, not necessarily for people to see me as like the crazy dude, but just because of the rush I got
from it, you know, like surfing on top of a car going down like 40 miles an hour down the street.
And, and like when they were slowing down, like maybe 20, but jumping off into the grass on the side of the road.
(38:11):
Holding onto my buddy's car on my 10 speed and he's going 50, you know, and the bike is shaking and stuff.
And I started getting that reputation, you know, of like,
Right. Sort of a hell yeah. And thrill seeker.
Yeah, but I wasn't, I wasn't, it was just doing it because I felt like I almost had to feel more to feel anything.
(38:34):
Yeah. Because I felt so empty.
Yeah. That's fascinating.
Yeah. It's interesting when I talk to people who come from big families and I just want to sort of represent the other side.
I grew up with my mom and my sister primarily. My mom was not reliable or trustworthy.
So I grew up with one person I felt that level of safety with.
(39:00):
And then not until my current husband.
Right. Do I feel that safety?
But when I look at people who have families and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and they're all close and connected.
I always think you don't understand the ways in which that's impacting you.
Because I think people like me or people who are orphans or people who go through abandonment.
(39:23):
Like the experience of the world thinking you have one person or zero people or two is a lot different than the experience of the world of thinking.
I've got 15 people that have my back.
So I just want to like mention how much gratitude people with family should have for family because coming from a side where your family is really broken.
Makes sense.
(39:45):
Makes it hard to live life. It makes it hard to feel safe in the world.
Yeah. And things that I took for granted.
You know, or I'll look at the negative side.
So growing up it was me, my brother, my cousin, Steve, my cousin, and my cousin.
And she was the oldest of everybody.
(40:05):
So she used to like play with us for a while, but then you know kind of started going her own way.
And but my cousin Steve, my brother and me were always together.
And I was always, I was a dude that was going to get picked on.
So but we used to play like Spider-Man in the volcano where we would fall down the stairs at my cousin's house and then we would have to rescue each other.
(40:34):
And we would just take turns being in the hanging on in the volcano.
Then as we got older, my brother, my cousin created a game called Vulcan Wars, which I don't know where the name came from.
But apparently the rules of the game are put on these karate pads that are just like foam that barely like it's like that thick does anything and just beat the crap out of Keith.
(40:57):
Like that's apparently the whole game that we're playing.
And even my brother, my brother once he's evil, man.
Like psychopath evil.
So he he would come out Saturday morning.
I'm watching three stooges and I get in the zone when the stooges around like I can't be disturbed.
(41:23):
So he comes in the living room and he's like here, grab this knife.
It was just a butter knife and I'm like, no, you're going to you're going to try to cut me or something.
He's like, I'm not going to do anything.
So I grab the knife and he walks away.
Two minutes later comes back and grab the knife.
So I grab the knife, he walks away.
Does that like five times?
(41:45):
Right.
Guess to the point like where he comes in, I'm just I'm not even listening to the question.
He just comes in, holds a knife out.
I grab it.
He walks away.
What I didn't know about the game was that he was just like, I'm not even listening to the question.
I didn't know is like on the sixth time we had a gas stove and so we lit the burner, put the knife in there till it got red hot and was like, OK, he thought to himself.
(42:07):
I can't tell him to touch it because he'll see how it's red.
So he puts it under the water for like a second just to just to like dull the color comes out, holds out the knife and I touch it.
And I just start screaming and I pull my hand and like my my thumb and my finger skin is like connected to the knife.
(42:28):
Oh, he got my dad.
I thought I was going to kill him.
But today we look at that and we crack up and we're close and and even my cousin, Steven, he lives down in North Carolina.
But when when he's up, we hang out, we talk, you know, I mean, not as close as we once were just because life has brought us far apart.
(42:57):
But yeah, we're all close and we all still love each other and and all that it is.
You've known each other for so long.
Like I think that's the beauty of it is you have people in your life who know your story.
Yeah.
When you were eight and then you were in your 18 and then like that is a real beautiful relationship.
(43:18):
Yeah. Yeah. Even to this day, whenever I see them, they start yelling at me about, oh, my scar, my scar, right?
So when I was like 12, I had my appendix taken out.
And for like a long time after like that hurt, I mean, they caught through the muscle, you know, all that stuff.
(43:41):
And and so like, like two months later, we're like messing around or they're just beating on me or whatever.
And and I would say like, oh, my scar, my scar, because it's hurting that and they just thought I was the biggest baby.
And they're so and they've turned this story into like 10 years later.
Right.
Cross-eyed. I'm like, oh, my scar, my scar.
(44:02):
So it's like a big family joke now.
Yeah. So yeah, they know all that stuff.
We all know all that stuff about, you know, all embarrassing things that we will never let each other live down.
Yeah. Yeah, I've mentioned it before, but I don't think I've gone into depth about it.
That level of family is one of my goals for my next 10, 20 years, right?
(44:27):
Like my dad moved here, my sister moved here, I'm forming relationships, trying to get the rest of the people connected who are, you know, the good people in the various families that have been there throughout the years and just.
Because I think everybody needs that and everybody needs more like love and connection and I think it would be a service to my family.
(44:53):
But I also am really scared of being rejected or annoying or whatever word or judgment I have of myself for going to people like, come on, share a family calendar.
We want to know what's going on with you.
Like, oh, no, let's all do a family zoom and like being the one to encourage that.
I would love to take that role and I'm also really scared to take that role in my family.
(45:16):
Yeah, I can I can definitely see that.
That's because it's like what we were talking about before, like that balance between.
What is overstepping not wanting to and then you have you don't know somebody else is going to take it.
You know, all that all that sort of stuff.
(45:41):
Yeah, that just comes down to like just trusting.
Yeah, but if it's my vision for my life and my family, I have the right to advocate for my desires and push that into the world.
And if other people don't like it or it's uncomfortable.
That's their story, right?
But yeah, it's something that I'm sure you'll hear more about.
(46:05):
As the show goes on and because it is part of my journey that I'd like to move forward in and I'm scared about.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Because that I mean, in something like that, if somebody doesn't want to be at that level, there's going to be a feeling of rejection.
There's going to be grief to go through.
(46:28):
Yeah, like all of that stuff.
And that that comes down to like those base fears that we have that were were not enough and won't be loved.
Yeah.
I think for me, it will take that bigger, bigger place of scene where somebody says like, I'm too busy for this.
(46:51):
I don't want this level of connection.
It's like, oh, OK, that's fine.
I see your life story and it's OK.
And if some people say, yes, it's my job to take the actions that my heart wants me to take.
Yeah.
And I think that's that's such a great example, too, of being structured and in that flow.
(47:16):
You know, so having the structure of following your heart, what the vision of the life that you want, but also being in the flow of accepting.
No matter how hard it will be, what somebody else's beliefs or wishes are for themselves.
Yeah.
Yeah, accepting that ultimately I have no control over what the end picture looks like.
(47:43):
But that that can't change my level of enthusiasm for seeking out an experience I want.
Yeah.
And even with that same level of enthusiasm doesn't mean that there'll be days that you don't feel the the pain or the anxiety of what's coming or if somebody doesn't want to be a part of it.
(48:05):
You know, it's accepting that that's going to be a part of it.
And that's one of the things I'm really starting to see is that.
We have been taught that the negative side of our emotional spectrum.
Is wrong.
Yes.
And it's not, you know, it's not something to be afraid of.
(48:29):
And it doesn't mean that it's good to go through.
It doesn't mean it feels good.
It's supposed to feel bad.
You know, but we're going to choose what world we live in.
You know, are we going to live on the positive side?
And that doesn't mean like the rainbows and unicorns everywhere.
Like, oh, it's just in a car accident or, you know, Sandy's now a paraplegic and be like, well,
(48:52):
looking on the bright side, you know, she won't be as active, you know, like whatever.
It's it's just dealing with it and feeling what you're going to feel.
Yes.
But moving through that.
Yeah.
And I feel like when your heart gives you a desire, like, you know, everybody's probably got a handful of them, like those really deep ones that you don't even want to tell anybody because it's like so precious to you.
(49:18):
Like you want to be.
When when your heart gives you that desire, the path to that desire is, I don't know, 50% challenges, 50% love, like increase joy.
And like you need to be carved out into the person that is creating that and calling that into your life.
So like with this one, I think all the grief about people who don't want to participate or maybe a past truth I have to face about my relationship with someone.
(49:47):
All the negative feelings are going to be the ones carving me out so that I can accept more of this love and more of the connection and more of everything I want.
Like they're working together for me.
Right. And I think that's how we have to see sort of personal growth is it's challenging like the challenges are part of it.
(50:09):
So if you're on the journey, you have to start to like the challenges and have some relationship with them, right?
And not let them stop you realize how they are.
Yeah, that's that's an understanding I think we have to get to is what what the because everybody says do the work.
(50:30):
You know, and it's like become cliche.
Okay, but what the hell is the word?
Totally.
Every time I hear that, I think that like that's not.
People don't know what the work is.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know I know a person that like he always says like take action steps.
Right.
So whatever you whatever you say like I want to go to school.
(50:52):
That's great.
Now take some action like what what the hell are action steps?
Oh, what steps like but with for me like I'm starting to see like that work is not number one.
Awareness is is I think that the biggest thing to celebrate because when you become aware what that first time that you see that habit that pattern, whether it's you know, behavior or whatever it is that a belief system that that is not good for you.
(51:24):
Becoming aware of it is the greatest thing because now you can start doing the work.
You know, and and it's just I think challenging those thoughts like when the thoughts come up and there's sometimes thoughts come into my brain that are so overwhelming.
I can't shut them off.
Yep.
(51:44):
Those truths of thoughts, but most of them nine times out of 10.
It's just focusing on something else not fighting against those thoughts focusing on something else.
You know, like when I worked on my anger, I didn't go out and practice being, you know, peaceful.
(52:04):
Well, I mean, yeah, but I had to get pissed.
Right.
You know, so I was challenging myself in that anger instead of working on being like at peace or calm when I'm already calm.
It's really easy to do that.
Yes.
No, and that's that's the work it's those microscopic steps that we take building new pathways in our brain so that a different behavior begin to emerge and welcoming the discomfort or challenge that is part of that process.
(52:40):
Right.
Like you said, I had to be in an angry situation.
It had to be carving you out for the peace to arise.
They work together.
And so I think that's where it comes in is being more interested in knowing who you are and like your growth.
(53:01):
And that curiosity can drive you.
Yeah.
And it's not going to be this like uphill line of growth and progress.
It is going to be up a couple of steps, a major crash, even lower back up a little bit, a major crash, you know, and then it just do the waves get smaller and smaller until you start to, you know, barely they're still all going to be there.
(53:30):
But it's like that, that very easy, slow, very calm ocean movement, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's the work is almost like.
Invisible, you know what I mean?
Yes.
Yeah.
And I think there's like a bigger mystery of it because the woman I am today.
(53:55):
I never could have even imagined this person.
I didn't send.
And I'm so surprised as I allow myself to be myself and then witness myself to get to know myself.
All right.
Who I'm becoming and I think the woman I'm going to be in 10 years.
(54:16):
I can't even imagine her.
Right.
I just do keep doing this work in the moment and something so incredible is going to bloom.
And that to me always makes me feel a little bit more like safety about the process and the work in the future is.
I don't know, but man, it sure has gotten better and better and better the more that I've done this work and known who I am and loved myself and the more connected I live.
(54:47):
Yeah.
It's a thing, man.
Like.
And I'm not saying life can't get hard, but.
We don't need a safety net.
Yeah.
You know, like even even like when I was talking about like standing over a void where you don't see what you're standing on and you you know.
(55:08):
The void is an illusion.
Yeah.
Oh, like whatever you want to call it God consciousness, the universe, like whatever it is like.
Something out there's got us.
You know, and it doesn't because we're part of something so much bigger.
And it doesn't like I said, it doesn't mean that bad things aren't going to happen in life, but it just means that everything's going to be okay.
(55:35):
Yeah.
I think that's such a beautiful place to end.
Everything's going to be okay.
That was perfect.
It's like just been an hour.
I love it.
Yeah, I loved that discussion.
(55:56):
Thank you.
That was good.
Yeah, that was cool.
Yeah.
Thank you everybody for joining us.
We will see you next week.
Thank you so much for joining us.
We are so grateful for all of our listeners.
Please support us in doing what we love.
(56:16):
It's as simple as hitting that like or subscribe button.
It would really mean a lot to us.
Thanks guys.
And we'll see you next week.
What is my next challenge in daring to be human?
(00:07):
How do I connect with life?
How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?
How do I live free from the experiences that shaped me?
How can we be the change the world needs right now?
Join us weekly for story conversations about life.
It is our mission to allow life itself to reveal to us the answers.
(00:35):
Welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Hello everybody, welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Today we're going to talk about being in the flow and also being structured
in the flow of life.
(00:58):
I want to remind everybody that in this show we do not have the answers.
I came here today and we talked about topic yesterday.
It has been rolling around in my mind and I don't know the answer.
It is something I am struggling with.
I smoke weed and meditated before the show.
I don't feel like I know anything.
(01:21):
I don't know if I know anything.
I don't know if the explanation is coming up.
Yeah.
Wisdom comes up when you don't know the answer.
I was doing the same thing.
I was sitting on my back step smoking and thinking about that.
It hit me.
(01:42):
Here's another paradox.
I think it's a lot of people who are struggling at the same time.
We need to live in that flow of things, live intuitively,
but we also need structure.
I don't think there is an answer to it.
I think it's kind of flowing in and out of it as you have to.
(02:04):
Yeah.
I think it also might be more difficult when you come to a place in
your life where you don't have to work hard.
You have to be in all your own structure.
Because a lot of my life, my roles dictated my structure.
I had jobs where I had to show up the hours.
(02:25):
They told me to.
I had a kid.
He needed to get to school at a certain time.
I needed to do this.
Right.
And I'm finally at this time in my life where I'm building my own
business.
I'm building my own brand.
I'm doing it all myself.
I'm building my own business.
I'm building my own business.
(02:46):
I can do whatever I want.
And while that freedom is beautiful.
It invites this challenge for me.
Of.
Building that structure to succeed and reach my goals.
That is such an amazing point.
And it perfectly highlights everything that I've been feeling
since starting this whole thing.
(03:07):
Right.
And I'm really excited as a person.
I'm excited that I was able to get into my own structure.
I'm so excited that I was able to get into my own structure.
Which was different.
And as you were saying that,
like the thought that popped into my head was.
I've never had this much freedom.
To impose my own structure.
You know, so we're born, you know, with the whole philosophy.
(03:30):
Tabula, Ross a blank slate.
But we're immediately, well, even before we're born, we're being.
We're experiencing things, you know, inside the womb.
learning and experiencing stuff from our parents.
So this is the first time where without anything,
I have the cognitive ability to question who I am,
(03:50):
which I couldn't when I was born,
but I can make it myself.
And it's like standing over a void,
you're not falling,
but there's nothing that you see holding yourself there.
And it's just this feeling of pure terror.
Yeah.
And I also have this thing going on where it's like I feel
(04:13):
like I need permission.
Like, oh, I want to work at 10 PM.
Well, that's not normal or oh, you want to take this break
or do I think things out of the box that would be unique fit
for me.
And then there's this sense of like, I'm not allowed to do that.
And it's so interesting to me as I've seen that come up over
and over again.
(04:33):
Like, what is that voice that's telling me I'm not allowed
to do something when I'm literally allowed to do it?
Like, where's that coming from?
It's interesting to me.
Yeah.
I am so sick of that feeling of having to fit in,
you know, not wanting to stand out in any way.
(04:55):
And I think it's natural.
And I think that's one of the things PTSD does bring to people
is like that need to an unhealthy way.
Yes.
You know, I mean, even like most of my clothes are black.
And that's because I don't want any color because color will
attract attention.
(05:17):
Yeah.
You know, like the dome light on my car is off.
So at night when I open the door, it does the light doesn't attract
attention.
And it's I'm so tired of that.
And that's energy spent, right?
Of you being aware of your environment and doing certain
things.
And the more that we do that, the less energy we have for real
(05:39):
creative stuff or our brilliance, right?
The more that I worry about what people think of me,
the less energy I have for something else.
I almost wonder too, like, do you think that the energy that's
spent in the creative process,
(06:00):
we can get more output for the energy we put into it.
Whereas the energy that is spent because like trying to fit in,
not wanting to stand out, that's all survival.
Yeah.
And so we're in that fight or flight response.
And is it, are we expending more energy to keep ourselves safe in
(06:21):
an environment where we don't have to, you know,
the threat is psychological and not real?
Yes.
I think that is very true.
And I honestly can't even imagine if I felt safe in my,
my environment all the time.
And I mean, like safe, being able to show up, right?
Be judged, not care, let people live their own story.
(06:45):
I imagine I'd have a lot more energy because a lot of my energy
goes to that.
And I think that's a very important thing.
And I think that even if I am consciously trying to choose
something else or not listening to those thoughts,
keeping up a wall against those thoughts or like even having them
there is a drain.
Yeah.
(07:08):
Yeah.
Haven't, haven't just to defend yourself against those thoughts.
Yeah.
Interesting. Yeah.
Yeah.
I mean, I'm not going to tell my husband like,
I'm not able to defend against those thoughts right now.
Like if something happens, I'm going to be spiky.
We're going to fight easily.
(07:29):
I'm struggling because when you can't defend yourself from those
thoughts, that's when you get in big fights.
That's when you spiral down.
But it just happens sometimes.
And you know, that, that, that is the worst part of like all that
anxiety to be in where you feel like you can't escape from it.
(07:53):
You know, they, they did studies after 9 11 with kids that were in
school around those, the buildings.
And when, when the planes hit, the teachers like got them all
together and then began to like run them down the street.
And they found less instances of PTSD in these kids.
(08:16):
Because there's, they were active in their own, in, in protecting
themselves.
Interesting.
And then when we're in those situations where like during the
Holocaust, Victor Franco writes about the worst, the worst mental
sort of trauma that, that they faced was not having an end to, to
(08:39):
their imprisonment.
So it was just open ended thing.
And so there's, there's a hopelessness that seeps in that
you're, you're then trying to fight as, as well as the situation
that you're in.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's interesting how our whole life is in this physical
world, but also in this mental world of stories that we're telling
(09:03):
ourselves as we traverse this landscape of humanity, you're right
of being.
Yeah.
It's.
I'm becoming like addicted to the idea of stories.
Cause I think that that's, I mean, we're, we're the narrators in
our own story, you know, like, uh, was that movie, um, stand by me,
you know, like, were they narrator, like the wonder years, were they
(09:26):
narrating the story in their, like that, I mean, that's basically
what we're doing.
Yeah.
We're living a character and we're narrating our own story, which
means we can make it up.
But first we have to kind of learn how to block out the white
noise, which is the societal ideas and the parental ideas and the
teachers and the religion and all that stuff and, and choose a
(09:49):
story that we want to tell.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So you have to have awareness that you have that control, right?
Cause a lot of us go, our lives are much of our lives thinking that
our stories and our thoughts are just who we are.
Yeah.
That separation and be able to see the pieces.
That's where I really, I think, I think that's where the juiciness
(10:12):
starts.
Yeah.
That, that was one of the, one of the things that I learned that
had a huge, um, pivotal moment for me was, was that worthy
observer of our thoughts.
So then therefore we're not our thoughts.
We're something else.
And then just starting to learn how to connect with that higher
(10:34):
level, um, consciousness.
Like that was so pivotal for me.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Me too.
Yeah.
That.
Like being able to watch myself be anxious versus being anxious.
Right.
To be like, okay, here I am.
(10:56):
I'm going into my patterns of high anxiety.
If I don't take care of myself, I'm going to like break down crying.
But I'm watching myself and I'm not lost in it.
And so I can take care of myself.
Because I'm like, okay, Mindy, here we go.
We need to go do this now. Right. Oh, someone said something and you
feel defensive.
Okay.
(11:17):
We're going to take a deep breath, Mindy. Right.
And then I'm like, yeah, it's like I'm coaching my own self on how
to live.
Yeah.
I think that I have this consciousness.
Yeah. And that's, that's the key.
You know, that's, that's what allows us to live.
Responding to what is going on instead of reacting to what's
(11:38):
going on.
Yeah.
Like for the things that are truly dangerous, like that, that
reactive brain is, it's going to do what it does.
It's going to take over and it's going to react, you know, but being
able to stay and recognize that somebody just pissing you off for
whatever reason is not actually a threat.
(11:59):
You know, like, I, in fact, a couple minutes before we jumped on,
I was looking at my YouTube stuff because I got a new comment.
And I was like, oh, I wonder what they said and stuff.
And I looked and it was this thing where I was just talking about,
I love ancient artifacts.
Like there's just some type of energy that I, I almost like can
feel, you know, being close to them and everything, like thinking
(12:23):
that somebody 3000 years ago touched something.
It was lost to time.
And then I'm digging it out of the earth.
You know, that is, oh my God, incredible.
And so I was talking about that and this dude responding goes,
stop yapping.
So at first, like, I was like, I'm going to be like,
(12:44):
I'm going to get my hair cut first.
Like, I get like pissed.
You know, and then I just started laughing.
I'm like, it's kind of funny. Stop yapping.
I haven't heard that in a while.
You know, and he this dude's coming in no way is a threat to me
unless I, unless I allow it in like a free vampire,
you got to invite him in, man.
(13:05):
Right. If I invite those, those things in.
And really he told you something about him.
not into storytelling or he's uncomfortable with somebody sharing their passion or right like
he showed you something about him that has nothing to do with you based on his judgment.
It's not even about you really. Yeah, yeah, you know, like, because then in my thoughts,
(13:30):
and I'm just making all these assumptions about him, you know, this is somebody that is not connected
to wonder in life, you know, to action, you know, and that makes just makes me sad for him,
you know, when it comes down to it. Yeah, and maybe it's true or maybe it's not true, but
(13:51):
that story in your head makes you a more compassionate person, and it makes you feel
safe in your own space and body. So that's a wise belief system to have.
Yeah. And dude, that that is that's just like the locking key for everything. It doesn't matter
(14:13):
if the story is true or not. What matters is what the story does for me, because if the story makes
me go into not being angry, not not losing and just wasting my energy and all these negative
emotions, but it pushes me into a more positive place that is bringing more energy into me,
(14:36):
like just bringing life into me. That is the purpose of the story, not not to be true or false.
Right. But to either bring life into me or deplete life from me. You know, and I mean,
like the energy of life. Yes, absolutely. Yeah. I am surprised I play with this sometimes. So
(15:00):
everybody knows that situation where you're walking into a party or a room or a conference,
and your thoughts are saying things like, nobody's going to like me here. I'm the
stupidest one in the room. Like, I look ugly. I look fat in this dress, like whatever the narrative
is. And just as an experiment, flip it completely. And I know it feels like lying to yourself,
(15:20):
but be like, everybody here loves me. I'm going to be the most popular person in this room.
I'm the best dressed person here. Because like we said, neither of them are true.
Neither one of those extremes. So you might as well tell yourself the extreme, like if you're
going to lie to yourself anyways, lie to yourself over here, because at least it fucking feels good.
(15:42):
Right. It doesn't matter if it's true, right? What you tell yourself is going to impact how
you show up and how you feel, period. Dude, I love that. If you're going to lie to yourself
anyways, like just might as well make it a good one. Right. You know, because you're not the
biggest piece of shit either that your brain is also telling you that lie, right? Right. Lie to
(16:06):
yourself the other direction. That's freaking awesome. Dude, you know what I was thinking of too
when thinking about like talking about this today was so back during my church days, especially
like growing up when I was a teenager, everybody wanted to be a preacher. Like all the guys wanted
(16:27):
to be a preacher. And of course, since girls can't, they wanted to be pastors wives or missionary
wives or whatever. And, but then I would hear all the preachers come in saying how important it is
to have the people in the seats, you know, the people at the power plants, the machinists,
(16:50):
and they talk about how important that is. But then the rest of the time it's just all about how
called and blessed and amazing and righteous that the preacher is. So they almost build like this
romantic version of this occupation. And of course, everybody wants to get into it.
(17:12):
Yeah. And then when you're like told like, Nope, it's not for you.
Like, why do I have to be less than? Yeah. You know, so what it reminded me of was
like, we're in a good place. Like, because we get to do this, you know, especially me. I get how
(17:33):
blessed things. I have my retirement, which brings in money, which allows me to do this. And then
Sandy just pushing me forward with us, you know, like we could tighten our belts. We won't have
to do it much, you know, but we could tighten our belts for a little bit until, until things start
rolling. So it's hard for me then to tell somebody that's working the nine to five or, or not, not
(17:57):
only the nine to five, but then all the overtime to pay the bills, you know, break out of the
matrix and stuff like, well, you can't survive. Yeah. I have two thoughts on that.
First, I agree with you and I feel incredibly privileged. The life I live is amazing.
(18:23):
But one thing I've been trying to take more ownership of in my life is the hard work I did
to get here. And so while I hear what you're saying, if anybody knows my story, right, I grew up on
food stamps. I grew up living in and out of my car with my mom and my sister, right, huge poverty.
(18:44):
I struggled through trying to change my mind. And as I changed my mind and grew and grew and grew,
I stopped choosing abusive men. I stopped choosing dead-end jobs. I stopped. So yes, it's a privilege
to do this work. And the amount of time I can dedicate to this work is more now. I have been
(19:09):
doing this work since I was a teenager. Like that is what gets you out of your circumstances,
is learning how to change your mind and whatever capacity you have, five minutes a week, right?
Maybe then it's 10 minutes a week. Yeah. But you don't change your life without changing who you are
on the inside. You just, I don't think you can. And so I think that there is, you know, I think that
(19:39):
what we talk about is available and valuable for everyone. Yeah. Yeah, I completely agree with that.
And I think what I struggle with is, and kind of like talking about being in the flow or the
structure, when someone's in that sort of box of existence where they have all of that structure
(20:09):
controlling them, like to the point where our identities are formed by what we do.
Yes. Yes. Like just that whole idea of like when we meet somebody new, that's one of the first
questions you ask them, like, well, what do you do? And then based off of that, we judge them,
you know, if they're a banker in an office, you know, like, or something like we're going to see
(20:30):
them as more of a trustworthy person. And so how do they start detaching their identity
from all of that structure where they can enjoy sort of like their own life. But like,
that's a smaller part where not like it's opposite right now, like that structure is the majority
(20:55):
of their life. And then a little small part, which is made above all these routine things,
because you're living around this, this timetable. Yeah. I think I can say this.
When I look back on the things I did to grow as a human, I think the number one thing was
(21:16):
loving myself more, like more actively, giving myself what I need, understanding myself, talking
kindly to myself, or even, you know, making time saying, I'm not going to take my kid and sign
him up for the sport because I need afternoons at home by myself. Well, right. Making choices
(21:40):
that honor your needs. Because the more that of you that you can gather to you,
the bigger the foundation you're building for going forward.
Yeah. Yeah, kind of like where if you're if you're giving everything, I mean, just to your kids,
(22:00):
which is so easy to do. And it's prison or culture, right? You're the perfect mom if you leave nothing
for yourself. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And then then you're depleted and then you can't be there 100%
for them while you're with them, you know, but then taking that time for yourself sounds selfish,
(22:20):
but it does allow you to show up 100%. Yes. And that will change your life in ways you can't
imagine because in the moment you'll respond to things differently. You'll start thinking differently
when you're coming from a well cared for place and you don't even understand what that's going to
be like right now, but it's going to help you get where you want to go. That's what I think like
(22:44):
it's like when you're in that spot. You just have to trust that taking care of yourself is the answer.
So that whole so it's not about necessarily breaking out of that structure, but it's about
turning inward while you're in it because that while you're in it, that's going to be where
(23:06):
things begin to change. Like you change with how you're seeing yourself, how you feel about yourself,
which is going to affect how you feel about what you're doing, you know. And I think it's
completely possible to to be like working at nine to five or whatever and still enjoy everything,
every aspect of your life because you are the identity instead of the occupation.
(23:30):
Yeah. Absolutely. So let's talk a little bit more about flow and structure because I would like a
little bit of something to move forward since I'm struggling with it. I want to dig into it more.
I know in the beginning you're like, I think you just need to go back and forth. I'm like,
I've been trying that. That's not working. So yeah, I just want to do like when are you offering
(24:00):
yourself any structure? What structures are you offering yourself? Or when you think about
for me, it's thinking about the fall because my summer is crazy. I have backpacking trips,
people staying with us. Obviously, nothing's going to happen. Never set up a new goal and
shit like that's about to happen. You're not going to succeed. So come September,
(24:22):
you know, what do I want my work days to look like? Because for me, I have recognized one thing.
With structure, I get more of what I want done even if I blow off the structure 50% of the time.
Right? I'm not shooting for 100% of the time. I have to be fierce with myself. If someone calls
(24:44):
and wants to do something, I have to say no. I want flexibility within it. But I've learned
that having it, I still hit more of my, I still work out more. I still meditate more. I still
show up and get more projects done on my business. And so I want something like that. But I'm curious
for you, do you set up that much structure like Monday through Friday is going to look like this?
(25:11):
I tried doing that. I read something on time blocking and stuff and I was like,
all right, cool. I'm going to do this. And then this is going to be the answer. I'm going to just
start being an overnight success because I finally got this organization down. And then the first day,
(25:33):
just within the first hour, the whole day was just off. So what I learned to do is I structure out
like a month. So I'll look at August coming up. I want to do three hours of my classes a week
(25:55):
to go up to the higher coaching certification levels. So that in a month is 15 hours. And I'd
like to do that Monday, knock that out and get three hours of classes done, a couple of smoke
breaks in between, a nice easy day where I'm learning, making tons of videos while I'm doing it.
(26:18):
Then I have the book project I'm working on and then everything else is just like the videos
and like maintenance stuff. Like I want to start working on merch, whatever. So I have that structure
and I think about what I want to get done for the week. So like three hours of classes and I'm
(26:43):
going to do it on Monday, but then Monday comes up and it's a perfect day for a hike and I can go
in the woods and bring my only fan set up and record some content. And I just do that for four
hours. I just go in the woods and just smoke and talk into the camera for four hours completely alone.
(27:04):
One of these days I'm hoping like there's deer running around in the background and stuff, but
and then I'll keep in mind I need to do these three hours. But now content-wise,
I'm good. All I have to do is just edit that stuff and then start throwing it up. So I can now say,
(27:29):
okay, well, Tuesday I'm going to do that three hours. And that's what I meant by like moving in
and out of structure, like moving into the flow and out of the structure. So the structure is there,
almost like thinking about it is like two different dimensions. You know what I mean?
Like when you get that intuitive pull into a place, you go into the flow of that and see
(27:49):
where that takes you. But then when you need to, you move back into this other dimension of the
structure and be like, okay, well, I put this off today. So today I'm going to knock this out.
Yeah. You know, so it's kind of listening to that voice inside that intuitive voice inside
of telling you when you need to be in it and when you need to venture from it. Yeah.
(28:16):
Yeah. I was thinking about adding some more intentional space into sort of, you know,
what I want to get done in a week or a month. And that is a creative space where, so you have
(28:37):
you heard of the book, The Artist Way I mentioned it before? One of the things it says is you wake
up every morning and you write longhand three pages and it doesn't matter what you write. I hate
doing this assignment. I can't think of anything to say or you write real things. But the practice
of showing up for yourself every single morning and dumping your brain eventually has these really
(29:00):
good results for people. And I can understand that. That makes sense to me, like building this space
for something. Oftentimes when I don't have any clients or I've lost some clients, I'll create
fake files, empty files, I'll buy them new notebooks because I take and I create the empty space for
new clients to come. And so with some of my creativity, I'm asking myself, how can I set up
(29:27):
a space where I show up every day for or not every day once a week for an hour, two hours, whatever
it is. And let myself create something. Because right now creating something and creating something
new, I'm not talking about just like, oh, I have this list of 10 videos I need to make. But just
(29:48):
writing, doing art, like showing up for myself in that way because my creativity and my artistry
is something that I want to grow. It's something I'm kind of afraid of, to be honest, and have like a
lot of weird shame stories about. So I'm asking myself how to invite more of that person to come be with me.
(30:16):
I'm so hesitant to say it because I know like when it's my turn to do it. I'm gonna be like, I screw that.
But I've been able to do it a couple of times outside of my family. My family, I can just do it.
But it's forgetting yourself and just letting what comes out comes out. Do you say like, I spend this much time in this energy in a week. Is it a goal? Or do you just go in and out of that as well?
(30:56):
Yeah, I just go in and out of that. But I think I need to make it a goal to spend a certain amount of time in that energy because it's very hard to do.
Like for me, especially somebody that doesn't want to be seen because then what that means is you are, everybody says like, I want to be a light. But like, if I don't want to be seen, I don't want to be a light. You know what I mean?
(31:24):
I don't want to shine. I don't want to glow. I don't want to just be. I have a video on my phone. My brother was at a family function. He was like making a little take home tray or some dessert that somebody made.
And his wife had scooped. It was a Tupperware thing with two divisions in it. And she scooped the first one, put the lid on.
(31:48):
So my brother's like, what the heck? And my mom, she's like, oh, that's not enough. And I call him Baby Jason because I joke around that he's my parents' favorite.
So I'm like, oh, yeah, it's not enough for Baby Jason. And then for like five minutes, he's, or maybe it was a couple minutes, he's just slapping more of this.
(32:09):
I don't know. It was like some type of cream and strawberry thing or whatever. Just slapping it into the Tupperware. And I'm just over his shoulder going, oh, Baby Jason, oh, yeah, it's so good.
Like just, I'm completely lose thought. You know what I mean? It's like when people meditate, they're like, I just went blank. That's what happens. And I'm just saying things.
(32:34):
And people are crying. They're laughing so hard. You know, and I can do it easy with family because I feel comfortable, but I wanted to.
That's what I was going to say is like that to me sounds like a byproduct of feeling really safe in yourself and in your space. And it's beautiful.
(32:57):
I never felt more confident than in those moments. You know, and I remember when doing this work, I was like, I need to start challenging my comfort zone.
So my wife showed me this thing. It was like a coupon for three, three improv lessons. So I'm like, all right, she was like, dared me to do it.
(33:23):
So I'm like, oh, I got it. It was a double dog dare. So you have to do it. And so I went and I had fun. So I signed up for like their little introductory class.
And there was like one time that I got into it. And I don't know, something with a robot is going to sound stupid, like to tell you about.
But and the robot is supposed to be broken and stuff. And everybody's looking at this part. And then I just start hauling ass around the room like I'm an out of control robot and just being like, what the fuck plays out, you know, and like everything stopped.
(33:57):
And I just I felt completely in control. I felt powerful. Yeah.
You know, I have to flow at its greatest, right?
Let's do it. Oh my God. Yes. Yeah. Because all the all the judgment that I put on myself, all the characters that I'm trying to play are gone and I'm just being.
(34:18):
Yeah. Would you say that you felt safe in your family for most of your life? Like did you grow up feeling wanted and cared for and like people hide your back?
Um, I would say yes and no, you know, like I got lucky with my family, you know, whatever, whatever we needed.
(34:46):
Like my parents would figure out, you know, my dad, when I was born was working three jobs.
Then he got a job at a power plant as a janitor scrubbing toilets. And when he retired, he was running the operations center by himself.
For the entire, you know, keeping all of Connecticut with power.
(35:06):
Um, so he worked his ass off for his entire life.
Me and my brother used to fight, but it was like the 80s. So it was different.
You know, like I went after my brother once with a knife because I had like on nuts and like cops weren't called.
I didn't get arrested or anything. It was just like, you know, my dad took care of it.
(35:30):
And, uh, and that was the last time I went after with a knife, you know, but, um,
and then there's all, you know, our families have their own issues.
Yeah.
So you can start to see what those are, to see where things were lacking or whatever.
So, and then just the whole thing with church, like I never felt comfortable. I never felt like I belonged.
(35:56):
I never felt safe. Um, there wasn't one day in church that I was not afraid of dying and going to hell.
And, and like, why don't I feel saved? You know, all this, like, like we, we, we always were taught like,
once saved, always saved. That was the type of Baptist we are, are a word. And, and I would get saved like
(36:20):
thousands of times a year because I'd be like, oh, oh, that's my problem.
That's why I'm feeling this way because I'm not really saved. So now I'm going to get saved.
And I would say the same prayer. And, and then like three weeks later, I'm like, okay, I'm not saved anymore.
Like what the hell is going on? I would even question, like, is it impossible for me to get saved?
But I know that that's against the Bible, except the, like the anti-Christ, he,
(36:43):
he's not going to get saved. So I'm like, maybe I'm the anti-Christ.
Yeah.
So in that way, I had a very scary internal world that when I was a teenager, man, I was freaking
depressed. It was horrible. I even had one, my brother.
(37:04):
Was it because you were wrestling inside with the, the truths of this or like it wasn't resonating with
your soul and so you could feel all that inner conflict and it caused a lot of depression?
Yeah, I was, yeah, it was, I didn't, I didn't feel real in anything, you know, like when I
did the church things, I felt fake. I felt absolutely fake.
(37:27):
Right. So you, you couldn't find yourself. You didn't know where you were because everything was kind of,
all your roles weren't really authentic.
Right. Oh yeah. 100%. Yeah. And then that just turned to, to, to just pure anger in my life.
And I would do just stupid things.
(37:50):
Not, not necessarily for people to see me as like the crazy dude, but just because of the rush I got
from it, you know, like surfing on top of a car going down like 40 miles an hour down the street.
And, and like when they were slowing down, like maybe 20, but jumping off into the grass on the side of the road.
(38:11):
Holding onto my buddy's car on my 10 speed and he's going 50, you know, and the bike is shaking and stuff.
And I started getting that reputation, you know, of like,
Right. Sort of a hell yeah. And thrill seeker.
Yeah, but I wasn't, I wasn't, it was just doing it because I felt like I almost had to feel more to feel anything.
(38:34):
Yeah. Because I felt so empty.
Yeah. That's fascinating.
Yeah. It's interesting when I talk to people who come from big families and I just want to sort of represent the other side.
I grew up with my mom and my sister primarily. My mom was not reliable or trustworthy.
So I grew up with one person I felt that level of safety with.
(39:00):
And then not until my current husband.
Right. Do I feel that safety?
But when I look at people who have families and brothers and sisters and aunts and uncles and they're all close and connected.
I always think you don't understand the ways in which that's impacting you.
Because I think people like me or people who are orphans or people who go through abandonment.
(39:23):
Like the experience of the world thinking you have one person or zero people or two is a lot different than the experience of the world of thinking.
I've got 15 people that have my back.
So I just want to like mention how much gratitude people with family should have for family because coming from a side where your family is really broken.
Makes sense.
(39:45):
Makes it hard to live life. It makes it hard to feel safe in the world.
Yeah. And things that I took for granted.
You know, or I'll look at the negative side.
So growing up it was me, my brother, my cousin, Steve, my cousin, and my cousin.
And she was the oldest of everybody.
(40:05):
So she used to like play with us for a while, but then you know kind of started going her own way.
And but my cousin Steve, my brother and me were always together.
And I was always, I was a dude that was going to get picked on.
So but we used to play like Spider-Man in the volcano where we would fall down the stairs at my cousin's house and then we would have to rescue each other.
(40:34):
And we would just take turns being in the hanging on in the volcano.
Then as we got older, my brother, my cousin created a game called Vulcan Wars, which I don't know where the name came from.
But apparently the rules of the game are put on these karate pads that are just like foam that barely like it's like that thick does anything and just beat the crap out of Keith.
(40:57):
Like that's apparently the whole game that we're playing.
And even my brother, my brother once he's evil, man.
Like psychopath evil.
So he he would come out Saturday morning.
I'm watching three stooges and I get in the zone when the stooges around like I can't be disturbed.
(41:23):
So he comes in the living room and he's like here, grab this knife.
It was just a butter knife and I'm like, no, you're going to you're going to try to cut me or something.
He's like, I'm not going to do anything.
So I grab the knife and he walks away.
Two minutes later comes back and grab the knife.
So I grab the knife, he walks away.
Does that like five times?
(41:45):
Right.
Guess to the point like where he comes in, I'm just I'm not even listening to the question.
He just comes in, holds a knife out.
I grab it.
He walks away.
What I didn't know about the game was that he was just like, I'm not even listening to the question.
I didn't know is like on the sixth time we had a gas stove and so we lit the burner, put the knife in there till it got red hot and was like, OK, he thought to himself.
(42:07):
I can't tell him to touch it because he'll see how it's red.
So he puts it under the water for like a second just to just to like dull the color comes out, holds out the knife and I touch it.
And I just start screaming and I pull my hand and like my my thumb and my finger skin is like connected to the knife.
(42:28):
Oh, he got my dad.
I thought I was going to kill him.
But today we look at that and we crack up and we're close and and even my cousin, Steven, he lives down in North Carolina.
But when when he's up, we hang out, we talk, you know, I mean, not as close as we once were just because life has brought us far apart.
(42:57):
But yeah, we're all close and we all still love each other and and all that it is.
You've known each other for so long.
Like I think that's the beauty of it is you have people in your life who know your story.
Yeah.
When you were eight and then you were in your 18 and then like that is a real beautiful relationship.
(43:18):
Yeah. Yeah. Even to this day, whenever I see them, they start yelling at me about, oh, my scar, my scar, right?
So when I was like 12, I had my appendix taken out.
And for like a long time after like that hurt, I mean, they caught through the muscle, you know, all that stuff.
(43:41):
And and so like, like two months later, we're like messing around or they're just beating on me or whatever.
And and I would say like, oh, my scar, my scar, because it's hurting that and they just thought I was the biggest baby.
And they're so and they've turned this story into like 10 years later.
Right.
Cross-eyed. I'm like, oh, my scar, my scar.
(44:02):
So it's like a big family joke now.
Yeah. So yeah, they know all that stuff.
We all know all that stuff about, you know, all embarrassing things that we will never let each other live down.
Yeah. Yeah, I've mentioned it before, but I don't think I've gone into depth about it.
That level of family is one of my goals for my next 10, 20 years, right?
(44:27):
Like my dad moved here, my sister moved here, I'm forming relationships, trying to get the rest of the people connected who are, you know, the good people in the various families that have been there throughout the years and just.
Because I think everybody needs that and everybody needs more like love and connection and I think it would be a service to my family.
(44:53):
But I also am really scared of being rejected or annoying or whatever word or judgment I have of myself for going to people like, come on, share a family calendar.
We want to know what's going on with you.
Like, oh, no, let's all do a family zoom and like being the one to encourage that.
I would love to take that role and I'm also really scared to take that role in my family.
(45:16):
Yeah, I can I can definitely see that.
That's because it's like what we were talking about before, like that balance between.
What is overstepping not wanting to and then you have you don't know somebody else is going to take it.
You know, all that all that sort of stuff.
(45:41):
Yeah, that just comes down to like just trusting.
Yeah, but if it's my vision for my life and my family, I have the right to advocate for my desires and push that into the world.
And if other people don't like it or it's uncomfortable.
That's their story, right?
But yeah, it's something that I'm sure you'll hear more about.
(46:05):
As the show goes on and because it is part of my journey that I'd like to move forward in and I'm scared about.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Because that I mean, in something like that, if somebody doesn't want to be at that level, there's going to be a feeling of rejection.
There's going to be grief to go through.
(46:28):
Yeah, like all of that stuff.
And that that comes down to like those base fears that we have that were were not enough and won't be loved.
Yeah.
I think for me, it will take that bigger, bigger place of scene where somebody says like, I'm too busy for this.
(46:51):
I don't want this level of connection.
It's like, oh, OK, that's fine.
I see your life story and it's OK.
And if some people say, yes, it's my job to take the actions that my heart wants me to take.
Yeah.
And I think that's that's such a great example, too, of being structured and in that flow.
(47:16):
You know, so having the structure of following your heart, what the vision of the life that you want, but also being in the flow of accepting.
No matter how hard it will be, what somebody else's beliefs or wishes are for themselves.
Yeah.
Yeah, accepting that ultimately I have no control over what the end picture looks like.
(47:43):
But that that can't change my level of enthusiasm for seeking out an experience I want.
Yeah.
And even with that same level of enthusiasm doesn't mean that there'll be days that you don't feel the the pain or the anxiety of what's coming or if somebody doesn't want to be a part of it.
(48:05):
You know, it's accepting that that's going to be a part of it.
And that's one of the things I'm really starting to see is that.
We have been taught that the negative side of our emotional spectrum.
Is wrong.
Yes.
And it's not, you know, it's not something to be afraid of.
(48:29):
And it doesn't mean that it's good to go through.
It doesn't mean it feels good.
It's supposed to feel bad.
You know, but we're going to choose what world we live in.
You know, are we going to live on the positive side?
And that doesn't mean like the rainbows and unicorns everywhere.
Like, oh, it's just in a car accident or, you know, Sandy's now a paraplegic and be like, well,
(48:52):
looking on the bright side, you know, she won't be as active, you know, like whatever.
It's it's just dealing with it and feeling what you're going to feel.
Yes.
But moving through that.
Yeah.
And I feel like when your heart gives you a desire, like, you know, everybody's probably got a handful of them, like those really deep ones that you don't even want to tell anybody because it's like so precious to you.
(49:18):
Like you want to be.
When when your heart gives you that desire, the path to that desire is, I don't know, 50% challenges, 50% love, like increase joy.
And like you need to be carved out into the person that is creating that and calling that into your life.
So like with this one, I think all the grief about people who don't want to participate or maybe a past truth I have to face about my relationship with someone.
(49:47):
All the negative feelings are going to be the ones carving me out so that I can accept more of this love and more of the connection and more of everything I want.
Like they're working together for me.
Right. And I think that's how we have to see sort of personal growth is it's challenging like the challenges are part of it.
(50:09):
So if you're on the journey, you have to start to like the challenges and have some relationship with them, right?
And not let them stop you realize how they are.
Yeah, that's that's an understanding I think we have to get to is what what the because everybody says do the work.
(50:30):
You know, and it's like become cliche.
Okay, but what the hell is the word?
Totally.
Every time I hear that, I think that like that's not.
People don't know what the work is.
Yeah.
Yeah, I know I know a person that like he always says like take action steps.
Right.
So whatever you whatever you say like I want to go to school.
(50:52):
That's great.
Now take some action like what what the hell are action steps?
Oh, what steps like but with for me like I'm starting to see like that work is not number one.
Awareness is is I think that the biggest thing to celebrate because when you become aware what that first time that you see that habit that pattern, whether it's you know, behavior or whatever it is that a belief system that that is not good for you.
(51:24):
Becoming aware of it is the greatest thing because now you can start doing the work.
You know, and and it's just I think challenging those thoughts like when the thoughts come up and there's sometimes thoughts come into my brain that are so overwhelming.
I can't shut them off.
Yep.
(51:44):
Those truths of thoughts, but most of them nine times out of 10.
It's just focusing on something else not fighting against those thoughts focusing on something else.
You know, like when I worked on my anger, I didn't go out and practice being, you know, peaceful.
(52:04):
Well, I mean, yeah, but I had to get pissed.
Right.
You know, so I was challenging myself in that anger instead of working on being like at peace or calm when I'm already calm.
It's really easy to do that.
Yes.
No, and that's that's the work it's those microscopic steps that we take building new pathways in our brain so that a different behavior begin to emerge and welcoming the discomfort or challenge that is part of that process.
(52:40):
Right.
Like you said, I had to be in an angry situation.
It had to be carving you out for the peace to arise.
They work together.
And so I think that's where it comes in is being more interested in knowing who you are and like your growth.
(53:01):
And that curiosity can drive you.
Yeah.
And it's not going to be this like uphill line of growth and progress.
It is going to be up a couple of steps, a major crash, even lower back up a little bit, a major crash, you know, and then it just do the waves get smaller and smaller until you start to, you know, barely they're still all going to be there.
(53:30):
But it's like that, that very easy, slow, very calm ocean movement, you know.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's the work is almost like.
Invisible, you know what I mean?
Yes.
Yeah.
And I think there's like a bigger mystery of it because the woman I am today.
(53:55):
I never could have even imagined this person.
I didn't send.
And I'm so surprised as I allow myself to be myself and then witness myself to get to know myself.
All right.
Who I'm becoming and I think the woman I'm going to be in 10 years.
(54:16):
I can't even imagine her.
Right.
I just do keep doing this work in the moment and something so incredible is going to bloom.
And that to me always makes me feel a little bit more like safety about the process and the work in the future is.
I don't know, but man, it sure has gotten better and better and better the more that I've done this work and known who I am and loved myself and the more connected I live.
(54:47):
Yeah.
It's a thing, man.
Like.
And I'm not saying life can't get hard, but.
We don't need a safety net.
Yeah.
You know, like even even like when I was talking about like standing over a void where you don't see what you're standing on and you you know.
(55:08):
The void is an illusion.
Yeah.
Oh, like whatever you want to call it God consciousness, the universe, like whatever it is like.
Something out there's got us.
You know, and it doesn't because we're part of something so much bigger.
And it doesn't like I said, it doesn't mean that bad things aren't going to happen in life, but it just means that everything's going to be okay.
(55:35):
Yeah.
I think that's such a beautiful place to end.
Everything's going to be okay.
That was perfect.
It's like just been an hour.
I love it.
Yeah, I loved that discussion.
(55:56):
Thank you.
That was good.
Yeah, that was cool.
Yeah.
Thank you everybody for joining us.
We will see you next week.
Thank you so much for joining us.
We are so grateful for all of our listeners.
Please support us in doing what we love.
(56:16):
It's as simple as hitting that like or subscribe button.
It would really mean a lot to us.
Thanks guys.
And we'll see you next week.
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