Chasing Thoughts | S03 E08: Those Things We Don’t Talk About - Chasing Thoughts

Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What is my next challenge in daring to be human?

(00:07):
How do I connect with life?
How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?
How do I live free from the experiences that shaped me?
How can we be the change the world needs right now?
Join us weekly for story conversations about life.
It is our mission to allow life itself to reveal to us the answers.

(00:35):
Welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Hi Keith!
How you doing? Do I do the little hey?
Oh you should.
Yeah, hey, Chasing Thought. I've never done it before.
What's up?
I know it's funny, you're like what's up computer screen?

(00:58):
Oh that's so funny.
Yeah, so we're doing this new thing like where because we always had like one zoom link but now on the ones I edit I'm sending it.
So this is like the first time we're doing this so yeah.
I never thought about the little hey everybody.
Yeah, so funny.

(01:21):
So how was your week?
It was good. It was good. Yeah, just just like worked all week. I'm in this this flow which just feels so good.
You know I had I had a little bit of that that issue with like time in my perspective with it.
And that like caught me off for like a day and a half, you know, but then I got right back into it, you know, and so that that conversation that we had on that was so helpful.

(01:48):
Yeah, yeah, for me to this last week has been so great.
I sat down and really thought about my time and how I want to spend my time and what's important to me and what my top three goals are like really got that alignment and then this week.
Every morning I don't go on like my email or social media or anything for the first couple hours. I've been going on walks with my sister doing yoga doing my meditation I wrote a meditation right like really focusing on what's the most important to me and then diving into work later in the day.

(02:25):
And it has worked so well and I'm so proud of myself and I feel good because I've been exercising and right all the things that I need to do and all the things that my mind for so long has told me that I just don't have time for.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I'm finding I'm finding like my own rhythms and that too, you know, it's easier for me to stay consistent with exercising. If I do it at night.

(02:54):
And so I now have this like routine that I just like love so I'll work out.
Take a nice warm shower. And then I'm in the garage for like, you know, an hour hour and a half just slow smoking and and watching you know whatever I want to watch whatever and then I sleep like, like the dead man.

(03:16):
Yeah, it's so cool.
Yeah, going with your natural rhythms is so powerful.
Yeah, oh yeah.
Yeah, and you like for at least for me like I wouldn't think that I mean I've heard of circadian rhythms and stuff but I wouldn't think that you know it gets down to that such that small scale.
Yeah, but cool.

(03:39):
Yeah, for me, I realized that what I was telling myself was, I wake up, and I feel the best when I wake up and then it slowly goes downhill, like I'm the smartest I feel the greatest. And then by five o'clock.
I can't talk about anything smart.
Right, that's just how I work. So I was thinking, well, working right when I get up makes sense that's when I'm the smartest.

(04:06):
But then when I looked at my goal and my number one goal was like health, wellness, presence, right, fitness, being this.
I was like, wait a second, then that has to get the best part of my day. Like if that's my number one goal, I need to put my most energy there.
That's good dude.

(04:28):
And that helps me just kind of find a little bit more alignment. You know how you just go like click and then you're like, oh this is easy. Whether it's I changed my thought or you know something happens where it clicks into place and it's like, oh, thank God.
Okay.
So what's that like transporter effect like that I'll explain because there's this massive obstacle there that you just can't break through and then that one tweak that puts you in alignment and all of a sudden you're like what the hell I like it over onto this side of it you know, it's so cool though.

(05:01):
And I think what's funny is,
when you hear life coaches or therapists talk, why aren't more people talking about this. Right, you always hear people say, oh well you can do xyz here's the 10 steps this, but very few people, if any I've seen on you know tick tock or social media are saying,

(05:23):
here's how you get in touch with you to figure these things out here's what it's like to approach a wall and get it be transported to the other side of it, because that's really what you want to do as a life coaches teach that skill.
Yes. And that's been one of my biggest complaints, you know, having worked in the mental health industry I mean not not for long, but just seeing how it how it happens like I was just reminded today like one of the things that I know a lot of people that were in the programs

(05:58):
that I worked at and stuff had a hard time with was being bored. They couldn't be alone they didn't know how to just be alone.
Recently I saw a snap from somebody that I know has has some issues. And it was like two in the morning, and it just said, someone please FaceTime me.

(06:20):
You know, bored can't sleep. Don't like thoughts don't like how you feel but put all the focus goes on exactly how you don't want to feel, you know, and, and then it's so it's distraction, and it becomes this constant search for this dopamine release.
Yeah, you know, and it's, I don't know, I like you said I don't know why it's not talked about like that understanding. Yeah, and no like, Oh, that's what's going on.

(06:49):
And even to understand, Okay, these horrible thoughts that I keep pushing away.
I need to meet them. Look at it. Find out what it really is. And then it won't be there anymore. Right. That's how you get rid of those thoughts. And that part isn't really explained either. How you do that in real time.

(07:13):
Right. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I was I was talking to a buddy of mine this week, and, and we were talking about, you know, like the times that we you would look yourself in the mirror and you see a monster, you know, like all those thoughts, the shame that we put on ourselves the judgment we just see this monster staring back at us.

(07:34):
And, of course, everybody's mind goes to like something like, you know, Freddie Krueger, or something staring back at you. But there's all kinds of movies, like Monsters Inc.
Like the monsters that we do have inside, which everybody does doesn't necessarily have to be this evil thing. You know, I mean, because everything that we do everything that is inside of us, it's all to protect ourselves to keep ourselves safe.

(08:04):
You know, even when we do the bullshit that we're all capable of doing.
Yeah. Yeah, I have never looked something in the face. You know, my shame, my regret, whatever it is.
And walked away going, you're still fucking ugly. Right. You're still despicable. That's never happened. What happens is what you're describing. Oh, I get you. I see you. You're not this horrible monster.

(08:32):
Yeah.
And one by one, I think that's how we gain inner peace, right? We changed one thought, two thoughts, three thoughts and slowly we gain that inner peace that we all really desire.
Yeah. You know what, there was a time because I think what it comes down to is a misunderstanding of our own communication with ourselves.

(08:56):
Right. So me and Sandy, like one night a week, you know, for dinner, it's it's our, I call it our bass night. So it but it's big ass salad. Like that's what we had is big ass salads, right.
And I'm not like huge on salads, even though like I noticed like smoking. I'm more prone to eat better after I've smoked because like salad is like from God's garden into my mouth.

(09:24):
Like it's like the most delicious thing in the world.
But anyway, so I don't use the best salad dressing, like in the world, but it's like kind of like one of my compromises, you know, but then I'll go to like better stuff for a while, and then I'll need a little break, you know.
So I'm like dressing myself and stuff and I'm judging myself in my mind. I'm like, alright, alright, ease up ease up, you know, but I'm like, I just a little bit more, it's a little bit more, you know.

(09:53):
And then Sandy said to like, are you all sat or something like that.
And what she was meaning was like, we were gonna go like, go sit down.
But since I was judging myself, I was like, call me fat. You call me fat like what's your problem, you know what I mean and I like yelled at her like snap that her.

(10:15):
And she was just like, what, what the hell. You know, so it was it was a fundamental misunderstanding that made me do that because it was not what she was saying. And, you know, those monsters that I have inside a lot of times.
It's just a misunderstanding. You know, like if I feel like I need to lie about something, you know, so I don't hurt somebody or whatever.

(10:40):
The lie is going to make it worse. You know, but what what it's trying to do is protect me. So in reality, the best thing I can do to protect myself is to be honest.
Yeah.
You know what I mean. So the protection is good. And that's why to me it's like more of like a monsters ink monster monster.
You know, and not this this demon that I have.

(11:03):
Yeah. I also think you described what I would say is one of the most beautiful parts of being in a long term relationship long term marriage is you start to learn those kinds of things about your partner where you can go.
Oh, you think I'm you do you think I'm saying you're fat again like I'm not baby I love you like where it's already in your wounds or the thoughts you struggle with are known by that other person.

(11:31):
And that's a beautiful thing they're helping you navigate the world and this whole internal thing you've got going on right I mean I really appreciate that when my husband says like when I get defensive or weird and he goes hey babe, is this like your abandonment stuff coming up because I just want to tell you I'm not going
to tell you and then it just disappears because he saw me right and was able to address what was really happening to me, not what I was presenting out here. Right which was.

(12:04):
Right the game of what's happening in this body when I feel insecure.
Right.
I think that I think you're absolutely right and it's like one of the best things and I think that's one of the areas like with especially with with guys.
It gets it gets sticky because that that I think is represented in men with weakness. Yes, you know and I for some reason I've been hearing this like term like, you know, beta male, like she turned him into a beta male a lot on socials and stuff and, and I get that you know and I, and I get that that can happen and

(12:40):
be like that sometimes people just that that's just the way they are.
You know, but there's a strength and being able to say this is what I feel.
Yes, but not being controlled by that feeling and that's where the difference comes in.
You know when you hide it, you're 100% controlled by that feeling you're controlled by that feeling and then the domino effect of judgment that you're going to put on yourself for that.

(13:04):
I mean, even today like I'm in one of my little depressive cycles. I've been really quiet. I've been a little bit slower just like moving a little bit down but I've been okay like I haven't been depressed, you know, and I realize that today and I told Sandy like, yeah, I'm a piece she's been
asking me last couple days like everything okay and I'm like, yeah, it's fine. Like, you know, and then it hit me today like I'm just in one of those down cycles. You know, and then I'm going to get out of my day.

(13:37):
Yeah, I like those cycles. Like, when I'm quiet and kind of sad and deep like those are like the days where I'm like, burning out I don't know how to describe it right like I like those and I come up with
deep content ideas and that's when big shifts happen inside of me or understanding that's usually when I'm doing that transportation over a wall is in that space.

(14:03):
And that's, that's the real life experience of what we're always saying when we're saying you don't want to be happy all the time the goal isn't to be happy all the time. That's an illusion.
It's something we've been sold. And it's not really the best human experience or even possible but yeah, yeah. And you know, it's come to feel like for me.

(14:27):
You know, that the depression used to feel like a heavy weight that was on me that it just burned every like I hated every and I felt it everywhere like I literally felt like I was that thick like I just had this thin layer skin and then follow.
And so that's why I would nap like all the time, you know, because I just want to shut my feelings off and not just go dark.

(14:52):
You know, but now you ever like on a cold day, cold night, you get in bed and the sheets are really cold, but it just feels so good, especially like as they slowly warms up.
Like that's that feeling for me now. Yeah, you know what I mean? It's, it's a comfortable feeling, even though I'm down.

(15:15):
Yes, only thing that's changed is the meaning that I give to it. Right. Yeah. Yeah. And how much self beat up right. You do or don't you.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's another thing that I think I'd like to talk about more and that I don't hear enough on the internet and stuff is really how your self talk is within your control and you can change it and that's probably the number one thing you can do to get changes in your life.

(15:47):
Like if you're talking kindly to yourself, everything else you do is likely to be a success.
But if you don't deal with that thing and you're beating yourself up while you try to go get a new job, get a new partner, it's not going to work. Right. Right. Like, yeah, it has to be the first step in any personal growth plan, right, or any success plan is that that self stuff that inside stuff.

(16:10):
Yeah.
Yeah, and you're at it's something that is not talked about at all. You know, because it's it's been just made wrong. Like if that happens, something is wrong. You have a disorder in your brain.
You know, the other day, this was this was like a month ago, but there was something going on with my daughter and I started thinking about it started worrying about it and then started feeling anxiety, and then those thoughts started creating more thoughts and then thoughts of like how when I was really,

(16:46):
really angry, some of the stuff that I've done, you know, and how I treated them and I just started feeling like physically sick. And I nothing that I could do can get my mind off it.
And I finally just decided like, well, okay, my mind wants to think about my daughter so let's think about my daughter.
And I thought about when Sandy told her to wake me up. And if I don't wake up to, to, like, you know, punch me in the head, you know, and and she was like she was like two at the time, and she was the smallest lightest thing and I remember waking up thinking

(17:21):
something's on me, you know, but not like fully opening my eyes when I open my eyes she was just reared back like this like just kneeling on my chest and then just punched me right in the nose. And I started thinking about that and started like one time Sandy got a candle for Christmas or
something and my mom asked like, Well, what's the sense. And Ruthie looks at the bottom of it and she was, you know, and been able to read just a little bit and she goes, It's the gift of frog grunts, because it's a gift of fragrance on the bottom.

(17:54):
So I mean we were just talking about that the other day at Herbert her and Sandy's like combined birthday party or like the gift of frog grunts. I pushed my thoughts into those memories.
And within minutes, the anxiety was gone. I was smiling. I was happy.

(18:15):
Yes.
So it's that that momentary conscience conscious effort.
Yes.
And I was like, I just wanted to take those thoughts and sit with that uncomfortability of fighting with it for a few moments. Yes. And then see what happens.
Yes.
But I mean so well described. And I just want to note for me.

(18:39):
I mean, I think that there is a choice. There is. I don't know, like an inner teenager or like something inside of me that's like, I don't want to fucking do that. I want to stay over here. I want to keep thinking about the bad thing like the either resistance is very clear in those moments and it is hard to choose a happy
thought and put your focus someplace else but man is it worth it to know how to do that.

(19:02):
Oh yeah.
Well, it's a very valuable skill.
The best things that have helped me. I learned from the great like just psychology lesson of Harry Potter.
So you remember when, when who was it loop in a yeah, like they had the Bogart and the cupboard and would come out and you know and that spell ridiculous or whatever.

(19:29):
You know, so like I started playing a game with myself like if my mind is going to imagine the worst case scenario, you know, so I like when I was when I started having like the panic attacks after COVID.
I was like I'm dying having a heart attack. This is it like I'm making goodbye videos and all kinds of stuff, you know, you know, but like play with that. Like, okay, I could be having a heart attack.

(19:55):
There could be a parasite that's living inside of me. Oh dude the movie aliens like I can have an alien inside of me like because that is, I have just as much knowledge that I have an alien living inside of me as as I do as if I'm having a heart attack.
Right. Yeah.
So,
we're completely made up.
Yes.
Both are fantasies.

(20:16):
They're both they're both created by imagination. It's just I put more belief in this one. Yeah, I do this one. You know, so but why not just have fun with it.
Right. Yeah.
And if you have that choice, why keep telling yourself that people hate you or people think you're ugly or you're too much or like all these common things that we just repeat to ourselves. If you're lying to yourself anyways, lie to yourself in a way that makes you feel good.

(20:46):
Yeah, dude.
Right.
Otherwise, what are you doing you're just beating yourself up it's just self self sabotage.
Yeah, can I question a personal question about your girls.
Yeah.
I just realized you actually might be able to help me. So, if you listen to this show and Keith, you know, I have been rebuilding my relationship with my dad who I haven't really ever had a relationship with these last couple years.

(21:13):
And it's difficult. And so I was wondering if you could just speak a little bit to like what your experience was because you had a bit of rebuilding to do with your girls right.
Yes.
What did that look like and what was that experience like, mainly I wanted to like for you as the man and the dad. Right because I understand it from the daughter's point of view, but I'd love to hear it from you and feel like what was that like for you.

(21:40):
And I think it might help me in my own situation.
So,
just just for like some context on on like it was it was bad it wasn't as bad as as a lot of situations you know but it was bad you know and and when I went into Bosnia.
I wrote letters to my oldest daughter McCarrey you know Ruth wasn't wasn't born yet.

(22:06):
And just so that she could know me.
And, and just I just it was just like a diary, you know, but just letters while I was there every day I wrote to her.
And just in case something happened. And when she turned, I think 18 Sandy gave that to her.
And she began to read through it, and she couldn't she had to stop because she said, I don't know who this is this is not my dad. This is this is bullshit.

(22:35):
And I did not know this until about a year ago, maybe year and a half ago so after like all the changes happened.
And she re read them when she turned 27.
And she read the whole thing. And she told Sandy.
Now I've met my dad.

(22:58):
And
Was it scary for you to show show you show yourself to her.
And obviously what she was saying is my dad finally let me see his heart his real gooey stuff right I know him. I know what he's afraid of I know what he loves I know right like the intimacy of relationship was that scary for you to do.

(23:21):
Yeah, because it's all it's all vulnerability.
Yeah.
And, and I did not know how to do that. Like it didn't exist.
The thing was this forced like wall of control.
You know and I think of, you know, these these skyscrapers that they've had to build with flexibility.

(23:48):
You know, in case of earthquakes and stuff but like I mean, just looking at scaffolding in, in, in, like China and Japan like the bamboo.
Yeah, it's enough to hold up this massive towering scaffolding, but it sways, but it won't break.
Yeah, and that's what vulnerability is we see vulnerability as being broken and shattered and there's a part of it that's in there.

(24:16):
You know, but it's, it's swaying with, with the life the ebbs and flows of life and not, not just staying static until something begins to break.
Yes.
You know, and so that was the biggest thing you know I realized that yeah I can't be vulnerable. And when I talked to them and apologized for things even even like years after the changes have happened.

(24:44):
I mean, I think the fear would come up. And, and I would talk to them about it. And I would apologize to them for it. And, and most of the times are like, I don't even remember that.
You know, because, but you're rebuilding trust with them in that way right because you are.
Yeah.
And I'm showing them that my, my feelings of awkwardness and uncomfortability are not more important than ensuring that there are no divisions between us.

(25:17):
That was so beautifully said Keith that is so beautiful.
Because I mean, unfortunately, that's what it is. And again, I get it. You know, it's one of those cute little freaking monsters but that can cause so much problems, so many problems, trying to keep you safe.
I don't want to feel this so instead I'm not going to say anything. And but then, like my daughters may have been never never apologize for that. I can't I care or like I can't believe like that's that's what I mean that could have been the thing that just

(25:49):
Yes, an obstacle between us. Yes. Yeah. You know, so it's putting the other person above me 100%. Yes. Yeah. And I did videos on that and stuff and I got a lot of pushback.
Because I think it's one of those things where it's a paradox. It's not talked about because putting putting them above me makes me feel amazing but in order for me to do that, I have to be first I have to take care of my like you were talking about.

(26:23):
Yes.
If health is your goal that needs to be where you're putting when you have the majority of that best energy. That's what you got to be putting it into.
Yeah.
It's not a paradox. It doesn't mean I'm denying myself. That's what we do where we get into trouble.
Yes. Yeah. So nuanced and you're right that nuanced.

(26:46):
Ness of it isn't really talked about and discussed online like you don't see that it's not common. Yeah. Yeah.
So I think thinking about it I think the first thing that I realized both with Sandy and the girls was that I couldn't tell them how I'm going to be because I told them so much so often.

(27:11):
Right. So your words really didn't mean anything at that point because your actions never backed them up. Correct. So I had to first change my actions.
Yes. Instead of telling them that I love them I want to show them that I love them. Yes. You know.
And then it was understanding that there is incredible strength in incredible power in saying I'm wrong. I was wrong.

(27:43):
You know even when something arises you know I remember my daughter was was trying out a new job and it just wasn't for her. She was not happy at all.
And me and her got to an argument because I was like what are you thinking. You know this is this it's a better job.

(28:04):
She went back to her old job and she's so incredibly happy and this guy like I mean it's more like he's like an adopted grandfather. You know.
And so I was wrong. And so I made sure I told her like I was wrong about that. You know because I want them to see too like there's not there's not shame in failure.

(28:30):
Right. Yeah. And I think when somebody doesn't admit that they're wrong that becomes like you said a wall in the relationship. Right. You can't it prevents the screen. You just can't have that. Right.
You have to agree on what actually happened which is I was wrong sometimes you know. Yeah. Yeah. And I think the third biggest thing was accepting them for who they are not for who I want them to be.

(28:59):
Yeah. Yeah. And that's like one of the hardest. Yeah. It's very true because as a parent you've spent you know 20 plus years knowing this person and imagining this person and right growing this person and then when they turn out very differently than you think.

(29:23):
That's a lot of time that you spent with an imaginary version of them. Right. It's understandable that it's hard to do as a parent. And yeah it is so friggin important.
Yeah. And again it comes from a good place I want to help mold them into the person that I think will give them the best life. Right.

(29:45):
And it takes all autonomy away from them. Yes. You know I mean like my oldest daughter when she was working full time going to school full time wrote a book and planned her wedding.
She just took on a new job and then she took on a part time job with her old firm. And I'm like dude are you going to burn out. I mean like what about like the other stuff you want to do writing and she goes I find that when I'm not busy.

(30:17):
I don't get anything done but when I'm the more busy I am the more I get done and I'm like what the hell is wrong with you because like I'm like that makes no friggin sense but but she does it.
You know my other daughter. She she has this job in this little historic soda making place. You know with this awesome guy that takes care of her. She has her dog that her and her husband adopted a dog that was kept down just like lived in a barn was never outside.

(30:51):
And then they rescue two birds from Petco that were like so abused the birds would just sit there and shake. And that's like the one I put on my so like hanging out with Scooby he's like my best friend now.
You know, and she just hangs out with her animals and reads.
Yeah, she but the happy.

(31:12):
Yes. Yeah.
Yeah, that is really cool. Yeah, with my son. Instead I've been really trying to train myself instead of saying right or wrong like you should do this you shouldn't do this a good idea it's not a bad idea like giving my opinion, like listening and then saying something like, I know no
if it happens, you're going to be able to handle the results of this choice, right or something that just affirms his own ability to deal with it. Yeah, like my opinion on what you know is going out here in the world.

(31:45):
And I don't always get it right, but I started thinking like, that's how I wish I was affirmed when I was a kid, not.
Don't go to that school know that choice is bad don't date that guy, but just like, hey, you know what, you're going to be able to listen to yourself because you always have.
And I know you're going to make the right choice for you. Right. That is like, oh you support me in me.

(32:12):
So it's a beautiful way to support people.
Oh yeah. Yeah, because I mean a lot so many of the times it's just, we need that validation like am I doing the right thing.
You know, it comes down to is who knows what's going to happen. Yeah, you know, I mean it could be the absolute right thing that is going to put your life on a trajectory for fame and wealth and everything and then we can get hit by an

(32:39):
asteroid or a door can fall off a plane and take you out.
Like you never know what's going to happen.
Yeah, you know, and like, and I know like we've.
I love again just the way like chasing thoughts and like how this whole conversation just took place even though we were like okay we're going to talk about this you know, but it comes down to intention versus expectation.

(33:02):
Yes, you know because expectations trying to control the outcome of a matter it's it's attached to ego, you know all that as attachment to it.
And then the intention is just like, yeah I want this to happen I wish this would have whatever, but that attachment to it. Yeah, I actually have a funny story to share about that because I had a really difficult week with my family dynamics.

(33:30):
And so there was some conflict because I have been saying I want a deeper relationship I want a deeper relationship right we need to do things more a bit aggressively.
I will admit that.
And, you know, my intention was, I want to build a close family I want us all to really know each other right like that my intention was so beautiful.

(33:56):
And because I had expectations on a certain way it should look, this is how they should behave they should call me this many times we need to do whatever it is right.
I was actually getting further away from my intention.
Because I was, I was trying to live out my expectation of what that was going to look like.

(34:19):
And so it was funny because after this conflict you know I spent some time sitting so I could see what was going on in here. And I was like, this is so funny. I need to go back to my intention which is like love acceptance, whatever that looks like, right.
And just letting go of how I think it should look. And, you know you say that and I just want to say like that sounds easy and it is not easy.

(34:50):
When it's a relationship where, you know, like mine where it's my dad and I'm like, no, I have these dreams of us communicating in this way or doing these things and having this relationship right.
No matter how beautiful my dream is. If, if I'm not getting there with the way I think it should be I need to let it that go, right, and accept what is keeping that intention of my heart and trusting that the universe is going to do what it does.

(35:23):
And it's going to be the best thing.
Yeah, that that is that is such a difficult thing to do.
And it is one of the most rewarding things.
You know, you know, that was saying, say that say that one more time.

(35:45):
That's that like surrender and here that big surrender to expectations or what's going to happen.
Yeah. Yeah, like have you ever the same like we are like either like the director of our own lives or the writers of our own stories.
Like, I get what it means, but it's not really true.
You know, a director controls the scene controls how the observer is going to watch the movie.

(36:14):
The writer controls the narrative in the scene and controls how the observer is going to experience the story. And what we try to do is we try to direct our lives we try to control how we're going to experience it but what our job is to do is just experience it.
Yes, that was such a good analogy I've never heard that analogy. But yeah we're not the writers of our lives because there's elements that we can't control.

(36:43):
Right. It's more dynamic than that.
Yeah. You know, I mean like the waves come in and go out with the tides that's, you know, controlled by like the gravity like the moon and all that sort of stuff I mean, there's so much stuff that's going on that's gently pushing us this way and that but we fight against it to be you know because like

(37:07):
in the house that I'm building I put this brick here and this is where it's supposed to be. You know, but if if we're fighting against that current, you know, fighting against where that flow is naturally taking up so I think here's the thing of like, you know, going back to that discussion we had like flow
over structure.
You know, like being in the flow of experiencing life but within there having the structure. Yes, I mean we have the flexibility of our body and inside of us is the structure of our DNA.

(37:39):
Yeah. Yeah, and checking in to know where you should be on that arc. Right, like that's what I did we had a conflict.
And I was like, Oh, I need to be more flexible here. Right, so I know to go this way. And then at some point there might be another situation in my life where I go Oh I need to be more rigid here okay right and you're checking in and managing that.

(38:04):
Yeah, it's, it's rewarding. And also, you know you were saying like people say like, Oh vulnerabilities for pussies or weaklings or whatever and it's like, Have you ever done it, because it's the most fucking terrifying hard horrible thing ever like you're
having conversations with your daughter. When you're going to someone who like you love and you're about to share something and everything inside your body's like fucking run away go hide and doing it anyways.

(38:37):
Holy shit. That is strength that is courage and every time somebody says it isn't I'm like, Yeah, you haven't done it.
It is not easy. Oh my god. Yeah. I mean some of the toughest guys I know cannot be vulnerable. You know, and it's funny too is because some of the most unassuming guys that I know.

(39:01):
Like I remember this one friend I had Harry who he was a medic and he ended up going into special forces. And he was, I mean, the most quiet, humble, nice guy in the world. But when he came back from, I believe it's called selection the first course you go through like a tryout type

(39:22):
thing. They were doing a buddy carry with like this 500 pound thing. And and his the guy he was doing with it couldn't hold it and it fell and it shattered his hand.
And he had two weeks left. And they said, If you go to the medic, we're gonna have to recycle you which means you're gonna have well you're gonna wait to heal up here. And then you have to go through the whole course again.

(39:49):
And so he was like screw that. And he just lived with this massively swollen shattered hand for two weeks.
Oh, yeah, and finished the course. And so one of the most badass dudes that I know but he was so humble so kind and he had no problem being open authentic and vulnerable it's like he didn't know how not to be.

(40:14):
Yeah.
Oh, sorry, go ahead.
Are you good. I was just like, like thinking like this the whole idea of the stuff that's not talked about.

(40:35):
Especially when there's this massive mental health industry that is so incredibly profitable, especially with medications.
Yeah.
You know, and with a simple understanding of how our minds work.
Yeah, I think what we're talking about is that that space like the same space that science and spirituality is interested in right now right where you're like, Okay, this thing is happening.

(41:06):
It's experiential it doesn't have the laws of physics behind it right but it's guiding my life. And how do I use words to describe this thing or this process.
It's not only experiential and it's a little bit different to ever like it's a hard space to explain and I think that's why a lot of people are talking about it because it's easier just to say, do these 10 things and you're going to feel better.

(41:30):
Yes. And I think that's what really what we're looking for.
Yes, you know there's there's a big difference between mental health and physical.
Like, if I if I have high cholesterol, okay, do these 10 things and it'll get better. You know, like, I need to eat better less crap, you know, whatever like whole Cogan's like three demands like do my training say my prayers and have my vitamins you know and I'm good.

(41:58):
You know, but when it comes to mental health. It's not like a thing of like okay I'm depressed. Okay, we need we need to set like you know this side of your brain because there's a fracture here or something you know it's not it's not that simple.
Yeah.
And, and there's not a doctor out there that can do anything for you.

(42:19):
Yeah, you can get all the advice in the world.
But you have to do it.
Yep.
Yep.
You know, but we think that the, the answer is out there.
And I want to be careful because I know there's really good there.

(42:41):
Great advice.
Need that you know but we think that they have the answer. And a lot of times I think a lot of them think they have the answer.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess, you know, as a life coach.
I think this is what you and I both try to do with people right is introduce them to themselves.

(43:05):
Yes, yes.
Right.
And, you know, it's such a difficult process that I haven't even come up with good marketing for it in years.
Right. Because how do you say what you do when it's this sort of vague in a way, right? Like, well, I'll help you get to know yourself but that's so like trot and like people don't really get what that means, right?

(43:30):
Right.
Yeah.
I'm always frustrated by that.
Yeah, I remember when I first started this.
Yeah, there was like this marketer I saw online and I really liked the dude I liked every time he said I'm like, I'm going to buy an hour of his time 300 bucks.
And, and he's like, all right, so what's your like, what are you telling him like what I tell people like what I have to offer is meaningless.

(43:57):
And he's like, you can't freaking say that dude.
I'm like, it's true.
I offer them nothing.
I give advice.
I don't take it.
Or they don't and I'm not saying like if they take my advice everything is good.
You know, but I'm also the belief of if I if like what I'm saying what I'm doing it's not working. It's not their fault. It's my we need to find we need to pivot.

(44:21):
You know, so we can find that way that works for them. Like you said, introducing them to themselves.
Yes.
And I think that's the biggest series, like when people come to work with me I'm like, we're going to do experiments in your life. We're going to say, if you do this thing for 30 days, how do you feel if you do this thing right if you act this way if you change this habit.
And we're going to do that until we find your things.

(44:45):
And the amount of time that that takes is dependent on your level of self honesty.
Yes.
Okay, so like if you want to move faster and you want this relationship to be done in three months, be fucking just honest with yourself and you will go through all these experiments very quickly.

(45:06):
You're gonna know.
And I think that's the line that I've ever read in a book with Edith Egger choices where she she wrote. And this was like, she was 50 and she was in the concentration camps when she was like 1516. And she wrote.
She finally realized she said, I had my secrets and my secrets had me.

(45:29):
And I was like, I'm not like guys like man, like I'm a man, like I can't talk about this. I'm going to hide it. And nobody will know, you know, and, and it's this thing. Okay, okay, you're but you're giving up control to this idea of what people are going to think of you.
That's weakness.

(45:50):
You know, even by people that can whoop my ass that it's still a weakness.
But when we can be honest and truthful with ourselves, like all these people like I don't walk into like wherever I'm going and be like, Hey, buddy, I'm depressed.
So you all know like nobody needs to know, but I can be honest when I'm honest with myself.

(46:15):
It releases all the anxiety of trying to live behind this mask of I'm not this bullshit. I am this, but I can also have a good time while I'm like this.
Right. Yeah.
I don't know what you said that reminded me I wanted to tell you maybe it's just about not caring what other people think I got myself a new bike, and it's like a beach cruiser with like the handlebars and like the big fat seat.

(46:42):
And I put a basket on front and like a coffee holder and my cell phone. And so it's like, you know, current machine.
I have wanted this for so long, but have been like, what if someone sees me riding my bike and thinks I'm dumb.
I'm 45 when you're 45, you're too old to cruise around on a bike around like all these ideas. And then I told myself exactly what you said, like, alright, I guess you're going to be a little bitch to what other people think.

(47:12):
Like, if that's the way you want to live your life fucking do I'm Andy. And then I was like, I don't want to be a little bitch.
And I was like, okay, yeah, what the fuck do I care and it I don't even like the type of person that would judge me. I don't want to be friends with them right like I don't respect that so I'm bowing down to people who I don't wouldn't even respect if they behaved that way and judge me for writing a stupid bike.

(47:40):
Like, it's just so silly when you really break it down so you know I'm stoked because as you know, I love to smoke weed usually I do in the afternoon after my work is done and sometimes my sister will call and be like oh hey you want to come over and do this.
And I don't drive when I have been smoking so I'm like no you know I can't but now I'll just hop on my little cruiser bike.

(48:04):
Dude that basket is a perfect place to carry a pipe in your weed. Right. Yeah, you could stop halfway there just seems like so much fun to me and really embracing that sort of slower like, I don't have to rush this.
I can ride my bike places. I have the time to do that in my life and it's something I enjoy.

(48:28):
Yep. Right. Because for so many years I lived like go go go go go go jump in the car and drive as fast as you can.
Yeah.
I'm just so like that grateful every day like I have this slow life and I, I'm just filled up with gratitude for it.

(48:52):
Yes. Dude yesterday I had a 45 minute conversation with Zoe, my dog in the back.
Yeah for everybody that is Keith's dog.
Yeah.
45 minutes conversation.
So she has like she's got a lot of like genetic issues like this poor dog and she has a very sensitive stomach so we have to feed her like we have to feed her. She gets breakfast and we have to give her like two very small meals and if not like showing up throwing up like all this

(49:23):
stuff and then she'll have her dinner. And so when Sandy's in the office, I'll give her her little small meal and then we'll go out and I'm like, dude, I got a 20 foot lead like training lead and stuff.
I'm like, I'm just going to hook her on this because we can't let her run because of her hip dysplasia. So, and I'm just going to go outside and smoke.

(49:47):
So just, I take my shoes off I walk around in the grass outside Zoe just walks around I just follow her with the lead, smoke it and then I just started talking to her.
And I had like a 45 minute conversation and I was like my neighbors must think like I am the poster child of why cannabis is so dangerous, you know, having a blast.

(50:12):
I was so full of just gratitude and joy and, you know,
find that that in those kinds of moments.
I can become super present. Like when I'm like, yeah, and I'm like, oh, you do, you know, do whatever. All sudden I'll like wake up and I'll be like, Oh, where was that like I was so present in my experience with this thing has one minute gone by or 10 minutes.

(50:37):
I don't know. I better figure out what's going on right like I always lose myself. And that's joy right those are the types of things we want to chase in our life those moments.
Yeah.
Yeah. And to me the biggest part of that that presence is the thing that I lose is the need to control.

(51:00):
And controls going to come from my imagine the need for controls and come from my imagination, or the more my past experiences and they're going to say this has to happen the expectation.
Yeah.
But when you like you said that surrender into the into this just that moment.
You know, like, one of the most magic, there is magic in the world, but it's not a spell you don't need a one like there is magic in observation.

(51:28):
Because observation collapses the infinite amount of realities that can be into the singular experience that we're having and we lose everything.
Yes.
Yeah.
And I think, you know, I think that's the place we want to be in more right so the question is how to get there and I think pursuing things that open you up and make you feel that way.

(51:53):
So you experience that more will make more of it everywhere else in your life right.
Because when I have those moments for me they're like with my cat in my garden, where I'm lost to myself. Then I can have it more in other areas in my life and it starts to grow.
But a lot of times people feel like they don't have time or they don't deserve to chase after these things that they love that fill them up.

(52:24):
Yeah, and we've been told that those those things are not the necessities of life.
Yeah.
And also like if you're a good parent like you better be spending that time with your kids and if you're a really good employee you need to be working overtime and if you're like we've made all these standards that take us away from that.
Yeah.
So it's one of the things that being open and vulnerable my kids I learned is sometimes they want to be left alone.

(52:52):
You know, like, I'll call I always had a problem if I called them and they didn't answer.
I flip the fuck out.
You know, like you have cell phone there's no reason why you should you know, and of course I'm ignoring all of the reasons why they may not be able to answer.
But now like, I'll try to call my daughter and like she won't answer.

(53:15):
You go kind, you know, because then I would start with the tax where are you because everything okay what's going on you know trying to force that control that connection.
And then like an hour later, I'll get a tax like I have a migraine right now so I just don't want to talk.
You know, oh, it's fine.
You know, and again like put making them more important than my uncomfortability.

(53:37):
Yeah, that's that's perfect and that's exactly what I was explaining about the way I was treating my dad right realizing like, oh, I'm trying to make you be a certain way.
Why don't you call me back right away why don't you see me this meantime right.
And that's not for me to decide.
Right.
And I think that's like the deepening of the next level of the relationship, even though it feels like distance. If, if you're the person who wanted more right it's actually getting you closer.

(54:06):
Like you're closer to your daughters for not chasing them down.
Because that doesn't feel good when you are having migraine or you're too overwhelmed to talk and someone's chasing you down.
Yeah, right. That's not building love right.
And it's hard times because when we love people and care about them. That can be the way that love manifests sometimes.

(54:32):
And that over controlling right.
Yeah, yeah, because I never did that out of hatred.
You know, it was out of like this is the way it should be this is, if you do this you'll be happy you'll be okay you'll be safe you'll be whatever the word is.

(54:54):
And that's in my mind, you know, one of the things I realized what Sandy is, I have a way to communicate love.
But since we're different people, she has a completely different way to communicate love.
You know, so the way I try to communicate love in the beginning by just gifts, you know, didn't matter to her.

(55:23):
To her, love meant listening.
Like, that's that wasn't my strong suit, you know, so she was giving this long list it's like, what do you offer your Christmas or birthday, you know, you give a list or whatever.
And then I would get her something that I thought she wanted.
And then she gets that she's like, you're not listening to me like what are you talking about, I am listening to you want gifts.

(55:49):
I want to get you a gift that I think would be amazing and I think would make you love me.
And she's like, but I didn't ask for that.
And I'm like, what the hell you talking, you know, and then realizing like, and now like me just hanging a towel up after I'm done with the dishes is the most amazing thing that I can do like to show her that I love her, you know, and it's it's like the weirdest thing.

(56:18):
So it's learning how the other person communicates and communicating like their way.
Yeah, I think that's also a really fun part of being in a relationship is figuring those things out and finding ways to love your partner that actually expand you because you learn to love in new ways.

(56:41):
Right. Like it's a double gift. It's not just that you're doing it for them. Like I know.
The ways like, you know, my husband loves sports so my interest in sports and watching games with him is a way I can love him.
Right. And the time that we spend together is so fulfilling for me and how I've learned to know him as a human and a man through his love of sports and how that connects to his childhood like, I could have missed all that.

(57:10):
Yeah.
You know, and how sad would that have been.
Yeah.
You know, so really me doing things for him or his way or loving him how he was a gift to me.
Yeah. Yeah, I remember that was one of the first lessons that really stuck in my head when I started the coaching thing was that we feel love in two ways like when someone gives it to us we feel it.

(57:41):
And when we give it to someone else.
You know, and the only way to ensure that we'll feel it is when we're giving it out.
Yeah.
You know, and when we, that was that was the key with me and Sandy when I stopped again telling her how I'm going to be different, whatever.
And I started acting different.

(58:03):
The way for her putting her ahead of me she thought she was flipping out like you're messing with my head like what are you're trying to make me think I'm crazy.
All this stuff.
I mean, she was like nuts.
And, and it took like a couple of days for her to come to this realization like, okay, things are different.
You know, and just I mean yesterday it's been six years from that point yesterday she's like, I still can't get used to the changes like that I don't need to be afraid.

(58:33):
Wow.
I make a mistake or I forget something or whatever.
Right, because that, you know, you guys were so young, I mean, that got programmed into her body that response living with that you and yeah, so it's going to take time, right?
That's how we work as humans.
And that's okay.
And maybe it'll go away someday maybe it won't but it's not a problem.

(58:58):
It's just what's happening.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So yeah.
I like the way this whole conversation touched on the subject set we wanted to talk about even though.
Yes, dude.
Like I'm like, well we never got into the topic but we totally covered the topic.

(59:20):
Yeah, because everything we talked about was all just about the like the difference between an expectation and an attention.
Yeah.
You know how much we attachment we have to even even those good intentions which which turn it into an expectation.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know what I would be really curious about is creating a list of things that people don't talk about like what we were discussing, like try to create a list of like, okay, you know how do you change your mind or how do you like what do you really do in the moment.

(59:57):
You know the kind of stuff that we get into here.
And I would say if listeners have an experience like that right but I just be curious what are those experiences that people here sort of like buzzwords for but it's never really explained.
Yeah, I love that.
You know, I think that is so important.

(01:00:20):
Yeah, because then maybe you and I could start doing like some videos or something on those types of topics to help people right because I actually thought of what when this thing happened with my dad and that was how to self manage after a conflict.
So I had a conflict.

(01:00:42):
I go home. First my brain is like, this is why you're right this is why you're right they'll see your right when they think about this they'll remember you said this and then they'll know you're right.
That is, that's where everybody goes right after a fight.
Totally not a useful place. That's never going to get you where you want to go. And for me that's where I used to stop. And I'd stay in that space for hours or days or whatever.

(01:01:07):
I was like, I'm not going to be active. So now here's my self management process that's happening. And I'm like, okay, come here like, you're angry. Yes, why are you angry well this isn't fair and this is okay right I listen to all my emotions.
Okay, when that's like settled down enough that's step one.
I try to see every possible story. What's the scenario of I'm the villain what's the scenario she's the villain what's the scenario from her point of view, like, as many as I can come up with.

(01:01:36):
And then step three is always the same I realized, all these stories hold a little bit of the truth. None of them are real and it doesn't matter what the story is.
So then, you know, I'm like, okay, what do I want to do now to get what I want in this reality, because it's either like an image either I'm going to leave the relationship or I'm going to put up this boundary with this person, or I need to fucking figure it out.

(01:02:05):
I'm not hurting. So there's not this conflict here, right. So what do I need to do. Do I need to tell myself a new story do I need more like more information what's happening for me so I can resolve this.
And I wish somebody would have told me about that process way back when so when I had fights with people I knew, okay first I'm going to do this then I'm going to do this.

(01:02:28):
Then I'm going to think about what I actually need to do to create the results I want.
Yeah, do that.
Everybody's process is probably a little different right but like that sort of thing.
Yes. And then that's why I truly believe I truly believe like what's missing is this foundational aspect of like the foundations of how our mind works not our brains but but our minds.

(01:02:56):
You know, understanding that we're not our thoughts. Okay, so if we're not then what the fuck are our thoughts, you know, like why are we different.
You know, how do you how do you begin to become the observer of your thoughts and to act from that level.
You know, processing like when there's conflict, like all of that stuff.

(01:03:20):
You know, how to put somebody else like first that whole paradox where you're not denying yourself.
Yes, but it's actually feeding you and not like emptying you like there's so much out there. That's not talked about.
Yeah, that that I think would change so many people's lives.

(01:03:42):
Yeah, I feel it's like the instruction manual on how to be human.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think especially for my autistic brain I'm like, yeah, just right like somebody write this down and give me a manual so I know how to deal with this fucking craziness consciousness and a human body with thoughts and emotions and physical needs and right like this is madness self management.

(01:04:07):
Right, right.
And learning how to do that is the number one tool you can have in your life.
Yeah, you know, when talking about it. So I guess we need to try to write an instruction manual.
Yeah. Yeah, we do we got to like title it something like you know, like whatever like the 10 steps like on transfer like yeah do do this do all this shit and life will be perfect.

(01:04:35):
Right.
That's the tagline do life will be perfect.
Yeah.
I love that. So funny.
Well, thank you for today. I really missed last week and I think it's good that we're doing every other week for a while to try to get more content out and more quality over quantity but I missed coming on last week.

(01:05:05):
Yeah, that yeah like I've grown to look forward to Friday so much.
I'm always amazed at where the conversation goes.
I was just telling my sister that on our walk this morning I told her our topic and how we come in really neither of us knowing the answer, like to a thing.
And then we just start talking and the intention somehow pulls a conversation in that direction even though we're not fucking controlling it.

(01:05:35):
Like it's exactly what we talked about. Right. Yeah, I was just thinking that.
I don't know how it works. I don't understand why I feel better and I feel more knowledgeable after we talk about the things we don't know.
Yeah.
Like so I pulled up this quote from

(01:05:57):
Deepak Chopra on this so he said and intention is simply a thought impulse which gives structure and direction to creative energy which I just love.
So it's like it because an impulse is like a flash.
You know and like control for me is like a light that's just constantly shining you know what I mean.

(01:06:22):
So he says it arises from a neutral state of awareness.
Expectation is a hope that something will happen.
It comes from an ego state that is identified or attached to the outcome.
Using intention allows you to remain detached from the outcome and therefore the process of manifestation helps your spiritual growth.

(01:06:43):
So all the things that you know like I'll say like even for this business like
I have an intention for this thing to be successful for it to grow for me able to be able to like sustain myself with this.
You know and then two days later I'm like, why don't I have $10 million Tony Robbins is rich, you know, and then I'm like I suck.

(01:07:09):
You know what I mean it's like, okay so so I don't have an intention I have I have this attachment to the outcome.
You know, and the same thing in our relationships, letting go which which I mean talk about vulnerability.
So that means that I could have went to my girls and known that they could have said you know what, fuck you and walked away.

(01:07:38):
And that's scary as hell and my brain is going to fight my mind is going to fight against that so much to the point where it will convince me not to fix things because the possible imaginative outcome is more painful than facing like the reality of the situation.

(01:08:01):
Yes. And sometimes that process can be so unconscious that you're only hearing the reasons your brain is giving you right like this is it.
So first it's like, even realizing oh I'm in the reasons that I'm in this like there's several levels of that self awareness to build and practice.
Yeah I mean we have we have the pain versus pleasure principle and that that happens on an unaware level because it's a survival mechanism.

(01:08:29):
I actually used that this week. Oh really. Yeah, like I want to tell you a story sorry to interrupt you.
I realized when I have a goal like working out or eating right.
And I'm thinking about how great I'm going to feel when I'm fit and blah blah blah.
I feel good.
And then the day comes and it's time to work out. I think about working out. And I don't really feel good.

(01:08:55):
I'm not eating a salad and I don't feel good. Right. So this last week, I just replaced it.
And when I was like, I'm not going to work out. I'm going and I thought about you were like, oh my gosh how great I'm going to feel when I'm healthy and I'm going to be able to do this and right.
And then the pleasure of it came back and it was easier to get on the treadmill.

(01:09:17):
And then my focus to like my result versus like my my current pain. Yes. And that's, dude, it's so funny because that story is the perfect example of what I was going to say, like, if we don't if we don't have the awareness we don't have the knowledge of oh that's
what it does, you know, it moves away from pain and towards pleasure, then it would just happen. And then I would go and lie or I would go and and you know, eat crap and not exercise and all that stuff where I'm actually causing more pain.

(01:09:50):
But we become the observer of our thoughts we can be like, Oh, I don't want to get on the treadmill instead I want to get me deep in a bag of Doritos.
And it's like because I see that is more pleasurable right now and I see the short term pain that that you know the tremors going to cause but oh my God dude when I'm like fit and I'm looking good and I'm feeling good and I'm feeling calm and now all of a sudden you're ramping up the

(01:10:16):
pleasure side, you can't do that if it happens automatically under the under under the under the radar.
That's where it's going to happen but you have to be able to observe it. Yes. Yeah. And then I want to say strong enough to choose it but that sounds bad, but there has to be an inner fortitude when you start choosing to be different.

(01:10:45):
That discipline or the personal growth and development path right if you're going after a goal or want some desire something in your life, you have to build that discipline that commitment that ability to choose another thought all of that.
Yeah.
You know, I just thought of and I don't know if this connects in any way but discipline has the board disciple on it I think and disciples like a follower.

(01:11:16):
Yeah.
And just being a follow of ourselves.
Yes, and in point discipline your disciples right which is like your actions and your functions to help you bring things into your life.
Yeah.
I really like thinking about it that way. I think that's really beautiful.

(01:11:37):
Yeah, that's pretty cool man. Yeah.
I was thinking earlier like, you know, I don't really believe in God and the devil anymore but growing up in that mythology.
If there is such a thing as the devil.
I think that it's that thing that keeps you from yourself.

(01:11:59):
You know, I think that's really important because you know, you know, you have to be able to be able to hear your voice and you can't be able to hear what those voices that you can't listen to your intuition you can't whatever that is.
That's what I would call the devil.
Yeah.
Because it's the thing in life that keeps people from truly having joy and peace and all the things that we deserve.

(01:12:23):
That's awesome. I love that. Yeah.
And that makes it easier for even easier for me not to listen to those thoughts because I'm like whoa, you're not doing many favors.
And that again it's something that is absolutely not talked about because it's something that is exploited how we feel about ourselves how we turn this world into a living hell is exploited with the promise of a paradise in another life.

(01:12:57):
You know, so who gives a shit about this one?
Who gives a shit how you treat people?
What you do.
Yeah.
You know, like one of the things I noticed.
And I don't know why I do this now but I just I just do.
It used to be like if I found like a bug in the house whatever you know you go get like a tissue or whatever you just grab it squish it flush it whatever.

(01:13:24):
Now I like get it to crawl on my finger and I bring it outside.
I don't know why I'm not saying like oh if you kill a spider you're wrong you're like not saying I just I don't know there's there's something more precious to life to me now.
Yes.
That like the more the more precious my life is to me the more precious every life is to me.

(01:13:50):
I agree. Same here. Yeah.
I think that's sort of that interconnectedness right recognizing like oh you're living thing just trying to make it on this planet too right and that very live and let live and yeah there's more grace and more appreciation.
Yeah.

(01:14:12):
Yeah, that's why.
So we just when I see people like with church or somebody like tries to you know whatever you know like the whole thing like well it's like it's the people it's not God so don't don't blame God for them like I'm not like I feel closer to God on this side of things because I

(01:14:36):
also I feel like I line up more with what Jesus actually said in his actions that I do this fear and anger that just stirs people up.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And I went to India for a couple weeks and I stayed in this ashram and it was really cool and they had all these different temples and it was beautiful, but they had a Jesus temple with like big pictures of Jesus, and it was so neat because everybody there was celebrating him, but from a place like you're

(01:15:12):
like he represented love and like all the it wasn't bastardized in the American way that I had previously seen Jesus presented and it was just all love and beauty and it was so shocking to me to find that in India.
Right like in this place where they don't even know who Jesus is but they actually did and they had a whole temple devoted to him and I thought it was so cool.

(01:15:36):
And I'm not in times like I've heard creatures like make fun of India or something because it's it's like you know what I was so dirty and you got cows walking around and people starving they're too stupid to even eat the cat like whatever and stuff and then they're
in India they're celebrating Jesus.
Acceptance.
And then here we are Sunday morning and myself righteousness shitting all over all these like an attack on the people.

(01:16:04):
And then, right and thinking that I'm more godly for it.
Knowing that God, you know, me and see we're just talking about this.
Not like because because we'd be like knowing that God is proud of us.
You know, and out of all the verses and I never heard.

(01:16:25):
As far as I remember any preaching on this and it's in Proverbs which was supposedly written by Solomon the wisest man that's ever lived.
But it said, these six things that God hate, yay seven are an abomination.
Right so now with all these people standing up letting us know why God hates us and why God hates all these different groups and and specific health care stuff and all this stuff.

(01:16:54):
You know, here's a list that Solomon the wisest man that ever lived said these are the things that God hates and I'm going to add one more that makes everything an abomination to him.
Number one, it's got to be abortion right or it's got to be, you know, being gay right a proud look.

(01:17:18):
And that's all you see is pride in that I'm better than you you're wrong.
I hate the center or I hate or I hate the sin but love the center, even though you're screaming in their face how wrong they are and how God hates them and how God sent him to hell.
Number two, a lying tongue.

(01:17:42):
Like, automatically we're all pieces of shit.
Number three hands that shed innocent blood but then Jesus went ahead and said anybody that hates somebody in their hearts has art committed murder already.
Well I guess we'll save that for another Sunday, you know, we won't.
This Sunday we'll just talk about how, how, you know, anybody that's gay is going to you know, God's going to blow up the earth, you know, to punish everybody because of that like.

(01:18:15):
Yeah, it's really unfortunate and it'll be interesting to see like, you know, in another thousand years like if we still exist.
How does Christianity arc as a religion right because we've had religions that have lived and died and like, will Christianity continue for another thousand 2000 years is this the falling apart of something that existed once right like I'm just curious if you think about religions

(01:18:42):
and the myths that we tell ourselves about why we're here and right or wrong good or bad I think it's just interesting to see how they weave through human culture and I'm curious about Christianity.
Yeah, it'll be really interesting the evolution that it takes how it changes.
Right because it's either going to be right and people are going to get raptured and other people are going to heaven hell it's going to be over.

(01:19:07):
Or it's not right and someday will die off or have a second uprising or reiteration right and go through history like all of the other religions.
Yeah.
That's why I've been getting into like stories on near death experiences.
Because when I was like deep Christian like I was scared to death of dying.

(01:19:32):
Oh yeah.
Yeah, it like haunted me.
Um,
dude, you know what you know I was just thinking of.
And I know like we've seen like kind of turns from like all this stuff, but just talking about the experiences that shape up shape us and all that stuff is going to shape our intentions our expectations like how we how we see everything in the world and what we do.

(01:19:58):
When I was a kid, and I'm talking like 12 years old.
I would get saved about 300 times a year.
Because anytime that I felt unsaved, I would be like, Oh my God, I'm going to go to hell.
And I'm scared of dying. And then you would hear these stories of like my aunt's cat got cancer. And I know that's because God's punishing me because of a sin in my life.

(01:20:24):
You know,
so I need to change so that my aunt's cat will be healed.
And
damn it.
Like,
Oh, yeah. So I would get saved like like 300 times a year and and and I started to think at like 12 years old.

(01:20:50):
You know, in the in the Baptist that I was, we were once saved always saved.
And there's one person that will be born that will never get saved.
And that's the anti Christ.
Like the that's not even like an option, you know what I mean, because that's what it is. And I started to think 12 fucking years old.

(01:21:12):
Could I be the anti Christ?
Like, is it is it impossible for me to get saved?
Am I just evil incarnate?
Yeah, what a heavy, heavy fucking thought for a 12 year old to have.
Like that. So I mean, at 12 you don't really have a very small perspective on the world, right? And I thought that big that's why they're life changing to us those thoughts because

(01:21:41):
yeah, in the scope of our lives, we don't have that much to compare it to and it's just mose us over when we believe something like that.
I mean, our identity is not fully formed yet for like another fucking decade from 12, you know, and I'm sitting there, building the, the, the like, the nitty gritty on like the rebar of the foundation of my identity with I am the anti Christ.

(01:22:08):
It's impossible for me to get saved because I always feel unsaved.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's crazy.
Yeah, I also, every time they do the prayer, I always said it, like, you know, when you're at camp or church or something and they do like, I'll say it every single time when I was a kid, like baptism like I'll do it again.

(01:22:30):
Like, I was about to ask how many times I just also felt this need of like, oh my God, I better. And I remember, they said like, if you eat communion, but you've done it with like something bad in your heart.
Yeah. And so every time communion came, I was like, oh, mother fuckers or something. I don't know about what something's like, this is going to be the time like, dude, like so scared that that was going to happen to me.

(01:22:58):
And think about where I'm right like an evil I didn't know.
And think about how messed up if that was true, how messed up God is because that means your last meal is this like saliva sucking fucking cracker that you got to like choke down.
It is the worst last meal and then because you eat this this dried out cracker, you fall over that.

(01:23:25):
Yeah.
Yeah, that's wild.
And I think that's one of the things about the way that modern Christianity describes God I'm like, I wouldn't want to believe in a God like that.
But it does not line up at all with the type of the creator of the universe as I see it.

(01:23:47):
It's he's very small.
Yes. Yeah, very small.
Yeah, that's kind of why I guess that if Christianity is not real, and it's just going to go.
It might be towards the end of its cycle and human evolution and that people might come up with something that is more beautiful more loving and more inclusive, some kind of connection some kind of religion that there will be a new version of that soon.

(01:24:14):
Like, can't you see where that would be true given society's place right now.
Yeah, I definitely, I definitely see that.
Because I think that more and more like I read it or I didn't understand the article like I read the words but couldn't understand anything but it was scientists believe or there's a new theory that scientists believe that consciousness comes from a different dimension.

(01:24:43):
And, and this is like a legit science article, like it's in, you know what I mean, like I'm like, what the fuck.
So, more and more we're going we're seeing that spirituality is not an option in life it just is.
Yes.
And,

(01:25:05):
I don't believe
the only way for for us to to continue to exist is to learn to be good to do good, you know, because when it's all about me when it's that selfishness.
And when it's like I'm willing to step on other people destroy other people all of that stuff.

(01:25:31):
Horde everything society will eat itself.
Like you can't trust somebody that does that to a massive people to then say but I won't do that to my group. No because once that massive people will be what is gone.
You know there's there's never a shortage of others.
And if others are gone then the people in this circle now others start to appear. We got to get rid of them. You know, and that's one of the things like Steven Greer talks about, you know from that movie on acknowledged is is is aliens don't have this nefarious thing

(01:26:07):
there's nothing that we need to protect ourselves from, you know, they have such advanced technology they can take us out at any time they want.
And so why allow us to gain technology so that we can actually like put up a fight.
Right. You know what I mean, instead of just take us out now, you know.

(01:26:28):
So his his whole thing is it's just about that awakening into living into consciousness. And, and I don't think that bad is a part of that.
Yeah, I think you're absolutely right that the next uprising will be, whether it's like no edicts right but it's like science and spirituality merged where we realize that there actually is sort of a oneness right with nature and the world and who we are and who you are and who I am so that when I'm being

(01:26:58):
unselfish and giving to you I'm actually giving to me right when I that whole like bigger concept. I think that if we are to survive I think that will be the next sort of adoption that we take for our story about why we're here and how we operate in the spiritual sense, because
the Christianity story isn't.

(01:27:19):
It's not really holding up to what we know about the world today.
And if I remember back in the in the late 80s and 90s in Sunday school.
I remember we had we had this dude, the Sunday School teacher we loved because he was just like a regular guy you know, and, and he said like he said one day they are going to discover that there's aliens, and he said and he's in fact his prediction was that's what was going to happen.

(01:27:46):
So Christians are going to be raptured a spaceship was going to land and the anti Christ was going to walk out because we were pre pre tribulation wrap right.
So if anybody doesn't know there's like pre tribulation mid tribulation post tribulation.
We believed in the pre.
So, and he was and he was going to usher in the three and a half years of peace.

(01:28:12):
And now the Pentagon puts out like, Hey, look, there's UFOs.
And because he said like it will, it'll destroy Christianity because if there are other species out there, did Jesus die on their planet, or was like our planet like good enough for every species in the universe.

(01:28:37):
Or do they have Jesus.
You know, so.
The fullness of the story is exposed.
If that happens, right. Yeah.
Right.
So, and I'm just like, it's just common. It's common now to turn on the news be like, Oh, there's lights all over New York or something like I just saw the other day there was like lights in New Mexico and New York, whatever.

(01:29:00):
And it's like what happened like nobody gives a shit to like there's aliens like nobody cares.
I'm like, I that I did not expect at all.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, I want to, before I forget pitch this really great podcast I listened to this last week. And it was a physicist and I'll link it below.

(01:29:25):
And so he spent, you know, a good part of his adult life, believing that all there was was the physical world, and his work was to prove why that was true.
Right.
And so he was like, well, published guy, you know, all these different papers and contributions.
And then one night, he wakes up in the middle of the night, and he experiences like this huge like light, white light and energy coming out of his chest.

(01:29:52):
And then it connects him to everything in his room and he just feels oneness and connected and like knows the answers to everything like all this is why it is.
And then he just feels like he's feeling stops. So then he dedicates like the next 20 years of his life to trying to understand consciousness, and that experience, and he actually tried to program computers to be conscious because he said, if what

(01:30:17):
physics, what physics is saying is true and it's just this equals this right this means this, then we should be able to program it.
And there's something else here because we're not right. And so he's done all this work to try to identify like what is that thing. And for me it's really cool because I usually come at it from like an experiential heart place.
So I like listening to people coming at it from the science like mental understanding place.

(01:30:42):
This experience is right so I really enjoy those kinds of conversations that was really like high scientists talking about this work that they're doing it's fascinating.
Yeah. And that's one of the things like like you said like having like coming from it from the experiential place because like, that's I love the freedom and I know like people can look at me and be like well you don't have the credentials to talk about like well I'm not coming at it as an expert.

(01:31:08):
I'm just coming at it as like a person that loves studying this stuff so like I'm looking at the studies that are being done and the stuff that's coming out and you know and stuff and trying to learn as much as I can and then having the freedom from the from that rigorous
scientific restraints to be able to then daydream about this.

(01:31:29):
Yes. Yeah.
There is one way in which I think you and I are both uniquely qualified.
And that is because we both do a lot of personal growth work right like a huge percentage of the population isn't aware of how to do that work doesn't have the courage to do that work isn't in a safe enough space to do that work doesn't have enough

(01:31:56):
time and ask the work to job so they never find that what right like I don't want to I don't know if it's 10% 20% what it is but a small amount of people have dedicated the number of years that you and I have of looking at ourselves.
So I think that is the biggest like expertise that we bring to the table is like oh I've been doing this for years. Let me tell you how it works for me right because something I say is going to trigger you to find your own recipe when I share my experience of this.

(01:32:27):
Right.
Right.
The only way that we can do that is because we've walked that terrain, a bunch of times.
Right.
Yeah, I agree with that 100%.
Yeah, ownership for that right because that wasn't something I valued about myself previously.
Yeah, or I actually saw it as a negative I was like yeah you've been fucked up all your life. What are you gonna do like you tried to make the best out of being fucked up.

(01:32:55):
But now I'm like, oh wait no that's not the story. The story is I am a seeker and I am consciousness and this body wants to see itself, and I am at its service to look at itself, and I can share that with other people and not fucking switch in my story changed my life.
Yeah, I love that dude. I love that because like you said like that that I've been fucked up for so long like like to like that's the monster that that scares the shit out of you.

(01:33:27):
Yes.
And then when like I'm a seeker and now all of a sudden like, you know I just like in my head I like the picture that pops up is that what was his name Rodney, the dude with the gray here in the beard that gives like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I love him.
Oh yeah like like the monster become like it looks like him you know what I mean like somebody's like just funny.

(01:33:51):
Fucking hysterical you know like but it changes the whole perspective, and it's still there, you know you went through the trauma. That's not good, but you've, you've, what's the word alchemize that you've turned it.
That's actually one of my favorite words and my favorite concepts that I think comes the closest to trying to explain this is like alchemy and try and how are you your own alchemist in here how do you learn to change anger into peace how right that process.

(01:34:25):
But that process and what's available is kind of shallow there's so a lot not a lot of information out there about it right it doesn't really quite capture it.
I do.
That is such like a cool thing I never really thought about it before but I mean it's all about like turning every day objects into gold. You know, especially like in a time where, you know, everything was like manifest destiny so you know, God, gold and glory, you know I mean the most precious thing on this earth, gold.

(01:34:59):
And at one time, you know, in the trooper and islands would have been seashells, you know, the shell that they would trade, you know, so it's it's turning those everyday experiences into magic.
Yes.
You know, of sitting in your garden, you know, of talking to a fucking tree. You know, just being in the woods like I was watching watching this and carry a dead spider for like for like 20 minutes it was just fascinating to me.

(01:35:32):
Just turning a normal everyday experience into something magical.
And as you get better at it, like this week, like I said, I was so successful I felt so great about slowing down and being more present with my life.
But that's what we're talking about usually I hate doing the dishes so much. Right and I'm like this wastes time is waste time is waste time I need to do this fucking faster like I don't know why that's just where I go when I do dishes.

(01:35:59):
And this time I was like, I'm gonna be really present with this right.
And then I'm all like, oh man this water feels so nice.
And then I was like, oh the dishes are done.
Yeah.
And it was quick and fast, and it didn't take anything away from me and it was so surprising and
I did that member I think I mentioned on the last show that I wanted to do that with my meals because I usually eat while I'm working or while I'm trying to watch an educational thing or, and this time I sat down with no screens.

(01:36:30):
I ate every meal that way this week and the amount of reverence that that brought to my life is shocking me.
That's big man.
Yeah, it really kind of like I don't even believe it yet I'm like wait all I had to do is slow down a little bit.

(01:36:58):
Yeah, but you're moved all those distractions of things telling you what's important.
And then like you said like having that reverence.
I mean that such an incredible word like for yourself.
Yep.
I'm not get less work done. Like I'm today's Friday and I'm still going to complete the tasks that I set out to complete. So this story I had been telling myself about not having time to be present or obviously what's not true.

(01:37:32):
I mean like all the stories I hear about it's turning lead into gold. So led the most common substance. Yes, walk around life like everything is just just another common day doing common things.
But turning just eating something that saw as a chore into the most precious thing this goal that led into gold man that's crazy.

(01:37:56):
And I think you've ever heard the Louis C cave it where he talks about people in a plane and he goes every human in a plan should be like, oh my god.
You're, you're on a chair in the sky.
Yeah, yeah.
I should be really right and instead people are there going like my fucking internet won't load and like my chairs to like stiff and rich is bitchy. While you're experiencing the miracle of light.

(01:38:27):
Right. Like, and that's what you're talking about is like getting in touch with like, no this is miraculous. I'm traveling across the country to see somebody in five hours.
You take somebody three lifetimes to get that's amazing. Yeah, yeah, we should all be up there like singing that Aladdin song, you know, like, yeah, you know, this is fun. Yeah.

(01:38:49):
But it's nothing but but issues.
Man.
But for some reason this sort of being in our world is seen like being you're the court jester or something.
It's very weird how our culture perceives this sort of living. Yeah, if you're a joke.

(01:39:14):
It's like, I guess I am.
Yeah.
It feels fucking good over here guys.
I mean, just the freedom that we all have.
Like, we all can meet at the same park.
You know, and you could be right in.
When you described your bike you reminded me of, do you remember in the Muppet the Muppet movie when Kermit the Frogs riding that bike.

(01:39:39):
You know, you could be sitting there at the frog in all around the park. I could be I could be just sitting there like smoking weed and practicing my like my my beginner tide she you know somebody could be crane kicking on a stump somewhere.
Who gives you shit we all have the freedom to do whatever we want to do.

(01:40:04):
Yeah, I love when I see people out fully expressing themselves. There's a park right across the street from my house and it has like a two mile paved loop in it so I'm there a lot.
And the roller derby team practices there so chicks on roller skates go around and skateboarders are there right like like you're saying all these different people and I guess I've never spent that much time in a public park like where I go walking every day.

(01:40:30):
It is so delightful just because of what you're saying like people are expressing themselves and there's, you know, like, is it piccolo like what's that new popular game there's courts and there's oh yeah yeah pickleball.
Yeah, it's just so fun. I love it. Yeah.
And I especially love somebody like speedos and a bright green ting top or something like, like, you go. That's awesome. Yeah, man. Yeah.

(01:41:02):
But everything is about conforming.
You know, to what and for what.
Who fucking knows bad.
Right. But the story that's sold is if you don't conform, you're going to end up on loved homeless and on the street. Yeah.
And that is a frightening story so right or you're going to end up in hell or you're going to end up right there's all these really scary stories that keep us conformed.

(01:41:30):
Yeah.
Yeah.
Which I guess I mean they've been using that from the beginning of time I mean Grims fairy to know where we're just like horror stories to teach kids not to suck their thumbs or something you know, we just grew up as adults believing on.
It's a trip huh.
I mean, if I if I go out was it from practical jokers Brian Quinn, like he said, you see someone walk out of a hotel where we're in a robe he goes you either think this guy is crazy, or this guy has it all figured out.

(01:42:03):
And I'm like, I do like.
I mean, I hate wearing jeans and like, in fact, my friend Danielle like one of the first times I started working with her when I first started this she was like so why you wearing jeans.
Like, so you got to do, you know, and now I just wear beach pants.
You know, everywhere and in the winter I'm like, I just got long johns go up underneath them do like, I'm just wearing my beach pants like they're the most comfortable things do.

(01:42:31):
Right.
Just.
It doesn't like I said if somebody's judging you about it like you're like, dude you're not over here.
You're like, comfortable. I'm fucking feeling great right now so judge me all you want.
I'm sorry, right I'm sorry you're not over here with me where it feels fucking good.

(01:42:53):
Yeah, dude yeah.
I'm like, I'm just wearing my beach pants.
All for that conformity like we all got to be the same way doing the same thing, you know, just the machine man.
Yeah, and it shows up in all these little nuanced ways right in different areas of our lives and not all the joy life just passes by like, you know, like a little like a leaf on a breeze that just flies right by you don't even notice it.

(01:43:22):
I think that's why I love stories like fantasy fiction stories because it's like there's a magical world with ours we just can't see it. And there kind of is right like yeah it's not portrayed by fairies and stuff like that but there is a magic that exists in our world everywhere.
Yes.
And that is so cool and that's I think why I'm just drawn to that genre, because I want to find more of it.

(01:43:51):
Yeah, yeah. And I believe that there is so much more out there.
You know I believe that if we if we had the ability to just glimpse reality as it is it would like I don't think our brains would be able to handle what we would say.
No.
I don't think so either. Yeah, we're given this little tiny bit to play around with.

(01:44:16):
That's all this this human body can take right. Yeah.
Yeah.
Very cool man.
What are you doing this weekend you got any plans.
Well normally we play pool Friday nights but we have a week off this week so like me and say they're just like we are just relaxing so my plan is to smoke a literal butt ton of weed.

(01:44:46):
I'm a bunch of stuff and like I finally have like a plan moving forward for the business so I finally got one part of that plan accomplished. And I have so many videos on my phone and I'm like, I'm going through everything getting them all off you know stuff like that and I don't even know if
I have like sense anymore half of them, but start putting that up and then after that I'm going to announce the next steps in my plan and actually start marketing myself.

(01:45:17):
I love that I'm so excited for that. I'm glad you are because I am scared shite less man.
I love that. I love that. Yeah, you know I, a lot of my clients I sort of like diminished my load for summer, and I haven't picked it back up yet, partially because I'm not sure what's happening with the business with my sister and marketing and trying to

(01:45:42):
understand those pieces, but also because I feel like I'm going through a huge change in here. Yeah.
The next version of how I show up with my next clients is going to be different because of that and I'm not quite.
I'm going to quite ready right I'm not quite on the other side of my own growth to start taking on clients again, but I'm really excited like you said like, I'm close, I feel it right but then how do I manifest it into new marketing and words and pictures and how do I communicate it.

(01:46:13):
I'm not there yet.
Yeah, it's almost like you like having the experience, but not knowing how to put it into word yet.
Not knowing how to create a message around that yet. Yeah, right how to explain what you're offering so that you can attract the right clients.
Getting clients is about getting clients who are ready for the process you're providing.

(01:46:36):
Correct.
Right so they have to be able to read something and self assessed. That sounds like something that would benefit me.
Right, right.
But that's really hard to communicate.
It is dude. Yeah.
Yeah, I think so too that's an area where I'm growing.
Yeah, in fact soon. I haven't decided like when I'm going to do it but I have two, two mushroom bars left.

(01:47:03):
So that's about eight, eight grams and before like the last hiking days and stuff because like fall is coming fast man.
I'm going to go out to my special spot and do all eight grams and like that that's going to be the purpose of it is like going deep and discovering like that that message.

(01:47:29):
Yeah.
And then my sister and I have a plan to do that together for this business that we're entertaining this idea of been trying to build is I'm going to sleep over at her house, we're going to smoke a ton of weed right we're going to have some drinks and just let that flow happen as much as possible right and the crazy brainstorming and the literal pipe dreams in right because that's the place we want to start with right is that like juicy place where like what are we both dreaming

(01:48:00):
with this business with our lives how are we going to, you know, wind it together and weave this together.
And then we'll get to the practical stuff about marketing or that but like that's the foundation. And so I'm just so excited because what a cool experience to do that with your with my sister right and really learn to know her better and co create like that like I'm really excited about that it's going to be a juicy

(01:48:29):
business. Yeah, that's really cool I'm like, I'm like envious of that like I've never had someone to like go do mushrooms with. Yeah, you know, and, and like I want that, like so bad like I think it would just be like a whole different experience.
Yeah, I've done it with like close friends where it's just like let's get to know each other deeper, but never in a co creation where it's like we're here right like we're both going to look inside ourselves and then bring it out.

(01:48:59):
Right.
Here it and yeah so it's going to be really cool I don't I don't know I mean my husband and I do that, but outside of that relationship I don't do it with anybody else so.
That is cool man. One of these days dude, one of these days we're going to end up meeting up and we're like our own mushroom retreat like we'll just do mushrooms for seven days straight.

(01:49:26):
I would love to do bigger retreat type things like that but they're expensive. And so that's something I would like to manifest more money for. I was listening to a podcast the other day where he said it was a retreat where you went for like it was like seven days 12 days or 21 days, and you
were like anybody else. It's just a silent retreat you're like in a beautiful place and you have all. I don't know exactly how it works. But I'm like, I could find that valuable like deep silence.

(01:49:57):
Yeah.
I mean, you know, that's like, it's like thousands of dollars to do this kinds of things. But when I think about being wealthy I think about being able to afford things like that for my own health and wellness and expansion of being like to me that would be my next level of wealth is right now.
I've achieved well, to the extent that I make my own schedule I work from home I have time to walk right like that is a well, the next level of this well is being able to afford retreats and like the bigger external stuff that I want to learn and become.

(01:50:33):
Yeah. Yeah, I agree with you mean Sandy we're just talking about that today.
Because I may be doing an ayahuasca retreat.
And I but I have to find out the prices.
I did see one, it was to go down to a laxica Mexico where Maria Sabina her grandson is a shaman there and you would have a private mushroom ceremony with him and his wife.

(01:51:02):
And that was only 1500 bucks.
I don't think that included plane tickets but
I was like wow that's not what I've been seeing like I mean like at least five grand.
You know and I'm not like into like, like I don't want to go to a resort.
Right. You know I want to go to the people that have been doing this there and their ancestors have been doing this for thousands of years.

(01:51:30):
Yeah. You know. So yeah, so I'm gonna I'll find out I'll find out this weekend if that's going to be a go and
I'm so it's so hard like talk about like not attaching an expectation or specific outcome to it. Like I already know if I'm like all right this is the price and me and Sandy are talking about it she's like, I don't think financially this is something we should do right now I already I already know you know we do anything.

(01:51:58):
I don't want to do you know what I mean like I'm gonna fucking out dude.
But yeah, but I mean I mean if not like it's going to happen at some point, but I don't want to go to Dubai. I don't want to like go look at all these like million dollar cars like I want to go to a jungle or something and you know to I was good stuff and explore myself more.

(01:52:24):
Yeah, there's a place that does ayahuasca retreats, or about four hours from here for ourself so I have a lot of friends that go one friend in particular who has gone. I think it's every three months for like the last thing she's been three or four times now.
And it's a two day thing.
You do the medicine both days and then around that they just make sure like your needs are taken care of right.

(01:52:51):
What challenges me about that idea is being around other people.
Yeah, yeah.
That's really difficult for me like if I was totally by myself I'd be like that sounds great just me and a practitioner.
But, and I asked my friend about it and she said, you don't even know, and they tell people you're not here to interact with other people so when somebody's in their experience don't disrupt their experience.

(01:53:17):
Right.
So, I'm not going to be in your experience. So no one's going to bother me but for some reason I'm still uncomfortable with that element and I'm trying to explore exactly what that is inside of me.
I'm right there with you.
Yeah.
I'm just even thinking about going on this one like, like my eating habits because I am such a picky eater which from what I've read is like, like an autism sign.

(01:53:49):
It's embarrassing to me.
Yeah.
You know, fact, there's there's there's cannabis groups in Connecticut.
They go on hikes and for every mile they walk they smoke a joint, you know, they'll do beach cleanups like all kinds of stuff.
And I've always wanted to like go but if I don't smoke out of a pipe.

(01:54:11):
I cough so much like my brother makes fun of me so bad because like, we had a little family thing we were sharing a joint and like, I don't know why but I'll cough to the point like where I gag.
And like, I'm like, oh, I'm embarrassed.
Yeah.
Like I'm a week and a week smoker man, you know, but like we talked about right.

(01:54:36):
Is that thought really true is it serving you what's what's it costing you to think that.
Yeah.
And that like a thought like that. I'm like, Oh, what am I going to eat like dude, I was in the army, like, it's not like they like a waiter came around and be like what would you like today sir, you know, it was like here's your food.
I've never heard of chicken a la king.

(01:54:57):
And I ended up loving that having it for like every other day, you know, I mean, because they just kept serving it.
Just chicken slop, you know, and then just eating like when we went to Bosnia, like having like MREs, which are freaking disgusting.
But I've been in those situations before and nothing ever happened, but then thinking about going to a different country with different foods.

(01:55:24):
I'm like, Oh my God, what am I going to eat? Like am I going to have to sneak in like one suitcase filled with boxes of Teddy Grahams, just so I will also be able to survive and not starve to death, you know, like,
so ridiculous and then end up missing something like that just because of that fear.
I think there was a funny story about one of the Beatles. I can't remember which one where he would travel with like a suitcase full of canned beans, because he couldn't handle the food.

(01:55:53):
And so all he would eat was canned beans. I'll have to internet it and see if I can link it below and see if it's a true story. I don't remember where I heard it.
Oh yeah, yeah, that's great. That's so funny.
It's kind of what you're talking about, right? Like that like,
it just like beans wouldn't work for me.

(01:56:15):
Yeah, so like when I was a kid, like we would have hot dogs and beans, right? And it would be like this big plate of beans with cut up hot dogs in it.
Yeah.
And I,
my family makes fun of me so bad. So how big is a bean like that? Like it's the smallest thing.
I would cut it with a knife, not in half. I would like, I mean, I would like make the thinnest slices and eat that.

(01:56:44):
Like, and even when I did, I would put it, I would just touch my tongue and I'd be like, oh, it was so bad.
To the point like my parents took me to a doctor, like something wrong with this kid. And they did this whole thing and they said like there's, there's, I don't know what it is, like my gag reflex.
So, it's like, oh my God. Yeah. Like, like he said, like a thought would make him just right. So even just thinking about eating the bean, he can't control this.

(01:57:16):
That's fascinating.
Yeah. So yeah. So in fact, this at Sandy and Ruth's birthday party, my brother was telling the story about me sitting at the table cutting my beans up into little slices and then just gagging like crazy.
Because in the olden days, parents were taught you should force your kids to eat things because

(01:57:37):
Yes.
That was the old theory of thought. That's not the theory of thought with kids anymore. Right. Like they've realized those kinds of things create eating disorders.
You don't force somebody to eat something like you said that you're having a reaction to.
Yeah.
I never even knew.

(01:57:58):
I mean, we all sit around at a family reunion and we're all talking and my family, we like make fun of each other a lot, you know, but it's not like being me and we're all just laughing at our own.
And my eating habits came up.
And my mom just like goes,

(01:58:20):
that's just because that's just because you're autistic. Right. And she had never said that before.
Are you serious? She's like, yeah, I've looked into like you're eating and I'm like, what do you, and I looked it up.
You have picky eaters. Right.
You have people that are over the top picky eaters and like you, I can go to a therapist to help me with this and it's therapists that deal with autism.

(01:58:45):
Right. Because the signals your brain is getting whenever this flavor or touch texture or whatever it is that doesn't work for you. Right.
That's real and happening for you. It's not like you're just being picky or choosing not to like something. Right. You have this physical reaction happening in your body.
And that we have to like, that's legitimate. Right.

(01:59:10):
Yeah, I do.
Yeah.
I was like, I'm gonna be a black bearer. Yeah, black bearer once. And I didn't know like, as soon as those things hit your tongue, they just disintegrate into nothing into the slime.
And I was like, oh, that's good. No, then it happened. I was like, I couldn't swallow like if my life depended on it. Right. Right. Yes.

(01:59:33):
Or, oh, Sandy was cracking up.
She was like, can you just try one more please. I just want to see that happen again.
You know what your family would be really good at is a roast. You know, like comedic roasted for my brother in law. I can't remember what was his 40th or his 50th.
My sister organized all his friends in the family to like do a roast and they had him sit up on a chair. Right. And everybody came up and just, you know what a roast is, but your family seems like the type that has that kind of sense of humor where you could do it without

(02:00:07):
anybody getting hurt. Right. Because it's in good spirit. Yeah. Yeah, that would be that would be so funny. Yeah, because even even now, like we got big on like white elephant Christmas, you know, like so Christmas Eve Christmas
day, but then we have like a day specifically for the white elephant. And I make shirts based off of saying things my dad says throughout the year.

(02:00:33):
And like last year was my dad said something my mom's like that's not true. My dad goes, well allow me to shut the hell up.
So that I put that on a shirt.
Love that. That's the kind of shirt you should be selling. That is so funny.
Yeah, dude.
You can get ideas for your merch with old shirts you've probably already had made.

(02:00:58):
Oh yeah, yeah.
I said that that's freaking hilarious.
Yeah, then what did he say was like, because I'll turn everything into a story, but my mom had a hip replacement and she was like using the bathroom and like so when I had my hip replacement you got to get like a toilet seat that's high.

(02:01:20):
And their toilet was is like for some reasons very low. So even with like the extension whatever on it like it was still too low.
And my dad's like you're not even trying you're not trying so I can't with this saying like don't tell me you can't when you're trying to use the can.
I made a t shirt with like that saying on it you know I quote my dad so I put like you know William F. Dosh on it you know.

(02:01:46):
Yeah, so yeah all my dad's kind of like that Rodney guy.
Like you could make your dad famous by selling t shirts of his saying everybody.
I love that that is awesome. That is so funny.
Well I think I'm going to go clean my house today which is something I love to do. And tomorrow we're having a little get together with friends and my garden is just like, we're gonna rad.

(02:02:18):
And so I want everybody to come over have like a little garden party and you would love it I have all these little solar lights. So like as soon as the sun starts to go down players like these little spotlights and different colors and there's like a long track of mushroom lights that like light up
through the flowers like I just have it so like decked out to be cool and like vibe in and so I want all of my people to come over and experience my garden, you know so we're going to do a little party here on Saturday nights I'm going to prep for that.

(02:02:51):
You know what you got to do one day because I think it would be right up your alley to do a Dwight Schrute garden party.
Oh yeah that's such a good idea.
I think I'm gonna have somebody announcing. Yeah that book that Jim wrote you just have somebody announcing when everybody comes in who and like how important the R is how loud they yell.
I freaking love that idea. I'm totally going to do that that's so awesome. Do you remember.

(02:03:17):
Was it the movie the office with like Jennifer Aniston.
Oh yeah yeah yeah yeah.
Well in that movie they have like pieces of flair like buttons to remember that my friend came dressed as that to a party where he just had like all these buttons and like a uniform was so cool.

(02:03:39):
I love silly stuff like that that's my plan for my next birthday thanks Keith. I'll have a.
Like do the dance.
Yeah that whole yeah I'm going to re watch those episodes now.

(02:04:01):
Well Keith it was awesome to see you today. I had super fun.
It was cool. Nothing that we expected but yeah I went and went a cool way man. Really cool. So I will see you on Monday and we'll see everybody else in two weeks. Well we don't know our posting might be a little different.

(02:04:23):
We will update on on that because we're going to do it every while but then it'll end up being every other week at some point as our recording schedule changes. Yeah yeah.
Sounds good. Well have a nice weekend. All right you too. I am going to stop this.
Thank you so much for joining us. We are so grateful for all of our listeners.

(02:04:51):
Please support us in doing what we love. It's as simple as hitting that like or subscribe button. It would really mean a lot to us. Thanks guys and we'll see you next week.

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Chasing Thoughts | S03 E08: Those Things We Don’t Talk About

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Chasing Thoughts | S03 E08: Those Things We Don’t Talk About