August 16, 2024 • 73 mins
In this new episode of Chasing Thoughts, hosts Mindy and Keith dive deep into the journey of self-exploration and personal growth. They explore why passion alone isn't enough to drive meaningful change and discuss the importance of experimenting with oneself to truly understand what works. Mindy and Keith emphasize the power of patience and the dangers of rushing transformation, reminding us that change is always possible if we stay true to our unique expression of life.
They also touch on the creation of new belief systems, the importance of where we focus our energy, and the need to align our actions with our authentic selves. Whether you're at the beginning of your self-growth journey or already on the path, this episode offers valuable insights on how to stay centered and embrace the continuous process of becoming.
And as always, please like and subscribe đź‘Ť
Chapters
00:00:00 Introduction
00:03:07 It’s not enough to just have passion
00:07:27 Know Thyself podcast
00:13:26 Experimenting on ourselves
00:17:19 Don’t rush change
00:20:49 Changing belief systems
00:27:28 New belief systems we want to create
00:35:41 Misconceptions about anxiety
00:38:23 Change is always possible
00:46:27 Energy goes towards our focus point
00:54:39 Stay true to you’re expression of life
Show Notes:
If you would like to know more about the Know Thyself Podcast:
https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLcdXvEekPv1GRqbvjVf41TrYQhjHRO1_q
Don't remember to check out the book Biology of Belief by Eric Lipton
And if you want to check out the SNL skit—Why did you say it:
If you would like to know more about Mindy or Keith you can find them here:
Mindy Aisling (@mindyaisling)
Keith Dauch (@mastercheeseee)
More on Chasing Thoughts:
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
What is my next challenge in daring to be human?
(00:07):
How do I connect with life?
How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?
How do I live free from the experiences that shaped me?
How can we be the change the world needs right now?
Join us weekly for story conversations about life.
It is our mission to allow life itself to reveal to us the answers.
(00:35):
Welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Hi everybody, welcome to season three, episode two of the Chasing Thoughts podcast.
Damn.
Ethan and I have decided to do seasons by when we felt a shift.
(00:56):
So you'll notice season one and then an energetic shift season two and an energetic shift.
We're at season three now with kind of a new vibe as we sink in sink into each other and sink into ourselves.
It's been good.
Yeah, I like the new look dude.
You're like all laid back and like whenever I edit these things too, I feel like a T-Rex because like all my hand motions are like this.
(01:23):
So I got to build that that frame out so I can build like a little podcast place like you.
Yeah, I changed around my office and I got a little cart like like a kitchen cart.
And I have my light and my, you know, all the things that I need. So I just roll it out and then I'm set up for inter shooting videos and then I can put it back in the closet.
(01:49):
Right. And it's really easy. So we'll see.
But I was tired of my face taking up the entire screen when we went to nine by 16 for Instagram.
So how was your week?
It's been good. Yeah.
A lot of shifts going on, man.
(02:11):
Like you're talking about like the energy shift, like doing more work because I always looked at the video production and stuff as like necessary but nonsense.
You know, like I didn't want to do it.
And then learning and taking on this new sort of mindset as a, as, and when I say the word creator, I'm not talking about a content creator.
(02:35):
I'm talking about like a creator of life, you know, my own life.
I now have all of a sudden motivation to do that stuff, you know, like finally the message that I've had, you know, for, for veterans, for people that suffer PTSD has now connected.
With the engine to kind of push me forward, which is so cool that it's just that one change of frame like mindset shift that that made all that work.
(03:06):
Yeah, I love that because it's not enough just to have passion. Everybody's passionate about something.
But you also have to align your mindset so that it's easy. It's like a channel right for that passion to flow naturally into whatever it is that you're creating.
(03:27):
Yeah. And fear has always held me back fear of what if it sucks what if I'm not a success, you know what if all of these questions of like what if, and when I change that, that thought from
I this is my business to I'm a creator of my life that fear melts away it becomes so insignificant.
(03:54):
Yeah, you know it's it's still rears its head up but it's, it's meaningless.
I mean, even deciding to do like this stuff so I took, not necessarily a micro dose but not like a major dose like right in between, and then just smoked a little bit. So yeah, and and all of that just seems so insignificant to what I've discovered in my own life.
(04:21):
Yeah. Yeah, I think when you start to realize how powerful you really are in your own life, because this is what's been going on for me this week too is the more I identify with being a powerful creator.
And I'm not talking about that in the ego sense where I'm like, Oh, I can create this and that I'm talking about.
(04:44):
I'm talking about the way that you're all powerful creators because that's the way nature was made. Right, we're just not using it correctly because we don't understand how consciousness and the brain and the body work together.
But as I learn more about that and I practice the things that help me feel aligned. All that mind chatter of not being pretty enough or good enough or smart enough it just gets quieter, because I'm identifying right with with the good stuff and man does that feel good.
(05:12):
Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, it's like, looking at like a fun house mirror and seeing all the reflections that show us all the things that we judge ourselves for and then just shifting our gaze like just just by one little degree, and just seeing reality.
(05:33):
And it is the greatest feeling in the world.
And like you said, the negative feelings still come up. But what I noticed when they came up this last week is, and this was so cool.
My self trust had grown, obviously, because my thought was, Oh, that's okay, these are bad thoughts like I can handle it. I'll give back on it tomorrow. I'll feel great.
(06:00):
It was a blip where in the past, I would have probably said, Oh, these are bad thoughts that means I'm on the wrong path I can't do that. I would have leaned into those thoughts.
But my trust in myself to be able to handle it was bigger than the bad thought.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's the coolest. Yeah, because I like throughout the week I felt those old patterns those old thoughts like try to break through, you know, like I'm reading Stephen King's right now Salem's lot.
(06:33):
And so I'm just like picturing like a vampire like his hand coming out of the dirt, you know, coming back to life and it just it just can't, you know, like, I mean, well, I don't say that it can very easily if I if I feed it, you know, but having this, this shift and seeing
in a different way it's so easy to feed the part that's pulling me forward.
(06:58):
Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I'm kind of coming on the other side of what's been an uncomfortable couple weeks of change.
It's like, okay, maybe it's gonna be smooth sailing for a while before I, you know, encounter the next big thing that I'm going to tackle.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I want to I want to see like some like calm seas for a little bit man.
(07:22):
Yeah, before we like jump into the next phase of uncomfortable.
Yeah, yesterday I just want to give a quick plug for this because it's what we're talking about I listened to the know thyself podcast which is a podcast I really like.
And Andre was interviewing Dr Bruce Lipton. Do you know who that is.
I've heard of him.
(07:43):
He has he wrote he wrote the biology of belief.
Oh yeah yeah yeah you told me about that book.
Yeah, his show is exactly what we're talking about, but he explains it from a scientific way. Why that works, like how you learn in your subconscious how you learn in your
conscious how those brains talk to each other, the how your brain and the things that you think affect how your DNA and your genetic coding is processing like it is the most fascinating thing so if you really want to
(08:18):
put a shout out on it.
Like, if you're listening to this, go go check that out because it goes really deep into how it works so that you can get better at sort of hacking your own system, and being a human.
I don't want to say the right way but like the effective way, the way that we were built to be where we're aligned and we're using our consciousness or subconscious our brain all are all in harmony.
(08:42):
Yeah, and there's there's so much that that tries to like disharmonize that way of life.
And like we talked about last week, you know, what is that way to sort of live in harmony but also in the culture that we've created.
You know, it's so hard.
(09:03):
And not only with the big stuff that you're talking about but I'll share how I'm struggling with this right now. I absolutely love fantasy TV and like crazy weird shows.
And I've been watching a lot of things that have a tendency to be more dark because a lot of those stories have a lot of darkness.
I started watching American Gods yesterday. Have you ever seen that it's based on the book.
(09:27):
Oh, it's so surreal and weird and the premise is that like, as people came to America they brought their gods with them, so you have like Christian gods and Egyptian gods in right African gods, and these gods now live in America, but they're like, hardly powerful, because
nobody believes them anymore.
So you don't around, you know, and on the street sort of thing right and they're like it's like a story about like the down and out God.
(09:55):
Yeah, it's so fun, but it's pretty dark. And because I'm so sensitive and empathetic.
I pick that up, right and I feel a little heavier. So it's like, I love it and it brings me joy. And there's a darkness that I'm taking on and I'm like, ooh, what is this exchange right trying to judge how much of a place it has in my life.
(10:18):
Is this something I can watch once a week. Oh, maybe is this something I can watch every night. No way in hell. That would really impact me. But even something as simple as that is hard to keep a balance.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I think I don't I haven't looked into this. So I don't know how true it is or anything like that, especially in today's day and age with like AI you can make in the deep fakes of you can make anything like anything.
(10:46):
But they were showing particles that were entangled and they they look like the yin yang symbol. Yeah.
I hope it's true because that would be cool. But regardless of that I mean, we are both dark and light creatures so I think we we need some of that dark like we can't banish all of it, you know, because that makes us I mean something we're not.
(11:15):
You know what I mean there's there's no we're not perfection. So we have to have that balance of that of that darkness and I because I'm the same way I think TV shows are a great way to get that.
You know, like but if you watch too much of it like you can feel how it starts to affect you.
Yeah, right so you have to be aware of yourself so that you can judge where that line is.
(11:41):
Yes.
Yeah.
Just sort of like waking up to like, or underst I hate that term waking up, because I know so many people that use it and it's like so culty.
But like you just like you said becoming aware of who you are like seeing that we're not our thoughts were something so far bigger and greater than that.
(12:04):
Yeah, one of the things that Bruce Lipton was talking about in that show was the power of when you're falling asleep and your brains going from whatever your primary brain wave as I can think of it right now and then it goes to theta waves and then it goes to delta waves.
Those theta waves are like your high programming waves that's why meditation is powerful that's why everything you learn as a kid stays with you because kids are in theta till like age seven right so it's like imprinting imprinting imprinting.
(12:36):
And so he said, if you do a meditation about like beliefs you're trying to change in that first 15 minutes when you're falling asleep. It's a really good way to like re program your pathways.
So one of my sort of assignments that I gave myself for this weekend is to do a custom meditation which is something I love to do for myself right and speak my own about the beliefs that I'm changing right now, and just kind of play around with it as a tool and see how much it
(13:09):
works.
Because that's how I like doing things I'm like, ooh, somebody I respect said that if I listen to a meditation. Right, I'm going to do that for two months and see what happens.
And we'll see if it's right. You know I love testing things in my own life.
Yeah, that's the thing I fell in love with like just experimenting on myself because I got I got so tired of hearing. I guess I mean the dumbest shit that I've ever heard from the VA to deal with PTSD and it opened my mind to like this whole new way of thinking about it.
(13:48):
You know, I mean because everybody has trauma.
You know, and we, we tend where we've learned to judge ourselves off of other people's trauma like it's some type of competition.
You know, but it but it's not like whatever whatever we've experienced the worst thing that we've experienced fills up all of us you know Victor Frankel talks about it being like the nature of gas.
(14:10):
No matter what size container you put it in eventually the gas expands to fill up that entire container and that's what trauma does.
So, to me like PTSD is a part of life for for everybody.
You know, and being able to to like find things that I align with completely.
(14:35):
So it doesn't feel like work anymore. And that was that that shift when I started experimenting with myself. I didn't have to cope with things.
You know, I lost the need to do that because now it's it's like I said it's not work it's just something I want to do that drive just magically appears.
(14:56):
Yeah.
And I think that's kind of a key piece that I've been thinking about that's similar to what you're saying is people want to work out more and they want to meditate and they want to do whatever it is xyz.
And if you don't fall in love with yourself, that's always going to be a chore.
(15:18):
Right, but if you fall in love with yourself and the more you fall in love with yourself, working out eating right meditating like taking the time that you need for integration.
Those things just become easy because you love yourself. There's no other choice but to do those things for yourself like you would your child right.
(15:40):
Yeah, like all of those things.
Yeah, like all of those things like looking for like when people talk about like doing it making a habit you're going to deal with it for two weeks and then it'll be easy and I'm like, done that didn't work for me.
And then find your why if your why is big enough, then then you'll have no trouble doing it and like I tried that didn't work like there was still a disconnect.
(16:06):
The disconnect was how I felt about myself.
You know, I didn't deserve to have my voice heard I didn't deserve to be seen to be heard to have a message my message was always wrong.
You know, and it was because of a deep rooted belief system that was instilled by other people that I got nothing for you know at this point in my life.
(16:31):
Yeah.
Yeah, good stuff. It's been really fun to deepen into a new space and I am so grateful.
I'm excited to see what's actually going to be coming like our way.
I already have like some like really freaking cool people that are that have said like they're going to come on and stuff like people we completely align with.
(17:04):
Yeah, it's just going to be so so interesting to like jump into this new chapter.
Yeah. Yeah, and I think that we've done a real good job these last couple weeks of modeling like what it's like when you feel like you need to pivot, you make that decision to pivot you go through a couple uncomfortable weeks, and then you know in your body when it's ready to jump in on the other side
(17:31):
and be like we're ready to you know, and I think so often in my past, I haven't allowed for that much space I think that if something's not working I need to have the answer and be doing the next thing the next day.
And it just doesn't work that way change takes weeks and months and it it's an integration process, depending on the size of the change, and to rush that.
(18:01):
It means that you don't.
You're not bringing as much of a change in transformation to the other side when you rush it.
You're missing out.
And I think that's our society has grown to this point where it's, it's made being uncomfortable.
(18:23):
A disorder, you know, I mean everything, even even religion, you know, like I remember like if you deal with depression anxiety, it's because you got to find Jesus you got to find whatever whatever the God is you know, and then once you do it should all go away.
It never did for me, you know, it's, we need, we need that period of being uncomfortable there's no growth without pain.
(18:54):
I mean, even I mean if you if you think of hope is like a candle, like in the distance like you're not going to see that candle if it's daylight.
You know, but in the night in the darkness that candle is going to light up. In fact, there's this really cool archaeological site in bar camps that called the lighthouse.
And it's such a cool story might my think by professor or somebody else published a book about it but so in Weathersfield, Connecticut, there was a farmer.
(19:24):
And his daughter turned away every shooter that came to him to ask for her hand, like nobody was good enough.
So, finally he was like the next person that comes that that's who it is, like that's who she's married.
And it turned out to be this indigenous guy that came to help work the land and get higher and all that. And so the father was like no no no but the daughter fell in love with him.
(19:50):
So they ran to this place in bar camps that Connecticut and they built a village there for outcasts you know for people that weren't accepted.
The father sent posse's after them, but they like dyed her hair black her skin was tan because she was in the sun and everything so that they didn't recognize her then the father like sent people that actually knew her would be able to recognize her out and they had to hide her and stuff.
(20:16):
And it grew into this huge site where they took in a lot of people from all over, you know, escape captives all kinds of stuff it's the cool it was the coolest thing, but I got into that I forgot exactly everything I was talking about.
It's not about darkness right. That's what happens when you get like deep into a story. Yeah, yeah, whatever I was talking about I was like reminded me of that I was like that was such a cool story and then that is a completely gone.
(20:49):
So, what would you say were some belief systems that you changed in the last couple weeks. Like what is your mind telling you that's different or new.
Yeah, in order to find. Alright, so just just like me, how a lot of the things that I heard did not resonate with me.
(21:19):
My, my message does not have to resonate with everybody.
The more those people that I find that it doesn't resonate with the more I'll find the few that does, you know, like, we think about small percentages as like a drop in the bucket, but compared to different things just like we talked about before like in between
(21:41):
the number there's an infinite amount of numbers in between there. So, depending on what our outlook our perspective is of that small percentage, it's either nothing, or it's everything.
And so that has kind of switched for me like seeing that I don't need to resonate with everybody.
(22:03):
And the more people that are telling me I'm an idiot, the more I'm going to find the people that it resonates with.
Yeah. Yeah, I feel like this experiment of regarding life is work. I mean, life and work as art. Right, like trying to change that.
(22:26):
It changed it from me to more of a being like it used to be that in my head, there were so many things I had to do right I have to do all my social media videos, part of my job and if I'm going to make it as an entrepreneur I have to do this right I have to do the
business. Why do I have to do the dishes every single day there's more. Right, but it can get sort of onerous. And I noticed as I started regarding things as art.
(22:58):
It really clicked when I first went to make my first social media video as an art project versus a chore, huge shift in what I created how I felt.
And so I started doing that with other things right cleaning the cat box going on errands just really living into like being in my life. And it was almost like this idea of it being a chore or something I had to do was getting in between me and my actual
(23:27):
routine of the moment. Yeah. You know, and so that also played into my belief about being a fraud, because when I'm doing something right, then there's a chance there's a gap there between me and the thing.
But when I started to just show up in my videos and I noticed that fraud was not there as much. So I don't think I totally have this new shift yet. But those are the things that have kind of been playing around shifting in my in the way that I
(24:01):
operate and in my mind set is, yeah, instead of a list of things to do just really allowing myself to live into each moment whatever that looks like. And it's, it's changing me it's weird.
Yeah, it's like going off that intuitive feeling. Instead of like the thought like even how many times we shut that down like when use the word onerous. Like I hate the fact that my vocabulary so limited.
(24:32):
And when you said that was like, dude, it's fucking good word, you know, and I wanted to say that. And intuitively like that would have just came out without any thought without any and then my like, okay, she's speaking, be polite, you know, like the almost like
character. Yeah, we lose. We lose being ourselves. I think a lot of times, because it's a pendulum right there's no balance, you know, I think balance is a fallacy it's a pendulum it's going to swing and and when you're trying to step into this
(25:04):
thing it's easy because you see so many characters. You know so many people that it seems as if putting on the character is is equal to them being like their own dig self.
Yeah, you know, and I'm not gonna like dreadlock my beard and start wearing like cloaks and like that's just not me, you know what I mean so stepping into that authenticity that is it's so hard to do.
(25:35):
But it, like you said, I know it's like a such a cool feeling about it.
Yeah, and I think it's really using different parts of your brain and different chemicals in your body and right as we go deeper and deeper into science we start to understand that.
And, and then it makes it seem less woo woo because we understand Oh this is real stuff this is actually happening we are impacting the way we feel we are impacting the diseases we get in our physical body with our thoughts and our feelings and our belief systems.
(26:05):
Yeah, yeah, that just reminded me. So I was just checking my phone right before we went on comment come up on a tick tock video and I was, I just had a bad feeling about this comment.
And it turned out to be one of the best comments I've ever gotten. So I clicked on it and it said herpes has left my body because of doctors so I'm like, what.
(26:30):
So yeah, like we're impacting the disease in our body and apparently someone this is Karen herpes, which is such a cool thing.
Those kind of comments to and I'm thinking, is this marketing and does it work like are they just going and putting that comment on 100 pages.
Yeah, what's happening here.
(26:53):
And according to my Facebook, which I don't like, I don't like Facebook at all. But I'm like, and whatever it's just one more avenue to put stuff out right.
But if it wasn't for people telling me about all these different doctors that got a micro dosing and that cured them of everything.
Because I know everybody United States is now micro dosing because of Dr. Paul Pox or something on Instagram that sending them these pills and stuff.
(27:23):
And I'm like, dude, like that's all the comments I got.
And what about going forward, what is a belief system or a mindset shift that you want to change or you're still wrestling as you move into more like action in this new phase.
(27:47):
I'm like, I'm going into myself. You know, I just I just saw a video a guy that I had found when I first started this whole journey, definitely knows how to do, like as far as the video production type stuff like putting yourself out there he's a
(28:08):
you know, so like he knows how to do it and he was doing a video about your engagement numbers and and how when you're just doing this and talking to the camera and stuff like your but so you got to like be reflective and do and he's doing like all
like, that's just not me I sit in my garage and I smoke weed I can't do this with my hands because you'll see my pipe and everything you know and so just being the star like I'm done looking for people to emulate and I'm just going to allow myself to to
(28:46):
bloom.
Awesome. Yeah.
And I think what I hear you saying is root and blossom at the same way like be fully in your body and shoot down roots. And I love that idea that your branches can only grow as wide as your roots are wide right it's equal.
(29:07):
And so really settling into who you are and at the same time, you know, blooming up.
Yeah, yeah and finding people that I that I resonate like like Jason Silva, you know, but when I when I was looking at him and thinking of like I want to emulate, I want to be able to be a storyteller like him, I was judging myself for my vocabulary.
(29:29):
You know, I was judging myself for a lot of stuff that he does that I don't know how to do. You know, so instead of wanting to emulate that being like, I just love the way he tells stories but I got to tell stories my way.
Yeah.
You know, and it's so easy to get caught up in trying to tell stories the way other people do.
(29:51):
Yeah. I think the big thing that I want to tackle is I've really been working a lot on self love with a tremendous amount of growth.
But I noticed when I think about, you know, pitching somebody in their IMs or, you know, going out and get another client marketing here networking here.
(30:12):
There's still this belief and this blockage that says something like, I'm going to annoy people, people aren't are going to wish that I wasn't talking to them, right, whatever, you know, version of they're not going to like me comes into my brain.
(30:33):
And what I want to feel is, hey, look, I'm a gift. Like, I'm, and if it's not the right gift for that person.
That's fine, right, like I don't control their feelings. I don't have to try to convince them of their feelings or, or change myself so that they write all that kind of stuff.
(30:55):
So, while I've gotten clearer and clearer on my own connection to self and self love, there's still this lingering separation from other, right.
And that I would like to see soften a bit or come closer to me so that it wasn't even really part of my considerations, right.
(31:19):
And I think I've been really happy until the day like I was saying about working out working out has been so easy for me lately because I'm like, yeah, I love my butt right I'm feeling so happy inside myself.
I want to feel that happy that I'm like, okay, they have to share something with you. Oh my gosh, right I saw this. Yes, I love this video so much I have to, I have to offer you my marketing services because I love you and I want you to do so good, right where it's not even.
(31:44):
I'm happy to be in this world that there's nothing in between me and other people.
So that's my next big like mindset that I'm hoping to tackle is allowing other people to love me and loving them and taking away the all the ideas that are stuck in there right now.
(32:08):
Yeah. And those just, I mean we both have a similar origin story, you know, with with religion.
And those are some very deep rooted unconscious things that still pop up.
You know, I just just heard this story.
(32:32):
It was it was sad, you know, it's just so sad so a friend of mine.
I always play pool Friday nights and then sometimes like on Wednesday nights and stuff. And I didn't go this past Wednesday but a friend of mine was telling me that they saw somebody from this old church we went to.
And when when the guy supposedly the guy didn't recognize but who knows you know, but then after he did recognize that.
(33:01):
After he did recognize him.
He, he went on for like 10 minutes telling him why it was okay for him to be playing pool.
Because he couldn't before.
Because he had kids in his house and he didn't want to be a bad example to them.
You know, so now that the kids are grown and out of the house, it's okay for him to play pool, because he has no one to be an example for.
(33:28):
And I was like, what is sad necessity to have to validate why you want to do something that you are putting your own message on your own, like outlook on that this is bad.
Yeah, the game of pool.
I love that story because that actually really hits home with me for what I just said. When I interact with other people, I feel like I have to have a reason I have to prove why I'm there.
(34:02):
So, if it's in a sales situation or a networking situation I have to prove that I'm good enough as an entrepreneur or, you know, a service provider.
I have to have a relationship I have to prove that I'm good enough as a friend, but I'm always it's that reasoning, thinking that I am not enough just on my own or like just going to do it.
Hey, I can go play pool because I want to. I can take a nap after this if I want to write that I don't have to have reasons for every goddamn thing I do.
(34:34):
I love to like play that game of like, okay, prove that you're good enough to take a nap right now did you work hard enough.
Yeah, and it's easy to pick on religion like that to use that because they use that as a mannequin mechanism to control, but our minds do it regardless.
(34:55):
Yeah.
You know, I don't like from from just stuff I've read like I mean it's it's, I think some really good theories that like life. And again, I don't want to say life is easy there's can't there's horrible things that go on in life, but we're, it's not as we were when we were a prey species when we were hunter
hunters, you know, life has gotten so easy we make we make psychological threats and those psychological threats that have gotten showing grain, we see them everywhere.
(35:27):
You know, and then we don't want them we don't want to feel anxiety we don't want to feel the bad things so we turn those into threats themselves where it's just part of the spectrum of emotions that we have.
Yeah.
I think I love the concept and idea that if you're really anxious or worried about something if you try to protect yourself from the bad.
(35:54):
Your brain is telling you, that means you're going to do better when something bad happens right you're going to be smarter, but that's not true.
It's not true.
(36:15):
If you are in a place of like groundedness and you haven't been anxious and you've been full of joy and presence and love. When a problem comes you'll be able to handle it in that space.
Right. Right. And that just goes to show that the brain shouldn't be the leader of your whole life. It should be one.
(36:36):
Yes, dude, that that that explains like everything you just completely encapsulated like the whole reason why I fell in love with coaching.
Because all of the therapy that I did, it was to think about something to fill out a form, you know, a little worksheet when the worksheet was done I put it away.
(36:58):
And then the rest of the week I'm not thinking about it until I go over it with the therapist.
What I'm thinking was is about practicing stuff in the moment constantly. You know I realized like with my anger. I couldn't practice peace when I'm peaceful I'm already there I'm in that state.
So I had to get myself into an angry state in order to practice peace.
(37:24):
You know, and that's why I would drive on the highway in the slow lane, passing everybody out. You know, but and now even my daughter the other day was like, man, you and mama like switched when you're driving like mama's just so angry like somebody starts to come out from a stop
she's like yeah go ahead do it do it.
You know, and I'm just I'm just like, dude, it's all good.
(37:47):
You know, like it's it's so funny like how how like that switch that happens because I started practicing in the moment. You know, people that when they talk about like, I'm hopeless.
That's good. It's a horrific feeling, but it's also such an incredible place to be because now you can practice hope.
(38:10):
Practice hope when when you're full of it. It's there.
But when you're hopeless now you can start working that muscle and that's what it all comes down to.
I love that. That's so beautifully said. You know, you have provided your girls with such a cool model of change and the fact that you can change at any age.
(38:37):
Like I don't know if you've ever acknowledged that about yourself but I struggle with that.
I'm sure your girls look at you and and know that they can do anything they they can become anything they want right they can become kinder more pathetic or they can become right because you have changed so drastically and you showed them that you're such a different person.
(39:01):
My oldest daughter. She's the one that I wrote to when I was in Bosnia and and didn't know me like when she read that she was like that's not my dad.
I have no idea who this is.
It almost like repulsed her to read that stuff.
And then seven years later, when she re-read it from this she's like, I actually see that guy now.
(39:30):
And she's about to publish her third book.
Dude, she went to school full time worked full time planned her wedding and wrote a book and I'm like, I'm getting up at 11 and then complaining that I have no time to get things done, you know that there's just too much you know, for me to do what I'm giving myself like the hours of the four to five or like my work day.
(39:56):
I can't get shit done there's just too much you know, my other daughter I mean dude, her husband persevered through things that would have broken other people.
And, and she kept this mindset of, it's going to be okay, I don't know how, but it's going to be okay and it turned out everything turned out good.
(40:18):
You know, and then, and now she's starting a cookie business, you know, like, because she loves baking I love that stuff. But the part that I struggle with is I always look and, and when I see something that maybe some anxiety or whatever I'm like, yep, I did that.
You know, and it just hits me like a sledgehammer.
(40:42):
I've got that as well with my son, where I struggle, either for things that I did that I'm more conscious of now, or the big one for me is, oh I married a drug addict, and had a baby with them, right and chose a bad father for you, right it's hard not to get into that like I was responsible for this.
(41:06):
Yeah.
And, yeah, I, when I noticed myself in that place, I actually tried to talk to my son about it and say, I just talked to him about this with self care because when I was raising him.
I didn't value self care, I was working really hard right I was a single mom a lot of it.
(41:29):
And so I didn't teach him about the importance of spending time with yourself. And now that I know that.
And I see him struggling with that he does not take enough self care time.
And I think, oh I wish I could have taught this to him.
I, you know I shared that with him and he's like, thanks, you know mom I'm learning it to my own way it's fine right.
(41:55):
But it's hard because as a parent you want to just do the best by your kids.
Yeah, you don't you don't want to see them go through you don't you don't want to see them go through the growth that you went through you just want them to be there.
Yeah, and that's not the way it works.
Yeah, because it's removing that pain but that I don't even want to say it but that pain, you know for me it's easy to say like the pain is part of the room.
(42:18):
You know, but for I don't want to say it about them.
You know, because I want them to just be there.
Yep, I know. Yeah, very hard as a parent.
And you know there's no doing it right there's no no parent out there that hasn't caused something and that's going to need therapy.
Yeah, oh my god yeah, even in relationships, like, Sandy just got home from work I heard her walk in and then she just turned the AC off.
(42:47):
And so there's going to be a major fight.
Turn the AC back on.
She just told me to show.
That's so funny.
I think that it's
we always worry about what we're going to take from other people you like that whole saying about like, I'll show you the quality of your life if you show me the five people that you're with the most.
(43:14):
But we never think about what what we're leaving with other people.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Oh dude, I think it keeps us kind of responsible for ourselves.
Yeah, I
trying to come up with the right words because that's one of my blocks is
(43:37):
in my heart. I want to be really big and I want to be extra nice to everybody and make everybody feel special because I love loving.
I really do.
But I'm so scared of being that big.
Yeah, you know that I'm afraid if I tell somebody, you know, oh I love your skirt. Oh you're so beautiful that strangers are going to think I'm weird.
(44:04):
I'm afraid that my family doesn't want to be that close to right.
I'm afraid of fear of connection there for me that I need to heal so that I can be that big person and fully live into impacting other people.
Because even if I think I can positively impact people it's like
(44:26):
I want permission to do that or something and I don't think I have it.
Something as small as like seeing someone like nice skirt, nice hair, whatever.
But so quick also like if somebody does something like bumps into me or pisses me off like
I'll tell them whatever I need to tell them in a second but to be nice.
(44:49):
Like yeah, like we need permission to be to be nice.
Yeah.
That's so backwards man. I know it feels weird but that's what I noticed in my body when I think about being responsible for how I impact others and I imagine myself behaving in the ways that I would enjoy behaving.
(45:11):
I say like I don't have permission to be that weirdo.
It was like nice to everybody.
Yeah.
Yeah, that.
What a funny thought right like I don't it doesn't make any sense but it's there in my head and it stops me from doing things.
And it's one of the things like it's almost like emotional archaeology like I want to dig down and see where all of that stems from.
(45:41):
Right, exactly. Yeah. And like we've talked about there's my personal archaeology, there's our cultural archaeology my family archaeology right there's levels and levels of how these belief systems are impacting us.
And I think understanding where they came from can be useful, but I don't think you have to understand where they came from to change them.
(46:04):
Right.
So I like doing the work, but you can just reprogram your brain without finding out why.
Yeah, that's such an important point because I didn't know half of the reasons behind why I did what I did.
For years after I started doing this stuff for I mean after the changes had been made, because we can focus on those on those things.
(46:32):
Those can be negative things like what like one of the things like if I get anxious and I'm focusing on why am I like this I shouldn't be like this well I'm focusing on my, my anxiousness.
Right, and then that that little cliche that's always used like where focus goes energy flows right I hate the cliche but it's true.
You know, and then there's there's science behind it besides just like a nice rhyme scheme.
(46:58):
And since I'm focusing on not wanting to feel that it's driving energy to it so I feel it more.
Yeah.
You know, so I don't have to deal with a lot of the traumatic events in my past to turn my focus on to good stuff and start building the strength of gratitude of love of joy in my life, and then start seeing how that aligns with me.
(47:27):
Like, I in fact, I was talking to this dude, a solar chair, right, he's such a pretty cool dude.
And I always I always talk about like I play the fool but you know, inside there was always a shame associated with that.
And then he said the same thing like he's just a silly dude.
(47:51):
It's okay.
Yeah.
And now I'm like, yeah, I play the fool like, I'm going to do this stupid thing.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In fact, last week at pool.
My wife was was she needed a little bit of help so so we can call timeouts right so she called timeout and this guy named Pat was like the best pool player on our team.
(48:18):
By far, and he went over to give her time out but he made a mistake he left his phone locked.
So I grabbed his phone, I went to his tax, and I scroll down to a group tax and I just wrote, I have a rash.
Send, close his phone, put it down.
Right.
Five minutes later, I just hear him doing the speech test like I have no idea how that got there I didn't send that tax.
(48:44):
And then there was another pool team that he's on and that was like his sister law responding like all these question marks. Right 10 minutes later he goes to give like another time out or what do something and left his phone unlocked again.
So I had already confessed to it, you know, we had a good last so but then I grabbed his phone to the same group times like I really do have a rash though, you know, like that, and it just made everybody land like it felt so true to me.
(49:13):
You know what I mean something so small insignificant but it put a smile on so many people like in mine included face that night.
You know, and so, so it's okay to be an idiot.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think your natural expression of being the fool is akin to my natural expression of like falling in love with people. Right.
(49:37):
The way we are naturally when we're at our truest form, and yet we both have this sort of like, I'm not allowed to be that version of myself right I'm not allowed to fully live into that natural expression.
And so yeah that's fun to like, okay that's the next challenge really live into that with other people.
(49:58):
So I wonder if you feel this, like the same so like, so for me, when I play that fool.
Like to me the opposite of that is, I don't know how to say but like like the sort of the tough guy the warrior.
You know, and, and I feel small, almost like a masculine by that being sort like the leading personality of my myself.
(50:28):
But for so many years I tried to live in that other side of the personality whatever you want to call that. You know, even talking about it like this, like, there's a part of me that makes it makes me squirm because I'm like this is not who I am but this is just where I've, I've gotten to this is now the reality of my situation you know, and
(50:51):
I feel like that that's what led that anger, trying to be something to lead with something that I'm not.
And now I see it as that part of me exists but it's like a, like a demon that is is locked in a cage where it needs to be.
And it can come out when it needs to.
(51:14):
Right.
But I don't need it to lead any more.
You know, and so it's a softening of that feeling. It's lost the shame like so I'm wondering like with you leading with like that loving everybody do you have like that alter ego that that tells you like I need to be in charge.
Yeah, so for me how that would show up is being aloof.
(51:38):
I'm just cool, whatever. I'm better than everybody like I don't really care if I'm invited like I don't care if nobody's talking to me at this party like I'm better than all of you guys anyways right like aloof is my retreat.
And that's where it feels safe. And I feel like an aloof person is kind of like they don't have any like major feelings they don't have needs. Right. I don't need anybody I don't have to.
(52:03):
And I, when I get uncomfortable, that's where I have a tendency to go.
And then the result of aloofness is disconnection. Right.
So then I don't have quality relationships in my life.
And those are like my two extremes. And I'm somewhere in the middle now like I don't think I'm living fully from that aloof character that I lived from before, but I'm certainly not fully into my love character.
(52:40):
And it's because people have given me feedback.
You know, when I was executive director a few years ago, I even had my board president say that in my job review, he said, you know, you're a little too friendly and nice in your emails and I think it makes people uncomfortable.
(53:02):
And that you know I've gotten that feedback a couple times where people feel uncomfortable.
And I've been thinking about this and thinking, okay, so my response to that has been, well, I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable I'm going to stop being loving like I'm trying to make you feel good not uncomfortable so I'm making you uncomfortable.
But now I'm starting to think, well, wait a second.
(53:26):
If I'm just loving they're uncomfortable with it.
That doesn't have anything to do with me. Right.
I'm trying to separate myself from their reaction of me. And it doesn't matter if I've gotten that feedback 100 times in my life that I'm too nice. Those are the 100 people that are in their own heart.
And just like that I this picture popped up in my head of the environment like this office environment in a square building in a square office or a square cubicle, where your square ass phone and your square computer like everything has to fit in that box.
(54:03):
And you were just beyond that.
You know, so they say okay well, there's something wrong with you.
And unfortunately there's always going to be like okay well that level of niceness that level of love that is going to be a trauma response like but what if that's just you.
Right. Like is it.
I think my criteria comes down to like is it bringing life into me or is it keeping me from life like so I can people please and stuff that keeps me from life.
(54:33):
Yes, but I can also help people out that brings life into me and powers me.
Yes.
So one example is we had a game night a few nights ago playing cards big, you know huge game hearts.
And my friend had brought a new friend. Her name was Rose and she was so incredibly delightful, like I loved her she was just so wonderful to have a part of our group.
(55:04):
And then she left in my heart, it's like, go over and give her a big hug and tell her you love her and you want to play with her again. Right like that's my natural like child's, you know, expression, and then, you know, disciplinary and like control Mindy the yard duty teacher
in my head's like, no why don't you just go say thanks for coming.
(55:27):
That's normal that's what a normal person would do.
And I didn't write I followed my child this time, and I gave her a big hug and told her that I just loved her and she was such a delight. Right. I let all that come out and because that felt so good to let it out to be that person.
(55:49):
And I don't know if it made her uncomfortable or not.
It was just a moment but the next day I had a little bit of a vulnerability hangover right like yeah yeah yeah I should have just said thanks for coming. I'm normal.
Don't think I'm weird.
Yeah. Yeah, dude.
(56:11):
The best episodes of SpongeBob ever saw was when when because I mean he everybody knows he is the weirdest dude, like in bikini bottom. And, and so like he got tired of everybody like calm so weird so he saw a course on late night TV and how to be normal.
And he started doing it and then he like his, his square edge started to round. He started using losing all the holes and he would just walk around be like, Hi, how are you.
(56:38):
You know, I'm a superstar, huh? You know, like everything changed about him and he and he became like this normal person, just fit in with everybody else you know.
So we look at people that are outside of the normal. And we hold them up those become our stars, you know our entertainers stuff like that but then for the rest of us, getting your fucking place.
(57:02):
Right. Your job is to be normal.
Yeah, and I think that's this when you play the fool or I go into being a loving person. That's what catches us right is this idea of like, Yeah, that's not really normal.
Right. Stay in this tiny lane stay in this box.
Yeah.
And it just feels so like real, almost like you have in those moments you actually experience reality.
(57:31):
Yes. Yes.
You know, like, I remember I was walking and there was a girl that was kind of walking a little bit behind me and stuff and she was on the phone and talking about this.
This guy like being a relationship and stuff like that when she finally passed me like it was just one of those things that just came up, you know, and I was like, I think his name was Eric or Aaron or something.
(57:55):
I was like, fuck Aaron.
She started laughing and and was like, hey, I'm good, you know, and but just like that little interaction like felt real.
Yes. That's exactly right. Like if it's naturally arising in you and it right, it should be able to be expressed without without all these rules about it. You know.
(58:20):
And then then you then you have like, and I see a lot in older generations to like where you have my everybody needs to know my opinion.
And it has nothing to do with that. You know what I mean? Like I saw a video of this guy cut some country singer.
And it was not not a big name or anything like that. And there was a lady like at the show and she was like, I love your music, but I hate your beard.
(58:44):
And he like stopped the show was like, what? What? Why did you feel the need to say that to me?
You know, like I don't ever want to like if I have an opinion like, oh, stupid shirt makes you look like a lumberjack, you know, whatever.
Like, why am I going to say that? Like that's just it's tearing it's tearing you down. It's tearing me down.
(59:05):
You know, but if I say something like when you wear your rain rains, Wayne's World hat, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm in the you know what I mean?
Like, like it's it's there's just another quality. There's another there's another energetic level to that.
Yeah, I my brother in law was staying with us the last couple days.
And I was sharing with him how comments on Instagram are like that. I posted something about like loving to work out and somebody wrote on it like, well, this is a bunch of bullshit or something.
(59:38):
Okay, whatever. But he showed me this SNL skit and I'll link it in the comments because it's so funny.
It's why'd you say that and they their contestants are there and they go to their Instagram page and they're like, why'd you say this?
Because like all these rude comments, it's hilarious. It's so funny. I'll have to link it.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Do you ever see those like things like celebrities read mean tweets?
(01:00:04):
Oh, yeah, that's so funny.
And I love like to like when they're when they laugh like because some of them are like hysterical and even they find money in it.
Yeah, I think I've only had like one like where some guy was like, you know, this is so stupid, you know, whatever, you know, and I was just able to respond.
I mean, it made me laugh.
(01:00:25):
Yeah, like laughing faces after you know, like in the response to it.
And because that's the thing too, like when you start doing figuring out how to love yourself when when you break away from the shame from whatever that makes you feel that makes you not want to do that.
And you start doing it.
(01:00:46):
Those comments lose the sting to it.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
You know, your funny story with putting a message out to the group text on your friends, which I love I've never done that you put a great idea in my head I'm like,
(01:01:07):
But sometimes what I do that I think is really funny is you can change the ringtone on someone's phone for a specific caller.
So, I'll go in behind my husband's back and change the ringtone for my number.
And you can even do custom ringtones. So I'll record something like my wife is really hot.
(01:01:30):
And then he'll be like in target or something and his phone will start going off is like my wife is really hot. My wife is really hot.
When I call him.
That's so awesome.
It's just a little awesome.
I like to do some times.
Yeah.
(01:01:51):
I mean, we've lost the.
I don't know, man.
We're too serious.
Yeah.
You know, like, life is.
It's beautiful. There's there's miracles that go around us all the time and we've gotten like way too serious over shit that does not matter.
(01:02:17):
Yeah, it's all part of the big construct that we live in.
Yeah.
Yeah. And being being able to challenge that and figure out how to live in our society in our culture with this like,
actually, oh dude, I just saw you got the whole Harry Potter section dude. I love that.
(01:02:42):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, wait, I know those books. Yeah.
It's so awesome. Have you ever read Tiger's Curse?
No.
Oh, dude. All right.
My kids got me on it and I will read those.
Now, like once a year like I did used to do with the whole Harry Potter series. It is the coolest series.
(01:03:06):
Like, I don't know what's better the Harry Potter or the Tigers curse series. It is, it is freaking cool. You got to check it out.
Yeah, now I'm on a Harry Potter thought train. So,
You know what's so funny about Harry Potter is when those movies started coming out, I was still in my Christian phase.
(01:03:29):
And so I was like, I'm not watching these. These things are probably sitting.
Yeah, I didn't read the first book for years.
So like seven or eight years after it came out that I actually was right in fact right before
books, I took my kids.
(01:03:50):
I thought it was for kids, but apparently it was not because it was a bunch of like, you know, like, like older people all dressed up as wizards and stuff with wands at like this because it was a midnight.
I should have known it was midnight. I'm bringing my my like 10 11 year old kids to get the new Harry Potter.
And it's just all these older people that think their wishes was there. It was kind of awkward.
(01:04:17):
Yes, I think it was like around like the sixth or seventh book that I started actually reading the series.
Because like I believe that whole thing there's spells in there, you know, like actual spells that like from the devil, you know, and I'm like, dude, Oculus Reparo.
It's this freaking Latin like what spell Abba the cadaver.
(01:04:40):
Like, I mean, dude, I actually think this is a great example of, you know, when I look back on that now, I'm thinking, why was I giving Harry Potter so much power.
Like, I thought that it would bring Satan into my house and like destroy my child, right, because that was the programming.
Now that seems ridiculous.
(01:05:03):
Yeah.
And I, you know, the belief systems and mindsets that we're talking about today, right, the hope is in that five years we're going, wasn't that funny when we thought that we couldn't be when I thought I couldn't be my most loving self to everyone.
How ridiculous was I right up next level of growth where you recognize an old mindset and it's just so not true for you anymore.
(01:05:28):
Oh my god. Yeah.
Yeah, dude, sort of like like when my when my TV tells me that my Apple remote needs charging.
And I remember when we got our first DCR.
It was when the Giants won the Super Bowl, I want to say it was like 83.
And my dad said, like, if the Giants win today, we will buy a VCR because like VCRs were like 800 bucks and 800 bucks was a whole lot, you know, then, and they ended up winning.
(01:05:58):
So we went and bought one and we had we had a remote with it, but you had to plug it in and it had like a 24 chord that like my mom would trip over and stuff like all the time.
You know, so like how far we've come but then we like, oh man, this is pissing me off, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, interesting to look back at and see.
(01:06:20):
I love thinking about how the future no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what it's going to be like for me for my marriage for my friends like you create right and you dream and that's powerful.
But because of the way you're the universe is and fate or whatever you want to call it. You have no idea what it's going to be like in five years.
(01:06:44):
Yeah, we might get hit with an asteroid.
Yeah, there's one that's passing close by soon. And if it doesn't go through what they call a keyhole.
It'll either be pulled, it'll be pulled off orbit from either the Earth's gravitational pull or like the sun something like that.
(01:07:05):
And I think it's called a pathos.
And if it doesn't pass through this keyhole perfectly, then when it comes back around like in 2036, it'll, it'll hit California.
Or like right off the coast of California, something like that.
Yeah.
Like, yeah, we don't know what is going to happen.
(01:07:30):
I did a video like I'm falling in love with the most idealized version of yourself and and somebody commented like, this sounds like the pursuit of like the never ending pursuit of happiness.
I'm like, yeah, I could see that, you know, I could see how that can become if all we do is dream.
So it's taking those actions behind the dream like the dreaming is cool.
(01:07:55):
But if we don't take actions that they remain a dream they remain in the ether, you know, it's it's pulling it down and making it tangible.
Yeah.
And I think we've talked about this before like,
if you take the concept of time out of it, what you're visualizing or dreaming about your body is experiencing what I'm actually experiencing I'm experiencing.
(01:08:21):
Right, we have this idea that those things are different but if we're present in the daydream and we're present in our life.
All the separates is it is time and time is something that is man made.
Right. And so you can get kind of weirded out if you're like what if I just don't consider time.
(01:08:42):
Yeah, yeah, I want to learn about like, so like so you have space time.
But then you have time and the time that that we talk about.
If I remember correctly, like it was it was sort of invented back when when the locomotive came into into play, because they needed a schedule.
(01:09:05):
You know, and then from there we now we have first shift second shift third shift you know because we have these these eight hour blocks of time.
You know, and all that time is just man made to keep the energy or the the the engine of production running.
And we're just that fog to fit into place for a specific period of time, you know for that eight hours to keep that production going.
(01:09:32):
And it's not what life is.
And there's so many things associated with time right how long this takes how long that take how long did your marriage last how but how old are you right.
I was realizing.
(01:09:53):
If I just told myself that I was 35 instead of 45. I would regard my work in my life completely differently.
That's silly. I feel, I feel like what I feel like, right. I'd say I feel like I'm like 35.
I'm like, I'm not that way. And I should pretend that I don't even remember how old I am because right in some tribes you don't know how old you are, because as soon as I think I'm 45 oh I'm five years away from 50 oh I'm not allowed to wear that oh I can't dance in my type talks because I'm an old lady oh
(01:10:23):
I'm not allowed to wear that because I all these like rules about being 45 come on to me and I'm like oh my gosh that's crazy. I never realized how much junk I was holding about my age.
It's nuts.
I think it just spends it talks a lot about that. You know how our minds can can create like, you know, in my head, I'm 12. Like, I'm going to laugh at like the fact I just saw an ad for this camping toilet like basically it's it's like a seat you sit on and then like a hat you put on that these camouflage drapes just fall around all around you and then you
(01:11:12):
like, but the way they did the commercial was like you can use this when you're camping when you're hiking at a barbecue at a funeral and I'm like, I'll fucking funny with that be like I want like at my funeral that's where I want people like all doing like sitting there not in seats
crying like I'll all in these little potty tents man, you know, like, dude. But but like my body feels like there's certain things it feels you know what I mean but I still act like I'm 12.
(01:11:45):
Yeah.
You know, even because even that whole thing like for a second like my mind goes down that thing and like everything else disappears like like a kid does you know, and, and then then like my the serious part pulled back okay we're speaking about time and how you know, like like last night.
My dog was like powering from all the fireworks and stuff and see me was laying next to where I try to get on the floor and my knee was like, fuck you dude. You know so instead of like gracefully going down it was like half gracefully and then half plop.
(01:12:18):
But I got there, you know, and then you just laugh at it. You know so yeah things are going to break down but I'm going to stay young in my head man.
So let's this next week. I'll try to live in to being more loving when it comes up and you try to live into being more foolish when it comes up the jester.
(01:12:41):
Yeah, saying he's going to love that.
Yeah, and let's just share with our listeners next week what that felt like how that showed up for us and because that that would be fun.
Beautiful yeah.
For any, for any listener, choose your own thing right whatever your natural expression of self is and try to lean into it this week see how it feels.
(01:13:07):
Yeah, the thing that you try to hide the most.
Yeah, live through that lens.
Yeah, very cool.
Everybody this was a great episode. Thank you. See you guys next week. Thank you so much for joining us. We are so grateful for all of our listeners.
(01:13:29):
Please support us in doing what we love. It's as simple as hitting that like or subscribe button. It would really mean a lot to us.
Thanks guys. And we'll see you next week.
What is my next challenge in daring to be human?
(00:07):
How do I connect with life?
How can I let go of my need for fixed answers in favor of aliveness?
How do I live free from the experiences that shaped me?
How can we be the change the world needs right now?
Join us weekly for story conversations about life.
It is our mission to allow life itself to reveal to us the answers.
(00:35):
Welcome to Chasing Thoughts.
Hi everybody, welcome to season three, episode two of the Chasing Thoughts podcast.
Damn.
Ethan and I have decided to do seasons by when we felt a shift.
(00:56):
So you'll notice season one and then an energetic shift season two and an energetic shift.
We're at season three now with kind of a new vibe as we sink in sink into each other and sink into ourselves.
It's been good.
Yeah, I like the new look dude.
You're like all laid back and like whenever I edit these things too, I feel like a T-Rex because like all my hand motions are like this.
(01:23):
So I got to build that that frame out so I can build like a little podcast place like you.
Yeah, I changed around my office and I got a little cart like like a kitchen cart.
And I have my light and my, you know, all the things that I need. So I just roll it out and then I'm set up for inter shooting videos and then I can put it back in the closet.
(01:49):
Right. And it's really easy. So we'll see.
But I was tired of my face taking up the entire screen when we went to nine by 16 for Instagram.
So how was your week?
It's been good. Yeah.
A lot of shifts going on, man.
(02:11):
Like you're talking about like the energy shift, like doing more work because I always looked at the video production and stuff as like necessary but nonsense.
You know, like I didn't want to do it.
And then learning and taking on this new sort of mindset as a, as, and when I say the word creator, I'm not talking about a content creator.
(02:35):
I'm talking about like a creator of life, you know, my own life.
I now have all of a sudden motivation to do that stuff, you know, like finally the message that I've had, you know, for, for veterans, for people that suffer PTSD has now connected.
With the engine to kind of push me forward, which is so cool that it's just that one change of frame like mindset shift that that made all that work.
(03:06):
Yeah, I love that because it's not enough just to have passion. Everybody's passionate about something.
But you also have to align your mindset so that it's easy. It's like a channel right for that passion to flow naturally into whatever it is that you're creating.
(03:27):
Yeah. And fear has always held me back fear of what if it sucks what if I'm not a success, you know what if all of these questions of like what if, and when I change that, that thought from
I this is my business to I'm a creator of my life that fear melts away it becomes so insignificant.
(03:54):
Yeah, you know it's it's still rears its head up but it's, it's meaningless.
I mean, even deciding to do like this stuff so I took, not necessarily a micro dose but not like a major dose like right in between, and then just smoked a little bit. So yeah, and and all of that just seems so insignificant to what I've discovered in my own life.
(04:21):
Yeah. Yeah, I think when you start to realize how powerful you really are in your own life, because this is what's been going on for me this week too is the more I identify with being a powerful creator.
And I'm not talking about that in the ego sense where I'm like, Oh, I can create this and that I'm talking about.
(04:44):
I'm talking about the way that you're all powerful creators because that's the way nature was made. Right, we're just not using it correctly because we don't understand how consciousness and the brain and the body work together.
But as I learn more about that and I practice the things that help me feel aligned. All that mind chatter of not being pretty enough or good enough or smart enough it just gets quieter, because I'm identifying right with with the good stuff and man does that feel good.
(05:12):
Oh, God, yeah. Yeah, it's like, looking at like a fun house mirror and seeing all the reflections that show us all the things that we judge ourselves for and then just shifting our gaze like just just by one little degree, and just seeing reality.
(05:33):
And it is the greatest feeling in the world.
And like you said, the negative feelings still come up. But what I noticed when they came up this last week is, and this was so cool.
My self trust had grown, obviously, because my thought was, Oh, that's okay, these are bad thoughts like I can handle it. I'll give back on it tomorrow. I'll feel great.
(06:00):
It was a blip where in the past, I would have probably said, Oh, these are bad thoughts that means I'm on the wrong path I can't do that. I would have leaned into those thoughts.
But my trust in myself to be able to handle it was bigger than the bad thought.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah, it's the coolest. Yeah, because I like throughout the week I felt those old patterns those old thoughts like try to break through, you know, like I'm reading Stephen King's right now Salem's lot.
(06:33):
And so I'm just like picturing like a vampire like his hand coming out of the dirt, you know, coming back to life and it just it just can't, you know, like, I mean, well, I don't say that it can very easily if I if I feed it, you know, but having this, this shift and seeing
in a different way it's so easy to feed the part that's pulling me forward.
(06:58):
Yeah. Yeah, I feel like I'm kind of coming on the other side of what's been an uncomfortable couple weeks of change.
It's like, okay, maybe it's gonna be smooth sailing for a while before I, you know, encounter the next big thing that I'm going to tackle.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I want to I want to see like some like calm seas for a little bit man.
(07:22):
Yeah, before we like jump into the next phase of uncomfortable.
Yeah, yesterday I just want to give a quick plug for this because it's what we're talking about I listened to the know thyself podcast which is a podcast I really like.
And Andre was interviewing Dr Bruce Lipton. Do you know who that is.
I've heard of him.
(07:43):
He has he wrote he wrote the biology of belief.
Oh yeah yeah yeah you told me about that book.
Yeah, his show is exactly what we're talking about, but he explains it from a scientific way. Why that works, like how you learn in your subconscious how you learn in your
conscious how those brains talk to each other, the how your brain and the things that you think affect how your DNA and your genetic coding is processing like it is the most fascinating thing so if you really want to
(08:18):
put a shout out on it.
Like, if you're listening to this, go go check that out because it goes really deep into how it works so that you can get better at sort of hacking your own system, and being a human.
I don't want to say the right way but like the effective way, the way that we were built to be where we're aligned and we're using our consciousness or subconscious our brain all are all in harmony.
(08:42):
Yeah, and there's there's so much that that tries to like disharmonize that way of life.
And like we talked about last week, you know, what is that way to sort of live in harmony but also in the culture that we've created.
You know, it's so hard.
(09:03):
And not only with the big stuff that you're talking about but I'll share how I'm struggling with this right now. I absolutely love fantasy TV and like crazy weird shows.
And I've been watching a lot of things that have a tendency to be more dark because a lot of those stories have a lot of darkness.
I started watching American Gods yesterday. Have you ever seen that it's based on the book.
(09:27):
Oh, it's so surreal and weird and the premise is that like, as people came to America they brought their gods with them, so you have like Christian gods and Egyptian gods in right African gods, and these gods now live in America, but they're like, hardly powerful, because
nobody believes them anymore.
So you don't around, you know, and on the street sort of thing right and they're like it's like a story about like the down and out God.
(09:55):
Yeah, it's so fun, but it's pretty dark. And because I'm so sensitive and empathetic.
I pick that up, right and I feel a little heavier. So it's like, I love it and it brings me joy. And there's a darkness that I'm taking on and I'm like, ooh, what is this exchange right trying to judge how much of a place it has in my life.
(10:18):
Is this something I can watch once a week. Oh, maybe is this something I can watch every night. No way in hell. That would really impact me. But even something as simple as that is hard to keep a balance.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I think I don't I haven't looked into this. So I don't know how true it is or anything like that, especially in today's day and age with like AI you can make in the deep fakes of you can make anything like anything.
(10:46):
But they were showing particles that were entangled and they they look like the yin yang symbol. Yeah.
I hope it's true because that would be cool. But regardless of that I mean, we are both dark and light creatures so I think we we need some of that dark like we can't banish all of it, you know, because that makes us I mean something we're not.
(11:15):
You know what I mean there's there's no we're not perfection. So we have to have that balance of that of that darkness and I because I'm the same way I think TV shows are a great way to get that.
You know, like but if you watch too much of it like you can feel how it starts to affect you.
Yeah, right so you have to be aware of yourself so that you can judge where that line is.
(11:41):
Yes.
Yeah.
Just sort of like waking up to like, or underst I hate that term waking up, because I know so many people that use it and it's like so culty.
But like you just like you said becoming aware of who you are like seeing that we're not our thoughts were something so far bigger and greater than that.
(12:04):
Yeah, one of the things that Bruce Lipton was talking about in that show was the power of when you're falling asleep and your brains going from whatever your primary brain wave as I can think of it right now and then it goes to theta waves and then it goes to delta waves.
Those theta waves are like your high programming waves that's why meditation is powerful that's why everything you learn as a kid stays with you because kids are in theta till like age seven right so it's like imprinting imprinting imprinting.
(12:36):
And so he said, if you do a meditation about like beliefs you're trying to change in that first 15 minutes when you're falling asleep. It's a really good way to like re program your pathways.
So one of my sort of assignments that I gave myself for this weekend is to do a custom meditation which is something I love to do for myself right and speak my own about the beliefs that I'm changing right now, and just kind of play around with it as a tool and see how much it
(13:09):
works.
Because that's how I like doing things I'm like, ooh, somebody I respect said that if I listen to a meditation. Right, I'm going to do that for two months and see what happens.
And we'll see if it's right. You know I love testing things in my own life.
Yeah, that's the thing I fell in love with like just experimenting on myself because I got I got so tired of hearing. I guess I mean the dumbest shit that I've ever heard from the VA to deal with PTSD and it opened my mind to like this whole new way of thinking about it.
(13:48):
You know, I mean because everybody has trauma.
You know, and we, we tend where we've learned to judge ourselves off of other people's trauma like it's some type of competition.
You know, but it but it's not like whatever whatever we've experienced the worst thing that we've experienced fills up all of us you know Victor Frankel talks about it being like the nature of gas.
(14:10):
No matter what size container you put it in eventually the gas expands to fill up that entire container and that's what trauma does.
So, to me like PTSD is a part of life for for everybody.
You know, and being able to to like find things that I align with completely.
(14:35):
So it doesn't feel like work anymore. And that was that that shift when I started experimenting with myself. I didn't have to cope with things.
You know, I lost the need to do that because now it's it's like I said it's not work it's just something I want to do that drive just magically appears.
(14:56):
Yeah.
And I think that's kind of a key piece that I've been thinking about that's similar to what you're saying is people want to work out more and they want to meditate and they want to do whatever it is xyz.
And if you don't fall in love with yourself, that's always going to be a chore.
(15:18):
Right, but if you fall in love with yourself and the more you fall in love with yourself, working out eating right meditating like taking the time that you need for integration.
Those things just become easy because you love yourself. There's no other choice but to do those things for yourself like you would your child right.
(15:40):
Yeah, like all of those things.
Yeah, like all of those things like looking for like when people talk about like doing it making a habit you're going to deal with it for two weeks and then it'll be easy and I'm like, done that didn't work for me.
And then find your why if your why is big enough, then then you'll have no trouble doing it and like I tried that didn't work like there was still a disconnect.
(16:06):
The disconnect was how I felt about myself.
You know, I didn't deserve to have my voice heard I didn't deserve to be seen to be heard to have a message my message was always wrong.
You know, and it was because of a deep rooted belief system that was instilled by other people that I got nothing for you know at this point in my life.
(16:31):
Yeah.
Yeah, good stuff. It's been really fun to deepen into a new space and I am so grateful.
I'm excited to see what's actually going to be coming like our way.
I already have like some like really freaking cool people that are that have said like they're going to come on and stuff like people we completely align with.
(17:04):
Yeah, it's just going to be so so interesting to like jump into this new chapter.
Yeah. Yeah, and I think that we've done a real good job these last couple weeks of modeling like what it's like when you feel like you need to pivot, you make that decision to pivot you go through a couple uncomfortable weeks, and then you know in your body when it's ready to jump in on the other side
(17:31):
and be like we're ready to you know, and I think so often in my past, I haven't allowed for that much space I think that if something's not working I need to have the answer and be doing the next thing the next day.
And it just doesn't work that way change takes weeks and months and it it's an integration process, depending on the size of the change, and to rush that.
(18:01):
It means that you don't.
You're not bringing as much of a change in transformation to the other side when you rush it.
You're missing out.
And I think that's our society has grown to this point where it's, it's made being uncomfortable.
(18:23):
A disorder, you know, I mean everything, even even religion, you know, like I remember like if you deal with depression anxiety, it's because you got to find Jesus you got to find whatever whatever the God is you know, and then once you do it should all go away.
It never did for me, you know, it's, we need, we need that period of being uncomfortable there's no growth without pain.
(18:54):
I mean, even I mean if you if you think of hope is like a candle, like in the distance like you're not going to see that candle if it's daylight.
You know, but in the night in the darkness that candle is going to light up. In fact, there's this really cool archaeological site in bar camps that called the lighthouse.
And it's such a cool story might my think by professor or somebody else published a book about it but so in Weathersfield, Connecticut, there was a farmer.
(19:24):
And his daughter turned away every shooter that came to him to ask for her hand, like nobody was good enough.
So, finally he was like the next person that comes that that's who it is, like that's who she's married.
And it turned out to be this indigenous guy that came to help work the land and get higher and all that. And so the father was like no no no but the daughter fell in love with him.
(19:50):
So they ran to this place in bar camps that Connecticut and they built a village there for outcasts you know for people that weren't accepted.
The father sent posse's after them, but they like dyed her hair black her skin was tan because she was in the sun and everything so that they didn't recognize her then the father like sent people that actually knew her would be able to recognize her out and they had to hide her and stuff.
(20:16):
And it grew into this huge site where they took in a lot of people from all over, you know, escape captives all kinds of stuff it's the cool it was the coolest thing, but I got into that I forgot exactly everything I was talking about.
It's not about darkness right. That's what happens when you get like deep into a story. Yeah, yeah, whatever I was talking about I was like reminded me of that I was like that was such a cool story and then that is a completely gone.
(20:49):
So, what would you say were some belief systems that you changed in the last couple weeks. Like what is your mind telling you that's different or new.
Yeah, in order to find. Alright, so just just like me, how a lot of the things that I heard did not resonate with me.
(21:19):
My, my message does not have to resonate with everybody.
The more those people that I find that it doesn't resonate with the more I'll find the few that does, you know, like, we think about small percentages as like a drop in the bucket, but compared to different things just like we talked about before like in between
(21:41):
the number there's an infinite amount of numbers in between there. So, depending on what our outlook our perspective is of that small percentage, it's either nothing, or it's everything.
And so that has kind of switched for me like seeing that I don't need to resonate with everybody.
(22:03):
And the more people that are telling me I'm an idiot, the more I'm going to find the people that it resonates with.
Yeah. Yeah, I feel like this experiment of regarding life is work. I mean, life and work as art. Right, like trying to change that.
(22:26):
It changed it from me to more of a being like it used to be that in my head, there were so many things I had to do right I have to do all my social media videos, part of my job and if I'm going to make it as an entrepreneur I have to do this right I have to do the
business. Why do I have to do the dishes every single day there's more. Right, but it can get sort of onerous. And I noticed as I started regarding things as art.
(22:58):
It really clicked when I first went to make my first social media video as an art project versus a chore, huge shift in what I created how I felt.
And so I started doing that with other things right cleaning the cat box going on errands just really living into like being in my life. And it was almost like this idea of it being a chore or something I had to do was getting in between me and my actual
(23:27):
routine of the moment. Yeah. You know, and so that also played into my belief about being a fraud, because when I'm doing something right, then there's a chance there's a gap there between me and the thing.
But when I started to just show up in my videos and I noticed that fraud was not there as much. So I don't think I totally have this new shift yet. But those are the things that have kind of been playing around shifting in my in the way that I
(24:01):
operate and in my mind set is, yeah, instead of a list of things to do just really allowing myself to live into each moment whatever that looks like. And it's, it's changing me it's weird.
Yeah, it's like going off that intuitive feeling. Instead of like the thought like even how many times we shut that down like when use the word onerous. Like I hate the fact that my vocabulary so limited.
(24:32):
And when you said that was like, dude, it's fucking good word, you know, and I wanted to say that. And intuitively like that would have just came out without any thought without any and then my like, okay, she's speaking, be polite, you know, like the almost like
character. Yeah, we lose. We lose being ourselves. I think a lot of times, because it's a pendulum right there's no balance, you know, I think balance is a fallacy it's a pendulum it's going to swing and and when you're trying to step into this
(25:04):
thing it's easy because you see so many characters. You know so many people that it seems as if putting on the character is is equal to them being like their own dig self.
Yeah, you know, and I'm not gonna like dreadlock my beard and start wearing like cloaks and like that's just not me, you know what I mean so stepping into that authenticity that is it's so hard to do.
(25:35):
But it, like you said, I know it's like a such a cool feeling about it.
Yeah, and I think it's really using different parts of your brain and different chemicals in your body and right as we go deeper and deeper into science we start to understand that.
And, and then it makes it seem less woo woo because we understand Oh this is real stuff this is actually happening we are impacting the way we feel we are impacting the diseases we get in our physical body with our thoughts and our feelings and our belief systems.
(26:05):
Yeah, yeah, that just reminded me. So I was just checking my phone right before we went on comment come up on a tick tock video and I was, I just had a bad feeling about this comment.
And it turned out to be one of the best comments I've ever gotten. So I clicked on it and it said herpes has left my body because of doctors so I'm like, what.
(26:30):
So yeah, like we're impacting the disease in our body and apparently someone this is Karen herpes, which is such a cool thing.
Those kind of comments to and I'm thinking, is this marketing and does it work like are they just going and putting that comment on 100 pages.
Yeah, what's happening here.
(26:53):
And according to my Facebook, which I don't like, I don't like Facebook at all. But I'm like, and whatever it's just one more avenue to put stuff out right.
But if it wasn't for people telling me about all these different doctors that got a micro dosing and that cured them of everything.
Because I know everybody United States is now micro dosing because of Dr. Paul Pox or something on Instagram that sending them these pills and stuff.
(27:23):
And I'm like, dude, like that's all the comments I got.
And what about going forward, what is a belief system or a mindset shift that you want to change or you're still wrestling as you move into more like action in this new phase.
(27:47):
I'm like, I'm going into myself. You know, I just I just saw a video a guy that I had found when I first started this whole journey, definitely knows how to do, like as far as the video production type stuff like putting yourself out there he's a
(28:08):
you know, so like he knows how to do it and he was doing a video about your engagement numbers and and how when you're just doing this and talking to the camera and stuff like your but so you got to like be reflective and do and he's doing like all
like, that's just not me I sit in my garage and I smoke weed I can't do this with my hands because you'll see my pipe and everything you know and so just being the star like I'm done looking for people to emulate and I'm just going to allow myself to to
(28:46):
bloom.
Awesome. Yeah.
And I think what I hear you saying is root and blossom at the same way like be fully in your body and shoot down roots. And I love that idea that your branches can only grow as wide as your roots are wide right it's equal.
(29:07):
And so really settling into who you are and at the same time, you know, blooming up.
Yeah, yeah and finding people that I that I resonate like like Jason Silva, you know, but when I when I was looking at him and thinking of like I want to emulate, I want to be able to be a storyteller like him, I was judging myself for my vocabulary.
(29:29):
You know, I was judging myself for a lot of stuff that he does that I don't know how to do. You know, so instead of wanting to emulate that being like, I just love the way he tells stories but I got to tell stories my way.
Yeah.
You know, and it's so easy to get caught up in trying to tell stories the way other people do.
(29:51):
Yeah. I think the big thing that I want to tackle is I've really been working a lot on self love with a tremendous amount of growth.
But I noticed when I think about, you know, pitching somebody in their IMs or, you know, going out and get another client marketing here networking here.
(30:12):
There's still this belief and this blockage that says something like, I'm going to annoy people, people aren't are going to wish that I wasn't talking to them, right, whatever, you know, version of they're not going to like me comes into my brain.
(30:33):
And what I want to feel is, hey, look, I'm a gift. Like, I'm, and if it's not the right gift for that person.
That's fine, right, like I don't control their feelings. I don't have to try to convince them of their feelings or, or change myself so that they write all that kind of stuff.
(30:55):
So, while I've gotten clearer and clearer on my own connection to self and self love, there's still this lingering separation from other, right.
And that I would like to see soften a bit or come closer to me so that it wasn't even really part of my considerations, right.
(31:19):
And I think I've been really happy until the day like I was saying about working out working out has been so easy for me lately because I'm like, yeah, I love my butt right I'm feeling so happy inside myself.
I want to feel that happy that I'm like, okay, they have to share something with you. Oh my gosh, right I saw this. Yes, I love this video so much I have to, I have to offer you my marketing services because I love you and I want you to do so good, right where it's not even.
(31:44):
I'm happy to be in this world that there's nothing in between me and other people.
So that's my next big like mindset that I'm hoping to tackle is allowing other people to love me and loving them and taking away the all the ideas that are stuck in there right now.
(32:08):
Yeah. And those just, I mean we both have a similar origin story, you know, with with religion.
And those are some very deep rooted unconscious things that still pop up.
You know, I just just heard this story.
(32:32):
It was it was sad, you know, it's just so sad so a friend of mine.
I always play pool Friday nights and then sometimes like on Wednesday nights and stuff. And I didn't go this past Wednesday but a friend of mine was telling me that they saw somebody from this old church we went to.
And when when the guy supposedly the guy didn't recognize but who knows you know, but then after he did recognize that.
(33:01):
After he did recognize him.
He, he went on for like 10 minutes telling him why it was okay for him to be playing pool.
Because he couldn't before.
Because he had kids in his house and he didn't want to be a bad example to them.
You know, so now that the kids are grown and out of the house, it's okay for him to play pool, because he has no one to be an example for.
(33:28):
And I was like, what is sad necessity to have to validate why you want to do something that you are putting your own message on your own, like outlook on that this is bad.
Yeah, the game of pool.
I love that story because that actually really hits home with me for what I just said. When I interact with other people, I feel like I have to have a reason I have to prove why I'm there.
(34:02):
So, if it's in a sales situation or a networking situation I have to prove that I'm good enough as an entrepreneur or, you know, a service provider.
I have to have a relationship I have to prove that I'm good enough as a friend, but I'm always it's that reasoning, thinking that I am not enough just on my own or like just going to do it.
Hey, I can go play pool because I want to. I can take a nap after this if I want to write that I don't have to have reasons for every goddamn thing I do.
(34:34):
I love to like play that game of like, okay, prove that you're good enough to take a nap right now did you work hard enough.
Yeah, and it's easy to pick on religion like that to use that because they use that as a mannequin mechanism to control, but our minds do it regardless.
(34:55):
Yeah.
You know, I don't like from from just stuff I've read like I mean it's it's, I think some really good theories that like life. And again, I don't want to say life is easy there's can't there's horrible things that go on in life, but we're, it's not as we were when we were a prey species when we were hunter
hunters, you know, life has gotten so easy we make we make psychological threats and those psychological threats that have gotten showing grain, we see them everywhere.
(35:27):
You know, and then we don't want them we don't want to feel anxiety we don't want to feel the bad things so we turn those into threats themselves where it's just part of the spectrum of emotions that we have.
Yeah.
I think I love the concept and idea that if you're really anxious or worried about something if you try to protect yourself from the bad.
(35:54):
Your brain is telling you, that means you're going to do better when something bad happens right you're going to be smarter, but that's not true.
It's not true.
(36:15):
If you are in a place of like groundedness and you haven't been anxious and you've been full of joy and presence and love. When a problem comes you'll be able to handle it in that space.
Right. Right. And that just goes to show that the brain shouldn't be the leader of your whole life. It should be one.
(36:36):
Yes, dude, that that that explains like everything you just completely encapsulated like the whole reason why I fell in love with coaching.
Because all of the therapy that I did, it was to think about something to fill out a form, you know, a little worksheet when the worksheet was done I put it away.
(36:58):
And then the rest of the week I'm not thinking about it until I go over it with the therapist.
What I'm thinking was is about practicing stuff in the moment constantly. You know I realized like with my anger. I couldn't practice peace when I'm peaceful I'm already there I'm in that state.
So I had to get myself into an angry state in order to practice peace.
(37:24):
You know, and that's why I would drive on the highway in the slow lane, passing everybody out. You know, but and now even my daughter the other day was like, man, you and mama like switched when you're driving like mama's just so angry like somebody starts to come out from a stop
she's like yeah go ahead do it do it.
You know, and I'm just I'm just like, dude, it's all good.
(37:47):
You know, like it's it's so funny like how how like that switch that happens because I started practicing in the moment. You know, people that when they talk about like, I'm hopeless.
That's good. It's a horrific feeling, but it's also such an incredible place to be because now you can practice hope.
(38:10):
Practice hope when when you're full of it. It's there.
But when you're hopeless now you can start working that muscle and that's what it all comes down to.
I love that. That's so beautifully said. You know, you have provided your girls with such a cool model of change and the fact that you can change at any age.
(38:37):
Like I don't know if you've ever acknowledged that about yourself but I struggle with that.
I'm sure your girls look at you and and know that they can do anything they they can become anything they want right they can become kinder more pathetic or they can become right because you have changed so drastically and you showed them that you're such a different person.
(39:01):
My oldest daughter. She's the one that I wrote to when I was in Bosnia and and didn't know me like when she read that she was like that's not my dad.
I have no idea who this is.
It almost like repulsed her to read that stuff.
And then seven years later, when she re-read it from this she's like, I actually see that guy now.
(39:30):
And she's about to publish her third book.
Dude, she went to school full time worked full time planned her wedding and wrote a book and I'm like, I'm getting up at 11 and then complaining that I have no time to get things done, you know that there's just too much you know, for me to do what I'm giving myself like the hours of the four to five or like my work day.
(39:56):
I can't get shit done there's just too much you know, my other daughter I mean dude, her husband persevered through things that would have broken other people.
And, and she kept this mindset of, it's going to be okay, I don't know how, but it's going to be okay and it turned out everything turned out good.
(40:18):
You know, and then, and now she's starting a cookie business, you know, like, because she loves baking I love that stuff. But the part that I struggle with is I always look and, and when I see something that maybe some anxiety or whatever I'm like, yep, I did that.
You know, and it just hits me like a sledgehammer.
(40:42):
I've got that as well with my son, where I struggle, either for things that I did that I'm more conscious of now, or the big one for me is, oh I married a drug addict, and had a baby with them, right and chose a bad father for you, right it's hard not to get into that like I was responsible for this.
(41:06):
Yeah.
And, yeah, I, when I noticed myself in that place, I actually tried to talk to my son about it and say, I just talked to him about this with self care because when I was raising him.
I didn't value self care, I was working really hard right I was a single mom a lot of it.
(41:29):
And so I didn't teach him about the importance of spending time with yourself. And now that I know that.
And I see him struggling with that he does not take enough self care time.
And I think, oh I wish I could have taught this to him.
I, you know I shared that with him and he's like, thanks, you know mom I'm learning it to my own way it's fine right.
(41:55):
But it's hard because as a parent you want to just do the best by your kids.
Yeah, you don't you don't want to see them go through you don't you don't want to see them go through the growth that you went through you just want them to be there.
Yeah, and that's not the way it works.
Yeah, because it's removing that pain but that I don't even want to say it but that pain, you know for me it's easy to say like the pain is part of the room.
(42:18):
You know, but for I don't want to say it about them.
You know, because I want them to just be there.
Yep, I know. Yeah, very hard as a parent.
And you know there's no doing it right there's no no parent out there that hasn't caused something and that's going to need therapy.
Yeah, oh my god yeah, even in relationships, like, Sandy just got home from work I heard her walk in and then she just turned the AC off.
(42:47):
And so there's going to be a major fight.
Turn the AC back on.
She just told me to show.
That's so funny.
I think that it's
we always worry about what we're going to take from other people you like that whole saying about like, I'll show you the quality of your life if you show me the five people that you're with the most.
(43:14):
But we never think about what what we're leaving with other people.
Yeah, that's a good one.
Oh dude, I think it keeps us kind of responsible for ourselves.
Yeah, I
trying to come up with the right words because that's one of my blocks is
(43:37):
in my heart. I want to be really big and I want to be extra nice to everybody and make everybody feel special because I love loving.
I really do.
But I'm so scared of being that big.
Yeah, you know that I'm afraid if I tell somebody, you know, oh I love your skirt. Oh you're so beautiful that strangers are going to think I'm weird.
(44:04):
I'm afraid that my family doesn't want to be that close to right.
I'm afraid of fear of connection there for me that I need to heal so that I can be that big person and fully live into impacting other people.
Because even if I think I can positively impact people it's like
(44:26):
I want permission to do that or something and I don't think I have it.
Something as small as like seeing someone like nice skirt, nice hair, whatever.
But so quick also like if somebody does something like bumps into me or pisses me off like
I'll tell them whatever I need to tell them in a second but to be nice.
(44:49):
Like yeah, like we need permission to be to be nice.
Yeah.
That's so backwards man. I know it feels weird but that's what I noticed in my body when I think about being responsible for how I impact others and I imagine myself behaving in the ways that I would enjoy behaving.
(45:11):
I say like I don't have permission to be that weirdo.
It was like nice to everybody.
Yeah.
Yeah, that.
What a funny thought right like I don't it doesn't make any sense but it's there in my head and it stops me from doing things.
And it's one of the things like it's almost like emotional archaeology like I want to dig down and see where all of that stems from.
(45:41):
Right, exactly. Yeah. And like we've talked about there's my personal archaeology, there's our cultural archaeology my family archaeology right there's levels and levels of how these belief systems are impacting us.
And I think understanding where they came from can be useful, but I don't think you have to understand where they came from to change them.
(46:04):
Right.
So I like doing the work, but you can just reprogram your brain without finding out why.
Yeah, that's such an important point because I didn't know half of the reasons behind why I did what I did.
For years after I started doing this stuff for I mean after the changes had been made, because we can focus on those on those things.
(46:32):
Those can be negative things like what like one of the things like if I get anxious and I'm focusing on why am I like this I shouldn't be like this well I'm focusing on my, my anxiousness.
Right, and then that that little cliche that's always used like where focus goes energy flows right I hate the cliche but it's true.
You know, and then there's there's science behind it besides just like a nice rhyme scheme.
(46:58):
And since I'm focusing on not wanting to feel that it's driving energy to it so I feel it more.
Yeah.
You know, so I don't have to deal with a lot of the traumatic events in my past to turn my focus on to good stuff and start building the strength of gratitude of love of joy in my life, and then start seeing how that aligns with me.
(47:27):
Like, I in fact, I was talking to this dude, a solar chair, right, he's such a pretty cool dude.
And I always I always talk about like I play the fool but you know, inside there was always a shame associated with that.
And then he said the same thing like he's just a silly dude.
(47:51):
It's okay.
Yeah.
And now I'm like, yeah, I play the fool like, I'm going to do this stupid thing.
Right.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
In fact, last week at pool.
My wife was was she needed a little bit of help so so we can call timeouts right so she called timeout and this guy named Pat was like the best pool player on our team.
(48:18):
By far, and he went over to give her time out but he made a mistake he left his phone locked.
So I grabbed his phone, I went to his tax, and I scroll down to a group tax and I just wrote, I have a rash.
Send, close his phone, put it down.
Right.
Five minutes later, I just hear him doing the speech test like I have no idea how that got there I didn't send that tax.
(48:44):
And then there was another pool team that he's on and that was like his sister law responding like all these question marks. Right 10 minutes later he goes to give like another time out or what do something and left his phone unlocked again.
So I had already confessed to it, you know, we had a good last so but then I grabbed his phone to the same group times like I really do have a rash though, you know, like that, and it just made everybody land like it felt so true to me.
(49:13):
You know what I mean something so small insignificant but it put a smile on so many people like in mine included face that night.
You know, and so, so it's okay to be an idiot.
Yeah.
Yeah, I think your natural expression of being the fool is akin to my natural expression of like falling in love with people. Right.
(49:37):
The way we are naturally when we're at our truest form, and yet we both have this sort of like, I'm not allowed to be that version of myself right I'm not allowed to fully live into that natural expression.
And so yeah that's fun to like, okay that's the next challenge really live into that with other people.
(49:58):
So I wonder if you feel this, like the same so like, so for me, when I play that fool.
Like to me the opposite of that is, I don't know how to say but like like the sort of the tough guy the warrior.
You know, and, and I feel small, almost like a masculine by that being sort like the leading personality of my myself.
(50:28):
But for so many years I tried to live in that other side of the personality whatever you want to call that. You know, even talking about it like this, like, there's a part of me that makes it makes me squirm because I'm like this is not who I am but this is just where I've, I've gotten to this is now the reality of my situation you know, and
(50:51):
I feel like that that's what led that anger, trying to be something to lead with something that I'm not.
And now I see it as that part of me exists but it's like a, like a demon that is is locked in a cage where it needs to be.
And it can come out when it needs to.
(51:14):
Right.
But I don't need it to lead any more.
You know, and so it's a softening of that feeling. It's lost the shame like so I'm wondering like with you leading with like that loving everybody do you have like that alter ego that that tells you like I need to be in charge.
Yeah, so for me how that would show up is being aloof.
(51:38):
I'm just cool, whatever. I'm better than everybody like I don't really care if I'm invited like I don't care if nobody's talking to me at this party like I'm better than all of you guys anyways right like aloof is my retreat.
And that's where it feels safe. And I feel like an aloof person is kind of like they don't have any like major feelings they don't have needs. Right. I don't need anybody I don't have to.
(52:03):
And I, when I get uncomfortable, that's where I have a tendency to go.
And then the result of aloofness is disconnection. Right.
So then I don't have quality relationships in my life.
And those are like my two extremes. And I'm somewhere in the middle now like I don't think I'm living fully from that aloof character that I lived from before, but I'm certainly not fully into my love character.
(52:40):
And it's because people have given me feedback.
You know, when I was executive director a few years ago, I even had my board president say that in my job review, he said, you know, you're a little too friendly and nice in your emails and I think it makes people uncomfortable.
(53:02):
And that you know I've gotten that feedback a couple times where people feel uncomfortable.
And I've been thinking about this and thinking, okay, so my response to that has been, well, I don't want to make anybody uncomfortable I'm going to stop being loving like I'm trying to make you feel good not uncomfortable so I'm making you uncomfortable.
But now I'm starting to think, well, wait a second.
(53:26):
If I'm just loving they're uncomfortable with it.
That doesn't have anything to do with me. Right.
I'm trying to separate myself from their reaction of me. And it doesn't matter if I've gotten that feedback 100 times in my life that I'm too nice. Those are the 100 people that are in their own heart.
And just like that I this picture popped up in my head of the environment like this office environment in a square building in a square office or a square cubicle, where your square ass phone and your square computer like everything has to fit in that box.
(54:03):
And you were just beyond that.
You know, so they say okay well, there's something wrong with you.
And unfortunately there's always going to be like okay well that level of niceness that level of love that is going to be a trauma response like but what if that's just you.
Right. Like is it.
I think my criteria comes down to like is it bringing life into me or is it keeping me from life like so I can people please and stuff that keeps me from life.
(54:33):
Yes, but I can also help people out that brings life into me and powers me.
Yes.
So one example is we had a game night a few nights ago playing cards big, you know huge game hearts.
And my friend had brought a new friend. Her name was Rose and she was so incredibly delightful, like I loved her she was just so wonderful to have a part of our group.
(55:04):
And then she left in my heart, it's like, go over and give her a big hug and tell her you love her and you want to play with her again. Right like that's my natural like child's, you know, expression, and then, you know, disciplinary and like control Mindy the yard duty teacher
in my head's like, no why don't you just go say thanks for coming.
(55:27):
That's normal that's what a normal person would do.
And I didn't write I followed my child this time, and I gave her a big hug and told her that I just loved her and she was such a delight. Right. I let all that come out and because that felt so good to let it out to be that person.
(55:49):
And I don't know if it made her uncomfortable or not.
It was just a moment but the next day I had a little bit of a vulnerability hangover right like yeah yeah yeah I should have just said thanks for coming. I'm normal.
Don't think I'm weird.
Yeah. Yeah, dude.
(56:11):
The best episodes of SpongeBob ever saw was when when because I mean he everybody knows he is the weirdest dude, like in bikini bottom. And, and so like he got tired of everybody like calm so weird so he saw a course on late night TV and how to be normal.
And he started doing it and then he like his, his square edge started to round. He started using losing all the holes and he would just walk around be like, Hi, how are you.
(56:38):
You know, I'm a superstar, huh? You know, like everything changed about him and he and he became like this normal person, just fit in with everybody else you know.
So we look at people that are outside of the normal. And we hold them up those become our stars, you know our entertainers stuff like that but then for the rest of us, getting your fucking place.
(57:02):
Right. Your job is to be normal.
Yeah, and I think that's this when you play the fool or I go into being a loving person. That's what catches us right is this idea of like, Yeah, that's not really normal.
Right. Stay in this tiny lane stay in this box.
Yeah.
And it just feels so like real, almost like you have in those moments you actually experience reality.
(57:31):
Yes. Yes.
You know, like, I remember I was walking and there was a girl that was kind of walking a little bit behind me and stuff and she was on the phone and talking about this.
This guy like being a relationship and stuff like that when she finally passed me like it was just one of those things that just came up, you know, and I was like, I think his name was Eric or Aaron or something.
(57:55):
I was like, fuck Aaron.
She started laughing and and was like, hey, I'm good, you know, and but just like that little interaction like felt real.
Yes. That's exactly right. Like if it's naturally arising in you and it right, it should be able to be expressed without without all these rules about it. You know.
(58:20):
And then then you then you have like, and I see a lot in older generations to like where you have my everybody needs to know my opinion.
And it has nothing to do with that. You know what I mean? Like I saw a video of this guy cut some country singer.
And it was not not a big name or anything like that. And there was a lady like at the show and she was like, I love your music, but I hate your beard.
(58:44):
And he like stopped the show was like, what? What? Why did you feel the need to say that to me?
You know, like I don't ever want to like if I have an opinion like, oh, stupid shirt makes you look like a lumberjack, you know, whatever.
Like, why am I going to say that? Like that's just it's tearing it's tearing you down. It's tearing me down.
(59:05):
You know, but if I say something like when you wear your rain rains, Wayne's World hat, I'm like, oh, yeah, I'm in the you know what I mean?
Like, like it's it's there's just another quality. There's another there's another energetic level to that.
Yeah, I my brother in law was staying with us the last couple days.
And I was sharing with him how comments on Instagram are like that. I posted something about like loving to work out and somebody wrote on it like, well, this is a bunch of bullshit or something.
(59:38):
Okay, whatever. But he showed me this SNL skit and I'll link it in the comments because it's so funny.
It's why'd you say that and they their contestants are there and they go to their Instagram page and they're like, why'd you say this?
Because like all these rude comments, it's hilarious. It's so funny. I'll have to link it.
Yeah, yeah. Oh, man. Do you ever see those like things like celebrities read mean tweets?
(01:00:04):
Oh, yeah, that's so funny.
And I love like to like when they're when they laugh like because some of them are like hysterical and even they find money in it.
Yeah, I think I've only had like one like where some guy was like, you know, this is so stupid, you know, whatever, you know, and I was just able to respond.
I mean, it made me laugh.
(01:00:25):
Yeah, like laughing faces after you know, like in the response to it.
And because that's the thing too, like when you start doing figuring out how to love yourself when when you break away from the shame from whatever that makes you feel that makes you not want to do that.
And you start doing it.
(01:00:46):
Those comments lose the sting to it.
Yeah, absolutely. Yeah.
You know, your funny story with putting a message out to the group text on your friends, which I love I've never done that you put a great idea in my head I'm like,
(01:01:07):
But sometimes what I do that I think is really funny is you can change the ringtone on someone's phone for a specific caller.
So, I'll go in behind my husband's back and change the ringtone for my number.
And you can even do custom ringtones. So I'll record something like my wife is really hot.
(01:01:30):
And then he'll be like in target or something and his phone will start going off is like my wife is really hot. My wife is really hot.
When I call him.
That's so awesome.
It's just a little awesome.
I like to do some times.
Yeah.
(01:01:51):
I mean, we've lost the.
I don't know, man.
We're too serious.
Yeah.
You know, like, life is.
It's beautiful. There's there's miracles that go around us all the time and we've gotten like way too serious over shit that does not matter.
(01:02:17):
Yeah, it's all part of the big construct that we live in.
Yeah.
Yeah. And being being able to challenge that and figure out how to live in our society in our culture with this like,
actually, oh dude, I just saw you got the whole Harry Potter section dude. I love that.
(01:02:42):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I was like, wait, I know those books. Yeah.
It's so awesome. Have you ever read Tiger's Curse?
No.
Oh, dude. All right.
My kids got me on it and I will read those.
Now, like once a year like I did used to do with the whole Harry Potter series. It is the coolest series.
(01:03:06):
Like, I don't know what's better the Harry Potter or the Tigers curse series. It is, it is freaking cool. You got to check it out.
Yeah, now I'm on a Harry Potter thought train. So,
You know what's so funny about Harry Potter is when those movies started coming out, I was still in my Christian phase.
(01:03:29):
And so I was like, I'm not watching these. These things are probably sitting.
Yeah, I didn't read the first book for years.
So like seven or eight years after it came out that I actually was right in fact right before
books, I took my kids.
(01:03:50):
I thought it was for kids, but apparently it was not because it was a bunch of like, you know, like, like older people all dressed up as wizards and stuff with wands at like this because it was a midnight.
I should have known it was midnight. I'm bringing my my like 10 11 year old kids to get the new Harry Potter.
And it's just all these older people that think their wishes was there. It was kind of awkward.
(01:04:17):
Yes, I think it was like around like the sixth or seventh book that I started actually reading the series.
Because like I believe that whole thing there's spells in there, you know, like actual spells that like from the devil, you know, and I'm like, dude, Oculus Reparo.
It's this freaking Latin like what spell Abba the cadaver.
(01:04:40):
Like, I mean, dude, I actually think this is a great example of, you know, when I look back on that now, I'm thinking, why was I giving Harry Potter so much power.
Like, I thought that it would bring Satan into my house and like destroy my child, right, because that was the programming.
Now that seems ridiculous.
(01:05:03):
Yeah.
And I, you know, the belief systems and mindsets that we're talking about today, right, the hope is in that five years we're going, wasn't that funny when we thought that we couldn't be when I thought I couldn't be my most loving self to everyone.
How ridiculous was I right up next level of growth where you recognize an old mindset and it's just so not true for you anymore.
(01:05:28):
Oh my god. Yeah.
Yeah, dude, sort of like like when my when my TV tells me that my Apple remote needs charging.
And I remember when we got our first DCR.
It was when the Giants won the Super Bowl, I want to say it was like 83.
And my dad said, like, if the Giants win today, we will buy a VCR because like VCRs were like 800 bucks and 800 bucks was a whole lot, you know, then, and they ended up winning.
(01:05:58):
So we went and bought one and we had we had a remote with it, but you had to plug it in and it had like a 24 chord that like my mom would trip over and stuff like all the time.
You know, so like how far we've come but then we like, oh man, this is pissing me off, you know.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, interesting to look back at and see.
(01:06:20):
I love thinking about how the future no matter how hard I try. I have no idea what it's going to be like for me for my marriage for my friends like you create right and you dream and that's powerful.
But because of the way you're the universe is and fate or whatever you want to call it. You have no idea what it's going to be like in five years.
(01:06:44):
Yeah, we might get hit with an asteroid.
Yeah, there's one that's passing close by soon. And if it doesn't go through what they call a keyhole.
It'll either be pulled, it'll be pulled off orbit from either the Earth's gravitational pull or like the sun something like that.
(01:07:05):
And I think it's called a pathos.
And if it doesn't pass through this keyhole perfectly, then when it comes back around like in 2036, it'll, it'll hit California.
Or like right off the coast of California, something like that.
Yeah.
Like, yeah, we don't know what is going to happen.
(01:07:30):
I did a video like I'm falling in love with the most idealized version of yourself and and somebody commented like, this sounds like the pursuit of like the never ending pursuit of happiness.
I'm like, yeah, I could see that, you know, I could see how that can become if all we do is dream.
So it's taking those actions behind the dream like the dreaming is cool.
(01:07:55):
But if we don't take actions that they remain a dream they remain in the ether, you know, it's it's pulling it down and making it tangible.
Yeah.
And I think we've talked about this before like,
if you take the concept of time out of it, what you're visualizing or dreaming about your body is experiencing what I'm actually experiencing I'm experiencing.
(01:08:21):
Right, we have this idea that those things are different but if we're present in the daydream and we're present in our life.
All the separates is it is time and time is something that is man made.
Right. And so you can get kind of weirded out if you're like what if I just don't consider time.
(01:08:42):
Yeah, yeah, I want to learn about like, so like so you have space time.
But then you have time and the time that that we talk about.
If I remember correctly, like it was it was sort of invented back when when the locomotive came into into play, because they needed a schedule.
(01:09:05):
You know, and then from there we now we have first shift second shift third shift you know because we have these these eight hour blocks of time.
You know, and all that time is just man made to keep the energy or the the the engine of production running.
And we're just that fog to fit into place for a specific period of time, you know for that eight hours to keep that production going.
(01:09:32):
And it's not what life is.
And there's so many things associated with time right how long this takes how long that take how long did your marriage last how but how old are you right.
I was realizing.
(01:09:53):
If I just told myself that I was 35 instead of 45. I would regard my work in my life completely differently.
That's silly. I feel, I feel like what I feel like, right. I'd say I feel like I'm like 35.
I'm like, I'm not that way. And I should pretend that I don't even remember how old I am because right in some tribes you don't know how old you are, because as soon as I think I'm 45 oh I'm five years away from 50 oh I'm not allowed to wear that oh I can't dance in my type talks because I'm an old lady oh
(01:10:23):
I'm not allowed to wear that because I all these like rules about being 45 come on to me and I'm like oh my gosh that's crazy. I never realized how much junk I was holding about my age.
It's nuts.
I think it just spends it talks a lot about that. You know how our minds can can create like, you know, in my head, I'm 12. Like, I'm going to laugh at like the fact I just saw an ad for this camping toilet like basically it's it's like a seat you sit on and then like a hat you put on that these camouflage drapes just fall around all around you and then you
(01:11:12):
like, but the way they did the commercial was like you can use this when you're camping when you're hiking at a barbecue at a funeral and I'm like, I'll fucking funny with that be like I want like at my funeral that's where I want people like all doing like sitting there not in seats
crying like I'll all in these little potty tents man, you know, like, dude. But but like my body feels like there's certain things it feels you know what I mean but I still act like I'm 12.
(01:11:45):
Yeah.
You know, even because even that whole thing like for a second like my mind goes down that thing and like everything else disappears like like a kid does you know, and, and then then like my the serious part pulled back okay we're speaking about time and how you know, like like last night.
My dog was like powering from all the fireworks and stuff and see me was laying next to where I try to get on the floor and my knee was like, fuck you dude. You know so instead of like gracefully going down it was like half gracefully and then half plop.
(01:12:18):
But I got there, you know, and then you just laugh at it. You know so yeah things are going to break down but I'm going to stay young in my head man.
So let's this next week. I'll try to live in to being more loving when it comes up and you try to live into being more foolish when it comes up the jester.
(01:12:41):
Yeah, saying he's going to love that.
Yeah, and let's just share with our listeners next week what that felt like how that showed up for us and because that that would be fun.
Beautiful yeah.
For any, for any listener, choose your own thing right whatever your natural expression of self is and try to lean into it this week see how it feels.
(01:13:07):
Yeah, the thing that you try to hide the most.
Yeah, live through that lens.
Yeah, very cool.
Everybody this was a great episode. Thank you. See you guys next week. Thank you so much for joining us. We are so grateful for all of our listeners.
(01:13:29):
Please support us in doing what we love. It's as simple as hitting that like or subscribe button. It would really mean a lot to us.
Thanks guys. And we'll see you next week.
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