What happens when childhood trauma resurfaces in adulthood? Join us as Cindy Benezra bravely shares her story of enduring sexual abuse by her father and the path she took toward healing. From the early coping mechanisms she developed, like dissociation, to the moment she confronted her father and navigated the complex relationship with her mother, Cindy's journey is a testament to strength and resilience. Cindy's book, "Under the Orange Blossoms," serves as a beacon of hope and a guide for those looking to understand and recover from their own traumas.
We also explore the critical role of therapy and open dialogue in addressing deep-seated issues of abuse. This episode emphasizes the necessity of recognizing various forms of child abuse and setting personal boundaries, even within the family unit. Reflecting on the emotional and psychological toll of writing about one's trauma, we discuss how to find purpose amidst pain and the importance of sharing these stories to catalyze change and healing.
Finally, learn practical techniques for managing anxiety and stress, from energy work to grounding practices. Discover how simple actions like visualizing energy or using self-soothing hand placements can make a significant difference in your daily life. We underscore the importance of setting positive intentions each morning and harnessing the power of community in our collective journey toward empowerment and resilience. Join us for an episode filled with transformative insights and heartening advice on healing and thriving despite a painful past.
Connect with Cindy:
Cindy Benezra is an author, inspirational speaker, entrepreneur, and sexual abuse advocate. She is the author of the newly released memoir, Under The Orange Blossoms.
Cindy is the founder of CindyTalks™, a platform where she discusses healing tools and stories of hope for other trauma survivors. She engages with her readers through honesty, humility, and genuine care for those who have walked a similar path.
Cindy is also the co-founder of a luxury event company, where she spends mu
Send us a Text Message!
I answer a listeners's text message. One of my listeners purchased glutathione capsules from a link I shared from Dr. Gina Nick's episode. She asks when the best time it is to take the capsules.
Support the show
⭐️WINNER OF TOP 50 OVER 50 PODCASTER AWARDS!⭐️
Rose Wippich is a transformational guide who weaves together ancient wisdom with modern wellness practices. As a certified Qigong and Yoga instructor, Reiki Master Teacher, and passionate Energy Alchemist, Rose empowers individuals to embrace their innate healing potential and cultivate vibrant well-being.
Connect with Rose!
Rose's Website
IG: Rose Wippich
Youtube: Rose Wippich Wellness
Email: rose@rosewippich.com
Please review & rate ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ my podcast via Apple Review or Podchaser. Thank you! ❤️
If you're interested in starting a podcast Buzzsprout is a great platform. Here is a referral link: BUZZSPROUT!
Offering Tree Website Creation Tool. Receive a discount off of your initial plan using this affiliate link:
sexual trauma through meaningfulconversations.
From a young age, she displayedstrength, will and resilience.
(00:21):
Will and resilience.
She's compassionate andunderstands how sexual abuse can
reshape a family's dynamics,let alone the victim's.
In her book Under the OrangeBlossoms, an inspirational story
of bravery and strength, cindyshares her personal story and
(00:42):
how, in the end, she was able toforgive her father, and that
contributed to her healing.
She's the founder of CindyTalks, a platform where she
discusses healing and stories ofhope for other trauma survivors
.
She engages her readers throughhonesty, humility and genuine
(01:03):
care for those who have walked asimilar path.
Welcome to Chat Off The Mat, thepodcast that explores the
transformative journey ofhealing and self-discovery where
energy, spirituality, mind andbody intersect.
Hi, I'm your Rose Wippich , andI invite you to join me and
(01:27):
explore ways to invite moreholistic practices into your
life.
I will feature experts andpractitioners who provide
insights, tips and practicaladvice.
From Reiki to Qigong, Chakrabalancing to Shamanism, this
podcast will be your guide tounderstanding how these
practices can lead to moreharmony and greater energy.
(01:48):
Whether you're seeking stressrelief, emotional balance or a
deeper connection to yourauthentic self, chat Off the Mat
.
Provide you with insights andinspiration.
Let's start discovering thepossibilities that lie within
you.
Start discovering thepossibilities that lie within
you.
Welcome, cindy, I'm reallygrateful that you're here.
Cindy (02:10):
It is so good to be here.
It really is an honor.
So we'll begin just if I canask you a little bit about
yourself and if you can sharewith us your story.
Yeah, so I wrote a book.
It's a self-help memoir andit's about sexual abuse, sexual
assault and the journey of whatI went through as a child and
(02:36):
how it affected me throughout mylife, and the value and the
lessons that I indirectlylearned through this process.
Rose (02:47):
Yeah, so you were quite
young when you were sexually
abused and you were abused byyour dad.
Can you share with us whatpoint in your life you realized
that that happened to you?
(03:11):
So I was abused let's see herefrom basically from five to 10,
which even every time I say this, I'm still shocked.
I still feel like I feel sickto my stomach even just knowing
that.
But it was from my father and Ididn't recognize that I had
been abused, to be honest,because I blocked it out.
(03:33):
I had I dissociated and as faras if you asked me when I was a
teenager, I would have told youthat I had a life of swimming
holes and Barbie dolls and Ilived in Arizona.
I would go swimming every dayand play with my Barbies.
I knew I didn't like my father.
(03:54):
I found him to be a veryviolent person, but I
dissociated what had happenedand at the time I was very well.
Years later I was very upsetthat I had dissociated and I
didn't recognize to what levels.
I still struggled with and Ieven had to look up the word
(04:16):
dissociation in Webster'sdictionary at the time because I
couldn't figure out what wasgoing on with me.
But it was, in a sense, a gift.
It's where your brain justcompletely blocks out, shuts
down and you're able to go onthrough your daily routines.
And when I recognize that now,in hindsight, I think I would
(04:44):
have never been able to reallyjust exist unless I had gone
through this dissociation.
And when it came back it wasbecause I became sexually
interested, active at 17.
I was active and that's when itstarted to unfold.
I was active and that's when itstarted to unfold.
It came back in a dream form.
(05:06):
So in my dreams I would havenight terrors and it started to
unfold and this process was,from what I hear is, very common
.
It's just like someone who hadgone to war and been traumatized
, just in general, and it wouldcome back in little pieces and
(05:29):
the pieces it felt like if youwere to break a glass, like on
your mirror, like you were ableto hit your fist on the glass
and it broke into perfect littleshards and some of them were
not so perfect.
But I would write down mydreams and through my dreams I
was able to piece all the littlebroken shards of glass together
(05:51):
and it became whole.
And in that process I reallythought I was going crazy
because I didn't understand whyI was dreaming such horrific
things about my father.
I would go to my mother and sayyou know, did anything happen?
Did dad touch me?
And my mom would say well, whywould you say this?
(06:11):
And you know, later on it waslike, why are you stirring the
pot?
And I could tell that she feltguilty, but I think her life was
just going just fine.
And later on I did confront mydad and in that confrontation I
recognized that these dreams, asI put them all together, that
(06:35):
they were real.
And I recognized by hisresponse.
Yeah, so at an early age
that happened to you.
You had these dreams.
You started to piece thingstogether, you felt you were
crazy and then you approachedyour dad.
But how did he make you feel,did I mean?
When you approached him, did healmost tell you once again that
(06:59):
you know?
Like what are you talking about?
Are you crazy?
Did you did?
Did he try to make you believeyou were, that you were crazy,
that these were made up things?
Cindy (07:10):
Well, I certainly felt
crazy.
And first of all, just to standup to somebody who is violent,
who is just a terror.
I mean, he wasn't that wayalways.
I mean he did have calm periodsand I could talk to him just
like he.
You know, we are right now.
Not every family member isperfect and we all have our
(07:31):
shortcomings, but hisshortcoming was really true
violence.
And so just to sit there andlook across the table and say,
okay, I'm having these nightterrors and this is I didn't
give perfect detail, but I justsaid, did you touch me?
You know, did you?
Did you do this?
(07:51):
And I kind of recalled this andhe's like how did you?
You know, where are you gettingthis?
And I would say from a dream.
And if you think about somebodywho you know, if you think
about just that, well, from adream or from dreams, it would
be laughable.
You would, you would probablygo what you know, it's laughable
.
And then I became insistent andI was calm and I had rehearsed
(08:17):
it and I really tried to centermyself so that I could look at
him and try to find the truth,and try to find the truth in him
and try to find the truth inmyself and I think that was
something that I really yearnedfor.
So I focused so hard not tolose, not to cry, not to yell,
(08:40):
not to get upset, but to reallyfind the truth in this horrific
outcome.
And when I was talking to himhe was like, well, maybe you
read it in a book, maybe you sawit in a movie.
He started giving you knowplausible ways of why I came up
with this.
And then it was sort of he wasa little defensive, like why
(09:04):
would you do this?
You know, you know I love you.
You know, why would you thinkthese things?
And I started to feel the guilt.
And then, um, then it waslaughter and like, oh, you're
crazy.
And then like shaming.
And when I started to go throughthe whole range of all these
(09:25):
different scenarios and watchinghim, I thought, my goodness, he
gets an Academy Award.
And I could feel it in my gutand just in and pause where I
(09:47):
recognized like no, I know, Iknow this is real and I cannot
be having these dreams andlistening to him kind of going
through these cycles.
And when he said, are you okay?
You know, maybe you're not likeinsinuating that maybe I was
(10:08):
mentally ill.
And at that point when I lookedat him, I paused at him and I
just thought, okay, I'm notgoing to lose it.
I mean I would count to three,which is kind of funny, three
was all that it took and in mymind I would count to three.
And then I would look at himand we just stared at each other
and in that moment I thought,no, like it was a moment of
(10:32):
empowerment.
And then I just sat back andjust looked at him and I knew, I
just knew, and I don't think Ihad anything to say.
I just got up and left.
Rose (10:54):
So at a very young age and
I read your book and I
mentioned beforehand, before wehit the record button, that
truly powerful book and to apoint where I was inspired by
your resilience throughout thewhole book and addressing this
and healing from it.
But I know at a young age Icould tell you were very
intuitive and, as you'redescribing here, you basically
saw through the BDS that yourfather was giving you right,
trying to deflect, and how wereyou able to create?
(11:18):
So you knew in your gut, youknow.
So you knew.
So that was almost like a firstline of defense, creating a
border or a barrier.
How did you create a barrier ora border to protect you from
this label that he was trying togive you and convince you of
and moving forward in your lifewith him around you?
How were you able to live yourlife knowing that this was
(11:40):
happening or that happened?
Cindy (11:43):
How do you live with a
monster?
That is a big thing, you know.
Being trapped and living with amonster in you know I knew I
couldn't survive at a young ageon my own.
I just knew I couldn't do it asmuch as I had run away.
I can't even tell you.
Countless times I would runaway and pack my little suitcase
(12:03):
and make it to the end of theblock and the neighbors would
always say where are you going,cindy, wendy?
And I was saying I'm runningaway, and that happens so often.
It's countless amounts of timeand everybody knew in the
neighborhood I was packing mybag and I was leaving.
I just liked the idea of justgoing someplace else.
But I really, even then I knewlike where was I going to live?
(12:26):
Like on, I lived in ruralArizona, you know, with the
cactus, and it was desert andthere was.
There was nowhere to go.
I don't even we rarely wentinto the city.
So within that I did have a lotof time to, I think, just being
quiet and having a lot of timeto look at.
(12:48):
Maybe, in a sense, when you'reforced through trauma, I think
there's a lot of things.
We spent a lot of time.
We're imprisoned in our mind.
I think you could say so.
We spend a lot of time in ourmind, spend a lot of time in our
mind thinking and processingand observing everybody around
(13:10):
you.
We become hypervigilant, welook around, we're looking at
nature, we're looking at friends, we're looking at all parents,
who's safe, who's not safe, andwe also sometimes recognize that
we're trapped.
We are trapped physically, thatwe're trapped, we are trapped
physically and we're trapped inour mind.
And I think in that time I wasable just to tap into a lot of
(13:34):
things within myself, even veryyoung.
I would say never underestimatea young person, young person.
I also believe that we areinnately born with these
beautiful intuitive tools and wehave the skill set and it's a
matter unfortunately, you know,I tapped into mine a little bit
(13:57):
earlier through trauma and Idon't believe that we have to do
that through trauma.
I believe that we all have that.
I think it's just finding now Icould see it's finding
stillness, stillness in yourbody, making the time we don't
need a lot of time, really,honestly, five minutes and if
(14:19):
you want to call it spacing outjust to find stillness within
your body.
And if it's daydreaming, peopleused to say you're daydreaming,
but the daydreaming was reallya time where I was able to tap
into myself and later on itbecame a lot more, where it
became meditation and journaling, and then I found a lot of ways
(14:42):
to find what is my truth, whatfeels safe, what you know, these
people around me, looking atthem and evaluating them.
I think that's when I was ableto recognize like, who can I
count on?
And, unfortunately, when you'rein such a severe traumatic
(15:04):
place, sometimes yourself is theonly person that you could sort
it out with.
Rose (15:10):
I know you told me once
because I told you I was very
intuitive at a young age, andyou said to me that lots of
times your intuition comesbecause of the trauma that
you've experienced.
Because of the trauma thatyou've experienced, you know,
and what I'm hearing is that youcreated a safe space, a safe
(15:33):
environment for yourself throughdaydreaming or through just
going within, becoming moreself-aware of what's happening
and just a day by day, right,right, and I know you're very
close to your family andprobably what kept you coming
back and not running away wasthat you had a sister who was
younger than you, or youngeryounger and you were close to
(15:55):
your mom.
Cindy (15:56):
Very close to my mom.
Rose (15:57):
Yeah, and your mom was
aware of the abuse you feel or
you know.
Cindy (16:01):
At some point you did
realize that she was aware of it
or, you know, at some point youdid realize that she was aware
of it.
Uh, so I had.
So there was a picture, sointeresting.
Um, my dad, he is considered atrue pedophile.
So he is attracted to children,and that's what a true, that's
really what a pedophile is iswhen they're attracted to the
(16:23):
bodies of a young person,physical attributes that they
don't have any, they're notmature.
And so when I was a child, he,yes, he did fondle me, but what
he was attracted to was picturetaking, so pornography.
(16:43):
So he would take pictures of me, often in the middle of the
night and later on, when Idecided not to do that and push
back, that's when the physicalabuse started and more
manipulation, mind control,physical abuse, and that was me
(17:03):
pushing back.
So my dad being, you know,taking these pictures.
And he showed me this pictureand he said look how beautiful
this is.
He goes this is going to be ourChristmas card.
So you know, I'm young, I'mstill confused, you know, I
think by that time I was likeseven or eight and I thought oh,
(17:28):
okay, this is going to be dad'shappy.
You know I rarely see him happy.
So this is going to be ourChristmas card and I showed it
to my mom.
But even though I promised notto say anything, I showed it to
my mom and my mom just aboutlost her mind and she was
tearing everything up in hisoffice and within that she found
(17:51):
the shoe box full of picturesof me and they were all pretty
much up in white t-shirts andlittle socks and my shoes, and
sometimes they had me twirling abaton or I was just posing and
(18:13):
smiling.
Sometimes it was bare bottom,but that's what the attraction
was for my father and a lot ofpeople don't realize that
pornography child pornography issexual abuse.
Rose (18:28):
Yeah, oh yeah, yeah,
there's different forms, right?
So that's, that's not just thephysical touch, but but also
pornography, and how you evenspeak to a child.
Right and and I think thestatistics I think you'd have
them somewhere it's like oneevery six child is abused excuse
me, one out of six men, andthose are only the reported
(18:52):
cases.
Cindy (18:52):
Those are those brave
souls that actually went and
went to the authorities,reported it and if I think I was
(19:14):
not one of those people, I wasterrified that I was not going
to even survive past 10.
I really thought I was going todie.
I would think about that allthe time, like I hope I can make
it, I hope I'm going to makethis live, not um, I was just
terrified that I would neverlive, but um, and living in that
(19:35):
fear.
I always think about how manyother people had that same kind
of fear or, if they had thatfear, still went ahead and
reported to the authorities.
So the number and the statisticis a lot higher than we think.
Rose (19:52):
And I know one of the
things that you want to do is
make people more aware of what'shappening, and that is a reason
, one of the reasons why youwrote your book and in sharing
your story.
How has this made you heal aswell, by writing your memoir and
sharing your story with others?
Cindy (20:16):
Well, you're going to
find this interesting been one
of the hardest things I've everdone, because when we go to a
therapist and we share privatelyand we talk about our pain, our
grief, and we work on it, thenwe heal and we move past that.
(20:38):
That's what I would considersuccessful trauma healing.
But if you had to go back afterall that process and write
everything that had happened andvocalized what had happened,
and when you're writing it'svery different.
It's so that the reader couldunderstand.
(21:00):
You know the grief and the pain.
You have to really tap backinto that pain and that grief so
that somebody else, um, perhapswho has not been through this
journey, could really understandthe depth of the pain.
And you write it in those words.
So in this process Ire-traumatized myself I don't
(21:21):
even know if that's a word.
I traumatized myself all overagain, and so then I started to
go through backflashes.
I dissociated little bits hereand there, and I remember
throwing my computer on thefloor, thinking why am I doing
this?
What is the point in this?
(21:43):
And I would always think aboutthe 10 lives that I could change
, the 10 people and the rippleeffect in that.
Those 10 people and within the10 people if they could change
their selves and changegenerational trauma and how that
could ripple out.
It's always the first stone inthe water that creates the
(22:06):
largest ripple, but it's thehardest one to throw, and I kept
on thinking about it, but Ican't even tell you how many
times I was swearing and cryingand thinking about this, because
it was hard.
Then I had to go all the wayback to therapy as I was writing
this book and I would cry thereand try to figure it out, and
(22:29):
so I felt compelled and I feelthat this was a calling.
It was something that I'vealways wanted to do, but for a
person who was sworn to secrecyand really I felt like my voice
had been removed and to what Ilook at it now, I think my voice
(22:49):
was never regained to thestrength that it is, and I think
that is the gift in this bookand the gift in talking about
this is that I found my voiceagain, and in a solid way, in a
productive way, so that I couldeducate and inform other people
(23:10):
what goes on, and because Ithink we're very, in some sense,
very naive and sheltered aboutthis, because we do not talk
about a lot of our sexualbehaviors or our thoughts, and
this is part of the reason whythis perpetuates, and this has
been going on since thebeginning of time.
(23:31):
But through discussion, I dobelieve through awareness, we
could find more solutions orresolution to this, and I think
it just starts and initiateswith conversation.
Yeah, that's my objective.
Rose (23:46):
Yeah, and in a way, you
were fortunate enough to have a
discussion with your dad towardsthe end of his life, when he
wasn't well, and you maintaineda relationship with your dad
throughout his life, right, soit was never that you left him
or abandoned him.
He was ill.
(24:07):
You even visited him.
He came to your home and youwere able to, I guess, get some
closure by asking him about this, and you write about that in
your book.
Cindy (24:20):
So I do want to say,
before I start going on about
this, that not everybody's youknow you have to do what works
for you.
If you have somebody thatcreated harm to you or like
whatever it may be, I think youhave to listen to yourself and
(24:41):
understand that maybeencountering this person, maybe
being with this person, is notthe right thing for you.
However, since he was my family, my, he's a family member I've
very, I have very I'm crazyrooted into my, my family and I
(25:04):
always recognized, from the verybeginning, that it was my
boundaries.
I may not like them, but it'smy boundaries that I put on that
I have with that person and ifand if I living in a household
um, I recognize that you knowwith a monster, how do I have
(25:24):
boundaries with this person?
So this just didn't occurovernight.
It was something that happenedthrough my life, and having my
dad around was a hard thing tofind boundaries with him, but I
was able to establish it and, um, so I did.
(25:49):
I was able to put boundaries onmy father and still have him in
my life.
I felt that, um, I had a lot ofcontempt for him.
My sister did, and she's atherapist and I really respect
her for this.
She was like I don't want tosee dad, I don't want to be
around him, I don't want mychildren around him.
(26:10):
And I thought what a beautifulthing.
She knew exactly where shestood.
But for me, I thought it's morework, it's more energy to
dismiss him.
So I was honoring myself and inthis process I feel it was the
harder road, but I had to havehim within the boundaries that I
(26:36):
had already established when Iwas younger.
So he would come to the door, Iwould say, even though he denied
all the way up until he waspractically 80.
And that was basically sayingokay, dad, you're coming in,
you're going to the table, youcould go to the bathroom you are
not allowed to go into anybedrooms and you could see, you
(26:59):
know, be with the family, seeeverybody, but then that's it.
And my dad would say and weprobably had this conversation a
thousand times every time hecame over and I and then he
would go, why do you say this?
Or he would just sometimes sitthere silent, but it was our
little dance.
And then he would come over.
And why did I do this?
I just felt that and I'vealways taken the longer road,
(27:26):
the harder road, and in thisprocess I was able to be angry
and step aside and heal.
Be angry and step aside andheal.
So that was what I recognizedin myself was how I went through
my journey.
I couldn't.
If I were never to see him, Ithink I wouldn't be this person
(27:51):
who I am right now.
But I know that my sister hascome all the way and she found
her journey and we're exactly inthe same spot.
Rose (28:00):
Well, everybody's
different.
You know, I'm listening, I'mhearing you talk about how he
used to come over and you usedto set those boundaries.
Was it almost as if you were?
As a young child?
You were not able to controlthe situation, and maybe now you
, as he was, you were an adultand he was coming into your home
(28:21):
.
You were almost controlling hismovements.
This time.
Cindy (28:26):
Brilliant Rose.
I have to say I never reallythought about that.
I think I have to say, and Iknow this so when your power has
been taken away, you have toreestablish your power, and I
think you're right about that.
(28:46):
I didn't recognize it in thisscenario, but I think that's how
I learned.
To re-empower myself is putmyself in the crosshairs of
something and challenge myselfhow am I going to empower myself
in this horrific, scarysituation?
I think you're right.
You're onto it.
(29:06):
Yes, you are, and that wasgreat.
Rose (29:11):
And you were also being a
mama bear because you had young
children in the home and youwanted to make sure they were
safe.
Cindy (29:17):
They also were very
curious about their grandfather.
I didn't know how to.
I mean, how do you say, oh well, your grandfather's a pedophile
and they're like you know,seven or six and you know, I
guess I could have said that.
But, um, in a weird, strangeway, every time they saw their
(29:42):
grandfather they would say he'skind of weird, or I get a funny
feeling when I'm around him.
I would always say trust thatfeeling, think about that
feeling, think about that whenit's that exact same feeling, I
want you to recognize that inthe world around you.
And I really believe that thereare a lot of scenarios in life
(30:04):
that we dismiss.
We dismiss, we dismiss our gutintuition and I feel mine is so
developed.
And now I look at my childrenand I have to say it's not only
from their grandfather, but it'ssomething that I've talked
about, but at least they couldfeel it.
It's also interesting that Ijust did a video with my kids.
(30:28):
I've been doing these videos onwhat was it like to grow up
with a pedophile in the family.
You know, as a grandfather, andthroughout the years I found
you know, I would say well, whatadvice do you have for other
families that you could do youknow that you would do?
What would you suggest?
What would you suggest, youknow?
Did you feel shame, you know?
What would you suggest?
What would you suggest?
You know?
What did you feel shame, youknow?
(30:48):
What would you suggest forother kids?
So they've, they've had.
I've had these videos wherethey're talking about it, but
now it's interesting, they'renow in their thirties.
My daughter just had a baby.
Thank you, thank you.
It's so amazing.
And my daughter is a therapist.
Um, so actually she's a sexualsex therapist and she brought up
(31:10):
something very buoyant and thatis consent.
And she said I don't know if Iwould have done this, you know,
like, at what point do we haveconsent?
So I think that's a veryimportant issue, consent, and
(31:31):
something that I need to explorea little bit more.
They recognize why I told themat different ages, but I think
that's something maybe I didn'treally think about in my
scenario.
Maybe it worked for me, but Ididn't think about it during
(31:51):
that time.
Yes, it worked out just fine,but when I listened to my
daughter, who's a therapist, andshe said, well, what about
consent?
So that is something to thinkabout and entertain.
You don't have to have apedophile in your family.
You could have anybody in yourfamily who is just toxic, and at
what point you know you reallyhave to think about your
(32:12):
children, how they could handlethings if they have outbursts.
You know, like at what point doyou say no, no, no, no, I'm not
dealing with this, or you couldcome back to it, or I'm, I'm
not allowing this person in mylife.
So I think there is a lot moreto be unfolded and this is part
(32:32):
of the reason I'm here talkingto you.
So it's something that we couldcreate more discussions around
consent and what works forpeople.
Rose (32:39):
I've read or I've heard
you say that awareness is
education and your goal is tobring awareness to this topic.
And how do you do that?
I know you have Sydney Talks,you have a podcast or you've
been on podcasts your book.
Can you share some ways inwhich you are trying and attempt
to make people more aware ofthe signs of sexual abuse and
(33:02):
awareness of sexual abuse?
Cindy (33:05):
Well, from what I'm going
to go back, I just so people
understand where I'm coming from.
So I recall, you know, as achild looking for guidance and
help.
I just wanted to know somebodywho survived, who was just not a
therapist, not a specialist.
(33:26):
I wanted to see somebody inreal life who had gone through
this and healed and came out onthe other end and then actually
had a healthy relationship, youknow, raise their family and
their children.
So I was looking for examplesof that and I would pick up
different books and I was notable to find that.
(33:47):
So they were either therapeuticor they were.
The books were so traumatic thatare traumatizing, that I found
that it didn't give me any hope,it just traumatized me more.
So that was the intent inwriting.
My book was not.
I was very, very cognizant tonot to traumatize my reader.
(34:11):
That it was like showing theperson, when you have trauma,
what the journey looks like,what it's just the inspiration
of knowing.
It's of knowing, of having hopeat the end that you can come
(34:35):
through and be whole and be afunctioning person in society
and have a loving relationshipand um, and take the wisdom out
of trauma, from that trauma andgo for it.
It doesn't have to be justsexual abuse.
But, to answer your question,through this process I think we
(35:02):
haven't had enough conversationsbecause we're still back at
therapeutic or people who haveshared their stories where
they're traumatizing and we just, I think a lot of people, from
the value of what I am doing,they're getting hope and
inspiration that they too cancarry on, that they too can have
(35:25):
a normal life again, that frommuck, from destruction, from
something that was toxic, thatthey too can heal and really
persevere and thrive in life,and I think that is truly the
value and the lesson in what Iam talking about.
(35:48):
So, through discussion, it'sjust one person at a time.
I also am hoping to get morespeaking opportunities where I
can talk openly about this,about sexual assault, sexual
abuse, and educate others,because people often think that,
(36:11):
well, that didn't happen to meand it's certainly not going to
happen to my children or anybodyin their family.
But we don't really know that,we don't know what really
happens and a lot of times wedon't share.
But I find it interesting, menoften have the hardest.
They are still one out of thesix and Ben often have a lot of
(36:33):
shame around this.
I mean, we're back still in thedark ages, where men don't have
a platform to talk about this,and I have had more men come up
to me.
I'm I'm an event planner and I'mdoing an event and in this time
, somebody will come up orraising you know, for a charity
(36:53):
or or what it may be, and a manwill come up to me and somebody
that I don't know and say, hey,cindy, I follow you.
I listened to your, you know,I've listened to this podcast,
or um, I see your messaging outthere and I just want to say
good for you.
Or I see your messaging outthere and I just want to say
good for you.
This happened to me and youhave given me hope that you know
(37:13):
that maybe someday that thiswill change, or maybe you know,
I have found you know, andthey'll say X, y, z.
This is very valuable tool, butI always push a little further
and I always say, well, wouldyou ever be willing to talk
about this?
Rose (37:31):
Or like absolutely not.
Cindy (37:32):
I have not shared this
with my partner.
It's changed my sexuality.
I have not been able to sharethis with anybody and there's
too much shame around it.
And so when I hear that, yes, Iam very happy.
But it's always the more that Ineed to do in speaking out
(37:52):
because I feel there are sothere's so many people out there
who worried about theirreputation.
Maybe a CEO at a company who'sjust still wounded would love to
talk to somebody but can't.
Maybe a mom who has childrenwho still struggles with her
(38:14):
boundaries about the family, orfamily saying no, no, no, we
think you've made this up,you're lying and we're not going
to take this person out of ourlives.
So it's things like that.
How do we negotiate?
Because you know, maybe it's anephew, you know.
So it's things like that.
How do we negotiate?
Because you know, maybe it's anephew, you know, maybe it's
your brother.
How do we negotiate?
(38:35):
And you know this, and findjourneys?
You know, find those boundariesin life because they're
extremely complicated and theydon't just involve one person or
two.
It involves the family union.
Rose (38:51):
There has to be a starting
point where someone like that,
who may not be able to saypublicly to the family, you know
, go to therapy, like yourdaughter's a therapist, or who
helps people who've experiencedthis.
There's a starting point wherethey you know if you're out
there and who've experiencedthis.
There's a starting point wherethey, some you know if you're
out there and you've experiencedthis there go see a therapist,
(39:14):
go find some help, because inthe long run, the longer you
hold this in, it can affect andspill over into your
relationships and even yourhealth.
That is we hold these emotionalthings and they come out as
disease.
Right.
Cindy (39:33):
That is actually
something that I believe my
mother she was sick most of hermarriage life and I believe
there were a lot of things thatshe denied and closed her eyes
and I think a lot of itmanifested in her body.
But I think just in general.
(39:54):
I mean, as you and I know, whenwe have something that's
worrisome, I mean it takes atoll on our body.
And if you're fortunate to livea long life, if you think about
all those different you knowyou're putting in all these
little pits in your body andwhen you think about how much of
(40:15):
that that you're storing up inyour body, it's going to take a
toll.
And if we could eliminate someof those pits and take them out,
just how much I mean you couldeat the perfect diet, you could
exercise, you could eat theperfect diet, you could exercise
, you could do all these things.
But it's that, it's that on acellular level, eliminating that
grief and that pain.
(40:37):
And sometimes it comes throughconversation.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe conversation.
There's a lot of ways toexercise that out of you and
take them out.
To exercise that out of you andtake them out and in your work
like, what do you do in yourwork to take and move out that
(40:58):
Energy.
Energy or those pits yeah.
Rose (41:02):
Well, through yoga it can
be done through movement, but as
well as Qigong, because Qigongwe work with energy and we tune
our awareness to where thoseblocks can occur.
And the same with Reiki.
So we have blocked energy inour bodies.
(41:23):
Issues pain in your chest, youknow that could be from heart
and grief, asthma, you know, thephysical ailments that you're
experiencing most likely is amanifestation of blocked energy,
and that blocked energy is fromemotions that we've experienced
that are not processed.
(41:43):
So a person who, let's say,someone who lost a husband, and
doesn't process that grief andholds on to that grief,
eventually they may have issueswith breathing or their lungs,
or breast cancer or blockedarteries in their heart because
you're not processing thatenergy, that energy is not
(42:05):
moving through and you're justkeeping those emotions inside.
And I think when we spoke once,you mentioned something about
having pink eye, I think as achild or something, because I
had asked you about did you everexperience any physical
ailments growing up?
Cindy (42:23):
So I had constant pink
eye and I had gut retching
stomach aches all the time.
Just it was nonstop.
That was all the way up into myteens.
And what is what's your gut?
Tell me again.
Rose (42:39):
So the gut is the stomach,
is associated with worry, is
the emotion of worry, andprocessing that, and also with a
large intestines, is grief.
So you could have been grievinga life that you didn't maybe
have, a childhood that youdidn't really have like
everybody else because of whathappened to you.
(43:00):
And then the I's are associatedwith the liver, and the liver
is anger and frustration.
So holding on onto anger, maybein a way that maybe you want it
to be feel more poised or incontrol, or just didn't have
someone or an outlet you didn'thave an outlet to be like angry.
Or someone listened to you,maybe someone you didn't feel
(43:24):
you were heard and it manifestedin the pink guy, cause it was.
You know you didn't have anexpression, right, right.
But yeah, it's really importantto tune in, to know you know if
you have a physical ailment, oreven if you're, if you don't
but you're angry, if you holdonto that anger, it's going to
come out somehow.
Cindy (43:45):
Right, right.
And when you do yoga, is theresomething like, for example,
what that I could do.
That's just something that Icould do, maybe daily, to
exercise and release somethingthat maybe like my concerns for
the day.
Just, you know something, maybefive minutes, 10 minutes that I
(44:08):
could do.
Rose (44:09):
Well, breath work is very
powerful.
I think, if you have anymoments throughout the day,
breath work is really powerfulbecause just using the mind and
moving the breath of the body,you can use that breath to move
the energy from the base of yourspine all the way out through
your crown.
And there's also any kind ofheart opening movement, like
just, you know, putting a pillowbehind your back and laying on
(44:30):
that pillow and opening up yourheart space and with the
intention of releasing any pentup emotions and anger, because
the liver is right underneaththe rib cage.
So you're opening up that spaceand you're asking that energy
to move through and out of you.
With that intention, with yourmind, the mind's very powerful.
As we know people who arehealers and who have experienced
(44:54):
what you've experienced youknow our mind is very powerful
to help us heal.
So any movement, physicalmovement, helps move the energy.
But if you can't do that, youcan use just the intention,
intention, your intention andyour breath to move that.
Cindy (45:09):
so, yeah, so if I were to
get on, perhaps, like I like
the idea of a pillow, but I havemy workout equipment I was
thinking there's a bench and ifI were able to get on the bench
and extend my arms up?
And lift my chest up and focuson my breathing or sound that
(45:34):
that would be able to releasesome of that stagnant energy.
Rose (45:39):
Correct, yeah, yes.
And even movement.
Even if you have a workoutbench and you have weights in
your hand and you're doing theseflies and opening and closing,
you're releasing that energy aswell.
You're working the nerves andthe muscles around the heart and
the lungs and the liver,because you know, it's not just
the organs but we have thatcellular structure, that fascia
(46:03):
and the fascia in the body.
Think about it as like a webinside the body that holds all
the organs and all the musclestogether and all the bones, and
it's like a communication system.
So when you're healing one area, you're sending that healing
throughout the whole body.
So if you're asking to move theenergy in your heart space or in
your liver area or your throat,oftentimes people that don't
(46:24):
express pent up emotions oranything they feel they don't
have a voice, have issues withtheir throat, thyroid issues, a
lot of allergies or even neckissues and shoulder issues,
because that's all related tothe throat, right, yeah?
So when we have stuck energy,so, yeah.
So a lot of these physicalmovements is great, just even
(46:48):
going outside and shaking thebody.
So I say outside because beingin nature is wonderful.
So just go out there and justlike shake your arms, shake your
legs, shake your shoulders,shake everything and move that
energy out.
Cindy (47:02):
Right It'll help release
it.
What do you feel about dance?
I remember when I was young andI couldn't think of anything, I
remember just turning on musicand humming, just so that I
could feel the vibration in mythroat because I felt so shut
down and dance and it wouldrelease.
(47:25):
I remember I loved drummingmusic.
I love drums for some reason.
Just the vibration of that.
Oh, and here you have a drum.
Rose (47:36):
I have a drum.
I have a 16 inch drum which Iuse during Reiki healing for
others, because the sound of thedrum, the vibration, helps to
move and unblock the energy andalso help ground a person,
because it can sound like theheartbeat of the earth and it
can help ground you.
So the drum is powerful and thedance is so.
(47:57):
You know, native American orHawaiian or any culture, dances
to express themselves and thedance can represent different
things.
So, yes, dancing is so, sopowerful those.
Cindy (48:13):
That's something that all
could do in our homes, just
opening up our chest.
You also mentioned one thingand I wanted to take that with
me.
It was something that you saidum, it was the first thing that
you mentioned.
It was something about throughyour spine.
What was the yes?
Rose (48:31):
yeah, so you breathe from
it, and you could breathe and
visualize the energy from thebase of your spine up to the
crown of your head, or even inthe opposite direction, because
the base of your spine is ground, it grant grounds you, it's
your root chakra, and thenyou're just, and each chakra is
associated with the organs andalso emotions that may be
(48:52):
blocked.
So it's just a very simple wayto picture that energy rising
from your root all the way up toyour crown and just releasing
it from your head, your crownchakra or the top of your head.
Cindy (49:06):
Oh, okay, so taking it
from your tailbone.
Rose (49:12):
Correct From your tailbone
, reading it all the way up.
Cindy (49:15):
You think that, whatever
it is you're feeling in your
body and picturing like a lightor something coming out through
the center of your body up tothe top of through your head.
Is that right through?
Rose (49:27):
the center of your body up
to the top of through your head
.
Is that right?
Yes, we have, because we haveenergy points at the top of our
head and also the by way it'scalled, and also at the base of
our spine here again, it'scalled in Chinese medicine and
we can release and draw inenergy from either one of those
points.
We have other energy points inour bodies as well.
Cindy (49:49):
So, Rose, if there was
something that, like, say, for
example, I was feeling anxiousabout I don't know, just feeling
anxious about something stress,is there like a part where I
could put my hands on my body,like, say, for example, my
sacrum, so like in the lowerpart of my back, and just hold
(50:12):
my hands there so that it couldalleviate some of that anxiety?
Rose (50:18):
Yes, wherever you put your
hands, I think you need to tune
in and allow the hands tointuitively go anywhere, that
they're guided to go, andthat'll help you feel good,
whether it's on your lower backor maybe even on your heart.
You know, lots of times justputting your hands somewhere on
your heart feels good.
But yes, if you want to putyour hands on your lower back
(50:40):
and send that energy there toheal your lower back and to
remove some of the anxietybecause the anxiety comes from
the lower back and your adrenalsthe adrenal gland, which is
part of your uh, lays on top ofyour kidneys um, feeling
grounded, working on thegrounding energy, that will help
(51:02):
calm you because what it doesis it stimulates the sympathetic
nervous system, which is thefight and flight, fight, flight.
You know you want to kind offight and the nervous system
reacts that way.
You want to stimulate theparasympathetic nervous system,
which is the calming, thebalancing, feeling safe.
(51:25):
So anxiety is something that alot of people experience,
especially women.
I think we take on everybody'semotions, feelings, stuff and it
creates this anxiety within usand it creates that lower back
pain.
Cindy (51:45):
So I am going to share
that with.
I have a special needs son, andat work sometimes he just gets
anxious, and so he'll call meand say what can I do?
This is what I'm feeling, soI'm going to suggest that where
he could do that in public, youknow, without looking.
So he has.
He's an epileptic too, sosometimes the anxiety will bring
(52:08):
on a seizure.
So, I will suggest to him thento put his hands on his lower
back, where it looks like he'sjust having some back pain, and
maybe rest his eyes towards hiskeyboard or close his eyes and
just take a few minutes andbreathe that in.
When I would dissociate and Iwould try to stay present, I
(52:31):
would often, you know, sittingdown because I'm with other
people, you know, maybe I'mhaving dinner or somebody's
fighting, and then I woulddissociate.
So I would kick off my shoes,you know to slip off my shoes,
discreetly underneath the tableor wherever I was, and I would
just rub my toes into the groundso that I would not, you know,
(52:55):
go in my own world.
Or I would also feel thetexture of my pants and rub my
pants, you know, like just on mylegs, and focus on the texture
to bring myself back.
And within that rubbing of mylegs it was also self-soothing,
but I was able to stay present.
(53:15):
So those are even, you know,for Brian, my son, who may have
seizures, you know, taking someof that anxiety away, so he
won't.
But also, I think that's avaluable thing If somebody out
there has triggers ordissociation and they feel like
they're going out in control.
(53:37):
those are really good things toremember.
Just putting your hand, likeyou said, on your heart and
seeing how to calm down yourbreath and stay present.
Rose (53:47):
That's great we reach for
our phones.
We want to jump out and getstarted is to just put your
hands over your heart and evenon your solar plexus, right
below that's your place ofempowerment and self-worth and
(54:10):
just breathe into the spacebefore you even start the day
and set the intention for agreat day.
It takes one minute, you know,just to breathe and start and
just say I'm going to have agreat day, it's going to be a
calm day.
No, to breathe and start andjust say I'm going to have a
great day, it's going to be acalm day, no anxiety, and
everything's just going tohappen the way it's supposed to
happen and I'm going to bepresent and grateful for just
another day, and just take a fewmoments to breathe here.
(54:31):
And I find that that sets themost wonderful tone for the
entire day and it's free andit's really simple.
Cindy (54:40):
I love it.
I love anything that's free.
Solar plexus is where.
Rose (54:45):
It's right below, where
your liver is, right below that,
the rib cage.
So that's our place ofempowerment.
So a lot of times, even women,you know you lack, we lack a
self worth and feeling like weowned or we're in control.
So that's right below there andI always feel that the heart
and the solar plexus they gokind of hand in hand.
(55:07):
They're like partners, and so Ijust place my hands there when
I start the day.
Cindy (55:13):
Beautiful.
I'm going to take that, I'mgoing to incorporate that in my
life.
That.
Rose (55:21):
I know you also share.
You have other things that youlike to do.
I know sticky notes is a bigthing for you, right and
affirmations and, yeah, so manyother things that you do share,
if you don't mind sharing ofcourse.
Cindy (55:35):
So when I was, I
contemplated suicide because I
was just self-loathing, and so Itried to find things that were
inspirational.
So I remember at that timePost-its were not even invented
then but we took little piecesof paper and I would tape them
to the bathroom mirror.
So I would do mantra work, butI didn't know they were mantra
(55:58):
work and I would make up my ownmantra and at that time I was
trying to really focus on justself love and, um, you know, I
couldn't even find anything onmy body that I really liked, but
I did like my front teeth andmy eyebrows at that time, and I
would say a mantra and thenfocus on the two things that I
(56:19):
loved.
And then later on, you know, ifyou think about how many times
you brush your teeth, how manytimes you go to the bathroom,
how many times you know you washyour hands throughout the day,
you know it ends up being likein the hundreds.
And so if you even though, ifyou don't believe it, it
actually does a shift by sayingit, looking into the mirror,
(56:41):
watching yourself, it does makea shift.
And later on it became a lotmore elaborate, it became sticky
notes and I would haveinspirational quotes, things
that somebody would say to me,and I would write it down.
And when it didn't resonate itI tear it off.
And sometimes that they were sogood, I tear it off.
And sometimes that they were sogood I would keep them in a
(57:02):
file and put them back on mymirror, maybe the following year
or maybe the next week, butthat was something that really
worked for me.
And just to think that a wordcan own you or a thought can own
you was oh boy.
(57:29):
It still makes me angry, justto think that that could take
over you.
So what I would do as a teenagerI would write those words,
those thoughts, those messages,and I'd write them in felt pen.
I would take them into theshower and kind of put them off
to the side and I'd watch thewords dribble off the paper.
(57:50):
And in that process, you know,later on it became a lot more
sophisticated.
I didn't need to take the paperin, but I would picture the
words washing, you know, liketake, maybe ugly.
I would dump the word ugly ontop of my head and then wash the
(58:14):
word ugly off and then lookdown at the drain and see ugly
go down the drain.
So it became a lot ofvisualization and that was
another exercise I did.
I lived in Spain.
I didn't really have, first ofall we didn't have the internet,
and I had to make up my ownthings that worked for me.
So those were.
(58:35):
That was some of the things Idid.
The mantras those were.
That was some of the things Idid.
You know the mantras,inspirational quotes, letting
words own me.
Nature became a very big tool inhealing.
Those are all free too.
I started that off really early.
That's why the book is calledUnder the Orange Blossoms is
(58:57):
because I would run away to theorchard we lived in rural
Arizona, I believe I just saidthat, but I would run away
inside there and hide, basically, and I found sanctuary in there
, these beautiful trees thatgrew up in the mud and their
roots were slightly extended andI would picture myself you know
(59:18):
, I'm growing up in the mud andthey would either have feast or
famine, because a lot of timesyou would flood the roots of
this plant and then they woulddry and become crackly and they
would start the process all overagain and I would think like
that was me.
That's what I related to again,and I would think like that was
(59:42):
me, that's what I related to,and I could scream at the trees,
and the trees didn't springback at me, they just shielded
me, and so in a lot of ways, theplants became my parents.
I would look at them and thinkthis is how I would like my
parents to be right now.
So I think we could find a lotof things after that.
You know, just the smellbeautiful smells became a thing
(01:00:04):
and we could create our ownsanctuary within our house with,
you know, candles.
You don't have to have a candleeither, but that happened to be
, since we're very, they say,that is one of the things.
Um, still to this day, cinnamonis really hard for me, because
my dad would come in my room.
I happened to have a cinnamoncandle and, through the trauma,
(01:00:28):
I would smell only the cinnamonor um.
So it took me a while to getback and find, you know, think
about the holidays and thinkabout cinnamon and um.
But so there's a lot of thingsthat we can do that are
stimulating just throughsensories and nature.
So those were a lot of thingsto just working in there, um, in
(01:00:52):
our spaces that we don't haveto go out, creating your own
beautiful sanctuary and spaceand honoring that.
You know your places, you knowwhere you look and go.
Oh, this is a good place, andhaving multiple of them.
Rose (01:01:05):
I'm so grateful that you
were here to share your story
and your wonderful wisdom andeverything that you do.
I'm so blessed that you werehere today.
Cindy (01:01:17):
Likewise, likewise, and I
have to say I really value and
I hope that other listeners findthe value in what the exercises
of what you were talking aboutwith anxiety and just giving,
being grateful and tellingyourself that you are going to
have a good day and if you havea hiccup, put your hand back on
(01:01:40):
there and you are going to have,you're going to make it through
this day.
So that was I hope other peoplefind value in.
Rose (01:01:48):
Well, thank you for asking
.
No one has ever asked me.
I felt that was interviewed,that was really nice.
But what I would like to askyou is just you know, for
anybody out there listening thatis a victim or even not a
victim, or knows people, can youjust give them a message?
One last message.
Cindy (01:02:06):
Absolutely.
You know, no one's exempt oftrauma.
That is the reality of ourhuman existence.
Here we are not exempt oftrauma.
This happens to be just mystory and we all, whatever it is
we do, come through and if youbelieve, if you truly, truly
(01:02:29):
believe, there will be a way foryou to come out on the other
side.
And there is light on the otherside and there's hope.
I hope that you pick up my book.
It's not as traumatizing as youmay think it is.
It's actually a book ofinspiration and hope.
It's just to read somebodyelse's journey and recognize
(01:02:55):
that you too will come out onthe other side and thrive.
Rose (01:03:03):
Thank you so much, Cindy,
for being here today.
I truly appreciate it and inthe show notes I will include
everything, including Cindy'sbook, where you can find Cindy.
And, once again, thank you somuch for being here today.
It's an honor Rose.
Thank you.
Thank you for joining me
here on Chat Off The Mat.
(01:03:25):
I hope these stories haveinspired you.
If you've enjoyed this episode,please share it with those who
might benefit.
Your support helps me spreadawareness about the power of
transformative healing.
Stay connected with me onsocial media.
Reach out with your own healingstories or topics you'd like me
to explore in future episodes.
(01:03:45):
Your voice is an essential partof this community.
I hope that your healingjourney is filled with
self-discovery, curiosity,resilience and the unwavering
belief in the power that resideswithin you.
Until next time, I'm RoseWhippage, wishing you a journey
filled with love, laughter andendless possibilities.