Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Good morning, I'm Rusty Alcoholic. Thanks for joining us.
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And I'm Tim and I'm an alcoholic and this is Children of Chaos.
Today we, it's really a deep day for me because I've known this lady for many, many years and
never heard her story. I have just so much respect for this lady and with that I'm just going to say
(00:25):
Amy T. Welcome. Thank you Rusty. I'm Amy and I'm an alcoholic and I've been sober since February
25th of 92 and I'm really glad to be here today. I appreciate you asking me. I guess I'll just get
into it. You know I am from Tulsa, born and raised, actually a small town suburb outside of Tulsa
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called Jinx, America and you know I love my little town. It's not so little anymore, it's growing.
I really had a lot of good memories there. I was born to two parents that you know I perceive as
total opposites. My parents were married for nine years. I came into the picture,
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I think they were married for four years whenever they had me. Then four years later my sister came
along and a year after that they divorced. I was five, my sister was a year old. You know I can say
like that was the first really big thing that shook my world. You know my first traumatic
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experience that I had. You know and I don't really remember much before that. I have like an
a few little memories but I remember not really understanding what was happening. I just knew that
we left, my mom and my sister and I, we left and we moved into an apartment and my dad stayed
at the house. You know that was really confusing for me and I struggled with that a lot. You know
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my mom tells me that I wouldn't talk about it but you know my perception of it was I didn't
know how. I didn't know you know how to express myself but I also didn't feel like I had anyone.
You know I felt very alone at a really young age and that was difficult for me and I really
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I tried to get my parents back together for a long time, years actually or at least in my mind I did
and I think it was about when I was about 10 years old I realized that that wasn't going to happen
because my mom had a boyfriend which I mean I think she had a boyfriend pretty quickly after
they split up but I saw her kissing a guy and it it broke my heart. You know so time goes on. You
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know I'm going to a school where you know I see kids having a lot of nice things and you know we
weren't poor. I mean I had everything that I needed. You know my mom worked for the state and my dad,
he was in construction for you know then and he paid child support every month. He picked my sister
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and I up every other weekend but I learned at a really young age and that you know I really
felt like I needed to walk on eggshells around him because I didn't want to upset him. It seemed
he like seemed pretty rigid and but not communicative and so I didn't feel like I could express myself.
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If I was like excited about something it was too much and you know I felt like I was too much and
so I just kind of shut down and you know and going back to just feeling alone you know feeling like
I couldn't be myself or I guess I just didn't learn how to be myself. I guess I just didn't
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learn how to talk about what was going on you know and I know that that's kind of how my family is is
that they you know we don't we don't lay the stuff out on the table and discuss what's going on. All
the discussions are done behind the scenes you know behind the backs and you know that's just
the environment that I grew up in. There was no alcohol in either one of our homes. I mean I saw
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my dad drinking occasionally like having a beer and my mom you know she would drink with their
friends but I never saw her drunk until later on one time I did but I just felt like something was
not okay within within me and you know I remember feeling a lot of shame early on
but like I said I saw these kids they had all this stuff and and I thought that that would fix me you
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know. I was looking on the outside of me to change the way I felt on the inside of me before I ever
you know picked up a drink or a drug or anything like that. What I started doing was taking people's
stuff. I started stealing. I like to say I started my criminal career in third grade.
You know there was a kid in my class and he had it was whenever the handheld video games first came
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out and Atari had like a pretty big handheld video game and I thought I wanted that. My mom and I were
going on a ski trip and I was like I'm gonna I'm gonna take that with me on my trip and so I took
it from him and I stuck it in my bag and and I thought I was slick and you know I put it in my
tote bag and I put the tote bag on put my coat on over the tote bag but he noticed that it was gone
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before class was over and so they were everybody was looking for it and I got caught you know and
everybody saw that I got caught and that just added to my my my shame and and you know feeling
like I wasn't lovable and you know I got in trouble. I think I got swats you know with a ping-pong
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paddle. It wasn't it wasn't like severe but and then my mom made me bake him cookies and
but you know that that was pretty damaging to my you know my soul and how I felt about myself
and how I thought other people perceived me and you know that became a pattern for me
where you know I would do things and people would see it and so you know I judged myself on that
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you know I started just carrying around this big bag of you know reasons to hate myself
and I was young you know I mean I was I was probably third grade eight nine years old I don't know
but yeah I like to take things from people. I've stole things like inhalers and just dumb stuff. I
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thought you know I saw kids at school they would like break their arm or their leg and and people
would sign their cast and I thought well maybe people would like me if I had a cast and they
could sign my cast and you know I mean I just like my my little brain was just like warped
you know my perception was it makes me sad to think about it today so by the time I had a drink or
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had enough alcohol in my body to change the way I felt well let me say I started huffing gas in my
garage before I ever took a drink. I saw a kid from our neighborhood and and he would pour gas
into a cup and just inhale it and so so we had a gas can in our garage and and I would pop the
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little um on a little vent lid on it and just suck on that gas and and it would make me black out
and I really I loved that feeling like I just it gave me a big escape and I don't really talk about
that that much but that was the first time I did something to change the way I felt and
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but one day I woke up I came to in the garage and I I had gas all over me it had like spit on it
all over me it had like spilled and I thought oh I probably shouldn't do that anymore so um and I'm
sure I smelled like gas whenever I got to school but I went to the lake with my cousin she's she's
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like five years older than me and it was her and her boyfriend and they had gotten a bunch of wine
coolers and so we went out to Fort Gibson I think it was Fort Gibson Lake and I drank seven wine
coolers it was the best day of my life up to that point you know I felt you know all the warm fuzzies
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I felt elated you know I felt like I always wanted to feel that day and it was amazing
I begged her to go back to the store and get more because I really thought you know if I felt that
good from drinking seven then you know maybe if I had like 10 or 15 then it would be even better
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you know I could turn it up even more and so uh but that's really the way I drank from the first
time it was like you know I loved it and I wanted more I wanted more um the second time I drank I
stood outside of this liquor store and um so there was a dance that night and I didn't go
to the dance I met up with a friend of mine that used to go to school with me but she
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wasn't anymore and we stood outside that liquor store and I had 20 bucks we were just asking
people as they went in and I mean I was probably 13 asking people you know and they're like no
no you know I just like tried to wrap my brain around buying alcohol for somebody of that age
but he showed up the guy showed up and he said sure what do you want and I hand him that 20
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and I said I want the biggest strongest thing they have and this was my second drink and he
brought us a liter of everclear and so yeah so this night was way different than the first night
she and I walked next door there and and we got a gallon of grape juice and we climbed down in
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Joe Creek and we just choked this everclear down and we ended up there was a pizza hut right there
and and everybody went there after the dance and and you know I was just I was so drunk and you know
I was coming in and out of a blackout like I just barely remember being there and but I was so sick
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you know I'd gotten so sick and and I was in the bathroom throwing up and I was told that people
were just like coming over to like see me in the bathroom so you know once again I'm like publicly
humiliating myself in front of my peers and luckily there was a kid from my neighborhood
named Richie and and he he was older and he saw what was going on and he loaded me up in his truck
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and with a paper bag over my face and he dropped me off at my house and I got there fell on top of
my mom and you know I was just so sick and she said she thought I was gonna die she said my lips
were whiter than my face and you know I was just having the dry heaves and and it wasn't very fun
a fun night but uh you know I remember waking up the next day and my thought was I'm never drinking
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everclear again you know because I I loved alcohol I was already in love with alcohol at that point
and so you know I just thought I just overshot the mark and but I was never a beer drinker you know
I never I always went for the the hard stuff because I wanted to get where I wanted to go
as quickly as possible and and uh you know I never just had a drink I mean that's not my experience
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at all I would turn it down if somebody showed up and they had a six pack of beer and offered me one
I would say no what's a beer gonna do for me you know I believe that I had the phenomenon of craving
from the first time I drank and whether or not that's accurate I don't know but you know the
behavior showed it so you know I did that as much as I could and I I wanted to do you know I wanted
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to do it every day I wanted I wanted to feel that way every day I I didn't want to feel like I felt
without it so that's what I set out to do and I just started hanging out with older kids and kids
that weren't going to school and you know I started smoking cigarettes when I was 13
and my mom she didn't really she didn't like it but she didn't really like not make me do it so
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when I would go to my dad's I would be a different kid than whenever I was at my mom's and so for a
while I did that dance where I towed the line when I was there until I couldn't do it anymore
so I really I liked being up my mom's a lot better because I could do whatever I wanted to do you
know I started climbing out my window um you know I started just hanging out with people that you
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know were were doing the things that I like to do I you know I was involved in a lot of school
activities briefly you know I did all of the things you know I played sports and I was a cheerleader
and I was in campfire and did all those things but you know that that didn't that didn't satisfy
what I needed and that was to really change the way that I felt so I got held back in eighth grade
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my parents decided that that was a good idea and then I failed the second time I was in eighth
grade and they went ahead and pushed me pushed me on to high school and I moved in with my dad
my freshman year and you know I was really like I'm going to pull this together I'm going to be a
good kid I'm going to do the right things you know so I transferred to a different school
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that lasted a couple of weeks because I found my people you know they were over at the smoke hole
you know they were over at the smoke hole you know doing the things that I really like to do
and wanted to do and so I turned 16 my freshman year because I got held back and I my what I
remember was my dad promising me a candy apple red 65 convertible mustang or maybe not a convertible
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but a mustang for my birthday and so whenever they opened up the garage to surprise me with my car
it was a 71 nova four-door not even the cute one I remember just being like devastated that that is
what I had to drive and but you know I was a freshman and none of my friends you know in my
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class were driving it that car had two like bench seats in it so I could fit a lot of freshman butts
in that car and the first night I went out with that car I had the idea that I was never going to
be one of those people that drink and drove and so I lied to my dad I told him we were going to bells
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we we went to a party at this girl named Shelly's house and I didn't know Shelly but it was just a
big keg party at her house and I'd been to a bunch you know that year I'd gone to a lot of them
but that night I wasn't going to drink and so I went into the party and I was miserable you know
I was watching all my friends and everybody have this wonderful time and everybody's all carefree
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and happy to be there and I was I hated it I hated it so I went to go sit and pout in my car
and there was a beer sitting on my dash and it really made me angry that somebody would sit a
you know that somebody had been in my car and they put a beer on the dash and so I threw it out the
passenger window well it comes flying back in the car so and I haven't talked about my anger issues
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yet but so I threw it out again and it got thrown back in again and there was this girl named Molly
and she was in the yard so I got out of the car and I beat the crap out of her and then I went in
the party and I got drunk because I deserved to by God at that time and you know that whole idea of
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drinking and driving went out the window and you know I drove home that night and everything was
just fine and so you know I remember waking up the next morning and thinking like I was making way
too big a deal out of that drinking and driving thing and you know and so that you know that value
just it just fell off and that's how my values fell off it was just like oh well I wasn't that
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big of a deal and and I drank and drove a lot I mean I guess every time I drove I was drinking and
and I ended up getting arrested that next day I guess a bunch of stuff had gotten stolen from
Shelly's house and you know and also I beat up Molly so I got arrested for that too and at my
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dad's kitchen table this all all went down and and I remember feeling like this was you know it wasn't
good because I don't do those kind of things in front of my dad and I don't you know I don't want
him to know the things that I'm doing and so he grounded me from my car and I ran away from home
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because I was like I'm not I'm not willing to accept those consequences so I went off with some
of my friends that didn't really have very much parental supervision and we ended up down at the
lake and uh state there was a guy that we went to school with and his family had a house down there
and a boat and so we we stayed down there I want to say for like a week and we broke into the stores
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and stole all their beer and we all stayed down there until it all ran out you know I mean we had
a ton of alcohol and I just thought it was great and then whenever I got back I went back and lived
with my mom again I didn't talk to my dad for a long time and uh you know I guess I was going to
show him that he couldn't do me that way and and you know I can't imagine what that was like for him
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like how how that made him feel but I wasn't thinking about that I didn't you know I thought
about myself first you know he had gotten me some really cool little summer jobs and I liked working
especially if there was a cash register involved I loved that and and technology wasn't like it is
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today back then it was I'd take money some for you some for me some for you so I always had money and
you know he gave me an allowance too and he was pretty generous with giving allowance you know so
I always had money to buy alcohol and one year he got me a job at the Tulsa tennis club and he knew
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a lot of people in town he uh so he got me that job and and I loved that job it was great I worked
there with Camille and another girl named Katherine and and one of my cousins worked there it was really
fun but I really loved it because the ladies would just go in the locker room and throw their purses
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in there and go out and play tennis and so I'd go in there dig in their purses and see what what
treasures I could get for the day and and I just thought I thought it was great I also started
going to the mall and just taking whatever I wanted they didn't have those things on clothes
back then and you you know you could buy like a paper bag out in the main part of the mall for
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like a quarter and so I would just go in the mall and you know get what I wanted and and you know
I was already getting into the bars too at that time I was like 17 and you know I thought if I
looked nice then men would buy me drinks and so I would I would go take some nice looking clothes
to wear out to the club and I got caught stealing at Dillard's and you know the funny thing about
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that story is I was stealing a pair of shorts that were like 50 dollars and I mean I have the
money in my purse to pay for them but I just thought well if they're free you know so I got
arrested at the mall and I think my mom was out of town my aunt ended up coming to get me and
and you know I remember looking at my watch and saying will you hurry up and call my mom because
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I'm ready to go home and but like I said she I don't know where she was but my aunt came and
picked me up and I just got in my car and left and got drunk and my mom worked for OJA which is the
juvenile probation office and we went down to the courthouse for that the other thing I got arrested
for I never no nothing ever came of that but this time I had to go down to the courthouse and like
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literally we walked into this room this guy was like oh this is your daughter and he was like well
just sign this paper right here and then we left and that was it like I never heard anything about
it so in my mind I was thinking like I can do whatever I want and so I really thought I can do
whatever I want till I'm 18 and you know I love those were the best times because to me everything
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was free gas was free cigarettes were free you know they were just in that wire rack on the counter
you know there were times where I just you know they're not paying attention I just take the whole
rack throw it in the car and you know I just thought everything's free you know I'm just I can
do whatever I want and that's really the way that I thought and so I guess the consequence of me
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getting in trouble that time was my parents sent me to Valley Hope and this was in the summer the
summer that I turned 17 and it was very eye-opening for me because I knew I just thought I was like a
bad human you know a bad person I mean obviously I was doing bad things but it was the first time
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in my life that I ever felt like I was around my people you know I found my tribe and I related
I don't really remember that much about curriculum or anything like that but I knew that I was an
alcoholic when I left there like the pit of my soul knew that I was an alcoholic but I remember
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getting a big stack of books you know that all these books they sent home and they told me to
do all of these things that go to meetings you know we had gone to a couple meetings while we were
there and you know do do all these things and it was clear to me that the solution was not drinking
so I didn't really take any of the suggestions I ended up moving in with my aunt and uncle
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was really my mom's cousin but they were older so that's why I called my aunt and uncle and they
had just gotten into the church so I moved like way out in east Broken Arrow with them and they
were on fire you know at the church and and I started hanging out with the youth group and I
prayed a little I didn't really believe in God but I prayed a little because you know that's what
they said to do at Valley Hope and that's what everybody was doing that I was around with and we
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went to church twice a week but I just didn't I didn't feel like I fit in with those people
I didn't feel like they were my people and and I remember my thoughts being like you know you've
seen things that these kids have never seen before and you've done things that they're probably never
going to do in their whole entire life and so that's how I set myself up to relapse because
I just needed to be around my people and so I left or I went and hung out with my people
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I wasn't going to drink or at least that's what I thought but I was drunk the first the first night
you know I threw in the towel that night I uh it never crossed my mind like maybe I should make a
phone call or maybe I should go to a meeting or maybe I should go back to treatment or nothing
like none of those things came to mind you know I was just off and running I stayed drunk for the
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next 16 months pretty much every day my parents they were done with me they changed the locks on
their houses they said don't call don't come over we don't want to have anything to do with you
you know my dad said I couldn't come over for Christmas and I was devastated and it wasn't
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because I wanted to see my family and catch up with everyone it wasn't because of that it was
because my dad gave me five hundred dollars for Christmas every year and you know I knew I wasn't
going to get that and I was mad because I felt like that that was wrong I felt like he was wrong
for that so I uh you know I mean I just I did a lot of crazy stuff and you know I did have a car
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at the time I started crashing wherever I could sleeping in my car and I lived with a girlfriend
of mine named Crystal and I loved living with Crystal because she was a stripper it's not the
stripper part that I loved it was the fact that she would come home at night with two or three
hundred dollars and you know and back then all I needed was ten bucks ten bucks and I could get a
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fifth a whiskey and possibly a sandwich you know the sandwich was optional not important not as
important and I could always get ten bucks from her I was driving her car one night or one day
it got stolen from me from some people that I had picked up and so she had a rental car and I
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borrowed the rental car one night you know she went to work and I went to the club and I met
him I met him and he was a bouncer at the club and we sat out in the car I always figured out some
way to get in the club I mean I was never old enough to drink by the time even I got sober and
but we got there early and he had given me a Xanax before we went in and so you know by the time I
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got into the club all I remember was like grabbing a drink and I turned and then I went into a black
out like I don't remember anything after that the next time I came to I was it was on impact in that
car and I had I had a girl with me and I guess she needed to go home and and so I was taking her home
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and we hit the fire hydrant in the parking lot of the church going pretty fast thank goodness
we weren't on the road she got hurt pretty badly and I ended up driving her home in that car and
that car and it was I mean it was totaled but I got her home because all I could think about was
I need to get back before last call you know I need to I need to get back and so somehow I almost
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made it back the car died at the gas station and I walked the couple of blocks that I was from the
club and I got back and I got him and I got my drink and somehow we got that car back to
Crystal's apartment and I just parked it way in the back of the apartments you know the next
morning she got up and she was like where's my car and I was like I don't know I parked it down
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there I don't know where it is you know because that's the kind of friend I am anyway she found
the car she asked me to leave and so me and my boyfriend he was with me too we left things got
really really as if they weren't already crazy they got even more chaotic and you know I still
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had a car at that time I didn't think that it was running but I guess the battery was just dead on
it so we got that fixed and we slept in his in my car we would you know crash at people's houses
that he knew I mean I remember we stayed in an abandoned house sometimes and it was cold you
know it was it was coming on winter and I started calling treatment centers again and I guess I would
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call the old Tulsa regional I don't I mean I don't remember but you know I would call enough that
the girl Kelly that was answering the phone she'd be like is this Amy again you know and she you
know they would be like can you come in today I'm like well it's Friday you know I can't really
come in on a Friday and so you know I wanted something to change but I wasn't quite willing
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yet and so finally I got into a place and you know I know today it was the old 12 and 12 which was
downtown it was like a motel and it was a halfway house and I didn't know what it was I thought it
was just treatment and I my dad picked me up at 61st and Peoria you know he took me to Kmart and
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he bought me a coat and some shampoo and conditioner and dropped me off over there they said you have
to have 24 hours of sobriety and so I managed to pull that together and and you know I remember
just feeling like I was crawling out of my skin like I couldn't I couldn't stand the way I felt
you know just even 24 hours without a drink and I checked in the same time as this other woman and
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I don't remember her name or anything like that but they literally like walked us up to our room
and we set our stuff down and they were like all right y'all need to go out and get a job and I was
like what a job you know I mean I mean I look back on that I think what what in the world you
know I had 24 hours of sobriety like I was detoxing and so the lady that worked there left and we
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looked at each other we got in her car and we're driving to go look for a job you know they let us
leave together and she uh she smoked crack that was her drug of choice and she uh she said hey do
you know where I can get some and I said sure but can we stop by the liquor store first and so there
went my sobriety and that was the only time ever that I walked into a liquor store and bought my
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own alcohol and I remember it very vividly because I bought a plastic fifth and it was the first time
I'd ever even seen one and you know we got in the car I took her we went back to 60 for some peoria
I took her and introduced her to my boyfriend and he got her some drugs and you know we started
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doing it and I had done a lot of drugs I'd done a ton of cocaine and other things up to that point
but I'd never done that and so he you know he was getting it for her and you know we were all having
a great time and she came up with a deficit of owing him some money and he basically said you're
gonna make my money back and so we loaded up in her car drove down to 11th street and she got in
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this little red car and they drove off and about 15 or 20 minutes later they came back she gave him
his money and I was like wow that's really cool and you know because my wheels are always spinning
I'm always trying to figure out how I'm gonna get my next fix how I'm gonna get my money you know
what who can I get it from and so I thought that I could do that you know I could do it and so we
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started hanging out over there by TU and my boyfriend knew a lot of people over there which
I thought was strange you know I said I like to say today I know that was a red flag but uh you
know I didn't pay attention to those things I just thought hmm that's weird so we're hanging out over
there and one night I see that car driving around and the little red car and I uh told my boyfriend
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I said hey I have an idea I said I'm gonna go pull this guy over and I'm gonna bring him to you
and you take his money and he said that's a good idea and there was another guy with us so that's
what I did I was 18 years old I walked out to the corner stood there the guy pulled up you know I
leaned in the passenger window I gave him some sob story about how my kid was at home and I didn't
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have any electricity I don't even know where the story came from but I was telling it and I got in
the car with him and I we drove down the street and we pulled back behind this little fourplex
and he and I got out of the car I had no idea what was going to happen but my boyfriend came out
around the corner and he had a two by four and he just laid the guy out with it knocked him out
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so he you know he hit the ground when we took his ring and his wallet and he had three hundred
dollars in his wallet and you know we left and you know I thought this was great you know you know
we got all that money and and you know I wasn't thinking about the guy but he got up and left and
you know I just thought well you know he was doing something he shouldn't have been doing and so
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you know it had worked so well that we decided we were gonna do that again and we did and we did it
again and again and again what I recall is that we did it every day every day every day and every
day every day at least once a day for the next 21 days so I mean things got really dark over there
and there was a bunch of gang members hanging out over in that area at that time and you know when
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I say gang members it was like a bunch of 17 year old boys wearing colors and you know pulling guns
on each other for 20 bucks they're all selling drugs and and you know I was right in the middle
of it mostly guys around me and you know prostitutes would come in and out to get their drugs and
but we were just staying in these nasty places and you know the kitchen floor would be like the
(33:07):
trash can and it was just it was gross and I didn't want to be there but I couldn't leave
I hated it but I couldn't leave you know I was I felt stuck you know so I told my boyfriend I was
like I'm not doing this anymore like I was carrying a gun at the time I don't even know where the
gun came from I'm thinking that these girls out there that are prostituting are like doing honest
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work and I'm you know like harming people and and there were nights where people would leave that we
took money from and then they would come back and be driving around the neighborhood and and I can
only guess that they went home and got a weapon and came back and and uh so it just it was really
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crazy and so I told my boyfriend I was like I'm not doing this anymore and he literally like grabbed
me by my chest and put me up against the wall and he said we're going to do it one more time and I
was like fine and I remember walking out to the corner and you know I said probably the most
honest prayer that I had ever said up to that point and I prayed to go to jail I just said God
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please let me go to jail because it would be better than this you know the last night we walked out or
I walked out to the corner and I got in the truck with this old guy and he'd been drinking you know
I smelled it and I took him into this abandoned house and my boyfriend hit him in the head with
a baseball bat and he didn't fall and so he hit him again and he kind of slid down the wall and
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you know we took his wallet and his 23 dollars and we left and you know he didn't leave you know I
remember thinking like uh I mean he got up finally and he was I mean and this is just my perception
like I think he could see his truck but there was a big curb I mean it was it was a it was tall and
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I think he was just standing there and it was almost like he didn't know how to get up the the
step and you know I know a lot more about the brain today and and you know positive that he had a
massive brain injury but I finally convinced my boyfriend that he needed to take the guy to the
hospital because I was just like he's gonna die so he finally I think just to get me off of his back
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he loaded the guy up in his truck and he drove him down the street and he left him there which I
thought he took him to the hospital but I found out the next morning because the news was on that
they found the guy walking down 11th street covered in blood and they were looking for the suspects so
that's what I woke up to and I remember thinking oh my god that's me you know they're talking about
me and you know shortly after that the police were coming around asking questions you know
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gathering evidence and you know eventually I'm having conversations with the police and and
you know just to give you an idea of what what they experienced with me was you know I was angry
angry I was rude disrespectful I mean I I just I I didn't have any regard for anything that was
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going on I really was like a sociopath I mean that's where drugs and alcohol took me and they
were questioning me I lied about uh who I was and you know I don't I don't even know how they
finally figured out who I was and I had a warrant from irs for a aggravated speeding ticket that I
hadn't paid you know surprise I don't take care of my personal business and I remember sitting on
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the bed in this apartment that belonged to some guy that just let people come in and out and
there was a police officer sitting next to me on the bed and he said you know Amy he said I'm gonna
be there whenever you go to court and I'm gonna testify against you that you showed no remorse
for killing someone and I just was like I don't know what you're talking about and so you know
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they loaded me up in the car I hadn't showered for I don't know how long I'm sure I smelled
wonderful um they put me in the front seat you know sitting on my hands and handcuffs and the
the police officer that was driving me to or driving me downtown was a woman and I don't know
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why but I just was having this conversation like telling her who my dad was and telling her who my
mom was and you know just like you know we were just like sitting at a library talking I don't
know and um you know she looked at me and she said what are you doing here she said you don't
belong here and that went all the way through me and I believe that that is the first moment that
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I started I had an awakening you know I didn't know what it was but something shifted inside of
me when she said that and I started thinking what happened how did I get here you know how did this
happen and um you know I was I was changed in that moment and I mean I still I wasn't like skipping
in the tulips but you know something happened in that moment that I had I had a shift they took me
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downtown I went to interrogation with the homicide detectives and you know I called my mom and she
called her friend and they came down there they said don't say anything we're going to get you an
attorney and they had separated my boyfriend and I and he confessed I mean I guess they went in there
said well she already told us everything so we already know and so he told them what happened and
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you know I don't know exactly what he said and but I remember not feeling upset about it not feeling
mad at him like I just felt like this is a you know if I have to spend the rest of my life in prison
then it's going to be better than where where I've been so I I ended up going upstairs they
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didn't press charges on us for a while because the guy was in the hospital and they were waiting for
him to die because um you know they were trying to put murder charges on us and so um but you know
day after day he was still in the hospital and and I guess you know after a period of time they came
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to me with a plea bargain and I remember like picking up the phone and calling my parents and
nobody was answering and I was just like I need to I need somebody to tell me what to do you know
I was all alone and making that decision and you know I think it was the first big decision that
I had to make for myself and and I decided to go ahead and take the plea bargain so two days
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I get this wrong but I think it was two days after my 19th birthday I I took my plea bargain
and I so 85 days after I went to jail um I was on my way to prison just so I don't forget to say the
guy was still in the hospital at the time I didn't find out this out until way later because one of
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the detectives in my case her name is Verna and you know she and I are friends today but he did
end up dying and the only reason why I know you know it was about four years later that he died
and I I only know that because I I had a job where somebody in there did skip tracing and so they
were able to figure out who he was and when he died and all that so a lot of times I forget to
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tell that part of it so I'll get it out there but I went to prison I was I just turned 19
I was the second youngest woman there there was a girl there that was 17 you know I remember
going there and I found Alcoholics Anonymous they were showing up and they were bringing meetings
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there you know I remember going and and I was pretty shut down you know I didn't believe there
was a god I didn't really have any hope for my life you know I hated myself I didn't have any
relationships with anyone at that point you know I like to say you find out who your friends are
when you go to jail you know nobody was writing me letters except one of my sister's friends
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and my parents but I would go to these meetings and I would listen to these people share about
you know their alcoholism and the things that they did and how their life had changed and I thought
I started like just getting this little crack of hope you know just like a little sliver of hope
and and thinking like well maybe my life could change too maybe I could be different too but
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if there is a god he doesn't want to have anything to do with me because I'm a horrible human so day
after day week after week you know I you know I sat there and and I had a lot of time to think
about what I wanted to do and you know in the interim I'm learning about this disease and and
because I really thought I'm going to I'm going to drink again when I get out of here just one more
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time for old time's sake and thank goodness I was in there long enough to learn that you know when
I drink all bets are off you know I don't know I don't know what I'm going to do whenever I pick up
a drink you know I've ended up in a lot of situations that I didn't want to be in a lot
of things that I didn't you know I ended up doing things that I didn't really want to do
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and I don't know what's going to happen whenever I take a drink but I didn't realize that until I
learned it from the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and learned about this phenomenon of craving and
the mental obsession which is what I missed before you know I missed that the main the main
problem centers in my mind rather than in my body and so I didn't understand that you know when I
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take a drink that the drink wants a drink and you know but it was like I had time to process that
and see like even from the first time I had enough alcohol in my body I wanted more you know I wanted
to have more and that's always how I drank I was able to like look at this track record of how
I did that I got my GED while I was there and there were like three of us I got our GED and one
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cap and gown and so we each put it on and got our pictures taken and then I transferred to another
I transferred to another facility I really liked being there because I I worked in the laundry at
night so I wasn't really around the other ladies during the day it was just me and this one other
girl in the laundry at night and the guards would let us go in the kitchen and make whatever we
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wanted as long as we would make them food and so I enjoyed being there but while I was there there
was this woman you know I was going to the meetings and and she was a an inmate something
was different about her her name was Tommy and Tommy had just gotten back from treatment she was
in treatment for a year and came back and she had she had what I wanted something had shifted in her
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and I didn't know her before but she had a light in her eyes and she she shared like this amazing
stuff and and I know that I drove Tommy crazy because I would follow her around and I'd be like
tell me more tell me more about this treatment tell me so I applied to get in and the psychologist
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that interviewed me before I got the interview with the treatment center he told me I didn't
have a problem you know I think it was because I was just totally honest with him about everything
and he literally said to me he said Amy you are not the problem he said you look out here on this
yard those girls are the problem and I knew he wasn't I knew he was wrong and so I you know he
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went ahead and recommended me I got interviewed I got into this long-term treatment center you know
they had a couple of doc beds and I got in and and I went through this therapeutic community treatment
it was hardcore but you know at that time is what I needed and it was tough but I got to start going
to outside meetings you know after you got to a certain point they told you to get a sponsor and
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so I did that I got a sponsor and we started working the steps and and you know I was there
for a while and while I was there I went up for parole and I had to sit in front of the parole
board and you know I say plead my case but I really just cried and talked about how I wanted
to be sober and and they let me out so I ended up getting a little apartment with a girl that I was
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in treatment with and you know I was scared I was scared that I was going to drink again and so I
I went to meetings every day that's the only thing I knew to do was just go and I didn't know how to
have relationships with people you know I wanted to I wanted to have friends but I didn't know how
to do that and I literally walked up to this girl that was my age that had some sobriety and I was
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like I need a friend like I don't I don't know what to do I don't know how to do this and and
she and I got really tight and she was like my one person we were really close and we started
doing things together and you know I learned how to be a friend from having that one friend and
I feel like I learned everything that I know from the people in Alcoholics Anonymous and so I went
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to meetings and I did all the things and I stayed in Oklahoma City for a while because I was afraid
to come back you know I was afraid to you know people knew what was going on and and they didn't
nobody knew even though it was on the news and it was in the paper and all that like the people that
I went to high school with that I saw whenever I came back they're like where have you been
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you know I told them they're like what so I moved back here and you know I remember thinking like
everything was different the meetings were different the people were different I didn't like it
but I knew you know my first sponsor told me that in order to stay sober like she would say you need
to stay in the middle so you don't fall off and so I started getting involved and and I had gone to
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the young people's conference and and been really involved in that and so there was a young people's
meeting starting up here it was at All Souls I showed up there one night and I met Randy he was
chairing the meeting and he asked if anybody was willing to do coffee the next week and so I raised
my hand and I started getting involved and eventually he and I chaired the young people's
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conference and you know I always worked really hard I went to college I applied for college and
on the application they asked if I had ever been convicted of a felony of course you know I had to
say yes and so then I had to go through this process to get into school and I had to get
letters of recommendation and then they said at that point you know I can interview in front of
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the board of deans and so I I ended up going through that process and you know I was working
for Mitchell downtown and his partner was Michael and Michael's an attorney Michael had written me a
letter of recommendation and he said you never told me what you did and so I was like oh that's
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weird because I've known Michael for a couple years at the time and so I started telling him
about you know what I did and how I got in trouble and he goes wow he said that happened to my best
friend from high school and I was like oh and so we we started talking and we put together that
his friend was the guy with the little red car and how his ring got stolen you know and so we're both
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just kind of like sitting there on the phone silent and he's like what are you gonna do about it and I
said well I know what I need to do but I need to make a phone call first and so I called my sponsor
she was super helpful she said oh my god oh my god oh my god what are you gonna do about
it and I said well I'm gonna pray about it and she said good idea and then the next day I don't know
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if I called her she called me and she said well what are you gonna do about it and I was like I'm
praying about it and she was like no she's like what are you gonna do and I said well I thought
maybe I would call Michael and see if he would call the guy and even see if he'll talk to me
and she said that's a good idea and so so I called Michael he said yeah I'll call him five minutes
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later call me back yep he'll talk to you so that night I made a really really tough phone call
and the guy didn't live in the state he didn't live here anymore and so I called him and I was
terrified I was like how do you make amends for something like that you know I knew at that point
he was in the hospital for six days so I thought well I can maybe start helping pay for his medical
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bills or you know I like I don't know what what I needed to do and but I called him and he just
started talking and he talked and he talked and he talked and he talked and like I didn't even have
to say anything for a long time and I remember just being like thank you God you know because
I don't know what to say you know we talked and and he he was really wanting to talk about
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a higher power you know he said because you know 10 years ago your life changed and mine hasn't
and so he was still doing that same behavior even after all of that you know so that's what we
talked about and told him about the 12-step program that's appropriate for his addiction and
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and he started going you know I ended up meeting him in person and being able to make face-to-face
amends to him it was just like so such a huge thing that I couldn't even like feel it it was
just so big and we kept in contact for a while and he you know he did really well with his recovery
and but he ended up getting married and having a family and so you know I don't talk to him anymore
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like on the phone or anything but we're friends on social media you know it's just such a huge
thing and he came to one of my birthdays along with Verna and there was also a major from the
the police department that came and I mean so many incredible things I mean I just don't even have
time to like go into all of the things and you know I got my bachelor's degree and then I went
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on and got my master's degree and there was a family in Tulsa that paid for it like they were
like if you want to go on we want to pay for it and so so I did that I went to college and you
know I started working in treatment not what I wanted to do I wanted to work in the prisons and
but I started working at 12 and 12 and I really liked it I liked the client so I I kind of just
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went on that path and luckily you know I grandfathered into the LADC because I graduated
like the year before they started offering that and so I got duly licensed you know I always
wanted to work in the prisons and I you know over the years I had gone back you know I got my
volunteer badge and I've gone back and I got involved with a guy that I probably shouldn't
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have you know he was sober but not he had over a year sobriety but you know I got pregnant like
pretty quickly after we started dating and I didn't I didn't even know that I could get pregnant
because I was 34 years old and all of a sudden you know here I am like I'm gonna have a baby
with this guy that I barely know and I was like well I guess we're gonna have this crash course
and getting to know you and I started seeing like he wasn't super honest and I knew that I didn't
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want to be with him but I also didn't want to be by myself and I was like I'm gonna be with him
by myself and I mean it just took a couple years before he relapsed and now I'm a mom of a two-year
old by myself so I wasn't able to go to the prison like I was before and I was going a lot and a lot
of times I was going by myself because I couldn't find people to go with me but just recently like
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a few months ago I've been able to start going back and and this past week I got to go for a
couple hours because I got asked to sit in on this curriculum that's once a week where they're
letting 10 ladies they're like teaching them how to you know figure out what their strengths and
weaknesses are and and how you know they can build on those and kind of like the whole purpose of
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the curriculum is like towards the end that they have a purpose whenever they leave and and you
know a spot that I wanted to work in prison but I didn't it's just not like a paid thing that I get
to do but I get to go and and it's so great because I get to remember where I came from and
you know remember what that was like because it's like my life today is so far removed from
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you know that person I was whenever I came to Alcoholics Anonymous and everything's so different
and so it's like I need I need that you know I need to remember I need to tell my story I need
people to know that because I I need to remember that it keeps me grounded and so you know so I'm
really grateful for that but I think that the big thing for me is like I need to remember that
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I'm where I am today because of my higher power and because of the people in Alcoholics Anonymous
you know that were willing to sacrifice time to teach me how to you know live life and and life
is not perfect I am not perfect you know I make a lot of mistakes along the way but I definitely
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you know have to surrender myself to my higher power in the morning and the beautiful thing is
is that when I do that you know I walk through the day and doors open I meet people people ask for
help or maybe I need help from somebody and those doors open whenever I'm willing to like seek that
out and look for it and today I believe those things you know I have faith and you know I
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believe that my faith was developed from you know just being scared to death and walking through it
anyway being scared to death and walking through it anyway you know because I've had to walk through
a lot of things I haven't had like any major tragedies in my life yet but life has been hard
and there have been things that I've been terrified to walk through but I did it anyway so now I know
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whenever things are terrifying it's like I know I can walk through this and I know I'm going to be
okay you know and that's faith to me it's like just doing it anyway I wouldn't change a thing
you know all the bad stuff you know all the great stuff you know I remember one time my mom had said
to me that you know she wishes that things would have been different when I was a kid and I said
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don't don't take that away from me you know that's my foundation that's what I get to stand on today
so I'm super grateful I hope I said something that may help somebody this has been a production of
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