December 5, 2025 • 46 mins
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We trace a crisp line from relaxation to distraction and show how each shapes mood, decisions, and long-term habits. Emotions are framed as messages that ask for action, turning fear, sadness, anger, guilt, shame, and depression into guides for real change.
• weather chat as a mirror for mood and mindset
• difference between relaxation and distraction
• when distraction helps and when it harms
• fear example leading to calm, deliberate action
• habits of thought and conditioned stress responses
• job stress, numbing routines, and a turning point
• grief as active remembering rather than avoidance
• compounded emotions and unexpected overreactions
• practical relaxation tools for clarity and problem solving
• parenting without over-relying on screens
• naming emotions and asking what they mean
• stepwise plans to resolve root causes
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:08):
We are on the line.
SPEAKER_03 (00:10):
Sun's coming up.
Sun's coming up.
The river is open.
So there's this.
We are right where the lakemeets the river, and there's a
channel, a deep part, out in themiddle, where it's substantially
deeper than everything else.
It's where the river used to be.
(00:30):
And the river itself flows allyear long.
And it takes a lot of cold tofreeze over that river.
So yesterday it was frozen over.
So you know it's cold.
SPEAKER_00 (00:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (00:44):
Today it's not frozen over the water.
You can see the stream of thewater in the middle of the ice,
ice on either side of it, butthe stream is flowing.
SPEAKER_00 (00:53):
Would you say we're having like January temperatures
a little bit?
SPEAKER_03 (00:56):
We are absolutely having an early winter, but I
was reading about the polarvortex.
Don't you know?
And it's all about disruptionsin the polar vortex.
Some places are getting warmerthan they normally get.
That's not us.
unknown (01:13):
Nope.
SPEAKER_03 (01:14):
Some people are getting the wrong spot.
Some people are getting colderthan normal.
Disruptions in the polar vortex.
Yeah.
Anticipating weather.
I think it's just really easy tohave the weather affect you.
And it's really easy to talkabout the weather because it's
(01:34):
really not something you can bewrong about.
It's raining or it's not, right?
SPEAKER_00 (01:41):
Yeah, and I think anything that makes us have
emotions or affects our mood,we're apt to talk about.
Even if we don't even relate itto that.
You know?
Oh, it's cloudy today.
Or it's raining or it'sfreezing.
Why am I living here?
(02:08):
Every February I think, why am Iliving here?
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Why am I not living in Bermuda?
Why?
Why am I not living in Bali?
SPEAKER_00 (02:22):
The chat says maybe this is why Canadians are so
nice.
We know it might be rainy today,but tomorrow can be sunny.
We are hopeful.
SPEAKER_03 (02:30):
Hopefully.
SPEAKER_00 (02:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (02:34):
All right.
Enough gibber jabber.
What's the topic today?
SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
Distraction.
SPEAKER_03 (02:39):
Distraction.
Talking about relaxationyesterday.
And it's important, I think, todistinguish between relaxation
and distraction.
SPEAKER_00 (02:48):
Yeah.
Yep.
SPEAKER_03 (02:50):
I think that we sometimes use distraction to
relax.
SPEAKER_02 (02:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (02:56):
In fact, it's a great technique when you're
trying to break somebody out ofa thought pattern.
Right.
And we talked yesterday abouthow just distracting yourself by
expanding your attention andyour awareness, right?
And that distraction is a kindof a tool we can use to promote
(03:21):
relaxation.
But sometimes distraction can gotoo far.
SPEAKER_00 (03:29):
Like me sitting down watching TV after having
clients, but that's one thing.
But then when I find myselfeating a whole bag of chips, not
realizing that I've eaten awhole bag of chips.
SPEAKER_03 (03:41):
Distraction and comforting.
SPEAKER_00 (03:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (03:44):
All in the same package.
SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (03:46):
That's uh that's really normal.
I don't know anybody thatdoesn't have comforting and
distracting behaviors.
SPEAKER_02 (03:54):
No.
SPEAKER_03 (03:54):
Right.
And I don't know how you how youcan live in this world and not
have found yourself somedistracting and comforting
behaviors.
SPEAKER_00 (04:06):
So where does it cross that border?
SPEAKER_03 (04:09):
It crosses the border when you're not resolving
the thing that was bringing youstress and tension.
It's one thing to move away froma stressful topic because you
found a solution, right?
It's one thing to say, okay,that's fixed.
(04:30):
Like a flat tire.
I'm driving down the road, I geta flat tire, all crap.
I get the flat tire fixed.
And, you know, I'm really at apoint where I say, well, that's
over with.
That's not a point ofdistraction.
That's not a point of stress.
That's not a point ofcontention.
It's no longer something that isdemanding my attention.
(04:54):
It's no longer something that'smaking my life uncomfortable.
It's just over.
And when it's over, we just moveright along.
But unfortunately, we spend alot of our lives doing and being
responsible for things that wedon't like.
And that doesn't get resolved.
(05:16):
And we enter into relationshipsthat sometimes aren't very
functional.
And we don't do something aboutthat.
SPEAKER_00 (05:26):
Right.
You're saying like therelationship is a distraction?
SPEAKER_03 (05:31):
No, I'm saying that there are things in our lives
like relationships or jobs, oryou know, it can even be your
home, right?
It can be, you know, any aspectof your life that's causing you
stress.
And I typically think in termsof our typical North American
lifestyle, which isrelationships, money, and jobs.
SPEAKER_00 (05:55):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (05:56):
And these are constant stressors.
And and sometimes we putourselves in situations that
don't get resolved.
Now, when when we are underextreme stress, when we are
being activated and um we're notthinking clearly anymore, our
(06:19):
emotions have overwhelmed us.
Those are the moments whererelaxation is a really powerful
tool.
And we talked about thatyesterday, the kind of tools you
can use to help yourself relaxin the moment.
And distraction is one of them,putting your attention
elsewhere.
And there's really nothing wrongwith distraction until it
(06:44):
becomes, well, distraction canbecome addiction.
Distraction, in some hypnotistminds, one of our one of our
teachers, Cal Banion, you know,he he talks about distraction as
addiction.
It is the process of distractingyourself from unresolved
emotions, using whatever it isthat you use over and over and
(07:06):
over, and that the problem withthat distraction is it didn't
resolve the emotion.
It didn't resolve the problem.
And so we just feel compelled togo back to the distraction.
And then the distraction becomeshabitual.
And I think I don't know.
I find myself saying this a lotthe last couple of years.
And I really think that it'sprobably a really powerful idea
(07:31):
is to see yourself and yourthoughts and your emotions as
habitual.
And the reason emotions stay isbecause they don't get resolved.
So I always use the example, youknow, when I am I'm I'm working
late at the office and I walkout the door, and there's a
(07:53):
crowd of young guys standingaround my truck, and I have
fear.
And that's really normal andthat's really healthy.
Like, what are those guys doingstanding around my truck?
And it's good to have caution.
You're smart to have caution.
And then it's how am I going todeal with that fear?
Now, if I'm dealing with thatfear from a state of fear, I'm
(08:16):
probably going to make thingsworse.
And if I'm dealing with thatfear from a state of clarity, a
breath, oh, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid because they'rethere.
Well, I don't know anythingabout their intentions yet.
I'm a pretty strong personality.
I think I can control the toneof this interaction if I control
(08:40):
myself.
And I walk out and I walkconfidently across the parking
lot and I say, hey guys, how areyou doing?
What's going on tonight?
And they look at me like I'mnuts because I'm speaking to
them, but they go, oh, nothing,nothing.
And I just proceed to get in mytruck and I just say, Well, have
a great night.
And I get in my truck and Idrive away, and the whole
(09:01):
thing's just done.
Right.
It's that process of firstrelaxing myself so I think
clearly, and the process of justacting on the fear, doing what
needed to happen for the fear togo away, having a resolution.
And now when I drive away, I canrelease the fear.
And if I know that the situationis over and I've addressed the
(09:24):
fear and I've been verydeliberate about it, then the
fear is going to dissipate andit's going to actually be
replaced with a sense ofconfidence.
Look at me.
I dealt with that.
I dealt with that well.
SPEAKER_00 (09:36):
I understand the fear.
If you can release the fear, youcan make better decisions.
You can walk out to your truck.
As a woman, I would take a deepbreath and call the police.
SPEAKER_03 (09:53):
And that might be a good solution.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
And move the office.
Which we did.
So yeah, there's there's there'sdifferent ways that we can deal
with it.
But I understand I understandwhen we, you know, when we're
able to deal with the fear, whenwe're able to relax past the
(10:15):
fear, we can actually thinkproperly because I know when I'm
in a fear state, it's like mybrain doesn't even work any
longer.
You know, you're just sort ofsort of acting, doing doing
random things that really don'tmake sense.
Or you think afterwards, oh, Ishould have done this.
SPEAKER_03 (10:34):
Well, that's that's pretty normal.
So I I'm sort of painting abroad picture on how an emotion
will arise quite appropriately.
I receive the message of thatemotion, I do something helpful
about it, I have a positiveresolution, and now I've learned
(10:54):
something good.
Or I have a negative resolutionand I've learned something
fearful, and now fear becomes mygo-to.
And now I start having theserepeated experiences that are
based in fear.
And that's just the just arandom example.
There are so many examples outthere in the world of the way we
(11:15):
enter into situations and wehave emotions about them.
I mean, you can talk that wayabout just going to see your
family for Christmas, right?
Same kind of thing.
I'm going to go into a situationthat's going to cause me
emotions.
What are those emotions?
What do they mean?
What is a good way to resolvethose emotions?
Now, when I do that in a stateof relaxation, I'm thinking
(11:40):
clearer.
I am more logical.
I am more creative.
I'm able to think the problem ina broader way.
And that's why everybody elsehas solutions for my problems,
right?
I state my problem and everybodyelse, they have no emotion about
it.
So they're able to come up withall kinds of ideas.
This is the value in asking forhelp, right?
(12:03):
So it's about sometimes knowingthat my emotional state is
interfering with my own skillsand abilities, and that I move
into relaxation.
And we talked yesterday aboutusing the techniques that would
cause me to relax, right?
You my sympathetic nervoussystem kicked in, my blood
(12:24):
pressure goes up, my pupilsdilate, my muscles tense,
adrenaline starts to flow,cortisol starts to flow.
There's all these things goingon in my body to deal with a
situation of fear, a situationof stress.
Right?
I can use breathing, I can usemy hearing, I can use my vision,
(12:45):
I can use distraction to helpmyself alleviate the emotional
intensity so that my mindfunctions clearer.
And that's a really greatability.
If you have that ability, if youcan develop that ability in a
multitude of life situations,that's that's just a great hack.
(13:06):
What most of us fall prey to isthat, you know, here's an
example.
I got a job and I hate my job,and I hate the person I work
for, and I hate the people Iwork with, and every day I go to
work, and every day I'm angry,and I'm angry and I'm
frustrated, and I'm building upthat fear and that anger before
I even walk into the workplace.
(13:26):
My commute starts to become aprocess of building up my
defenses.
I get to work, I spend my timeat work, I get through the day,
I go, oh, thank God.
I come home and then I need torelax.
So I have some drinks, I smokesome cannabis, I watch some
(13:48):
ridiculous 750 TikToks on myphone.
I do all these things todistract myself from the stress
and the anger and the fear thatI've held all day long to the
point where I'm not even clearabout it anymore because I'm
(14:09):
going there every single day.
Every day I go through the sameroutine.
I had a job once and I workedthere for just over a year.
And by the time I'd been therefour months, the sound of the
bell on the elevator made menauseous.
I had to go up 36 floors and I'dget to the bottom and I'd press
(14:30):
the button, and then theelevator would come, it would go
ding.
And all of a sudden, I feelmyself getting sick, just
feeling really crappy.
And it was just the routine Iwent through every day for so
long.
I had like Pavlov's dogs.
I had trained myself to get intoa state so I could get through
(14:53):
the day at this job that I hatedso much.
And then, of course, I'd comehome and I'd drink, and I'd come
home and I'd eat too much, andI'd come home and I'd be
distracted from my kids.
And that's useless, right?
This is really normal, but it'snot helpful.
So the problem was the job.
And of course, immediately, youknow, I woke up one day and
(15:16):
said, That's it, I'm done.
And I walked into the office andI typed on my computer
resignation letter and I printedit off.
And I waited till after lunch.
I walked into my boss's officeand said, Here's my notice.
My boss loved it because hehated me.
He wanted me to go, right?
But I felt so much reliefknowing that there was a day
(15:37):
that all of this was going toend.
Now, yeah, we're all reliant onour jobs, which makes it really
hard to make those choices.
And we're all very trappedwithin death that makes it
really hard to make thosechoices.
The point is, is that I wasgoing to feel that way.
And I was going to have todistract myself from those
(15:58):
feelings until I had a plan toresolve it, until I was actively
saying, I need to resolve thesefeelings.
I need them to end.
And I knew that the only waythey would end was for me to
leave there.
And so, in the moment of makingthat decision to leave,
everything changed for me.
SPEAKER_00 (16:17):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:18):
So pulling all of that back, we can use
distraction as a great way torelax.
But distraction can become anaddiction.
And then the actual underlyingsituation never gets resolved.
And so the emotion never goesaway.
And so it becomes this body,this thought form of anxiety
(16:43):
that just stays inside me.
And I don't understand it.
And I can't seem to do enough todistract myself from it as I try
to just relax into my life.
You know, we're all just thatway.
And like you said earlier,before we started, we we want to
talk tomorrow about the kinds oflimiting beliefs that get in the
(17:04):
way of your willingness torelax.
And for me, the limiting beliefsthat get in your way of
resolving these circumstancesthat cause you distress, right?
We have a lot of beliefs, butit's amazing how when you act
towards a solution of anyemotion that you have, you know,
(17:25):
whether it's anger or it's guiltor it's fear in its form as
anxiety, when you act in someway deliberately towards
resolving the situation that theemotion is is activated by, it's
(17:46):
amazing how much better youfeel.
SPEAKER_00 (17:48):
Can I ask you why?
And I'm I I think this is aninsightful question.
Why you gave fear examplesinstead of like the ones that we
hear about all the way, alwaysbecause like sadness or hurt,
right?
We sit on the couch in sadnessand eat a bag of chips.
SPEAKER_03 (18:05):
Like what was it about fear that um well I think
anxiety to me today, everythingwe live in a world based in
fear.
We're trained in fear.
So let's let's use anotherexample.
Let's use sadness, for example.
There is there is meaning behindevery emotion.
(18:25):
I'm actually working on a coursefor the school on this.
I'm actually like ready to startrecording it, posting it on the
school about understanding whatemotions are and what emotions
mean, seeing emotionsdifferently.
We experience emotions and wehave an incredible, I think,
(18:47):
confusion about what we shouldbe doing with them.
And we tend to hang on to that.
So if you use sadness as anexample, so I'll again I'll just
use myself.
My dad passed away this year,and with that comes just a
multitude of emotions, one ofwhich is sadness.
(19:12):
Sadness means I've lostsomething, something's gone.
We can distract ourselves fromthat, right?
We can keep ourselves busy doingother things so that we don't
think about it.
We can engage in distractingbehaviors like alcohol or
cannabis, any number of otherthings, you know, any
(19:34):
distraction like online gamblingor um distractions like, you
know, you just your phone is anenormous distraction today.
It's a I think phones today arethe tool people use to survive,
really.
But to sit with that emotion,right?
And say, you know, what have Ilost?
(19:56):
Why am I sad?
Because I've lost something.
What have I lost?
What have I really lost?
Right.
And that to me is instead ofdistracting, that's grieving.
Grieving is a process ofacknowledging what you've lost
and finding a way to retain thebest of what you've lost.
(20:19):
And for me, you know, it waswatching some video of my dad.
It was looking at pictures of mydad.
It was starting to get in theregular habit of talking to my
dad, even though he's not here.
There were a lot of things I didthat helped relieve the sense
(20:39):
that he's gone and I have noaccess to him anymore.
That grieving, that sadness canoverwhelm me.
It can force me intodistractions.
It can force me into distractivebehaviors.
I can just avoid theuncomfortable nature of that
emotion.
Or I can acknowledge theemotion, listen to the message
(21:00):
that it brings me.
I can engage that message andtry to find a solution for that
message.
And then I moved through thatemotion so that that emotion, it
really just isn't active in meanymore.
Right.
And now I'm in a whole new habitof just every once in a while I
think about my dad.
I was in the habit of visitinghim on Wednesdays.
(21:21):
So Wednesdays is a day.
You know, I think about my dadwhen I take out the garbage
because Wednesday's a garbageday.
And so I go out, I pick up thegarbage, I go, oh, this would be
the day I'd go see dad.
And then I'd think about dad.
And now dad is here.
Dad isn't gone because he'shere.
He's in my mind.
He's in my emotions.
Right.
And I can use that time toremind myself, you know, there's
(21:45):
there's so much about my dadthat isn't gone, right?
His his my I have all mymemories, but I have I have
sisters who look just like him.
Right.
Well, they do, right?
It's just genetics.
The point is, is he's not gonein in a way, and and we all have
(22:09):
to resolve that.
So sadness, for example, right,can is still an emotion that's
sending you a message, yeah,that's it trying to trying to
invoke in you a response toresolve the problem.
SPEAKER_02 (22:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (22:25):
And when you do, right, the emotion dissipates.
When you distract from theemotion, you really just prolong
it.
SPEAKER_00 (22:35):
It's like putting a band-aid on a on something, like
a, you know, it just covers itup for a little bit and then
it's pushed down, like pushinglava down into a volcano.
Not that that's possible, butputting a cork on a volcano.
Not that that's possible either,but you know, you know what I'm
getting at.
SPEAKER_03 (22:55):
Well, I think that's actually a really good analogy
because that's the problem withit.
The problem with it is that itdoesn't go away, and then it
gets attached to other similarexperiences.
And then because it's not beingresolved, all of these past
experiences of loss, forexample, are now packed up all
(23:17):
together, like you know, avolcano.
And then something happens, andit gets people really
overreacting, way more emotionthan a situation should happen.
I mean, people talk about thisas an example of, you know, they
lose a pet, and it's justoverwhelming flow of sadness.
(23:41):
But what it really is, is allthe sadnesses that they
rationalized away or distractedthemselves from from all their
experiences in their life, allcoming to a place where there's
just too much of it now.
There's just too much of it.
It's got to come out, right?
It's got to, it's got to beexpressed.
And then it gets expressed in inways that you know shock others
(24:06):
and that we feel embarrassedabout.
I behaved like that, I spokelike that, I reacted to that
that way.
I don't understand why I reactedlike that.
And this is where we getclients, right?
People come to us and eventshappen in their lives where they
overreact and they don't knowhow to cope with that.
SPEAKER_00 (24:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I what I imagine you're sayingis like like using the pet loss
idea is someone loses a pet,there's grieving, there's
incredible sadness, but then wecarry, you know, we end up at
some point carrying on with ourlife.
And then we're in a situationthat something triggers us, and
we we have a you know,overwhelmment emotion and
(24:49):
experience.
Is that what you mean?
SPEAKER_03 (24:51):
Well, if that's it exactly.
I mean, that's what that's whatour world as hypnotists is
about.
People say, I can't do this,help me do it.
I I do this too much, help mestop.
I don't know why I do thesethings, I don't know why I end
up in these relationships overand over.
I well, it's because thoughtsare habits, we are habitual, the
(25:14):
subconscious mind works reallyfast, takes us right back to
similar circumstances, and thencompounds emotions.
Yeah, and this is really normalhuman stuff that can be
alleviated when we start tolearn that emotions are messages
acting us to asking us torespond.
SPEAKER_02 (25:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (25:37):
And if we respond, right, and we respond in
relaxation, right?
So that's about you knowunderstanding the message,
right?
Fear hits us, and we have somany experiences of fear in
life, but they compound and theybecome intermingled.
So we can't rationally separatethem.
We don't, we we can't say, oh,that was this, it plus this,
(25:58):
plus this, plus this, plus this,over a period of you know, six
months.
These are the events that alladded up to this sort of
explosion today, right?
This breakdown today.
We when the emotion comes thefirst time, what is a satisfying
response, as Calband says?
What is what is a way to resolvethis emotion?
SPEAKER_00 (26:22):
Yeah.
And instead of turning to foodor gambling or alcohol, it's
important to take a deep breath,like we said yesterday, and ask.
I think honestly, one of themost important things to do in
these circumstances, but nobodynobody's taught this is to ask
(26:44):
the emotion, what are youtelling me?
Right?
SPEAKER_03 (26:46):
That's beautiful.
SPEAKER_00 (26:48):
I think I think we'd be so much better off.
Not that I can say I always doit, but I think it would be
helpful if many people did it.
SPEAKER_03 (26:59):
Well, I think it's about learning.
That's what I want to do in thiscourse.
It's about learning what eachemotion has as a meaning.
It's about taking the time torelax into that emotion and let
it educate you.
And then using your relaxed,very intelligent state, your
(27:21):
conscious mind, your logicalaspect of your mind, coming up
with a solution.
Sometimes solutions areimmediate, and sometimes
solutions take time, right?
So if you are, you know, yeah,in a job you don't like, and
it's a daily source of stressand unhappiness, right?
(27:41):
Taking the deliberate action tobe looking for another job,
taking the deliberate action ofsetting aside what money you can
to prepare for a period of beingunemployed, taking the time to
structure your life in a waythat a shift from one job to
(28:02):
another is not going to hurtyou.
These are all very intelligentsteps towards resolving all of
that anxiety, all of that stressthat's sitting there.
And you will not only ultimatelyresolve the situation because
you're taking action, but youwill feel better and more
(28:23):
relaxed through the situation,knowing that you've made the
decision that it's temporary,knowing that you are doing what
you can to move to resolution.
SPEAKER_02 (28:33):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:34):
So that's an easier example than let's say a
relationship.
SPEAKER_02 (28:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:41):
But the idea, the thing that we really want to
focus on today is the idea thatrelaxation is a significant tool
in addressing any emotionalstate.
And relaxation can be createdthrough techniques using your
(29:01):
body, using your awareness andattention, using your breath,
and using distractions.
And there are distractions thatare very, very healthy and
helpful, you know, watching afunny movie or going for a walk,
enjoying nature.
We're very outside ourselveswhen we're walking through
(29:24):
nature.
It's really a great place toexpand your awareness, expand
your perceptions, and that, ofcourse, deactivates and moves
you into a parasympatheticstate.
And now that clarity, thatcalmness is a much better state
to be in when you're trying toresolve the issue in your life.
unknown (29:46):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (29:47):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:47):
And like you said, tomorrow we'll talk about the
limiting beliefs that get in theway of resolving those
situations.
But knowing that, and thenknowing that there are
situations where we're receivingemotions and we're not trying to
resolve the emotion, we're justtrying to avoid it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:05):
Yeah, run away from it.
SPEAKER_03 (30:06):
And so what we do then, in terms of, you know,
drinking, in terms of gambling,you know, this is where
pornography becomes a realproblem in people's lives.
This is where, you know, peopledevelop really emotional eating
habits that that just exacerbatethe problem because that eating
(30:32):
has an effect on our body andthe way that we feel, right?
So these are the kinds ofdistractions people use because
they really do take your mind toanother place from the source of
stress, and they can becomforting.
unknown (30:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:50):
Boy, oh boy, did I do a lot of work today.
I don't want to think anymore.
I don't want to worry aboutanything anymore.
I don't want to engage anythinganymore.
So I'm just going to go home andI'm going to have a couple of
beers.
I'm going to have a great bigdinner, and I'm going to sit
down on the couch and I'm goingto eat a bag of chips, and I'm
going to sit with my phone openand I'm going to scroll from
video to video to video tovideo.
(31:13):
And next thing I know, threehours has gone by and it's time
for bed.
And I have successfully forthree hours not thought about
this thing that's a problem, butI certainly haven't resolved it.
SPEAKER_02 (31:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (31:27):
And now I'm about to go to bed and I'm remembering,
oh, yeah, I got to get uptomorrow and go through that
same stress again.
And that's very unsatisfying,which then makes us want to
distract some more.
And then as a result, somepeople find themselves at three
o'clock in the morningdistracting themselves with
(31:49):
their phone because they can'tget to sleep.
SPEAKER_00 (31:52):
Yeah.
Now, the interesting thing in inmy mind, I'm sure this could be
a whole podcast, but is we wegrew up without the phone to a
number of years, right?
For the most part.
And and we have created habits,not terrible habits that I can
(32:14):
see, but like we create we'vecreated habits where we're
scrolling or we get sucked intoit.
And I think about some kids, notall kids, but some kids nowadays
that have a big emotion and aretold, here, here's here's the
iPad, here's the here's thephone, play a game, right?
(32:37):
And what is that gonna look likein 20 odd years?
SPEAKER_03 (32:41):
Well, it's gonna look like more of the same.
SPEAKER_00 (32:43):
Yeah, not worse.
SPEAKER_03 (32:44):
Well, I don't know if it's gonna be worse.
I think it's going to be thecontinuation.
I mean, the parents, first ofall, being a parent is hard.
It's just hard.
There is nobody out there who'sgot the secret to how to parent
perfectly or well.
Parents really want to parentwell, but at the same time,
they're a human being havinghuman experiences, and they
(33:08):
don't sometimes have the energyto even engage their kids, let
alone parent well.
And so I don't want to be in anyway critical.
This is not a criticism.
This is not an attack onparents.
This is an observation.
An observation that says, I'mlearning something here.
I'm learning that emotions needto be resolved for them to go
(33:32):
away.
That when I resolve them, theydo go away.
When I find healthy ways ofrelaxing from my stresses, I'm
able to function in a moreintelligent, more logical way.
And the trick is to be awarethat I'm having emotions, that
(33:54):
emotions are not meant to stay.
Emotions are not something I'msupposed to get used to.
Emotions are not something I'msupposed to hang on to.
Emotions are messages.
They're asking for a response.
Give them a satisfying response,and they will go away.
unknown (34:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:12):
And that awareness, if we build that in ourselves,
and that new habit of notdistracting from our emotions,
but attempting to understandthem and respond to them in a
way that causes them to beresolved because they're a very
useful tool.
Responding in that way is justgoing to lead to a better,
(34:36):
happier, healthier life for me.
Now, add to that the incrediblejob of being a parent because
basically you're trying to teachyour kids that stuff, right?
You're trying to help your kidsbecome that way when you haven't
been given the opportunity tolearn it.
I don't know that distractions,although there are new ones
(35:00):
today, and I think todaydistractions are easier to find.
I don't think that the processis any different.
It's I have an emotion, I don'tknow how to deal with it, and so
I distract from it.
So I think of, you know, kidsthat are going through stress,
it's an easy way of a distressof a long car ride, right?
(35:24):
Kids aren't meant to sit stillfor two hours.
They just, they, they're notbuilt that way.
And so when I got to put my kidsin the car and drive for two
hours, I have to deal with theanxiety and stress that builds
up inside them that they don'teven understand because it's
just an energy and a movementthat they're used to having that
they can't have now.
And at the same time, I'm tryingto move this great big two-ton
(35:47):
vehicle down the road two hoursaway to a place we're trying to
get with all these other crazydrivers all around me, and a
time limit and obligations andall kinds of things, right?
So I'm trying to manage my ownemotions and at the same time
manage the emotions of the kidsin the backseat.
Yeah.
That's a task.
And when you can simply handthem an iPad and say, watch a
(36:12):
video, yeah, the kids gettrained into dealing or
responding to their emotionalstate with distractions.
And that, unfortunately, is nothelpful.
And unfortunately, becomes ahabit and unfortunately doesn't
resolve any of the emotions.
(36:33):
And yeah, me saying that is notbeing said so I can put more
obligations on parents.
I'm sorry, that's not myintention.
I you have my every sympathy forwhat it's like to be a parent in
the world today, be responsiblefor another human being like
that.
That doesn't change the factthat distraction as a mental
(36:55):
habit in response touncomfortable emotions is not
going to result in a happierlife.
So, yeah, I don't like being aguy who points out the problem
and not a solution.
So, yeah, so for me, you know,when I used to take the kids up
to the cottage, and it was athree-hour drive, we'd always
plan on stopping at this place,this sort of two-thirds of the
(37:20):
way there point.
And it was parked and it was ona lake, and we would play, and
we would just plan on that.
And there was a bathroom there.
So there was just a lot ofsolutions there, right?
And there was a bakery there,right?
So we could pull over and runaround the park and go down to
the water and jump on the dockand then go to the bathroom and
(37:42):
get that relief.
And are we gonna are we gonnaget a muffin?
Are we gonna, yeah, we're gonnaget a muffin?
And they have that kind ofrelease, and then it's back in
the car and with the muffin andfor the final leg of the
journey.
And it becomes a routine forthem, right?
Do that two, three times, andthey expect it.
(38:04):
Do that two, three times, theywant it.
Do that two, three times, andyou can start saying, you know,
we'll be at the park in just 10minutes, right?
SPEAKER_00 (38:14):
Just around the next corner.
SPEAKER_03 (38:16):
You know, look where we are, we're getting close to
the park.
And this was a habit and aroutine that served us well.
It kept me from being a reallyangry, crappy dad.
SPEAKER_02 (38:32):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (38:35):
And it was helpful for the kids because they
weren't as aware as an adultmight be of the emotions they
were feeling and the impactthose emotions were having on
them.
So that's just a simple exampleof sort of how I dealt with one
kind of very simple, you know.
(38:55):
There's a there's a millionsituations being a parent, and
there's a billion problems withall of those situations.
SPEAKER_00 (39:02):
And so And yeah, I don't I think it's impossible to
be perfect, right?
It's impossible to raise yourkids in a perfect.
I don't even know what perfectwould be.
SPEAKER_03 (39:12):
Like it's it's just that's a reframe I use for
almost every client.
Perfect is a stupid idea.
Perfect is a stupid idea.
Nothing can be perfect.
There's nothing perfect.
Can't be perfect.
Perfect is suggesting that youshould be better without ever
having the real possibility ofbeing that good.
SPEAKER_00 (39:33):
Yeah.
My reframe is we're not robotsyet.
SPEAKER_03 (39:38):
I like that.
SPEAKER_00 (39:43):
So as an adult, when we're uh, you know, again, I
think the I think, I don't know,uh, besides addictions where
you're maybe gambling or outdrinking or something.
But I think a a big one is yeah,sitting on the couch or in a
chair and eating.
Reading food or watching TV ornot that not that watching TV or
(40:04):
eating food is bad, but when itbecomes something that is
masking, right?
You finish you finish the showand then instantly your mind is
taken back to what you weredwelling on.
Yeah, uh it can just get out ofcontrol.
So I think it's important to beable to say to yourself, ask
(40:28):
yourself, what is what is thethere's there's thoughts here,
but what is the emotion, right?
What is the emotion?
Where where is that in the body?
And of course we go into thosetechniques of you know asking
the emotion.
If you think of if you think ofevery emotion as a version of
(40:50):
you that's probably muchyounger, kicking and screaming,
saying, Hey, please listen tome, please listen to me.
We normally turn away from them,and they're not gonna stop
banging down the door, right?
They're not gonna stop yellingfor your attention.
And so I think it's important toask your your emotions, your
(41:14):
basically your younger self,what's what's going on for you?
Like tell me, tell me whatyou're feeling, tell me what
you're holding on to, and thenyou can start the process of of
releasing.
Yeah.
unknown (41:29):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (41:29):
Yeah.
So the the goal is to create acourse that helps you understand
and deal with emotion, just as afast, fast primer.
You know, emotions havemeanings.
If I'm sad, then it means I'velost something.
And so I should examine that.
And it's calling for me to finda way to both grieve and find
(41:53):
something new, a new way ofseeing things.
Anger is that I'm being treatedunfairly.
This is an unfair situation.
And what it's asking you to dois find a way to make it fair,
which can be hard.
But when you make a situationfair, which is often just simply
pointing it out, saying, This isunfair to me because it's
(42:14):
amazing how people shift.
Because people recognize peoplehave a natural desire to be
fair.
Guilt is I've done somethingwrong.
I've done something that'sunfair.
And guilt is really a uselessemotion if it gets held on to.
SPEAKER_02 (42:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (42:30):
And that's exactly the way most people approach
guilt is to hang on to it.
Once I'm guilty, I'm guilty.
There's nothing I can do aboutthat.
And so, you know, find a way toalleviate that.
I use the, I call it the threeA's.
Admit you make you made amistake, admit it, apologize for
it, and accommodate for it.
Do anything you can to make itbetter, it's reasonable, and
(42:53):
then let it go because you'vedone what you can to fix your
mistake.
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (42:58):
And forgive yourself.
SPEAKER_03 (43:00):
Well, that's shame.
When shame starts to say, shameshifts from guilt into um, I am
bad.
Guilt is I did something bad.
Shame is I am bad because I didsomething bad.
SPEAKER_00 (43:15):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (43:16):
And shame then starts to become really, really
deep.
SPEAKER_01 (43:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (43:19):
Because shame is one of those limiting beliefs.
It's one of those deep habits.
And, you know, that's whereforgiveness really kicks in.
Attach the shame, take theshame, go back to the thing that
makes you feel guilty, do whatyou can to fix it, and then
release it through forgiveness.
Because, you know, we can allthink of somebody that we could
(43:41):
forgive anything.
There are people that we love somuch, and forgiveness is that
process of letting the love comefirst, letting the love come
forward.
You know, fear is that I'm indanger, and it comes in varying
degrees.
And so do the thing thatalleviates the danger.
Do the thing, get yourself thehell out of there.
There's nothing wrong withgetting the hell out of there,
(44:02):
right?
There's never anything wrongwith that, but that's flight.
And sometimes, if you alleviatethe emotion and relax, now maybe
fight becomes an option.
Or sometimes the fear itselfjust dissipates because you
realize it's not the dangerousthing you thought it was.
(44:24):
You're not really at risk.
But you know, a lot of thingstrigger fear in us.
So that's that's for real.
Depression is that feeling thatI don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I've lost my ability to respondto this.
I don't know what to do.
And depression is is really bestresolved with asking for help.
unknown (44:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (44:49):
Knowing you're not alone is an incredible way to
alleviate depression.
And so, even on those days whenyou'd rather avoid people
because they're telling you tosnap out of it, sometimes it's
good just to ask for helpanyway.
So there's some examples ofemotions, right?
(45:10):
That call, seek some kind ofresolution.
SPEAKER_02 (45:15):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (45:15):
Right.
And when you take the time tosay, I feel this, and then you
say, Well, what's the message?
What does this mean?
And then you act consistent withthat.
You act in a way to resolve thatmessage.
These emotions just dissipate.
And emotions are meant to flow,they're meant to dissipate,
they're meant to go, they're notmeant to be hung on to.
SPEAKER_00 (45:37):
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (45:40):
A lot of stuff.
SPEAKER_00 (45:40):
There's a lot of stuff.
SPEAKER_03 (45:44):
Any comments, questions?
SPEAKER_00 (45:45):
Any comments or questions?
Nope.
SPEAKER_03 (45:49):
Too much stuff.
SPEAKER_00 (45:50):
Thanks for hanging out.
I know, yeah.
Today was kind of deep.
Yeah, thanks for coming out.
And if you're still with us, youcan check the description box
below wherever you're listeningto this podcast.
And you can find our school, youcan find our email, our website,
(46:10):
and reach out if you like.
Okay.
So have a good day.
We are on the line.
SPEAKER_03 (00:10):
Sun's coming up.
Sun's coming up.
The river is open.
So there's this.
We are right where the lakemeets the river, and there's a
channel, a deep part, out in themiddle, where it's substantially
deeper than everything else.
It's where the river used to be.
(00:30):
And the river itself flows allyear long.
And it takes a lot of cold tofreeze over that river.
So yesterday it was frozen over.
So you know it's cold.
SPEAKER_00 (00:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (00:44):
Today it's not frozen over the water.
You can see the stream of thewater in the middle of the ice,
ice on either side of it, butthe stream is flowing.
SPEAKER_00 (00:53):
Would you say we're having like January temperatures
a little bit?
SPEAKER_03 (00:56):
We are absolutely having an early winter, but I
was reading about the polarvortex.
Don't you know?
And it's all about disruptionsin the polar vortex.
Some places are getting warmerthan they normally get.
That's not us.
unknown (01:13):
Nope.
SPEAKER_03 (01:14):
Some people are getting the wrong spot.
Some people are getting colderthan normal.
Disruptions in the polar vortex.
Yeah.
Anticipating weather.
I think it's just really easy tohave the weather affect you.
And it's really easy to talkabout the weather because it's
(01:34):
really not something you can bewrong about.
It's raining or it's not, right?
SPEAKER_00 (01:41):
Yeah, and I think anything that makes us have
emotions or affects our mood,we're apt to talk about.
Even if we don't even relate itto that.
You know?
Oh, it's cloudy today.
Or it's raining or it'sfreezing.
Why am I living here?
(02:08):
Every February I think, why am Iliving here?
SPEAKER_03 (02:13):
Why am I not living in Bermuda?
Why?
Why am I not living in Bali?
SPEAKER_00 (02:22):
The chat says maybe this is why Canadians are so
nice.
We know it might be rainy today,but tomorrow can be sunny.
We are hopeful.
SPEAKER_03 (02:30):
Hopefully.
SPEAKER_00 (02:31):
Yeah.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (02:34):
All right.
Enough gibber jabber.
What's the topic today?
SPEAKER_00 (02:38):
Distraction.
SPEAKER_03 (02:39):
Distraction.
Talking about relaxationyesterday.
And it's important, I think, todistinguish between relaxation
and distraction.
SPEAKER_00 (02:48):
Yeah.
Yep.
SPEAKER_03 (02:50):
I think that we sometimes use distraction to
relax.
SPEAKER_02 (02:56):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (02:56):
In fact, it's a great technique when you're
trying to break somebody out ofa thought pattern.
Right.
And we talked yesterday abouthow just distracting yourself by
expanding your attention andyour awareness, right?
And that distraction is a kindof a tool we can use to promote
(03:21):
relaxation.
But sometimes distraction can gotoo far.
SPEAKER_00 (03:29):
Like me sitting down watching TV after having
clients, but that's one thing.
But then when I find myselfeating a whole bag of chips, not
realizing that I've eaten awhole bag of chips.
SPEAKER_03 (03:41):
Distraction and comforting.
SPEAKER_00 (03:43):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (03:44):
All in the same package.
SPEAKER_02 (03:45):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (03:46):
That's uh that's really normal.
I don't know anybody thatdoesn't have comforting and
distracting behaviors.
SPEAKER_02 (03:54):
No.
SPEAKER_03 (03:54):
Right.
And I don't know how you how youcan live in this world and not
have found yourself somedistracting and comforting
behaviors.
SPEAKER_00 (04:06):
So where does it cross that border?
SPEAKER_03 (04:09):
It crosses the border when you're not resolving
the thing that was bringing youstress and tension.
It's one thing to move away froma stressful topic because you
found a solution, right?
It's one thing to say, okay,that's fixed.
(04:30):
Like a flat tire.
I'm driving down the road, I geta flat tire, all crap.
I get the flat tire fixed.
And, you know, I'm really at apoint where I say, well, that's
over with.
That's not a point ofdistraction.
That's not a point of stress.
That's not a point ofcontention.
It's no longer something that isdemanding my attention.
(04:54):
It's no longer something that'smaking my life uncomfortable.
It's just over.
And when it's over, we just moveright along.
But unfortunately, we spend alot of our lives doing and being
responsible for things that wedon't like.
And that doesn't get resolved.
(05:16):
And we enter into relationshipsthat sometimes aren't very
functional.
And we don't do something aboutthat.
SPEAKER_00 (05:26):
Right.
You're saying like therelationship is a distraction?
SPEAKER_03 (05:31):
No, I'm saying that there are things in our lives
like relationships or jobs, oryou know, it can even be your
home, right?
It can be, you know, any aspectof your life that's causing you
stress.
And I typically think in termsof our typical North American
lifestyle, which isrelationships, money, and jobs.
SPEAKER_00 (05:55):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (05:56):
And these are constant stressors.
And and sometimes we putourselves in situations that
don't get resolved.
Now, when when we are underextreme stress, when we are
being activated and um we're notthinking clearly anymore, our
(06:19):
emotions have overwhelmed us.
Those are the moments whererelaxation is a really powerful
tool.
And we talked about thatyesterday, the kind of tools you
can use to help yourself relaxin the moment.
And distraction is one of them,putting your attention
elsewhere.
And there's really nothing wrongwith distraction until it
(06:44):
becomes, well, distraction canbecome addiction.
Distraction, in some hypnotistminds, one of our one of our
teachers, Cal Banion, you know,he he talks about distraction as
addiction.
It is the process of distractingyourself from unresolved
emotions, using whatever it isthat you use over and over and
(07:06):
over, and that the problem withthat distraction is it didn't
resolve the emotion.
It didn't resolve the problem.
And so we just feel compelled togo back to the distraction.
And then the distraction becomeshabitual.
And I think I don't know.
I find myself saying this a lotthe last couple of years.
And I really think that it'sprobably a really powerful idea
(07:31):
is to see yourself and yourthoughts and your emotions as
habitual.
And the reason emotions stay isbecause they don't get resolved.
So I always use the example, youknow, when I am I'm I'm working
late at the office and I walkout the door, and there's a
(07:53):
crowd of young guys standingaround my truck, and I have
fear.
And that's really normal andthat's really healthy.
Like, what are those guys doingstanding around my truck?
And it's good to have caution.
You're smart to have caution.
And then it's how am I going todeal with that fear?
Now, if I'm dealing with thatfear from a state of fear, I'm
(08:16):
probably going to make thingsworse.
And if I'm dealing with thatfear from a state of clarity, a
breath, oh, I'm afraid.
I'm afraid because they'rethere.
Well, I don't know anythingabout their intentions yet.
I'm a pretty strong personality.
I think I can control the toneof this interaction if I control
(08:40):
myself.
And I walk out and I walkconfidently across the parking
lot and I say, hey guys, how areyou doing?
What's going on tonight?
And they look at me like I'mnuts because I'm speaking to
them, but they go, oh, nothing,nothing.
And I just proceed to get in mytruck and I just say, Well, have
a great night.
And I get in my truck and Idrive away, and the whole
(09:01):
thing's just done.
Right.
It's that process of firstrelaxing myself so I think
clearly, and the process of justacting on the fear, doing what
needed to happen for the fear togo away, having a resolution.
And now when I drive away, I canrelease the fear.
And if I know that the situationis over and I've addressed the
(09:24):
fear and I've been verydeliberate about it, then the
fear is going to dissipate andit's going to actually be
replaced with a sense ofconfidence.
Look at me.
I dealt with that.
I dealt with that well.
SPEAKER_00 (09:36):
I understand the fear.
If you can release the fear, youcan make better decisions.
You can walk out to your truck.
As a woman, I would take a deepbreath and call the police.
SPEAKER_03 (09:53):
And that might be a good solution.
SPEAKER_00 (09:55):
And move the office.
Which we did.
So yeah, there's there's there'sdifferent ways that we can deal
with it.
But I understand I understandwhen we, you know, when we're
able to deal with the fear, whenwe're able to relax past the
(10:15):
fear, we can actually thinkproperly because I know when I'm
in a fear state, it's like mybrain doesn't even work any
longer.
You know, you're just sort ofsort of acting, doing doing
random things that really don'tmake sense.
Or you think afterwards, oh, Ishould have done this.
SPEAKER_03 (10:34):
Well, that's that's pretty normal.
So I I'm sort of painting abroad picture on how an emotion
will arise quite appropriately.
I receive the message of thatemotion, I do something helpful
about it, I have a positiveresolution, and now I've learned
(10:54):
something good.
Or I have a negative resolutionand I've learned something
fearful, and now fear becomes mygo-to.
And now I start having theserepeated experiences that are
based in fear.
And that's just the just arandom example.
There are so many examples outthere in the world of the way we
(11:15):
enter into situations and wehave emotions about them.
I mean, you can talk that wayabout just going to see your
family for Christmas, right?
Same kind of thing.
I'm going to go into a situationthat's going to cause me
emotions.
What are those emotions?
What do they mean?
What is a good way to resolvethose emotions?
Now, when I do that in a stateof relaxation, I'm thinking
(11:40):
clearer.
I am more logical.
I am more creative.
I'm able to think the problem ina broader way.
And that's why everybody elsehas solutions for my problems,
right?
I state my problem and everybodyelse, they have no emotion about
it.
So they're able to come up withall kinds of ideas.
This is the value in asking forhelp, right?
(12:03):
So it's about sometimes knowingthat my emotional state is
interfering with my own skillsand abilities, and that I move
into relaxation.
And we talked yesterday aboutusing the techniques that would
cause me to relax, right?
You my sympathetic nervoussystem kicked in, my blood
(12:24):
pressure goes up, my pupilsdilate, my muscles tense,
adrenaline starts to flow,cortisol starts to flow.
There's all these things goingon in my body to deal with a
situation of fear, a situationof stress.
Right?
I can use breathing, I can usemy hearing, I can use my vision,
(12:45):
I can use distraction to helpmyself alleviate the emotional
intensity so that my mindfunctions clearer.
And that's a really greatability.
If you have that ability, if youcan develop that ability in a
multitude of life situations,that's that's just a great hack.
(13:06):
What most of us fall prey to isthat, you know, here's an
example.
I got a job and I hate my job,and I hate the person I work
for, and I hate the people Iwork with, and every day I go to
work, and every day I'm angry,and I'm angry and I'm
frustrated, and I'm building upthat fear and that anger before
I even walk into the workplace.
(13:26):
My commute starts to become aprocess of building up my
defenses.
I get to work, I spend my timeat work, I get through the day,
I go, oh, thank God.
I come home and then I need torelax.
So I have some drinks, I smokesome cannabis, I watch some
(13:48):
ridiculous 750 TikToks on myphone.
I do all these things todistract myself from the stress
and the anger and the fear thatI've held all day long to the
point where I'm not even clearabout it anymore because I'm
(14:09):
going there every single day.
Every day I go through the sameroutine.
I had a job once and I workedthere for just over a year.
And by the time I'd been therefour months, the sound of the
bell on the elevator made menauseous.
I had to go up 36 floors and I'dget to the bottom and I'd press
(14:30):
the button, and then theelevator would come, it would go
ding.
And all of a sudden, I feelmyself getting sick, just
feeling really crappy.
And it was just the routine Iwent through every day for so
long.
I had like Pavlov's dogs.
I had trained myself to get intoa state so I could get through
(14:53):
the day at this job that I hatedso much.
And then, of course, I'd comehome and I'd drink, and I'd come
home and I'd eat too much, andI'd come home and I'd be
distracted from my kids.
And that's useless, right?
This is really normal, but it'snot helpful.
So the problem was the job.
And of course, immediately, youknow, I woke up one day and
(15:16):
said, That's it, I'm done.
And I walked into the office andI typed on my computer
resignation letter and I printedit off.
And I waited till after lunch.
I walked into my boss's officeand said, Here's my notice.
My boss loved it because hehated me.
He wanted me to go, right?
But I felt so much reliefknowing that there was a day
(15:37):
that all of this was going toend.
Now, yeah, we're all reliant onour jobs, which makes it really
hard to make those choices.
And we're all very trappedwithin death that makes it
really hard to make thosechoices.
The point is, is that I wasgoing to feel that way.
And I was going to have todistract myself from those
(15:58):
feelings until I had a plan toresolve it, until I was actively
saying, I need to resolve thesefeelings.
I need them to end.
And I knew that the only waythey would end was for me to
leave there.
And so, in the moment of makingthat decision to leave,
everything changed for me.
SPEAKER_00 (16:17):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (16:18):
So pulling all of that back, we can use
distraction as a great way torelax.
But distraction can become anaddiction.
And then the actual underlyingsituation never gets resolved.
And so the emotion never goesaway.
And so it becomes this body,this thought form of anxiety
(16:43):
that just stays inside me.
And I don't understand it.
And I can't seem to do enough todistract myself from it as I try
to just relax into my life.
You know, we're all just thatway.
And like you said earlier,before we started, we we want to
talk tomorrow about the kinds oflimiting beliefs that get in the
(17:04):
way of your willingness torelax.
And for me, the limiting beliefsthat get in your way of
resolving these circumstancesthat cause you distress, right?
We have a lot of beliefs, butit's amazing how when you act
towards a solution of anyemotion that you have, you know,
(17:25):
whether it's anger or it's guiltor it's fear in its form as
anxiety, when you act in someway deliberately towards
resolving the situation that theemotion is is activated by, it's
(17:46):
amazing how much better youfeel.
SPEAKER_00 (17:48):
Can I ask you why?
And I'm I I think this is aninsightful question.
Why you gave fear examplesinstead of like the ones that we
hear about all the way, alwaysbecause like sadness or hurt,
right?
We sit on the couch in sadnessand eat a bag of chips.
SPEAKER_03 (18:05):
Like what was it about fear that um well I think
anxiety to me today, everythingwe live in a world based in
fear.
We're trained in fear.
So let's let's use anotherexample.
Let's use sadness, for example.
There is there is meaning behindevery emotion.
(18:25):
I'm actually working on a coursefor the school on this.
I'm actually like ready to startrecording it, posting it on the
school about understanding whatemotions are and what emotions
mean, seeing emotionsdifferently.
We experience emotions and wehave an incredible, I think,
(18:47):
confusion about what we shouldbe doing with them.
And we tend to hang on to that.
So if you use sadness as anexample, so I'll again I'll just
use myself.
My dad passed away this year,and with that comes just a
multitude of emotions, one ofwhich is sadness.
(19:12):
Sadness means I've lostsomething, something's gone.
We can distract ourselves fromthat, right?
We can keep ourselves busy doingother things so that we don't
think about it.
We can engage in distractingbehaviors like alcohol or
cannabis, any number of otherthings, you know, any
(19:34):
distraction like online gamblingor um distractions like, you
know, you just your phone is anenormous distraction today.
It's a I think phones today arethe tool people use to survive,
really.
But to sit with that emotion,right?
And say, you know, what have Ilost?
(19:56):
Why am I sad?
Because I've lost something.
What have I lost?
What have I really lost?
Right.
And that to me is instead ofdistracting, that's grieving.
Grieving is a process ofacknowledging what you've lost
and finding a way to retain thebest of what you've lost.
(20:19):
And for me, you know, it waswatching some video of my dad.
It was looking at pictures of mydad.
It was starting to get in theregular habit of talking to my
dad, even though he's not here.
There were a lot of things I didthat helped relieve the sense
(20:39):
that he's gone and I have noaccess to him anymore.
That grieving, that sadness canoverwhelm me.
It can force me intodistractions.
It can force me into distractivebehaviors.
I can just avoid theuncomfortable nature of that
emotion.
Or I can acknowledge theemotion, listen to the message
(21:00):
that it brings me.
I can engage that message andtry to find a solution for that
message.
And then I moved through thatemotion so that that emotion, it
really just isn't active in meanymore.
Right.
And now I'm in a whole new habitof just every once in a while I
think about my dad.
I was in the habit of visitinghim on Wednesdays.
(21:21):
So Wednesdays is a day.
You know, I think about my dadwhen I take out the garbage
because Wednesday's a garbageday.
And so I go out, I pick up thegarbage, I go, oh, this would be
the day I'd go see dad.
And then I'd think about dad.
And now dad is here.
Dad isn't gone because he'shere.
He's in my mind.
He's in my emotions.
Right.
And I can use that time toremind myself, you know, there's
(21:45):
there's so much about my dadthat isn't gone, right?
His his my I have all mymemories, but I have I have
sisters who look just like him.
Right.
Well, they do, right?
It's just genetics.
The point is, is he's not gonein in a way, and and we all have
(22:09):
to resolve that.
So sadness, for example, right,can is still an emotion that's
sending you a message, yeah,that's it trying to trying to
invoke in you a response toresolve the problem.
SPEAKER_02 (22:24):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (22:25):
And when you do, right, the emotion dissipates.
When you distract from theemotion, you really just prolong
it.
SPEAKER_00 (22:35):
It's like putting a band-aid on a on something, like
a, you know, it just covers itup for a little bit and then
it's pushed down, like pushinglava down into a volcano.
Not that that's possible, butputting a cork on a volcano.
Not that that's possible either,but you know, you know what I'm
getting at.
SPEAKER_03 (22:55):
Well, I think that's actually a really good analogy
because that's the problem withit.
The problem with it is that itdoesn't go away, and then it
gets attached to other similarexperiences.
And then because it's not beingresolved, all of these past
experiences of loss, forexample, are now packed up all
(23:17):
together, like you know, avolcano.
And then something happens, andit gets people really
overreacting, way more emotionthan a situation should happen.
I mean, people talk about thisas an example of, you know, they
lose a pet, and it's justoverwhelming flow of sadness.
(23:41):
But what it really is, is allthe sadnesses that they
rationalized away or distractedthemselves from from all their
experiences in their life, allcoming to a place where there's
just too much of it now.
There's just too much of it.
It's got to come out, right?
It's got to, it's got to beexpressed.
And then it gets expressed in inways that you know shock others
(24:06):
and that we feel embarrassedabout.
I behaved like that, I spokelike that, I reacted to that
that way.
I don't understand why I reactedlike that.
And this is where we getclients, right?
People come to us and eventshappen in their lives where they
overreact and they don't knowhow to cope with that.
SPEAKER_00 (24:24):
Yeah.
Yeah.
I what I imagine you're sayingis like like using the pet loss
idea is someone loses a pet,there's grieving, there's
incredible sadness, but then wecarry, you know, we end up at
some point carrying on with ourlife.
And then we're in a situationthat something triggers us, and
we we have a you know,overwhelmment emotion and
(24:49):
experience.
Is that what you mean?
SPEAKER_03 (24:51):
Well, if that's it exactly.
I mean, that's what that's whatour world as hypnotists is
about.
People say, I can't do this,help me do it.
I I do this too much, help mestop.
I don't know why I do thesethings, I don't know why I end
up in these relationships overand over.
I well, it's because thoughtsare habits, we are habitual, the
(25:14):
subconscious mind works reallyfast, takes us right back to
similar circumstances, and thencompounds emotions.
Yeah, and this is really normalhuman stuff that can be
alleviated when we start tolearn that emotions are messages
acting us to asking us torespond.
SPEAKER_02 (25:36):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (25:37):
And if we respond, right, and we respond in
relaxation, right?
So that's about you knowunderstanding the message,
right?
Fear hits us, and we have somany experiences of fear in
life, but they compound and theybecome intermingled.
So we can't rationally separatethem.
We don't, we we can't say, oh,that was this, it plus this,
(25:58):
plus this, plus this, plus this,over a period of you know, six
months.
These are the events that alladded up to this sort of
explosion today, right?
This breakdown today.
We when the emotion comes thefirst time, what is a satisfying
response, as Calband says?
What is what is a way to resolvethis emotion?
SPEAKER_00 (26:22):
Yeah.
And instead of turning to foodor gambling or alcohol, it's
important to take a deep breath,like we said yesterday, and ask.
I think honestly, one of themost important things to do in
these circumstances, but nobodynobody's taught this is to ask
(26:44):
the emotion, what are youtelling me?
Right?
SPEAKER_03 (26:46):
That's beautiful.
SPEAKER_00 (26:48):
I think I think we'd be so much better off.
Not that I can say I always doit, but I think it would be
helpful if many people did it.
SPEAKER_03 (26:59):
Well, I think it's about learning.
That's what I want to do in thiscourse.
It's about learning what eachemotion has as a meaning.
It's about taking the time torelax into that emotion and let
it educate you.
And then using your relaxed,very intelligent state, your
(27:21):
conscious mind, your logicalaspect of your mind, coming up
with a solution.
Sometimes solutions areimmediate, and sometimes
solutions take time, right?
So if you are, you know, yeah,in a job you don't like, and
it's a daily source of stressand unhappiness, right?
(27:41):
Taking the deliberate action tobe looking for another job,
taking the deliberate action ofsetting aside what money you can
to prepare for a period of beingunemployed, taking the time to
structure your life in a waythat a shift from one job to
(28:02):
another is not going to hurtyou.
These are all very intelligentsteps towards resolving all of
that anxiety, all of that stressthat's sitting there.
And you will not only ultimatelyresolve the situation because
you're taking action, but youwill feel better and more
(28:23):
relaxed through the situation,knowing that you've made the
decision that it's temporary,knowing that you are doing what
you can to move to resolution.
SPEAKER_02 (28:33):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:34):
So that's an easier example than let's say a
relationship.
SPEAKER_02 (28:38):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (28:41):
But the idea, the thing that we really want to
focus on today is the idea thatrelaxation is a significant tool
in addressing any emotionalstate.
And relaxation can be createdthrough techniques using your
(29:01):
body, using your awareness andattention, using your breath,
and using distractions.
And there are distractions thatare very, very healthy and
helpful, you know, watching afunny movie or going for a walk,
enjoying nature.
We're very outside ourselveswhen we're walking through
(29:24):
nature.
It's really a great place toexpand your awareness, expand
your perceptions, and that, ofcourse, deactivates and moves
you into a parasympatheticstate.
And now that clarity, thatcalmness is a much better state
to be in when you're trying toresolve the issue in your life.
unknown (29:46):
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (29:47):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:47):
And like you said, tomorrow we'll talk about the
limiting beliefs that get in theway of resolving those
situations.
But knowing that, and thenknowing that there are
situations where we're receivingemotions and we're not trying to
resolve the emotion, we're justtrying to avoid it.
SPEAKER_00 (30:05):
Yeah, run away from it.
SPEAKER_03 (30:06):
And so what we do then, in terms of, you know,
drinking, in terms of gambling,you know, this is where
pornography becomes a realproblem in people's lives.
This is where, you know, peopledevelop really emotional eating
habits that that just exacerbatethe problem because that eating
(30:32):
has an effect on our body andthe way that we feel, right?
So these are the kinds ofdistractions people use because
they really do take your mind toanother place from the source of
stress, and they can becomforting.
unknown (30:50):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (30:50):
Boy, oh boy, did I do a lot of work today.
I don't want to think anymore.
I don't want to worry aboutanything anymore.
I don't want to engage anythinganymore.
So I'm just going to go home andI'm going to have a couple of
beers.
I'm going to have a great bigdinner, and I'm going to sit
down on the couch and I'm goingto eat a bag of chips, and I'm
going to sit with my phone openand I'm going to scroll from
video to video to video tovideo.
(31:13):
And next thing I know, threehours has gone by and it's time
for bed.
And I have successfully forthree hours not thought about
this thing that's a problem, butI certainly haven't resolved it.
SPEAKER_02 (31:26):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (31:27):
And now I'm about to go to bed and I'm remembering,
oh, yeah, I got to get uptomorrow and go through that
same stress again.
And that's very unsatisfying,which then makes us want to
distract some more.
And then as a result, somepeople find themselves at three
o'clock in the morningdistracting themselves with
(31:49):
their phone because they can'tget to sleep.
SPEAKER_00 (31:52):
Yeah.
Now, the interesting thing in inmy mind, I'm sure this could be
a whole podcast, but is we wegrew up without the phone to a
number of years, right?
For the most part.
And and we have created habits,not terrible habits that I can
(32:14):
see, but like we create we'vecreated habits where we're
scrolling or we get sucked intoit.
And I think about some kids, notall kids, but some kids nowadays
that have a big emotion and aretold, here, here's here's the
iPad, here's the here's thephone, play a game, right?
(32:37):
And what is that gonna look likein 20 odd years?
SPEAKER_03 (32:41):
Well, it's gonna look like more of the same.
SPEAKER_00 (32:43):
Yeah, not worse.
SPEAKER_03 (32:44):
Well, I don't know if it's gonna be worse.
I think it's going to be thecontinuation.
I mean, the parents, first ofall, being a parent is hard.
It's just hard.
There is nobody out there who'sgot the secret to how to parent
perfectly or well.
Parents really want to parentwell, but at the same time,
they're a human being havinghuman experiences, and they
(33:08):
don't sometimes have the energyto even engage their kids, let
alone parent well.
And so I don't want to be in anyway critical.
This is not a criticism.
This is not an attack onparents.
This is an observation.
An observation that says, I'mlearning something here.
I'm learning that emotions needto be resolved for them to go
(33:32):
away.
That when I resolve them, theydo go away.
When I find healthy ways ofrelaxing from my stresses, I'm
able to function in a moreintelligent, more logical way.
And the trick is to be awarethat I'm having emotions, that
(33:54):
emotions are not meant to stay.
Emotions are not something I'msupposed to get used to.
Emotions are not something I'msupposed to hang on to.
Emotions are messages.
They're asking for a response.
Give them a satisfying response,and they will go away.
unknown (34:12):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (34:12):
And that awareness, if we build that in ourselves,
and that new habit of notdistracting from our emotions,
but attempting to understandthem and respond to them in a
way that causes them to beresolved because they're a very
useful tool.
Responding in that way is justgoing to lead to a better,
(34:36):
happier, healthier life for me.
Now, add to that the incrediblejob of being a parent because
basically you're trying to teachyour kids that stuff, right?
You're trying to help your kidsbecome that way when you haven't
been given the opportunity tolearn it.
I don't know that distractions,although there are new ones
(35:00):
today, and I think todaydistractions are easier to find.
I don't think that the processis any different.
It's I have an emotion, I don'tknow how to deal with it, and so
I distract from it.
So I think of, you know, kidsthat are going through stress,
it's an easy way of a distressof a long car ride, right?
(35:24):
Kids aren't meant to sit stillfor two hours.
They just, they, they're notbuilt that way.
And so when I got to put my kidsin the car and drive for two
hours, I have to deal with theanxiety and stress that builds
up inside them that they don'teven understand because it's
just an energy and a movementthat they're used to having that
they can't have now.
And at the same time, I'm tryingto move this great big two-ton
(35:47):
vehicle down the road two hoursaway to a place we're trying to
get with all these other crazydrivers all around me, and a
time limit and obligations andall kinds of things, right?
So I'm trying to manage my ownemotions and at the same time
manage the emotions of the kidsin the backseat.
Yeah.
That's a task.
And when you can simply handthem an iPad and say, watch a
(36:12):
video, yeah, the kids gettrained into dealing or
responding to their emotionalstate with distractions.
And that, unfortunately, is nothelpful.
And unfortunately, becomes ahabit and unfortunately doesn't
resolve any of the emotions.
(36:33):
And yeah, me saying that is notbeing said so I can put more
obligations on parents.
I'm sorry, that's not myintention.
I you have my every sympathy forwhat it's like to be a parent in
the world today, be responsiblefor another human being like
that.
That doesn't change the factthat distraction as a mental
(36:55):
habit in response touncomfortable emotions is not
going to result in a happierlife.
So, yeah, I don't like being aguy who points out the problem
and not a solution.
So, yeah, so for me, you know,when I used to take the kids up
to the cottage, and it was athree-hour drive, we'd always
plan on stopping at this place,this sort of two-thirds of the
(37:20):
way there point.
And it was parked and it was ona lake, and we would play, and
we would just plan on that.
And there was a bathroom there.
So there was just a lot ofsolutions there, right?
And there was a bakery there,right?
So we could pull over and runaround the park and go down to
the water and jump on the dockand then go to the bathroom and
(37:42):
get that relief.
And are we gonna are we gonnaget a muffin?
Are we gonna, yeah, we're gonnaget a muffin?
And they have that kind ofrelease, and then it's back in
the car and with the muffin andfor the final leg of the
journey.
And it becomes a routine forthem, right?
Do that two, three times, andthey expect it.
(38:04):
Do that two, three times, theywant it.
Do that two, three times, andyou can start saying, you know,
we'll be at the park in just 10minutes, right?
SPEAKER_00 (38:14):
Just around the next corner.
SPEAKER_03 (38:16):
You know, look where we are, we're getting close to
the park.
And this was a habit and aroutine that served us well.
It kept me from being a reallyangry, crappy dad.
SPEAKER_02 (38:32):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (38:35):
And it was helpful for the kids because they
weren't as aware as an adultmight be of the emotions they
were feeling and the impactthose emotions were having on
them.
So that's just a simple exampleof sort of how I dealt with one
kind of very simple, you know.
(38:55):
There's a there's a millionsituations being a parent, and
there's a billion problems withall of those situations.
SPEAKER_00 (39:02):
And so And yeah, I don't I think it's impossible to
be perfect, right?
It's impossible to raise yourkids in a perfect.
I don't even know what perfectwould be.
SPEAKER_03 (39:12):
Like it's it's just that's a reframe I use for
almost every client.
Perfect is a stupid idea.
Perfect is a stupid idea.
Nothing can be perfect.
There's nothing perfect.
Can't be perfect.
Perfect is suggesting that youshould be better without ever
having the real possibility ofbeing that good.
SPEAKER_00 (39:33):
Yeah.
My reframe is we're not robotsyet.
SPEAKER_03 (39:38):
I like that.
SPEAKER_00 (39:43):
So as an adult, when we're uh, you know, again, I
think the I think, I don't know,uh, besides addictions where
you're maybe gambling or outdrinking or something.
But I think a a big one is yeah,sitting on the couch or in a
chair and eating.
Reading food or watching TV ornot that not that watching TV or
(40:04):
eating food is bad, but when itbecomes something that is
masking, right?
You finish you finish the showand then instantly your mind is
taken back to what you weredwelling on.
Yeah, uh it can just get out ofcontrol.
So I think it's important to beable to say to yourself, ask
(40:28):
yourself, what is what is thethere's there's thoughts here,
but what is the emotion, right?
What is the emotion?
Where where is that in the body?
And of course we go into thosetechniques of you know asking
the emotion.
If you think of if you think ofevery emotion as a version of
(40:50):
you that's probably muchyounger, kicking and screaming,
saying, Hey, please listen tome, please listen to me.
We normally turn away from them,and they're not gonna stop
banging down the door, right?
They're not gonna stop yellingfor your attention.
And so I think it's important toask your your emotions, your
(41:14):
basically your younger self,what's what's going on for you?
Like tell me, tell me whatyou're feeling, tell me what
you're holding on to, and thenyou can start the process of of
releasing.
Yeah.
unknown (41:29):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (41:29):
Yeah.
So the the goal is to create acourse that helps you understand
and deal with emotion, just as afast, fast primer.
You know, emotions havemeanings.
If I'm sad, then it means I'velost something.
And so I should examine that.
And it's calling for me to finda way to both grieve and find
(41:53):
something new, a new way ofseeing things.
Anger is that I'm being treatedunfairly.
This is an unfair situation.
And what it's asking you to dois find a way to make it fair,
which can be hard.
But when you make a situationfair, which is often just simply
pointing it out, saying, This isunfair to me because it's
(42:14):
amazing how people shift.
Because people recognize peoplehave a natural desire to be
fair.
Guilt is I've done somethingwrong.
I've done something that'sunfair.
And guilt is really a uselessemotion if it gets held on to.
SPEAKER_02 (42:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (42:30):
And that's exactly the way most people approach
guilt is to hang on to it.
Once I'm guilty, I'm guilty.
There's nothing I can do aboutthat.
And so, you know, find a way toalleviate that.
I use the, I call it the threeA's.
Admit you make you made amistake, admit it, apologize for
it, and accommodate for it.
Do anything you can to make itbetter, it's reasonable, and
(42:53):
then let it go because you'vedone what you can to fix your
mistake.
Right.
SPEAKER_00 (42:58):
And forgive yourself.
SPEAKER_03 (43:00):
Well, that's shame.
When shame starts to say, shameshifts from guilt into um, I am
bad.
Guilt is I did something bad.
Shame is I am bad because I didsomething bad.
SPEAKER_00 (43:15):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (43:16):
And shame then starts to become really, really
deep.
SPEAKER_01 (43:19):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (43:19):
Because shame is one of those limiting beliefs.
It's one of those deep habits.
And, you know, that's whereforgiveness really kicks in.
Attach the shame, take theshame, go back to the thing that
makes you feel guilty, do whatyou can to fix it, and then
release it through forgiveness.
Because, you know, we can allthink of somebody that we could
(43:41):
forgive anything.
There are people that we love somuch, and forgiveness is that
process of letting the love comefirst, letting the love come
forward.
You know, fear is that I'm indanger, and it comes in varying
degrees.
And so do the thing thatalleviates the danger.
Do the thing, get yourself thehell out of there.
There's nothing wrong withgetting the hell out of there,
(44:02):
right?
There's never anything wrongwith that, but that's flight.
And sometimes, if you alleviatethe emotion and relax, now maybe
fight becomes an option.
Or sometimes the fear itselfjust dissipates because you
realize it's not the dangerousthing you thought it was.
(44:24):
You're not really at risk.
But you know, a lot of thingstrigger fear in us.
So that's that's for real.
Depression is that feeling thatI don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
I've lost my ability to respondto this.
I don't know what to do.
And depression is is really bestresolved with asking for help.
unknown (44:48):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (44:49):
Knowing you're not alone is an incredible way to
alleviate depression.
And so, even on those days whenyou'd rather avoid people
because they're telling you tosnap out of it, sometimes it's
good just to ask for helpanyway.
So there's some examples ofemotions, right?
(45:10):
That call, seek some kind ofresolution.
SPEAKER_02 (45:15):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (45:15):
Right.
And when you take the time tosay, I feel this, and then you
say, Well, what's the message?
What does this mean?
And then you act consistent withthat.
You act in a way to resolve thatmessage.
These emotions just dissipate.
And emotions are meant to flow,they're meant to dissipate,
they're meant to go, they're notmeant to be hung on to.
SPEAKER_00 (45:37):
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (45:40):
A lot of stuff.
SPEAKER_00 (45:40):
There's a lot of stuff.
SPEAKER_03 (45:44):
Any comments, questions?
SPEAKER_00 (45:45):
Any comments or questions?
Nope.
SPEAKER_03 (45:49):
Too much stuff.
SPEAKER_00 (45:50):
Thanks for hanging out.
I know, yeah.
Today was kind of deep.
Yeah, thanks for coming out.
And if you're still with us, youcan check the description box
below wherever you're listeningto this podcast.
And you can find our school, youcan find our email, our website,
(46:10):
and reach out if you like.
Okay.
So have a good day.
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