November 18, 2024 • 60 mins
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Reflect on your childhood money memories: do they still influence your financial decisions today? This episode invites you to explore how early messages about money, like the classic "don't spend it all in one place," shape our perceptions of worthiness and responsibility. Through personal stories, we uncover the guilt and confusion that often accompany our spending habits and highlight the complex interplay between gratitude and guilt when receiving gifts. The goal is to help you uncover the roots of your financial behaviors and foster a more empowered mindset towards money.
Ever feel like you're trapped in a cycle of financial distrust and limitation? We share insights on rewriting your personal money narrative by reframing subconscious beliefs about financial trust and well-being. Through innovative approaches like hypnosis and storytelling, we guide you in rediscovering the value of money and appreciating the hard work involved in earning it. Understanding that past judgments or experiences don't define your current financial capabilities is crucial, and we discuss how you can break free from these limiting beliefs to cultivate a healthier relationship with money.
Balancing the act of setting financial goals while savoring life's moments can be tricky, but it's possible. Inspired by Tiffany Aliche, "The Budgetista," we discuss how personal choice and self-discovery are key in navigating financial decision-making. From redefining business models to examining the nuances between wants and needs, we emphasize the importance of intentional reflection on what truly brings happiness. By aligning desires with responsibilities, you can embark on a journey of self-exploration, finding joy and fulfillment along the way.
We hope this helps a little as you go through your day.
We would love to hear your feedback or questions.
We will respond to both in future episodes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
Welcome.
Thank you for joining us forCoffee with Hillary and Les,
brought to you by the State ofMind Hypnosis and Training
Center located in the heart ofthe.
Kawartha Lakes.
This is our almost dailycommunity podcast about the mind
and how we all might change itin the most simple and helpful
(00:31):
ways.
Every day we sit staring at thelake and sipping our coffee,
chatting about hypnosis and howto make those meaningful
adjustments to our state of mind, because nothing's more
important to our state of mind,because nothing's more important
than your state of mind.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
We're back on the line again.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Wine with Hilary Les and Brian Wine and soon steak
and vegetables.
The sun is going down, we'regonna turn the clocks back and
then we'll get more sun in themorning and less sun at night.
No, remember that feeling.
(01:14):
It happens every november.
That feeling, yeah, turn theclocks back and then, it's like
what happened to the day?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
it's five o'clock and it's pitch black yeah um, so
we're here with brian talkingabout money and, yeah, in this
part we're we're sort of gonnaum, talk about limiting beliefs
(01:43):
and reframes and talk aboutlimiting beliefs and reframes
and all kinds of things to dowith money and our past and
future.
Um, that's tyke dropping herbone, um.
But I thought I'd start offwith with something that came to
me at the end of the last one,which came to mind because of
(02:10):
shame, but I think it has to dowith limiting beliefs now in
life, not at the time, but Ithink we can all, maybe some of
us, most of us all, maybe someof us, most of us, um, resonate
(02:31):
with this.
So if you imagine your grandmahanding you five dollars and
saying don't spend it all in oneplace, do you remember?
Does anyone remember that?
Speaker 3 (02:44):
no, yeah, it's a common thing you've talked about
this one all in one place, doyou remember?
Does anyone remember that?
No, yeah, it's a common thing.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Yeah you've talked about this one.
You know, don't spend it all inone place.
But then there was a secondpart to it that I don't think
I've talked about before.
It is you go and you have $5.
It's not $100.
, it's $5.
So you're going to buy allcandy, you're going to spend it
(03:10):
all in one place, and then youget shamed for it, right?
And then the parent or whoeversays why didn't you save some?
Or why did you spend it all?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
You could have some for later, all the things, and,
uh, and, and then, movingforward in life, feeling like
you have no control over money Ilove that you opened with this
and it got me a reaction,because I have some similar
things I've unpacked for myselfas it relates to, I think, money
(03:45):
, but also like food choices, assomebody who's like, well, you
shouldn't eat, you shouldn't eat, you shouldn't.
You know you shouldn't eatfrench fries.
And then it's like well, whyare you eating your french fries
?
And it's like or.
Or it's like, oh, I don't eatfrench fries anymore.
It's like well, why not?
Like you know.
It's like well, I thought youtold me not to eat them, right?
And so we have these loops oflike you know what's supposed to
(04:09):
be a reward to the child?
Of like, oh, here's some money.
To like, go enjoy.
And then it's like, oh well,why did you do that?
And now it's like shame.
So you get in this, um, youknow, spiral of like I can't
make good decisions, I'm notresponsible, I don't know what
to do.
(04:29):
Uh, it takes away the joy ofeating the candy.
Um, and then the result is youjust avoid thinking about money
and like, avoid, you know,trying not to get into that and
unpack it because it's, it'sscary yeah, so I was thinking
about all the limiting beliefsthat can come up from that right
(04:51):
and I think we get these likeearly money memories about that
and I don't know, can't rememberif I shared it on the first
episode or I don't rememberthese things, but one of my
early memories of money is um,crying in the back seat of the
(05:12):
car because my parents bought mea bike and the bike was cost
money and the fact that I wasusing a resource and money was
like overwhelming to me and Ijust remember just being so
upset to the point that I thinkI have a thing about not wanting
to ride a bike nowadays becauseof that, but also that idea of
(05:37):
worthiness, of being able toconsume resources and have
things, and it takes away thatmoment of a kid of like you know
people have all these storiesabout their first bike and how
happy they are and for me it waslike crying because it costs
money and you know kids areexpensive or you know it wasn't
(05:57):
a joyous, joyous thing.
So like we start receiving thesesuggestions early and everyone
has their own mix that shows uplater.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah there's a really interesting connection there
between gratitude and guilt.
Think that, yeah, like whichwanna experience, I think, is
(06:31):
the joy of aspiring andattaining, and then the
gratitude to attain, right,isn't this great?
You know it's, it's.
It's been a task to save andaccumulate money and to get the
thing that I want.
And now I'm gonna get the thingthat I want, and now I'm going
to get the thing that I want,and it's not just the thing but
the accomplishment of havingattained it.
(06:51):
And then, when others areinvolved, it can become that
that it jumps from gratitude toguilt.
And that's really just thequestion of worthiness, right?
That internal awareness of yourown worthiness, your own
(07:14):
entitlement for lack of a betterword right.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
A deservingness.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Who doesn't deserve to have a bike right?
I have a very similar storywith a guitar and my grandfather
and um I was.
I had gone to the.
I was just excited, like I.
I came home and my grandparentswere living with us at the time
.
I was just excited as hellbecause I had taken a guitar
(07:41):
that I didn't play and I tradedit in and I gave the guy a bunch
of cash and the guy was goingto hold this beautiful 12 string
guitar for me and he said, oh,that's lots, that's great.
You know, you can come in.
And I knew I was gettingpaycheck next week and I was
going to have almost enoughmoney then and I was saying, oh,
I'll have this guitar by theend of the month.
(08:01):
Like're just going to hold itfor me and I've got it.
And I came home and mygrandfather said well, what do
you owe on it?
In hindsight it seems like atrivial amount of money, but it
was.
You know, my part-time jobmight have got me $60 in a
paycheck and so it was going totake a couple of paychecks.
(08:22):
It was $100, $120 or something.
And he just disappeared into thebedroom, came out with the
money, said, just go get it now.
And I froze Like I didn't knowwhat to do and my mom told me
just take the money and go getthe guitar.
And your grandfather would bereally excited to see it.
(08:42):
And so I went and I caught itand I brought it back and I
started playing it and I waslike overwhelmed with kind of
gratitude and I kept sayingthank you.
And it brought me to tears,right, because I was just so
grateful and my grandfather gotmad at me and he said stop it,
stop saying thank you, you gotit, that's good, right.
(09:06):
It was just bizarre, right,right, because he couldn't deal
with my gratitude, with how muchjoy it brought me and how it
was just something I would neverwould have expected so it's a
very similar story, thatsomething wonderful, yeah,
quickly, sort of spin in a weirddirection because that that
(09:26):
idea of gratitude and aspirationbumps into worthiness, yeah,
and worthiness of accepting thatand that.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
So I didn't know.
We were going to talk aboutgifting, which is a whole
subsect of trauma, of money oh,it's something I've worked on.
Is you know how to gift?
And actually one of the thingsI learned in trauma of money was
asking for consent to gift,sometimes depending what it is,
because, like I have my ownlayers of like accepting gifts
(09:56):
because of the same thing andworthy of it.
And then when you're overgrateful, you know it almost
puts something.
It takes away from the joy ofthat other person for giving you
the gift.
And the other thing about this,I think, is it's a great
example of like the conduit ofintergenerational, like you know
(10:21):
money beliefs and money scripts.
You know money beliefs andmoney scripts because you know
you send a kid to the candystore with five dollars and then
you say, well, why didn't yousave more?
Well, the kid's not capable ofknowing they should do that and
you've just ripped some of thatjoy from them and you've
implanted these suggestions thatthey don't understand.
(10:42):
And now you're confused andfiguring it out and you wonder
what that means for you.
And I see this now.
I don't have children but witheverything I've learned and
watching children, likegratitude can be learned.
So I see it, I was raised on it.
But it's like you know you givethe four-year-old money to buy
(11:04):
candy, they buy candy and thenyou're mad they're not grateful
enough to you.
It's like, well, they don't know.
You know the value of a dollarand it's like a kid shouldn't
need to understand everythingthat went into earning that
money to give it and that youknow when grandma was young she,
you know, didn't get candy.
And candy should be a realtreat and you should really
(11:26):
appreciate it, because you don'tunderstand all of this.
You should just be allowed tohave the joy of enjoying it.
And when you're, you know 15,you can do a project on candy at
school and how you know 100years ago people didn't have
candy and then how hard it is toearn the money and then maybe
you know, you can learn thegratitude of maybe understanding
(11:50):
what that gift was, versusbeing kind of shamed for not
understanding it when you'rethat kid yeah this reminds me of
something else you said to usonce about it that came out of
your trauma money course, whichis I can be trusted with money
talk about that.
Yeah, that's a good um, yeah,fit into some of our reframes
(12:13):
and to me, like I can be trustedwith money is, you know, for
those listening, like, take afew moments to pause and like
what comes up when I say thatlike I can be trusted with money
and there can be a physicalreaction to that, there can be a
(12:35):
bunch of stories that pop up.
Um, it's one of those ones that, yeah, everyone I talk to about
it has something or abreakthrough of like oh, maybe
that's why I don't look at mycredit card statement, or maybe
that's why I don't save becauseI can't.
You know, I don't feel I couldtrust myself with that money, or
(12:57):
I'm not worthy of having itbecause I can't be trusted with
it.
Yeah, that's one of the biggestkind of fundamental reframes
and it's funny with trauma ofmoney.
(13:19):
It's kind of hidden in plainsight on a lot of their title
slides and things throughout,and they never, they didn't draw
attention to it until near theend and it's like oh, and, by
the way, you've been looking atthis for, like you know, many
weeks now as you've gone throughthe program, but it is one of
those, you know, kind offundamental reframes that help
(13:46):
us rewrite our money story.
So I love you know the idea ofrewriting your money story to me
is how I'm combining hypnosiswith trauma of money and you
know, some story brand marketingthat I do is that is that we're
hardwired for story andaccepting stories and we have an
(14:10):
opportunity to rewrite thatstory, and I think there's
certain scripts that apply toalmost everyone, which is kind
of how we're set up andunderstanding you can be trusted
with money is one of those onesthat I think applies to
probably anyone yeah, it's likejust because when you were five,
(14:34):
someone said why did you spendit all in?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
one place yeah, it doesn't mean that you're
untrustworthy with it.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
I had someone else who said you know, we won't say
who, but it's like you sendmultiple kids to the store with
money.
It's like, well, give it tothis person, you know because,
and you carry the money because-you know so and so can't be
trusted with it.
And you see that in siblingdynamics, all the time it's like
(15:01):
oh well, you're trusted, youknow you're the one who's good
with money.
And well, you're not.
And it could, like you, comeback to like a decision you made
when you were a child andincapable of knowing what your
choice set was, and everyone'slike oh you, you know, you
bought candy with your money, soyou can't be trusted.
(15:21):
But right, you know, thesibling we gave the money to,
who didn't like candy, decidednot to buy candy with it because
they wanted to save it to buychips later.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
But we it was interpreted as you know well,
you're more responsible yeahyeah, it's a funny thing, you
know, when you're very young youhave lots of experience with
money with absolutely no ideawhat it is.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Yeah, it's there the whole time.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
It's always there and you hear your parents talk
about it.
Some kids grow up listening totheir parents argue about it.
Some kids you know they haveparents with different views
about money, with differentcontrols around money.
They have so many messages thatthey can't understand, because
(16:14):
they don't understand value,they don't understand the
marketplace.
Today so many decisions we makeas adults are based in value
right when we buy, we don't buythings, we buy benefits and
(16:35):
value.
So what we're buying is we'renot buying soap, we're buying
clean clothes, but we buy it atthe right price.
I don't have to buy that $15jug of laundry soap.
I can buy this $8 one and I getalmost as good quality and I
get better value.
And that's a really advancedway of thinking about money and
(17:00):
about spending.
Kids are incapable ofunderstanding that.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Yeah, it's not possible.
And then people will laugh atare incapable of understanding
that.
Yeah, it's not possible.
And then people will laugh atkids for not understanding it,
or they'll want to pressure toteach them about it too early.
Yeah, that's another thing thatbugs me sometimes.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
I wonder what happened to me when I was sent
to the store to buy cigarettesfor my mom.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Did you smoke them?
No, I was like six or somethingyou know like.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Here's a note, Give to the person at the store.
They'll give you what I want.
Here's a dollar for somethingelse.
Is there a bit extra for candy?
Speaker 3 (17:43):
Yeah, it's like I also got a couple Swedish
berries.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
So cigarettes and Swedish berries.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
We have those bananas .
Speaker 2 (17:55):
My mother would always say, because she would
send us to buy her cigarettesand she'd send us with the money
and we'd immediately the firstquestion out of motherless can I
keep the change?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
can I keep the change ?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
right?
Yeah, because then you're doingthe math in your head, trying
to figure out what you can buy,right yeah, swedish berries or
the.
For us it was the uh, thebottle of pop, for some reason.
Bottle of little seemed no, theoh, the little half bottles
they seem to be the mostappealing thing, because first
you get the pop, then you takethe bottle back and then you get
(18:29):
to spend the deposit on thebottle, like yeah, these things
you associate with right.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
it's like, well, I go to the store and I buy this and
you know, then I, you know,take the deposit back and I buy
candy, right, you start learningthese things without
understanding all of the contextfor it, and this is where we
(19:00):
start building those like thesescripts.
We have around money and ourown worth, and, as that relates
to money, yeah Cool.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
we have around money and our own worth and, as that
relates to money, yeah cool.
And then we get older and wehave limiting beliefs that we
think are ours but they're notreally in the end yeah, it's
learned from someone and yeah,we can start reframing those or
releasing them.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
And you know some of my favorite reframes, you know.
One is you know money wants tobe helpful is one of our in.
You know, in the grand schemeof the world and the ideas like
money wants to help and moneywants to heal.
So you know, if we reframe formoney equals greed or keeping
(19:51):
it's money wants to heal andkind of along with that is money
also wants to flow, like Ithink it's.
It's meant to be a currency andmove and um you know, this is
one that I had written downbefore, but when we were talking
in the last episode about kindof responsibility and you know
(20:12):
that kind of back and forth ofself-collective self-collective,
like that's a flow and wealways have to be in a flow of
like work and contribute.
You know, like rest, like youknow there's a season for
everything.
So you know money itself alsowants to flow and you know
people who, if we just want tosave it all and have a big stack
(20:35):
of cash, it's not reallyhelpful either, and usually the
people who are kind of hoardingand hoarding and hoarding.
You know, if we dig into theirmoney scripts, they've got some
too and they're usually nothappy Even on this.
There's a book I read calledHappy Go Money.
I forget who was cited in it,but essentially almost everyone
(21:02):
thinks they will be happy ifthey have the amount of money
that's three times of whateverthey have now.
So if you've got a milliondollars, you think well, three
times.
You know I'll feel better andI'll be happier when I have
three million People.
With three million for themit's nine million and we just
(21:23):
always kind of adapted.
Think up to that and for meit's just been a good reminder
to try to not get caught up inthat, but know that you know
it's meant to.
It's meant to flow and there's.
You know people in the courseand I've heard before like
sometimes the best way to getmoney to flow into you is to
(21:44):
flow some out.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So yeah, you have to spend like a millionaire.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
No, yeah maybe not like a millionaire, but it's
also a good reminder.
You know, we work incollaboration and in community.
So when I, you know, when I'mfeeling like, well, maybe I, you
know, it's like, do I reallywant to buy a coffee today?
But it's like, but I go to thecoffee shop and I buy the coffee
(22:10):
and then maybe I run intosomeone who becomes a client you
know there's some flow there orI sit there and chat and I have
a really good idea that then,like, we're meant to flow and be
in community and you know moneyis part of that to flow and be
(22:30):
in community.
And you know money is part ofthat.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
So you know, kind of hoarding it and withdrawing and
being super vigilant isn'thelpful, I think it's important
too to maybe know what youactually want, because I'm
sitting multiple um, but I Ihave a uh and I a thinking
(22:57):
process.
That or limiting belief.
I guess that even if I have amillion I, I should probably
have more right.
Because what if that milliondisappears?
Or you know, like, maybe thatmillion won't, it'll be spent on
(23:22):
things that then I'll have.
But I'm not sitting here thinkwell, you know, you need, you
need enough for, like, a yacht.
Well, I don't actually want ayacht.
So what am I thinking?
It's, it's the other thingsthat people say you should have
a fear, a bazillionaire, youknow.
So what do I actually want inlife?
(23:45):
I think is a big question then.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
I think it's really normal to be confused about that
.
I think it's really well.
It's certainly really typicalthat people are confused about
what money is, what money means,what money they want, what
money they need, like they'rereally confused about all these
kinds of thresholds.
I think, and I think that thatjust really comes from all the
junk that we absorb, all thesethese sound bites that we've
(24:15):
absorbed our whole lives.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Yeah, you don't want this.
You should want that.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Yeah, I'm sitting here, you guys are talking and
all these old sayings are comingback into my head that my
mother or my grandmother wouldsay you know, like my mother
used whenever you know somebodywould be giving my mother a hard
time about spending money andnot saving it, and she'd say
it's made round to go around andthat was her saying it's made
(24:43):
round to go around, in thespirit of talking about having
it flow and having it move, andthat's how she would justify
spending when maybe sheshouldn't.
And then my mother, mygrandmother, was known for, you
know, giving money to people onthe street Right, and her line
when anybody would call her onit what are you doing?
He's just going to spend thatmoney on booze or whatever.
(25:05):
And she'd say, well, it's goneto heaven, to hell with it.
And that was her line it's goneto heaven, to hell with it.
I've done my beautiful thingthat I felt compelled to do, and
I don't want to think about itanymore.
And these are just things thatare coming into my mind way back
(25:26):
when, just things I heard, notsaid to me really directly.
And then all that junk buildsup inside us, all these programs
, and it's all conflict.
Right, because that's theconflict.
You know getting having spendingright.
We want to get it, we want togo after it.
(25:46):
What do you got to do to goafter?
You should be doing everythingyou can.
You should be working as manyhours as you can do.
A guy and he was determined tobe a millionaire and he would
work every minute.
You would let him to make money.
He just said I have time turnit into money.
And that was the way he thought.
Right.
So the whole process of gettingmoney and then having it like
how does it make you feel, likethat old saying it's burning a
(26:10):
hole in your pocket, right?
That was one that used to justget me all the time, because
that's what they'd say to me.
Because, yeah, I was like thatLook at this, I got $100.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Let's go do something right, like what's the point of
having?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
$100 if we're not going to go do something crazy.
I got my very first paycheckfrom my very first job and I
went straight to Dairy Queen.
I'm going to have a bananasplit.
Damn it, I've never been ableto have one.
I'm having one now, right.
And then there's that wholeprocess of you know having it
and then feeling comfortablespending it.
(26:41):
Right, like what do you spendit on?
Like I've had that dilemmawhere you've had enough that you
, you do that process.
You're saying your head,there's a lot of stuff I could
buy with this, there's a lot ofchoices I could make with this,
and being compelled to go spendit, but at the same time feeling
like you know the world hasopened up all of a sudden,
(27:05):
choices have opened up anyway.
Just, you guys are talking andall this stuff that just pounded
me it's actually making methink of.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
So I have this, this savings account that you know.
A little bit of money everyfriday goes into right and I'm
like racking my brain what am Isaving for?
What am I saving for?
But maybe I don't need to thinkabout that, because when I
think about when I havesomething concrete that I'm
saving for, then it's like, ohwell, it's all gonna be gone and
(27:36):
drained once I you know it'sgonna be down to zero I already
go to the scarcity already andit's not even there right.
So it's almost like just save up, don't think about it.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Yeah, it's funny where you think you have to have
it like or have a thing tospend it on, and I think this
kind of relates because, on onehand, I think it's maybe a
natural inclination to have itflow, which is part of the
community.
I think there's also a partwhere it's okay to have goals
for yourself, or maybe you justwant to save so you create
(28:12):
yourself some future choices.
It doesn't have to be for aphysical thing or a specific
purpose and one of the tricks,if you do want a physical
purpose, is people have accountsand I forget what they call
them, but you know they mighthave a travel account and it's
like whatever's in that travelaccount is what I could spend on
(28:33):
travel and if I drain it, wellthen I can't travel for a little
while and if it's really high,then they.
You know.
Now I have some choices.
Do I do one big trip?
Do I do multiple small trips,like there's some things we do,
but you know we do need to knowwhat we want and I want to talk
about that in a moment, butfirst, last last week I was in
(28:55):
nashville and tiffany alishspoke and her she goes under the
budget nista and she has amoney educator in the us from
atlanta and a lot of similarvalues to kind of how I would
teach and talk about money, andthe one thing that happened to
(29:17):
her was, unfortunately, her, herhusband passed away young, very
unexpectedly.
It was like tuesday he went tothe doctor and like by friday he
was gone and she had thisbusiness and she didn't know
what to do and you know, herthing was she just like left for
a while at the team run it andfor part of her journey was she
(29:40):
went to fiji.
She said what the fijians taughther was said they people there
never take more than what theyneed.
And since she hired someone whowas cleaning her laundry and it
was seven dollars a week andshe tried to give them ten and
the person would say, but itcosts seven, I only want seven
(30:02):
because that's what I need, andif I need eight, then eight
dollars will be what it cost.
If it's ten, that will be that.
And how kind of the life andthe culture there was like, you
know, people were working andtrust, you know, living the
pretty good life there for them,but they only took what they
needed, to be happy, and so thatwas just a massive lesson for
(30:28):
her to like.
You know, stop trying to getahead and hoard, you know, just
hoard money.
And what I really respected is,you know, she very openly shared
some of the metrics in herbusiness and you know, right now
makes around four million ayear revenue and a few years ago
(30:50):
it was 10 million and somepeople would lose themselves
thinking it has to be more andmore and more and more and more.
But for her, you know, stilldoes very well but is able to
like structure the business morearound what she wants and the
mission that she's on withouthaving to, like you know, climb
(31:11):
and hunt for more and more andmore and that kind of forces her
into which is, you know, thesecond phase in trauma of money
is, you know, visioning yourfuture and reimagining that
future.
And you know that includesthings like what do I want?
(31:32):
So the spice girls questionwhat tell me what you want, what
you really really want?
How do you want to like liveday to day?
Um, what gives you pleasure?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
is it?
Speaker 3 (31:45):
um, you know, is it like a hedonist lifestyle of,
hey, I want to consume and Iwant to travel and I want to eat
at fancy restaurants.
Is it a?
You know, the opposite ofhedonic is eudaimonic, which is
I like living the good life.
You know, I like sitting on thelawn in the park drinking tea
(32:07):
in the afternoon, like thatcosts something different than
traveling the world and eatingat five-star restaurants.
But you get to choose what yourpleasure is and you know,
choose what you want.
And another part of this is,you know, reimagining even
capitalism, like how do I makemoney If I own a business?
(32:28):
What is that structure?
We could probably do a wholeother podcast on that because
everyone accepts some of thesame things.
Or they go to business collegeand they hear about some model
and they think that's reallycool and then they want to copy
it for set up a business andthink they're going to get some
extra points for doing it thatway.
(32:50):
But really we get to decideourselves what we want and what
our capacity is and what ourmodel is.
Um, but yeah, that like, whatdo you want?
Speaker 1 (33:01):
yeah, and we shouldn't feel bad for maybe uh
wanting either the sitting onthe hill or the fancy
restaurants, you know, I thinkthat's a big part of it too.
People feel bad, like well,what's?
Speaker 2 (33:17):
but what I think sometimes is a problem is we
want something and we go get itand we find that it wasn't what
we all hoped would be.
It didn't give us theexperience we hoped it would be,
and we feel guilty or lost orconfused instead of saying, well
(33:37):
, I wanted to try that andthat's the way it turned out, so
that's the way it is.
How does that teach me moreabout what matters to me?
How does that teach me more ofwhat I want later?
There's nothing wrong withwanting something temporarily
and then changing your mindabout it you know, you're
discovering your own choices.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Like, yeah, do I want this?
I don't know, let me try it.
Oh, nope, don't want that.
Like we're not good at this,we're not good at knowing what
we want, we're not good at atchoosing the exact right thing
and that's okay, like that's.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
That's how you become good at it.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Humans are terrible at making choices and we get
better the more we do it.
We flex our muscle to have achoice and you know,
understanding that is a part ofthat, that journey for ourselves
and not shaming ourselves.
For you know, spending money onsomething that maybe you didn't
(34:32):
like, but you wouldn't haveknown you didn't like it unless
you spent money on it.
My one of my other favoritereframes that is really helpful,
helpful and I've adjusted alittle bit with some help
self-hypnosis techniques is, um,you know, I forgive myself for
the things I did to survive.
(34:54):
So when we think about moneymistakes, often there could be
some trauma attached or therecould be, you know, a soothing
which you're doing to becauseour mind thinks we're in danger,
so we're trying to survive.
So, or social pressure, right,I went on, I went to the fancy
restaurant and I ordered thething I couldn't afford and now
(35:15):
I'm guilting myself, but youwere trying to survive.
In that connection, then,stewing about these things in
the past are not going to helpus on our vision to the future.
So we need to rewrite thosescripts and we can release it
with.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
You know, I forgive myself for the things I did to
survive, or just I am forgivenfor the choices I made to
survive yeah, and that crossesall kinds of borders too,
because even when we do partswork, um, the part came up in a,
(35:56):
usually a, something where theythought as a child that they
had to survive whether it wasactually life-threatening or
really not um it's allprotection definitely is, and I
bet, whatever that was, therewas also some money around well,
(36:16):
a lot of the choices we makeare choices between right.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
It's unfortunate that that's the way it gets
presented to us and it'sunfortunate that often our
society structures things thatway.
But a lot of the choices youknow that phrase a choice
between two evils a lot of thechoices we make are well, I
could do this or I could do that.
We don't see a lot ofvariations, we don't see
(36:43):
gradation between the twochoices, we don't see choices
outside those two choices.
And then we make a choice andit doesn't feel great, but we
didn't know what else to choose.
And again, coming back toHillary's, you know it's a
muscle that we have to flex.
We have to learn how to makechoices and to do that we have
(37:04):
to learn who we are and to dothat we have to reject all the
ideas that have been programmedinto us that tell us we're
something that we're not, orthat we're someone we don't want
to be, or someone that doesn'tfit us.
Right, it's it there's a lot of.
In a world that's shaping youconstantly, it takes a lot of
(37:28):
effort to keep yourself fresh soyou can make choices.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Yeah, and I think, if you are to do a check-in with
yourself, if you're in fear whenyou make a choice, chances are
there's more choices to be hadbut you can't see them when
you're in fear there's eitherone or two, and that's.
(37:54):
That's all you can see, you'relike this but yeah, yeah, just
checking in with yourself andtaking a deep breath and maybe
there's other choices there evenlearning.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
That I know and I love.
Behavioral economics is anotherthing I nerd out on and how we
make certain choices and humansmake terrible choices when we're
aroused and that's fear, anysort of emotional arousal.
We, our ability to make choicesis limited, so you know it
(38:25):
comes back to.
You know, trauma of money.
Phase one is like mind, body,money, kind of window of
resilience.
You know, like calm yourselfdown, start unpacking these you
know, beliefs and things youhave.
And then this, you know, thesecond part is the vision and
reimagination and like so, inmoments of that fear, whatever,
(38:48):
like I know I I'm working on itall the time it's like okay,
calm yourself down, don't, maybeyou don't have to make a choice
.
You know, sometimes we eventhink we have to and maybe, like
, not making a choice is thebest choice for that moment.
You know to, you know to reallygo through some of these things
(39:09):
and that can drive others crazy.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
I know that from experience.
When you, when you decideyou're not going to make a
choice, I don't need to makethis now.
I'm going to wait and see.
Let's see.
Speaker 3 (39:18):
As we get closer to when I have to make a choice,
others want to get somethinginto them too, because they're,
you know, if it's a purchase,their scarcity goes into like,
oh, I need to.
And you know I work in businessand sales and like the best
businesses and the best salesare where you're collaborating
to solve problems.
But there's people who are likelooking for, like well, what
(39:39):
are the tricks I can use to justmake someone say yes, and I
think it's no good if they thenregret it, like so, you know, so
pausing is dangerous to them,right, and you know, trauma of
money like money, stuffeverywhere, um, like to loop
(40:01):
back a little bit or justre-engage in the idea of what we
want.
And um, dan sullivan um, I'vetalked about a lot with
strategic coach talks about Iwant is a complete sentence and
I want it because I want it.
I don't need to justify it, Idon't need to.
(40:23):
You know he's built a businessthat funds the life he wants.
But it's like I'm allowed towant and for me, I you know,
even the idea of wanting money,part of the money, avoidance or
wanting anything is like almosta suggestion I can't accept.
(40:44):
It has brought up a lot ofresistance and in part of this
phase it is like defining anddeciding what you want.
And I know, as part of myself-hypnosis practice, I use a
lot of I am statements, but I'veintegrated a few.
I want statements as well, totry to flex my muscle for what I
(41:09):
want in life.
Because when we define what wewant now, we have a filter to
make the choices we need to make.
So if you're like you know, ifyou want to travel, you know now
, well, I know I need to savesome resources so I can travel.
If you don't know what you want, then why are you saving stuff?
(41:30):
It's all based on well, someonetold me I should save.
I really like that, sorry.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Yeah, I really like that idea of incorporating I
want in there.
You've probably seen this.
I know you have.
I don't know if it's recent orhow long it's been around, but
the I want in the world is likea big no-no right so you have to
(41:59):
say I already have amulti-million, or how right you
if?
You say I, you're automaticallyin lack.
Speaker 3 (42:07):
Really.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
Right.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
I kind of reject that yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
And so I like that.
You know, because you have allthese people now who are running
around saying, well, don't sayI want, because you're in lack.
So I like the idea of and youwhat?
Whenever I said I wantsomething, it it appears, not
(42:33):
every time, obviously, but likeyeah, this is where yeah, like.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
To me it's not always like.
I think there's a way torespect the idea that you're not
.
You know there is a flow andit's like defining what I want,
so I focus my mind on getting it, versus, you know, being like a
kid having a tantrum, beinglike I want this and I want that
.
I want this without actuallyhaving to give something to get
(43:01):
it, but as a way to focus ourmind like, how do I know what
I'm saving for?
And then I distract myself withspending and doing all of these
things without knowing if Iwant to do it.
So if it's like you know, Iwant to live a life of travel,
(43:21):
then I can make money, choicesand work choices that allow me
to live the life, because we getto create it.
Like you know, I'm I amperfectly worthy to create my
life or co-create my life as Iwant to.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
So, yeah, I need to filter in some wants.
Yeah, I'm hearing everything youguys are saying and I'm
agreeing with it, but I'm alsofeeling a little bit of
(44:00):
resistance, because I think thatone of the programs that our
society is really good atinstilling into everybody is the
program that says I'll be happywhen I get this Right.
And I think that I want.
(44:20):
I don't think there's anythingwrong with wanting and desiring,
and it's about understanding.
You know where that places you,where that places you
emotionally and mentally, and soI think there's a certain
amount of deliberation andintentional thinking that needs
to go on to sort of finish thisidea off, to sort of be aware of
(44:44):
yourself, be aware of whereyou've been.
There's nothing wrong withsaying you know, I said it for
50 years I want a boat, and for50 years 45 of those years I
didn't have one.
Speaker 3 (45:00):
I can see your boat now, yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
I want one.
I want one one, I want one.
What was really good was I hadlots of time to realize that,
yes, it is something that Iwanted to be able to enjoy and
Hillary knows how much I enjoyit and it is, I think, a
valuable effort to pause and sayask yourself why I want that.
(45:29):
Where does that fit in?
What is that?
What does that do for me?
Um, because you know for me tobe able to say I want a boat,
there's nothing wrong with mebecause I don't have one and I
want a boat and I got one.
And to understand, you know, myexperience every day is that
the boat's not moving every day,which means I want it but I'm
(45:51):
not using it every day.
So where does it really fitinto my life and to what degree
is it really something thatbrings me joy?
And now I'm looking at the boatand I got to get it out of the
water and I got to get it takencare of for the winter, and
there's a certain amount ofobligations and that wanting for
me all those obligations notreally a problem.
(46:13):
I know that that's part ofhaving that and that's okay with
me.
And so that kind of deliberateawareness about what you want, I
think first of all breaks youout of the unconscious cycle of
just consuming.
That breaks you out of theunconscious cycle of just
consuming and the second thingis that it brings a certain
(46:34):
level of appreciation andgratitude.
There's not too many times Idon't look out the window and
say to myself thank you, lifefor letting me have a boat and I
have this ability to go out inthe middle of the lake and sit
and float with my doggy andstare at the sunset, and this
kind of stuff brings me peace.
(46:55):
So I want to send a message thatit is totally okay to desire,
it is totally okay to seek outand attain, it's totally okay to
have and enjoy.
And what you want to do is bedoing that deliberately, not
(47:18):
because you're compelled by someprogram that somebody else put
in your head, and not becausesociety tells you good people
have boats right.
You know the right people haveboats right.
If you want to be really greatin life, you're going to want to
have a boat.
That's not what it is for meand, as a result, you can tell
(47:40):
what boat I have.
I mean, it's just a cheap usedboat that floats and takes me
out in the middle of the lakewhere I want to be and let the
waves and the wind push mearound, and that's the stuff
that matters to me the most, andthat's just what you really
want.
Yeah, and that's sort of havinga desire that sometimes takes a
(48:02):
lifetime to get to, but having adesire, understanding it truly
as to what it means to you, notletting somebody else's desires
interfere with your desires orcompel your desires, being at
peace with your desire.
That it's going to cost youYou're going to spend money.
That money I spent on the boatis gone, right, and every year
(48:24):
I'm spending money on gas andstorage and all those things,
and every year I'm spendingmoney on gas and storage and all
those things.
But I don't mind spending thatmoney because it actually
provides me something thatbrings me a sense of joy.
And so I do believe that somepeople are out there scrambling
to have, and as soon as they getsomething, the first question
(48:51):
is do I get next?
What do I need now?
What must?
And that kind of compulsion Ithink should be examined and
paused.
And I think there are peopleout there who are saying to
themselves I don't deserveanything and I don't deserve to
spend this money, and the moneyI have is supposed to take care
of other people and not me, andthey have this, this opposite
view.
So I think that there's there'sthere's a healthy balance in
(49:13):
there somewhere and thatunfortunately, I think it's very
common to not have that balance.
Speaker 3 (49:21):
so that's, that's my tirade story I like it.
It's also a good reminder whyyou know, as we talk about these
things in the order and thekind of brilliance of the trauma
money cycle, because we startwith our window of resilience
and tackling some of thesethings first, before we vision.
So what comes up for me is like, yeah, there's nothing wrong
(49:44):
with the I want.
But if we just jump to like,well, I want a boat and I want a
car and I want a lamborghiniand I want all these things
without going through theprocess of like intentionally
digging into it, and then theother cool thing that came up is
like the bridge between the Iwant and the I am, because there
(50:04):
is a I am, this that can bridgeto the want.
Because, when I look at what mywant statements are.
They're not really specificitems.
They're not something that'slike the goal of.
When I have this, I will behappy, like I want a life where
(50:27):
I engage in ideas.
You know that could be an I amstatement, right, I am engaging
in ideas or I'm surroundingmyself with people who engage in
ideas.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
So there's some nuance, yeah, but I I do think
it's very important, like yousaid, to know what you want.
And I think, then, what yousaid about joy and I know I
really struggle with this andit's actually almost a scary
question for me is what doesbring me joy?
(51:04):
I don't even know.
I don't even know.
And what is joy to me?
Is it excitement?
Excitement's fleeting in myworld sometimes.
right, it's hard to keep up soyeah, like joy can be a
frightening question, because ifI don't know what brings me joy
(51:26):
, oh my gosh, who am I?
My God, what kind of human am I?
Speaker 3 (51:32):
Why I'm sitting here at this table is you know, a few
years ago I didn't know whatjoy was, not sure.
I still know, not sure what Istill really want.
But I understood that I'm like,oh no, I don't know what I want
, I don't have goals.
I understood that I'm like, ohno, I don't know what I want, I
don't have goals.
I'm caught up in all thesedifferent scripts and different
(51:55):
things and choices and startedon the journey of trying to
unpack some of that, which couldstart with tilting back in a
hypnosis chair.
And that's where I think thebeauty of this type of work is
is in some ways never ending.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
But you have to start at the start, and money is a
great place to start, because weall are impacted safe, and it
doesn't have to be a challengeor a threat to just openly say
most of what is in my mind interms of thoughts and ideas and
(52:34):
beliefs and values has come tome through other people, and
that's wonderful, as long as Ithen sift through all of that
and decide what really suits me,what is really about me, what
parts of this is genuine to me.
(52:54):
Um, and that, to me, is theultimate value of the hypnosis
chair is that I get to look atwhat's going on in my mind and
sort through it limiting beliefsbeliefs I get to, as Hillary
does her technique, I get tohand them back to where they
came from, I get to dispose ofthem.
(53:14):
I am free to have anything, I amfree to be anything, I am free
to do anything, and that's sortof an ultimate truth, and
everything that interferes withthat is an idea or a belief or a
value that came to us fromsomebody else, and it's okay.
(53:35):
Sometimes, most of the time,these are given to us with love.
Most of the time, these aregiven to us with a desire to
help us live a better life.
They just might not be correct.
They might not be correct, theymight not be helpful, but to to
take those and sift throughthem and set some aside and then
(53:56):
examine what else is down there, and maybe there's some stuff
that um does help me, maybethere's some stuff that does
open the door, you know to beable to say I am free to have as
much money as I want.
I am free to use that money inany loving way I want.
(54:17):
I am free to trust life willbring me what I want and what I
need.
I think, these are big ideasthat really are hard to get to
(54:40):
unless you're taking deliberatetime to examine what's already
there in your mind.
Speaker 1 (54:49):
It's daunting, but it's exciting.
It's exciting to think that,yeah, I could get over this.
I could get over it, but youknow what I?
Speaker 3 (54:57):
mean.
Speaker 1 (54:58):
Like you could move through some of it.
I remember moving through justan ounce of it a couple years
ago and releasing a limitingbelief that I had around it, and
just instant, instant moneyflow.
It was scary.
Speaker 2 (55:16):
I was like holy crap as an outside person watching
you move from a place of fearand unworthiness to open this
business and receive payment forthis business and move to
somebody who is now busy andhelping people and the money
itself is has become just anatural flow.
Speaker 3 (55:39):
Yeah, yeah, that's huge you know this is kind of
wrapping a nice bow on it, buton that it's.
You know we have to go throughthe journey and there's not like
a shortcut to the end.
And one of the things thatreally hit me, that's changed
how I look at money and evenpricing.
It's like we are also in a bodyand our nervous system has to
(56:03):
be able to accept these thingsand we can't do too much all at
once.
So, you know, to go from likewell, I'm just gonna have a
million dollars show up tomorrow, especially if we're money
avoidance, that amount of moneyeven how you reacted when I sent
a million dollars is like yournervous system can't accept that
(56:24):
.
You can't accept the idea thata million dollars is going to
show up to you tomorrow, butmaybe it can accept a hundred.
And you know this is a wholeother series on entrepreneurship
and a lot of terrible coacheswho are like well, just, you
know, double what you'rethinking and add 20 and charge
that because you're worth it.
And you know everyone whorejects it is just haters and
(56:48):
losers, and forget about themisn't helpful.
Yeah, and there's times we haveto go through just pushing that
window of resilience a littlebit at a time and you know,
maybe it's time for you torelease a few other things.
Yeah, add a little bit morestretch to that, knowing that
(57:10):
you've been able to release andtake steps yeah and you know we
take another step.
And yeah, it doesn't have to bethe quick fix all at once, but
engaging in the work just bringsus everything that we want, or
brings us clarity on what weeven do want.
Speaker 2 (57:32):
Yeah, there's some topics yet to be covered on this
.
I'd like to spend time talkingabout what is abundance.
That's a word thrown around allthe time in this world, and by
very well-meaning people, butwhat the heck does that mean?
Lots of stuff yet to cover.
Speaker 3 (57:55):
Yeah, we went through two steps of six steps in the
Trump money process and evensome of them are.
You know, I think a lot of thework comes in the first two, the
work that we're talking aboutand I'm interested in.
I believe that part of my ethosand kind of mission in the
(58:16):
future is helping with rewritingmoney stories, and that
includes you've got to uncoverall the scripts we have and
identify the unhelpful ones andwe either erase them from the
page and release them or weactually rewrite them and you
know, and then we visionourselves a future where we want
(58:37):
to go and what are the moneyscripts that we need to kind of
install so that we can get there.
And it's not something we cando right away.
But I also believe the tool ofhypnosis helps us do it a lot
faster than fighting with ourconscious mind and all of these
money scripts we have.
(58:57):
We can't just shame ourselvesinto making the changes we need
to change.
I've tried.
Speaker 2 (59:05):
That doesn't get very far well then, we'll just wait
for the next time we talk aboutthis and we'll go eat some
vegetables sounds good.
Speaker 1 (59:17):
alright, we'll see you later.
We hope you enjoyed today'spodcast and that maybe it helped
even a little.
If you have any questions, wewould love you to send them
along in an email to info atpsalmhypnosiscom.
Thank you for being part of theState of Mind community.
For more information abouthypnosis and the various online
(59:40):
or in-person services we provide, please visit our website,
wwwpsalmhypnosiscom.
The link will be in the notesbelow.
While you are there, why don'tyou book a free one-hour journey
meeting with Hilary or Les tolearn more about what hypnosis
is and how you might use it tomake your life what you want it
to be?
Bye for now.
(01:00:01):
Talk to you tomorrow, thank you.
Welcome.
Thank you for joining us forCoffee with Hillary and Les,
brought to you by the State ofMind Hypnosis and Training
Center located in the heart ofthe.
Kawartha Lakes.
This is our almost dailycommunity podcast about the mind
and how we all might change itin the most simple and helpful
(00:31):
ways.
Every day we sit staring at thelake and sipping our coffee,
chatting about hypnosis and howto make those meaningful
adjustments to our state of mind, because nothing's more
important to our state of mind,because nothing's more important
than your state of mind.
Speaker 1 (00:49):
We're back on the line again.
Speaker 2 (00:52):
Wine with Hilary Les and Brian Wine and soon steak
and vegetables.
The sun is going down, we'regonna turn the clocks back and
then we'll get more sun in themorning and less sun at night.
No, remember that feeling.
(01:14):
It happens every november.
That feeling, yeah, turn theclocks back and then, it's like
what happened to the day?
Speaker 1 (01:21):
it's five o'clock and it's pitch black yeah um, so
we're here with brian talkingabout money and, yeah, in this
part we're we're sort of gonnaum, talk about limiting beliefs
(01:43):
and reframes and talk aboutlimiting beliefs and reframes
and all kinds of things to dowith money and our past and
future.
Um, that's tyke dropping herbone, um.
But I thought I'd start offwith with something that came to
me at the end of the last one,which came to mind because of
(02:10):
shame, but I think it has to dowith limiting beliefs now in
life, not at the time, but Ithink we can all, maybe some of
us, most of us all, maybe someof us, most of us, um, resonate
(02:31):
with this.
So if you imagine your grandmahanding you five dollars and
saying don't spend it all in oneplace, do you remember?
Does anyone remember that?
Speaker 3 (02:44):
no, yeah, it's a common thing you've talked about
this one all in one place, doyou remember?
Does anyone remember that?
No, yeah, it's a common thing.
Speaker 1 (02:48):
Yeah you've talked about this one.
You know, don't spend it all inone place.
But then there was a secondpart to it that I don't think
I've talked about before.
It is you go and you have $5.
It's not $100.
, it's $5.
So you're going to buy allcandy, you're going to spend it
(03:10):
all in one place, and then youget shamed for it, right?
And then the parent or whoeversays why didn't you save some?
Or why did you spend it all?
Speaker 3 (03:22):
You could have some for later, all the things, and,
uh, and, and then, movingforward in life, feeling like
you have no control over money Ilove that you opened with this
and it got me a reaction,because I have some similar
things I've unpacked for myselfas it relates to, I think, money
(03:45):
, but also like food choices, assomebody who's like, well, you
shouldn't eat, you shouldn't eat, you shouldn't.
You know you shouldn't eatfrench fries.
And then it's like well, whyare you eating your french fries
?
And it's like or.
Or it's like, oh, I don't eatfrench fries anymore.
It's like well, why not?
Like you know.
It's like well, I thought youtold me not to eat them, right?
And so we have these loops oflike you know what's supposed to
(04:09):
be a reward to the child?
Of like, oh, here's some money.
To like, go enjoy.
And then it's like, oh well,why did you do that?
And now it's like shame.
So you get in this, um, youknow, spiral of like I can't
make good decisions, I'm notresponsible, I don't know what
to do.
(04:29):
Uh, it takes away the joy ofeating the candy.
Um, and then the result is youjust avoid thinking about money
and like, avoid, you know,trying not to get into that and
unpack it because it's, it'sscary yeah, so I was thinking
about all the limiting beliefsthat can come up from that right
(04:51):
and I think we get these likeearly money memories about that
and I don't know, can't rememberif I shared it on the first
episode or I don't rememberthese things, but one of my
early memories of money is um,crying in the back seat of the
(05:12):
car because my parents bought mea bike and the bike was cost
money and the fact that I wasusing a resource and money was
like overwhelming to me and Ijust remember just being so
upset to the point that I thinkI have a thing about not wanting
to ride a bike nowadays becauseof that, but also that idea of
(05:37):
worthiness, of being able toconsume resources and have
things, and it takes away thatmoment of a kid of like you know
people have all these storiesabout their first bike and how
happy they are and for me it waslike crying because it costs
money and you know kids areexpensive or you know it wasn't
(05:57):
a joyous, joyous thing.
So like we start receiving thesesuggestions early and everyone
has their own mix that shows uplater.
Speaker 2 (06:09):
Yeah there's a really interesting connection there
between gratitude and guilt.
Think that, yeah, like whichwanna experience, I think, is
(06:31):
the joy of aspiring andattaining, and then the
gratitude to attain, right,isn't this great?
You know it's, it's.
It's been a task to save andaccumulate money and to get the
thing that I want.
And now I'm gonna get the thingthat I want, and now I'm going
to get the thing that I want,and it's not just the thing but
the accomplishment of havingattained it.
(06:51):
And then, when others areinvolved, it can become that
that it jumps from gratitude toguilt.
And that's really just thequestion of worthiness, right?
That internal awareness of yourown worthiness, your own
(07:14):
entitlement for lack of a betterword right.
Speaker 3 (07:17):
A deservingness.
Speaker 2 (07:20):
Who doesn't deserve to have a bike right?
I have a very similar storywith a guitar and my grandfather
and um I was.
I had gone to the.
I was just excited, like I.
I came home and my grandparentswere living with us at the time
.
I was just excited as hellbecause I had taken a guitar
(07:41):
that I didn't play and I tradedit in and I gave the guy a bunch
of cash and the guy was goingto hold this beautiful 12 string
guitar for me and he said, oh,that's lots, that's great.
You know, you can come in.
And I knew I was gettingpaycheck next week and I was
going to have almost enoughmoney then and I was saying, oh,
I'll have this guitar by theend of the month.
(08:01):
Like're just going to hold itfor me and I've got it.
And I came home and mygrandfather said well, what do
you owe on it?
In hindsight it seems like atrivial amount of money, but it
was.
You know, my part-time jobmight have got me $60 in a
paycheck and so it was going totake a couple of paychecks.
(08:22):
It was $100, $120 or something.
And he just disappeared into thebedroom, came out with the
money, said, just go get it now.
And I froze Like I didn't knowwhat to do and my mom told me
just take the money and go getthe guitar.
And your grandfather would bereally excited to see it.
(08:42):
And so I went and I caught itand I brought it back and I
started playing it and I waslike overwhelmed with kind of
gratitude and I kept sayingthank you.
And it brought me to tears,right, because I was just so
grateful and my grandfather gotmad at me and he said stop it,
stop saying thank you, you gotit, that's good, right.
(09:06):
It was just bizarre, right,right, because he couldn't deal
with my gratitude, with how muchjoy it brought me and how it
was just something I would neverwould have expected so it's a
very similar story, thatsomething wonderful, yeah,
quickly, sort of spin in a weirddirection because that that
(09:26):
idea of gratitude and aspirationbumps into worthiness, yeah,
and worthiness of accepting thatand that.
Speaker 3 (09:33):
So I didn't know.
We were going to talk aboutgifting, which is a whole
subsect of trauma, of money oh,it's something I've worked on.
Is you know how to gift?
And actually one of the thingsI learned in trauma of money was
asking for consent to gift,sometimes depending what it is,
because, like I have my ownlayers of like accepting gifts
(09:56):
because of the same thing andworthy of it.
And then when you're overgrateful, you know it almost
puts something.
It takes away from the joy ofthat other person for giving you
the gift.
And the other thing about this,I think, is it's a great
example of like the conduit ofintergenerational, like you know
(10:21):
money beliefs and money scripts.
You know money beliefs andmoney scripts because you know
you send a kid to the candystore with five dollars and then
you say, well, why didn't yousave more?
Well, the kid's not capable ofknowing they should do that and
you've just ripped some of thatjoy from them and you've
implanted these suggestions thatthey don't understand.
(10:42):
And now you're confused andfiguring it out and you wonder
what that means for you.
And I see this now.
I don't have children but witheverything I've learned and
watching children, likegratitude can be learned.
So I see it, I was raised on it.
But it's like you know you givethe four-year-old money to buy
(11:04):
candy, they buy candy and thenyou're mad they're not grateful
enough to you.
It's like, well, they don't know.
You know the value of a dollarand it's like a kid shouldn't
need to understand everythingthat went into earning that
money to give it and that youknow when grandma was young she,
you know, didn't get candy.
And candy should be a realtreat and you should really
(11:26):
appreciate it, because you don'tunderstand all of this.
You should just be allowed tohave the joy of enjoying it.
And when you're, you know 15,you can do a project on candy at
school and how you know 100years ago people didn't have
candy and then how hard it is toearn the money and then maybe
you know, you can learn thegratitude of maybe understanding
(11:50):
what that gift was, versusbeing kind of shamed for not
understanding it when you'rethat kid yeah this reminds me of
something else you said to usonce about it that came out of
your trauma money course, whichis I can be trusted with money
talk about that.
Yeah, that's a good um, yeah,fit into some of our reframes
(12:13):
and to me, like I can be trustedwith money is, you know, for
those listening, like, take afew moments to pause and like
what comes up when I say thatlike I can be trusted with money
and there can be a physicalreaction to that, there can be a
(12:35):
bunch of stories that pop up.
Um, it's one of those ones that, yeah, everyone I talk to about
it has something or abreakthrough of like oh, maybe
that's why I don't look at mycredit card statement, or maybe
that's why I don't save becauseI can't.
You know, I don't feel I couldtrust myself with that money, or
(12:57):
I'm not worthy of having itbecause I can't be trusted with
it.
Yeah, that's one of the biggestkind of fundamental reframes
and it's funny with trauma ofmoney.
(13:19):
It's kind of hidden in plainsight on a lot of their title
slides and things throughout,and they never, they didn't draw
attention to it until near theend and it's like oh, and, by
the way, you've been looking atthis for, like you know, many
weeks now as you've gone throughthe program, but it is one of
those, you know, kind offundamental reframes that help
(13:46):
us rewrite our money story.
So I love you know the idea ofrewriting your money story to me
is how I'm combining hypnosiswith trauma of money and you
know, some story brand marketingthat I do is that is that we're
hardwired for story andaccepting stories and we have an
(14:10):
opportunity to rewrite thatstory, and I think there's
certain scripts that apply toalmost everyone, which is kind
of how we're set up andunderstanding you can be trusted
with money is one of those onesthat I think applies to
probably anyone yeah, it's likejust because when you were five,
(14:34):
someone said why did you spendit all in?
Speaker 1 (14:36):
one place yeah, it doesn't mean that you're
untrustworthy with it.
Speaker 3 (14:40):
I had someone else who said you know, we won't say
who, but it's like you sendmultiple kids to the store with
money.
It's like, well, give it tothis person, you know because,
and you carry the money because-you know so and so can't be
trusted with it.
And you see that in siblingdynamics, all the time it's like
(15:01):
oh well, you're trusted, youknow you're the one who's good
with money.
And well, you're not.
And it could, like you, comeback to like a decision you made
when you were a child andincapable of knowing what your
choice set was, and everyone'slike oh you, you know, you
bought candy with your money, soyou can't be trusted.
(15:21):
But right, you know, thesibling we gave the money to,
who didn't like candy, decidednot to buy candy with it because
they wanted to save it to buychips later.
Speaker 2 (15:30):
But we it was interpreted as you know well,
you're more responsible yeahyeah, it's a funny thing, you
know, when you're very young youhave lots of experience with
money with absolutely no ideawhat it is.
Speaker 3 (15:51):
Yeah, it's there the whole time.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
It's always there and you hear your parents talk
about it.
Some kids grow up listening totheir parents argue about it.
Some kids you know they haveparents with different views
about money, with differentcontrols around money.
They have so many messages thatthey can't understand, because
(16:14):
they don't understand value,they don't understand the
marketplace.
Today so many decisions we makeas adults are based in value
right when we buy, we don't buythings, we buy benefits and
(16:35):
value.
So what we're buying is we'renot buying soap, we're buying
clean clothes, but we buy it atthe right price.
I don't have to buy that $15jug of laundry soap.
I can buy this $8 one and I getalmost as good quality and I
get better value.
And that's a really advancedway of thinking about money and
(17:00):
about spending.
Kids are incapable ofunderstanding that.
Speaker 3 (17:05):
Yeah, it's not possible.
And then people will laugh atare incapable of understanding
that.
Yeah, it's not possible.
And then people will laugh atkids for not understanding it,
or they'll want to pressure toteach them about it too early.
Yeah, that's another thing thatbugs me sometimes.
Speaker 1 (17:22):
I wonder what happened to me when I was sent
to the store to buy cigarettesfor my mom.
Speaker 3 (17:28):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Did you smoke them?
No, I was like six or somethingyou know like.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
Here's a note, Give to the person at the store.
They'll give you what I want.
Here's a dollar for somethingelse.
Is there a bit extra for candy?
Speaker 3 (17:43):
Yeah, it's like I also got a couple Swedish
berries.
Speaker 1 (17:50):
So cigarettes and Swedish berries.
Speaker 3 (17:52):
We have those bananas .
Speaker 2 (17:55):
My mother would always say, because she would
send us to buy her cigarettesand she'd send us with the money
and we'd immediately the firstquestion out of motherless can I
keep the change?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
can I keep the change ?
Speaker 2 (18:07):
right?
Yeah, because then you're doingthe math in your head, trying
to figure out what you can buy,right yeah, swedish berries or
the.
For us it was the uh, thebottle of pop, for some reason.
Bottle of little seemed no, theoh, the little half bottles
they seem to be the mostappealing thing, because first
you get the pop, then you takethe bottle back and then you get
(18:29):
to spend the deposit on thebottle, like yeah, these things
you associate with right.
Speaker 3 (18:37):
it's like, well, I go to the store and I buy this and
you know, then I, you know,take the deposit back and I buy
candy, right, you start learningthese things without
understanding all of the contextfor it, and this is where we
(19:00):
start building those like thesescripts.
We have around money and ourown worth, and, as that relates
to money, yeah Cool.
Speaker 1 (19:10):
we have around money and our own worth and, as that
relates to money, yeah cool.
And then we get older and wehave limiting beliefs that we
think are ours but they're notreally in the end yeah, it's
learned from someone and yeah,we can start reframing those or
releasing them.
Speaker 3 (19:29):
And you know some of my favorite reframes, you know.
One is you know money wants tobe helpful is one of our in.
You know, in the grand schemeof the world and the ideas like
money wants to help and moneywants to heal.
So you know, if we reframe formoney equals greed or keeping
(19:51):
it's money wants to heal andkind of along with that is money
also wants to flow, like Ithink it's.
It's meant to be a currency andmove and um you know, this is
one that I had written downbefore, but when we were talking
in the last episode about kindof responsibility and you know
(20:12):
that kind of back and forth ofself-collective self-collective,
like that's a flow and wealways have to be in a flow of
like work and contribute.
You know, like rest, like youknow there's a season for
everything.
So you know money itself alsowants to flow and you know
people who, if we just want tosave it all and have a big stack
(20:35):
of cash, it's not reallyhelpful either, and usually the
people who are kind of hoardingand hoarding and hoarding.
You know, if we dig into theirmoney scripts, they've got some
too and they're usually nothappy Even on this.
There's a book I read calledHappy Go Money.
I forget who was cited in it,but essentially almost everyone
(21:02):
thinks they will be happy ifthey have the amount of money
that's three times of whateverthey have now.
So if you've got a milliondollars, you think well, three
times.
You know I'll feel better andI'll be happier when I have
three million People.
With three million for themit's nine million and we just
(21:23):
always kind of adapted.
Think up to that and for meit's just been a good reminder
to try to not get caught up inthat, but know that you know
it's meant to.
It's meant to flow and there's.
You know people in the courseand I've heard before like
sometimes the best way to getmoney to flow into you is to
(21:44):
flow some out.
Speaker 1 (21:45):
So yeah, you have to spend like a millionaire.
Speaker 3 (21:48):
No, yeah maybe not like a millionaire, but it's
also a good reminder.
You know, we work incollaboration and in community.
So when I, you know, when I'mfeeling like, well, maybe I, you
know, it's like, do I reallywant to buy a coffee today?
But it's like, but I go to thecoffee shop and I buy the coffee
(22:10):
and then maybe I run intosomeone who becomes a client you
know there's some flow there orI sit there and chat and I have
a really good idea that then,like, we're meant to flow and be
in community and you know moneyis part of that to flow and be
(22:30):
in community.
And you know money is part ofthat.
Speaker 1 (22:31):
So you know, kind of hoarding it and withdrawing and
being super vigilant isn'thelpful, I think it's important
too to maybe know what youactually want, because I'm
sitting multiple um, but I Ihave a uh and I a thinking
(22:57):
process.
That or limiting belief.
I guess that even if I have amillion I, I should probably
have more right.
Because what if that milliondisappears?
Or you know, like, maybe thatmillion won't, it'll be spent on
(23:22):
things that then I'll have.
But I'm not sitting here thinkwell, you know, you need, you
need enough for, like, a yacht.
Well, I don't actually want ayacht.
So what am I thinking?
It's, it's the other thingsthat people say you should have
a fear, a bazillionaire, youknow.
So what do I actually want inlife?
(23:45):
I think is a big question then.
Speaker 2 (23:49):
I think it's really normal to be confused about that
.
I think it's really well.
It's certainly really typicalthat people are confused about
what money is, what money means,what money they want, what
money they need, like they'rereally confused about all these
kinds of thresholds.
I think, and I think that thatjust really comes from all the
junk that we absorb, all thesethese sound bites that we've
(24:15):
absorbed our whole lives.
Speaker 3 (24:17):
Yeah, you don't want this.
You should want that.
Speaker 2 (24:20):
Yeah, I'm sitting here, you guys are talking and
all these old sayings are comingback into my head that my
mother or my grandmother wouldsay you know, like my mother
used whenever you know somebodywould be giving my mother a hard
time about spending money andnot saving it, and she'd say
it's made round to go around andthat was her saying it's made
(24:43):
round to go around, in thespirit of talking about having
it flow and having it move, andthat's how she would justify
spending when maybe sheshouldn't.
And then my mother, mygrandmother, was known for, you
know, giving money to people onthe street Right, and her line
when anybody would call her onit what are you doing?
He's just going to spend thatmoney on booze or whatever.
(25:05):
And she'd say, well, it's goneto heaven, to hell with it.
And that was her line it's goneto heaven, to hell with it.
I've done my beautiful thingthat I felt compelled to do, and
I don't want to think about itanymore.
And these are just things thatare coming into my mind way back
(25:26):
when, just things I heard, notsaid to me really directly.
And then all that junk buildsup inside us, all these programs
, and it's all conflict.
Right, because that's theconflict.
You know getting having spendingright.
We want to get it, we want togo after it.
(25:46):
What do you got to do to goafter?
You should be doing everythingyou can.
You should be working as manyhours as you can do.
A guy and he was determined tobe a millionaire and he would
work every minute.
You would let him to make money.
He just said I have time turnit into money.
And that was the way he thought.
Right.
So the whole process of gettingmoney and then having it like
how does it make you feel, likethat old saying it's burning a
(26:10):
hole in your pocket, right?
That was one that used to justget me all the time, because
that's what they'd say to me.
Because, yeah, I was like thatLook at this, I got $100.
Speaker 1 (26:18):
Let's go do something right, like what's the point of
having?
Speaker 2 (26:20):
$100 if we're not going to go do something crazy.
I got my very first paycheckfrom my very first job and I
went straight to Dairy Queen.
I'm going to have a bananasplit.
Damn it, I've never been ableto have one.
I'm having one now, right.
And then there's that wholeprocess of you know having it
and then feeling comfortablespending it.
(26:41):
Right, like what do you spendit on?
Like I've had that dilemmawhere you've had enough that you
, you do that process.
You're saying your head,there's a lot of stuff I could
buy with this, there's a lot ofchoices I could make with this,
and being compelled to go spendit, but at the same time feeling
like you know the world hasopened up all of a sudden,
(27:05):
choices have opened up anyway.
Just, you guys are talking andall this stuff that just pounded
me it's actually making methink of.
Speaker 1 (27:13):
So I have this, this savings account that you know.
A little bit of money everyfriday goes into right and I'm
like racking my brain what am Isaving for?
What am I saving for?
But maybe I don't need to thinkabout that, because when I
think about when I havesomething concrete that I'm
saving for, then it's like, ohwell, it's all gonna be gone and
(27:36):
drained once I you know it'sgonna be down to zero I already
go to the scarcity already andit's not even there right.
So it's almost like just save up, don't think about it.
Speaker 3 (27:49):
Yeah, it's funny where you think you have to have
it like or have a thing tospend it on, and I think this
kind of relates because, on onehand, I think it's maybe a
natural inclination to have itflow, which is part of the
community.
I think there's also a partwhere it's okay to have goals
for yourself, or maybe you justwant to save so you create
(28:12):
yourself some future choices.
It doesn't have to be for aphysical thing or a specific
purpose and one of the tricks,if you do want a physical
purpose, is people have accountsand I forget what they call
them, but you know they mighthave a travel account and it's
like whatever's in that travelaccount is what I could spend on
(28:33):
travel and if I drain it, wellthen I can't travel for a little
while and if it's really high,then they.
You know.
Now I have some choices.
Do I do one big trip?
Do I do multiple small trips,like there's some things we do,
but you know we do need to knowwhat we want and I want to talk
about that in a moment, butfirst, last last week I was in
(28:55):
nashville and tiffany alishspoke and her she goes under the
budget nista and she has amoney educator in the us from
atlanta and a lot of similarvalues to kind of how I would
teach and talk about money, andthe one thing that happened to
(29:17):
her was, unfortunately, her, herhusband passed away young, very
unexpectedly.
It was like tuesday he went tothe doctor and like by friday he
was gone and she had thisbusiness and she didn't know
what to do and you know, herthing was she just like left for
a while at the team run it andfor part of her journey was she
(29:40):
went to fiji.
She said what the fijians taughther was said they people there
never take more than what theyneed.
And since she hired someone whowas cleaning her laundry and it
was seven dollars a week andshe tried to give them ten and
the person would say, but itcosts seven, I only want seven
(30:02):
because that's what I need, andif I need eight, then eight
dollars will be what it cost.
If it's ten, that will be that.
And how kind of the life andthe culture there was like, you
know, people were working andtrust, you know, living the
pretty good life there for them,but they only took what they
needed, to be happy, and so thatwas just a massive lesson for
(30:28):
her to like.
You know, stop trying to getahead and hoard, you know, just
hoard money.
And what I really respected is,you know, she very openly shared
some of the metrics in herbusiness and you know, right now
makes around four million ayear revenue and a few years ago
(30:50):
it was 10 million and somepeople would lose themselves
thinking it has to be more andmore and more and more and more.
But for her, you know, stilldoes very well but is able to
like structure the business morearound what she wants and the
mission that she's on withouthaving to, like you know, climb
(31:11):
and hunt for more and more andmore and that kind of forces her
into which is, you know, thesecond phase in trauma of money
is, you know, visioning yourfuture and reimagining that
future.
And you know that includesthings like what do I want?
(31:32):
So the spice girls questionwhat tell me what you want, what
you really really want?
How do you want to like liveday to day?
Um, what gives you pleasure?
Speaker 2 (31:44):
is it?
Speaker 3 (31:45):
um, you know, is it like a hedonist lifestyle of,
hey, I want to consume and Iwant to travel and I want to eat
at fancy restaurants.
Is it a?
You know, the opposite ofhedonic is eudaimonic, which is
I like living the good life.
You know, I like sitting on thelawn in the park drinking tea
(32:07):
in the afternoon, like thatcosts something different than
traveling the world and eatingat five-star restaurants.
But you get to choose what yourpleasure is and you know,
choose what you want.
And another part of this is,you know, reimagining even
capitalism, like how do I makemoney If I own a business?
(32:28):
What is that structure?
We could probably do a wholeother podcast on that because
everyone accepts some of thesame things.
Or they go to business collegeand they hear about some model
and they think that's reallycool and then they want to copy
it for set up a business andthink they're going to get some
extra points for doing it thatway.
(32:50):
But really we get to decideourselves what we want and what
our capacity is and what ourmodel is.
Um, but yeah, that like, whatdo you want?
Speaker 1 (33:01):
yeah, and we shouldn't feel bad for maybe uh
wanting either the sitting onthe hill or the fancy
restaurants, you know, I thinkthat's a big part of it too.
People feel bad, like well,what's?
Speaker 2 (33:17):
but what I think sometimes is a problem is we
want something and we go get itand we find that it wasn't what
we all hoped would be.
It didn't give us theexperience we hoped it would be,
and we feel guilty or lost orconfused instead of saying, well
(33:37):
, I wanted to try that andthat's the way it turned out, so
that's the way it is.
How does that teach me moreabout what matters to me?
How does that teach me more ofwhat I want later?
There's nothing wrong withwanting something temporarily
and then changing your mindabout it you know, you're
discovering your own choices.
Speaker 3 (33:56):
Like, yeah, do I want this?
I don't know, let me try it.
Oh, nope, don't want that.
Like we're not good at this,we're not good at knowing what
we want, we're not good at atchoosing the exact right thing
and that's okay, like that's.
Speaker 2 (34:10):
That's how you become good at it.
Speaker 3 (34:12):
Humans are terrible at making choices and we get
better the more we do it.
We flex our muscle to have achoice and you know,
understanding that is a part ofthat, that journey for ourselves
and not shaming ourselves.
For you know, spending money onsomething that maybe you didn't
(34:32):
like, but you wouldn't haveknown you didn't like it unless
you spent money on it.
My one of my other favoritereframes that is really helpful,
helpful and I've adjusted alittle bit with some help
self-hypnosis techniques is, um,you know, I forgive myself for
the things I did to survive.
(34:54):
So when we think about moneymistakes, often there could be
some trauma attached or therecould be, you know, a soothing
which you're doing to becauseour mind thinks we're in danger,
so we're trying to survive.
So, or social pressure, right,I went on, I went to the fancy
restaurant and I ordered thething I couldn't afford and now
(35:15):
I'm guilting myself, but youwere trying to survive.
In that connection, then,stewing about these things in
the past are not going to helpus on our vision to the future.
So we need to rewrite thosescripts and we can release it
with.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
You know, I forgive myself for the things I did to
survive, or just I am forgivenfor the choices I made to
survive yeah, and that crossesall kinds of borders too,
because even when we do partswork, um, the part came up in a,
(35:56):
usually a, something where theythought as a child that they
had to survive whether it wasactually life-threatening or
really not um it's allprotection definitely is, and I
bet, whatever that was, therewas also some money around well,
(36:16):
a lot of the choices we makeare choices between right.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
It's unfortunate that that's the way it gets
presented to us and it'sunfortunate that often our
society structures things thatway.
But a lot of the choices youknow that phrase a choice
between two evils a lot of thechoices we make are well, I
could do this or I could do that.
We don't see a lot ofvariations, we don't see
(36:43):
gradation between the twochoices, we don't see choices
outside those two choices.
And then we make a choice andit doesn't feel great, but we
didn't know what else to choose.
And again, coming back toHillary's, you know it's a
muscle that we have to flex.
We have to learn how to makechoices and to do that we have
(37:04):
to learn who we are and to dothat we have to reject all the
ideas that have been programmedinto us that tell us we're
something that we're not, orthat we're someone we don't want
to be, or someone that doesn'tfit us.
Right, it's it there's a lot of.
In a world that's shaping youconstantly, it takes a lot of
(37:28):
effort to keep yourself fresh soyou can make choices.
Speaker 1 (37:34):
Yeah, and I think, if you are to do a check-in with
yourself, if you're in fear whenyou make a choice, chances are
there's more choices to be hadbut you can't see them when
you're in fear there's eitherone or two, and that's.
(37:54):
That's all you can see, you'relike this but yeah, yeah, just
checking in with yourself andtaking a deep breath and maybe
there's other choices there evenlearning.
Speaker 3 (38:04):
That I know and I love.
Behavioral economics is anotherthing I nerd out on and how we
make certain choices and humansmake terrible choices when we're
aroused and that's fear, anysort of emotional arousal.
We, our ability to make choicesis limited, so you know it
(38:25):
comes back to.
You know, trauma of money.
Phase one is like mind, body,money, kind of window of
resilience.
You know, like calm yourselfdown, start unpacking these you
know, beliefs and things youhave.
And then this, you know, thesecond part is the vision and
reimagination and like so, inmoments of that fear, whatever,
(38:48):
like I know I I'm working on itall the time it's like okay,
calm yourself down, don't, maybeyou don't have to make a choice
.
You know, sometimes we eventhink we have to and maybe, like
, not making a choice is thebest choice for that moment.
You know to, you know to reallygo through some of these things
(39:09):
and that can drive others crazy.
Speaker 2 (39:10):
I know that from experience.
When you, when you decideyou're not going to make a
choice, I don't need to makethis now.
I'm going to wait and see.
Let's see.
Speaker 3 (39:18):
As we get closer to when I have to make a choice,
others want to get somethinginto them too, because they're,
you know, if it's a purchase,their scarcity goes into like,
oh, I need to.
And you know I work in businessand sales and like the best
businesses and the best salesare where you're collaborating
to solve problems.
But there's people who are likelooking for, like well, what
(39:39):
are the tricks I can use to justmake someone say yes, and I
think it's no good if they thenregret it, like so, you know, so
pausing is dangerous to them,right, and you know, trauma of
money like money, stuffeverywhere, um, like to loop
(40:01):
back a little bit or justre-engage in the idea of what we
want.
And um, dan sullivan um, I'vetalked about a lot with
strategic coach talks about Iwant is a complete sentence and
I want it because I want it.
I don't need to justify it, Idon't need to.
(40:23):
You know he's built a businessthat funds the life he wants.
But it's like I'm allowed towant and for me, I you know,
even the idea of wanting money,part of the money, avoidance or
wanting anything is like almosta suggestion I can't accept.
(40:44):
It has brought up a lot ofresistance and in part of this
phase it is like defining anddeciding what you want.
And I know, as part of myself-hypnosis practice, I use a
lot of I am statements, but I'veintegrated a few.
I want statements as well, totry to flex my muscle for what I
(41:09):
want in life.
Because when we define what wewant now, we have a filter to
make the choices we need to make.
So if you're like you know, ifyou want to travel, you know now
, well, I know I need to savesome resources so I can travel.
If you don't know what you want, then why are you saving stuff?
(41:30):
It's all based on well, someonetold me I should save.
I really like that, sorry.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Go ahead.
Speaker 1 (41:37):
Yeah, I really like that idea of incorporating I
want in there.
You've probably seen this.
I know you have.
I don't know if it's recent orhow long it's been around, but
the I want in the world is likea big no-no right so you have to
(41:59):
say I already have amulti-million, or how right you
if?
You say I, you're automaticallyin lack.
Speaker 3 (42:07):
Really.
Speaker 1 (42:08):
Right.
Speaker 3 (42:09):
I kind of reject that yeah.
Speaker 1 (42:11):
And so I like that.
You know, because you have allthese people now who are running
around saying, well, don't sayI want, because you're in lack.
So I like the idea of and youwhat?
Whenever I said I wantsomething, it it appears, not
(42:33):
every time, obviously, but likeyeah, this is where yeah, like.
Speaker 3 (42:38):
To me it's not always like.
I think there's a way torespect the idea that you're not
.
You know there is a flow andit's like defining what I want,
so I focus my mind on getting it, versus, you know, being like a
kid having a tantrum, beinglike I want this and I want that
.
I want this without actuallyhaving to give something to get
(43:01):
it, but as a way to focus ourmind like, how do I know what
I'm saving for?
And then I distract myself withspending and doing all of these
things without knowing if Iwant to do it.
So if it's like you know, Iwant to live a life of travel,
(43:21):
then I can make money, choicesand work choices that allow me
to live the life, because we getto create it.
Like you know, I'm I amperfectly worthy to create my
life or co-create my life as Iwant to.
Speaker 2 (43:40):
So, yeah, I need to filter in some wants.
Yeah, I'm hearing everything youguys are saying and I'm
agreeing with it, but I'm alsofeeling a little bit of
(44:00):
resistance, because I think thatone of the programs that our
society is really good atinstilling into everybody is the
program that says I'll be happywhen I get this Right.
And I think that I want.
(44:20):
I don't think there's anythingwrong with wanting and desiring,
and it's about understanding.
You know where that places you,where that places you
emotionally and mentally, and soI think there's a certain
amount of deliberation andintentional thinking that needs
to go on to sort of finish thisidea off, to sort of be aware of
(44:44):
yourself, be aware of whereyou've been.
There's nothing wrong withsaying you know, I said it for
50 years I want a boat, and for50 years 45 of those years I
didn't have one.
Speaker 3 (45:00):
I can see your boat now, yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
I want one.
I want one one, I want one.
What was really good was I hadlots of time to realize that,
yes, it is something that Iwanted to be able to enjoy and
Hillary knows how much I enjoyit and it is, I think, a
valuable effort to pause and sayask yourself why I want that.
(45:29):
Where does that fit in?
What is that?
What does that do for me?
Um, because you know for me tobe able to say I want a boat,
there's nothing wrong with mebecause I don't have one and I
want a boat and I got one.
And to understand, you know, myexperience every day is that
the boat's not moving every day,which means I want it but I'm
(45:51):
not using it every day.
So where does it really fitinto my life and to what degree
is it really something thatbrings me joy?
And now I'm looking at the boatand I got to get it out of the
water and I got to get it takencare of for the winter, and
there's a certain amount ofobligations and that wanting for
me all those obligations notreally a problem.
(46:13):
I know that that's part ofhaving that and that's okay with
me.
And so that kind of deliberateawareness about what you want, I
think first of all breaks youout of the unconscious cycle of
just consuming.
That breaks you out of theunconscious cycle of just
consuming and the second thingis that it brings a certain
(46:34):
level of appreciation andgratitude.
There's not too many times Idon't look out the window and
say to myself thank you, lifefor letting me have a boat and I
have this ability to go out inthe middle of the lake and sit
and float with my doggy andstare at the sunset, and this
kind of stuff brings me peace.
(46:55):
So I want to send a message thatit is totally okay to desire,
it is totally okay to seek outand attain, it's totally okay to
have and enjoy.
And what you want to do is bedoing that deliberately, not
(47:18):
because you're compelled by someprogram that somebody else put
in your head, and not becausesociety tells you good people
have boats right.
You know the right people haveboats right.
If you want to be really greatin life, you're going to want to
have a boat.
That's not what it is for meand, as a result, you can tell
(47:40):
what boat I have.
I mean, it's just a cheap usedboat that floats and takes me
out in the middle of the lakewhere I want to be and let the
waves and the wind push mearound, and that's the stuff
that matters to me the most, andthat's just what you really
want.
Yeah, and that's sort of havinga desire that sometimes takes a
(48:02):
lifetime to get to, but having adesire, understanding it truly
as to what it means to you, notletting somebody else's desires
interfere with your desires orcompel your desires, being at
peace with your desire.
That it's going to cost youYou're going to spend money.
That money I spent on the boatis gone, right, and every year
(48:24):
I'm spending money on gas andstorage and all those things,
and every year I'm spendingmoney on gas and storage and all
those things.
But I don't mind spending thatmoney because it actually
provides me something thatbrings me a sense of joy.
And so I do believe that somepeople are out there scrambling
to have, and as soon as they getsomething, the first question
(48:51):
is do I get next?
What do I need now?
What must?
And that kind of compulsion Ithink should be examined and
paused.
And I think there are peopleout there who are saying to
themselves I don't deserveanything and I don't deserve to
spend this money, and the moneyI have is supposed to take care
of other people and not me, andthey have this, this opposite
view.
So I think that there's there'sthere's a healthy balance in
(49:13):
there somewhere and thatunfortunately, I think it's very
common to not have that balance.
Speaker 3 (49:21):
so that's, that's my tirade story I like it.
It's also a good reminder whyyou know, as we talk about these
things in the order and thekind of brilliance of the trauma
money cycle, because we startwith our window of resilience
and tackling some of thesethings first, before we vision.
So what comes up for me is like, yeah, there's nothing wrong
(49:44):
with the I want.
But if we just jump to like,well, I want a boat and I want a
car and I want a lamborghiniand I want all these things
without going through theprocess of like intentionally
digging into it, and then theother cool thing that came up is
like the bridge between the Iwant and the I am, because there
(50:04):
is a I am, this that can bridgeto the want.
Because, when I look at what mywant statements are.
They're not really specificitems.
They're not something that'slike the goal of.
When I have this, I will behappy, like I want a life where
(50:27):
I engage in ideas.
You know that could be an I amstatement, right, I am engaging
in ideas or I'm surroundingmyself with people who engage in
ideas.
Speaker 1 (50:43):
So there's some nuance, yeah, but I I do think
it's very important, like yousaid, to know what you want.
And I think, then, what yousaid about joy and I know I
really struggle with this andit's actually almost a scary
question for me is what doesbring me joy?
(51:04):
I don't even know.
I don't even know.
And what is joy to me?
Is it excitement?
Excitement's fleeting in myworld sometimes.
right, it's hard to keep up soyeah, like joy can be a
frightening question, because ifI don't know what brings me joy
(51:26):
, oh my gosh, who am I?
My God, what kind of human am I?
Speaker 3 (51:32):
Why I'm sitting here at this table is you know, a few
years ago I didn't know whatjoy was, not sure.
I still know, not sure what Istill really want.
But I understood that I'm like,oh no, I don't know what I want
, I don't have goals.
I understood that I'm like, ohno, I don't know what I want, I
don't have goals.
I'm caught up in all thesedifferent scripts and different
(51:55):
things and choices and startedon the journey of trying to
unpack some of that, which couldstart with tilting back in a
hypnosis chair.
And that's where I think thebeauty of this type of work is
is in some ways never ending.
Speaker 2 (52:13):
But you have to start at the start, and money is a
great place to start, because weall are impacted safe, and it
doesn't have to be a challengeor a threat to just openly say
most of what is in my mind interms of thoughts and ideas and
(52:34):
beliefs and values has come tome through other people, and
that's wonderful, as long as Ithen sift through all of that
and decide what really suits me,what is really about me, what
parts of this is genuine to me.
(52:54):
Um, and that, to me, is theultimate value of the hypnosis
chair is that I get to look atwhat's going on in my mind and
sort through it limiting beliefsbeliefs I get to, as Hillary
does her technique, I get tohand them back to where they
came from, I get to dispose ofthem.
(53:14):
I am free to have anything, I amfree to be anything, I am free
to do anything, and that's sortof an ultimate truth, and
everything that interferes withthat is an idea or a belief or a
value that came to us fromsomebody else, and it's okay.
(53:35):
Sometimes, most of the time,these are given to us with love.
Most of the time, these aregiven to us with a desire to
help us live a better life.
They just might not be correct.
They might not be correct, theymight not be helpful, but to to
take those and sift throughthem and set some aside and then
(53:56):
examine what else is down there, and maybe there's some stuff
that um does help me, maybethere's some stuff that does
open the door, you know to beable to say I am free to have as
much money as I want.
I am free to use that money inany loving way I want.
(54:17):
I am free to trust life willbring me what I want and what I
need.
I think, these are big ideasthat really are hard to get to
(54:40):
unless you're taking deliberatetime to examine what's already
there in your mind.
Speaker 1 (54:49):
It's daunting, but it's exciting.
It's exciting to think that,yeah, I could get over this.
I could get over it, but youknow what I?
Speaker 3 (54:57):
mean.
Speaker 1 (54:58):
Like you could move through some of it.
I remember moving through justan ounce of it a couple years
ago and releasing a limitingbelief that I had around it, and
just instant, instant moneyflow.
It was scary.
Speaker 2 (55:16):
I was like holy crap as an outside person watching
you move from a place of fearand unworthiness to open this
business and receive payment forthis business and move to
somebody who is now busy andhelping people and the money
itself is has become just anatural flow.
Speaker 3 (55:39):
Yeah, yeah, that's huge you know this is kind of
wrapping a nice bow on it, buton that it's.
You know we have to go throughthe journey and there's not like
a shortcut to the end.
And one of the things thatreally hit me, that's changed
how I look at money and evenpricing.
It's like we are also in a bodyand our nervous system has to
(56:03):
be able to accept these thingsand we can't do too much all at
once.
So, you know, to go from likewell, I'm just gonna have a
million dollars show up tomorrow, especially if we're money
avoidance, that amount of moneyeven how you reacted when I sent
a million dollars is like yournervous system can't accept that
(56:24):
.
You can't accept the idea thata million dollars is going to
show up to you tomorrow, butmaybe it can accept a hundred.
And you know this is a wholeother series on entrepreneurship
and a lot of terrible coacheswho are like well, just, you
know, double what you'rethinking and add 20 and charge
that because you're worth it.
And you know everyone whorejects it is just haters and
(56:48):
losers, and forget about themisn't helpful.
Yeah, and there's times we haveto go through just pushing that
window of resilience a littlebit at a time and you know,
maybe it's time for you torelease a few other things.
Yeah, add a little bit morestretch to that, knowing that
(57:10):
you've been able to release andtake steps yeah and you know we
take another step.
And yeah, it doesn't have to bethe quick fix all at once, but
engaging in the work just bringsus everything that we want, or
brings us clarity on what weeven do want.
Speaker 2 (57:32):
Yeah, there's some topics yet to be covered on this
.
I'd like to spend time talkingabout what is abundance.
That's a word thrown around allthe time in this world, and by
very well-meaning people, butwhat the heck does that mean?
Lots of stuff yet to cover.
Speaker 3 (57:55):
Yeah, we went through two steps of six steps in the
Trump money process and evensome of them are.
You know, I think a lot of thework comes in the first two, the
work that we're talking aboutand I'm interested in.
I believe that part of my ethosand kind of mission in the
(58:16):
future is helping with rewritingmoney stories, and that
includes you've got to uncoverall the scripts we have and
identify the unhelpful ones andwe either erase them from the
page and release them or weactually rewrite them and you
know, and then we visionourselves a future where we want
(58:37):
to go and what are the moneyscripts that we need to kind of
install so that we can get there.
And it's not something we cando right away.
But I also believe the tool ofhypnosis helps us do it a lot
faster than fighting with ourconscious mind and all of these
money scripts we have.
(58:57):
We can't just shame ourselvesinto making the changes we need
to change.
I've tried.
Speaker 2 (59:05):
That doesn't get very far well then, we'll just wait
for the next time we talk aboutthis and we'll go eat some
vegetables sounds good.
Speaker 1 (59:17):
alright, we'll see you later.
We hope you enjoyed today'spodcast and that maybe it helped
even a little.
If you have any questions, wewould love you to send them
along in an email to info atpsalmhypnosiscom.
Thank you for being part of theState of Mind community.
For more information abouthypnosis and the various online
(59:40):
or in-person services we provide, please visit our website,
wwwpsalmhypnosiscom.
The link will be in the notesbelow.
While you are there, why don'tyou book a free one-hour journey
meeting with Hilary or Les tolearn more about what hypnosis
is and how you might use it tomake your life what you want it
to be?
Bye for now.
(01:00:01):
Talk to you tomorrow, thank you.
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