November 1, 2024 • 42 mins
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How do family traditions shape who we are, and what happens when those traditions collide with modern family dynamics? We invite you to join us as we peel back the layers of what family truly means, especially as we approach the emotionally charged season of Thanksgiving. Our conversation isn't just about the nostalgia and warmth of family gatherings; it's also about the tension and conflict that can simmer beneath the surface. Through personal narratives, we explore the spectrum of family experiences—from the unwavering bonds of the mythical traditional family to the fluid, ever-changing structures of blended and chosen families.
In our latest episode, we promise you a heartfelt exploration of the nuanced roles family plays in our lives. Whether it's the joy of a cherished family ritual or the bittersweet evolution of family names and their emotional ties, each story offers a unique perspective. We challenge conventional definitions and invite you to reconsider what family means to you. With humor and introspection, our reflections on sibling relationships and the emotional complexity of family connections provide a canvas for your own reflections. Join us as we navigate these profound themes, offering insights that could redefine how you view your own familial bonds.
We hope this helps a little as you go through your day.
We would love to hear your feedback or questions.
We will respond to both in future episodes.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome and thank you for joining us for Coffee with
Hilary and Les.
Brought to you by the State ofMind Hypnosis and Training
Centre located in the heart ofthe Kawartha Lakes.
This is our almost dailycommunity podcast about the mind
and how we all might change itin the most simple and helpful
(00:30):
ways.
Every day we sit staring at thelake and sipping our coffee,
chatting about hypnosis and howto make those meaningful
adjustments to our state of mind, because nothing's more
important than your state ofmind, because nothing's more
important than your state ofmind.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Okay, we're on the line.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
The sun is shining in my eyes, reflecting off the
water.
It's like there's two suns outthere shining on my face.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Maybe it's the two moons.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
The two moons.
No, it's the two suns.
The intensity of the sun isreflective of the intensity of
our topic today.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, and it's funny because I have good day sunshine
blasting in my head for somereason.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Because I've been humming it.
Oh, have you really?
I thought it was some spiritualthing.
Well, except it's not, nothinghas any meaning, except the
meaning you put on it.
So go ahead and say you know.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I thought it was my great-grandpa.
It might have been I thought itwas you.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Well, he might have put it in my head, I don't know.
Oh my God, I don't know, butit's a good day, sunshine, isn't
that funny?
Yeah, well, there we go.
Referring to family, that's ourtopic today.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
We've been the last few days had lots of family
interaction on both sides, inall directions, of family
interaction on both sides, inall directions.
And as family is, it can bedeeply loving, safe and
(02:21):
nurturing and it could be thecrazy dynamics of individuals
all pulling in their owndirection yeah and so we thought
, okay, let's talk about family.
And now we're overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, I have three little sentences on my paper and
you've got a university paperover there.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I'm on to my second piece of paper.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Good God, families are wild things.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
I mean, you use the word family and people listening
.
Some people are immediatelycringing.
Some people have a really hardtime with their family and even
to the point of, you know,animosity and and exclusion and,
um, complete rejection.
(03:21):
And some people it's the centerof their life.
There's nothing more importantthey.
They live their life in theirfamily, through their family,
about their family, completelyfor their family.
Um, and others actually livethat way, but it's a family
they've completely created.
(03:41):
That is not their family oforigin, not their birth family
or the family they were raisedin.
They've stepped away from thatand they've created a whole
community of people that theycall family, and they could be
miles and miles away from theiroriginal family.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Like family doesn't have to be blood-related right.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Well, that's just it.
How do you define family?
I mean, we use the word familyand we immediately react to it,
depending on what our pastexperience is.
But we can define it really anyway we want, although there are
a lot of really strong forcesout there trying to tell us what
(04:29):
family is, what family shouldbe yeah and how to operate as a
family.
So family is just this hugelyloaded concept yeah, it really
is that, um that, yeah, I thinkthat for most people it is of
(04:54):
their own definition yeah, yeahand I I think, coming up to
Thanksgiving, everyone'sstarting to feel the family.
Yeah, that makes it a goodtopic right.
Thing two right.
Some people are thinkingThanksgiving oh my God, that's
going to be so much fun.
And other people are thinkingThanksgiving.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
oh, my God, do I have to go home?
Do I have to go home?
Yeah, oh, do I have to like flyhome?
Do I have?
Speaker 1 (05:22):
to be there?
Do I have to put up with thesepeople?
Do I have to actually be in thesame room as them?
Do I have to listen to oldUncle Bill?
Whoever that might be,everybody's got one.
Sorry, uncle Bill, I had abunch of Uncle Bills, believe it
or not.
Yeah, I had like three.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Yeah, that's what happens when you come from a big
family.
Big family, small family,family that's assembled family
of choice versus family of birth.
Yeah, what a broad concept andsuch a core concept at the same
time.
Right, a core concept to oursociety, because our society is
(06:01):
built on families.
Our government governs us onthe basis of us operating as
families.
It taxes us on the basis of usoperating as families.
Right, when you think aboutgovernment services that they
provide, your familialconnections are absolutely
essential in to determine what,if any, government services you
(06:23):
get.
We have this society thatappears, when you break it down,
to be built on family units.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
All of that has got to really take a toll on
people's emotions, positive andnegative.
And people who have bigfamilies that are well-connected
and interactive, people whohave small families.
Some people have no real family, and family creates a story
(07:04):
right, the story that we tellourselves about our lives yeah,
that's why I said this isprobably going to turn out to be
a trilogy.
I mean, there's so much to talkabout when it comes to family
and the impact we have.
Right, yeah, and it's shapingof us as a human being, because
(07:28):
there's aspects of our familythat we just adopt.
We don't have a choice, it justseems to be part of who we are.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Well, yeah, and I think you're right there.
Right like, when I think offamilies, I immediately think
about the stuff we pull forwardfrom our families, belief
systems, routines.
You know, what I'm brought backto is a story that I heard on
(08:00):
the weekend where someone wouldcut a roast in half and and put
it in the oven, like so you know, her granddaughter would do the
(08:24):
same thing and then found outafterwards that the grandma only
cut the roast and put it in theoven because not because it
cooked better or something likethat, but it wouldn't fit in the
tray.
So they pick up all kinds ofthings and we just do it because
(08:48):
great-grandma did it, and wedon't even know why we're doing
it.
Sometimes that's a metaphor forlimiting beliefs.
You know, we think this waybecause grandma thought this way
and great grandma thought thisway, and it's like a bad recipe
that just gets handed down well,it is this way that we we pick
(09:11):
up um methods of living.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
I guess, for lack of a more clear phrase, I mean our
habits, the behaviors we exhibitover and over and over, the
behaviors we engage in over andover and over, which we take on
because we think they serve us,they help us.
So many of them just come fromthe observation of our family
(09:41):
members.
It's such an important unitBecause it really starts with
people who are connected that'sthe right way to say it from
(10:02):
infancy, from the beginning.
Sometimes I think it's reallyvaluable just to examine
something, without trying to fixit, without trying to
understand it, just try toobserve it and just see all the
dynamics within it.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah, I think that's definitely what's happening here
with this topic is.
You just have to look at it andthere's no way to fix it,
there's just ways of maybeanalyzing it and seeing, well,
oh well, maybe like I don't needto feel this way because
grandma did, or I don't need todo that thing because grandma
did, if it's something you don'twant to do or it's detrimental
(10:44):
or something like that.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Well, along comes that word traditions.
Right, traditions.
There's a deadly word, there'sa word that some people love and
embrace and think.
You know they value traditionsvery, very much and you know
we've talked about that whenwe've talked about Christmas,
when we've talked about some ofthese bigger topics.
(11:08):
You know that we're seeking torelive ecstatic moments.
To relive ecstatic moments andwe find traditions help us to go
back to those beautifulexperiences and re-experience
them almost almost an attempt toreplicate or relive a moment of
(11:34):
joy.
Yeah, and we think of traditions, that we also think of
tradition sometimes as traps andand and you know, deep, dark
caves that you're trapped inthat you can't get out of.
They serve no purpose, theydon't seem to serve you, who you
are, they don't seem to helpyour life any and you just want
(11:55):
to break away from them becausethey, you don't relate to them,
you don't seem to help your lifeany and you just want to break
away from them.
Um, because they, you don'trelate to them, you don't have
that incredible positiveexperience from them.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Um, you often do things traditionally, in spite
of how they make you feel yeah,usually I think it's kind of
like the first time, maybe youdo a tradition.
It's that excited feeling, thatfeeling like you're.
Maybe it's somebody who decidesto do Thanksgiving for the
(12:28):
family.
Right, they're making stuff forpeople, people are enjoying the
food, and then suddenly you'redoing it every year and then
it's not as exciting as beforeand now it feels like a burden
(12:49):
or something.
You know, I don't know.
I think that is something thatcomes up with people too.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Mm-hmm, do you mind talking about your family, not
about the people, but about thestructure of your family?
I find your family to befascinating in terms of its
structure, right?
Especially when I contrast itwith my own background, right?
You know I come from a.
I'll talk about the structureof my family and then you can
(13:21):
contrast it with yours.
Yeah, I come from two, twocultures, but very much similar
cultures.
They're just sort of, I suppose, religiously and and um, yeah,
(13:42):
family tradition basis verydifferent.
My mother is irish catholic, wasirish catholic big family, 13
kids.
Only nine survived past the ageof 14.
That was quite common in thosedays.
My dad comes from a family oftwo kids and he was the second
and he was told that he he was amistake because you should only
(14:05):
ever have one kid and that'ssort of the, the place that that
he comes from.
And then together they createda family of six kids, created a
family of six kids, and theyapproached it from a very
traditional point of view.
(14:25):
My mother, family was probablyher highest value.
Family was to always be caredfor.
They were, they formed thecentral basis of your life.
Although my mother had friends,she certainly spent much more
time with certain siblings thanshe did with her friends and
(14:48):
that my mother's decision-makingwas always around what's best
for the family and I think myfather took that on.
They stayed together rightuntil my mother passed away.
My father never remarried.
They had, I guess, 20-oddgrandchildren.
(15:11):
You know my dad's into thegreat-grandchildren phase, he's
got half a dozen of thosechildren phase.
It's got half a dozen of those.
So this this to me representskind of a what's the right word
I'm going to use the wordmythical mythical view of family
, this idea that there's thisreally tight group that really
(15:32):
take care of each other, thatthey get big and as a result
they they have a loyalty and aconnection right, they come to
the table in a really, reallykind of normalized way.
I'm trying to be reallynonjudgmental about how I'm
(15:52):
describing this, because I'mvery aware of how different
families can be, because in thatnext generation myself and my
sisters there's a few divorcesand there was a couple of
blended families and that sortof was a very interesting
dynamic that we didn't have alot of awareness of and managed
(16:17):
that to, you know, varyingdegrees of success, some ways
well some ways not very well.
Yeah, so there's like, there'slike a description of a family
unit.
You know, I had a buddy and hewas one of two kids in a family
(16:43):
of two older, an older couplebecause they couldn't have kids
and they adopted, and he and hisbrother were adopted from two
different families.
They weren't connected by blood, so that essentially he grew up
in a family unit, aware that hewas not the offspring of his
(17:04):
parents, that his brother wasnot the offspring of his parents
, that he and his brother werenot biologically connected, and
so much more about choice thanthan tradition.
Right, you know, I have a, uh,my daughter, my stepdaughter.
(17:27):
I look at her life and I thinkit's wild.
She has, um, six brothers.
She has a brother through herfather, she has a brother
through her mother and I and shehas a brother just a brother
(17:50):
between her parents.
So her, she has one brotherthat people would call a full
brother.
She has two brothers thatpeople would call half brothers
from.
She has two brothers thatpeople would call half brothers
from different families, andthen she has three step brothers
and I think, wow, like, likethat's, that's wild, that's
definitely family, a lot offamily by choice right, you
(18:13):
gotta open your your mind to theidea that you know your parents
can have children outside theiroriginal unit and things like
that Like this is to me it'slike whoa, these are different
kinds of families, very muchfamily, very different in their
dynamics, very different maybein their view of things, but
(18:34):
really, really, um, definitelyfamilies, but definitely, uh,
diverse.
Do you mind talking about your?
Speaker 2 (18:48):
yeah, yeah, yeah.
So my family, in comparison youknow if we're drawing
comparisons in comparison toyours it's relatively small.
I think of yours as a full lushtree and mine is kind of twiggy
.
(19:10):
It's got a few branches.
So, yeah, I mean, my stepdad isultimately my dad, uh, cause
he's been there since I canremember, um, and my brother is
(19:35):
my brother because he grew up inmy.
He grew up with my mom and I,um, same mom, um, but at the
bloodline it's different dads.
And then I've got an oldersister who we don't know, but,
(19:58):
uh, um, I only met her in when Iwas 21.
Um, and then I have a youngersister who we don't share any
blood whatsoever, um, but wehave the same stepdad, her dad.
(20:26):
So, yeah, it's kind of all overthe place, and I do.
Part of me wishes that we wereall closer, but, god, we could
go months without talking toeach other.
A little text here and there,and I'm not a fan of that, but
(20:47):
it is what it is right, um.
And then my mom's side is mymom and my nana and my
great-grandma.
That passed a couple years agoand that's it.
(21:09):
That's pretty much it.
And I've got, you know, anuncle, an aunt, on my mom's side
, a great uncle, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Talk about your mom, so it's not just your generation
.
Go back a generation and yourmom's parents.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah, so her parents are my nana and her uh, her
biological dad.
They were very young when theyhad her.
They ended up splitting up whenmy mom was quite young I don't
want to guess an age, butbetween four and six, I think
and and then my grandpa, john umhe, he's passed, but he came
(22:05):
into the scene and and marriedmy Nana um and adopted my mom.
That's where my last name comesfrom, so so your last name is
not even blood.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
There's no blood connection whatsoever.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
No blood connection.
No, but I'm attached to itbecause it's you know, I'm the
only Hillary Leigh in the world.
Now you see it.
Now you see it.
But yeah, it's a funny familydynamic.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
We're not always Well , and talk about your dad.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Oh yeah, so my dad, my stepdad, who's ultimately my
dad?
Just so people don't get mixedup between biological and not so
my stepdad, he is one of threeadopted children, so my
grandparents were not even blood.
Yeah, it's nobody's bloodrelated.
(23:12):
We don't know where he camefrom but he's gone and found his
biological mom, and so has youraunt.
And so has my aunt.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, Like.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
I don't, I don't know , and you have grandparents.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Yeah.
That you um my Grammy andGrammy, yeah, yeah, and see them
, grappia, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
And see them once a year.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, that's my mom's biological father.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
And your biological dad's family.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Oh yeah, so I see them once a year when I go out
to Newfoundland, but they don'thave contact with my dad, or
maybe they do and they're notsaying, I don't know, we won't
go there.
But yeah, all in all is verylimited contact with everybody,
(24:11):
right, very, very limitedcontact, which, when I saw your
family, it was quite a starkdifference, right.
And and I don't know if thelimited contact is is because of
distance.
You know, my brother and Ilived in Peterborough like
(24:41):
houses away from each other.
Now we were young, so I don'tknow, maybe that had something
to do with it, but I mean, I sawhim in Peterborough when we
lived basically right next doorto each other, the same amount
of time that.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I see him now.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
So yeah, it's a.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
It's a funny dynamic, our family now people you know
people I work with and myfriends know them that I say
this a lot.
I said I say judgment is anunnecessary next step.
I always use the the idea thatI, if I want to have ice cream,
I want it with brownies in itand maybe a little caramel saucy
(25:19):
stuff there, and that's the wayI like it.
If somebody says, well, I'vegot some strawberry ice cream,
it's not my preference, and I'dsay, well, that's not my
preference, it's not somethingthat I enjoy.
But I don't say strawberry isbad, strawberry is yucky,
strawberry is a waste of time.
That's an unnecessary next step.
I can be just focused on mypreferences, my experience and
(25:42):
say this in my experience iswhat I prefer.
I don't need to judge and Ithink that you know.
Just telling this, these littlebrief stories of saying these
are our family structures,there's a lot of inherent,
there's a lot of impulse tojudge.
I think that families as a unit, within and without, when you
(26:07):
look at other families, when youlook at other family dynamics,
when you look at other familystructures, there's a tendency
to want to call one good and onebad, one better, one worse, and
it just isn't so right.
You grew up in your family,quite comfortable, quite content
, not out there yearning forthings to be different not
(26:30):
comparing your family to others,right that there's this natural
implication.
I hope, as people listen,they're looking at the ways that
their families aren't I don'tlike the word, but I'm going to
use it anyway traditional theway to look at families when
they're not in that standardizedformat that we grow up looking
(26:55):
at and reading about in booksand watching on TV and movies.
And really it's only been inthe last 30 years that things
like media have started toacknowledge that families can
come from a lot of places.
I mean, now we're obsessed withthe Kardashians, right and the
Kardashians that's a really neatblended family right that have
(27:18):
their own dynamics and thepeople coming in and people
going out, people being part ofthe family, people no longer
being part of the family.
So I guess for me, the firstthing that I want to point out
when we think of ourselves ashypnotists is that nothing has
any meaning except the meaningwe put on it, and the word
(27:41):
family means something differentto everybody yeah
although we we talk in similarterms, although we speak of
similar roles, we talk aboutmothers and fathers and
grandparents and siblings, wetalk about those kinds of things
.
The truth is is that we allgrow up in something that is
(28:05):
uniquely ours, called our family, and, although I suppose it's
not my place to tell you whetheror not to judge your family,
but don't judge the idea offamily and don't judge the
differences in families.
Family can mean a lot ofdifferent things to people, and
(28:31):
judgment is an unnecessary nextstep.
It's okay to say I would havepreferred if my family was more
of this and less of that.
That's a preference, but tojudge as right or wrong or good
or bad, I think, is anunnecessary next step.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
And just by our little examples.
I mean family can mean allkinds of things.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
But it's still so central to us all, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah, I do think so, even if it's, you know, not as
close-knit I.
You know my family is veryimportant to me.
But yeah, and I think there's acall, and whether or not people
(29:37):
answer this call, but for methere's a call to be more um
open with my family, talkingwith my family close to my
family, because I think that'simportant, I think that's
important, I think that'simportant.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
So I think that's on me, though, to do that to try to
do that.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
You know, I can't sit back and expect them to just
read my mind and reach out.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
There's a really neat aspect of family.
Right, we all have our placewithin our family.
We're all observing our familyfrom our own perspective, based
(30:38):
on our own experiences, who havefully and completely rejected
and detached themselves fromanything that we might typically
refer to as family, and peopleout there who have completely
created their own families basedon people that they have an
affinity to.
They've completely detachedthemselves from these otherwise
traditional units I don't likethe word, I'm gonna keep using
(30:59):
it because I think we understandit and they have then created
for themselves these deep, tightbonds that include loyalty,
that include commitment, thatinclude, you know, dimensions
(31:21):
and degrees of unconditionallove.
Mm-hmm, right, and that'sfamily.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Right, yeah, it doesn't have to be blood.
Yeah, there are dynamics andrelationships and emotions that
really define family.
If you had a list of emotions,what emotions define the idea of
family for you?
For me specifically yeaheverybody's gonna be thinking of
(31:55):
this question as they'relistening.
What are the emotions thatdefine?
Speaker 2 (31:58):
family for me, hmm, they're not all positive.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
Um God.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
I've never thought of that before.
Yeah, for me they're not sopositive.
Mine's more of a longing to becloser.
I think that's why I was soattracted to your family, right,
(32:39):
because everyone's really closeto the point of frustrations,
to the point of frustrations Tothe point of frustrations.
Yeah, yeah, I think there's high, high emotions when it comes to
(33:00):
my siblings, especially.
You know, my brother.
You know my brother who's theonly one you really lived with,
yeah, and I I've often thoughtabout that over the years, like
is that why I have such?
(33:21):
It's like I just want to keephim safe and coddle him.
And you know, like, um, I justwant him to be happy and and and
safe and and in, you know, findlove and be happy in life.
(33:41):
Um, so he, he's probably theone that can bring me to like
intense emotions, like sadnessand and uh, yeah, I'm going to
go down that road right nowbecause I'm going to be a mess,
but, um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Emotions Like there's tons of love, there's tons of
love, there's tons and tons ofadmiration and acceptance,
protectiveness, forgiveness,compassion, deep awareness of
(34:35):
connection, willingness forsacrifice, frustration at some
of its highest levels.
You know, I'll even go to thepoint of you know saying that
you really kind of normal, Ithink, for at some point or
another you know kids to hatetheir parents and and hate each
(34:57):
other and and that, that there'sthose kinds of emotions.
um, uh, you know very much.
Family shapes our identity,sometimes in relation to family
and sometimes in distinctcontrast to family.
(35:18):
We create identity who I am,what I am, what I think I am
what I think I want to be.
You know I think about, want tobe.
Yeah, you know I think aboutblame.
Holy smokes, the family is theplace where we learn blame.
It's not my fault.
She touched me.
Yeah, mom, you know.
(35:43):
And from the parents' point ofview, you know parents getting
really angry and you kids,you're making me angry, you're
making me frustrated.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
I think there's a whole other side to which is
very important, I think, to talkabout, and maybe it's its own
podcast, um podcast.
(36:16):
But like what you're saying interms of wanting to live up to
expectations and feeling like wewhat's the word, I always
forget it we always wanted, wealways want our parents to see
us as having like, lived up tothem, like aspiration as well.
(36:37):
Aspiration, sort of like kidsdoing not kids, but like, as you
grow up, doing what you thinkyour parents want you to do or
maybe honoring.
Yeah, um, you see it a lot withcareers.
(36:59):
So a parent will say, oh, youshould be this or that or the
other thing.
Um, don't be an artist becauseyou'll never make money, that
kind of thing, right, but youshould be this or that.
And I think the best thing Iheard years ago I don't know who
(37:20):
said it or where I heard it itwas like 20 years ago that I
heard it is one day your parentsaren't going to be there any
longer.
And then who are you?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yeah, I have a friend , somebody I really admire, and
he's got a saying he saysgrowing up is learning to
forgive your parents.
Maybe I'll get that quote fromthe five people you meet in
heaven.
We'll talk about that on thenext podcast.
Basically that it's to theeffect of parents wreck their
(38:00):
kids.
It's what they do.
Yeah, it always happens and yougot to deal with that.
Yeah, I think of the familyunit as the place where we
really really learn ideas ofcompassion and forgiveness and
loyalty.
It's where we learn honesty,for better or worse.
(38:25):
Easier challenged is where welearn ideas of honesty and all
of those things, all of thosevalues and all of those meanings
are shared, usually shared bythe people within the unit.
At the same time, there can bethose who reject some of those
(38:48):
things within the unit, mm-hmmyeah, I think it's definitely
worth a couple more podcastsyeah, I'll mention you know one
of themost.
One of the most widely usedsystems of therapy today is
(39:12):
cognitive behavioral therapy andfamily systems therapy.
I know people who have embracedit and are saying you know, who
I am has really been impactedby who my family is and how my
family worked.
Because everybody's familyworks in different ways.
(39:33):
Roles and responsibilities andI guess day-to-day practices are
very much defined by your placein the family.
I mean, we talk about the middlechild, we talk about the
youngest one, we talk about theoldest one, right, in my case,
(39:54):
you know, the conversation isalways about me being the only
male I'm the only boy of sixkids and that conversation goes
there and it has incredibleresentments and frustrations and
it has incredible envies andjealousies and it has incredible
sadness and a sense of dynamics.
(40:23):
I'm not sure how to say it andI'm not even talking about
myself yet.
It is the role that we getwithin our family.
The place we play, the personwho we are, is defined
relatively to the other membersof the family and we look at
(40:44):
patterns and we look at sort ofroles and responsibilities as
defining our expectations.
And that's family systemstherapy is to look at that, see
how you've been affected, to seewhy you behave the way you do
as hypnotists, we just look tothe experiences that shape it,
but absolutely when we'redealing with clients, we're
(41:07):
almost always regressing tosomething that happened within
the family.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:13):
A dynamic between members of the family.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Yeah, yeah, I think it was a good topic.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
Yeah how to resolve ourselves relative to our family
, how to understand ourselvesrelative to our family.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
How?
Speaker 1 (41:28):
to understand ourselves relative to our family
, and what does the concept offamily mean?
That's just the beginning.
Now we run out of time yeah,we're at 41 minutes, okay.
Well then we better stop butnow I'm gonna think about this
all day long.
Oh good, I hope we have lots totalk about tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (41:47):
Yes, Okay, see you later.
We hope you enjoyed today'spodcast and that maybe it helped
even a little.
If you have any questions, wewould love you to send them
along in an email to info atpsalmhypnosiscom.
Thank you for being part of theState of Mind community.
For more information abouthypnosis and the various online
(42:10):
or in-person services we provide, please visit our website,
wwwsomhypnosiscom.
The link will be in the notesbelow.
While you are there, why don'tyou book a free one-hour journey
, meeting with Hilary or Les, tolearn more about what hypnosis
is and how you might use it tomake your life what you want it
to be?
Bye for now.
(42:31):
Talk to you tomorrow.
Welcome and thank you for joining us for Coffee with
Hilary and Les.
Brought to you by the State ofMind Hypnosis and Training
Centre located in the heart ofthe Kawartha Lakes.
This is our almost dailycommunity podcast about the mind
and how we all might change itin the most simple and helpful
(00:30):
ways.
Every day we sit staring at thelake and sipping our coffee,
chatting about hypnosis and howto make those meaningful
adjustments to our state of mind, because nothing's more
important than your state ofmind, because nothing's more
important than your state ofmind.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
Okay, we're on the line.
Speaker 1 (00:52):
The sun is shining in my eyes, reflecting off the
water.
It's like there's two suns outthere shining on my face.
Speaker 2 (01:03):
Maybe it's the two moons.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
The two moons.
No, it's the two suns.
The intensity of the sun isreflective of the intensity of
our topic today.
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Yeah, and it's funny because I have good day sunshine
blasting in my head for somereason.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Because I've been humming it.
Oh, have you really?
I thought it was some spiritualthing.
Well, except it's not, nothinghas any meaning, except the
meaning you put on it.
So go ahead and say you know.
Speaker 2 (01:35):
I thought it was my great-grandpa.
It might have been I thought itwas you.
Speaker 1 (01:40):
Well, he might have put it in my head, I don't know.
Oh my God, I don't know, butit's a good day, sunshine, isn't
that funny?
Yeah, well, there we go.
Referring to family, that's ourtopic today.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:57):
We've been the last few days had lots of family
interaction on both sides, inall directions, of family
interaction on both sides, inall directions.
And as family is, it can bedeeply loving, safe and
(02:21):
nurturing and it could be thecrazy dynamics of individuals
all pulling in their owndirection yeah and so we thought
, okay, let's talk about family.
And now we're overwhelmed.
Speaker 2 (02:43):
Well, I have three little sentences on my paper and
you've got a university paperover there.
Speaker 1 (02:51):
I'm on to my second piece of paper.
Speaker 2 (02:53):
Good God, families are wild things.
Speaker 1 (02:58):
I mean, you use the word family and people listening
.
Some people are immediatelycringing.
Some people have a really hardtime with their family and even
to the point of, you know,animosity and and exclusion and,
um, complete rejection.
(03:21):
And some people it's the centerof their life.
There's nothing more importantthey.
They live their life in theirfamily, through their family,
about their family, completelyfor their family.
Um, and others actually livethat way, but it's a family
they've completely created.
(03:41):
That is not their family oforigin, not their birth family
or the family they were raisedin.
They've stepped away from thatand they've created a whole
community of people that theycall family, and they could be
miles and miles away from theiroriginal family.
Speaker 2 (04:06):
Like family doesn't have to be blood-related right.
Speaker 1 (04:09):
Well, that's just it.
How do you define family?
I mean, we use the word familyand we immediately react to it,
depending on what our pastexperience is.
But we can define it really anyway we want, although there are
a lot of really strong forcesout there trying to tell us what
(04:29):
family is, what family shouldbe yeah and how to operate as a
family.
So family is just this hugelyloaded concept yeah, it really
is that, um that, yeah, I thinkthat for most people it is of
(04:54):
their own definition yeah, yeahand I I think, coming up to
Thanksgiving, everyone'sstarting to feel the family.
Yeah, that makes it a goodtopic right.
Thing two right.
Some people are thinkingThanksgiving oh my God, that's
going to be so much fun.
And other people are thinkingThanksgiving.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
oh, my God, do I have to go home?
Do I have to go home?
Yeah, oh, do I have to like flyhome?
Do I have?
Speaker 1 (05:22):
to be there?
Do I have to put up with thesepeople?
Do I have to actually be in thesame room as them?
Do I have to listen to oldUncle Bill?
Whoever that might be,everybody's got one.
Sorry, uncle Bill, I had abunch of Uncle Bills, believe it
or not.
Yeah, I had like three.
Speaker 2 (05:39):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Yeah, that's what happens when you come from a big
family.
Big family, small family,family that's assembled family
of choice versus family of birth.
Yeah, what a broad concept andsuch a core concept at the same
time.
Right, a core concept to oursociety, because our society is
(06:01):
built on families.
Our government governs us onthe basis of us operating as
families.
It taxes us on the basis of usoperating as families.
Right, when you think aboutgovernment services that they
provide, your familialconnections are absolutely
essential in to determine what,if any, government services you
(06:23):
get.
We have this society thatappears, when you break it down,
to be built on family units.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
All of that has got to really take a toll on
people's emotions, positive andnegative.
And people who have bigfamilies that are well-connected
and interactive, people whohave small families.
Some people have no real family, and family creates a story
(07:04):
right, the story that we tellourselves about our lives yeah,
that's why I said this isprobably going to turn out to be
a trilogy.
I mean, there's so much to talkabout when it comes to family
and the impact we have.
Right, yeah, and it's shapingof us as a human being, because
(07:28):
there's aspects of our familythat we just adopt.
We don't have a choice, it justseems to be part of who we are.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
Well, yeah, and I think you're right there.
Right like, when I think offamilies, I immediately think
about the stuff we pull forwardfrom our families, belief
systems, routines.
You know, what I'm brought backto is a story that I heard on
(08:00):
the weekend where someone wouldcut a roast in half and and put
it in the oven, like so you know, her granddaughter would do the
(08:24):
same thing and then found outafterwards that the grandma only
cut the roast and put it in theoven because not because it
cooked better or something likethat, but it wouldn't fit in the
tray.
So they pick up all kinds ofthings and we just do it because
(08:48):
great-grandma did it, and wedon't even know why we're doing
it.
Sometimes that's a metaphor forlimiting beliefs.
You know, we think this waybecause grandma thought this way
and great grandma thought thisway, and it's like a bad recipe
that just gets handed down well,it is this way that we we pick
(09:11):
up um methods of living.
Speaker 1 (09:16):
I guess, for lack of a more clear phrase, I mean our
habits, the behaviors we exhibitover and over and over, the
behaviors we engage in over andover and over, which we take on
because we think they serve us,they help us.
So many of them just come fromthe observation of our family
(09:41):
members.
It's such an important unitBecause it really starts with
people who are connected that'sthe right way to say it from
(10:02):
infancy, from the beginning.
Sometimes I think it's reallyvaluable just to examine
something, without trying to fixit, without trying to
understand it, just try toobserve it and just see all the
dynamics within it.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Yeah, I think that's definitely what's happening here
with this topic is.
You just have to look at it andthere's no way to fix it,
there's just ways of maybeanalyzing it and seeing, well,
oh well, maybe like I don't needto feel this way because
grandma did, or I don't need todo that thing because grandma
did, if it's something you don'twant to do or it's detrimental
(10:44):
or something like that.
Speaker 1 (10:45):
Well, along comes that word traditions.
Right, traditions.
There's a deadly word, there'sa word that some people love and
embrace and think.
You know they value traditionsvery, very much and you know
we've talked about that whenwe've talked about Christmas,
when we've talked about some ofthese bigger topics.
(11:08):
You know that we're seeking torelive ecstatic moments.
To relive ecstatic moments andwe find traditions help us to go
back to those beautifulexperiences and re-experience
them almost almost an attempt toreplicate or relive a moment of
(11:34):
joy.
Yeah, and we think of traditions, that we also think of
tradition sometimes as traps andand and you know, deep, dark
caves that you're trapped inthat you can't get out of.
They serve no purpose, theydon't seem to serve you, who you
are, they don't seem to helpyour life any and you just want
(11:55):
to break away from them becausethey, you don't relate to them,
you don't seem to help your lifeany and you just want to break
away from them.
Um, because they, you don'trelate to them, you don't have
that incredible positiveexperience from them.
Speaker 2 (12:07):
Um, you often do things traditionally, in spite
of how they make you feel yeah,usually I think it's kind of
like the first time, maybe youdo a tradition.
It's that excited feeling, thatfeeling like you're.
Maybe it's somebody who decidesto do Thanksgiving for the
(12:28):
family.
Right, they're making stuff forpeople, people are enjoying the
food, and then suddenly you'redoing it every year and then
it's not as exciting as beforeand now it feels like a burden
(12:49):
or something.
You know, I don't know.
I think that is something thatcomes up with people too.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
Mm-hmm, do you mind talking about your family, not
about the people, but about thestructure of your family?
I find your family to befascinating in terms of its
structure, right?
Especially when I contrast itwith my own background, right?
You know I come from a.
I'll talk about the structureof my family and then you can
(13:21):
contrast it with yours.
Yeah, I come from two, twocultures, but very much similar
cultures.
They're just sort of, I suppose, religiously and and um, yeah,
(13:42):
family tradition basis verydifferent.
My mother is irish catholic, wasirish catholic big family, 13
kids.
Only nine survived past the ageof 14.
That was quite common in thosedays.
My dad comes from a family oftwo kids and he was the second
and he was told that he he was amistake because you should only
(14:05):
ever have one kid and that'ssort of the, the place that that
he comes from.
And then together they createda family of six kids, created a
family of six kids, and theyapproached it from a very
traditional point of view.
(14:25):
My mother, family was probablyher highest value.
Family was to always be caredfor.
They were, they formed thecentral basis of your life.
Although my mother had friends,she certainly spent much more
time with certain siblings thanshe did with her friends and
(14:48):
that my mother's decision-makingwas always around what's best
for the family and I think myfather took that on.
They stayed together rightuntil my mother passed away.
My father never remarried.
They had, I guess, 20-oddgrandchildren.
(15:11):
You know my dad's into thegreat-grandchildren phase, he's
got half a dozen of thosechildren phase.
It's got half a dozen of those.
So this this to me representskind of a what's the right word
I'm going to use the wordmythical mythical view of family
, this idea that there's thisreally tight group that really
(15:32):
take care of each other, thatthey get big and as a result
they they have a loyalty and aconnection right, they come to
the table in a really, reallykind of normalized way.
I'm trying to be reallynonjudgmental about how I'm
(15:52):
describing this, because I'mvery aware of how different
families can be, because in thatnext generation myself and my
sisters there's a few divorcesand there was a couple of
blended families and that sortof was a very interesting
dynamic that we didn't have alot of awareness of and managed
(16:17):
that to, you know, varyingdegrees of success, some ways
well some ways not very well.
Yeah, so there's like, there'slike a description of a family
unit.
You know, I had a buddy and hewas one of two kids in a family
(16:43):
of two older, an older couplebecause they couldn't have kids
and they adopted, and he and hisbrother were adopted from two
different families.
They weren't connected by blood, so that essentially he grew up
in a family unit, aware that hewas not the offspring of his
(17:04):
parents, that his brother wasnot the offspring of his parents
, that he and his brother werenot biologically connected, and
so much more about choice thanthan tradition.
Right, you know, I have a, uh,my daughter, my stepdaughter.
(17:27):
I look at her life and I thinkit's wild.
She has, um, six brothers.
She has a brother through herfather, she has a brother
through her mother and I and shehas a brother just a brother
(17:50):
between her parents.
So her, she has one brotherthat people would call a full
brother.
She has two brothers thatpeople would call half brothers
from.
She has two brothers thatpeople would call half brothers
from different families, andthen she has three step brothers
and I think, wow, like, likethat's, that's wild, that's
definitely family, a lot offamily by choice right, you
(18:13):
gotta open your your mind to theidea that you know your parents
can have children outside theiroriginal unit and things like
that Like this is to me it'slike whoa, these are different
kinds of families, very muchfamily, very different in their
dynamics, very different maybein their view of things, but
(18:34):
really, really, um, definitelyfamilies, but definitely, uh,
diverse.
Do you mind talking about your?
Speaker 2 (18:48):
yeah, yeah, yeah.
So my family, in comparison youknow if we're drawing
comparisons in comparison toyours it's relatively small.
I think of yours as a full lushtree and mine is kind of twiggy
.
(19:10):
It's got a few branches.
So, yeah, I mean, my stepdad isultimately my dad, uh, cause
he's been there since I canremember, um, and my brother is
(19:35):
my brother because he grew up inmy.
He grew up with my mom and I,um, same mom, um, but at the
bloodline it's different dads.
And then I've got an oldersister who we don't know, but,
(19:58):
uh, um, I only met her in when Iwas 21.
Um, and then I have a youngersister who we don't share any
blood whatsoever, um, but wehave the same stepdad, her dad.
(20:26):
So, yeah, it's kind of all overthe place, and I do.
Part of me wishes that we wereall closer, but, god, we could
go months without talking toeach other.
A little text here and there,and I'm not a fan of that, but
(20:47):
it is what it is right, um.
And then my mom's side is mymom and my nana and my
great-grandma.
That passed a couple years agoand that's it.
(21:09):
That's pretty much it.
And I've got, you know, anuncle, an aunt, on my mom's side
, a great uncle, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:25):
Talk about your mom, so it's not just your generation
.
Go back a generation and yourmom's parents.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Yeah, so her parents are my nana and her uh, her
biological dad.
They were very young when theyhad her.
They ended up splitting up whenmy mom was quite young I don't
want to guess an age, butbetween four and six, I think
and and then my grandpa, john umhe, he's passed, but he came
(22:05):
into the scene and and marriedmy Nana um and adopted my mom.
That's where my last name comesfrom, so so your last name is
not even blood.
Speaker 1 (22:21):
There's no blood connection whatsoever.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
No blood connection.
No, but I'm attached to itbecause it's you know, I'm the
only Hillary Leigh in the world.
Now you see it.
Now you see it.
But yeah, it's a funny familydynamic.
Speaker 1 (22:48):
We're not always Well , and talk about your dad.
Speaker 2 (22:50):
Oh yeah, so my dad, my stepdad, who's ultimately my
dad?
Just so people don't get mixedup between biological and not so
my stepdad, he is one of threeadopted children, so my
grandparents were not even blood.
Yeah, it's nobody's bloodrelated.
(23:12):
We don't know where he camefrom but he's gone and found his
biological mom, and so has youraunt.
And so has my aunt.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Right.
Speaker 2 (23:23):
Yeah, Like.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
I don't, I don't know , and you have grandparents.
Speaker 2 (23:30):
Yeah.
That you um my Grammy andGrammy, yeah, yeah, and see them
, grappia, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:37):
And see them once a year.
Speaker 2 (23:39):
Yeah, that's my mom's biological father.
Speaker 1 (23:44):
And your biological dad's family.
Speaker 2 (23:48):
Oh yeah, so I see them once a year when I go out
to Newfoundland, but they don'thave contact with my dad, or
maybe they do and they're notsaying, I don't know, we won't
go there.
But yeah, all in all is verylimited contact with everybody,
(24:11):
right, very, very limitedcontact, which, when I saw your
family, it was quite a starkdifference, right.
And and I don't know if thelimited contact is is because of
distance.
You know, my brother and Ilived in Peterborough like
(24:41):
houses away from each other.
Now we were young, so I don'tknow, maybe that had something
to do with it, but I mean, I sawhim in Peterborough when we
lived basically right next doorto each other, the same amount
of time that.
Speaker 1 (24:50):
I see him now.
Speaker 2 (24:51):
So yeah, it's a.
Speaker 1 (24:56):
It's a funny dynamic, our family now people you know
people I work with and myfriends know them that I say
this a lot.
I said I say judgment is anunnecessary next step.
I always use the the idea thatI, if I want to have ice cream,
I want it with brownies in itand maybe a little caramel saucy
(25:19):
stuff there, and that's the wayI like it.
If somebody says, well, I'vegot some strawberry ice cream,
it's not my preference, and I'dsay, well, that's not my
preference, it's not somethingthat I enjoy.
But I don't say strawberry isbad, strawberry is yucky,
strawberry is a waste of time.
That's an unnecessary next step.
I can be just focused on mypreferences, my experience and
(25:42):
say this in my experience iswhat I prefer.
I don't need to judge and Ithink that you know.
Just telling this, these littlebrief stories of saying these
are our family structures,there's a lot of inherent,
there's a lot of impulse tojudge.
I think that families as a unit, within and without, when you
(26:07):
look at other families, when youlook at other family dynamics,
when you look at other familystructures, there's a tendency
to want to call one good and onebad, one better, one worse, and
it just isn't so right.
You grew up in your family,quite comfortable, quite content
, not out there yearning forthings to be different not
(26:30):
comparing your family to others,right that there's this natural
implication.
I hope, as people listen,they're looking at the ways that
their families aren't I don'tlike the word, but I'm going to
use it anyway traditional theway to look at families when
they're not in that standardizedformat that we grow up looking
(26:55):
at and reading about in booksand watching on TV and movies.
And really it's only been inthe last 30 years that things
like media have started toacknowledge that families can
come from a lot of places.
I mean, now we're obsessed withthe Kardashians, right and the
Kardashians that's a really neatblended family right that have
(27:18):
their own dynamics and thepeople coming in and people
going out, people being part ofthe family, people no longer
being part of the family.
So I guess for me, the firstthing that I want to point out
when we think of ourselves ashypnotists is that nothing has
any meaning except the meaningwe put on it, and the word
(27:41):
family means something differentto everybody yeah
although we we talk in similarterms, although we speak of
similar roles, we talk aboutmothers and fathers and
grandparents and siblings, wetalk about those kinds of things
.
The truth is is that we allgrow up in something that is
(28:05):
uniquely ours, called our family, and, although I suppose it's
not my place to tell you whetheror not to judge your family,
but don't judge the idea offamily and don't judge the
differences in families.
Family can mean a lot ofdifferent things to people, and
(28:31):
judgment is an unnecessary nextstep.
It's okay to say I would havepreferred if my family was more
of this and less of that.
That's a preference, but tojudge as right or wrong or good
or bad, I think, is anunnecessary next step.
Speaker 2 (28:47):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:49):
And just by our little examples.
I mean family can mean allkinds of things.
Speaker 2 (28:57):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:01):
But it's still so central to us all, isn't it?
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah, I do think so, even if it's, you know, not as
close-knit I.
You know my family is veryimportant to me.
But yeah, and I think there's acall, and whether or not people
(29:37):
answer this call, but for methere's a call to be more um
open with my family, talkingwith my family close to my
family, because I think that'simportant, I think that's
important, I think that'simportant.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
So I think that's on me, though, to do that to try to
do that.
Speaker 2 (30:11):
You know, I can't sit back and expect them to just
read my mind and reach out.
Speaker 1 (30:17):
There's a really neat aspect of family.
Right, we all have our placewithin our family.
We're all observing our familyfrom our own perspective, based
(30:38):
on our own experiences, who havefully and completely rejected
and detached themselves fromanything that we might typically
refer to as family, and peopleout there who have completely
created their own families basedon people that they have an
affinity to.
They've completely detachedthemselves from these otherwise
traditional units I don't likethe word, I'm gonna keep using
(30:59):
it because I think we understandit and they have then created
for themselves these deep, tightbonds that include loyalty,
that include commitment, thatinclude, you know, dimensions
(31:21):
and degrees of unconditionallove.
Mm-hmm, right, and that'sfamily.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:32):
Right, yeah, it doesn't have to be blood.
Yeah, there are dynamics andrelationships and emotions that
really define family.
If you had a list of emotions,what emotions define the idea of
family for you?
For me specifically yeaheverybody's gonna be thinking of
(31:55):
this question as they'relistening.
What are the emotions thatdefine?
Speaker 2 (31:58):
family for me, hmm, they're not all positive.
Speaker 1 (32:05):
Um God.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
I've never thought of that before.
Yeah, for me they're not sopositive.
Mine's more of a longing to becloser.
I think that's why I was soattracted to your family, right,
(32:39):
because everyone's really closeto the point of frustrations,
to the point of frustrations Tothe point of frustrations.
Yeah, yeah, I think there's high, high emotions when it comes to
(33:00):
my siblings, especially.
You know, my brother.
You know my brother who's theonly one you really lived with,
yeah, and I I've often thoughtabout that over the years, like
is that why I have such?
(33:21):
It's like I just want to keephim safe and coddle him.
And you know, like, um, I justwant him to be happy and and and
safe and and in, you know, findlove and be happy in life.
(33:41):
Um, so he, he's probably theone that can bring me to like
intense emotions, like sadnessand and uh, yeah, I'm going to
go down that road right nowbecause I'm going to be a mess,
but, um, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (34:02):
Emotions Like there's tons of love, there's tons of
love, there's tons and tons ofadmiration and acceptance,
protectiveness, forgiveness,compassion, deep awareness of
(34:35):
connection, willingness forsacrifice, frustration at some
of its highest levels.
You know, I'll even go to thepoint of you know saying that
you really kind of normal, Ithink, for at some point or
another you know kids to hatetheir parents and and hate each
(34:57):
other and and that, that there'sthose kinds of emotions.
um, uh, you know very much.
Family shapes our identity,sometimes in relation to family
and sometimes in distinctcontrast to family.
(35:18):
We create identity who I am,what I am, what I think I am
what I think I want to be.
You know I think about, want tobe.
Yeah, you know I think aboutblame.
Holy smokes, the family is theplace where we learn blame.
It's not my fault.
She touched me.
Yeah, mom, you know.
(35:43):
And from the parents' point ofview, you know parents getting
really angry and you kids,you're making me angry, you're
making me frustrated.
Speaker 2 (35:55):
I think there's a whole other side to which is
very important, I think, to talkabout, and maybe it's its own
podcast, um podcast.
(36:16):
But like what you're saying interms of wanting to live up to
expectations and feeling like wewhat's the word, I always
forget it we always wanted, wealways want our parents to see
us as having like, lived up tothem, like aspiration as well.
(36:37):
Aspiration, sort of like kidsdoing not kids, but like, as you
grow up, doing what you thinkyour parents want you to do or
maybe honoring.
Yeah, um, you see it a lot withcareers.
(36:59):
So a parent will say, oh, youshould be this or that or the
other thing.
Um, don't be an artist becauseyou'll never make money, that
kind of thing, right, but youshould be this or that.
And I think the best thing Iheard years ago I don't know who
(37:20):
said it or where I heard it itwas like 20 years ago that I
heard it is one day your parentsaren't going to be there any
longer.
And then who are you?
Speaker 1 (37:37):
Yeah, I have a friend , somebody I really admire, and
he's got a saying he saysgrowing up is learning to
forgive your parents.
Maybe I'll get that quote fromthe five people you meet in
heaven.
We'll talk about that on thenext podcast.
Basically that it's to theeffect of parents wreck their
(38:00):
kids.
It's what they do.
Yeah, it always happens and yougot to deal with that.
Yeah, I think of the familyunit as the place where we
really really learn ideas ofcompassion and forgiveness and
loyalty.
It's where we learn honesty,for better or worse.
(38:25):
Easier challenged is where welearn ideas of honesty and all
of those things, all of thosevalues and all of those meanings
are shared, usually shared bythe people within the unit.
At the same time, there can bethose who reject some of those
(38:48):
things within the unit, mm-hmmyeah, I think it's definitely
worth a couple more podcastsyeah, I'll mention you know one
of themost.
One of the most widely usedsystems of therapy today is
(39:12):
cognitive behavioral therapy andfamily systems therapy.
I know people who have embracedit and are saying you know, who
I am has really been impactedby who my family is and how my
family worked.
Because everybody's familyworks in different ways.
(39:33):
Roles and responsibilities andI guess day-to-day practices are
very much defined by your placein the family.
I mean, we talk about the middlechild, we talk about the
youngest one, we talk about theoldest one, right, in my case,
(39:54):
you know, the conversation isalways about me being the only
male I'm the only boy of sixkids and that conversation goes
there and it has incredibleresentments and frustrations and
it has incredible envies andjealousies and it has incredible
sadness and a sense of dynamics.
(40:23):
I'm not sure how to say it andI'm not even talking about
myself yet.
It is the role that we getwithin our family.
The place we play, the personwho we are, is defined
relatively to the other membersof the family and we look at
(40:44):
patterns and we look at sort ofroles and responsibilities as
defining our expectations.
And that's family systemstherapy is to look at that, see
how you've been affected, to seewhy you behave the way you do
as hypnotists, we just look tothe experiences that shape it,
but absolutely when we'redealing with clients, we're
(41:07):
almost always regressing tosomething that happened within
the family.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:13):
A dynamic between members of the family.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Yeah, yeah, I think it was a good topic.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
Yeah how to resolve ourselves relative to our family
, how to understand ourselvesrelative to our family.
Speaker 2 (41:28):
How?
Speaker 1 (41:28):
to understand ourselves relative to our family
, and what does the concept offamily mean?
That's just the beginning.
Now we run out of time yeah,we're at 41 minutes, okay.
Well then we better stop butnow I'm gonna think about this
all day long.
Oh good, I hope we have lots totalk about tomorrow.
Speaker 2 (41:47):
Yes, Okay, see you later.
We hope you enjoyed today'spodcast and that maybe it helped
even a little.
If you have any questions, wewould love you to send them
along in an email to info atpsalmhypnosiscom.
Thank you for being part of theState of Mind community.
For more information abouthypnosis and the various online
(42:10):
or in-person services we provide, please visit our website,
wwwsomhypnosiscom.
The link will be in the notesbelow.
While you are there, why don'tyou book a free one-hour journey
, meeting with Hilary or Les, tolearn more about what hypnosis
is and how you might use it tomake your life what you want it
to be?
Bye for now.
(42:31):
Talk to you tomorrow.
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