This subject is so important we decided to share it again. In this final part of our summer college preparation series, Lynn and Vicki discuss how to support your student on Move-In Day and throughout their first six weeks on campus. Parents and students who are prepared for the emotional peaks and valleys of transitioning into the world of college, are better able to feel in control of their experiences. In this episode we offer suggestions for how to support your student on this exciting new journey.
Thank you for listening!
- Much more information for college parents can be found on our website, College Parent Central
- Find us on Twitter at @CollParCentral
- Sign up for our newsletter for ongoing information
- Please leave us a review at “Love the Podcast” to help others find us.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Announcer (00:10):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already in college, this podcast is for you.
You'll find food for thoughtand information about college
and about navigating thatdelicate balance of guidance,
involvement and knowing when toget out of the way.
(00:31):
Join your hosts, vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration ofthe amazing child in college.
Lynn Abrahams (00:48):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
This is the place where we talkabout all things that have to
do with parenting our studentsas they prepare for and
transition to and live throughtheir college experience.
So I am, my name is LynnAbrahams, and I'm here with my
(01:10):
friend and colleague, vickiNelson.
We are both college professors,but we are also parents of
college students.
My role in college, in my work,has been working with students
who have learning differences.
I've spent many years workingin a small liberal arts college
(01:34):
working with students, but Ialso have two sons who have gone
in and out of college, and so Ithink I bring more experience
having to do with parenting thanI do as a professional in
higher ed to this podcast, andI'm here with my friend, vicki
(01:55):
and I am Vicki Nelson.
Vicki Nelson (01:57):
I am also a college professor and also a
parent.
So Lynn has boys, I have girlsand they've all headed off to
college.
So, yes, I think we both shareour dual role.
I'm a professor ofcommunication and I have served
as director of academic advising, so I've worked with a lot of
(02:19):
students in a lot of differentroles and different situations,
and we have more years ofexperience together than we want
to admit Want to admit, notadmitting.
And we've seen a lot of studentswho have succeeded and those
who've struggled and lots ofdifferent situations.
(02:41):
So it's interesting to us totalk about that and then also
the role of parents in all ofthis.
We started working together,doing some workshops and then
finally, to the podcast, whenour kids went off to college and
we realized that, even thoughwe work in higher ed, it was
(03:04):
overwhelming and there was somuch to think about from a
different perspective.
So we have, in our last twoepisodes, talked about getting
ready and preparing for college,thinking about some of the
conversations to have with yourstudent, thinking about the
decisions that need to be madeover the summer.
(03:24):
It's a very busy summer.
You might want to go back andlisten to those, and this time
we want to move on toward thetransition.
Lynn Abrahams (03:34):
And we'd like to focus on really the first six
weeks, I would say, of thecollege experience, both getting
to that transition point whenthey leave and living through
the first six weeks.
The first thing we wanted totalk about is moving day.
That is quite an emotional canbe crazy day.
(04:01):
I know I have two sons and itwas totally different for each
one of my two sons theexperience of moving day.
The first thing we want to sayis you want to read all the
information that comes to yourson or daughter about move-in
day, so that information, firstof all, is not going to come to
(04:23):
you, it's going to come to yourkids.
You want to find out what thesystem is going to be like.
Colleges and universities havebeen doing this for years and
years and they know what they'redoing.
So if they tell you to come atnine o'clock in the morning, it
probably makes sense to comeright at nine o'clock in the
morning.
(04:43):
It's.
I would listen to all thedirections that they give you.
And if they.
Vicki Nelson (04:51):
I'm going to jump in a little bit.
You're talking about the time.
You know, if they say come atnine, and you say, well, you
know, I think I'm the kind ofperson who always likes to be
early, maybe we'll get there ateight, chances are you will sit
in your car in a long line ateight o'clock because they said
nine o'clock, because that'swhen they want you and they
(05:12):
often do it in rolling times.
So you might be told nineo'clock or you might be told 10
o'clock, and if you get there atnine o'clock for your 10
o'clock time, you're probablygoing to sit in your car.
So that timing really does makea difference.
Lynn Abrahams (05:45):
It does, and I know at our college.
What happens is you drive up tobe the preparing for move-in
day, which is packing andorganizing stuff, and that can
be really challenging as well.
I know that with my kids, bothof them packed the night before.
They did not pack earlier.
(06:06):
Of course I have two sons.
I don't know if that hasanything to do with it?
Vicki Nelson (06:09):
Oh no, daughters, it didn't matter.
Same thing Two in the morningthe night before.
Lynn Abrahams (06:15):
The night before, and so if your kids do that,
remember that that's prettycommon.
I do think that once they startputting things in boxes or in
garbage bags, then it becomesreally real that they're leaving
.
So they put it off usually aslong as they can, but it will
(06:35):
happen and eventually thingswill get packed.
You want to think about thingslike gathering up all the
important paperwork and puttingthat in one place.
You know there are going to beforms that need to be handed in.
You want to separate that.
Vicki Nelson (06:54):
You want to remember I would put those
somewhere easily accessible, youknow, not put them all together
in a suitcase somewhere, butbecause very often students need
those forms to check in beforethey can get to their dorm.
Yep, so yeah.
Lynn Abrahams (07:12):
And also remember that you don't have to bring
everything.
Usually you can buy things whenyou get there, or know what you
need and then buy things whenyou get there.
So it is a crazy day and youwant to think about having
patience with yourself, withyour kids.
(07:35):
It's a crazy day.
Vicki Nelson (07:38):
Lots and lots of patience.
And I would add one more thingin terms of the preparation
before the day, and that is, ifyou're traveling a long distance
, you might want to do thetraveling the day before and
stay over in a hotel orsomething, somewhere I know with
one of our daughters.
It was a pretty long trip andin order to check in at 10
(08:04):
o'clock or 11 o'clock in themorning, we would have had to
leave practically in the middleof the night.
So leaving the day before anddoing the traveling and then
being able to have a night andjust get up in the morning and
have breakfast and head out, wasreally nice.
So think about that and headout was really nice.
So thinking about that.
But if you are thinking aboutdoing that, make that
(08:26):
reservation early, because youmay not be the only person who
has that idea in mind.
And that's especially true ifit's a large university and
there are a lot of freshmenmoving in.
So thinking about that.
So all that preparation isimportant.
And then we get to the day, andit is a big day and it is an
exciting day and it is anemotional important.
And then we get to the day, andit is a big day and it is an
exciting day and it is anemotional day for everyone, and
(08:51):
so you are going to arrive atthe time they tell you to and
remember that the college knowswhat they're doing and that your
students should be in charge onthat day.
As crazy as it is, this istheir day so and they are very
emotional and different studentsrespond to emotions in
(09:15):
different ways and I think weran the gamut with our daughters
you know of.
I get all teary and emotionalor I get very snippy and short
with everyone and I needed tokeep reminding myself.
You know, this is just.
This is the stress of the day.
(09:35):
Not to take it personally,especially if I'm feeling the
emotions of leaving my child andthen my student is snipping at
me about everything my child andthen my student is snipping at
me about everything.
It's sort of hard and that'swhere all of that patience that
you were talking about it reallymatters a lot.
So, remembering that they're incharge, if there are questions
(09:56):
that need to be asked, perhapsof a resident assistant, or
where do we go, or how do wefind, or what do we do have your
student ask those questions,because this is their first
opportunity to make connectionswith those sorts of people and
not your job to do those things.
If necessary, take a break andjust I think I'm just going to
(10:22):
go for a walk for a few minutesand explore the campus if
emotions start to run high, andthat gives everybody a little
break from everyone.
Think a little bit and encourageyour student to think a little
bit about roommate situations.
Sometimes roommates arrive atthe same time and that's nice
(10:42):
because then it's all moving intogether, but they may even if
the college is staggering times.
Roommates may arrive atdifferent times.
So if your student is the firstto arrive, they might want to
think about whether they can orwant to wait before they settle
in too much in the room untilthe roommate arrives and decide
(11:05):
together who's going to havewhat bed or how we're going to
arrange the furniture, ratherthan you know that tendency that
I got here first, so I'm goingto pick the best bed and all of
that.
And is that really the way youwant to start off your roommate
relationship?
Students worry a lot aboutroommates and there's lots to
think about.
We actually have an earlierepisode all about roommates,
(11:28):
everything you want to know.
I think that's episode 21.
So you might want to go backand listen to that for some
suggestions about that, but it'sworth thinking about how that
relationship is going to startout.
And then, the last thing I thinkthat I would say, and this is
probably the hardest from theparent perspective, and that is
when it's time to leave, it'stime to leave, and often,
(11:53):
sometimes, the college doesn't,you know, doesn't care when you
leave, and sometimes there's adesignated time.
Okay, parents, it's time foryou to go.
All the students need to now gooff to this event or something,
and there's a tendency to wantto linger or say well, maybe
we'll take our student out todinner tonight or one last time,
(12:14):
but at that point your studenthas a really important job and
that's to settle into their newhome, to get to know the people
they're going to be living with.
Perhaps there's a meetingscheduled on the floor for
everyone.
It's not going to be any easierto leave a half an hour later
or an hour later, and so whenit's time to go, it's time for
(12:37):
that.
You know that.
Great big hug and then go.
Lynn Abrahams (12:42):
I, you know, I am remembering both of my kids
going going that day, going tocollege, and they were really
different.
So, my first son told me whenit was time to go.
He was like, mom, I'm okay, youcan go now, you can go, now you
can go.
And I actually left a littleearlier because he, he, I think
(13:03):
it was frankly, easier for himif I wasn't there Um, and then
my, my second son, you know, Istayed right to the last last
very last moment, um, so it's,it's different for every every
kid, um, and?
and the other thing I want tosay is that, before I left,
(13:26):
there were certain things I hadto do.
I think you and I, vicki, havetalked about this before.
We both felt the need to maketheir beds.
I don't know why I felt betterleaving if the bed was made,
because at least I knew theywere going to you know, go to
bed in a made bed and I didn'tknow what was going to happen
(13:50):
after that first night.
Vicki Nelson (13:50):
Oh no, this is probably the last time it got
made for the rest of thesemester.
Lynn Abrahams (13:53):
But it was important to me.
Vicki Nelson (13:54):
Yeah, and I did that with three daughters.
We did a lot of move-in days,because you often don't just do
move-in day on freshman year,you do subsequent years.
And so by the time we got to mythird daughter and we got all
of her stuff carried up to herdorm room and the first thing
(14:14):
she did was say, that bag overthere, mom, that's the bed stuff
.
If you want to just get thatdone now, that bag over there,
mom, that's the bed stuff.
If you want to just get thatdone now, you can do that.
So, yeah, and let them figureout how to arrange their room
with their roommate.
You don't need to do that.
And yeah, it's.
And it feels funny if they kindof dismiss you Okay, mom, it's
time to go, but recognizing thatthat's the way they need to
(14:37):
handle it right now and all ofthat.
So they're moved in.
And then there are some you knowyou hopefully have talked
earlier about how you're goingto be in touch and how much
you're going to be in touch andall of that communication and
they're ready to start their newlife and I think one of the
things that is helpful to remindthem as they're transitioning
(15:00):
in is that they now have a cleanslate.
They're really starting fromground zero as they build their
life at college.
They don't have a reputation.
People don't know them, and inhigh school by the time they're
seniors in high school they'vebeen at least four years in high
(15:21):
school together with everybodyelse, and some have been
together since elementary school, so they know each other.
They fall back on ways of beingtogether.
You might have a good reputationor a bad reputation.
You might be known as the onewho is not a good student, or
the one who's always in troubleor whatever, or you might be
(15:43):
known as the head of the class.
But when they're starting it'sa clean slate.
And so, reminding them that inthese first few weeks as they
transition into college, theyneed to think about who they
want to be and who they want tobe known as, and that is such a
welcome thing to so manystudents I can reinvent myself.
(16:06):
But it's also a very scarything, and I think it's
especially scary to thosestudents who have had a
wonderful reputation and nowthey can't fall back on that and
they have to start all overcreating themselves.
So I think that's a goodconversation to have early on.
Lynn Abrahams (16:27):
And I think that once they arrive they may be
thinking that it's going to justget better and better and
better, or there's going to bethis clear progression.
And yet I think it's helpful tothink about moving to college a
(16:48):
little bit like moving toanother country, and there's so
much to learn.
There's sort of a culture shockwhen you get there because
there's so much to learn and Ithink that sometimes we expect
(17:09):
things to just move in a line,sort of from difficult to better
, but there's this sort of upand down thing that happens.
There's this W sort of up anddown and up and down kind of
progression.
I think that often the beginningis the honeymoon.
At the very beginning,everybody's new it's fun, food
(17:45):
trucks and their activities allset up for the first year
especially, and all kinds ofthat.
It's fun and it starts offpretty cool.
And then that period can last ashort period.
It could be a day or two, or itcould be the first month of
school, could be the honeymoon.
But then at some point there'sgoing to be some reality hitting
.
Some things may go wrong, theremight be some surprises, there
(18:10):
might be some feeling of notfeeling like they have friends
yet, or the food may be awful orthey might have a lot of rainy
days.
You know, in the brochures,when you look at college, it's
always sunny and it always hashappy students and you don't
(18:31):
really see some of the realitiesthat the students are going to
bump into.
Vicki Nelson (18:36):
So that might be the first dip, yeah, and I think
when that happens to them andthey have spent a lot of time
looking at the brochures and thewebsite and all of that and
they feel as though I don't fithere now because I'm not feeling
like all of those studentswhose pictures I saw, or all of
those pictures from my friendsbeing posted on Facebook and
(19:00):
Instagram and whatever, whichare all their best moments.
So it really can be a shockerwhen oh, wait a minute, and my
work and my courses seems reallyreally hard, all of those
things.
Lynn Abrahams (19:18):
Yeah that's the dip, and it's not bad during the
summer to have someconversations about this normal
progression that there will bedips, there will be ups and
downs.
Vicki Nelson (19:30):
Students who understand that and are prepared
for this can get through it.
I think a little better Right.
Lynn Abrahams (19:38):
And I think the dipping still continues, because
once they bump into problemsand figure out that there are
resources, figure out that theycan, you know, solve some of the
problems, there might be alater dip after that where, all
of a sudden, but that sense ofsolving the problems and feeling
(19:58):
like I've adjusted, that'sanother high, that sense of
solving the problems and feelinglike I've adjusted.
Vicki Nelson (20:01):
Yeah, that's the middle of the W, so it went down
.
And then it came up.
Oh, I got through this.
I'm all better.
It's great, I've survived.
Lynn Abrahams (20:10):
And then that doesn't necessarily last yeah.
Right.
So this whole process is allabout accepting a new life,
(20:34):
developing new patterns,developing a new structure and
it takes again some patience andsome trial and error, making
mistakes and then fixingmistakes, going back and forth.
Vicki Nelson (20:52):
And recognizing that roller coaster that's up
and down.
So when that second dip happensand they thought they had it
all solved and now this seconddip happens, that often is
really the big one because theyexpect a little dip.
They know, oh, it's great at thebeginning and then reality will
hit.
Oh, now I've got that solved.
And this second one, I think,is the one that takes.
(21:13):
It's the big surprise for a lotof students and is much more of
an internal sort of thing.
Now I'm questioning my values.
Now I'm questioning whether I'mat the right school.
Did I choose the right major?
You know that's a big one.
But if you've had thatconversation before and they
know that, then there's thatlast part of the W.
(21:35):
You know it will go up.
And, as you say, you know, nowI've accepted this new way of
life and I fit in and Iunderstand college.
That's, that's huge.
And as all of that is going on,many students hit what, what you
know, homesickness, andeverybody's, I think, a little
(21:57):
braced.
For that.
The student says, okay, I mightbe homesick, I might not, I
don't know.
And everybody's on a differenttimetable.
Not every student goes throughit, but a lot do.
And sometimes we as parents, webrace ourselves and wait.
And when it doesn't happen inthe first week and it might, it
(22:18):
might be the second day.
But if it doesn't happen in thefirst week and it might.
It might be the second day, butif it doesn't happen in the
first week, we think we're homefree.
But it can come, you know, alot of at a lot of points in
that W through those first sixweeks or so.
And I think you know, one of thethings that is interesting is
to ask is this reallyhomesickness?
(22:38):
I think we use that term reallyrather broadly, where it's, you
know, missing home.
I miss my family, I miss home.
And that is part of whatstudents feel sometimes and I
think it might be interesting toremind them that a month ago
they couldn't wait to get awayfrom their family and they
(22:59):
weren't even talking to us.
And now, you know, they feellike they want to be there and
really helping them.
Think a little bit.
Is it home that they aremissing?
What would they be doing athome?
And their friends aren't home,their friends have gone to
college.
Really, what they're missingvery often is just that feeling
(23:24):
of normalcy, that feeling of thefamiliar and the routines,
because college is not yetroutine and normal.
It's all strange and crazy.
And if they recognize that it'snot home that they're missing,
it's routine and a sense offamiliar, then they can do a
(23:47):
little bit more work in helpingto make college feel more normal
and familiar, that it's adifferent way to approach it.
As parents, I think we want tobe careful not to minimize it.
We like to jump in oh, it's notthat bad, it can't be that bad.
Oh, just hang in there, becauseif they're feeling something,
(24:10):
it's very real, and so that'swhen good listening skills and
allow them to be sad for alittle while and to say it's
okay to be sad.
You just need to get through ita little bit and encourage them
to get out of their room, tomeet people, to volunteer for
something, to try a new club, tothink about how they're eating
(24:33):
and sleeping, because that makesa big difference.
And maybe yeah, I don't knowmaybe even suggest is there
someone you can talk to at thispoint?
Resident assistants, who arestudents who are trained to help
in the residence halls, are agreat person because many of
them have gone through it andthey've been trained in how to
help students deal with it.
(24:53):
Maybe a counselor Most almostevery college has a health
center and has a counselingcenter, and they might even want
to do that.
And then, of course, parentshave a job and that's to send
care packages and cards andletters and all of those things.
There's nothing like gettingthe little notice in your
(25:13):
mailbox that there's a packagefor you and you know, just
trying to kind of stay upbeat alittle bit and help them with
those things, because we willget phone calls.
Lynn Abrahams (25:27):
Yes, yes, I would like to talk about the phone
calls a little bit.
The phone call, it's what Icall the phone call, because
it's not.
It's not a text in the middleof the day, it's not.
It's not a check-in phone call,it's the phone call that comes
at two in the morning, whereyour student may be feeling
(25:53):
overwhelmed, unhappy, wanting togo home, just needing to vent
perhaps, but it can be reallyintense.
They can call you and say I've,you know I've, I've had it, I.
This is too hard for me and atthat point I think that what
(26:17):
they want is to be listened to.
I think it's important as aparent to just listen to, not to
resist the urge to suggest tofix things at that moment,
because what they want is tovent and you are a safe person
(26:37):
and you are the one who willprobably hear the worst of it.
And I think that what oftenhappens is that the student,
after they vent, will saygoodnight and go to sleep and be
able to sleep because they'velet it all out.
And then you, as the parent,are often up all night because
(27:00):
you're worried, you're worried,sick, and then you call the next
day or the next afternoon andyou check in to see how things
are going, and often it's allover or they figured out ways to
deal with it.
And so you know, I do thinkthat often our role as parents
(27:21):
is to be that sounding board andto be the person that they can
show all their deepest fears to.
Now.
That said, I mean obviouslythere are many kinds of problems
that can happen, and so youknow your kids and we're joking
a little bit about the phonecall, but you know who your kids
(27:44):
are.
But just be aware that oftenthis does happen.
I once went to a gathering inmy neighborhood I'll never
forget this of parents and itwas towards the end of the
school year and it was parentsof one of the daughter in that
family actually went to thecollege I was working at and the
(28:08):
mom started to talk about thephone call that she got soon
into the first year and otherparents started to talk about
the phone call and then peoplerealized that they weren't alone
.
You know this is pretty common.
Vicki Nelson (28:25):
Phones are ringing all over the country in the
first few weeks of school.
And you know, I think we oftentalk about the 24-hour rule,
which is, you know, when you getthat kind of phone call, often
say listening and letting themvent and not necessarily trying
to solve their problem for themright then, but then also to say
(28:48):
let's just let this sit for 24hours, let's talk tomorrow, and
then we'll strategize and thinkabout what we should do about
this, whether you should comehome, whether you should not
come home, how we approachwhatever the issue is, and that
24 hours often is what they need, and then it's less emotional
(29:11):
and more rational perhaps.
Or, as you said, it has fixeditself and gone from there.
So just keeping that phone callin perspective.
So I think we wanted to justtalk a little bit quickly about
some of the things around thatfirst six weeks.
The first six weeks is reallyan important time.
(29:34):
Colleges recognize it.
Many colleges have veryorganized planning and
activities and events for thefirst six weeks for students.
One statistic that I saw fromjust a few years ago was that
more than half of students wholeave college leave in the first
(29:56):
six weeks.
So if we can get them throughthat first six weeks absolutely
not a guarantee of anything, butthe odds start to tilt a little
bit in the favor of studentswill do.
Well, we had an earlier episodeand opportunity to interview Dr
(30:18):
Silas Pierman, who is acoordinator of first-year
studies, first-year students,and he talked a lot about some
of the things that students facein their first few weeks and
how to deal with it.
That's back in episode 12.
So you might want to go backand listen to that episode and
think about that.
(30:38):
But there's some things.
If we stop and think about it,we understand that there are
reasons why these first sixweeks are so crucial for
students.
They're facing new socialnetworks and there's a lot of
pressure to fit in, and a lot ofthe pressure is the student
putting the pressure onthemselves to try to fit in and
(31:02):
find their people, find theirfriends and they're often
friends of convenience early onthe people who live down the
hall from them or that are in aclass with them.
That may change later, but fornow they just are trying to fit
in.
And that pressure alsosometimes comes around in things
(31:22):
like alcohol and sex and drugs.
Those are things that manystudents are for the first time
facing on their own and withoutany guideposts other than the
important conversations you'vehad over the summer and we have
to trust our kids to make gooddecisions.
(31:44):
But that makes the first sixweeks particularly stressful for
some students.
Lynn Abrahams (31:53):
And then there's the academics.
That's a whole new world for somany students.
There are a lot of differencesbetween high school and college
when it concerns the academics.
We do have a whole episode onthat.
Vicki Nelson (32:11):
I think it was episode nine.
I think it's nine.
Lynn Abrahams (32:17):
Because it's so different.
This might be the first timethat students have to rely on a
syllabus, really rely on asyllabus.
Vicki Nelson (32:27):
Which is the thing that the professor hands out on
the first day.
That says this is everythingyou have to do all semester.
Lynn Abrahams (32:33):
All semester.
Another challenge is that everyprofessor is different in what
they expect, how they expectassignments to be handed in
where they should hand inassignments.
So our students are learning somuch about how to be a student
(32:56):
in those first six weeks andthat can feel really, really
challenging.
I know that for some studentsit's going to be crucial that
they figure out what theresources are.
Is there a writing center?
Is there a you know speakingcenter?
Is there a math center?
Where do they get tutoring?
Where do they get extra support?
(33:18):
Because it's really importantto jump in at the very beginning
, to feel confident.
So this is a big shift.
Vicki Nelson (33:30):
Yeah, and they're really struggling too, I think,
in those first six weeks withtheir autonomy and their
independence, that they have todo things for themselves, and
whether it's figuring out howthey're going to manage their
time, or doing their laundry, orgetting themselves to bed at
(33:50):
night and up in the morningbecause they have had somebody
else who maybe helped them dothat Just all of those things
I'm suddenly on my own.
Lynn Abrahams (34:01):
Plus, there's a lot more social interaction.
So, it's easy to stay up halfthe night, because if your floor
, if all the students arestaying up half the night, you
might be too, and so there'ssome different pulls.
Vicki Nelson (34:19):
And so I think parents sometimes say, well, all
of that's well and good, butwhat do I do?
Because, yes, my student hasall of these things they have to
figure out, but I'm at adistance, I'm on the other end
of the phone line, and I thinkthere are some things that
parents can talk to theirstudents about when we realize
(34:42):
how much they're facing in thesefirst six weeks.
And one good start, which alsohas to do with this independence
thing, is pay attention tocommunication that's coming from
the school.
Students don't like email.
They think email isold-fashioned, it's for us.
But really just encouraging themare you opening and paying
(35:05):
attention to whatever's comingfrom the school, what's
happening, know what's going on,know what programming is
happening for the schools, do alot in those first six weeks, so
sort of touching base with yourstudent and say are you reading
the stuff?
Do you know what's going on,what activities, what do you
need to do or not do?
And encouraging them just toget out.
(35:27):
Dorm rooms are so comfortablethese days.
You've got your computer there,which means you can Facebook or
FaceTime or whatever with yourfriends and you can do your
studying online and you canaccess the library resources
online and you've got amicrowave and you've got a
fridge and you've got.
(35:48):
Why do I ever have to leave myroom?
So really encouraging them toget out and do things and learn
about their surroundings.
Get a campus map and start towalk around and just know where
things are and find your senseof place, connect with other
students and find your people.
Ask a friend to go to dinner orsomething like that.
Lynn Abrahams (36:18):
You know, I'm reminded of one of my favorite
writers who writes aboutcolleges, surviving college, and
that's Harlan Cohen, and hewrote a book called the Naked
Roommate.
He talks a lot in that bookabout how important it is for
students at the very beginningto find places.
People and patients To findplaces, like he suggests.
Suggest to your students findthree places on campus that feel
(36:42):
good to you, and thensuggesting to students find five
people that you like.
That's it, no more, you don'tneed a gang, Just five people.
And then reminding yourstudents to have patience with
the transition and with thebeginning.
Vicki Nelson (37:00):
That's great specific advice and sometimes
that specific advice I think isreally helpful to them,
reminding them to eat and tosleep.
Eat wisely Cereal three times aday is okay once in a while,
but not always.
And you know, to try to getsome sleep because that's the
(37:24):
biggest factor.
Lynn Abrahams (37:25):
I think, sleep, I think, is the biggest.
Vicki Nelson (37:26):
And getting the you know, the healthy lifestyle
going, finding their resources,lifestyle going, finding their
resources, and maybe, you know,just sort of try to do one thing
every day that pushes yourcomfort zone just a little bit,
whether that's asking somebodynew to you know, walk to class
with them, or introduce yourselfto someone, join a new club,
(37:49):
try something, but justcontinuing to inch their way out
.
So those are things I thinkthat parents can do to encourage
students through these firstsix weeks, and then there are a
few things that parents can doon their end as well.
Lynn Abrahams (38:06):
Right, and on our end, as parents you know our
job is to listen.
Parents, you know our job is tolisten Our job might be to
suggest they stay on campus.
I know so many students youknow do want to come home at the
very beginning, and those firstsix weeks are really, really
important.
If they're terribly, terriblyhomesick, it might be better for
(38:29):
you, if you live close enough,to go visit them on their turf
instead of having them come home.
I think that as parents, as wewatch them, we do have to use
our instincts.
If there's something reallyseriously going on wrong, that's
(38:49):
one thing.
If we need to back off and letthem experience the experience,
that's another thing.
Again, this favorite author,harlan Cohen, talks a lot about
how important it is for parentsto become comfortable with the
(39:14):
uncomfortable and how importantit is to tell our students that
they need to be comfortable withthe uncomfortable.
It's so interesting how littletraining we all get in that we
expect things to go well and gowell quickly, and yet sometimes
sitting with it is the only wayit's going to change.
(39:36):
I know for me as a parent, Iwill admit that it's easier for
me to be uncomfortable about myown stuff, you know to sit with
that than it is to watch mychild.
If, if one of my kids issuffering, I, I, I, it's really.
You have to hold me back.
You know I want to get in thereand help, and yet it's crucial
(40:00):
that we have faith that theuncomfortable is going to shift.
It doesn't stay um aroundusually and we need to let them
experience it in order to getthrough it.
It's hard really hard.
Vicki Nelson (40:19):
It is hard and it is harder to watch someone else,
our child, be uncomfortable,and the more experiences they've
had with that, perhaps the morestrategies and all they already
have for that.
And then I just keep saying thebottom line for parents then is
send care packages.
Send care packages and personalcare packages are wonderful, I
(40:44):
mean you can buy.
There are services now that youcan get to do that, and that's
fine too.
But you know, or even just acard we used to send silly cards
to our girls sometimes or justa note or a comic out touch.
You know like we often text.
Lynn Abrahams (41:15):
If I read an article that I think one of my
sons is going to enjoy, you knowtext text them and just say you
know I'm thinking of you andjust those little touches
sometimes can be very helpful,yeah.
Vicki Nelson (41:27):
So there is a lot and these first six weeks are
important.
And these first six weeks areimportant and most students can
make that transition.
But that support from home andthat help and that understanding
and the more you can talk tothem ahead of time about some of
these, they can anticipate them.
They're not taken by surprise.
(41:48):
They oh I understand now whyI'm feeling what I'm feeling.
Here are some things I can dothat maybe will make things
better in the future, or this isa different way to think about
something or look at something.
So it's a whole progression.
We hope you've had a chance tolisten to all three parts of
this little series about usingthe summer to get ready and then
(42:13):
making that transition intofreshman year.
It's a busy time, it's animportant time, but it's a fun
time too.
It's a very exciting moment foreverybody as your student heads
off to college.
So we hope this was helpful andwe're really grateful that
you've spent some time listeningto us.
(42:33):
We hope that some of it isadvice that you can use If you
know someone else who has astudent heading off to college.
Word of mouth is our best way ofgetting people to find what we
would like to share.
So please feel free to sharethe podcast with others.
If you haven't subscribed, youmay want to to share the podcast
(42:57):
with others.
If you haven't subscribed, youmay want to subscribe to the
podcast, so you'll get each newone as it comes along.
If you have a chance to leaveus a review.
Wherever you like to listen toyour podcasts.
We really rely on those andthat's really helpful for us.
We will put show notes on theCollege Parent Central website.
If you go tocollegeparentcentralcom slash
(43:18):
podcast, some of the previousepisodes that expand on some of
the topics we talked about willbe there, and I know we will
link to Harlan Cohen's bookbecause Lynn always likes to
link to that one, and it's agreat one.
There's a version for studentsand one for parents, and we'll
(43:39):
link to both of those there anda couple of others that might be
particularly helpful to you forthat transition.
So thanks again for joining us.
We hope we'll have anotheropportunity to talk to you and
we'll see you next time.
Lynn Abrahams (43:55):
See you later, bye-bye.
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already in college, this podcast is for you.
You'll find food for thoughtand information about college
and about navigating thatdelicate balance of guidance,
involvement and knowing when toget out of the way.
(00:31):
Join your hosts, vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration ofthe amazing child in college.
Lynn Abrahams (00:48):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
This is the place where we talkabout all things that have to
do with parenting our studentsas they prepare for and
transition to and live throughtheir college experience.
So I am, my name is LynnAbrahams, and I'm here with my
(01:10):
friend and colleague, vickiNelson.
We are both college professors,but we are also parents of
college students.
My role in college, in my work,has been working with students
who have learning differences.
I've spent many years workingin a small liberal arts college
(01:34):
working with students, but Ialso have two sons who have gone
in and out of college, and so Ithink I bring more experience
having to do with parenting thanI do as a professional in
higher ed to this podcast, andI'm here with my friend, vicki
(01:55):
and I am Vicki Nelson.
Vicki Nelson (01:57):
I am also a college professor and also a
parent.
So Lynn has boys, I have girlsand they've all headed off to
college.
So, yes, I think we both shareour dual role.
I'm a professor ofcommunication and I have served
as director of academic advising, so I've worked with a lot of
(02:19):
students in a lot of differentroles and different situations,
and we have more years ofexperience together than we want
to admit Want to admit, notadmitting.
And we've seen a lot of studentswho have succeeded and those
who've struggled and lots ofdifferent situations.
(02:41):
So it's interesting to us totalk about that and then also
the role of parents in all ofthis.
We started working together,doing some workshops and then
finally, to the podcast, whenour kids went off to college and
we realized that, even thoughwe work in higher ed, it was
(03:04):
overwhelming and there was somuch to think about from a
different perspective.
So we have, in our last twoepisodes, talked about getting
ready and preparing for college,thinking about some of the
conversations to have with yourstudent, thinking about the
decisions that need to be madeover the summer.
(03:24):
It's a very busy summer.
You might want to go back andlisten to those, and this time
we want to move on toward thetransition.
Lynn Abrahams (03:34):
And we'd like to focus on really the first six
weeks, I would say, of thecollege experience, both getting
to that transition point whenthey leave and living through
the first six weeks.
The first thing we wanted totalk about is moving day.
That is quite an emotional canbe crazy day.
(04:01):
I know I have two sons and itwas totally different for each
one of my two sons theexperience of moving day.
The first thing we want to sayis you want to read all the
information that comes to yourson or daughter about move-in
day, so that information, firstof all, is not going to come to
(04:23):
you, it's going to come to yourkids.
You want to find out what thesystem is going to be like.
Colleges and universities havebeen doing this for years and
years and they know what they'redoing.
So if they tell you to come atnine o'clock in the morning, it
probably makes sense to comeright at nine o'clock in the
morning.
(04:43):
It's.
I would listen to all thedirections that they give you.
And if they.
Vicki Nelson (04:51):
I'm going to jump in a little bit.
You're talking about the time.
You know, if they say come atnine, and you say, well, you
know, I think I'm the kind ofperson who always likes to be
early, maybe we'll get there ateight, chances are you will sit
in your car in a long line ateight o'clock because they said
nine o'clock, because that'swhen they want you and they
(05:12):
often do it in rolling times.
So you might be told nineo'clock or you might be told 10
o'clock, and if you get there atnine o'clock for your 10
o'clock time, you're probablygoing to sit in your car.
So that timing really does makea difference.
Lynn Abrahams (05:45):
It does, and I know at our college.
What happens is you drive up tobe the preparing for move-in
day, which is packing andorganizing stuff, and that can
be really challenging as well.
I know that with my kids, bothof them packed the night before.
They did not pack earlier.
(06:06):
Of course I have two sons.
I don't know if that hasanything to do with it?
Vicki Nelson (06:09):
Oh no, daughters, it didn't matter.
Same thing Two in the morningthe night before.
Lynn Abrahams (06:15):
The night before, and so if your kids do that,
remember that that's prettycommon.
I do think that once they startputting things in boxes or in
garbage bags, then it becomesreally real that they're leaving
.
So they put it off usually aslong as they can, but it will
(06:35):
happen and eventually thingswill get packed.
You want to think about thingslike gathering up all the
important paperwork and puttingthat in one place.
You know there are going to beforms that need to be handed in.
You want to separate that.
Vicki Nelson (06:54):
You want to remember I would put those
somewhere easily accessible, youknow, not put them all together
in a suitcase somewhere, butbecause very often students need
those forms to check in beforethey can get to their dorm.
Yep, so yeah.
Lynn Abrahams (07:12):
And also remember that you don't have to bring
everything.
Usually you can buy things whenyou get there, or know what you
need and then buy things whenyou get there.
So it is a crazy day and youwant to think about having
patience with yourself, withyour kids.
(07:35):
It's a crazy day.
Vicki Nelson (07:38):
Lots and lots of patience.
And I would add one more thingin terms of the preparation
before the day, and that is, ifyou're traveling a long distance
, you might want to do thetraveling the day before and
stay over in a hotel orsomething, somewhere I know with
one of our daughters.
It was a pretty long trip andin order to check in at 10
(08:04):
o'clock or 11 o'clock in themorning, we would have had to
leave practically in the middleof the night.
So leaving the day before anddoing the traveling and then
being able to have a night andjust get up in the morning and
have breakfast and head out, wasreally nice.
So think about that and headout was really nice.
So thinking about that.
But if you are thinking aboutdoing that, make that
(08:26):
reservation early, because youmay not be the only person who
has that idea in mind.
And that's especially true ifit's a large university and
there are a lot of freshmenmoving in.
So thinking about that.
So all that preparation isimportant.
And then we get to the day, andit is a big day and it is an
exciting day and it is anemotional important.
And then we get to the day, andit is a big day and it is an
exciting day and it is anemotional day for everyone, and
(08:51):
so you are going to arrive atthe time they tell you to and
remember that the college knowswhat they're doing and that your
students should be in charge onthat day.
As crazy as it is, this istheir day so and they are very
emotional and different studentsrespond to emotions in
(09:15):
different ways and I think weran the gamut with our daughters
you know of.
I get all teary and emotionalor I get very snippy and short
with everyone and I needed tokeep reminding myself.
You know, this is just.
This is the stress of the day.
(09:35):
Not to take it personally,especially if I'm feeling the
emotions of leaving my child andthen my student is snipping at
me about everything my child andthen my student is snipping at
me about everything.
It's sort of hard and that'swhere all of that patience that
you were talking about it reallymatters a lot.
So, remembering that they're incharge, if there are questions
(09:56):
that need to be asked, perhapsof a resident assistant, or
where do we go, or how do wefind, or what do we do have your
student ask those questions,because this is their first
opportunity to make connectionswith those sorts of people and
not your job to do those things.
If necessary, take a break andjust I think I'm just going to
(10:22):
go for a walk for a few minutesand explore the campus if
emotions start to run high, andthat gives everybody a little
break from everyone.
Think a little bit and encourageyour student to think a little
bit about roommate situations.
Sometimes roommates arrive atthe same time and that's nice
(10:42):
because then it's all moving intogether, but they may even if
the college is staggering times.
Roommates may arrive atdifferent times.
So if your student is the firstto arrive, they might want to
think about whether they can orwant to wait before they settle
in too much in the room untilthe roommate arrives and decide
(11:05):
together who's going to havewhat bed or how we're going to
arrange the furniture, ratherthan you know that tendency that
I got here first, so I'm goingto pick the best bed and all of
that.
And is that really the way youwant to start off your roommate
relationship?
Students worry a lot aboutroommates and there's lots to
think about.
We actually have an earlierepisode all about roommates,
(11:28):
everything you want to know.
I think that's episode 21.
So you might want to go backand listen to that for some
suggestions about that, but it'sworth thinking about how that
relationship is going to startout.
And then, the last thing I thinkthat I would say, and this is
probably the hardest from theparent perspective, and that is
when it's time to leave, it'stime to leave, and often,
(11:53):
sometimes, the college doesn't,you know, doesn't care when you
leave, and sometimes there's adesignated time.
Okay, parents, it's time foryou to go.
All the students need to now gooff to this event or something,
and there's a tendency to wantto linger or say well, maybe
we'll take our student out todinner tonight or one last time,
(12:14):
but at that point your studenthas a really important job and
that's to settle into their newhome, to get to know the people
they're going to be living with.
Perhaps there's a meetingscheduled on the floor for
everyone.
It's not going to be any easierto leave a half an hour later
or an hour later, and so whenit's time to go, it's time for
(12:37):
that.
You know that.
Great big hug and then go.
Lynn Abrahams (12:42):
I, you know, I am remembering both of my kids
going going that day, going tocollege, and they were really
different.
So, my first son told me whenit was time to go.
He was like, mom, I'm okay, youcan go now, you can go, now you
can go.
And I actually left a littleearlier because he, he, I think
(13:03):
it was frankly, easier for himif I wasn't there Um, and then
my, my second son, you know, Istayed right to the last last
very last moment, um, so it's,it's different for every every
kid, um, and?
and the other thing I want tosay is that, before I left,
(13:26):
there were certain things I hadto do.
I think you and I, vicki, havetalked about this before.
We both felt the need to maketheir beds.
I don't know why I felt betterleaving if the bed was made,
because at least I knew theywere going to you know, go to
bed in a made bed and I didn'tknow what was going to happen
(13:50):
after that first night.
Vicki Nelson (13:50):
Oh no, this is probably the last time it got
made for the rest of thesemester.
Lynn Abrahams (13:53):
But it was important to me.
Vicki Nelson (13:54):
Yeah, and I did that with three daughters.
We did a lot of move-in days,because you often don't just do
move-in day on freshman year,you do subsequent years.
And so by the time we got to mythird daughter and we got all
of her stuff carried up to herdorm room and the first thing
(14:14):
she did was say, that bag overthere, mom, that's the bed stuff
.
If you want to just get thatdone now, that bag over there,
mom, that's the bed stuff.
If you want to just get thatdone now, you can do that.
So, yeah, and let them figureout how to arrange their room
with their roommate.
You don't need to do that.
And yeah, it's.
And it feels funny if they kindof dismiss you Okay, mom, it's
time to go, but recognizing thatthat's the way they need to
(14:37):
handle it right now and all ofthat.
So they're moved in.
And then there are some you knowyou hopefully have talked
earlier about how you're goingto be in touch and how much
you're going to be in touch andall of that communication and
they're ready to start their newlife and I think one of the
things that is helpful to remindthem as they're transitioning
(15:00):
in is that they now have a cleanslate.
They're really starting fromground zero as they build their
life at college.
They don't have a reputation.
People don't know them, and inhigh school by the time they're
seniors in high school they'vebeen at least four years in high
(15:21):
school together with everybodyelse, and some have been
together since elementary school, so they know each other.
They fall back on ways of beingtogether.
You might have a good reputationor a bad reputation.
You might be known as the onewho is not a good student, or
the one who's always in troubleor whatever, or you might be
(15:43):
known as the head of the class.
But when they're starting it'sa clean slate.
And so, reminding them that inthese first few weeks as they
transition into college, theyneed to think about who they
want to be and who they want tobe known as, and that is such a
welcome thing to so manystudents I can reinvent myself.
(16:06):
But it's also a very scarything, and I think it's
especially scary to thosestudents who have had a
wonderful reputation and nowthey can't fall back on that and
they have to start all overcreating themselves.
So I think that's a goodconversation to have early on.
Lynn Abrahams (16:27):
And I think that once they arrive they may be
thinking that it's going to justget better and better and
better, or there's going to bethis clear progression.
And yet I think it's helpful tothink about moving to college a
(16:48):
little bit like moving toanother country, and there's so
much to learn.
There's sort of a culture shockwhen you get there because
there's so much to learn and Ithink that sometimes we expect
(17:09):
things to just move in a line,sort of from difficult to better
, but there's this sort of upand down thing that happens.
There's this W sort of up anddown and up and down kind of
progression.
I think that often the beginningis the honeymoon.
At the very beginning,everybody's new it's fun, food
(17:45):
trucks and their activities allset up for the first year
especially, and all kinds ofthat.
It's fun and it starts offpretty cool.
And then that period can last ashort period.
It could be a day or two, or itcould be the first month of
school, could be the honeymoon.
But then at some point there'sgoing to be some reality hitting
.
Some things may go wrong, theremight be some surprises, there
(18:10):
might be some feeling of notfeeling like they have friends
yet, or the food may be awful orthey might have a lot of rainy
days.
You know, in the brochures,when you look at college, it's
always sunny and it always hashappy students and you don't
(18:31):
really see some of the realitiesthat the students are going to
bump into.
Vicki Nelson (18:36):
So that might be the first dip, yeah, and I think
when that happens to them andthey have spent a lot of time
looking at the brochures and thewebsite and all of that and
they feel as though I don't fithere now because I'm not feeling
like all of those studentswhose pictures I saw, or all of
those pictures from my friendsbeing posted on Facebook and
(19:00):
Instagram and whatever, whichare all their best moments.
So it really can be a shockerwhen oh, wait a minute, and my
work and my courses seems reallyreally hard, all of those
things.
Lynn Abrahams (19:18):
Yeah that's the dip, and it's not bad during the
summer to have someconversations about this normal
progression that there will bedips, there will be ups and
downs.
Vicki Nelson (19:30):
Students who understand that and are prepared
for this can get through it.
I think a little better Right.
Lynn Abrahams (19:38):
And I think the dipping still continues, because
once they bump into problemsand figure out that there are
resources, figure out that theycan, you know, solve some of the
problems, there might be alater dip after that where, all
of a sudden, but that sense ofsolving the problems and feeling
(19:58):
like I've adjusted, that'sanother high, that sense of
solving the problems and feelinglike I've adjusted.
Vicki Nelson (20:01):
Yeah, that's the middle of the W, so it went down
.
And then it came up.
Oh, I got through this.
I'm all better.
It's great, I've survived.
Lynn Abrahams (20:10):
And then that doesn't necessarily last yeah.
Right.
So this whole process is allabout accepting a new life,
(20:34):
developing new patterns,developing a new structure and
it takes again some patience andsome trial and error, making
mistakes and then fixingmistakes, going back and forth.
Vicki Nelson (20:52):
And recognizing that roller coaster that's up
and down.
So when that second dip happensand they thought they had it
all solved and now this seconddip happens, that often is
really the big one because theyexpect a little dip.
They know, oh, it's great at thebeginning and then reality will
hit.
Oh, now I've got that solved.
And this second one, I think,is the one that takes.
(21:13):
It's the big surprise for a lotof students and is much more of
an internal sort of thing.
Now I'm questioning my values.
Now I'm questioning whether I'mat the right school.
Did I choose the right major?
You know that's a big one.
But if you've had thatconversation before and they
know that, then there's thatlast part of the W.
(21:35):
You know it will go up.
And, as you say, you know, nowI've accepted this new way of
life and I fit in and Iunderstand college.
That's, that's huge.
And as all of that is going on,many students hit what, what you
know, homesickness, andeverybody's, I think, a little
(21:57):
braced.
For that.
The student says, okay, I mightbe homesick, I might not, I
don't know.
And everybody's on a differenttimetable.
Not every student goes throughit, but a lot do.
And sometimes we as parents, webrace ourselves and wait.
And when it doesn't happen inthe first week and it might, it
(22:18):
might be the second day.
But if it doesn't happen in thefirst week and it might.
It might be the second day, butif it doesn't happen in the
first week, we think we're homefree.
But it can come, you know, alot of at a lot of points in
that W through those first sixweeks or so.
And I think you know, one of thethings that is interesting is
to ask is this reallyhomesickness?
(22:38):
I think we use that term reallyrather broadly, where it's, you
know, missing home.
I miss my family, I miss home.
And that is part of whatstudents feel sometimes and I
think it might be interesting toremind them that a month ago
they couldn't wait to get awayfrom their family and they
(22:59):
weren't even talking to us.
And now, you know, they feellike they want to be there and
really helping them.
Think a little bit.
Is it home that they aremissing?
What would they be doing athome?
And their friends aren't home,their friends have gone to
college.
Really, what they're missingvery often is just that feeling
(23:24):
of normalcy, that feeling of thefamiliar and the routines,
because college is not yetroutine and normal.
It's all strange and crazy.
And if they recognize that it'snot home that they're missing,
it's routine and a sense offamiliar, then they can do a
(23:47):
little bit more work in helpingto make college feel more normal
and familiar, that it's adifferent way to approach it.
As parents, I think we want tobe careful not to minimize it.
We like to jump in oh, it's notthat bad, it can't be that bad.
Oh, just hang in there, becauseif they're feeling something,
(24:10):
it's very real, and so that'swhen good listening skills and
allow them to be sad for alittle while and to say it's
okay to be sad.
You just need to get through ita little bit and encourage them
to get out of their room, tomeet people, to volunteer for
something, to try a new club, tothink about how they're eating
(24:33):
and sleeping, because that makesa big difference.
And maybe yeah, I don't knowmaybe even suggest is there
someone you can talk to at thispoint?
Resident assistants, who arestudents who are trained to help
in the residence halls, are agreat person because many of
them have gone through it andthey've been trained in how to
help students deal with it.
(24:53):
Maybe a counselor Most almostevery college has a health
center and has a counselingcenter, and they might even want
to do that.
And then, of course, parentshave a job and that's to send
care packages and cards andletters and all of those things.
There's nothing like gettingthe little notice in your
(25:13):
mailbox that there's a packagefor you and you know, just
trying to kind of stay upbeat alittle bit and help them with
those things, because we willget phone calls.
Lynn Abrahams (25:27):
Yes, yes, I would like to talk about the phone
calls a little bit.
The phone call, it's what Icall the phone call, because
it's not.
It's not a text in the middleof the day, it's not.
It's not a check-in phone call,it's the phone call that comes
at two in the morning, whereyour student may be feeling
(25:53):
overwhelmed, unhappy, wanting togo home, just needing to vent
perhaps, but it can be reallyintense.
They can call you and say I've,you know I've, I've had it, I.
This is too hard for me and atthat point I think that what
(26:17):
they want is to be listened to.
I think it's important as aparent to just listen to, not to
resist the urge to suggest tofix things at that moment,
because what they want is tovent and you are a safe person
(26:37):
and you are the one who willprobably hear the worst of it.
And I think that what oftenhappens is that the student,
after they vent, will saygoodnight and go to sleep and be
able to sleep because they'velet it all out.
And then you, as the parent,are often up all night because
(27:00):
you're worried, you're worried,sick, and then you call the next
day or the next afternoon andyou check in to see how things
are going, and often it's allover or they figured out ways to
deal with it.
And so you know, I do thinkthat often our role as parents
(27:21):
is to be that sounding board andto be the person that they can
show all their deepest fears to.
Now.
That said, I mean obviouslythere are many kinds of problems
that can happen, and so youknow your kids and we're joking
a little bit about the phonecall, but you know who your kids
(27:44):
are.
But just be aware that oftenthis does happen.
I once went to a gathering inmy neighborhood I'll never
forget this of parents and itwas towards the end of the
school year and it was parentsof one of the daughter in that
family actually went to thecollege I was working at and the
(28:08):
mom started to talk about thephone call that she got soon
into the first year and otherparents started to talk about
the phone call and then peoplerealized that they weren't alone
.
You know this is pretty common.
Vicki Nelson (28:25):
Phones are ringing all over the country in the
first few weeks of school.
And you know, I think we oftentalk about the 24-hour rule,
which is, you know, when you getthat kind of phone call, often
say listening and letting themvent and not necessarily trying
to solve their problem for themright then, but then also to say
(28:48):
let's just let this sit for 24hours, let's talk tomorrow, and
then we'll strategize and thinkabout what we should do about
this, whether you should comehome, whether you should not
come home, how we approachwhatever the issue is, and that
24 hours often is what they need, and then it's less emotional
(29:11):
and more rational perhaps.
Or, as you said, it has fixeditself and gone from there.
So just keeping that phone callin perspective.
So I think we wanted to justtalk a little bit quickly about
some of the things around thatfirst six weeks.
The first six weeks is reallyan important time.
(29:34):
Colleges recognize it.
Many colleges have veryorganized planning and
activities and events for thefirst six weeks for students.
One statistic that I saw fromjust a few years ago was that
more than half of students wholeave college leave in the first
(29:56):
six weeks.
So if we can get them throughthat first six weeks absolutely
not a guarantee of anything, butthe odds start to tilt a little
bit in the favor of studentswill do.
Well, we had an earlier episodeand opportunity to interview Dr
(30:18):
Silas Pierman, who is acoordinator of first-year
studies, first-year students,and he talked a lot about some
of the things that students facein their first few weeks and
how to deal with it.
That's back in episode 12.
So you might want to go backand listen to that episode and
think about that.
(30:38):
But there's some things.
If we stop and think about it,we understand that there are
reasons why these first sixweeks are so crucial for
students.
They're facing new socialnetworks and there's a lot of
pressure to fit in, and a lot ofthe pressure is the student
putting the pressure onthemselves to try to fit in and
(31:02):
find their people, find theirfriends and they're often
friends of convenience early onthe people who live down the
hall from them or that are in aclass with them.
That may change later, but fornow they just are trying to fit
in.
And that pressure alsosometimes comes around in things
(31:22):
like alcohol and sex and drugs.
Those are things that manystudents are for the first time
facing on their own and withoutany guideposts other than the
important conversations you'vehad over the summer and we have
to trust our kids to make gooddecisions.
(31:44):
But that makes the first sixweeks particularly stressful for
some students.
Lynn Abrahams (31:53):
And then there's the academics.
That's a whole new world for somany students.
There are a lot of differencesbetween high school and college
when it concerns the academics.
We do have a whole episode onthat.
Vicki Nelson (32:11):
I think it was episode nine.
I think it's nine.
Lynn Abrahams (32:17):
Because it's so different.
This might be the first timethat students have to rely on a
syllabus, really rely on asyllabus.
Vicki Nelson (32:27):
Which is the thing that the professor hands out on
the first day.
That says this is everythingyou have to do all semester.
Lynn Abrahams (32:33):
All semester.
Another challenge is that everyprofessor is different in what
they expect, how they expectassignments to be handed in
where they should hand inassignments.
So our students are learning somuch about how to be a student
(32:56):
in those first six weeks andthat can feel really, really
challenging.
I know that for some studentsit's going to be crucial that
they figure out what theresources are.
Is there a writing center?
Is there a you know speakingcenter?
Is there a math center?
Where do they get tutoring?
Where do they get extra support?
(33:18):
Because it's really importantto jump in at the very beginning
, to feel confident.
So this is a big shift.
Vicki Nelson (33:30):
Yeah, and they're really struggling too, I think,
in those first six weeks withtheir autonomy and their
independence, that they have todo things for themselves, and
whether it's figuring out howthey're going to manage their
time, or doing their laundry, orgetting themselves to bed at
(33:50):
night and up in the morningbecause they have had somebody
else who maybe helped them dothat Just all of those things
I'm suddenly on my own.
Lynn Abrahams (34:01):
Plus, there's a lot more social interaction.
So, it's easy to stay up halfthe night, because if your floor
, if all the students arestaying up half the night, you
might be too, and so there'ssome different pulls.
Vicki Nelson (34:19):
And so I think parents sometimes say, well, all
of that's well and good, butwhat do I do?
Because, yes, my student hasall of these things they have to
figure out, but I'm at adistance, I'm on the other end
of the phone line, and I thinkthere are some things that
parents can talk to theirstudents about when we realize
(34:42):
how much they're facing in thesefirst six weeks.
And one good start, which alsohas to do with this independence
thing, is pay attention tocommunication that's coming from
the school.
Students don't like email.
They think email isold-fashioned, it's for us.
But really just encouraging themare you opening and paying
(35:05):
attention to whatever's comingfrom the school, what's
happening, know what's going on,know what programming is
happening for the schools, do alot in those first six weeks, so
sort of touching base with yourstudent and say are you reading
the stuff?
Do you know what's going on,what activities, what do you
need to do or not do?
And encouraging them just toget out.
(35:27):
Dorm rooms are so comfortablethese days.
You've got your computer there,which means you can Facebook or
FaceTime or whatever with yourfriends and you can do your
studying online and you canaccess the library resources
online and you've got amicrowave and you've got a
fridge and you've got.
(35:48):
Why do I ever have to leave myroom?
So really encouraging them toget out and do things and learn
about their surroundings.
Get a campus map and start towalk around and just know where
things are and find your senseof place, connect with other
students and find your people.
Ask a friend to go to dinner orsomething like that.
Lynn Abrahams (36:18):
You know, I'm reminded of one of my favorite
writers who writes aboutcolleges, surviving college, and
that's Harlan Cohen, and hewrote a book called the Naked
Roommate.
He talks a lot in that bookabout how important it is for
students at the very beginningto find places.
People and patients To findplaces, like he suggests.
Suggest to your students findthree places on campus that feel
(36:42):
good to you, and thensuggesting to students find five
people that you like.
That's it, no more, you don'tneed a gang, Just five people.
And then reminding yourstudents to have patience with
the transition and with thebeginning.
Vicki Nelson (37:00):
That's great specific advice and sometimes
that specific advice I think isreally helpful to them,
reminding them to eat and tosleep.
Eat wisely Cereal three times aday is okay once in a while,
but not always.
And you know, to try to getsome sleep because that's the
(37:24):
biggest factor.
Lynn Abrahams (37:25):
I think, sleep, I think, is the biggest.
Vicki Nelson (37:26):
And getting the you know, the healthy lifestyle
going, finding their resources,lifestyle going, finding their
resources, and maybe, you know,just sort of try to do one thing
every day that pushes yourcomfort zone just a little bit,
whether that's asking somebodynew to you know, walk to class
with them, or introduce yourselfto someone, join a new club,
(37:49):
try something, but justcontinuing to inch their way out
.
So those are things I thinkthat parents can do to encourage
students through these firstsix weeks, and then there are a
few things that parents can doon their end as well.
Lynn Abrahams (38:06):
Right, and on our end, as parents you know our
job is to listen.
Parents, you know our job is tolisten Our job might be to
suggest they stay on campus.
I know so many students youknow do want to come home at the
very beginning, and those firstsix weeks are really, really
important.
If they're terribly, terriblyhomesick, it might be better for
(38:29):
you, if you live close enough,to go visit them on their turf
instead of having them come home.
I think that as parents, as wewatch them, we do have to use
our instincts.
If there's something reallyseriously going on wrong, that's
(38:49):
one thing.
If we need to back off and letthem experience the experience,
that's another thing.
Again, this favorite author,harlan Cohen, talks a lot about
how important it is for parentsto become comfortable with the
(39:14):
uncomfortable and how importantit is to tell our students that
they need to be comfortable withthe uncomfortable.
It's so interesting how littletraining we all get in that we
expect things to go well and gowell quickly, and yet sometimes
sitting with it is the only wayit's going to change.
(39:36):
I know for me as a parent, Iwill admit that it's easier for
me to be uncomfortable about myown stuff, you know to sit with
that than it is to watch mychild.
If, if one of my kids issuffering, I, I, I, it's really.
You have to hold me back.
You know I want to get in thereand help, and yet it's crucial
(40:00):
that we have faith that theuncomfortable is going to shift.
It doesn't stay um aroundusually and we need to let them
experience it in order to getthrough it.
It's hard really hard.
Vicki Nelson (40:19):
It is hard and it is harder to watch someone else,
our child, be uncomfortable,and the more experiences they've
had with that, perhaps the morestrategies and all they already
have for that.
And then I just keep saying thebottom line for parents then is
send care packages.
Send care packages and personalcare packages are wonderful, I
(40:44):
mean you can buy.
There are services now that youcan get to do that, and that's
fine too.
But you know, or even just acard we used to send silly cards
to our girls sometimes or justa note or a comic out touch.
You know like we often text.
Lynn Abrahams (41:15):
If I read an article that I think one of my
sons is going to enjoy, you knowtext text them and just say you
know I'm thinking of you andjust those little touches
sometimes can be very helpful,yeah.
Vicki Nelson (41:27):
So there is a lot and these first six weeks are
important.
And these first six weeks areimportant and most students can
make that transition.
But that support from home andthat help and that understanding
and the more you can talk tothem ahead of time about some of
these, they can anticipate them.
They're not taken by surprise.
(41:48):
They oh I understand now whyI'm feeling what I'm feeling.
Here are some things I can dothat maybe will make things
better in the future, or this isa different way to think about
something or look at something.
So it's a whole progression.
We hope you've had a chance tolisten to all three parts of
this little series about usingthe summer to get ready and then
(42:13):
making that transition intofreshman year.
It's a busy time, it's animportant time, but it's a fun
time too.
It's a very exciting moment foreverybody as your student heads
off to college.
So we hope this was helpful andwe're really grateful that
you've spent some time listeningto us.
(42:33):
We hope that some of it isadvice that you can use If you
know someone else who has astudent heading off to college.
Word of mouth is our best way ofgetting people to find what we
would like to share.
So please feel free to sharethe podcast with others.
If you haven't subscribed, youmay want to to share the podcast
(42:57):
with others.
If you haven't subscribed, youmay want to subscribe to the
podcast, so you'll get each newone as it comes along.
If you have a chance to leaveus a review.
Wherever you like to listen toyour podcasts.
We really rely on those andthat's really helpful for us.
We will put show notes on theCollege Parent Central website.
If you go tocollegeparentcentralcom slash
(43:18):
podcast, some of the previousepisodes that expand on some of
the topics we talked about willbe there, and I know we will
link to Harlan Cohen's bookbecause Lynn always likes to
link to that one, and it's agreat one.
There's a version for studentsand one for parents, and we'll
(43:39):
link to both of those there anda couple of others that might be
particularly helpful to you forthat transition.
So thanks again for joining us.
We hope we'll have anotheropportunity to talk to you and
we'll see you next time.
Lynn Abrahams (43:55):
See you later, bye-bye.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!