November 6, 2024 • 40 mins
Once your child steps into the world of college – even if it is in the next room – both parents and students begin experiencing a new stage in development. Students are exploring the academic and social world of college; parents are exploring the experience of stepping back and watching them do it. But, it is also part of the parenting package to worry. In this episode, Lynn and Vicki highlight some of the signs that parents can watch for that may indicate that their student is struggling. All college students will hit a few bumps in the road, and the more parents can think about how to identify signs of trouble, how to explore situations further, and how to decide whether or not to intervene, the better armed they will be to support their student’s growth.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Vicki Nelson (00:00):
Hello listeners, this is an encore release of an
earlier episode that you mighthave missed the first time
around and we think can beespecially helpful as students
are moving into the crunch timeof the semester.
Some may be struggling tomanage and to get things done.
In this episode we highlightsome of the signs that you can
(00:21):
watch for that may indicate thatyour student is struggling and
how to decide whether or not tointervene.
We hope you find this helpful.
Announcer (00:38):
Here's the episode.
Welcome to the College ParentCentral Podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already in college, this podcast is for you.
You'll find food for thoughtand information about college
(01:04):
and about navigating thatdelicate balance of guidance,
involvement and knowing when toget out of the way.
Join your hosts, vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration ofthe amazing experience of having
a child in college.
Lynn Abrahams (01:20):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
My name is Lynn Abrahams and Iam a learning disability
specialist.
I work with college studentsand I'm also a mom of two sons
who have been through thecollege world.
And I am here today with myfriend and colleague, Vicki
(01:41):
Nelson.
Vicki, you want to introduceyourself, friend, and colleague
Vicki Nelson.
Vicki Nelson (01:45):
Vicki, you want to introduce yourself Absolutely.
I'm Vicki Nelson and I am aprofessor of communication at a
small liberal arts college.
And, perhaps more importantlyor equally important, I am the
mother of three daughters.
So Lynn has the boys, I havethe girls and all of my girls
have gone to college and comeout the other side.
(02:06):
So I've seen the full range ofcollege and I've done it three
different ways with threedifferent girls.
Each child is different, that'sfor sure.
Each one is.
Boys are different than girlsand girls are different from
each other.
So you know, in many ways we'rea first-time college parent
every time we send a studentaway, right?
Lynn Abrahams (02:30):
So today we're going to talk about some signs
of trouble.
We've started the semester,we're already into the beginning
of it, and now is the timewhere we might notice that some
things are happening with ourkids and we'd like to talk a
little bit about some of thosered flags or the signs that come
(02:53):
up.
You know, once your child stepsinto the world of college even
if it's in the next room, youknow if it's at the dining room
table or on campus most parentsand students start a whole new
stage of development.
So students are exploring awhole new world and parents are
(03:17):
exploring that whole new worldof stepping back and watching
them do it.
So it's a whole, it's a newstage.
And you know, we do know thatour kids are resilient.
We know that college is amostly positive experience, but
we also know that there arebumps in the road and I think
(03:40):
it's good to take a look at someof those signs that pop up.
I know, in my work, when I workwith families of students with
learning differences, you knowI've seen this huge spectrum
between you know, one end whereparents are worried about
everything that happens as ifit's a huge crisis, or the other
(04:05):
end where they may not benoticing that there are some
things going on.
So that's why I think this isan important topic.
Vicki Nelson (04:20):
Yeah, you know, I think you, my girls going off to
school, and I think aboutparenting a student really at
any age, but particularly asthey get into those sort of
teenage years and college years,it's part of the parenting job
description to worry.
(04:41):
Oh boy, I think it's justautomatic.
And we find different things toworry about with different kids
and in different situations.
And I know a lot of the time Isometimes worried about whether
I should be worried and so,thinking a little bit about what
(05:02):
are the signs and what arethose, as you mentioned the red
flags, what are the ones Ishould worry about, about what
are the signs and what are those, as you mentioned the red flags
, what are the ones I shouldworry about and what are the
ones I shouldn't worry about,and what do I want to be sure
not to miss.
So I think you know, coming upperhaps in a future podcast we
may want to talk more about sortof what to do when there are
(05:25):
problems, but right now we'rereally just thinking a little
bit about how can you tell, whatdo you watch for and listen for
, to know whether you shouldjump in and whether you should
worry, and it's really aboutkeeping our antenna up, how do
we keep the radar moving?
(05:46):
I'm mixing metaphors here buthow do we just sort of keep
paying attention?
And as a college parent andthis may be a little different
than when they were I want tosay home and under your roof,
and many college students arestill home and under your roof,
(06:07):
and I think in some ways it'salmost more difficult if they
are, because how is your rolechanging?
So it's really a case of takinga step back and watching and
listening a little bit more.
Sometimes, if you're too close,you don't see the big picture,
(06:27):
and so that idea of taking astep back and just observing a
little bit is a good way tostart.
And I think one of the thingsto look for at this point, once
we're sort of thinking, you know, now is the point where we're
past the initial transition,which is in some ways almost a
(06:47):
honeymoon, and it may be goingwell or it may not, but things
have settled in a little bit.
And one of the things to watchfor at this point are changes,
shifts in behavior.
That could be a signal.
Things settled down and nowthings are different and it
(07:11):
could be lots of differentthings that are different.
It may be, assuming yourstudent is away, that you've
been connecting.
You found a rhythm of how oftenyou're going to communicate.
Maybe you talk every day, maybeyou talk once a week, and
hopefully that's something youand your student have sort of
(07:32):
figured out.
But all of a sudden it changes.
We've been talking regularlyevery day, and now my student
doesn't call for days at a time.
Or we've been talking regularlyevery week, every Sunday In our
family it was the Sunday dutycall.
You need to call home, you needto check in with us on Sundays,
let us know how things are going.
(07:52):
But all of a sudden they'recalling every day.
So it's a lot more or a lotless and it shifts.
If communication just stops,this is a sign that something
has changed.
It's not necessarily bad.
It could mean that your studentisn't communicating because
(08:15):
they're in trouble or depressedor all sorts of things that you
should worry about.
But it could mean your studentis so engaged and busy and
having a good time and activewith their friends that they
don't have time.
When we had the Sunday dutycalls, sometimes they were an
hour long because there was lotsto talk about.
(08:37):
Sometimes it was five minutes.
Hi, I'm calling, everything'sfine and I'm off to do something
with my friends.
Everything's fine and I'm offto do something with my friends.
So, but a shift is something toyou know.
Get that antenna thinking alittle bit.
If there's a change in the way,kind of the way they are, that
suddenly the extrovert is reallyquiet or your really quiet
(09:00):
student gets a little out ofcontrol, or you know it's a
change.
It's something to notice.
If there's a really significantweight change, even physical
change, that all of a suddenyour student has put on a lot of
weight.
You know, aside from theclassic freshman 15, I don't
(09:22):
know if that's still a thing Ithink there's a lot healthier
foods available to students atcollege now than there were a
while ago.
But suddenly your student isgaining a lot of weight, or
losing a lot of weight, or thereseems to be some kind of
physical change in terms ofenergy or something.
And you know, another one is anexcessive need for a lot more
(09:47):
money.
And it's different in everyfamily that Some students are in
charge of their own spendingmoney or whatever, and some
people need to come to the bankof mom and dad.
But if there's suddenly a needfor a lot, it may be that you
just hadn't anticipated expenses, but that could question where
(10:09):
is the money going and what areyou doing?
So just watching for changes,something's different.
Lynn Abrahams (10:15):
Watching for changes.
You know something's different,you know, I think that you know
.
You started out talking abouthow it's important to step back
and watch, and you know, so wenoticed that there might be some
changes.
I think we, as parents, we doknow our kids well, you know,
and we have a sense that ifsomething shifts dramatically,
something could be off.
(10:36):
You know, like you mentioned,there is some instinct there,
sense that if something shiftsdramatically, something could be
off.
Instinct, there is someinstinct there.
Now, we always have to be awarethat sometimes some of us tend
to be excessive warriors anyways, I'm one of those but we also
need to sort of tune in to ourinstinct.
Something's off.
(10:58):
You mentioned excessive money.
I mean, if a student needs alot of extra money, perhaps
they're using it to buy a lot ofalcohol and they're developing
a dependency.
So there could be reasons thatthis is a red flag and you need
(11:19):
to pay attention Any shift.
I mean they say, when you'rewatching students for mental
health issues that can pop up atthis age, that the clearest
indication that there's aproblem is this abrupt shift in
something.
Vicki Nelson (11:40):
And then you start a conversation and you begin to
explore a little bit Exactly.
Lynn Abrahams (11:46):
So another thing to watch out for, along with
that, is if your students arehome visiting and, for example,
for a weekend, and they don'twant to go back, they do not
want to get in the car, that's atime when you might want to ask
.
You know, you want to ask somequestions.
Vicki Nelson (12:08):
You know, I think you have to weigh that.
You know how much are they notwanting to go back?
Because you know Sunday nightsare hard, because I know I have
to go back to work on Mondaymorning.
So I think we all have a littlebit of that.
Oh darn, this was a really niceweekend, especially if it was a
long weekend or something, andnow I have to go back.
(12:28):
So there's a little grain ofsalt there, but there's not
wanting to go back and notwanting to go back.
Lynn Abrahams (12:34):
Right, exactly.
If you find out in some waythat your students are missing a
lot of classes, missing a lotof assignments, they're not
handing things in on time, oncethat snowball starts rolling
down the hill that can reallybuild, that could be certainly a
(12:56):
sign that something's off.
Vicki Nelson (12:58):
And that's a really hard one, because we
shouldn't be tracking dailytheir assignments.
So it was it, and that's a realshift from what is happening now
, I think, in most elementary,middle and high schools, where
parents can log onto a portaland you can see what the daily
(13:20):
assignments are and you can seewhether your student has handed
them in.
And for those parents who areused to doing that, it's a shift
in college, when you can't andhopefully I think we've made the
point in earlier podcasts,probably multiple times, that
you should not be asking yourstudent for their password so
(13:42):
that you can track those sortsof things.
So you really are relying onyour student talking to you and
that's where asking somequestions or just getting a
sense, or casual conversationsabout how are things going in a
class and what kinds ofassignments do you do in that
class and how does the professordeal with things.
It's really for those of us inthe classroom it's a definite
(14:07):
sign of a student who may behaving some issues.
You know, this student is nothanding things in, this student
is not doing what they need todo.
Yeah, but for parents that's alittle bit harder.
Lynn Abrahams (14:26):
Mm-hmm, you know.
Another issue similar to thatis if students are talking about
transferring.
Now, part of that is normal.
I mean, a lot of students talkabout transferring as a sign
(15:01):
that something's wrong, and thenyou just want to gently probe
and find out what's going on.
Vicki Nelson (15:08):
Yeah, why are you thinking about it?
It may very well be that I'vediscovered I don't want this
major and this school doesn'thave the major I want.
But is it just dissatisfactionwith everything?
And having conversations?
Some of these just openopportunities for conversation
(15:31):
and, you know, sometimes thebest step to take thinking a
little bit about.
Okay, I'm seeing some of thesesigns.
What do I do?
And sometimes the best step,immediate step, may be do
nothing, which sounds as thoughyou're abdicating.
But I know we often talk about.
(15:51):
One of the books that we findreally helpful for parents is a
book called the Naked Roommateby an author named Harlan Cohen.
Strange title.
Worth reading the book just tounderstand the title.
It actually does make sense.
But Harlan Cohen in his booktalks about what he calls the
(16:12):
24-hour rule that when somethingcomes up sitting with it for 24
hours as a parent and evenhelping your student, there's
the crisis of the moment.
Some things need to be dealtwith right away and some things
you say well, let's just sit onthat for 24 hours and come back
to it, and it gives you someperspective and ways of thinking
(16:36):
about it and start to thinkabout when we do come back to
that issue?
How will we talk about it?
And I think one of the bestthings parents can do is to ask
the right questions.
Sometimes it's how you areexploring it with your student.
Lynn Abrahams (16:57):
So what do you mean by that?
What about asking?
Vicki Nelson (17:01):
how do you ask the right questions?
As a communication professor?
It's asking questions that areopen-ended, questions that allow
the student to elaborate andtake it where they want to.
So rather than saying, are yougoing to class?
And I can answer that with ayes or no, but maybe you know if
(17:29):
you're getting to every class,what's it like in this class?
Is there a lot of lecture?
How does that professor teach?
And then, as they begin to talka little bit about the
experience of being in the class, you may begin to see what some
problems might be.
Rather than just here's aquestion that can be answered
(17:51):
with a yes or a no, I think it'salso important to not only
think about the questions butabout how you begin to approach
those questions.
So the more casual sometimesthat you can be, I mean
sometimes you know there's animmediate problem and we need to
address it and let's startasking some serious questions,
(18:14):
but sometimes being a littlecasual, so it doesn't sound like
an interrogation, it doesn'tfeel as though I'm being grilled
.
It isn't always about gradesand just giving students an
opportunity to talk about theirexperiences.
Maybe tell a story or two aboutyour own experiences or a time
(18:34):
in your life when you had asimilar problem or situation.
It just opens conversation.
I think that can help a lot.
Lynn Abrahams (18:43):
You know, one thing I know I have difficulty
with is asking questions and notmaking it sound like I think
they're messing up.
You know what I mean?
Like I think it's reallyimportant to remember that we
want to give our students, ourkids, the message that we think
(19:05):
they can do this, yes, that wedo believe in them, we do think
they can do this.
Sometimes, you know, if I ask alot of questions, my sons might
think she thinks I can't dothis, she thinks I'm messing up.
Vicki Nelson (19:25):
So thinking about how to frame those questions in
ways that are just I'm trying toget a sense of what things are
like and all.
And then you know, I think it'sokay too to be very explicit
with that message of I know youcan deal with this, I know you
can handle this Remember whenyou handled this back in high
(19:47):
school and it felt overwhelmingat first and then you figured it
out.
Or remember when, you know, andactually helping them think
about times when they've handledthings on their own and handled
difficult things, and lettingthem know that there is support
there for them, that they're notalone in trying to work things
(20:08):
out, but that you do expect themto work things out on their own
.
You know, that's the old.
I think I hope we're gettingpast the helicopter parent image
and I think we're gettingbetter at not swooping in and
fixing things but helping themfigure out what they want to do.
(20:33):
You know, thinking about as Iopen these questions and as
they're thinking about dealingwith a hard situation, sometimes
they just want to come home,and sometimes that's a good
thing.
Sometimes having a break andcoming home is good and might
give you an opportunity to havesome kinds of conversations you
(20:56):
don't otherwise, but sometimesyou want your student not to
feel like they need to escapefrom whatever it is.
That's an issue, but you wantto connect.
So one of the things we wereable to do with a couple of our
daughters not one of them wasfarther away and we couldn't do
(21:18):
it, but you know, when there wasthat, oh, I just want to come
home, we would say well, youknow what?
How about we come and visit youinstead?
And if it's close enough, youknow, we'll drive up and let's
go out to dinner, or we'll comeup on a Saturday and it's a
beautiful day in the fall let'sall go for a hike or whatever
(21:40):
your family likes to do.
But rather than have them feellike they're escaping from this
place, you come and you stillcan connect, but you do it in
their space.
Well it's in their world, yeahRight.
Their space, well, it's intheir world, yeah Right, yeah,
and it's a nice experience.
(22:00):
They also can, you know, youhave a chance to see them in
their environment, which is kindof nice, and then you can use
that time to think about how toproblem solve with them, rather
than swooping in and fixing itand solving the problem for them
.
But you know, okay, let's thinktogether how we can deal with
you know.
Oh, you've got that terriblegrade.
(22:22):
Let's think about how we can dothat.
Oh, you know, you feel youdon't have any friends.
Let's think about how you couldstart to connect with some
people.
Or, you know, just think itthrough together and think about
if parents can have some senseof what supports are available
(22:46):
on campus and often through thewebsite or whatever information,
so that you can suggest to yourstudent.
Here are things that you can dofor yourself.
You can go to a tutoring center.
You can go to a counselingcenter.
You can talk to your RA aboutyour roommate problem.
I'm happy to talk with youabout it.
(23:09):
But there's support for youavailable in your world, on your
campus.
And think through what youroptions are and maybe an action
plan.
You know, here's some steps youcan take this week, so kind of
(23:41):
working with them on.
Lynn Abrahams (23:42):
Whatever the issue is, one thing I like about
that is that it puts us, asparents, in the role of a lot
about that shift in role wherewe're not swooping in to fix
anything, but we are talkingwith our students almost as
equals, problem solving withthem.
We're the sideline coach andwe're rooting them on.
(24:05):
We're the sideline coach andwe're rooting them on.
You know, one of the areas orone of the topics that can come
up at this point is aconversation with your student
about whether they really wantto be in college right now.
You know, one of my sonsdecided to step out at one point
(24:26):
and it was the right decisionand that came from some real
discussions about.
You know, is this the righttime?
You know, do you really, youknow, know why you're in college
right now?
Is this the right time to do it?
And in that situation it wasn'tso that something to bring up,
(24:48):
because I do see a lot ofstudents in college whose
parents are paying a ton ofmoney and they don't really want
to be there.
Vicki Nelson (24:57):
Or they don't know why they're there.
I think that sense of andthat's a conversation that a lot
of students have not had,because college for many, many
families just feels like it'sthe next step.
It's what you do, you graduatefrom high school and go to
(25:18):
college, and so a lot ofstudents haven't been asked to
think about why go to college,why are you in college?
And if you have a strong senseof purpose, even if you're not
clear what that is yet, even ifyou're an undecided student and
(25:41):
you really don't know what youwant to major and you don't have
a career goal yet, you can havesome sense of purpose of
learning more about yourself andlearning more about what's out
there and exploring some areasyou have some strengths in.
But if you don't have a senseof purpose that's pulling you
and driving you through, it'shard.
(26:03):
It's easier to get swept to oneside or the other by the
problems.
So really having thatconversation with your student
can be a great experience.
It's an important conversation.
Lynn Abrahams (26:21):
Yeah, before we finish with this topic, is if
you do decide that, as a parent,there's something going on
that's serious enough that youdo want to intervene.
I'd like to offer somequestions to ask at that point,
and I'm getting this informationfrom a book that I have just
(26:47):
totally loved.
It's by Marjorie Savage fromthe University of Minnesota, and
it's a book called You're Onyour Own, but I'm here If you
Need Me, and there's just a newedition has just come out this
year, and she mentions fourdifferent questions to ask if
(27:08):
you feel you want to step in.
The first question is to ask isthis a whatever issue this is?
Is this an issue that moststudents of your student's age
can handle?
Is there any reason why theycannot handle?
(27:28):
this issue and I asked thatquestion, you know, also because
many of my students who havesome, you know, learning
challenges and it might be thatthis is an issue that they do
need some support, some help,some guidance.
Or it might be that yourstudent is saying I can't deal
(27:49):
with it because I'm too busy orI have too much homework to deal
with this.
That may not be a good enoughreason for them not to deal with
it.
Vicki Nelson (28:01):
Or if it's I'm too busy, then the next question
becomes so how can we unbusy youa little bit, or is this really
important enough if you're too?
Lynn Abrahams (28:13):
busy?
Yeah, great question.
And then another question toask, which I love, is what will
your student learn by handlingthis on their own?
Because many of these issuesthat pop up are just perfect
opportunities for our studentsto learn some of the skills that
(28:37):
they really do need as adultsto take care of issues.
Now we may play again the roleas the coach on the sidelines
and coach them to do whateverthey need to do to solve the
problem, but you do want to askwhat are they going to learn
from this, from taking care ofthis on their own?
Vicki Nelson (28:56):
I love that idea of coaching them through, of
talking them through the steps.
Lynn Abrahams (29:04):
Because they may not know.
Vicki Nelson (29:05):
Right, and then it becomes something that they can
apply the next time theyencounter something like this
Exactly.
They learn the process, theylearn a way to handle an issue,
and boy, the takeaway from thatmeans that next time something
comes up, they can put that intoplace, rather than you having
to come in and swoop in again.
Lynn Abrahams (29:27):
Great, exactly.
The third question and I lovethis question is will your
involvement complicate mattersor make it worse?
So you do want to step back andsay, ooh, if I get involved, is
this going to really you knowover, you know is?
Is this going to make thingsworse?
Vicki Nelson (29:48):
Yeah, and and there are ways that sometimes it
does, especially at the at thecollege level that that you
getting involved and callingsome people you know may may
just accelerate some issues, yep.
So good.
Lynn Abrahams (30:07):
And then the fourth question she asks is do
you have the full story?
And you know, I find that whenI talk to my own students at
school sometimes I have to stepback and realize, gee, I'm
getting the story from thestudent who's quite upset or
(30:29):
quite involved, and I have tostep back and say am I really
getting this whole story beforeI jump in and try to help them.
So it is a good question to ask.
Vicki Nelson (30:42):
And that's another one that's hard.
I mean it's difficult.
It's not difficult to ask thequestion.
Well, it is because you don'twant to say to your student I
don't think you're telling methe truth, or I don't think
you're telling you the fullstory, but that it's really from
(31:03):
their perspective.
And how, how do you get at thefull story?
How can you know?
And and you know, I don't know,I'm thinking maybe you know,
maybe even you say to yourstudent let's assume it's a
(31:23):
problem with the professor, if Iwere to ask your professor what
they think about this, what doyou think they would tell me?
Or are there any pieces of thisthat you might've forgotten or
that you might've left out?
So, for instance, I'll hearfrom perhaps another advisor who
(31:46):
says to me I'm an advisor forthis student who's in your class
and they're telling me thatthey're having a problem because
they're not getting enoughfeedback on their tests, or
something of that nature.
And as we talk, I say, well,did they tell you that they've
(32:07):
missed six classes over the lastthree weeks?
And oh, no, I didn't have thatpiece of information.
So you know, again, going backto some of those questions that
you can ask, that might elicitsome more information.
It's hard if you don't know ifyou have the full story.
(32:29):
Yeah.
Lynn Abrahams (32:31):
And then the last question that I added myself is
does this issue involve safetyin any way the safety of your
student or the safety of otherstudents?
Because once it involves safety, all bets are off.
(32:52):
I mean, I think that parentshave the right to make any phone
call if they're worried.
Vicki Nelson (32:57):
Yeah, that's always the bottom line, that is,
and knowing that if you call,it doesn't matter who you call.
At the school they may not beable to tell you much because of
FERPA and releasing information, but they can listen and then
(33:17):
they can investigate.
So if you're concerned aboutsomething, don't say, well,
there's no point in my callingbecause they're not going to
tell me how my student is doing.
But you can call and then theycan check up on your student and
sometimes they can say howabout we do a joint phone call
(33:38):
with your parents or something.
So yeah, I think you're right.
That's always the bottom line.
I think those are really greatquestions, you know.
I just want to tick backthrough them because they're so
good for making that decisionabout when and how and if to be
involved.
(33:58):
So you know.
The first one was is this anissue that most students can
handle and is there a reason whyyour student should not be able
to handle it?
And then you talked about whatwill your student learn by
handling this on their own?
Is it worth it?
Because they could learn someimportant lessons.
(34:19):
And then, thinking about, if Iget involved, will I complicate
things or make them worse?
And then, fourth, thinkingabout do I have that full story?
And thinking about all of thosequestions with that bottom line
of am I really concerned aboutsafety?
Because then, as you say, allbets are off.
(34:41):
Those are really a great way toevaluate whether you should be
involved.
There are bumps in the road, youknow, no matter what, even the
best students, even the mosttogether students and there's a
whole range of students butthere will be bumps in the road.
(35:04):
It is natural, and I think ifstudents and parents are not
prepared for those, that's whenthe life experience feels like
it's out of control and everybump, every twist, every turn is
something that allows yourstudent to grow in some way and
(35:25):
learn from that.
And college is the place tomake those mistakes.
College is a kind of a safehaven in that sense, rather than
out there in the world on thatfirst job or in that first
relationship it's not a firstrelationship but in situations
(35:45):
where there aren't as manysafety nets as there are in
college.
But it doesn't matter how much,you know there are going to be
bumps in the road.
Announcer (35:59):
It's really hard to watch them happen.
Lynn Abrahams (36:02):
Yeah, it's particularly hard for parents to
watch their kids suffer.
I think that is one of the veryhardest things when you know
that there's something going on.
It's really hard, and we doknow that college-age students
are way more resilient than theythink they are, and that's the
(36:27):
case.
But we also know that duringthese college years, this is a
time for issues to bubble up.
It may be the time that somemore serious psychological
issues can bubble up.
This is the time that it canhappen.
So it is important to watch forthese red flags, watch for
(36:50):
these signs.
I think it's important to relyon our intuition, but also keep
a balance and know that we needto step back, we need to watch
and we need to watch whathappens.
(37:13):
I think that we need toremember we still have a role to
play as parents during theseyears.
It's a different role than wehad in high school, but it is a
role to play.
Vicki Nelson (37:30):
I think that's our message over and over again,
that we keep talking about that.
Anybody who tells you, oh good,your student has gone away to
college, you're done.
It clearly has never had astudent student has gone away to
college, you're done.
It clearly has never had astudent who's gone away to
college.
And if you try to do it thesame way you've always done it,
it probably is not going to workvery well.
So it really is exploring newways to support your student and
(37:54):
understand your student andhelp your student grow in new
kinds of ways, and that's thefun of it.
That's exciting.
We're still hanging in there butkeeping the antenna for those
signs that might mean there arethings going on, and then taking
it from there and going fromthere and students are.
(38:16):
You know, it's good forstudents to know they have that
safety net and that support fromhome.
So lots to think about.
It's good for students to knowthey have that safety net and
that support from home.
So lots to think about, lots towatch for.
And then you know congratulateyour student when things are
going well too, Absolutely Well.
We hope that this is helpful.
We hope that this gives you, asparents, some things to think
(38:41):
about and ways to embrace thisnew role of being a coach rather
than the caretaker, in a newkind of way.
So if this was helpful and youthink that you would like to
hear more, perhaps you're a newlistener to our podcast.
If you're a regular.
Thanks for being here.
A new listener to our podcast?
(39:03):
If you're a regular, thanks forbeing here, but please consider
subscribing to the CollegeParent Central podcast.
Wherever it is that you like tolisten to podcasts, you should
be able to find us anywhere andthen you get each episode as we
release them, rather than havingto sort of remember to check
back with us.
We try to send you a couple amonth as you think through
(39:24):
what's coming next for yourstudent and maybe even go back
to some of our earlier ones,which deal with some of the
subjects as we get towardmidterms and midterm grades and
some of those things that comeup throughout the semester, and
consider leaving us a review ora comment If you subscribe.
(39:46):
That would be great.
It helps us to have thatfeedback.
Spread the word, Share thepodcast with anyone else you
know that might find it helpful.
Visit the College ParentCentral website, slash podcast
and we have show notes.
So we will list in today's shownotes the two books that we
talked about and a couple of ourother podcasts that we
(40:09):
referenced that talk about someof the subjects a little more
completely, some of the thingswe thought about, and leave us a
comment there Tell us whatyou'd like to hear more about.
It gives us ideas of what wouldbe helpful to you and I hope
you will join us another time.
So until next time, See youlater.
Hello listeners, this is an encore release of an
earlier episode that you mighthave missed the first time
around and we think can beespecially helpful as students
are moving into the crunch timeof the semester.
Some may be struggling tomanage and to get things done.
In this episode we highlightsome of the signs that you can
(00:21):
watch for that may indicate thatyour student is struggling and
how to decide whether or not tointervene.
We hope you find this helpful.
Announcer (00:38):
Here's the episode.
Welcome to the College ParentCentral Podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already in college, this podcast is for you.
You'll find food for thoughtand information about college
(01:04):
and about navigating thatdelicate balance of guidance,
involvement and knowing when toget out of the way.
Join your hosts, vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration ofthe amazing experience of having
a child in college.
Lynn Abrahams (01:20):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
My name is Lynn Abrahams and Iam a learning disability
specialist.
I work with college studentsand I'm also a mom of two sons
who have been through thecollege world.
And I am here today with myfriend and colleague, Vicki
(01:41):
Nelson.
Vicki, you want to introduceyourself, friend, and colleague
Vicki Nelson.
Vicki Nelson (01:45):
Vicki, you want to introduce yourself Absolutely.
I'm Vicki Nelson and I am aprofessor of communication at a
small liberal arts college.
And, perhaps more importantlyor equally important, I am the
mother of three daughters.
So Lynn has the boys, I havethe girls and all of my girls
have gone to college and comeout the other side.
(02:06):
So I've seen the full range ofcollege and I've done it three
different ways with threedifferent girls.
Each child is different, that'sfor sure.
Each one is.
Boys are different than girlsand girls are different from
each other.
So you know, in many ways we'rea first-time college parent
every time we send a studentaway, right?
Lynn Abrahams (02:30):
So today we're going to talk about some signs
of trouble.
We've started the semester,we're already into the beginning
of it, and now is the timewhere we might notice that some
things are happening with ourkids and we'd like to talk a
little bit about some of thosered flags or the signs that come
(02:53):
up.
You know, once your child stepsinto the world of college even
if it's in the next room, youknow if it's at the dining room
table or on campus most parentsand students start a whole new
stage of development.
So students are exploring awhole new world and parents are
(03:17):
exploring that whole new worldof stepping back and watching
them do it.
So it's a whole, it's a newstage.
And you know, we do know thatour kids are resilient.
We know that college is amostly positive experience, but
we also know that there arebumps in the road and I think
(03:40):
it's good to take a look at someof those signs that pop up.
I know, in my work, when I workwith families of students with
learning differences, you knowI've seen this huge spectrum
between you know, one end whereparents are worried about
everything that happens as ifit's a huge crisis, or the other
(04:05):
end where they may not benoticing that there are some
things going on.
So that's why I think this isan important topic.
Vicki Nelson (04:20):
Yeah, you know, I think you, my girls going off to
school, and I think aboutparenting a student really at
any age, but particularly asthey get into those sort of
teenage years and college years,it's part of the parenting job
description to worry.
(04:41):
Oh boy, I think it's justautomatic.
And we find different things toworry about with different kids
and in different situations.
And I know a lot of the time Isometimes worried about whether
I should be worried and so,thinking a little bit about what
(05:02):
are the signs and what arethose, as you mentioned the red
flags, what are the ones Ishould worry about, about what
are the signs and what are those, as you mentioned the red flags
, what are the ones I shouldworry about and what are the
ones I shouldn't worry about,and what do I want to be sure
not to miss.
So I think you know, coming upperhaps in a future podcast we
may want to talk more about sortof what to do when there are
(05:25):
problems, but right now we'rereally just thinking a little
bit about how can you tell, whatdo you watch for and listen for
, to know whether you shouldjump in and whether you should
worry, and it's really aboutkeeping our antenna up, how do
we keep the radar moving?
(05:46):
I'm mixing metaphors here buthow do we just sort of keep
paying attention?
And as a college parent andthis may be a little different
than when they were I want tosay home and under your roof,
and many college students arestill home and under your roof,
(06:07):
and I think in some ways it'salmost more difficult if they
are, because how is your rolechanging?
So it's really a case of takinga step back and watching and
listening a little bit more.
Sometimes, if you're too close,you don't see the big picture,
(06:27):
and so that idea of taking astep back and just observing a
little bit is a good way tostart.
And I think one of the thingsto look for at this point, once
we're sort of thinking, you know, now is the point where we're
past the initial transition,which is in some ways almost a
(06:47):
honeymoon, and it may be goingwell or it may not, but things
have settled in a little bit.
And one of the things to watchfor at this point are changes,
shifts in behavior.
That could be a signal.
Things settled down and nowthings are different and it
(07:11):
could be lots of differentthings that are different.
It may be, assuming yourstudent is away, that you've
been connecting.
You found a rhythm of how oftenyou're going to communicate.
Maybe you talk every day, maybeyou talk once a week, and
hopefully that's something youand your student have sort of
(07:32):
figured out.
But all of a sudden it changes.
We've been talking regularlyevery day, and now my student
doesn't call for days at a time.
Or we've been talking regularlyevery week, every Sunday In our
family it was the Sunday dutycall.
You need to call home, you needto check in with us on Sundays,
let us know how things are going.
(07:52):
But all of a sudden they'recalling every day.
So it's a lot more or a lotless and it shifts.
If communication just stops,this is a sign that something
has changed.
It's not necessarily bad.
It could mean that your studentisn't communicating because
(08:15):
they're in trouble or depressedor all sorts of things that you
should worry about.
But it could mean your studentis so engaged and busy and
having a good time and activewith their friends that they
don't have time.
When we had the Sunday dutycalls, sometimes they were an
hour long because there was lotsto talk about.
(08:37):
Sometimes it was five minutes.
Hi, I'm calling, everything'sfine and I'm off to do something
with my friends.
Everything's fine and I'm offto do something with my friends.
So, but a shift is something toyou know.
Get that antenna thinking alittle bit.
If there's a change in the way,kind of the way they are, that
suddenly the extrovert is reallyquiet or your really quiet
(09:00):
student gets a little out ofcontrol, or you know it's a
change.
It's something to notice.
If there's a really significantweight change, even physical
change, that all of a suddenyour student has put on a lot of
weight.
You know, aside from theclassic freshman 15, I don't
(09:22):
know if that's still a thing Ithink there's a lot healthier
foods available to students atcollege now than there were a
while ago.
But suddenly your student isgaining a lot of weight, or
losing a lot of weight, or thereseems to be some kind of
physical change in terms ofenergy or something.
And you know, another one is anexcessive need for a lot more
(09:47):
money.
And it's different in everyfamily that Some students are in
charge of their own spendingmoney or whatever, and some
people need to come to the bankof mom and dad.
But if there's suddenly a needfor a lot, it may be that you
just hadn't anticipated expenses, but that could question where
(10:09):
is the money going and what areyou doing?
So just watching for changes,something's different.
Lynn Abrahams (10:15):
Watching for changes.
You know something's different,you know, I think that you know
.
You started out talking abouthow it's important to step back
and watch, and you know, so wenoticed that there might be some
changes.
I think we, as parents, we doknow our kids well, you know,
and we have a sense that ifsomething shifts dramatically,
something could be off.
(10:36):
You know, like you mentioned,there is some instinct there,
sense that if something shiftsdramatically, something could be
off.
Instinct, there is someinstinct there.
Now, we always have to be awarethat sometimes some of us tend
to be excessive warriors anyways, I'm one of those but we also
need to sort of tune in to ourinstinct.
Something's off.
(10:58):
You mentioned excessive money.
I mean, if a student needs alot of extra money, perhaps
they're using it to buy a lot ofalcohol and they're developing
a dependency.
So there could be reasons thatthis is a red flag and you need
(11:19):
to pay attention Any shift.
I mean they say, when you'rewatching students for mental
health issues that can pop up atthis age, that the clearest
indication that there's aproblem is this abrupt shift in
something.
Vicki Nelson (11:40):
And then you start a conversation and you begin to
explore a little bit Exactly.
Lynn Abrahams (11:46):
So another thing to watch out for, along with
that, is if your students arehome visiting and, for example,
for a weekend, and they don'twant to go back, they do not
want to get in the car, that's atime when you might want to ask
.
You know, you want to ask somequestions.
Vicki Nelson (12:08):
You know, I think you have to weigh that.
You know how much are they notwanting to go back?
Because you know Sunday nightsare hard, because I know I have
to go back to work on Mondaymorning.
So I think we all have a littlebit of that.
Oh darn, this was a really niceweekend, especially if it was a
long weekend or something, andnow I have to go back.
(12:28):
So there's a little grain ofsalt there, but there's not
wanting to go back and notwanting to go back.
Lynn Abrahams (12:34):
Right, exactly.
If you find out in some waythat your students are missing a
lot of classes, missing a lotof assignments, they're not
handing things in on time, oncethat snowball starts rolling
down the hill that can reallybuild, that could be certainly a
(12:56):
sign that something's off.
Vicki Nelson (12:58):
And that's a really hard one, because we
shouldn't be tracking dailytheir assignments.
So it was it, and that's a realshift from what is happening now
, I think, in most elementary,middle and high schools, where
parents can log onto a portaland you can see what the daily
(13:20):
assignments are and you can seewhether your student has handed
them in.
And for those parents who areused to doing that, it's a shift
in college, when you can't andhopefully I think we've made the
point in earlier podcasts,probably multiple times, that
you should not be asking yourstudent for their password so
(13:42):
that you can track those sortsof things.
So you really are relying onyour student talking to you and
that's where asking somequestions or just getting a
sense, or casual conversationsabout how are things going in a
class and what kinds ofassignments do you do in that
class and how does the professordeal with things.
It's really for those of us inthe classroom it's a definite
(14:07):
sign of a student who may behaving some issues.
You know, this student is nothanding things in, this student
is not doing what they need todo.
Yeah, but for parents that's alittle bit harder.
Lynn Abrahams (14:26):
Mm-hmm, you know.
Another issue similar to thatis if students are talking about
transferring.
Now, part of that is normal.
I mean, a lot of students talkabout transferring as a sign
(15:01):
that something's wrong, and thenyou just want to gently probe
and find out what's going on.
Vicki Nelson (15:08):
Yeah, why are you thinking about it?
It may very well be that I'vediscovered I don't want this
major and this school doesn'thave the major I want.
But is it just dissatisfactionwith everything?
And having conversations?
Some of these just openopportunities for conversation
(15:31):
and, you know, sometimes thebest step to take thinking a
little bit about.
Okay, I'm seeing some of thesesigns.
What do I do?
And sometimes the best step,immediate step, may be do
nothing, which sounds as thoughyou're abdicating.
But I know we often talk about.
(15:51):
One of the books that we findreally helpful for parents is a
book called the Naked Roommateby an author named Harlan Cohen.
Strange title.
Worth reading the book just tounderstand the title.
It actually does make sense.
But Harlan Cohen in his booktalks about what he calls the
(16:12):
24-hour rule that when somethingcomes up sitting with it for 24
hours as a parent and evenhelping your student, there's
the crisis of the moment.
Some things need to be dealtwith right away and some things
you say well, let's just sit onthat for 24 hours and come back
to it, and it gives you someperspective and ways of thinking
(16:36):
about it and start to thinkabout when we do come back to
that issue?
How will we talk about it?
And I think one of the bestthings parents can do is to ask
the right questions.
Sometimes it's how you areexploring it with your student.
Lynn Abrahams (16:57):
So what do you mean by that?
What about asking?
Vicki Nelson (17:01):
how do you ask the right questions?
As a communication professor?
It's asking questions that areopen-ended, questions that allow
the student to elaborate andtake it where they want to.
So rather than saying, are yougoing to class?
And I can answer that with ayes or no, but maybe you know if
(17:29):
you're getting to every class,what's it like in this class?
Is there a lot of lecture?
How does that professor teach?
And then, as they begin to talka little bit about the
experience of being in the class, you may begin to see what some
problems might be.
Rather than just here's aquestion that can be answered
(17:51):
with a yes or a no, I think it'salso important to not only
think about the questions butabout how you begin to approach
those questions.
So the more casual sometimesthat you can be, I mean
sometimes you know there's animmediate problem and we need to
address it and let's startasking some serious questions,
(18:14):
but sometimes being a littlecasual, so it doesn't sound like
an interrogation, it doesn'tfeel as though I'm being grilled
.
It isn't always about gradesand just giving students an
opportunity to talk about theirexperiences.
Maybe tell a story or two aboutyour own experiences or a time
(18:34):
in your life when you had asimilar problem or situation.
It just opens conversation.
I think that can help a lot.
Lynn Abrahams (18:43):
You know, one thing I know I have difficulty
with is asking questions and notmaking it sound like I think
they're messing up.
You know what I mean?
Like I think it's reallyimportant to remember that we
want to give our students, ourkids, the message that we think
(19:05):
they can do this, yes, that wedo believe in them, we do think
they can do this.
Sometimes, you know, if I ask alot of questions, my sons might
think she thinks I can't dothis, she thinks I'm messing up.
Vicki Nelson (19:25):
So thinking about how to frame those questions in
ways that are just I'm trying toget a sense of what things are
like and all.
And then you know, I think it'sokay too to be very explicit
with that message of I know youcan deal with this, I know you
can handle this Remember whenyou handled this back in high
(19:47):
school and it felt overwhelmingat first and then you figured it
out.
Or remember when, you know, andactually helping them think
about times when they've handledthings on their own and handled
difficult things, and lettingthem know that there is support
there for them, that they're notalone in trying to work things
(20:08):
out, but that you do expect themto work things out on their own
.
You know, that's the old.
I think I hope we're gettingpast the helicopter parent image
and I think we're gettingbetter at not swooping in and
fixing things but helping themfigure out what they want to do.
(20:33):
You know, thinking about as Iopen these questions and as
they're thinking about dealingwith a hard situation, sometimes
they just want to come home,and sometimes that's a good
thing.
Sometimes having a break andcoming home is good and might
give you an opportunity to havesome kinds of conversations you
(20:56):
don't otherwise, but sometimesyou want your student not to
feel like they need to escapefrom whatever it is.
That's an issue, but you wantto connect.
So one of the things we wereable to do with a couple of our
daughters not one of them wasfarther away and we couldn't do
(21:18):
it, but you know, when there wasthat, oh, I just want to come
home, we would say well, youknow what?
How about we come and visit youinstead?
And if it's close enough, youknow, we'll drive up and let's
go out to dinner, or we'll comeup on a Saturday and it's a
beautiful day in the fall let'sall go for a hike or whatever
(21:40):
your family likes to do.
But rather than have them feellike they're escaping from this
place, you come and you stillcan connect, but you do it in
their space.
Well it's in their world, yeahRight.
Their space, well, it's intheir world, yeah Right, yeah,
and it's a nice experience.
(22:00):
They also can, you know, youhave a chance to see them in
their environment, which is kindof nice, and then you can use
that time to think about how toproblem solve with them, rather
than swooping in and fixing itand solving the problem for them
.
But you know, okay, let's thinktogether how we can deal with
you know.
Oh, you've got that terriblegrade.
(22:22):
Let's think about how we can dothat.
Oh, you know, you feel youdon't have any friends.
Let's think about how you couldstart to connect with some
people.
Or, you know, just think itthrough together and think about
if parents can have some senseof what supports are available
(22:46):
on campus and often through thewebsite or whatever information,
so that you can suggest to yourstudent.
Here are things that you can dofor yourself.
You can go to a tutoring center.
You can go to a counselingcenter.
You can talk to your RA aboutyour roommate problem.
I'm happy to talk with youabout it.
(23:09):
But there's support for youavailable in your world, on your
campus.
And think through what youroptions are and maybe an action
plan.
You know, here's some steps youcan take this week, so kind of
(23:41):
working with them on.
Lynn Abrahams (23:42):
Whatever the issue is, one thing I like about
that is that it puts us, asparents, in the role of a lot
about that shift in role wherewe're not swooping in to fix
anything, but we are talkingwith our students almost as
equals, problem solving withthem.
We're the sideline coach andwe're rooting them on.
(24:05):
We're the sideline coach andwe're rooting them on.
You know, one of the areas orone of the topics that can come
up at this point is aconversation with your student
about whether they really wantto be in college right now.
You know, one of my sonsdecided to step out at one point
(24:26):
and it was the right decisionand that came from some real
discussions about.
You know, is this the righttime?
You know, do you really, youknow, know why you're in college
right now?
Is this the right time to do it?
And in that situation it wasn'tso that something to bring up,
(24:48):
because I do see a lot ofstudents in college whose
parents are paying a ton ofmoney and they don't really want
to be there.
Vicki Nelson (24:57):
Or they don't know why they're there.
I think that sense of andthat's a conversation that a lot
of students have not had,because college for many, many
families just feels like it'sthe next step.
It's what you do, you graduatefrom high school and go to
(25:18):
college, and so a lot ofstudents haven't been asked to
think about why go to college,why are you in college?
And if you have a strong senseof purpose, even if you're not
clear what that is yet, even ifyou're an undecided student and
(25:41):
you really don't know what youwant to major and you don't have
a career goal yet, you can havesome sense of purpose of
learning more about yourself andlearning more about what's out
there and exploring some areasyou have some strengths in.
But if you don't have a senseof purpose that's pulling you
and driving you through, it'shard.
(26:03):
It's easier to get swept to oneside or the other by the
problems.
So really having thatconversation with your student
can be a great experience.
It's an important conversation.
Lynn Abrahams (26:21):
Yeah, before we finish with this topic, is if
you do decide that, as a parent,there's something going on
that's serious enough that youdo want to intervene.
I'd like to offer somequestions to ask at that point,
and I'm getting this informationfrom a book that I have just
(26:47):
totally loved.
It's by Marjorie Savage fromthe University of Minnesota, and
it's a book called You're Onyour Own, but I'm here If you
Need Me, and there's just a newedition has just come out this
year, and she mentions fourdifferent questions to ask if
(27:08):
you feel you want to step in.
The first question is to ask isthis a whatever issue this is?
Is this an issue that moststudents of your student's age
can handle?
Is there any reason why theycannot handle?
(27:28):
this issue and I asked thatquestion, you know, also because
many of my students who havesome, you know, learning
challenges and it might be thatthis is an issue that they do
need some support, some help,some guidance.
Or it might be that yourstudent is saying I can't deal
(27:49):
with it because I'm too busy orI have too much homework to deal
with this.
That may not be a good enoughreason for them not to deal with
it.
Vicki Nelson (28:01):
Or if it's I'm too busy, then the next question
becomes so how can we unbusy youa little bit, or is this really
important enough if you're too?
Lynn Abrahams (28:13):
busy?
Yeah, great question.
And then another question toask, which I love, is what will
your student learn by handlingthis on their own?
Because many of these issuesthat pop up are just perfect
opportunities for our studentsto learn some of the skills that
(28:37):
they really do need as adultsto take care of issues.
Now we may play again the roleas the coach on the sidelines
and coach them to do whateverthey need to do to solve the
problem, but you do want to askwhat are they going to learn
from this, from taking care ofthis on their own?
Vicki Nelson (28:56):
I love that idea of coaching them through, of
talking them through the steps.
Lynn Abrahams (29:04):
Because they may not know.
Vicki Nelson (29:05):
Right, and then it becomes something that they can
apply the next time theyencounter something like this
Exactly.
They learn the process, theylearn a way to handle an issue,
and boy, the takeaway from thatmeans that next time something
comes up, they can put that intoplace, rather than you having
to come in and swoop in again.
Lynn Abrahams (29:27):
Great, exactly.
The third question and I lovethis question is will your
involvement complicate mattersor make it worse?
So you do want to step back andsay, ooh, if I get involved, is
this going to really you knowover, you know is?
Is this going to make thingsworse?
Vicki Nelson (29:48):
Yeah, and and there are ways that sometimes it
does, especially at the at thecollege level that that you
getting involved and callingsome people you know may may
just accelerate some issues, yep.
So good.
Lynn Abrahams (30:07):
And then the fourth question she asks is do
you have the full story?
And you know, I find that whenI talk to my own students at
school sometimes I have to stepback and realize, gee, I'm
getting the story from thestudent who's quite upset or
(30:29):
quite involved, and I have tostep back and say am I really
getting this whole story beforeI jump in and try to help them.
So it is a good question to ask.
Vicki Nelson (30:42):
And that's another one that's hard.
I mean it's difficult.
It's not difficult to ask thequestion.
Well, it is because you don'twant to say to your student I
don't think you're telling methe truth, or I don't think
you're telling you the fullstory, but that it's really from
(31:03):
their perspective.
And how, how do you get at thefull story?
How can you know?
And and you know, I don't know,I'm thinking maybe you know,
maybe even you say to yourstudent let's assume it's a
(31:23):
problem with the professor, if Iwere to ask your professor what
they think about this, what doyou think they would tell me?
Or are there any pieces of thisthat you might've forgotten or
that you might've left out?
So, for instance, I'll hearfrom perhaps another advisor who
(31:46):
says to me I'm an advisor forthis student who's in your class
and they're telling me thatthey're having a problem because
they're not getting enoughfeedback on their tests, or
something of that nature.
And as we talk, I say, well,did they tell you that they've
(32:07):
missed six classes over the lastthree weeks?
And oh, no, I didn't have thatpiece of information.
So you know, again, going backto some of those questions that
you can ask, that might elicitsome more information.
It's hard if you don't know ifyou have the full story.
(32:29):
Yeah.
Lynn Abrahams (32:31):
And then the last question that I added myself is
does this issue involve safetyin any way the safety of your
student or the safety of otherstudents?
Because once it involves safety, all bets are off.
(32:52):
I mean, I think that parentshave the right to make any phone
call if they're worried.
Vicki Nelson (32:57):
Yeah, that's always the bottom line, that is,
and knowing that if you call,it doesn't matter who you call.
At the school they may not beable to tell you much because of
FERPA and releasing information, but they can listen and then
(33:17):
they can investigate.
So if you're concerned aboutsomething, don't say, well,
there's no point in my callingbecause they're not going to
tell me how my student is doing.
But you can call and then theycan check up on your student and
sometimes they can say howabout we do a joint phone call
(33:38):
with your parents or something.
So yeah, I think you're right.
That's always the bottom line.
I think those are really greatquestions, you know.
I just want to tick backthrough them because they're so
good for making that decisionabout when and how and if to be
involved.
(33:58):
So you know.
The first one was is this anissue that most students can
handle and is there a reason whyyour student should not be able
to handle it?
And then you talked about whatwill your student learn by
handling this on their own?
Is it worth it?
Because they could learn someimportant lessons.
(34:19):
And then, thinking about, if Iget involved, will I complicate
things or make them worse?
And then, fourth, thinkingabout do I have that full story?
And thinking about all of thosequestions with that bottom line
of am I really concerned aboutsafety?
Because then, as you say, allbets are off.
(34:41):
Those are really a great way toevaluate whether you should be
involved.
There are bumps in the road, youknow, no matter what, even the
best students, even the mosttogether students and there's a
whole range of students butthere will be bumps in the road.
(35:04):
It is natural, and I think ifstudents and parents are not
prepared for those, that's whenthe life experience feels like
it's out of control and everybump, every twist, every turn is
something that allows yourstudent to grow in some way and
(35:25):
learn from that.
And college is the place tomake those mistakes.
College is a kind of a safehaven in that sense, rather than
out there in the world on thatfirst job or in that first
relationship it's not a firstrelationship but in situations
(35:45):
where there aren't as manysafety nets as there are in
college.
But it doesn't matter how much,you know there are going to be
bumps in the road.
Announcer (35:59):
It's really hard to watch them happen.
Lynn Abrahams (36:02):
Yeah, it's particularly hard for parents to
watch their kids suffer.
I think that is one of the veryhardest things when you know
that there's something going on.
It's really hard, and we doknow that college-age students
are way more resilient than theythink they are, and that's the
(36:27):
case.
But we also know that duringthese college years, this is a
time for issues to bubble up.
It may be the time that somemore serious psychological
issues can bubble up.
This is the time that it canhappen.
So it is important to watch forthese red flags, watch for
(36:50):
these signs.
I think it's important to relyon our intuition, but also keep
a balance and know that we needto step back, we need to watch
and we need to watch whathappens.
(37:13):
I think that we need toremember we still have a role to
play as parents during theseyears.
It's a different role than wehad in high school, but it is a
role to play.
Vicki Nelson (37:30):
I think that's our message over and over again,
that we keep talking about that.
Anybody who tells you, oh good,your student has gone away to
college, you're done.
It clearly has never had astudent student has gone away to
college, you're done.
It clearly has never had astudent who's gone away to
college.
And if you try to do it thesame way you've always done it,
it probably is not going to workvery well.
So it really is exploring newways to support your student and
(37:54):
understand your student andhelp your student grow in new
kinds of ways, and that's thefun of it.
That's exciting.
We're still hanging in there butkeeping the antenna for those
signs that might mean there arethings going on, and then taking
it from there and going fromthere and students are.
(38:16):
You know, it's good forstudents to know they have that
safety net and that support fromhome.
So lots to think about.
It's good for students to knowthey have that safety net and
that support from home.
So lots to think about, lots towatch for.
And then you know congratulateyour student when things are
going well too, Absolutely Well.
We hope that this is helpful.
We hope that this gives you, asparents, some things to think
(38:41):
about and ways to embrace thisnew role of being a coach rather
than the caretaker, in a newkind of way.
So if this was helpful and youthink that you would like to
hear more, perhaps you're a newlistener to our podcast.
If you're a regular.
Thanks for being here.
A new listener to our podcast?
(39:03):
If you're a regular, thanks forbeing here, but please consider
subscribing to the CollegeParent Central podcast.
Wherever it is that you like tolisten to podcasts, you should
be able to find us anywhere andthen you get each episode as we
release them, rather than havingto sort of remember to check
back with us.
We try to send you a couple amonth as you think through
(39:24):
what's coming next for yourstudent and maybe even go back
to some of our earlier ones,which deal with some of the
subjects as we get towardmidterms and midterm grades and
some of those things that comeup throughout the semester, and
consider leaving us a review ora comment If you subscribe.
(39:46):
That would be great.
It helps us to have thatfeedback.
Spread the word, Share thepodcast with anyone else you
know that might find it helpful.
Visit the College ParentCentral website, slash podcast
and we have show notes.
So we will list in today's shownotes the two books that we
talked about and a couple of ourother podcasts that we
(40:09):
referenced that talk about someof the subjects a little more
completely, some of the thingswe thought about, and leave us a
comment there Tell us whatyou'd like to hear more about.
It gives us ideas of what wouldbe helpful to you and I hope
you will join us another time.
So until next time, See youlater.
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