January 22, 2025 • 42 mins
Nearly half of recent college graduates are finding themselves back in their childhood bedrooms, and it’s not just nostalgia pulling them home. Financial pressures are nudging this generation towards a new developmental stage of life. These shifting family dynamics come with their own set of challenges and opportunities. In this episode, Vicki and Lynn explore the concept of "boomerang students" and share their personal journeys as parents navigating this transition. We discuss the practicalities of living with adult children, from negotiating household contributions to ensuring everyone maintains their independence. With open communication and a bit of humor, this life stage can be a chance to strengthen family bonds and gain fresh perspectives on adult life.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:10):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already in college, this podcast is for you.
You'll find food for thoughtand information about college
and about navigating thatdelicate balance of guidance,
involvement and knowing when toget out of the way.
(00:31):
Join your hosts, vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration ofthe amazing child in college.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
This is the podcast where wetalk about all of the things
that have to do with being theparent of a college student
being the parent of a highschool student who's thinking
about college or headed tocollege, and sometimes talking
about students who are no longerstudents, students who graduate
(01:10):
from college and are ready tomove on, because that's also
part of the college parentingjourney.
My name is Vicki Nelson and Iam a professor of communication
and I am also the mother ofthree daughters who have all
gone to college and come out theother side.
(01:31):
So I come to this topic fromtwo angles both as a
professional who works withstudents in the classroom every
day and I see what goes on withthem, and then also as a mom
who's lived the experience.
So it's lots of fun to talkabout college parenting, and I
(01:51):
am here, as I so often am, andso happy to be here, with my
friend and colleague, lynnAbrahams.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Hi everybody.
Hi everybody, my name's LynnAbrahams and I am a learning
disability specialist.
I have worked with collegestudents for my whole career and
worked with their families, momof two sons who have gone to
(02:28):
college and gone out and madedecisions all about leaving and
going.
And they have come through tothe other side, and Vicki and I
met when our kids were justtalking about going to college
and we realized that we did notknow a lot about what was, and
we realized that we did not knowa lot about what was.
You know, even though we workedin a college environment.
The entire process was a bitoverwhelming and we also
(02:52):
realized that our roles werestill very, very important, but
they were different, and that'swhat really got us started in
doing workshops and this podcastas well.
So today we are going to talkabout parenting, but at a
(03:12):
slightly different stage.
We're going to be talking aboutthe students who leave and then
come back after college andcome back home, and that group
of students are often calledboomerang students, boomerang
young adults.
They go and they come backRight, so some of you are
(03:33):
getting ready just to let yourstudents go for the first time,
and we're here to remind youthat they may not go forever.
They may be back before they goagain.
So it's an important topic, Ithink, because the world has
changed a lot and more and morestudents need to come back after
(03:56):
college, and part of that isfinancial.
The world has changed.
It's just more expensive haschanged.
It's just more expensive, andthis is a phenomenon that's
growing.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
And I think it's important that we all realize
that it is a growing phenomenonand it's not just us.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It does not mean that your kids are failures or that
we are failures, and so what wewould like to do is talk a
little bit about that, thattrend, and you know, eventually
we'd like to get to some tips onhow to act, how to actually go
through it with your kids, andboth Vicki and I have been in
that situation.
So we have a few tips,first-hand experience, and then
(04:44):
we also, of course, at the end,we'll have some books to
recommend, because that's whatwe do.
We are always looking at newmaterial out there.
So when I started looking atsome of the information out
there about this, I came upon asurvey that was created by
(05:07):
Thrivant, which is a Fortune 500financial services organization
, and for three years in a row,they have been sent out a survey
to Boomerang.
They call it the Boomerang KidsSurvey, and what they found was
that about 46% of parents saythat they've had their adult
(05:29):
child, their adult children,boomerang back home, and that's
up from 35% last year and that'sup we found some more
information about in 2017, 32%.
So this is something that iscurrent and growing.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
I find those numbers really I don't know shocking.
Maybe too strong a word, butreally surprising.
I mean that's nearly half ofthe kids who graduate from
college that end up moving backhome.
Talk about not being alone.
I mean it's right, it's huge.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
And and one reason I I was drawn to this topic too
was because of my own kids, andI've seen that how expensive it
is out there for them to to findapartments, and you know buying
homes is really expensive.
You know my younger son is isthinking about moving from one
apartment to another, and whatthat means is first month's rent
(06:33):
, last month's rent, deposit.
All that adds up to a chunk ofmoney that a lot of kids just
don't have, um, especially whenthey're just starting out.
So this is, I see it happening.
You know it's a lot of money,it is.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
And because students you know in college may not be
thinking too much about how thatworks.
They could look at an apartmentthat you know rent is $2,000 a
month or you know, fill inwhatever number in whatever
region you live and say, okay, Ican manage that, but then not
(07:13):
thinking about, but to start, Ineed that deposit.
I need, first and last and youknow so now what they're talking
about $6,000 to start at thesame time that they are starting
to pay their college loans andall of that.
So, it's huge and you knowthere's beyond the financial,
(07:38):
which is huge and most studentsand parents, I think, say you
know the main reason that theymove home is financial.
But I think this is also partof that sort of another trend
which we've talked about andread about before and that is
this emerging adulthoodgeneration.
(08:01):
And this was a theory byJeffrey Arnett and he wrote a
book we'll list all these booksin the show notes called
Emerging Adult and he identifiedthis age between 18 and 27.
That goes up pretty high 27 is,you know, they're out of school
for a while and he's sayingthat this is a a stage of
(08:25):
development now which he callsemerging adulthood, where
they're not an adolescentanymore.
They're certainly beyond that,but they're not really an adult.
And he gives all thecharacteristics about it but the
the fact that that they reallystill are in this in-between
stage, um up, you know, 26, 27years old, and that adulthood is
(08:51):
now really more a kind of afeeling and a process that they
sort of grow into, rather than Ithink previous generations
often saw this with strictmilestones.
You graduate from college, youare an adult.
You get a job, you are an adult.
You get married, you are anadult.
(09:11):
And now the generation issaying well, you know, I may be
hitting those milestones, but Istill don't exactly feel like an
adult.
I think there was a quote inanother book I can talk about it
a little later called theAccordion Family, and someone
who said well, I'm not an adultyet, though I'm now becoming it.
(09:35):
And this idea of gradualbecoming, and as part of this,
this generation is reallypostponing things like marriage
till a lot later.
So the financial part is huge,but it's not the only one.
So even students who can affordperhaps to move out might
(10:00):
choose not to.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
It's a developmental stage that is elongated.
It's definitely longer than itthan it has been Um.
So this um, this trend, um isuh.
You know there are a lot ofcomplicated feelings attached to
this Um.
You know, there some parentsare feeling, um, like it's a
(10:24):
it's a bad thing when their kidscome back, and some kids, some
parents, are feeling like it's abad thing when their kids come
back, and some parents arefeeling proud that they can help
their kids in the process.
I read one article from a manwho was talking about his son
and saying that his son cameback three times before he
(10:44):
finally left.
I know how that is, yeah Right.
And he says, you know, what hesays is that the support that
his son received allowed them to, you know, graduate from
college without a huge debt andallowed his son to save up money
(11:06):
to get his first home, whichmight be out of reach totally
for so many kids and I know,vicki, you went through that.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, I've lived that .
So I have three daughters andall of them moved home for a
while after they graduated fromcollege.
Well, they sort of got theirfeet under them, got a job and
all of that.
And then one of our daughtersso she moved home after college.
She was here for a year or soand then she moved out and was
(11:35):
on her own for a little while,and then she moved back and then
was home for a little while,and then she moved out and then
got married and they had anapartment for a while.
And then they came to us andsaid we know we are never going
to be able to buy a house atthis rate because we're paying
(11:58):
this rent and there's not a lotleft over.
If we could move back in withyou for a little while, we think
we could make this happen andsave up.
And so she moved back againthis was the third time with a
husband and a dog, so life was alittle bit different.
But it was exactly what theyneeded to do and they were here
(12:19):
for a while and saved up andwere able to do that.
So it made it happen.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
And I think that, again, part of why we're talking
about this is to normalize it.
You know there are messagesthat we're getting out there
that tell us that this is a badthing.
And you know, I found you knowI, I found this a book that is
(12:47):
very popular, um, and it'scalled um failure to launch, why
you're 20 something hasn'tgrown up by Mark McConville, who
is a clinical psychologist fromOhio, and there's some, you
know, really good stuff in thatbook, but the title wrinkles.
You know good stuff in thatbook, but the title wrinkles.
You know it bothers me becauseit the assumption is it's a
(13:09):
failure, totally, it's a failurefor your, your kids, and it's a
failure for you, um, and Idon't think it's that clear-cut,
I think it's more complicatedthan that I'm with you.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I'm not liking that title, uh, because and it not
only that it has failure, butit's like what we want to do is
just launch them.
Let's just get them out intothe world, ready or not.
Here they come.
But there's another thing thatthat title makes me think about,
and that is that, yes, a lot,maybe even the majority of
(13:45):
students are coming home becausefinancial reasons or practical
things like that.
But I think there are somestudents who need to need really
to move home after collegebecause they aren't yet ready to
live on their own.
They really do need a littlemore time, a little more
(14:05):
maturity, a little morementoring, a little more role
modeling, so they may need alittle more help getting some of
the life skills and it providesthat opportunity.
So it just keeps expanding allof the reasons why students need
to move back home.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And we really don't know how to do it.
I mean it's, you know, justlike parenting in general.
You know I, so much of it issort of you know, you figure it
out as you do it, and and wereally don't know how to do this
in a way that supports our kidsgrowth into independence.
And you know it, independenceit's difficult to do that.
Another book that I've bumpedinto that I am really interested
(14:56):
by is a book called you andyour Adult Child how to Grow
Together in Challenging Times byLauren Steinberg, and I know
you have this book and I want toborrow it.
I do.
But one of the things he saysin the book is you know, nobody
knows what the rules are andnobody knows how to do this well
(15:18):
, and that's true.
We don't have a lot ofexperience behind us to draw on
sort of inherited experience toshow us how to parent in this
way.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
We didn't do that.
Majority of us didn't move home.
So it was more commonpreviously that you graduated
from college and you moved outon your own because it wasn't as
hard financially.
And it was what you did and Iknow you've talked to Lynn about
(15:55):
.
Well, I lived with threeroommates to make it happen and
we did a lot of that.
But it means we haven'texperienced moving back into our
parents' homes.
So we have nothing to model, wehave nothing to follow to say,
oh, this is how it worked when Imoved home and so we're
(16:20):
inventing it as we go along.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Right, you know, when working as a learning
specialist, I had the honoractually to work with many
students from around the world.
I worked with a lot ofinternational students and I got
to see that although this isnot the norm in America, it is
(16:42):
the norm in many countries andyou know I know a lot of
students from Europe, from Asiancountries.
You know that was the norm.
They go back home and in ourcountry we tend to value
independence, you know, we valuedoing it on your own and I kind
(17:05):
of hope that changes just alittle bit as and some changes
in our culture perhaps we'realso seeing more
(17:29):
multi-generational families.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
So it's not just the kids are coming home, but you've
got the grandparents sometimes,which again is so common in so
many countries around the world.
So maybe we're just getting instep a little bit with what some
other countries do.
But you know, because it's sonew and we're inventing it as we
(17:52):
go along, it can be hard andthere are other emotional things
to deal with.
I think perhaps you know thatonce we've gotten used to the
empty nest and we talk so muchabout empty nesters and you know
it's going to be hard when ourkids leave home and go to
(18:13):
college and we're going to havethe empty nest.
But four years later we mayhave actually gotten quite used
to the empty nest and it feelspretty good.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I've actually gotten quite used to the empty nest and
it feels pretty good.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
It's quiet, it's you know, things aren't all over the
house, that you haven't put allover the house and you get to
come and go as you want.
I mean, there's some thingsthat we've gotten used to and
(18:45):
then your student comes homeagain.
It disrupts all of that and forsome families it may even mean
having to postpone some of theirlife plans.
Perhaps they were beginning toget ready to downsize and now
they can't do that because theirstudent is back home or
possibly retirement or travel,whatever, who knows.
But it's disruptive to ourlives as well.
(19:08):
I mean, it can be good and wewant to talk about some of the
positives, but we need to beready for the fact that it may
disrupt our lives a little bit.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Right.
So if this is happening to youor you want to prepare a little
more for when it happens or whenit happens.
um, we do have some ideas abouthow to make it run a little bit
smoother.
Um one, um.
One thing I I think is reallyimportant.
(19:41):
Well, I think the biggest thingis to sit down and have
conversation about how it'sgoing to work, because it needs
to be clear.
You know your kids are adultsand they have changed.
They left and now they'recoming back.
They're different and you'redifferent.
So to have a conversation abouthow it's going to work is
(20:03):
crucial.
So to have a conversation abouthow it's going to work is
crucial.
You may want to have adiscussion about whether your
kids are going to contributefinancially to the running of
the household or not justfinancially.
How they're going to contributeto the household, you know, are
they going to be required to dosome chores?
Are they going to, you know,are they going to pay rent?
(20:26):
Are they going to contribute tofood shopping?
Sometimes some people would saythat having kids contribute is
a way to acknowledge theiradulthood and help them feel
that they are roommates ratherthan you know, just your kids,
(20:49):
and that can be helpful or not.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
I think that's really important, because if they just
come home and they're you knowI want to say freeloading, just
living home.
it's just so easy then to fallback into that high school
mentality.
And so to help them continue tofeel as an adult, even if
they're moving home because offinancial reasons.
(21:15):
I mean, it seems almost acontradiction my kid's moving
home because they want to saveup for an apartment or a house
or whatever, but yet I'm askingthem to pay some money.
But I think it does help themfeel.
You know that this is adifferent stage of life and
(21:35):
there are different ways to dothat.
I know again.
You know our experience when mydaughter and her husband and dog
came home.
We had a dog at the time tooand they didn't like each other.
So we lived with a lot of gatesaround our house for a little
while, but that's okay, wemanaged.
But we asked them to pay usessentially what it cost us to
(22:02):
have them here.
So that was increased water use, you know, a little bit toward
the water bill, the electricbill, not so much the heat,
because we had to heat the housewhether they were here or not,
but some of those life expenses,utility bills.
And then we cooked separatelyagain so that we could feel a
(22:22):
little different.
You know we were one family butwe were two families.
But I bought a lot of thestaples.
You know the flour, the bread,you know the sugar, the salt,
the pepper, the ketchup, youknow that sort of stuff.
So they paid a little bittoward food and then we kept
them separate.
We had to really negotiate overspace in the refrigerator, but
(22:44):
that was probably the hardestthing kept them separate.
We had to really negotiate overspace in the refrigerator, but
that was probably the hardestthing having them here.
And so that's what we did.
I know we had friends who werein a similar situation and they
had their daughter pay a smallrent but that rent every month
went into a savings accountwhich when she moved out then
(23:06):
she could use for a firstdeposit or whatever, that's an
interesting way to go.
Yeah, but she had that feelingof every month.
It gave her practice of havingto say, every month I have to
set this amount aside, and soshe was in that habit by the
time she got her own apartment.
So there are lots of ways to doit, but I think you're right
(23:29):
Having that really importantconversation at the beginning
are you just going to be arenter or are you going to be a
member of the family?
Do you have responsibilitiesaround the house?
You know, am I going to ask youto drive siblings somewhere
sometime?
Or, um, you know when it, whenit snows, are you going to go
out and help a shovel or youknow whatever?
(23:50):
Yeah, um, I think thoseconversations early on, before
it becomes an issue why don'tyou ever help?
Speaker 3 (23:57):
well, because I'm paying your rent um is really
important you know, anotherthing to um be aware of is how
easy it is for us, as parents,to put our kids first and to
sacrifice our own you know, ourown lives, you know.
(24:18):
Back to this Thrivent survey,some of the data I thought was,
you know, interesting.
They found that 38% of theparents whose kids did come back
were struggling to pay offtheir own debt.
That was up from 23% last year.
(24:40):
So you know we have debt we'reworking on too, and this puts
things off.
Also, 38% of the parents saidthat they find it harder to save
up for retirement, and that'sup from 16% just the previous
year.
Those are huge jumps, yeah, so,and it makes sense that you know
(25:05):
that you put things on holdwhen your kids need you, and yet
step back.
What we're saying is step backand take a look at it and keep
your perspective.
One tip that I think is maybereally helpful is to find a
(25:26):
financial um uh, help, you knowsupport person, a financial
planner or somebody who, whounderstands um, who can step
back and see your story, youryour picture the bigger picture
help you figure this out.
It'll also help you put someguidelines on how long you can
handle this.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
It's really helpful to get some outside advice and
if you have a financial planneror you connect with one, it
might be a good idea to suggestthat your student meet with the
financial planner too and beginreally early on.
You know, I know.
You know when we were startingout when I was starting out and
(26:12):
then when we were first marriedwe weren't always making the
smartest financial decisions.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
I can tell you we did not.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
I said we weren't always like.
Most of the time we weren't,and boy, I think things would be
a little bit different if wehad been a little smarter early
on.
So if you're working with afinancial planner, just set your
student up and say you know,why not talk to this person?
And just begin.
You may or may not be able tostart setting a lot aside yet,
(26:42):
but you begin to understand howit all works and they can help
you think.
I think that's really reallygood advice.
And you know to add a couple ofthings.
I've already talked aboutcommunication and you talked
about communication.
So we agree on that and thatit's really important.
And and some of thoseconversations, um, about what
(27:05):
the house rules are going to beand what the expectations are,
and you know, even things likethat that are different from
high school can your studenthave guests?
Can can your student haveovernight guests?
Can your students have studenthave parties I just talking
about those things from theoutset keeps them a little bit
(27:26):
more objective.
And then one other that I thinkis really important, and I know
this from experience, not somuch with our daughters, but
actually with one of ourdaughter's roommates who came
home with her and lived with usfor a while, and that is at the
(27:47):
very beginning to have aconversation about an end date,
or at least set a date that youwill reevaluate how this is
going, so that it doesn't becomesomething that you say I don't
think this is working anymore.
Now how are we going to talkabout that?
But it just becomes automaticEvery six months or every year
(28:10):
or every three months, whateverfeels right to you.
You say we're going to sit downand just look at how things are
going.
Is it going the way we expected?
Are you making the progress youhad hoped?
Do you have any plans?
Do you have a job?
Whatever it is important totalk about, but you have a set
date every six months or everyyear, whatever it will be, makes
(28:33):
it so much easier.
Oh it's been six months.
It's time for us to sit downand just look at things Right.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
It's a re-evaluation and just look at things.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
Right, it's a re-evaluation.
Yeah, I think it helps everybodyin their thinking and just also
recognizing this is hard foryour student too.
It's so easy for both parentsand students to fall back into
all the old habits andrecognizing that your student is
now really more like a roommateand recognizing that your
(29:05):
student is now really more likea roommate, that they are an
adult and if you had a roommate,things like their bedroom would
be off limits or asking themwhere they're going or what
they're doing I mean, you have anatural interest, but really
walking that tightrope betweenbeing a parent but now being the
(29:27):
parent of an adult, it's a hardshift and, just as you know, we
talk a lot about when you go,when you send your student away
to college.
Your role shifts from caretakingto coaching and now this is
another shift in your parentingrole.
You're still a parent.
(29:48):
You're going to be a parent,you know forever but your role
shifts and so respecting theirprivacy and treating them a
little different, it's reallylike it's more of a lateral
thing rather than a hierarchicalthing.
It's not parents up here andthen your student is next rung
(30:09):
down on the ladder.
You're really more parallel.
So it's a mental shift foreverybody.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
You know, with every shift that happens, with
everything, in fact, that lifethrows at us, that may be
difficult.
There really are opportunities,and so I want to take a quick
look at some of the pluses ofthis situation.
You know, I see one plus islearning with your kids together
(30:43):
, and I'm thinking about moneyagain.
I keep going back to thefinancial piece, I think,
because you know, I know we'vemade some mistakes and we're
learning as adults.
You know more about how tomanage and so to share that
equally with your kids.
I mean, we now haveconversations with our kids
(31:05):
about budgeting and about how tosave money, about how to get
rid of debt, even about how toinvest money, but we're doing it
with our kids so we can behonest, we can have good
(31:25):
conversations.
It's not about us being theexpert and them being the
children.
So it's an opportunity to learntogether about something that
is really not often talked about.
You know, we had that podcastrecently about politics and
(31:46):
government and how that's atopic that isn't really talked
about with distance often, andfinances are the same kind of
thing that happens.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
I think when you do that and you're learning
together and you're goingthrough some of these things
together, it's a chance to talkabout values a chance to instill
some of that, not to say thisis how you need to do it,
because this is what's important, but it just comes up in
conversation and so there ismore of that role modeling and
(32:27):
that understanding.
Here's why we're making some ofthese decisions we're making,
here's what's important to us inlife, and it helps students and
parents explore those thingstogether and learning.
Not only are they are studentslearning from us, but we're
learning from them as well andand you know, I think it helps
(32:57):
us feel needed as parents thatyou know, if they graduate
college and they just go andthey move out.
I mean, one thing I read wasthat students and parents often
communicate like students whoare not living home.
Parents often communicate likestudents who are not living home
(33:20):
.
They communicate more after thestudent graduates from college
than they actually did incollege, because they may be
calling home for a little advicehow do I do this, how do I do
that or to share what'shappening in their life.
So it helps us when our studentsmove home, we feel we're
(33:42):
providing that safety net forthem, we're providing a sort of
a shelter and we're providing,you know, we're helping them get
on their feet and that helps usfeel needed as parents, that we
still have a job to do, andthat's a real positive outcome
of this whole thing.
And it also helps us get to knowour student as an adult in a
(34:10):
new way, not just to rememberwhat they were like in high
school, but living day to daywith them.
To remember what they were likein high school, but living day
to day with them.
You know, I think I know Ibegan to appreciate and
sometimes be kind of surprisedat what my daughters could do or
knew or how they went aboutthings.
And that was cool and one ofthe things when the one that
(34:32):
came home with her husband wegot to know our son-in-law in a
way.
I mean, in some ways we knowhim better than our other.
They're all married now, so youknow our other sons-in-law
because we lived with them dayto day and that was a positive
you know, you know.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
I think there are a lot of positives there too,
because I know for me, when oneof my sons came, kids dug out my
garden in the back, you know,and and did that like hardcore
work for me, which was which wasreally fun and gave them the
feeling that they werecontributing to the household of
them.
I get the best recommendationsfrom one of my sons on music and
(35:38):
books.
Oh my God, I'm up to datebecause he's telling me new
stuff that I would never.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
It actually keeps us younger because we learn a
little bit about their cultureand we hear a little bit.
Sometimes we hear their musicor what they know, what they're
watching or whatever.
But it also keeps us flexible,you know, when it's that empty
nest and it's just us and wekind of settle in to our routine
(36:05):
.
And now, you know, things wereshaken up a little bit.
So that's what makes us soyoung and spry and hip.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
And you know, I date myself by calling something hip
you know right there.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
But, yeah, it's easy to focus on the emotional
hardships and you know how toughit can be, but there are a lot
of really great things too.
Speaker 3 (36:32):
I think we want to talk about books too, I think we
want to talk about books.
Yeah, I think so.
We will be putting the names ofbooks in our show notes, but
I'd like to mention just maybeeven a few more.
So the two books that I'mthinking of that have just come
out recently and have a lot ofattention on them right now.
(36:57):
One of them I already mentioned, which is the Lauren Steinberg
you and your Adult Child how toGrow Together in Challenging
Times it's really, you know,just came out and it's good.
Another book and I had seenthis book plastered around a
bookstore I walked into, so it'sgetting a lot of press and it's
(37:19):
about mental health issues andthe name of the book is the
Anxious Generation how the GreatRewiring of Childhood is
Causing an Epidemic of MentalIllness.
And it's by Jonathan Haidt andit addresses some of the issues
that are going on present tensefor young adults, for emerging
(37:43):
adults.
Great information in there.
Speaker 2 (37:47):
Anxiety is really a big one.
I mean, that's a hot topic forall of us.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
And then one other book I want to just recommend.
It's an older book, 2018, andit is by Martin Seligman, called
the Hope Circuit.
It's one of the first books out.
I mean he was very involved inpositive, for you know the
(38:15):
importance of virtues likegratitude and hope and wisdom
and just good reminders for allof us right now.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Yeah, I think we could all use a little bit of
that.
That might be a book forparents and students even to
read together, to share um or tojust leave around.
And one of the advantages ofhaving them home is you know, if
you find something, you kind ofleave it around and they pick
it up and you never know.
(38:47):
Um, yeah, and I would just adda couple um.
I've already mentioned jeffreyarnett's book emerging adulthood
.
It's really a great way tounderstand this generation of
students.
And then another one that'sinteresting is called the.
It's been out a little whilebut the information doesn't
(39:09):
change and it's called theaccordion family.
If you think about an accordionthat you know that gets bigger
and smaller and bigger andsmaller.
So it's the accordion familyboomerang, kids, anxious parents
and the private toll of globalcompetition.
By Catherine S Newman.
Some of it explores a littlemore that sort of sociological
(39:36):
thing of what you were talkingabout earlier, lynn, of how
families exist in other placesaround the world, different
kinds of families and how theywork.
But then there's also a coupleof.
There are a couple of goodsections on.
You know, what do you do whenthese multi-generational
(39:57):
families, you know it kind ofgrows and changes.
So that's an interesting one ifpeople are really interested in
exploring this topic.
And the last one that I wouldmention is a book.
I mean parents might enjoy ittoo.
I learned a couple of things,but more a book to give to your
student and we had an interviewwith the author.
(40:19):
We'll put the link in the shownotes to the earlier interview
with Amanda Morin, who is theauthor of this book, and it's
called Adulting Made Easy andit's fun.
She's got a great sense ofhumor.
Your kids will like it, but it'sjust a lot of the things that
(40:40):
maybe nobody ever told you butthat you need when you're an
adult.
So if your student is home andgetting ready to go out into the
world, it's a great book, andif your student is going
straight from college to livingon their own, it's a super book.
And it's just little thingslike how do I know what kind of
fire extinguisher I should havein my apartment?
(41:01):
How do I register to vote?
You know how do I manage thissort of thing?
How do I fix a leaky toilet?
I mean just lots of things thatwe take for granted as things
in our adult lives, but writtenwith humor and short little
things.
Your kids will enjoy thatAdulting Made Easy by Amanda
(41:24):
Morin.
So we'll put all of those inthe show notes, because we
always like to talk about booksand some people like to take you
know.
Hopefully, we present someideas and people want to explore
them a little bit further, andthat's a good thing, so we hope
it's helpful.
If you have a student movinghome, if you have a student
(41:45):
graduating soon and moving home,you might want to think about
some of these things and if youdon't, if you're at a different
place in your parenting journey.
If you know somebody who mightfind this helpful or interesting
, please let them know aboutthis episode.
But about the podcast, the best, the best thing for us is word
(42:07):
of mouth sharing with otherpeople.
So if you know someone who mightbe interested in College Parent
Central website, which has youknow, I looked at the thing,
getting close to 900 articles onthat thing, on all of these
topics, and we're in our sixthseason of the podcast, so we've
(42:28):
got a bunch of episodes, too,for people to listen to.
So thanks for sticking with usto the end and we'll see you
next time.
See you later.
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
Whether your child is justbeginning the college admission
process or is already in college, this podcast is for you.
You'll find food for thoughtand information about college
and about navigating thatdelicate balance of guidance,
involvement and knowing when toget out of the way.
(00:31):
Join your hosts, vicki Nelsonand Lynn Abrahams, as they share
support and a celebration ofthe amazing child in college.
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Welcome to the College Parent Central podcast.
This is the podcast where wetalk about all of the things
that have to do with being theparent of a college student
being the parent of a highschool student who's thinking
about college or headed tocollege, and sometimes talking
about students who are no longerstudents, students who graduate
(01:10):
from college and are ready tomove on, because that's also
part of the college parentingjourney.
My name is Vicki Nelson and Iam a professor of communication
and I am also the mother ofthree daughters who have all
gone to college and come out theother side.
(01:31):
So I come to this topic fromtwo angles both as a
professional who works withstudents in the classroom every
day and I see what goes on withthem, and then also as a mom
who's lived the experience.
So it's lots of fun to talkabout college parenting, and I
(01:51):
am here, as I so often am, andso happy to be here, with my
friend and colleague, lynnAbrahams.
Speaker 3 (02:01):
Hi everybody.
Hi everybody, my name's LynnAbrahams and I am a learning
disability specialist.
I have worked with collegestudents for my whole career and
worked with their families, momof two sons who have gone to
(02:28):
college and gone out and madedecisions all about leaving and
going.
And they have come through tothe other side, and Vicki and I
met when our kids were justtalking about going to college
and we realized that we did notknow a lot about what was, and
we realized that we did not knowa lot about what was.
You know, even though we workedin a college environment.
The entire process was a bitoverwhelming and we also
(02:52):
realized that our roles werestill very, very important, but
they were different, and that'swhat really got us started in
doing workshops and this podcastas well.
So today we are going to talkabout parenting, but at a
(03:12):
slightly different stage.
We're going to be talking aboutthe students who leave and then
come back after college andcome back home, and that group
of students are often calledboomerang students, boomerang
young adults.
They go and they come backRight, so some of you are
(03:33):
getting ready just to let yourstudents go for the first time,
and we're here to remind youthat they may not go forever.
They may be back before they goagain.
So it's an important topic, Ithink, because the world has
changed a lot and more and morestudents need to come back after
(03:56):
college, and part of that isfinancial.
The world has changed.
It's just more expensive haschanged.
It's just more expensive, andthis is a phenomenon that's
growing.
Speaker 2 (04:10):
And I think it's important that we all realize
that it is a growing phenomenonand it's not just us.
Speaker 3 (04:22):
It does not mean that your kids are failures or that
we are failures, and so what wewould like to do is talk a
little bit about that, thattrend, and you know, eventually
we'd like to get to some tips onhow to act, how to actually go
through it with your kids, andboth Vicki and I have been in
that situation.
So we have a few tips,first-hand experience, and then
(04:44):
we also, of course, at the end,we'll have some books to
recommend, because that's whatwe do.
We are always looking at newmaterial out there.
So when I started looking atsome of the information out
there about this, I came upon asurvey that was created by
(05:07):
Thrivant, which is a Fortune 500financial services organization
, and for three years in a row,they have been sent out a survey
to Boomerang.
They call it the Boomerang KidsSurvey, and what they found was
that about 46% of parents saythat they've had their adult
(05:29):
child, their adult children,boomerang back home, and that's
up from 35% last year and that'sup we found some more
information about in 2017, 32%.
So this is something that iscurrent and growing.
Speaker 2 (05:50):
I find those numbers really I don't know shocking.
Maybe too strong a word, butreally surprising.
I mean that's nearly half ofthe kids who graduate from
college that end up moving backhome.
Talk about not being alone.
I mean it's right, it's huge.
Speaker 3 (06:09):
And and one reason I I was drawn to this topic too
was because of my own kids, andI've seen that how expensive it
is out there for them to to findapartments, and you know buying
homes is really expensive.
You know my younger son is isthinking about moving from one
apartment to another, and whatthat means is first month's rent
(06:33):
, last month's rent, deposit.
All that adds up to a chunk ofmoney that a lot of kids just
don't have, um, especially whenthey're just starting out.
So this is, I see it happening.
You know it's a lot of money,it is.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
And because students you know in college may not be
thinking too much about how thatworks.
They could look at an apartmentthat you know rent is $2,000 a
month or you know, fill inwhatever number in whatever
region you live and say, okay, Ican manage that, but then not
(07:13):
thinking about, but to start, Ineed that deposit.
I need, first and last and youknow so now what they're talking
about $6,000 to start at thesame time that they are starting
to pay their college loans andall of that.
So, it's huge and you knowthere's beyond the financial,
(07:38):
which is huge and most studentsand parents, I think, say you
know the main reason that theymove home is financial.
But I think this is also partof that sort of another trend
which we've talked about andread about before and that is
this emerging adulthoodgeneration.
(08:01):
And this was a theory byJeffrey Arnett and he wrote a
book we'll list all these booksin the show notes called
Emerging Adult and he identifiedthis age between 18 and 27.
That goes up pretty high 27 is,you know, they're out of school
for a while and he's sayingthat this is a a stage of
(08:25):
development now which he callsemerging adulthood, where
they're not an adolescentanymore.
They're certainly beyond that,but they're not really an adult.
And he gives all thecharacteristics about it but the
the fact that that they reallystill are in this in-between
stage, um up, you know, 26, 27years old, and that adulthood is
(08:51):
now really more a kind of afeeling and a process that they
sort of grow into, rather than Ithink previous generations
often saw this with strictmilestones.
You graduate from college, youare an adult.
You get a job, you are an adult.
You get married, you are anadult.
(09:11):
And now the generation issaying well, you know, I may be
hitting those milestones, but Istill don't exactly feel like an
adult.
I think there was a quote inanother book I can talk about it
a little later called theAccordion Family, and someone
who said well, I'm not an adultyet, though I'm now becoming it.
(09:35):
And this idea of gradualbecoming, and as part of this,
this generation is reallypostponing things like marriage
till a lot later.
So the financial part is huge,but it's not the only one.
So even students who can affordperhaps to move out might
(10:00):
choose not to.
Speaker 3 (10:02):
It's a developmental stage that is elongated.
It's definitely longer than itthan it has been Um.
So this um, this trend, um isuh.
You know there are a lot ofcomplicated feelings attached to
this Um.
You know, there some parentsare feeling, um, like it's a
(10:24):
it's a bad thing when their kidscome back, and some kids, some
parents, are feeling like it's abad thing when their kids come
back, and some parents arefeeling proud that they can help
their kids in the process.
I read one article from a manwho was talking about his son
and saying that his son cameback three times before he
(10:44):
finally left.
I know how that is, yeah Right.
And he says, you know, what hesays is that the support that
his son received allowed them to, you know, graduate from
college without a huge debt andallowed his son to save up money
(11:06):
to get his first home, whichmight be out of reach totally
for so many kids and I know,vicki, you went through that.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Yeah, I've lived that .
So I have three daughters andall of them moved home for a
while after they graduated fromcollege.
Well, they sort of got theirfeet under them, got a job and
all of that.
And then one of our daughtersso she moved home after college.
She was here for a year or soand then she moved out and was
(11:35):
on her own for a little while,and then she moved back and then
was home for a little while,and then she moved out and then
got married and they had anapartment for a while.
And then they came to us andsaid we know we are never going
to be able to buy a house atthis rate because we're paying
(11:58):
this rent and there's not a lotleft over.
If we could move back in withyou for a little while, we think
we could make this happen andsave up.
And so she moved back againthis was the third time with a
husband and a dog, so life was alittle bit different.
But it was exactly what theyneeded to do and they were here
(12:19):
for a while and saved up andwere able to do that.
So it made it happen.
Speaker 3 (12:26):
And I think that, again, part of why we're talking
about this is to normalize it.
You know there are messagesthat we're getting out there
that tell us that this is a badthing.
And you know, I found you knowI, I found this a book that is
(12:47):
very popular, um, and it'scalled um failure to launch, why
you're 20 something hasn'tgrown up by Mark McConville, who
is a clinical psychologist fromOhio, and there's some, you
know, really good stuff in thatbook, but the title wrinkles.
You know good stuff in thatbook, but the title wrinkles.
You know it bothers me becauseit the assumption is it's a
(13:09):
failure, totally, it's a failurefor your, your kids, and it's a
failure for you, um, and Idon't think it's that clear-cut,
I think it's more complicatedthan that I'm with you.
Speaker 2 (13:19):
I'm not liking that title, uh, because and it not
only that it has failure, butit's like what we want to do is
just launch them.
Let's just get them out intothe world, ready or not.
Here they come.
But there's another thing thatthat title makes me think about,
and that is that, yes, a lot,maybe even the majority of
(13:45):
students are coming home becausefinancial reasons or practical
things like that.
But I think there are somestudents who need to need really
to move home after collegebecause they aren't yet ready to
live on their own.
They really do need a littlemore time, a little more
(14:05):
maturity, a little morementoring, a little more role
modeling, so they may need alittle more help getting some of
the life skills and it providesthat opportunity.
So it just keeps expanding allof the reasons why students need
to move back home.
Speaker 3 (14:28):
And we really don't know how to do it.
I mean it's, you know, justlike parenting in general.
You know I, so much of it issort of you know, you figure it
out as you do it, and and wereally don't know how to do this
in a way that supports our kidsgrowth into independence.
And you know it, independenceit's difficult to do that.
Another book that I've bumpedinto that I am really interested
(14:56):
by is a book called you andyour Adult Child how to Grow
Together in Challenging Times byLauren Steinberg, and I know
you have this book and I want toborrow it.
I do.
But one of the things he saysin the book is you know, nobody
knows what the rules are andnobody knows how to do this well
(15:18):
, and that's true.
We don't have a lot ofexperience behind us to draw on
sort of inherited experience toshow us how to parent in this
way.
Speaker 2 (15:31):
We didn't do that.
Majority of us didn't move home.
So it was more commonpreviously that you graduated
from college and you moved outon your own because it wasn't as
hard financially.
And it was what you did and Iknow you've talked to Lynn about
(15:55):
.
Well, I lived with threeroommates to make it happen and
we did a lot of that.
But it means we haven'texperienced moving back into our
parents' homes.
So we have nothing to model, wehave nothing to follow to say,
oh, this is how it worked when Imoved home and so we're
(16:20):
inventing it as we go along.
Speaker 3 (16:22):
Right, you know, when working as a learning
specialist, I had the honoractually to work with many
students from around the world.
I worked with a lot ofinternational students and I got
to see that although this isnot the norm in America, it is
(16:42):
the norm in many countries andyou know I know a lot of
students from Europe, from Asiancountries.
You know that was the norm.
They go back home and in ourcountry we tend to value
independence, you know, we valuedoing it on your own and I kind
(17:05):
of hope that changes just alittle bit as and some changes
in our culture perhaps we'realso seeing more
(17:29):
multi-generational families.
Speaker 2 (17:31):
So it's not just the kids are coming home, but you've
got the grandparents sometimes,which again is so common in so
many countries around the world.
So maybe we're just getting instep a little bit with what some
other countries do.
But you know, because it's sonew and we're inventing it as we
(17:52):
go along, it can be hard andthere are other emotional things
to deal with.
I think perhaps you know thatonce we've gotten used to the
empty nest and we talk so muchabout empty nesters and you know
it's going to be hard when ourkids leave home and go to
(18:13):
college and we're going to havethe empty nest.
But four years later we mayhave actually gotten quite used
to the empty nest and it feelspretty good.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
I've actually gotten quite used to the empty nest and
it feels pretty good.
Speaker 2 (18:25):
It's quiet, it's you know, things aren't all over the
house, that you haven't put allover the house and you get to
come and go as you want.
I mean, there's some thingsthat we've gotten used to and
(18:45):
then your student comes homeagain.
It disrupts all of that and forsome families it may even mean
having to postpone some of theirlife plans.
Perhaps they were beginning toget ready to downsize and now
they can't do that because theirstudent is back home or
possibly retirement or travel,whatever, who knows.
But it's disruptive to ourlives as well.
(19:08):
I mean, it can be good and wewant to talk about some of the
positives, but we need to beready for the fact that it may
disrupt our lives a little bit.
Speaker 3 (19:19):
Right.
So if this is happening to youor you want to prepare a little
more for when it happens or whenit happens.
um, we do have some ideas abouthow to make it run a little bit
smoother.
Um one, um.
One thing I I think is reallyimportant.
(19:41):
Well, I think the biggest thingis to sit down and have
conversation about how it'sgoing to work, because it needs
to be clear.
You know your kids are adultsand they have changed.
They left and now they'recoming back.
They're different and you'redifferent.
So to have a conversation abouthow it's going to work is
(20:03):
crucial.
So to have a conversation abouthow it's going to work is
crucial.
You may want to have adiscussion about whether your
kids are going to contributefinancially to the running of
the household or not justfinancially.
How they're going to contributeto the household, you know, are
they going to be required to dosome chores?
Are they going to, you know,are they going to pay rent?
(20:26):
Are they going to contribute tofood shopping?
Sometimes some people would saythat having kids contribute is
a way to acknowledge theiradulthood and help them feel
that they are roommates ratherthan you know, just your kids,
(20:49):
and that can be helpful or not.
Speaker 2 (20:52):
I think that's really important, because if they just
come home and they're you knowI want to say freeloading, just
living home.
it's just so easy then to fallback into that high school
mentality.
And so to help them continue tofeel as an adult, even if
they're moving home because offinancial reasons.
(21:15):
I mean, it seems almost acontradiction my kid's moving
home because they want to saveup for an apartment or a house
or whatever, but yet I'm askingthem to pay some money.
But I think it does help themfeel.
You know that this is adifferent stage of life and
(21:35):
there are different ways to dothat.
I know again.
You know our experience when mydaughter and her husband and dog
came home.
We had a dog at the time tooand they didn't like each other.
So we lived with a lot of gatesaround our house for a little
while, but that's okay, wemanaged.
But we asked them to pay usessentially what it cost us to
(22:02):
have them here.
So that was increased water use, you know, a little bit toward
the water bill, the electricbill, not so much the heat,
because we had to heat the housewhether they were here or not,
but some of those life expenses,utility bills.
And then we cooked separatelyagain so that we could feel a
(22:22):
little different.
You know we were one family butwe were two families.
But I bought a lot of thestaples.
You know the flour, the bread,you know the sugar, the salt,
the pepper, the ketchup, youknow that sort of stuff.
So they paid a little bittoward food and then we kept
them separate.
We had to really negotiate overspace in the refrigerator, but
(22:44):
that was probably the hardestthing kept them separate.
We had to really negotiate overspace in the refrigerator, but
that was probably the hardestthing having them here.
And so that's what we did.
I know we had friends who werein a similar situation and they
had their daughter pay a smallrent but that rent every month
went into a savings accountwhich when she moved out then
(23:06):
she could use for a firstdeposit or whatever, that's an
interesting way to go.
Yeah, but she had that feelingof every month.
It gave her practice of havingto say, every month I have to
set this amount aside, and soshe was in that habit by the
time she got her own apartment.
So there are lots of ways to doit, but I think you're right
(23:29):
Having that really importantconversation at the beginning
are you just going to be arenter or are you going to be a
member of the family?
Do you have responsibilitiesaround the house?
You know, am I going to ask youto drive siblings somewhere
sometime?
Or, um, you know when it, whenit snows, are you going to go
out and help a shovel or youknow whatever?
(23:50):
Yeah, um, I think thoseconversations early on, before
it becomes an issue why don'tyou ever help?
Speaker 3 (23:57):
well, because I'm paying your rent um is really
important you know, anotherthing to um be aware of is how
easy it is for us, as parents,to put our kids first and to
sacrifice our own you know, ourown lives, you know.
(24:18):
Back to this Thrivent survey,some of the data I thought was,
you know, interesting.
They found that 38% of theparents whose kids did come back
were struggling to pay offtheir own debt.
That was up from 23% last year.
(24:40):
So you know we have debt we'reworking on too, and this puts
things off.
Also, 38% of the parents saidthat they find it harder to save
up for retirement, and that'sup from 16% just the previous
year.
Those are huge jumps, yeah, so,and it makes sense that you know
(25:05):
that you put things on holdwhen your kids need you, and yet
step back.
What we're saying is step backand take a look at it and keep
your perspective.
One tip that I think is maybereally helpful is to find a
(25:26):
financial um uh, help, you knowsupport person, a financial
planner or somebody who, whounderstands um, who can step
back and see your story, youryour picture the bigger picture
help you figure this out.
It'll also help you put someguidelines on how long you can
handle this.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
It's really helpful to get some outside advice and
if you have a financial planneror you connect with one, it
might be a good idea to suggestthat your student meet with the
financial planner too and beginreally early on.
You know, I know.
You know when we were startingout when I was starting out and
(26:12):
then when we were first marriedwe weren't always making the
smartest financial decisions.
Speaker 3 (26:17):
I can tell you we did not.
Yes.
Speaker 2 (26:21):
I said we weren't always like.
Most of the time we weren't,and boy, I think things would be
a little bit different if wehad been a little smarter early
on.
So if you're working with afinancial planner, just set your
student up and say you know,why not talk to this person?
And just begin.
You may or may not be able tostart setting a lot aside yet,
(26:42):
but you begin to understand howit all works and they can help
you think.
I think that's really reallygood advice.
And you know to add a couple ofthings.
I've already talked aboutcommunication and you talked
about communication.
So we agree on that and thatit's really important.
And and some of thoseconversations, um, about what
(27:05):
the house rules are going to beand what the expectations are,
and you know, even things likethat that are different from
high school can your studenthave guests?
Can can your student haveovernight guests?
Can your students have studenthave parties I just talking
about those things from theoutset keeps them a little bit
(27:26):
more objective.
And then one other that I thinkis really important, and I know
this from experience, not somuch with our daughters, but
actually with one of ourdaughter's roommates who came
home with her and lived with usfor a while, and that is at the
(27:47):
very beginning to have aconversation about an end date,
or at least set a date that youwill reevaluate how this is
going, so that it doesn't becomesomething that you say I don't
think this is working anymore.
Now how are we going to talkabout that?
But it just becomes automaticEvery six months or every year
(28:10):
or every three months, whateverfeels right to you.
You say we're going to sit downand just look at how things are
going.
Is it going the way we expected?
Are you making the progress youhad hoped?
Do you have any plans?
Do you have a job?
Whatever it is important totalk about, but you have a set
date every six months or everyyear, whatever it will be, makes
(28:33):
it so much easier.
Oh it's been six months.
It's time for us to sit downand just look at things Right.
Speaker 3 (28:42):
It's a re-evaluation and just look at things.
Speaker 2 (28:44):
Right, it's a re-evaluation.
Yeah, I think it helps everybodyin their thinking and just also
recognizing this is hard foryour student too.
It's so easy for both parentsand students to fall back into
all the old habits andrecognizing that your student is
now really more like a roommateand recognizing that your
(29:05):
student is now really more likea roommate, that they are an
adult and if you had a roommate,things like their bedroom would
be off limits or asking themwhere they're going or what
they're doing I mean, you have anatural interest, but really
walking that tightrope betweenbeing a parent but now being the
(29:27):
parent of an adult, it's a hardshift and, just as you know, we
talk a lot about when you go,when you send your student away
to college.
Your role shifts from caretakingto coaching and now this is
another shift in your parentingrole.
You're still a parent.
(29:48):
You're going to be a parent,you know forever but your role
shifts and so respecting theirprivacy and treating them a
little different, it's reallylike it's more of a lateral
thing rather than a hierarchicalthing.
It's not parents up here andthen your student is next rung
(30:09):
down on the ladder.
You're really more parallel.
So it's a mental shift foreverybody.
Speaker 3 (30:18):
You know, with every shift that happens, with
everything, in fact, that lifethrows at us, that may be
difficult.
There really are opportunities,and so I want to take a quick
look at some of the pluses ofthis situation.
You know, I see one plus islearning with your kids together
(30:43):
, and I'm thinking about moneyagain.
I keep going back to thefinancial piece, I think,
because you know, I know we'vemade some mistakes and we're
learning as adults.
You know more about how tomanage and so to share that
equally with your kids.
I mean, we now haveconversations with our kids
(31:05):
about budgeting and about how tosave money, about how to get
rid of debt, even about how toinvest money, but we're doing it
with our kids so we can behonest, we can have good
(31:25):
conversations.
It's not about us being theexpert and them being the
children.
So it's an opportunity to learntogether about something that
is really not often talked about.
You know, we had that podcastrecently about politics and
(31:46):
government and how that's atopic that isn't really talked
about with distance often, andfinances are the same kind of
thing that happens.
Speaker 2 (32:05):
I think when you do that and you're learning
together and you're goingthrough some of these things
together, it's a chance to talkabout values a chance to instill
some of that, not to say thisis how you need to do it,
because this is what's important, but it just comes up in
conversation and so there ismore of that role modeling and
(32:27):
that understanding.
Here's why we're making some ofthese decisions we're making,
here's what's important to us inlife, and it helps students and
parents explore those thingstogether and learning.
Not only are they are studentslearning from us, but we're
learning from them as well andand you know, I think it helps
(32:57):
us feel needed as parents thatyou know, if they graduate
college and they just go andthey move out.
I mean, one thing I read wasthat students and parents often
communicate like students whoare not living home.
Parents often communicate likestudents who are not living home
(33:20):
.
They communicate more after thestudent graduates from college
than they actually did incollege, because they may be
calling home for a little advicehow do I do this, how do I do
that or to share what'shappening in their life.
So it helps us when our studentsmove home, we feel we're
(33:42):
providing that safety net forthem, we're providing a sort of
a shelter and we're providing,you know, we're helping them get
on their feet and that helps usfeel needed as parents, that we
still have a job to do, andthat's a real positive outcome
of this whole thing.
And it also helps us get to knowour student as an adult in a
(34:10):
new way, not just to rememberwhat they were like in high
school, but living day to daywith them.
To remember what they were likein high school, but living day
to day with them.
You know, I think I know Ibegan to appreciate and
sometimes be kind of surprisedat what my daughters could do or
knew or how they went aboutthings.
And that was cool and one ofthe things when the one that
(34:32):
came home with her husband wegot to know our son-in-law in a
way.
I mean, in some ways we knowhim better than our other.
They're all married now, so youknow our other sons-in-law
because we lived with them dayto day and that was a positive
you know, you know.
Speaker 3 (35:14):
I think there are a lot of positives there too,
because I know for me, when oneof my sons came, kids dug out my
garden in the back, you know,and and did that like hardcore
work for me, which was which wasreally fun and gave them the
feeling that they werecontributing to the household of
them.
I get the best recommendationsfrom one of my sons on music and
(35:38):
books.
Oh my God, I'm up to datebecause he's telling me new
stuff that I would never.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
It actually keeps us younger because we learn a
little bit about their cultureand we hear a little bit.
Sometimes we hear their musicor what they know, what they're
watching or whatever.
But it also keeps us flexible,you know, when it's that empty
nest and it's just us and wekind of settle in to our routine
(36:05):
.
And now, you know, things wereshaken up a little bit.
So that's what makes us soyoung and spry and hip.
Speaker 1 (36:14):
And you know, I date myself by calling something hip
you know right there.
Speaker 2 (36:20):
But, yeah, it's easy to focus on the emotional
hardships and you know how toughit can be, but there are a lot
of really great things too.
Speaker 3 (36:32):
I think we want to talk about books too, I think we
want to talk about books.
Yeah, I think so.
We will be putting the names ofbooks in our show notes, but
I'd like to mention just maybeeven a few more.
So the two books that I'mthinking of that have just come
out recently and have a lot ofattention on them right now.
(36:57):
One of them I already mentioned, which is the Lauren Steinberg
you and your Adult Child how toGrow Together in Challenging
Times it's really, you know,just came out and it's good.
Another book and I had seenthis book plastered around a
bookstore I walked into, so it'sgetting a lot of press and it's
(37:19):
about mental health issues andthe name of the book is the
Anxious Generation how the GreatRewiring of Childhood is
Causing an Epidemic of MentalIllness.
And it's by Jonathan Haidt andit addresses some of the issues
that are going on present tensefor young adults, for emerging
(37:43):
adults.
Great information in there.
Speaker 2 (37:47):
Anxiety is really a big one.
I mean, that's a hot topic forall of us.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
And then one other book I want to just recommend.
It's an older book, 2018, andit is by Martin Seligman, called
the Hope Circuit.
It's one of the first books out.
I mean he was very involved inpositive, for you know the
(38:15):
importance of virtues likegratitude and hope and wisdom
and just good reminders for allof us right now.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Yeah, I think we could all use a little bit of
that.
That might be a book forparents and students even to
read together, to share um or tojust leave around.
And one of the advantages ofhaving them home is you know, if
you find something, you kind ofleave it around and they pick
it up and you never know.
(38:47):
Um, yeah, and I would just adda couple um.
I've already mentioned jeffreyarnett's book emerging adulthood
.
It's really a great way tounderstand this generation of
students.
And then another one that'sinteresting is called the.
It's been out a little whilebut the information doesn't
(39:09):
change and it's called theaccordion family.
If you think about an accordionthat you know that gets bigger
and smaller and bigger andsmaller.
So it's the accordion familyboomerang, kids, anxious parents
and the private toll of globalcompetition.
By Catherine S Newman.
Some of it explores a littlemore that sort of sociological
(39:36):
thing of what you were talkingabout earlier, lynn, of how
families exist in other placesaround the world, different
kinds of families and how theywork.
But then there's also a coupleof.
There are a couple of goodsections on.
You know, what do you do whenthese multi-generational
(39:57):
families, you know it kind ofgrows and changes.
So that's an interesting one ifpeople are really interested in
exploring this topic.
And the last one that I wouldmention is a book.
I mean parents might enjoy ittoo.
I learned a couple of things,but more a book to give to your
student and we had an interviewwith the author.
(40:19):
We'll put the link in the shownotes to the earlier interview
with Amanda Morin, who is theauthor of this book, and it's
called Adulting Made Easy andit's fun.
She's got a great sense ofhumor.
Your kids will like it, but it'sjust a lot of the things that
(40:40):
maybe nobody ever told you butthat you need when you're an
adult.
So if your student is home andgetting ready to go out into the
world, it's a great book, andif your student is going
straight from college to livingon their own, it's a super book.
And it's just little thingslike how do I know what kind of
fire extinguisher I should havein my apartment?
(41:01):
How do I register to vote?
You know how do I manage thissort of thing?
How do I fix a leaky toilet?
I mean just lots of things thatwe take for granted as things
in our adult lives, but writtenwith humor and short little
things.
Your kids will enjoy thatAdulting Made Easy by Amanda
(41:24):
Morin.
So we'll put all of those inthe show notes, because we
always like to talk about booksand some people like to take you
know.
Hopefully, we present someideas and people want to explore
them a little bit further, andthat's a good thing, so we hope
it's helpful.
If you have a student movinghome, if you have a student
(41:45):
graduating soon and moving home,you might want to think about
some of these things and if youdon't, if you're at a different
place in your parenting journey.
If you know somebody who mightfind this helpful or interesting
, please let them know aboutthis episode.
But about the podcast, the best, the best thing for us is word
(42:07):
of mouth sharing with otherpeople.
So if you know someone who mightbe interested in College Parent
Central website, which has youknow, I looked at the thing,
getting close to 900 articles onthat thing, on all of these
topics, and we're in our sixthseason of the podcast, so we've
(42:28):
got a bunch of episodes, too,for people to listen to.
So thanks for sticking with usto the end and we'll see you
next time.
See you later.
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