February 27, 2024 • 43 mins
Dive into the raw realities of motherhood and career balancing. We tackle the fears and uncertainties while working to, unsubscribe from the expectations of being a mom or future mom. From the pressures of societal expectations to the personal journey of uncovering your fulfillment, let's dive in together. Join us as we peel back the layers of our deepest desires, finding the courage to honor our true feelings while pursuing our professional passions. Let's get ready to be "Emotionally Uncomfortable" as we redefine parenting and fulfillment.
Heather's IG:
@heatherchauvin
Emotionally Uncomfortable's IG:
@eu_podcasts
www.heatherchauvin.com
Listen to Emotionally Uncomfortable Podcast
Heather Chauvin is a Leadership Coach who helps ‘successful’ women courageously and authentically live, work, and parent on their own terms.
After stage 4 cancer in 2013, she had to figure out how to feel alive while building a business and raising 3 boys. That's when Energetic Time Management was born.
Her background in child development and Social Work has helped her deeply understand human behavior which has translated into helping women be seen, heard and understood at home and at work.
Heather is a TEDx Speaker, Author of Dying To Be A Good Mother, and host of a highly loved Podcast “Emotionally Uncomfortable” with almost 9 million downloads.
You can watch the full episodes on our Youtube
Youtube - Confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s TikTok:
@wannabeitgirlpodcast
Confessions of A Wannabe It Girl’s IG:
@confessionsofawannabeitgirl
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi guys and welcome back to the show.
We are here to help you filterout the BS and become your own
Ickrel.
In this episode, we are divinginto potentially, the scary
world of becoming a parent.
Maybe it's not so scary for you, but I think that, as women,
often it has felt like you mighthave to choose between having a
(00:20):
career or becoming a parent,and I got a lot of questions
about what it's like to be aparent, how to manage it all,
how to have this entrepreneurialdream career while also still
showing up as a good mom.
There's a lot of expectationsaround becoming a mother and I
think that this episode isreally going to ease your mind
(00:42):
about how to unsubscribe fromthose expectations that are set
on us.
We are joined by Heather.
Heather is a mom of three, astage four cancer survivor and
the author of Dying to Be a GoodMother and host of the podcast
Emotionally Uncomfortable,focusing on parenting as well as
attracting profits and growingas a leader, she proudly works
(01:03):
to help women feel successful athome and in their work.
Guys, I had a lot of quartersall going into this episode and
Heather really helped to ease mymind about what it means to be
a parent and how to handle it,and I really hope this episode
can help you do the same.
Welcome to Confessions of a Wantto Be it Girl.
(01:24):
I'm your host, marley Fraging,and I'm here to help you filter
out all the bullshit and becomethe next it Girl.
This podcast explores thereality of what it really takes
to make it out there.
As it turns out, it is way lessInstagramable than I thought it
was going to be.
I'm still very much a work inprogress, but there's simply
nothing else I'd rather be doingthan chasing my dreams.
(01:45):
So let's learn from my mistakesand work together to achieve
our dreams with more confidence,clarity and direction.
Let's get after it.
Hi Heather, thank you so muchfor joining us here today.
I'm excited.
I'm also very excited.
I'm so excited to talk to youbecause we are talking to an
(02:05):
audience of women who might notyet be moms, yet might be a
little nervous to become parents.
We're talking about careerfocus, still want to have a
career, don't know how to handlethe ideas, what to prepare for
becoming a parent, and you aresomebody who is so about that
(02:26):
it's not just about the parentand it's not just about the kid
while being someone who is likeI want women to be successful at
home and in their work, so Ijust think you are the perfect
person to talk to about this.
So I want to dive into the fearitself of becoming a parent.
There's a lot of fear there, socan we really have it all?
(02:50):
Can we have that?
It grill, instagram, mom lifeand have a career and all of
those things?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Well, I think we see the life that we think we want,
and I've had the privilege ofseeing behind the scenes of a
lot of those Instagram lives andrealize that there's a facade,
there's a mask of the picture ofwhat they think they want, and
one of the kind of sayings orquotes that have really
(03:20):
transformed my own life and myjourney and I can get a little
more into that is.
It was from Danielle LaPorte andher book came out like over a
decade ago, one of her books,which was called the Desire Map,
and my biggest takeaway fromthat book was it's not the thing
you want, it's the feeling.
And so we see these Instagramlives or whatever, when people
(03:43):
are saying I want to have it alland I'm like but what does that
represent for you?
And it's always the feelinglike, always is the goal.
You achieve the goal and thenyou're like oh, that's not what
I thought it would be, becausewe are always after a feeling
and I'm the type of person whereit's like have the desire, have
the goal, but don't lose sightof how you want to feel at the
(04:06):
end result.
And then learn how toconsciously create that every
single day, in the moment.
And I can get more into that,but that's really what we're
after.
We're all about feelings, notthings.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
We're all about the feelings, not things.
It's a good way to put it.
And because we put so muchsocietal pressure on having a
career, giving a self worth, Ithink a lot of people women
mainly, but won't exclude anyoneby saying that having career or
being career focused, we can bescared to be written off just
(04:39):
because you're so career focusedand then you find out you are
pregnant or you're expecting oryou want to have kids.
How would you not have peoplewrite you off in the workplace
just because you want to be aparent?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yeah.
So I'm going to tell a personalstory.
So one I became a mom reallyyoung and so I didn't have the
privilege or the opportunity tolike grow a career and then add
on parenting.
So there's a blessing and acurse there, right, and so the
blessing of that was I didn'thave that fear.
But there's other aspects of mylife where I could like see it
(05:16):
coming and I'm like, oh my gosh,that's going to be so scary.
And then you take the leap andyou get on the other side and
it's incredibly different.
So my approach is I?
Actually there's two thingshere.
One is we have to be incrediblymindful to not self-abandon.
My book Dying to Be a GoodMother is on the premise like
(05:39):
regardless if you are a motheror not, is the premise that as
women, we are taught that weneed to be good for other people
and we need to essentiallyself-abandon parts of ourselves
to be good in that role.
And I remember when I was I wasa young parent, but like I have
three boys they're actually 19,they keep changing their ages
(06:02):
19, 14 and 11, and I was 18 whenI had my oldest child and I
think it was about my middle sonwhen I was kind of like
battling with that of I wanna bewith my children, but I also
wanna like go after my goals,like I wanna make an impact in
the world, I wanna start abusiness, I want to do the thing
(06:24):
, and I could feel myselfwrestling with that.
And it wasn't about having itall.
It was about creating my way inthat season of my life in an
incredibly sustainable way.
Cause I think the one thingpeople wildly underestimate is
how stepping into that nurturerole, that mothering role,
actually changes your identity,and that's something you cannot
(06:47):
prepare for.
Like you become a differentperson and your instincts kick
in, like I've heard this from somany people.
They're like I was doing allthe things, I was going after it
and then all of a sudden I waslike I don't want that anymore,
and so there's different kind ofdifferent things you desire in
different seasons, but I thinkwe need to look on desire and
(07:08):
not external goals.
I also have a lot of friends whodo not have children and have
no desire to have children, andthen some that don't have
children and have a desire tohave children but don't have
them yet, and I'm like you needto pay attention to desire.
So what is the desire?
(07:28):
And when we lean into desireinstead of goals and what we
think society tells us we needto be, we can live for the
moment every single day and go.
What does this look like for me, instead of trying to seek that
externally?
It's a very different way tothink about how we should show
(07:48):
up in the world, because I don'twanna neglect parts of myself,
but there are definite momentswhere you need to not
necessarily sacrifice yourselfor abandon yourself, but honor,
like I wanna give back, like oneof going back to that moment
when I was like wrestling withboth.
(08:09):
I remember feeling like, okay,I need to have childcare to so I
can feed this part of myself,because I could see that if I
didn't feed that part of myself,I was yelling and I was angry
and I was resentful and I'm likemy children don't deserve that
type of mother.
And then I would have peoplesay you shouldn't be doing this.
(08:31):
But internally I knew that thatwhat was best for me and my
children, and so I don't thinkit's a this or that.
I think it's coming back tolike what do I need to feel
fulfilled?
And that's where people kind offind that alignment, I call it.
I don't believe in balance.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I love that you're pointing out that if you didn't
do this thing it could reallystart to affect how you were
already showing up as a mom.
By not going after what youneeded to do, kind of like
putting I always talk aboutputting your oxygen mask on
first Like if you aren't showingup like how you wanna be, how
on earth can you take care oflike a little thing that is in
(09:12):
your life and you love and care?
But I always think it's worseto ignore that part of yourself
and then be like well, societythinks if I go after ambitious
career goals and I'm notwatching my kids, that's gonna
do more damage.
And really by you not goingafter your career goals are you
(09:33):
doing more damage to yourselfand your mothering experience
and all the things.
So I wanna talk a little bitabout this desire you're talking
about.
Say you do desire to be aparent and you're in this career
.
How do you start to look atyour life, about how to prepare
for it?
Like what are the things youneed to change?
(09:56):
Or what are those conversationsyou have with your partner or
your work?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
environment.
How does that look?
I think sometimes we wanna Ithink we live in a culture right
now that wants to prepare andbe like over prepared, which
comes from like a perfectionistenergy, and then life is gonna
show you exactly what you needto focus on and I think
relationships are the biggestjudge, like the biggest, like
(10:22):
mirror right, like there is noperfection in relationships and
it could be like a parent, child, you partner, you, someone else
, and so I am all about reverseengineering how you wanna feel,
like if you can't, if you're notlooking at the visual of this
podcast, I have a hat on and itsays how do you want to feel?
And part of that is like thatis my North Star and that goes
(10:47):
back to huge part of my journey.
But 10 years ago I wasdiagnosed with a stage four
cancer.
It's a huge part of my message,which is how did I get to that
point?
It wasn't just like one day Iwoke up and I was like, oh my
gosh, I have cancer.
Like that's how society treatsit as like where did this
disease come from?
And it's like no, no, no, no,no, no, no.
(11:09):
There's so many things thatwe're doing that is like neglect
and barely scraping by on aphysical level is the
expectation Like if you actuallydo put your oxygen mask on,
you're being selfish, and I haveunsubscribed from that a long
(11:30):
time ago, and so when I kind ofhad my health crisis, I got to a
point where I was reading allthe books and doing all the
things and, like I said, youknow, the whole Dingyellaport
Desire Map was it's not thething you're after, it's the
feeling.
And so I started living my lifevery differently.
Something I developed calledenergetic time management, which
(11:52):
is essentially putting yourselfon the calendar first, but it's
through desire, and so I'llgive everyone like my exercise
right now, because it's verypractical and tangible.
I took a journal prompt.
Wouldn't it be nice if and I'mnot asking you what do you want
that can feel very like you knowconfronting to people it was
(12:13):
what do you dislike?
Wouldn't it be nice if, likemagic wand, and we know what we
don't want, like we know what wewant to stop in our lives?
So if you're like I don't know,it could be negative.
Wouldn't it be nice if I wasn'tangry all the time?
Wouldn't it be nice if I,whatever you just dump it out
and it can either be like, inthe positive or the negative,
what you want or what you don'twant, but you're literally
(12:33):
writing out your desires and ifyou look at the person next to
you, their list is gonna lookvery different, very, very
different.
But everything that you want isa feeling.
So wouldn't it be nice if Ididn't have to work anymore?
Wouldn't it be nice if I couldhave a month off?
Wouldn't it be nice if I wasdoing work that I love?
Wouldn't it be nice if,whatever it is, ask yourself
(12:55):
what is the feeling that I'mafter and then put the feeling
words next to those desires andyou're gonna see something
called core desired feelings.
That's what Daniel LaPortecalls it, but it's like the
common denominator.
No one ever says, oh, I wannachronically feel like shit, I
wanna be overwhelmed, depleted,angry, frustrated, burnt out.
Nobody, nobody is ever going tosay that, and your word might
(13:19):
change, but I want you to seekind of like the data points of
what you actually want anddesire.
So back in the day when I wasdiagnosed, I literally felt like
death inside, like I hadnothing left in me.
And, yes, I was reading all thepersonal development books.
I was in startup in my business, my children were young.
(13:39):
But here I am feeling likedeath and I'm like I don't wanna
feel this way.
How do I want to feel?
I'm like I wanna feel alive.
And then, marley, I rememberhaving the moment where I was
like, okay, I wanna feel alive,like what would a live person do
?
How would they show up, howwould they lead their life?
And then I got scared againbecause I'm like I have no
(14:03):
evidence of an alive version ofmyself.
So my wouldn't it be nice listwas like wouldn't it be nice if
we could travel the world?
Wouldn't it be nice if I couldrun a marathon?
Wouldn't it be nice if I hadall the energy in the world?
Wouldn't it be nice if we werefinancially free?
And I had no idea how to makeany of those things happen.
(14:23):
And there I am like, with noenergy, going through treatment
and I had nothing left.
And I'm like, okay, day one,what would an alive person do
today?
And I'm like she would get outof bed and take a shower and if
that's all she has the energyfor, that is closer in alignment
(14:44):
with an alive person.
And so fast forward.
It's those tiny, tiny bites,but like that's the North Star.
I'm always like how do I wannafeel?
And so when I'm havingconversations with people, how
do I wanna feel?
I wanna feel connected to thisperson.
Okay, cool, my child is havinga tantrum.
How do I want to feel?
(15:04):
I want my child to feel safe.
So I'm probably, if I'm gonnahave a little tantrum myself and
angry and frustrated, I'm gonnalearn how to manage my emotions
so that my child can feel safein my presence.
And it goes the same with likemy husband, or when I'm like, oh
my gosh, I wanna do this bigthing in my career.
(15:26):
What is the feeling that I'mafter?
Okay, I wanna feel purposeful.
I wanna feel accomplished.
Some of those feelings, too,are those coming from ego or are
they coming from like a deep,deep desire?
And so as you start taking theaction, you really see like I
(15:47):
never identified as a driven,ambitious person never.
If you would have like thatversion of me if you saw me I
know you're like head tilt ifyou would have saw me in high
school.
So I got pregnant a few monthsbefore I was done high school,
actually a few weeks.
Nobody knew I was hiding it,but in high school I was
(16:08):
probably the most likely to likenot succeed.
Like I was not the type A, aplus student.
I was the critical thinker andthe problem solver and I would
like.
The system did not work for me.
I was like why do I have to dothat?
It's such a waste of time.
Well, of course, look at me,I'm an entrepreneur now, right.
(16:29):
So I was a rebel.
I was like don't tell me to dothat, don't control me.
Back then nobody ever said youhave entrepreneurial like skills
, like you're a leader.
I can see that in you.
So my coping strategy was tosleep and shut down.
And so I was an under performer.
I was not an over performer,and it wasn't until I became a
(16:51):
mother that I was like oh mygosh, I got a, I'm gonna fail.
And so then I startedoverperforming and then I hit
burnout and now I'm like now Igot alignment which is, oh, I
enjoy the game I enjoy.
If I don't feed this part ofmyself that actually feels like
(17:12):
death.
So I'm gonna keep pursuing thethings I wanna pursue while
taking care of myself, littletiny bites at a time, and that's
going to positively influencemy parenting.
And I'm gonna be wicked focusedwith the two hours a day or
three hours a day that I have,and get more done and hire a
kick ass team and lead peopleand blah, blah blah.
(17:34):
But we can do those things.
No, we can't do it all.
We can't do it all at once.
You just have to thinkcompletely different.
But really, if you understandhow to lead yourself from like a
higher energy and expectation,you can get a lot more done.
And yeah, but we cannot abandonthose parts of ourselves that
(17:56):
you want to be ambitious or youwanna go after certain things.
You have to start askingyourself how can I do that and
do this?
And then you have to getcreative in how you do both.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
I love so much of what you're saying because I
think we do not think enoughabout the true desire of what we
wanna be doing with our lives.
It is so much about kind of likethis checklist, like oh, we
live our lives and then you geta career, and then you could get
married or you can be in aserious relationship, and then
you have kids and we don't takeenough time to even home back to
(18:31):
that true desire of why we wantthese things, which I think
then we can end up in theseposition, feeling really lost
because we don't know why we gothere.
And it's like if you startanything or just transition,
going through transition phasewith doing that exercise, like
oh, I wanna be doing this, Iwant the feeling of I think it
(18:55):
allows you to be creative, tofind that space, make it happen,
make it work because you'reinspired to do it.
If you're not, you're kind ofjust like well, I'm stuck here
and now I gotta figure it out.
I've heard you talk about youhave like an identity before
you're a parent and then youhave an identity when you have
one.
Do you not like first identity?
(19:17):
Like go away?
How do you talk to that older?
Speaker 2 (19:21):
identity.
Yeah and I think I'm smilingbecause I actually just said
this the other day I'm like I'mreinventing myself probably
every six months, like if youare the type of person that is
taking action to better yourself, you are releasing your old
self incredibly quickly.
(19:41):
So if you say to yourself I amthe type of person that doesn't
like to work out, I don't likemarketing, I don't like sales,
well, guess what?
If you want to be successful inany area of your life, you have
to learn the skill of sales.
It doesn't matter if you are ina sales position or not.
You have to learn to sell ideasto people Like I have to sell
(20:04):
my children on getting out thedoor on time.
I have to sell my husband onthe crazy adventures.
I want to go on Like there'sthese skills that we say or I'm
not an organized person, or I'mnot a morning person, or I'm not
.
This it doesn't mean that Ihave to become a morning person.
But if you're constantlypushing your edges of personal
(20:28):
development and wanting to growas a person, you will let go and
grieve the loss of your oldself.
So let me give you a specificexample Not even like my old
identity, because I thinkparenting saved my life and
that's a whole otherconversation.
But I remember specificallywhere I was overperforming in my
(20:48):
parenting role because and I'mgetting pats on the back
culturally like, look at you,you're super mom, blah, blah,
blah.
And inside I'm like not this,not this, I'm going to burn out.
This is scary, I'm not happy,I'm not fulfilled, and
everyone's like this isadulthood, suck it up, buttercup
.
And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And then eventually life wasshowing me things that was like
(21:11):
oh yeah, you're right, heather,this is not sustainable.
But I remember and this isprobably when Instagram was
getting more popular and this islike the Instagram lifestyle
when I would see women givingoff this identity of this
maternal exhaustion and themother load, of the invisible
mother load or the woman load orwhatever it is, and I was like
(21:35):
I don't subscribe to that, thatis not how I see myself.
And so I had to specificallyunsubscribe to that identity and
I felt guilty because I didn'twant to over identify as just
mother.
Like needing to fuel myselfwith cups of coffee to get
(21:58):
energy was not aligned, becauseI was like that's not going to
work Right.
I wanted to feel alive andaligned.
It was not aligned for me.
Blaming and shaming our partnersbecause they didn't operate the
way we did, blaming ourchildren for why we couldn't go
after what we wanted to do, Iwas like I would never want my
(22:19):
child to feel like a burden andbe like you're the reason why I
sacrificed everything for you.
I think a lot of us, especiallywomen, have grown up with
parenting figures like that andwe're like you could have went
after and did whatever youwanted.
Stop blaming me.
That's a big burden for a childto carry.
So I remember unsubscribingfrom that and there's a moment
(22:44):
in time where you have tophysically grieve that person.
That part of yourself, and ahuge part of my story, is
depression.
I mean I don't publicly be likeI was depressed, but I could
barely get out of bed.
Pre-motherhood, as a teenager,didn't understand what was
(23:05):
happening inside of me.
I was this overly sensitive,empathetic human in this world,
not understanding how to manageall this energy, not shown what
a healthy woman looks like, likesomeone who takes care of
themselves.
I didn't have those role models.
And then here I am inmotherhood being like I don't
(23:27):
want to get out of bed but Ihave to, and so kind of like
fighting to feel alive again inso many aspects of my life.
I remember specifically onemoment I don't know if I was in
like doing hypnosis orbreathwork, or like all the
journaling and everything thatI've invested in and I was like
she got me here, like thatversion of me got me here, but
(23:50):
she's not going to get me to thenext version of myself and I
have to let her go.
And I see this so often in myclients, whether it's in the
parenting relationship or theirbusiness, their work
relationship.
I'm like you have to give upthe people pleaser.
They're like but people aren'tgoing to like me and I'm like
(24:11):
it's so protective.
Or you have to like loosen yourcontrol on perfectionism,
because if you don't, and whyare you holding on so tightly?
And it's like I don't have aversion of myself without this.
Like this little people pleaserperfectionist has been with me
for so long and I'm like well,she's, she is not going to get
(24:34):
you to the next level.
So you either have to likeconsciously let her go or your
life is going to blow up and youare going to be forced to let
her go.
I bring the deep conversation.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
You know, I don't think anybody has ever said to
me that we have to let her oldidentities go, and I haven't hit
me so hard in one second,thinking like, yeah, you're
probably right, we should letthat go, because I feel as
though maybe I in the past haveheld on to those so tightly,
(25:07):
thinking that that's going tohelp me get to where I'm going
to be.
Yet I'm realizing in thismoment, lifetime that that's
probably what could be holdingyou back from doing that exact
thing.
And you know, I want to bringup this other Instagram idea
that I've seen around and I wantto get your feelings on it, and
(25:28):
it's the quote of I don't wantto be a mom, I want to be a dad
mentality.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Well, I think it's a story or an illusion of what dad
is, and I will tell you Iprobably would have agreed with
that at some point.
But now I'm raising three boysand, as they become older, and
I've been married for oh geez,18 years, ish, 17, 18 years and
(25:56):
I've had many intimateconversations with my husband
and I'm always like women, women, women and he goes men too, men
too, and the more conversationsI'm having with men and they're
kind of pulling back thecurtains, they're like we
struggle too and, although itmight not be in mom mode and
(26:16):
nurturer mode, but they carry aburden that supports our role.
There was actually a Instagram,like a reel, that I saw
recently and it was Mel Robbins.
Do you know Mel Robbins?
Yeah, mel Robbins, you canlisten to her podcast.
She was interviewing herhusband and she was talking to
him about how, six years ago, hestarted these like men's
(26:38):
retreats and he was like, yeah,I give him a piece of paper and
I'm like write down what youwant.
And you would think they'relike I want this, this, this,
this, and he's like we get blankpages.
One, because men are notallowed to talk about their
feelings.
Two, when they go to that.
They're like I don't know, Ijust I'm here to provide and to
(27:01):
serve.
And so when we take a step back,we think the emotional,
invisible load of women is like,yes, our brains work
differently, but the male brainand dad or whoever they carry a
different burden and they justdon't talk about it as much
they're one.
It's not culturally acceptableto put something like that on.
(27:24):
Imagine a dad was like I wantto be a mom, right, like could
you imagine the backlash thatwould occur if something was
posted like that on Instagram?
So they carry two differentburdens.
And I think when I have thatperspective, I can go.
(27:44):
Huh, I'm wondering, theinvisible load that you carry
it's not going to look the sameas mine.
And how can we come togetherand kind of support each other
with this invisible load thatwe're carrying?
Because we, as women, we wantmen to do our work, and then
vice versa, and it's like howabout we just do our own work
(28:04):
and we actually lessen our owninvisible load and we help
others do the exact same thing?
Because ultimately, we are 100%in control of how we want to
feel, but we're not taught thisculturally.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
And that is so true.
I never thought about howsomebody was supposed on
Instagram saying I want to be amom.
The reaction would come backand it would be so heavy.
And yet we have so much I feellike more on the conversation
about women and becoming a mom.
But like I've seen a lot ofthat in the dance space on
(28:43):
social media, where is thatperson?
It does not exist.
It's a big, big hole there thatI don't think we acknowledge
enough.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
I'll see a lot from dads or men.
They're like I will never sayno to my kids, like every time
they want to play with me, Iwill be there.
Well, think about why that iseven a thing.
It's like maybe because they'relike my dad was never around
and he worked so much Right, sohe's like I'm going to be there,
(29:14):
I'm going to be all in.
I don't see women saying thatFor me, it's a different
relationship.
Our relationships with ourchildren are very different and
I think women cannot.
We're looking for equality andall of that, but we're
compliment men and we are nothere to do men's work and vice
(29:38):
versa.
We have to realize we're yinand yang and they talk about the
masculine and the feminine.
So it's finding that withinyourself.
It doesn't mean you can neverprovide or make money.
You can do that, you can goafter that, but you really,
really, really need to honoryour desires and not just suck
it up and push it down, becausewhen you start to learn how to
(30:00):
feel, yeah, you're going to feelyour fear, you're going to feel
the guilt and the overwhelm,but when you can learn to manage
that energy, you become apowerhouse and your energy
source just keeps getting fueledLike I could put out a lot, but
when I'm fueling myself, I'mnot neglecting or abandoning
(30:21):
myself in the name of I am badif I do that for others.
I now know that feeding myself,my mind, my body, my soul, even
if it's 10 minutes at a time,gives so much more to every
single human I come into contactwith.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
And also your partner as well, because in some
situations, raising a familytakes two.
And I want to talk about alittle bit about this post I saw
a very big influencer postabout and she posted on her
Instagram and she said I am sotired of getting DMs asking if I
have a nanny and how I do itall.
(31:00):
And she's like my husband nevergets asked these things how I
have a nanny and how I do it alland I actually responded back
to her and I was like I want tobring this to a different
perspective about how I want tosee it.
I am asking you this because Iwant to be able to do the same
things and I want to know what'sgoing on that I don't see.
(31:21):
So if I was in a similarposition, what do I do?
So I'm going to turn it over toyou.
What could I do?
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Like you said, the reason why you're asking that
question is because you're likehey, please let me know, because
I want to know behind thescenes of, like, how to prepare
or what to do.
And I think, yes, our reactioncan be defensive of like, why
are we still asking women thisRight?
And it's like it is what it is.
But I also think if people sayout loud the support that they
(31:51):
are getting or what they areactually doing, it gives other
people permission.
And when you put yourself outthere, you are always going to
have people who do notappreciate the response that
you're getting back.
And this makes me think of onewoman that's in my group and we
(32:11):
were talking about I did thislittle exercise and it was
called a give and an ask and wewere talking about capacity and
everyone was giving like aresource or something that has
helped them give more capacityin their lives time, energy, all
the things.
And then they asked a questionabout capacity and a lot of the
(32:32):
gives people were like wow,that's so permission seeking.
I've been wanting to do that,but I just couldn't do that.
And one of them was I have ahouse manager, and so she says
she had a house manager and thenshe had someone come in and
clean and so people were asking,like what does your house
manager do?
And like how do you organizethat?
(32:53):
And you could see her shrinking.
You could see her physicallylike, and I was like please
don't shrink.
I'm like, I'm dead serious,like I want to know how you
manage that.
What do they do for you so thatyou set the standard of what
when I go out and seek that, howyou organize that.
And yeah, if I could go back intime, like when I started my
(33:15):
business I didn't have a lot offinancial resources, but I do
remember hiring somebody to comeinto the house for a few hours,
like while I was stillbreastfeeding and watch my son
whichever one it was that waslittle at the time and they
would be in the other room and Icould hear the baby screaming
or crying and like my boobs arejust getting so big and I'm
(33:36):
trying to work and I'm puttingnoise canceling headphones on,
and the amount of guilt that Ifelt and I just had to keep
persevering.
And if I could go back in timeand talk to that version of
myself, I would have hiredsupport quicker and I would have
let go of the materialisticthings that I think I needed to
(33:59):
purchase or have in my life thatmade me good.
And now where I'm at, my brainthinks how can I buy back my
time and energy?
How much more time can I buyback?
How much more energy can I have?
And a lot of that buyback of mytime is hiring support.
(34:24):
And I will tell you, one of thethings that I started doing was
okay, nutrition it's notconsistent.
I got to get on this, butnutrition was a huge part of my
energy fuel and so I wascounting macros and I would have
somebody make my meals andbring them into the house.
No big deal, okay.
Then I'm like if something'soff here, it's not the lining.
(34:47):
Then I started paying my 14year old to do that.
No reversal.
Hey, can you make me my mealsand I will pay you, like you're
learning how to kind of be anentrepreneur and you're helping
me out.
It's a different way to get anallowance, but you have to think
outside of the box.
Now I have my child serving meinstead of me serving my child
(35:07):
all the time.
I'm teaching this child how tobe of service to other people
and not just me, like you know,going out, out, out, I'm
learning how to receive as well.
So, honestly, the way that Ithink now is like how can I,
instead of being the doer ofeverything, how can I be like
the manager or the supervisor?
(35:28):
And my focus is how can we doless, better?
And with a whole female team, Ihave noticed we overcomplicate
things, and I do think itbecause our is so diverse.
And I'm like how can you makethat simpler?
How can you make that simpler?
How can you make?
Yeah, so it's, it's funny how wewaste so much time and energy
(35:51):
over complicating things becausewe're we feel like we're not
enough.
And I will say to myself if Ideeply trusted myself and I felt
competent and enough, how wouldI show up?
What would I do differently?
And I'm also this might be alittle faux pas, probably the
season I'm in I look to men forinspiration as how they scale
(36:16):
their time and energy.
I don't want to live exactlylike them, because there's
certain aspects of my life I donot want to outsource, but I'm
like okay, if they can do that,what is my version of that as
well?
And it's.
It's just fascinating if we canlook at each other instead of
hide and gatekeep things me like.
No, no, no, I do do it allbecause the reason why we're
(36:39):
afraid to communicate, that isbecause we don't want to be
judged and seen as like badmothers, bad women, yep.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Yeah, I love that because it goes right into the
work smarter, not harder,category and you're bringing
that creativity into parenting,which is also probably quite fun
for your kids.
And I'm just thinking onSmilesdale when I got to young
adulthood I didn't know how tocook Like I didn't know.
I couldn't figure out how toput a meal together.
(37:09):
We're learning skill whiledoing it.
I'm just seeing nothing butpositive boxes.
And I really also agree withwhat you're saying about looking
to men.
Even as you were saying that, Iwas thinking about my fiancee
and me and I was like the amountof time it takes him to do
something is significantly lessthan me because he trusts
(37:33):
himself that it will get done.
In that time I will sit thereand work myself into thinking
it's not there, it's not there,I need more time, I need to
recheck it, I need to redo it.
I should really just trustmyself that when it's done, it's
done.
So it's very interesting andI've also heard you talk about
(37:54):
how that, as a parent, it isonly you who can teach and grow
your children, like mentors andother relationships outside of
the home, which I think havealso insanely helped to raise me
personally.
Can you bring an insight of howto create those relationships
(38:17):
with family members or friendsand helping them in the world of
your children.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
Okay, so if I was to have children today, I would
show up very differently than ifI had a fourth child today.
I would show up verydifferently than my first child.
And what I noticed is when yourkids are young, we have so much
control, like there's thisillusion and perception.
The biggest pain point istypically their behavior, like
(38:46):
the tantrums and you're tryingto learn all the emotions, but
for the most part, you do havecontrol over what they eat, what
time they go to bed, whetherthey listen to you or not as a
different story what they dressas, and then usually they get
toddlerhood and then you're likesome of it's going out the
window.
The second they hit teenagehood any control that you felt
you had out the window andraising boys.
(39:11):
I would say the last few yearsof I also had like a little
pre-midlife crisis where I waslike I need men that are doing
this work in my life, like I wasactively seeking out good
humans that were into personaldevelopment.
I'm like you are a good rolemodel for my boys and I would
(39:31):
beg them to be in their life insome capacity, and so I think it
is selfish to think that like Ineed to be everything to
everybody and to like do it all,and I was like that.
I was honestly like thatpre-diagnosis If my children had
macaroni and cheese fed bysomebody else, I was like their
(39:53):
life is over, I've screwed up.
But I realized the control wasme feeling out of control
internally and so then Irealized this is a communal
thing and I know our culture isindividualized and people say
where's my community?
I don't have my village and,yes, you can create it and I do
not have like a whole bunch ofpeople around me.
(40:15):
But I actively try to get thekids involved in other things
and put them in situations withother people that I think are
good mentors for them, or evenbeing like look at this YouTube
video, let's watch this YouTubevideo together, let's listen to
this book, and if you have tomanipulate them, that's okay,
(40:35):
watch this YouTube video.
I'll give you more Wi-Fi time,but it's like play these games
of like putting them indifferent situations, rather
than putting all of that on yourcell.
Like even my 14-year-old who'slike I don't like this or I
don't like that, and I said godo your research, then come back
to me and we can have thisconversation, but I'm not going
(40:59):
to do the work for you.
The old me would put that on myplate and then I would have did
all the work.
And it's like how can weco-create with our children,
with our partners, with everyone?
Why are we putting?
The invisible load that is onour plate is often there because
we're like yeah, I'll do this,yeah, I'll do this, yep, yep,
yep.
And we're like so we have valueas we are, just by being in
(41:23):
people's lives and how we showup.
It's not about what we do forothers.
So there's ways that we cankind of shift how we show up and
lead for people instead ofdoing their work for them.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Heather, you have really eased a lot of stress, I
feel, in cortisol.
I even have her on this topicwith this wonderful conversation
.
You do so many amazing things,including coaching and whatnot,
and you have your own podcast.
Can you please tell everybodywhere they can find you?
Speaker 2 (41:55):
Yeah, they can go.
So the podcast is called.
It's behind my head, it'scalled Emotionally Uncomfortable
.
I actually put a lot of contentout.
So there's three episodes aweek.
There's usually a interview ofsome sorts, and then there's one
that I do on parenting and thenone I do on attracting profit,
and profit to me is time, moneyand energy, because I just think
(42:18):
if women are profitable, we'regoing to change the world and we
can do what we desire to do.
But it is going to beemotionally uncomfortable.
So the podcast is the place tofind me and any free resources I
have.
I give a lot of tangiblesupport.
You can just check it out on mywebsite at
heathershowangshauvincom.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Thank you so much for listening to Confessions of a
Want to Be Ick Girl.
Don't forget to rate andsubscribe to the show.
As always, we'll see you nextTuesday.
Hi guys and welcome back to the show.
We are here to help you filterout the BS and become your own
Ickrel.
In this episode, we are divinginto potentially, the scary
world of becoming a parent.
Maybe it's not so scary for you, but I think that, as women,
often it has felt like you mighthave to choose between having a
(00:20):
career or becoming a parent,and I got a lot of questions
about what it's like to be aparent, how to manage it all,
how to have this entrepreneurialdream career while also still
showing up as a good mom.
There's a lot of expectationsaround becoming a mother and I
think that this episode isreally going to ease your mind
(00:42):
about how to unsubscribe fromthose expectations that are set
on us.
We are joined by Heather.
Heather is a mom of three, astage four cancer survivor and
the author of Dying to Be a GoodMother and host of the podcast
Emotionally Uncomfortable,focusing on parenting as well as
attracting profits and growingas a leader, she proudly works
(01:03):
to help women feel successful athome and in their work.
Guys, I had a lot of quartersall going into this episode and
Heather really helped to ease mymind about what it means to be
a parent and how to handle it,and I really hope this episode
can help you do the same.
Welcome to Confessions of a Wantto Be it Girl.
(01:24):
I'm your host, marley Fraging,and I'm here to help you filter
out all the bullshit and becomethe next it Girl.
This podcast explores thereality of what it really takes
to make it out there.
As it turns out, it is way lessInstagramable than I thought it
was going to be.
I'm still very much a work inprogress, but there's simply
nothing else I'd rather be doingthan chasing my dreams.
(01:45):
So let's learn from my mistakesand work together to achieve
our dreams with more confidence,clarity and direction.
Let's get after it.
Hi Heather, thank you so muchfor joining us here today.
I'm excited.
I'm also very excited.
I'm so excited to talk to youbecause we are talking to an
(02:05):
audience of women who might notyet be moms, yet might be a
little nervous to become parents.
We're talking about careerfocus, still want to have a
career, don't know how to handlethe ideas, what to prepare for
becoming a parent, and you aresomebody who is so about that
(02:26):
it's not just about the parentand it's not just about the kid
while being someone who is likeI want women to be successful at
home and in their work, so Ijust think you are the perfect
person to talk to about this.
So I want to dive into the fearitself of becoming a parent.
There's a lot of fear there, socan we really have it all?
(02:50):
Can we have that?
It grill, instagram, mom lifeand have a career and all of
those things?
Speaker 2 (02:57):
Well, I think we see the life that we think we want,
and I've had the privilege ofseeing behind the scenes of a
lot of those Instagram lives andrealize that there's a facade,
there's a mask of the picture ofwhat they think they want, and
one of the kind of sayings orquotes that have really
(03:20):
transformed my own life and myjourney and I can get a little
more into that is.
It was from Danielle LaPorte andher book came out like over a
decade ago, one of her books,which was called the Desire Map,
and my biggest takeaway fromthat book was it's not the thing
you want, it's the feeling.
And so we see these Instagramlives or whatever, when people
(03:43):
are saying I want to have it alland I'm like but what does that
represent for you?
And it's always the feelinglike, always is the goal.
You achieve the goal and thenyou're like oh, that's not what
I thought it would be, becausewe are always after a feeling
and I'm the type of person whereit's like have the desire, have
the goal, but don't lose sightof how you want to feel at the
(04:06):
end result.
And then learn how toconsciously create that every
single day, in the moment.
And I can get more into that,but that's really what we're
after.
We're all about feelings, notthings.
Speaker 1 (04:18):
We're all about the feelings, not things.
It's a good way to put it.
And because we put so muchsocietal pressure on having a
career, giving a self worth, Ithink a lot of people women
mainly, but won't exclude anyoneby saying that having career or
being career focused, we can bescared to be written off just
(04:39):
because you're so career focusedand then you find out you are
pregnant or you're expecting oryou want to have kids.
How would you not have peoplewrite you off in the workplace
just because you want to be aparent?
Speaker 2 (04:54):
Yeah.
So I'm going to tell a personalstory.
So one I became a mom reallyyoung and so I didn't have the
privilege or the opportunity tolike grow a career and then add
on parenting.
So there's a blessing and acurse there, right, and so the
blessing of that was I didn'thave that fear.
But there's other aspects of mylife where I could like see it
(05:16):
coming and I'm like, oh my gosh,that's going to be so scary.
And then you take the leap andyou get on the other side and
it's incredibly different.
So my approach is I?
Actually there's two thingshere.
One is we have to be incrediblymindful to not self-abandon.
My book Dying to Be a GoodMother is on the premise like
(05:39):
regardless if you are a motheror not, is the premise that as
women, we are taught that weneed to be good for other people
and we need to essentiallyself-abandon parts of ourselves
to be good in that role.
And I remember when I was I wasa young parent, but like I have
three boys they're actually 19,they keep changing their ages
(06:02):
19, 14 and 11, and I was 18 whenI had my oldest child and I
think it was about my middle sonwhen I was kind of like
battling with that of I wanna bewith my children, but I also
wanna like go after my goals,like I wanna make an impact in
the world, I wanna start abusiness, I want to do the thing
(06:24):
, and I could feel myselfwrestling with that.
And it wasn't about having itall.
It was about creating my way inthat season of my life in an
incredibly sustainable way.
Cause I think the one thingpeople wildly underestimate is
how stepping into that nurturerole, that mothering role,
actually changes your identity,and that's something you cannot
(06:47):
prepare for.
Like you become a differentperson and your instincts kick
in, like I've heard this from somany people.
They're like I was doing allthe things, I was going after it
and then all of a sudden I waslike I don't want that anymore,
and so there's different kind ofdifferent things you desire in
different seasons, but I thinkwe need to look on desire and
(07:08):
not external goals.
I also have a lot of friends whodo not have children and have
no desire to have children, andthen some that don't have
children and have a desire tohave children but don't have
them yet, and I'm like you needto pay attention to desire.
So what is the desire?
(07:28):
And when we lean into desireinstead of goals and what we
think society tells us we needto be, we can live for the
moment every single day and go.
What does this look like for me, instead of trying to seek that
externally?
It's a very different way tothink about how we should show
(07:48):
up in the world, because I don'twanna neglect parts of myself,
but there are definite momentswhere you need to not
necessarily sacrifice yourselfor abandon yourself, but honor,
like I wanna give back, like oneof going back to that moment
when I was like wrestling withboth.
(08:09):
I remember feeling like, okay,I need to have childcare to so I
can feed this part of myself,because I could see that if I
didn't feed that part of myself,I was yelling and I was angry
and I was resentful and I'm likemy children don't deserve that
type of mother.
And then I would have peoplesay you shouldn't be doing this.
(08:31):
But internally I knew that thatwhat was best for me and my
children, and so I don't thinkit's a this or that.
I think it's coming back tolike what do I need to feel
fulfilled?
And that's where people kind offind that alignment, I call it.
I don't believe in balance.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
I love that you're pointing out that if you didn't
do this thing it could reallystart to affect how you were
already showing up as a mom.
By not going after what youneeded to do, kind of like
putting I always talk aboutputting your oxygen mask on
first Like if you aren't showingup like how you wanna be, how
on earth can you take care oflike a little thing that is in
(09:12):
your life and you love and care?
But I always think it's worseto ignore that part of yourself
and then be like well, societythinks if I go after ambitious
career goals and I'm notwatching my kids, that's gonna
do more damage.
And really by you not goingafter your career goals are you
(09:33):
doing more damage to yourselfand your mothering experience
and all the things.
So I wanna talk a little bitabout this desire you're talking
about.
Say you do desire to be aparent and you're in this career
.
How do you start to look atyour life, about how to prepare
for it?
Like what are the things youneed to change?
(09:56):
Or what are those conversationsyou have with your partner or
your work?
Speaker 2 (10:00):
environment.
How does that look?
I think sometimes we wanna Ithink we live in a culture right
now that wants to prepare andbe like over prepared, which
comes from like a perfectionistenergy, and then life is gonna
show you exactly what you needto focus on and I think
relationships are the biggestjudge, like the biggest, like
(10:22):
mirror right, like there is noperfection in relationships and
it could be like a parent, child, you partner, you, someone else
, and so I am all about reverseengineering how you wanna feel,
like if you can't, if you're notlooking at the visual of this
podcast, I have a hat on and itsays how do you want to feel?
And part of that is like thatis my North Star and that goes
(10:47):
back to huge part of my journey.
But 10 years ago I wasdiagnosed with a stage four
cancer.
It's a huge part of my message,which is how did I get to that
point?
It wasn't just like one day Iwoke up and I was like, oh my
gosh, I have cancer.
Like that's how society treatsit as like where did this
disease come from?
And it's like no, no, no, no,no, no, no.
(11:09):
There's so many things thatwe're doing that is like neglect
and barely scraping by on aphysical level is the
expectation Like if you actuallydo put your oxygen mask on,
you're being selfish, and I haveunsubscribed from that a long
(11:30):
time ago, and so when I kind ofhad my health crisis, I got to a
point where I was reading allthe books and doing all the
things and, like I said, youknow, the whole Dingyellaport
Desire Map was it's not thething you're after, it's the
feeling.
And so I started living my lifevery differently.
Something I developed calledenergetic time management, which
(11:52):
is essentially putting yourselfon the calendar first, but it's
through desire, and so I'llgive everyone like my exercise
right now, because it's verypractical and tangible.
I took a journal prompt.
Wouldn't it be nice if and I'mnot asking you what do you want
that can feel very like you knowconfronting to people it was
(12:13):
what do you dislike?
Wouldn't it be nice if, likemagic wand, and we know what we
don't want, like we know what wewant to stop in our lives?
So if you're like I don't know,it could be negative.
Wouldn't it be nice if I wasn'tangry all the time?
Wouldn't it be nice if I,whatever you just dump it out
and it can either be like, inthe positive or the negative,
what you want or what you don'twant, but you're literally
(12:33):
writing out your desires and ifyou look at the person next to
you, their list is gonna lookvery different, very, very
different.
But everything that you want isa feeling.
So wouldn't it be nice if Ididn't have to work anymore?
Wouldn't it be nice if I couldhave a month off?
Wouldn't it be nice if I wasdoing work that I love?
Wouldn't it be nice if,whatever it is, ask yourself
(12:55):
what is the feeling that I'mafter and then put the feeling
words next to those desires andyou're gonna see something
called core desired feelings.
That's what Daniel LaPortecalls it, but it's like the
common denominator.
No one ever says, oh, I wannachronically feel like shit, I
wanna be overwhelmed, depleted,angry, frustrated, burnt out.
Nobody, nobody is ever going tosay that, and your word might
(13:19):
change, but I want you to seekind of like the data points of
what you actually want anddesire.
So back in the day when I wasdiagnosed, I literally felt like
death inside, like I hadnothing left in me.
And, yes, I was reading all thepersonal development books.
I was in startup in my business, my children were young.
(13:39):
But here I am feeling likedeath and I'm like I don't wanna
feel this way.
How do I want to feel?
I'm like I wanna feel alive.
And then, marley, I rememberhaving the moment where I was
like, okay, I wanna feel alive,like what would a live person do
?
How would they show up, howwould they lead their life?
And then I got scared againbecause I'm like I have no
(14:03):
evidence of an alive version ofmyself.
So my wouldn't it be nice listwas like wouldn't it be nice if
we could travel the world?
Wouldn't it be nice if I couldrun a marathon?
Wouldn't it be nice if I hadall the energy in the world?
Wouldn't it be nice if we werefinancially free?
And I had no idea how to makeany of those things happen.
(14:23):
And there I am like, with noenergy, going through treatment
and I had nothing left.
And I'm like, okay, day one,what would an alive person do
today?
And I'm like she would get outof bed and take a shower and if
that's all she has the energyfor, that is closer in alignment
(14:44):
with an alive person.
And so fast forward.
It's those tiny, tiny bites,but like that's the North Star.
I'm always like how do I wannafeel?
And so when I'm havingconversations with people, how
do I wanna feel?
I wanna feel connected to thisperson.
Okay, cool, my child is havinga tantrum.
How do I want to feel?
(15:04):
I want my child to feel safe.
So I'm probably, if I'm gonnahave a little tantrum myself and
angry and frustrated, I'm gonnalearn how to manage my emotions
so that my child can feel safein my presence.
And it goes the same with likemy husband, or when I'm like, oh
my gosh, I wanna do this bigthing in my career.
(15:26):
What is the feeling that I'mafter?
Okay, I wanna feel purposeful.
I wanna feel accomplished.
Some of those feelings, too,are those coming from ego or are
they coming from like a deep,deep desire?
And so as you start taking theaction, you really see like I
(15:47):
never identified as a driven,ambitious person never.
If you would have like thatversion of me if you saw me I
know you're like head tilt ifyou would have saw me in high
school.
So I got pregnant a few monthsbefore I was done high school,
actually a few weeks.
Nobody knew I was hiding it,but in high school I was
(16:08):
probably the most likely to likenot succeed.
Like I was not the type A, aplus student.
I was the critical thinker andthe problem solver and I would
like.
The system did not work for me.
I was like why do I have to dothat?
It's such a waste of time.
Well, of course, look at me,I'm an entrepreneur now, right.
(16:29):
So I was a rebel.
I was like don't tell me to dothat, don't control me.
Back then nobody ever said youhave entrepreneurial like skills
, like you're a leader.
I can see that in you.
So my coping strategy was tosleep and shut down.
And so I was an under performer.
I was not an over performer,and it wasn't until I became a
(16:51):
mother that I was like oh mygosh, I got a, I'm gonna fail.
And so then I startedoverperforming and then I hit
burnout and now I'm like now Igot alignment which is, oh, I
enjoy the game I enjoy.
If I don't feed this part ofmyself that actually feels like
(17:12):
death.
So I'm gonna keep pursuing thethings I wanna pursue while
taking care of myself, littletiny bites at a time, and that's
going to positively influencemy parenting.
And I'm gonna be wicked focusedwith the two hours a day or
three hours a day that I have,and get more done and hire a
kick ass team and lead peopleand blah, blah blah.
(17:34):
But we can do those things.
No, we can't do it all.
We can't do it all at once.
You just have to thinkcompletely different.
But really, if you understandhow to lead yourself from like a
higher energy and expectation,you can get a lot more done.
And yeah, but we cannot abandonthose parts of ourselves that
(17:56):
you want to be ambitious or youwanna go after certain things.
You have to start askingyourself how can I do that and
do this?
And then you have to getcreative in how you do both.
Speaker 1 (18:10):
I love so much of what you're saying because I
think we do not think enoughabout the true desire of what we
wanna be doing with our lives.
It is so much about kind of likethis checklist, like oh, we
live our lives and then you geta career, and then you could get
married or you can be in aserious relationship, and then
you have kids and we don't takeenough time to even home back to
(18:31):
that true desire of why we wantthese things, which I think
then we can end up in theseposition, feeling really lost
because we don't know why we gothere.
And it's like if you startanything or just transition,
going through transition phasewith doing that exercise, like
oh, I wanna be doing this, Iwant the feeling of I think it
(18:55):
allows you to be creative, tofind that space, make it happen,
make it work because you'reinspired to do it.
If you're not, you're kind ofjust like well, I'm stuck here
and now I gotta figure it out.
I've heard you talk about youhave like an identity before
you're a parent and then youhave an identity when you have
one.
Do you not like first identity?
(19:17):
Like go away?
How do you talk to that older?
Speaker 2 (19:21):
identity.
Yeah and I think I'm smilingbecause I actually just said
this the other day I'm like I'mreinventing myself probably
every six months, like if youare the type of person that is
taking action to better yourself, you are releasing your old
self incredibly quickly.
(19:41):
So if you say to yourself I amthe type of person that doesn't
like to work out, I don't likemarketing, I don't like sales,
well, guess what?
If you want to be successful inany area of your life, you have
to learn the skill of sales.
It doesn't matter if you are ina sales position or not.
You have to learn to sell ideasto people Like I have to sell
(20:04):
my children on getting out thedoor on time.
I have to sell my husband onthe crazy adventures.
I want to go on Like there'sthese skills that we say or I'm
not an organized person, or I'mnot a morning person, or I'm not
.
This it doesn't mean that Ihave to become a morning person.
But if you're constantlypushing your edges of personal
(20:28):
development and wanting to growas a person, you will let go and
grieve the loss of your oldself.
So let me give you a specificexample Not even like my old
identity, because I thinkparenting saved my life and
that's a whole otherconversation.
But I remember specificallywhere I was overperforming in my
(20:48):
parenting role because and I'mgetting pats on the back
culturally like, look at you,you're super mom, blah, blah,
blah.
And inside I'm like not this,not this, I'm going to burn out.
This is scary, I'm not happy,I'm not fulfilled, and
everyone's like this isadulthood, suck it up, buttercup
.
And I'm like no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And then eventually life wasshowing me things that was like
(21:11):
oh yeah, you're right, heather,this is not sustainable.
But I remember and this isprobably when Instagram was
getting more popular and this islike the Instagram lifestyle
when I would see women givingoff this identity of this
maternal exhaustion and themother load, of the invisible
mother load or the woman load orwhatever it is, and I was like
(21:35):
I don't subscribe to that, thatis not how I see myself.
And so I had to specificallyunsubscribe to that identity and
I felt guilty because I didn'twant to over identify as just
mother.
Like needing to fuel myselfwith cups of coffee to get
(21:58):
energy was not aligned, becauseI was like that's not going to
work Right.
I wanted to feel alive andaligned.
It was not aligned for me.
Blaming and shaming our partnersbecause they didn't operate the
way we did, blaming ourchildren for why we couldn't go
after what we wanted to do, Iwas like I would never want my
(22:19):
child to feel like a burden andbe like you're the reason why I
sacrificed everything for you.
I think a lot of us, especiallywomen, have grown up with
parenting figures like that andwe're like you could have went
after and did whatever youwanted.
Stop blaming me.
That's a big burden for a childto carry.
So I remember unsubscribingfrom that and there's a moment
(22:44):
in time where you have tophysically grieve that person.
That part of yourself, and ahuge part of my story, is
depression.
I mean I don't publicly be likeI was depressed, but I could
barely get out of bed.
Pre-motherhood, as a teenager,didn't understand what was
(23:05):
happening inside of me.
I was this overly sensitive,empathetic human in this world,
not understanding how to manageall this energy, not shown what
a healthy woman looks like, likesomeone who takes care of
themselves.
I didn't have those role models.
And then here I am inmotherhood being like I don't
(23:27):
want to get out of bed but Ihave to, and so kind of like
fighting to feel alive again inso many aspects of my life.
I remember specifically onemoment I don't know if I was in
like doing hypnosis orbreathwork, or like all the
journaling and everything thatI've invested in and I was like
she got me here, like thatversion of me got me here, but
(23:50):
she's not going to get me to thenext version of myself and I
have to let her go.
And I see this so often in myclients, whether it's in the
parenting relationship or theirbusiness, their work
relationship.
I'm like you have to give upthe people pleaser.
They're like but people aren'tgoing to like me and I'm like
(24:11):
it's so protective.
Or you have to like loosen yourcontrol on perfectionism,
because if you don't, and whyare you holding on so tightly?
And it's like I don't have aversion of myself without this.
Like this little people pleaserperfectionist has been with me
for so long and I'm like well,she's, she is not going to get
(24:34):
you to the next level.
So you either have to likeconsciously let her go or your
life is going to blow up and youare going to be forced to let
her go.
I bring the deep conversation.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
You know, I don't think anybody has ever said to
me that we have to let her oldidentities go, and I haven't hit
me so hard in one second,thinking like, yeah, you're
probably right, we should letthat go, because I feel as
though maybe I in the past haveheld on to those so tightly,
(25:07):
thinking that that's going tohelp me get to where I'm going
to be.
Yet I'm realizing in thismoment, lifetime that that's
probably what could be holdingyou back from doing that exact
thing.
And you know, I want to bringup this other Instagram idea
that I've seen around and I wantto get your feelings on it, and
(25:28):
it's the quote of I don't wantto be a mom, I want to be a dad
mentality.
Speaker 2 (25:33):
Well, I think it's a story or an illusion of what dad
is, and I will tell you Iprobably would have agreed with
that at some point.
But now I'm raising three boysand, as they become older, and
I've been married for oh geez,18 years, ish, 17, 18 years and
(25:56):
I've had many intimateconversations with my husband
and I'm always like women, women, women and he goes men too, men
too, and the more conversationsI'm having with men and they're
kind of pulling back thecurtains, they're like we
struggle too and, although itmight not be in mom mode and
(26:16):
nurturer mode, but they carry aburden that supports our role.
There was actually a Instagram,like a reel, that I saw
recently and it was Mel Robbins.
Do you know Mel Robbins?
Yeah, mel Robbins, you canlisten to her podcast.
She was interviewing herhusband and she was talking to
him about how, six years ago, hestarted these like men's
(26:38):
retreats and he was like, yeah,I give him a piece of paper and
I'm like write down what youwant.
And you would think they'relike I want this, this, this,
this, and he's like we get blankpages.
One, because men are notallowed to talk about their
feelings.
Two, when they go to that.
They're like I don't know, Ijust I'm here to provide and to
(27:01):
serve.
And so when we take a step back,we think the emotional,
invisible load of women is like,yes, our brains work
differently, but the male brainand dad or whoever they carry a
different burden and they justdon't talk about it as much
they're one.
It's not culturally acceptableto put something like that on.
(27:24):
Imagine a dad was like I wantto be a mom, right, like could
you imagine the backlash thatwould occur if something was
posted like that on Instagram?
So they carry two differentburdens.
And I think when I have thatperspective, I can go.
(27:44):
Huh, I'm wondering, theinvisible load that you carry
it's not going to look the sameas mine.
And how can we come togetherand kind of support each other
with this invisible load thatwe're carrying?
Because we, as women, we wantmen to do our work, and then
vice versa, and it's like howabout we just do our own work
(28:04):
and we actually lessen our owninvisible load and we help
others do the exact same thing?
Because ultimately, we are 100%in control of how we want to
feel, but we're not taught thisculturally.
Speaker 1 (28:21):
And that is so true.
I never thought about howsomebody was supposed on
Instagram saying I want to be amom.
The reaction would come backand it would be so heavy.
And yet we have so much I feellike more on the conversation
about women and becoming a mom.
But like I've seen a lot ofthat in the dance space on
(28:43):
social media, where is thatperson?
It does not exist.
It's a big, big hole there thatI don't think we acknowledge
enough.
Speaker 2 (28:53):
I'll see a lot from dads or men.
They're like I will never sayno to my kids, like every time
they want to play with me, Iwill be there.
Well, think about why that iseven a thing.
It's like maybe because they'relike my dad was never around
and he worked so much Right, sohe's like I'm going to be there,
(29:14):
I'm going to be all in.
I don't see women saying thatFor me, it's a different
relationship.
Our relationships with ourchildren are very different and
I think women cannot.
We're looking for equality andall of that, but we're
compliment men and we are nothere to do men's work and vice
(29:38):
versa.
We have to realize we're yinand yang and they talk about the
masculine and the feminine.
So it's finding that withinyourself.
It doesn't mean you can neverprovide or make money.
You can do that, you can goafter that, but you really,
really, really need to honoryour desires and not just suck
it up and push it down, becausewhen you start to learn how to
(30:00):
feel, yeah, you're going to feelyour fear, you're going to feel
the guilt and the overwhelm,but when you can learn to manage
that energy, you become apowerhouse and your energy
source just keeps getting fueledLike I could put out a lot, but
when I'm fueling myself, I'mnot neglecting or abandoning
(30:21):
myself in the name of I am badif I do that for others.
I now know that feeding myself,my mind, my body, my soul, even
if it's 10 minutes at a time,gives so much more to every
single human I come into contactwith.
Speaker 1 (30:38):
And also your partner as well, because in some
situations, raising a familytakes two.
And I want to talk about alittle bit about this post I saw
a very big influencer postabout and she posted on her
Instagram and she said I am sotired of getting DMs asking if I
have a nanny and how I do itall.
(31:00):
And she's like my husband nevergets asked these things how I
have a nanny and how I do it alland I actually responded back
to her and I was like I want tobring this to a different
perspective about how I want tosee it.
I am asking you this because Iwant to be able to do the same
things and I want to know what'sgoing on that I don't see.
(31:21):
So if I was in a similarposition, what do I do?
So I'm going to turn it over toyou.
What could I do?
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Like you said, the reason why you're asking that
question is because you're likehey, please let me know, because
I want to know behind thescenes of, like, how to prepare
or what to do.
And I think, yes, our reactioncan be defensive of like, why
are we still asking women thisRight?
And it's like it is what it is.
But I also think if people sayout loud the support that they
(31:51):
are getting or what they areactually doing, it gives other
people permission.
And when you put yourself outthere, you are always going to
have people who do notappreciate the response that
you're getting back.
And this makes me think of onewoman that's in my group and we
(32:11):
were talking about I did thislittle exercise and it was
called a give and an ask and wewere talking about capacity and
everyone was giving like aresource or something that has
helped them give more capacityin their lives time, energy, all
the things.
And then they asked a questionabout capacity and a lot of the
(32:32):
gives people were like wow,that's so permission seeking.
I've been wanting to do that,but I just couldn't do that.
And one of them was I have ahouse manager, and so she says
she had a house manager and thenshe had someone come in and
clean and so people were asking,like what does your house
manager do?
And like how do you organizethat?
(32:53):
And you could see her shrinking.
You could see her physicallylike, and I was like please
don't shrink.
I'm like, I'm dead serious,like I want to know how you
manage that.
What do they do for you so thatyou set the standard of what
when I go out and seek that, howyou organize that.
And yeah, if I could go back intime, like when I started my
(33:15):
business I didn't have a lot offinancial resources, but I do
remember hiring somebody to comeinto the house for a few hours,
like while I was stillbreastfeeding and watch my son
whichever one it was that waslittle at the time and they
would be in the other room and Icould hear the baby screaming
or crying and like my boobs arejust getting so big and I'm
(33:36):
trying to work and I'm puttingnoise canceling headphones on,
and the amount of guilt that Ifelt and I just had to keep
persevering.
And if I could go back in timeand talk to that version of
myself, I would have hiredsupport quicker and I would have
let go of the materialisticthings that I think I needed to
(33:59):
purchase or have in my life thatmade me good.
And now where I'm at, my brainthinks how can I buy back my
time and energy?
How much more time can I buyback?
How much more energy can I have?
And a lot of that buyback of mytime is hiring support.
(34:24):
And I will tell you, one of thethings that I started doing was
okay, nutrition it's notconsistent.
I got to get on this, butnutrition was a huge part of my
energy fuel and so I wascounting macros and I would have
somebody make my meals andbring them into the house.
No big deal, okay.
Then I'm like if something'soff here, it's not the lining.
(34:47):
Then I started paying my 14year old to do that.
No reversal.
Hey, can you make me my mealsand I will pay you, like you're
learning how to kind of be anentrepreneur and you're helping
me out.
It's a different way to get anallowance, but you have to think
outside of the box.
Now I have my child serving meinstead of me serving my child
(35:07):
all the time.
I'm teaching this child how tobe of service to other people
and not just me, like you know,going out, out, out, I'm
learning how to receive as well.
So, honestly, the way that Ithink now is like how can I,
instead of being the doer ofeverything, how can I be like
the manager or the supervisor?
(35:28):
And my focus is how can we doless, better?
And with a whole female team, Ihave noticed we overcomplicate
things, and I do think itbecause our is so diverse.
And I'm like how can you makethat simpler?
How can you make that simpler?
How can you make?
Yeah, so it's, it's funny how wewaste so much time and energy
(35:51):
over complicating things becausewe're we feel like we're not
enough.
And I will say to myself if Ideeply trusted myself and I felt
competent and enough, how wouldI show up?
What would I do differently?
And I'm also this might be alittle faux pas, probably the
season I'm in I look to men forinspiration as how they scale
(36:16):
their time and energy.
I don't want to live exactlylike them, because there's
certain aspects of my life I donot want to outsource, but I'm
like okay, if they can do that,what is my version of that as
well?
And it's.
It's just fascinating if we canlook at each other instead of
hide and gatekeep things me like.
No, no, no, I do do it allbecause the reason why we're
(36:39):
afraid to communicate, that isbecause we don't want to be
judged and seen as like badmothers, bad women, yep.
Speaker 1 (36:49):
Yeah, I love that because it goes right into the
work smarter, not harder,category and you're bringing
that creativity into parenting,which is also probably quite fun
for your kids.
And I'm just thinking onSmilesdale when I got to young
adulthood I didn't know how tocook Like I didn't know.
I couldn't figure out how toput a meal together.
(37:09):
We're learning skill whiledoing it.
I'm just seeing nothing butpositive boxes.
And I really also agree withwhat you're saying about looking
to men.
Even as you were saying that, Iwas thinking about my fiancee
and me and I was like the amountof time it takes him to do
something is significantly lessthan me because he trusts
(37:33):
himself that it will get done.
In that time I will sit thereand work myself into thinking
it's not there, it's not there,I need more time, I need to
recheck it, I need to redo it.
I should really just trustmyself that when it's done, it's
done.
So it's very interesting andI've also heard you talk about
(37:54):
how that, as a parent, it isonly you who can teach and grow
your children, like mentors andother relationships outside of
the home, which I think havealso insanely helped to raise me
personally.
Can you bring an insight of howto create those relationships
(38:17):
with family members or friendsand helping them in the world of
your children.
Speaker 2 (38:24):
Okay, so if I was to have children today, I would
show up very differently than ifI had a fourth child today.
I would show up verydifferently than my first child.
And what I noticed is when yourkids are young, we have so much
control, like there's thisillusion and perception.
The biggest pain point istypically their behavior, like
(38:46):
the tantrums and you're tryingto learn all the emotions, but
for the most part, you do havecontrol over what they eat, what
time they go to bed, whetherthey listen to you or not as a
different story what they dressas, and then usually they get
toddlerhood and then you're likesome of it's going out the
window.
The second they hit teenagehood any control that you felt
you had out the window andraising boys.
(39:11):
I would say the last few yearsof I also had like a little
pre-midlife crisis where I waslike I need men that are doing
this work in my life, like I wasactively seeking out good
humans that were into personaldevelopment.
I'm like you are a good rolemodel for my boys and I would
(39:31):
beg them to be in their life insome capacity, and so I think it
is selfish to think that like Ineed to be everything to
everybody and to like do it all,and I was like that.
I was honestly like thatpre-diagnosis If my children had
macaroni and cheese fed bysomebody else, I was like their
(39:53):
life is over, I've screwed up.
But I realized the control wasme feeling out of control
internally and so then Irealized this is a communal
thing and I know our culture isindividualized and people say
where's my community?
I don't have my village and,yes, you can create it and I do
not have like a whole bunch ofpeople around me.
(40:15):
But I actively try to get thekids involved in other things
and put them in situations withother people that I think are
good mentors for them, or evenbeing like look at this YouTube
video, let's watch this YouTubevideo together, let's listen to
this book, and if you have tomanipulate them, that's okay,
(40:35):
watch this YouTube video.
I'll give you more Wi-Fi time,but it's like play these games
of like putting them indifferent situations, rather
than putting all of that on yourcell.
Like even my 14-year-old who'slike I don't like this or I
don't like that, and I said godo your research, then come back
to me and we can have thisconversation, but I'm not going
(40:59):
to do the work for you.
The old me would put that on myplate and then I would have did
all the work.
And it's like how can weco-create with our children,
with our partners, with everyone?
Why are we putting?
The invisible load that is onour plate is often there because
we're like yeah, I'll do this,yeah, I'll do this, yep, yep,
yep.
And we're like so we have valueas we are, just by being in
(41:23):
people's lives and how we showup.
It's not about what we do forothers.
So there's ways that we cankind of shift how we show up and
lead for people instead ofdoing their work for them.
Speaker 1 (41:36):
Heather, you have really eased a lot of stress, I
feel, in cortisol.
I even have her on this topicwith this wonderful conversation
.
You do so many amazing things,including coaching and whatnot,
and you have your own podcast.
Can you please tell everybodywhere they can find you?
Speaker 2 (41:55):
Yeah, they can go.
So the podcast is called.
It's behind my head, it'scalled Emotionally Uncomfortable
.
I actually put a lot of contentout.
So there's three episodes aweek.
There's usually a interview ofsome sorts, and then there's one
that I do on parenting and thenone I do on attracting profit,
and profit to me is time, moneyand energy, because I just think
(42:18):
if women are profitable, we'regoing to change the world and we
can do what we desire to do.
But it is going to beemotionally uncomfortable.
So the podcast is the place tofind me and any free resources I
have.
I give a lot of tangiblesupport.
You can just check it out on mywebsite at
heathershowangshauvincom.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Thank you so much for listening to Confessions of a
Want to Be Ick Girl.
Don't forget to rate andsubscribe to the show.
As always, we'll see you nextTuesday.
Popular Podcasts
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
The Nikki Glaser Podcast
Every week comedian and infamous roaster Nikki Glaser provides a fun, fast-paced, and brutally honest look into current pop-culture and her own personal life.