Setting Boundaries & Expectations: What My Therapist Taught Me

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Have you ever walked away from an interaction feeling disappointed, hurt, or let down? What if the problem isn't with the other person, but with the unrealistic expectations you've set? In this deeply personal episode, I'm sharing a transformative exercise my therapist taught me five years ago that completely changed how I approach relationships.

The concept is deceptively simple: deliberately adjusting your expectations to match what people are actually capable of giving you. I walk you through exactly how I created a note in my phone documenting realistic expectations for specific relationships in my life—a note I still reference regularly. This isn't about lowering your standards or accepting poor treatment. Rather, it's about acknowledging the capacity each person has and protecting your emotional well-being by approaching interactions with clear eyes.

When your expectations align with reality, disappointment diminishes dramatically. Instead of feeling let down when someone behaves exactly as they always have, you can approach interactions with understanding. And when someone exceeds your expectations? That becomes a delightful surprise rather than the minimum standard. Through practical examples—from friends who rarely initiate contact to preteens seeking independence—I demonstrate how this mindfulness around expectations creates healthier dynamics and preserves your confidence.

This milestone 75th episode gets to the heart of what Confidently Beautiful is all about: practical tools for protecting your emotional health while maintaining loving connections. If you've ever felt caught in cycles of disappointment with certain relationships, this episode offers a gentle but powerful path forward. Share it with someone who might need this perspective, and let me know how managing expectations has worked in your own life by connecting with me on Instagram at confidently beautiful podcast.

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Episode Transcript

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(01:33):
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Today I'm really excited to betalking about expectations.

(02:38):
I wish that I could have thisguest on the podcast, but you're
just going to have to take itfrom me, which might be good
because you're going to get alittle bit of a personal
perspective.
But this is something that Ilearned from my therapist,
actually, and she has taught methis.
I learned this from herprobably I think it was five
years ago, but it is somethingthat I think about almost daily.

(03:01):
I mean at least weekly.
I think about this all the timeand it is one of the exercises
that she did for that she had mewalk through.
That was probably the mostbeneficial for me.
I think most of us can struggleif not all of us can struggle
with boundaries or expectationsin our life and feeling like we
are not getting what we arewanting from certain

(03:22):
relationships, from certainexperiences, or maybe saying yes
too often when we should besaying no, and these things can
cause a lot of shame or guilt ordisappointment, a lot of
negative feelings towardsourselves, or about
relationships or aboutsituations, and so as I was
talking to my therapist aboutthis and about some situations

(03:43):
in my life, then she had mewrite on my phone and I still
have this note to this day.
She had me write in my phoneand in fact I can see the date.
It was five years ago.
I wrote my boundaries, or myexpectations for specific people
in my life.
Now this doesn't mean that welove these people any less

(04:04):
because we're only expecting somuch from them.
My love for these people ishuge, like I love these people
so much, but I have learned thateveryone has certain capacities
of what they're able to give,and I can sometimes hold people
to a higher standard or maybenot a higher standard, but just
a different standard than whatthey are wanting to give, and

(04:26):
this can lead to feelings ofdisappointment or sadness in the
way that situations play out orthe way that relationships are.
So she had me open up my phoneand I went through specific
people in my life and I wroteout expectations of what I can
expect from them.

(04:46):
As I was writing about theseexpectations from these people,
then I thought about what istheir capacity?
What am I aware of that theyhave gone through.
What is something that I knowhistorically about this person
that I can expect to happen insituations.
As I did this, I wasn't likesuper specific about like
specific situations, but I madeit very broad so that it could

(05:09):
be something that could be usedlike whatever came like all
these years later in anysituation that came.
So I know for one specificperson that this is what I will
do and what my boundary is andthis is what I expect them to do
in return, and it is like notwhat I want them to do in return

(05:32):
necessarily, but what I expectto happen.
So then, if something above whatI'm expecting actually happens,
I am just like joyful andexcited.
But if what I'm expecting tohappen does happen, then I'm not
feeling walking away, feelingdisappointed or like I didn't
get what I was hoping for,because I had already had that

(05:53):
expectation in my head and itwas a realistic expectation of
what this person is capable for,and not only what that person
is capable for, but also what Iam capable for with that person.
Maybe there is, maybe I have aboundary that I don't want to
cross, maybe I have some thingsI am trying to work through, and
so I need to match myexpectations to what I am

(06:16):
feeling as well.
Then, if something happens,then I can either be excited
because it's something that wasabove what I expected, or just
not surprised, just like, well,that's what I expected and
that's what's going to happen.
Then I don't have to feel thedisappointment or the sadness
that something didn't go the wayI wanted it to.
I know this is a really abstractconversation and it's a hard

(06:40):
thing to have without havingspecifics, but out of just
keeping the respect of theprivacy of the people in my life
, I'm trying to be very generalabout what I am saying, but an
example of something that youcould do is you could say OK,
this is what I am going to do.
I am going to only reach out tothis person if they reach out
to me.
If they reach out to me, I amgoing to be so excited to hear

(07:04):
from them.
I am going to be like, yes, howare you?
And trying to like connect withthem and feel the love, but
then I'm going to leave it atthat.
Maybe I will then just reachout to this person in a very
general way, but notspecifically, because maybe I
have a history with this personof not getting responses or

(07:29):
being told no when I feel like Ishould be told yes, or being
told yes but then nothinghappening, and so, rather than
putting myself in thosesituations where I feel like I
am being constantly let down,then I can know that I will
always respond in love but I maynot necessarily put the effort

(07:50):
to try and make thoseconnections but that they will
always know that I am here.
So that is just one examplethat you could use.
It could be something like very,very simple like with maybe
like a child in your life thatmaybe you were trying to connect
with your preteen and thereyou're just like really wanting

(08:11):
to have this connection withyour child.
But they're getting in thisstage of life where maybe they
wanna be with their friends alittle bit more.
Maybe they don't want to hangout with mom and dad as much,
they just don't think it's asfun.
So you can set expectationsthat are very similar to that
last example I said.
You can set expectations thatyou will probably be told no,

(08:31):
like I'm not in the mood forthat.
So then, when they do say yes,you're like yes, I am so excited
for this and you're going to doit, but that they always know
your feelings for them, that youare always there, you're always
going to ask and you're alwaysgoing to be there and when they
come you will respond in anexcited way.
But you are expecting I don'twant to say the worst, because

(08:55):
it's not the worst, it's just.
It's just what that person isable or wanting to give at that
time, and so if you're expectingthat and you're going into it
with that expectation, then itjust takes away the
disappointment.
I hope that this makes sense.
I am not a therapist, so pleasedon't take this as therapy.
This is just my personalexperience with an exercise that

(09:16):
I worked with with my therapist.
That was very helpful to me.
An exercise that I worked withwith my therapist.
That was very helpful to me.
So if you are working with atherapist, maybe this is
something you could bring upwith them how you can set
boundaries and expectations.
There's a million books outthere you can go read from
people who are much smarter thanI am, but this is just
something that I have lookedback on for the past five years.
That has been very, veryhelpful with me in seeing how I

(09:38):
am managing my relationships,how I am wanting certain events
to play out and how I feel aboutmyself after I walk away from
certain time with people orevents with people or
conversations with people, how Ican protect my confidence in
myself and my love for thatperson.
I hope this was helpful.
If you found this helpful,share it with somebody that

(09:59):
maybe you can talk to about it,and if you want to continue this
conversation, my DMs are alwaysopen and I would love to hear
from you on Instagram so you canalways reach out to me there.
Thanks for listening.
Connect with me on Instagram atconfidently beautiful podcast
and share this episode withsomeone in your life who could
use a little reminder of justhow amazing they already are.

(10:20):
Stay confidently beautiful.