Ep #168 Are You Teaching Obedience—or Raising a Human? I Riffing On My Book (3)

This episode might make you ruffle your feathers. If it does, it means I'm hitting a nerve that needs to be hit.
 
Here's what I'm NOT going to do:

• Pretend that your sticker charts are helping
• Act like time-outs are teaching life lessons
• Tell you that you just need the "right" punishment system

Here's what I AM going to do:
 
Call out the fact that we've been duped. Manipulated. Sold a lie by two dudes in lab coats who literally thought your child's brain works the same as a pigeon's.
 
I'm not even kidding. BF Skinner actually said: "Give me a child and I'll shape him into anything."
 
Your child. A blank slate. Just waiting to be programmed with the right combination of rewards and punishments.

Feeling sick yet? You should be.
 
I used to be you. Consequence Queen. Time-out Tyrant. The mom who had read all the books and had all the systems.

And then one day, it hits me:

I'm using the EXACT SAME METHODS on my kids that I use on my poodle.
 
Sit = treat.
Come = treat.
Stop barking = treat.
 
Clean room = sticker.
Do homework = screen time.
Stop fighting = avoid punishment.
 
The kicker? My dog was better trained than my kids.
 
At least she came when I called.
 
💣 Here's what they don't want you to know:
 
Those parenting "experts" quoting studies? They're quoting studies done on RATS. On PIGEONS.
 
They took animals with tiny prefrontal cortexes, trapped them in boxes, and said "Look! Behavior modification works!"
 
Then they turned to human children, with their complex emotions, their need for connection, their sophisticated reasoning abilities and said "Same thing!"
 
You know that moment, when you KNOW you shouldn't lose it, but you do anyway? It's because your nervous system is screaming "THIS ISN'T WORKING" so you keep trying to apply pigeon training to a human child.
 
You're not failing. The behavior mod system is failing you.
 
Every time you say, "If you don't clean your room, you can't go to your friend's house," you're literally saying:
 
"I don't believe you have any internal motivation to be a good human, so I have to manipulate you with external controls."
 
Every. Single. Time.
 
Still think consequences are teaching responsibility?
 
Stop asking: "How do I get my kid to _____?" Start asking: "What is my kid trying to tell me?"
 
Stop thinking: "They know better" Start thinking: "If they could do better, they would"
 
Stop fixing behavior. Start understanding humans.
 
⚡ Listen if:

• You've ever thought, "there has to be a better way"
• You're tired of feeling like a prison warden in your own home
• You've noticed consequences work... until they don't
• You want to raise kids who do the right thing even when no one's watching
• You're ready to stop parenting like it's 1952

🚫 Don't listen if:

• You think your kids are manipulating you
• You believe children are inherently selfish and need to be "trained"
• You're looking for a quick fix
• You're not ready to look at your own triggers
• You think connection is "soft" parenting

 
Ready to stop training and start connecting? Hit play.
 
But fair warning: You can't unknow what you're about to learn.

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