June 5, 2025 • 13 mins
🔗 Mentioned on this Episode: Show Notes 👈
What happens when your favorite trauma expert ends up casually saying hi to you through a client? In this heartfelt solo episode, I share a full-circle moment that took me by surprise—and reminded me how interconnected our healing journeys truly are.
You’ll hear how an author mentor’s work changed the way I parent, communicate in my marriage, coach my clients, and care for myself. We’ll explore what overfunctioning really means, why softening is not weakness, and how healing can be the most strategic move you make in your business.
This is an episode about remembering who you are underneath the performance—and why your ability to slow down, feel, and receive may just be your greatest business advantage.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Sheila (00:01):
I used to believe my ability to hold a lot was a
strength, until I discovered howthat belief was quietly burning
me out.
In today's episode, I'm sharingthe exact perspective shift
that's helped me show up morepowerfully in my parenting, my
marriage and my business,without doing more.
We'll talk about emotionalregulation, over-functioning and
(00:23):
a lesson I learned from one ofmy favorite authors and teachers
that has influenced how I liveand lead.
If you're in a season oftransition, drop in with me.
Hi, welcome to the Connect withSheila Botelho podcast.
I'm committed to helping youreconnect to your purpose,
elevate your well-being andbuild your version of a happy,
(00:43):
successful life.
Elevate your wellbeing andbuild your version of a happy,
successful life.
On today's solo chat, I want toshare some behind the scenes
insights and real stories frommy journey the beautiful, messy
and the meaningful parts thatreally have been shaping the
work that I do and the life thatI live.
And I want to start today witha story about a moment that felt
(01:06):
like the emotional equivalentof receiving a signed poster
from your favorite pop star.
It wasn't from Beyonce, itwasn't from Oprah, but it was
from someone who has had amassive impact on how I live,
love and lead.
Now, years ago, when my boyswere in middle school, I found
(01:28):
myself looking at differenttypes of parenting books and
things to really have a deeperconnection with my loves and to
make sure that I was in linewith some new ways of handling
relationships and making surethat my choices in parenting
were going to positively impactmy kids.
(01:50):
There comes a time in your lifeespecially if you've been in
the personal development spacefor many years where you do take
a look back and say, okay, howmuch am I doing on autopilot
here and what do I need toreally shift and what's
happening in the world around me?
Because we want to do the bestwe can, and so books were one of
(02:10):
the ways that I really tappedinto that, and I found the
author, gabor Mate.
If you don't know him, he's aNew York Times bestselling
author, a world-renowned experton trauma, addiction, stress and
childhood development, andsomeone whose work has cracked
me open in a way that onlytruth-tellers can.
(02:32):
He speaks to the raw,unfiltered parts of being human
the patterns we carry, the painthat we bury and the ways we try
to make sense of it all.
And at that time in my life Iwas doing what so many of us do,
trying to do it all, be it allas a mother, a wife, a human, a
(02:52):
daughter, and yet I could feelhow some of the ways I was
showing up were being drivenmore by who I had learned to be
rather than who I really reallywas.
So reading Gabor's work gave melanguage for what I was feeling
and so much beautifulpermission to shift it.
So this has been great.
(03:13):
It really has impacted how I'veparented my kids and how my
husband and I even talk aboutour decisions as parents.
And not only that, it'simpacted the way I approach my
relationships, the way Iapproach my clients.
And so fast forward to a fewmonths ago.
I was on a call with one of myclients and he casually
(03:35):
mentioned that he had beenstudying with Gabor in the UK
and I believe Gabor had alsocome to where he was in Eastern
Europe, so he wasn't justattending a talk.
I think he was part of aprogram at the time, so working
through his own unique approachto therapy.
I kind of chuckled and ofcourse I was like wow, that is
so amazing that you're workingwith him and I said something
(04:02):
off the cuff like well, tell him.
I said hi, you know, as ifwe're old friends, right, and we
had a chuckle over it.
And then, several days later,this unexpected email pops into
my inbox and it's a photo of myclient with Gabor in the UK I
think they were at Oxford orsomething and they're both
smiling, and underneath thephoto there was a note that
simply said Gabor says hi.
(04:23):
And I sat there and smiled likea little kid.
That moment was full circlebecause while it was playful, it
was also so meaningful.
This man, whose work helped megrow into a more grounded
version of myself, was now woveninto the lives of the people
that I support.
It was really beautiful.
It was really humbling as well.
(04:44):
Just such a reminder of howthis work connects all of us.
So today I want to share someof the ways Gabor's work has
shaped me, not in theory, but inreal daily life, in my
parenting.
I'm going to start there.
So the book I had initially readwas called Parents, hold On To
(05:04):
your Kids, and he had writtenthat actually with Gordon
Neufeld, who is a PhD also, andso their focus on child
development.
That's really what the focus ofthis book was, and it helped me
reframe what it meant todiscipline, not in the
traditional sense, but in theway we connect, attune and lead
(05:26):
with presence as parents.
And it gave me a new lens onwhy kids act out and how to
respond in a way that nurturesthe relationship instead of
shutting it down.
And it changed everything forme because, even though I had a
great connection with my boys,they were already just wonderful
, incredible souls andstrong-minded as well.
(05:49):
It helped me stop trying to beperfect as a parent and instead
focus on being present, to trustthat being a safe, emotionally
available anchor for my kids wasfar more powerful than any set
of rigid rules or expectations.
It was literally like a deepsigh of relief as I read through
(06:12):
the book and I felt myself likehighlighting the whole thing so
that my husband could readpieces of it, because you know
it's a thick book.
I commit to reading and I read alot, and so I usually will
highlight things for people whoI care about, like, oh, you got
to read this part, and so thatleads me to obviously, in my
marriage, it also impacted mymarriage, and so that leads me
to obviously in my marriage, italso impacted my marriage some
of his work.
It really helped me pausebefore reacting, which is it's a
(06:35):
growth edge for me.
I will admit you talk to myhusband oh hello, yes, I need to
hit more, I need to pause moreoften.
So it helped me stop assuming Ihad to manage everything and
allowing me to let myself beseen and supported instead of
automatically jumping intocaretaker mode.
Now, like so many women andreally humans on this planet,
(06:57):
over-functioning is a thing andit was my default for so long,
not because I wanted control,but because I thought it was the
way I showed my love.
Right.
If I over-function, what thatmeans is, ooh.
If I set the stage foreverything, if I make everything
nice and easy for people andcomfortable, then everybody's
good and taken care of right.
(07:18):
Well, number one, Gabor's workhelped me name what that was
over-functioning and he helpedme let it go and there's a
softening that's happened sincein my relationship because of
that, not just in how we speakto one another, but in how we
hold each other through theunspoken.
I no longer need to beeverything, be everywhere all at
(07:39):
once, I just need to be real.
And, of course, through thiswork I learned my husband was
not expecting me to beeverything or be everywhere, he
just wanted my presence, theways this work has impacted my
coaching is it's really changedthe way that I hold space, not
(08:00):
just in what I say, but how Ifeel when I'm listening.
Again, it's less performanceand more presence, less solving
and more witnessing.
I've noticed that the more Ihonor my own nervous system, the
deeper my clients go intotheirs.
It's like they can feel thesteadiness and safety and from
(08:23):
there the real transformationunfolds.
Some of my most powerful clientmoments actually haven't come
from all the big strategy shiftsthat happen together.
They've come from quiet momentsof recognition, when someone is
sharing their heart and I'mwitnessing it and just listening
(08:43):
and just really sharing mypresence.
And then they say to me I'venever said that out loud before
or if I've reflected somethingback to them like what I'm
hearing you say is this and whatI'm seeing light up in you is
this, or what I'm seeing you letgo of is this, and they respond
whoa, it just clicked for me.
It's so powerful to witness andwe realize that so often we're
(09:12):
so busy going through our lifewe don't give ourself the time
to actually look inwards andcome to these resolutions or
understandings about ourself.
And so that's why coaching isso powerful because it gives us
that space and the mirror ofsomeone who is holding presence
with you to reflect back to youwhat maybe you most need to see.
And, of course, I'm going toshare because self-care and
(09:34):
self-love and self-trust is sucha foundation of all the work I
do and it's really all begunwith me doing that work myself
on myself in myself and it'sreally all begun with me doing
that work myself on myself inmyself.
So, of course, this work withGabor and reading his work and
being witness to what he's doingin the world, it's really
helped in my relationship withmyself.
(09:55):
His work gave me language forgrace as more than a concept,
really as a practice.
Grace as a practice, grace as apractice.
So when I'm moving throughpersonal expansion and there's
been a lot over the last numberof years I come back to the idea
that the nervous systemremembers everything, that
(10:16):
self-compassion isn't just aluxury.
It truly is a strategy and itis a requirement if I want to
live, love and lead in a waythat is sustainable.
And sometimes I learned thisthat grace looks like canceling
a call, sometimes it's makingspace to cry before a launch,
(10:39):
like let the emotions movethrough me, and sometimes it's
remembering that I'm allowed towant more without even proving
that I deserve it first, whichis, I think, a new concept for
so many people, and I can saythat because I see it in my
clients every single day.
And now there's one more pieceI want to share that is
(11:00):
especially close to my heart,and it is this want to share
that is especially close to myheart, and it is this, this idea
that we don't need to abandonour past selves to become our
future selves.
We can truly honor the survivalpatterns, the coping strategies
and even the over-functioning,while still choosing to evolve
beyond them.
You know, somewhere along theway we learned to equate our
(11:25):
worth with how much we couldcarry, but we do get to lay some
of that down now.
I mean, let's lay all of itdown, can't we now?
And we get to do it withoutguilt.
That's what I want to leave youwith today.
It's okay if you're stilllearning to let go of what is no
longer aligned.
It's okay if you're doing thework of unlearning while still
(11:48):
showing up for everyone in yourworld.
And it's okay to be in themessy middle and still trust
that healing is happening.
You're allowed to rewrite therules, to reparent yourself and
to stop over-functioning andstart receiving.
To reparent yourself and tostop over-functioning and start
(12:09):
receiving, and to do it notbecause you may feel broken or
because I may feel broken, butbecause we're finally choosing
to be whole.
Gabor Mate often says somethingto the effect of you can't heal
what you don't feel, and I'velearned that you also can't grow
into the next version ofyourself if you don't pause to
acknowledge the version of whogot you here.
(12:32):
So, whether you're in a seasonof expansion, of letting go or
of learning to soften, pleasejust know this You're not behind
, you're not broken.
You are becoming and you get tobuild this life your way.
Thank you for listening, forbeing part of this journey with
(12:53):
me.
I invite you to take ascreenshot, share this episode
in your stories.
If it moved you in some way,tag me I'd love to hear what
part spoke to you most and formore ways to connect more deeply
with yourself and with me.
Go check out the links in theshow notes.
I hope you have an incrediblerest of your week.
Big blessings.
I used to believe my ability to hold a lot was a
strength, until I discovered howthat belief was quietly burning
me out.
In today's episode, I'm sharingthe exact perspective shift
that's helped me show up morepowerfully in my parenting, my
marriage and my business,without doing more.
We'll talk about emotionalregulation, over-functioning and
(00:23):
a lesson I learned from one ofmy favorite authors and teachers
that has influenced how I liveand lead.
If you're in a season oftransition, drop in with me.
Hi, welcome to the Connect withSheila Botelho podcast.
I'm committed to helping youreconnect to your purpose,
elevate your well-being andbuild your version of a happy,
(00:43):
successful life.
Elevate your wellbeing andbuild your version of a happy,
successful life.
On today's solo chat, I want toshare some behind the scenes
insights and real stories frommy journey the beautiful, messy
and the meaningful parts thatreally have been shaping the
work that I do and the life thatI live.
And I want to start today witha story about a moment that felt
(01:06):
like the emotional equivalentof receiving a signed poster
from your favorite pop star.
It wasn't from Beyonce, itwasn't from Oprah, but it was
from someone who has had amassive impact on how I live,
love and lead.
Now, years ago, when my boyswere in middle school, I found
(01:28):
myself looking at differenttypes of parenting books and
things to really have a deeperconnection with my loves and to
make sure that I was in linewith some new ways of handling
relationships and making surethat my choices in parenting
were going to positively impactmy kids.
(01:50):
There comes a time in your lifeespecially if you've been in
the personal development spacefor many years where you do take
a look back and say, okay, howmuch am I doing on autopilot
here and what do I need toreally shift and what's
happening in the world around me?
Because we want to do the bestwe can, and so books were one of
(02:10):
the ways that I really tappedinto that, and I found the
author, gabor Mate.
If you don't know him, he's aNew York Times bestselling
author, a world-renowned experton trauma, addiction, stress and
childhood development, andsomeone whose work has cracked
me open in a way that onlytruth-tellers can.
(02:32):
He speaks to the raw,unfiltered parts of being human
the patterns we carry, the painthat we bury and the ways we try
to make sense of it all.
And at that time in my life Iwas doing what so many of us do,
trying to do it all, be it allas a mother, a wife, a human, a
(02:52):
daughter, and yet I could feelhow some of the ways I was
showing up were being drivenmore by who I had learned to be
rather than who I really reallywas.
So reading Gabor's work gave melanguage for what I was feeling
and so much beautifulpermission to shift it.
So this has been great.
(03:13):
It really has impacted how I'veparented my kids and how my
husband and I even talk aboutour decisions as parents.
And not only that, it'simpacted the way I approach my
relationships, the way Iapproach my clients.
And so fast forward to a fewmonths ago.
I was on a call with one of myclients and he casually
(03:35):
mentioned that he had beenstudying with Gabor in the UK
and I believe Gabor had alsocome to where he was in Eastern
Europe, so he wasn't justattending a talk.
I think he was part of aprogram at the time, so working
through his own unique approachto therapy.
I kind of chuckled and ofcourse I was like wow, that is
so amazing that you're workingwith him and I said something
(04:02):
off the cuff like well, tell him.
I said hi, you know, as ifwe're old friends, right, and we
had a chuckle over it.
And then, several days later,this unexpected email pops into
my inbox and it's a photo of myclient with Gabor in the UK I
think they were at Oxford orsomething and they're both
smiling, and underneath thephoto there was a note that
simply said Gabor says hi.
(04:23):
And I sat there and smiled likea little kid.
That moment was full circlebecause while it was playful, it
was also so meaningful.
This man, whose work helped megrow into a more grounded
version of myself, was now woveninto the lives of the people
that I support.
It was really beautiful.
It was really humbling as well.
(04:44):
Just such a reminder of howthis work connects all of us.
So today I want to share someof the ways Gabor's work has
shaped me, not in theory, but inreal daily life, in my
parenting.
I'm going to start there.
So the book I had initially readwas called Parents, hold On To
(05:04):
your Kids, and he had writtenthat actually with Gordon
Neufeld, who is a PhD also, andso their focus on child
development.
That's really what the focus ofthis book was, and it helped me
reframe what it meant todiscipline, not in the
traditional sense, but in theway we connect, attune and lead
(05:26):
with presence as parents.
And it gave me a new lens onwhy kids act out and how to
respond in a way that nurturesthe relationship instead of
shutting it down.
And it changed everything forme because, even though I had a
great connection with my boys,they were already just wonderful
, incredible souls andstrong-minded as well.
(05:49):
It helped me stop trying to beperfect as a parent and instead
focus on being present, to trustthat being a safe, emotionally
available anchor for my kids wasfar more powerful than any set
of rigid rules or expectations.
It was literally like a deepsigh of relief as I read through
(06:12):
the book and I felt myself likehighlighting the whole thing so
that my husband could readpieces of it, because you know
it's a thick book.
I commit to reading and I read alot, and so I usually will
highlight things for people whoI care about, like, oh, you got
to read this part, and so thatleads me to obviously, in my
marriage, it also impacted mymarriage, and so that leads me
to obviously in my marriage, italso impacted my marriage some
of his work.
It really helped me pausebefore reacting, which is it's a
(06:35):
growth edge for me.
I will admit you talk to myhusband oh hello, yes, I need to
hit more, I need to pause moreoften.
So it helped me stop assuming Ihad to manage everything and
allowing me to let myself beseen and supported instead of
automatically jumping intocaretaker mode.
Now, like so many women andreally humans on this planet,
(06:57):
over-functioning is a thing andit was my default for so long,
not because I wanted control,but because I thought it was the
way I showed my love.
Right.
If I over-function, what thatmeans is, ooh.
If I set the stage foreverything, if I make everything
nice and easy for people andcomfortable, then everybody's
good and taken care of right.
(07:18):
Well, number one, Gabor's workhelped me name what that was
over-functioning and he helpedme let it go and there's a
softening that's happened sincein my relationship because of
that, not just in how we speakto one another, but in how we
hold each other through theunspoken.
I no longer need to beeverything, be everywhere all at
(07:39):
once, I just need to be real.
And, of course, through thiswork I learned my husband was
not expecting me to beeverything or be everywhere, he
just wanted my presence, theways this work has impacted my
coaching is it's really changedthe way that I hold space, not
(08:00):
just in what I say, but how Ifeel when I'm listening.
Again, it's less performanceand more presence, less solving
and more witnessing.
I've noticed that the more Ihonor my own nervous system, the
deeper my clients go intotheirs.
It's like they can feel thesteadiness and safety and from
(08:23):
there the real transformationunfolds.
Some of my most powerful clientmoments actually haven't come
from all the big strategy shiftsthat happen together.
They've come from quiet momentsof recognition, when someone is
sharing their heart and I'mwitnessing it and just listening
(08:43):
and just really sharing mypresence.
And then they say to me I'venever said that out loud before
or if I've reflected somethingback to them like what I'm
hearing you say is this and whatI'm seeing light up in you is
this, or what I'm seeing you letgo of is this, and they respond
whoa, it just clicked for me.
It's so powerful to witness andwe realize that so often we're
(09:12):
so busy going through our lifewe don't give ourself the time
to actually look inwards andcome to these resolutions or
understandings about ourself.
And so that's why coaching isso powerful because it gives us
that space and the mirror ofsomeone who is holding presence
with you to reflect back to youwhat maybe you most need to see.
And, of course, I'm going toshare because self-care and
(09:34):
self-love and self-trust is sucha foundation of all the work I
do and it's really all begunwith me doing that work myself
on myself in myself and it'sreally all begun with me doing
that work myself on myself inmyself.
So, of course, this work withGabor and reading his work and
being witness to what he's doingin the world, it's really
helped in my relationship withmyself.
(09:55):
His work gave me language forgrace as more than a concept,
really as a practice.
Grace as a practice, grace as apractice.
So when I'm moving throughpersonal expansion and there's
been a lot over the last numberof years I come back to the idea
that the nervous systemremembers everything, that
(10:16):
self-compassion isn't just aluxury.
It truly is a strategy and itis a requirement if I want to
live, love and lead in a waythat is sustainable.
And sometimes I learned thisthat grace looks like canceling
a call, sometimes it's makingspace to cry before a launch,
(10:39):
like let the emotions movethrough me, and sometimes it's
remembering that I'm allowed towant more without even proving
that I deserve it first, whichis, I think, a new concept for
so many people, and I can saythat because I see it in my
clients every single day.
And now there's one more pieceI want to share that is
(11:00):
especially close to my heart,and it is this want to share
that is especially close to myheart, and it is this, this idea
that we don't need to abandonour past selves to become our
future selves.
We can truly honor the survivalpatterns, the coping strategies
and even the over-functioning,while still choosing to evolve
beyond them.
You know, somewhere along theway we learned to equate our
(11:25):
worth with how much we couldcarry, but we do get to lay some
of that down now.
I mean, let's lay all of itdown, can't we now?
And we get to do it withoutguilt.
That's what I want to leave youwith today.
It's okay if you're stilllearning to let go of what is no
longer aligned.
It's okay if you're doing thework of unlearning while still
(11:48):
showing up for everyone in yourworld.
And it's okay to be in themessy middle and still trust
that healing is happening.
You're allowed to rewrite therules, to reparent yourself and
to stop over-functioning andstart receiving.
To reparent yourself and tostop over-functioning and start
(12:09):
receiving, and to do it notbecause you may feel broken or
because I may feel broken, butbecause we're finally choosing
to be whole.
Gabor Mate often says somethingto the effect of you can't heal
what you don't feel, and I'velearned that you also can't grow
into the next version ofyourself if you don't pause to
acknowledge the version of whogot you here.
(12:32):
So, whether you're in a seasonof expansion, of letting go or
of learning to soften, pleasejust know this You're not behind
, you're not broken.
You are becoming and you get tobuild this life your way.
Thank you for listening, forbeing part of this journey with
(12:53):
me.
I invite you to take ascreenshot, share this episode
in your stories.
If it moved you in some way,tag me I'd love to hear what
part spoke to you most and formore ways to connect more deeply
with yourself and with me.
Go check out the links in theshow notes.
I hope you have an incrediblerest of your week.
Big blessings.
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