May 22, 2025 ⢠17 mins
đ Mentioned on this Episode: Show Notes đ
Youâre not unmotivatedâand youâre definitely not broken. If youâve been shrinking your dream just enough to keep it comfortable, this episode will help you understand whyâand what to do about it.
I walk you through how high-achieving women often find themselves stuck in a loop where it looks like momentum, but feels like anxiety. We explore how over-functioning and fear-based decisions become invisible habits, and how to shift into true embodied success through a love-based leadership lens.
If you're ready for real changeâthe kind that doesnât require another course, another sprint, or another breakdownâthis episode will help you see your next step more clearly. It starts with one powerful shift: choosing love over fear.
Text us! What landed for you from this episode?
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đ§ Listen, Subscribe & Rate this podcast
đ˛ Follow me for more insights: Instagram | LinkedIn
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Sheila (00:02):
you're not unmotivated and you're not broken.
If you keep talking yourselfout of the very thing you say
you want, it's most likely notmindset.
It may be something elseentirely.
In this episode, I'll show youhow I help high-performing
clients finally move beyond thehidden patterns of holding
themselves back.
Without needing to go back andfix every word first.
(00:25):
You'll walk away with apractical framework to shift
from doing all the things into aclear, aligned action step that
expands your impact withoutburning you out again.
If you ever wondered why youkeep shrinking your dreams just
enough to feel safe, stay withme.
Enough to feel safe, stay withme.
(00:48):
Hi, welcome to the Connect withSheila Botelho podcast.
I'm committed to helping youreconnect to your purpose,
elevate your wellbeing and buildyour version of a happy,
successful life.
You're listening to a solo chatand we're going to be exploring
some real behind the scenessituations that go into growing
(01:08):
a business without sacrificingyourself in the process.
So today, when we talk aboutchoosing love over fear, like
when you think about that, whatcomes up for you?
It can maybe sound poetic,maybe even a bit out of reach,
but what does that really meanwhen you're building a business,
when you're managing ahousehold, nurturing
(01:31):
relationships and when you'rechasing your goals.
This mini-sode that I did thisweek really touched on the
hidden habits and traits ofpeople who are sabotaging growth
in their lives, and so todaywe're going to go a little
deeper, and I wanted to talkabout what choosing love over
(01:52):
fear actually looks like inpractice in your decisions, in
your leadership and, mostimportantly, in how you relate
to yourself.
So some of my clients come to mein what looks like high
functioning momentum, butunderneath they're often in a
state of what has been termedfunctional freeze, and so I
(02:16):
identify this often because I'veseen it in myself.
I've seen it in many otherclients too.
Like you kind of can see thesigns, and on our first call
they typically will present adetailed list all the programs
they've tried, all the waysthings didn't work, the
challenges in their business, intheir marriage, in their health
, in their parenting, everythingright.
(02:38):
And then they often will saysomething like I'm just not sure
if this will work for me.
It's like they've built anescape hatch before the process
has even begun, just like thoselittle exit signs, you see, you
know when you're about to getonto a Disney ride.
It's like if I want to justkind of leave and not go on the
ride.
We can, and hey, those aregreat.
(02:59):
It's like they need a way outin case this dream gets too big,
if it goes too fast or ifthey're feeling too
uncomfortable, and truly well,we know what this is.
When we really look at it, it'sfear.
And again, like I said, I getit because I was there too.
(03:20):
So I, early on in my life,internalized that achievement
equaled safety.
If I performed well, I got love.
I'm fortunate I got love mostof the time anyway.
But something about performancereally took it up a notch and
(03:42):
that had me wanting to performmore.
I got more love, and that hadme wanting to perform more.
I got more love.
Right, maybe you've had asimilar experience.
I found that the people aroundme whether it's in my home or at
school or wherever I was if Ihelped others, I belonged.
So I became excellent atover-functioning, at over-giving
(04:02):
and at being the strong one,but underneath it I was getting
tired, even at a young age,because I was afraid that if I
stopped, if I slowed down, eveneverything that I worked for
would collapse.
And I didn't even know I wasoperating from fear.
It was just the water I swam in.
So it took years to realizethat love wasn't something to
(04:24):
earn through performance.
It was something to choose,starting with how I treated
myself, loving myself right.
And when I started doing that,everything changed the way that
I showed up in my relationships,the way I would sell, the way I
coached people, the way Irested, how I received things
(04:47):
from a compliment to someonegiving me a gift.
So I love this wonderfultherapist by the name of Gabor
Mate and he talks about howtrauma isn't just what happens
to us, it's what happens insideof us in response to
(05:08):
disconnection.
We call this functional freezeand it's a trauma response.
From what he says, it lookslike chronic overthinking,
analysis, paralysis.
So you just like constantlyhave to look at every detail
from every angle and find itreally hard to move forward,
(05:29):
Over-preparing, but never reallylaunching something new or
stepping into the new room oronto the new stage, and then
always asking for just one morecourse or one more sign.
This has been termedhigh-functioning codependency by
someone by the name of TerryCole, and where your worth is
(05:53):
tied to how much you do, howmuch you solve, how much you
control.
This is high-functioningcodependency and so, truly when
we think about it, if we can letthat one land.
I mean.
I know I just put a whole lotof terms out there for you to
think about and maybe you'reremembering times in your own
life where these things havecome up for you.
(06:15):
But let's think about what doesthis look like in practice?
Yeah, when you choose love overfear.
So choosing love is not alwayssoft.
Sometimes we think it is.
But let's think about parentingfor a moment.
Sometimes the loving thing issaying no.
Sometimes the loving thing istaking things away from our
(06:38):
children that are just nothealthy for them.
That's love, right, and there'sother elements there as well.
Sometimes for you, it might besaying no to an opportunity that
just doesn't align, even ifit's profitable.
It could look like delegatingthe tasks that you can do faster
yourself, but when you letsomeone else do them, they
(07:02):
actually give you bandwidth todo bigger things, to do things
that are helping you moveforward, to step into those new
rooms and to cultivate how itfeels being in new spaces.
It could be taking a fullweekend off without guilt.
Imagine that when you are aleader, even if you're working
(07:22):
in a corporate space, or if youare an entrepreneur running your
business.
Even if you're working in acorporate space, or if you are
an entrepreneur running yourbusiness, those things, those
projects you're working on, it'svery difficult to keep them in
a different compartment all thetime.
When you're away, when you're ona break or on a weekend, things
come up.
You're a creative person.
You can't just shut off thatpart of your brain.
(07:44):
Necessarily, some of us getbetter than others over time.
But to do it without guilt,that's the kicker Thinking, oh,
if I don't do this now, what'snext week going to look like?
Right?
And when we think about Imentioned sales earlier sales
can be a real trigger point fora lot of people.
So think about the things thatyou have, whether it's your
(08:14):
products or your services thatyou're offering.
Are they really reflecting yourvalue?
What is the loving thing to dothere?
Well, truly, love is clarity,love is honesty, love is
sustainable, something that youcan keep doing over and over,
instead of saying, well, I needto over-function, I need to make
sure everybody's going to beokay.
And so in order for me to dothat in certain circumstances, I
(08:37):
just need to suck it up anddeal with it.
And even though I'm exhausted,even though maybe deal with it
and even though I'm exhausted,even though maybe I'm giving
more than I should be.
How is that love?
It's not love to you and,frankly, it's not love to the
(08:58):
other people because then you'renot being honest in a sense,
because you're showing peoplethis is what's actually
sustainable and then they startbelieving a lie that they could
show up in the same wayovergiving, overgiving and
feeling amazing when truly youknow behind the scenes you're
not feeling amazing.
So saying no, settingboundaries, it's the most loving
(09:19):
thing to do, because thenyou're also able to show up in
much better energy to trulyserve the people that you're
called to serve.
So I have some questions for youto reflect on, as I'm known to
do, because you can listen andlisten and listen to what I have
to say.
It's really when you startapplying them to your own life
(09:41):
that you find out really howpowerful and impactful the
changes are that you can make.
So what I want you to do is,when you're going through these
questions you may be drivingright now, you may be in the
middle of something else, likewhile you're listening to this
in the background come back tothis and when you do, take a
(10:02):
deep breath, get still, and Iinvite you to journal on some of
these questions.
The first one is where in yourlife or business are you
operating from fear right now?
You may need to go a few layersdeeper each time.
Ask this question more thanonce.
(10:24):
It may not be one you reallywant to focus on, but you
probably know the answer.
It probably hits you in the gutright now as soon as I mention
that.
Is it fear of being judged?
Is it the fear of failing?
Is it the fear of lettingsomeone down?
My next question for you is whatis fear costing you?
(10:48):
That's a big one.
There's a lot of costs to fear.
Is it time?
Is it energy, joy,opportunities, right?
When you're able to step outinto something with power, you
at least know what the outcomeis, and then you get stronger,
(11:10):
and then you can do other things, and then you're that much
closer to the type of life thatyou want to live that otherwise
maybe you won't ever find outwhat it feels like, because you
didn't step over that thresholdof fear and you can do it in
small steps.
You don't need to leap in.
Sometimes leaping is great, butyou need to choose what's right
(11:32):
for you.
The next question is what wouldlove choose here instead?
What would love choose hereinstead?
Love for yourself, love foryour future, love for the
version of you that is ready toexpand?
(11:54):
Think about that.
You're still watching thisright now, or listening, because
I think you probably do want toexpand.
You want to see what's next.
You're not totally satisfiedjust being where you're at right
now.
You're maybe very grateful forwhere you are, and I hope you
(12:14):
are.
I think there's alwayssomething to be grateful for in
the present moment, as much aswe want to move on from it
sometimes.
There's always something tolearn and something to really
bring with us into the newversions of ourself.
But if you really want toexpand and you're not allowing
yourself to step over the fearto do so, you'll never know.
(12:38):
So ask that question.
Another question what boundarieswould you love to reinforce?
This is a great one.
You might find this one alittle easier to do because it's
like okay, these are the onesthat you can really ask during a
time where you're really busyand really tired, because that's
(13:01):
when the honesty comes up right, the filter is gone.
So what boundaries would youlike to reinforce around your
schedule, perhaps around yourenergy, around this one's great,
the stories that you no longerwant to tell yourself, right?
The ones that you say, whenthings get tough, start
(13:24):
challenging yourself.
Around those, put a boundary up.
And, lastly, what is one microaction that you can take today
to honor that love-based choice?
Okay, this.
This is often like sitting downwith yourself and truly looking
in the mirror and saying, okay,this is the thing I need to do.
(13:47):
Maybe it's sending the email,maybe it is raising a price,
Taking a nap.
Let's be honest with ourselves.
If you're tired, maybe you needa nap.
Right, make the hire, hire theperson, get the help, do the
(14:09):
thing you've been putting off.
You don't need to go back to fixeverything, though.
By the way, I know I wasreferring to some wonderful
therapists, and their work isreally beautiful, and one of the
things that I've learned fromthem is well, it's nice to have
some information about our past,because, you know, we love
context.
We love to know I'm in my story, where am I in my story and
(14:30):
what has happened.
You know around me in my life,what has happened in the lives
of other people that hasimpacted me, right?
It's kind of nice to have.
That it's our context.
However, the beautiful news isyou don't have to go back and
relive every painful moment toheal.
You simply need to choosedifferently now.
(14:50):
While it helps to understandwhere our patterns began, truly
the power lives right now, inthe next moment where you say I
deserve ease.
I choose what honors mywell-being.
I lead from clarity, not fear,and this is where true embodied
(15:13):
success begins.
So I hope you go through thosequestions, you find a quiet
space.
I love listening to MiracleTones there's so many different
playlists you can find onSpotify or Apple Music or
wherever and listen to thesebeautiful tones that are very
healing and they just supportyou as you're going through
(15:35):
things like these deep questions.
Or perhaps you just want tohave no sound around you other
than like the birds chirping inthe background, right, some
nature sounds or the ocean,depending on where you live.
I invite you to practiceembodied success as often as you
can and, if you haven't seen italready, we have the embodied
(15:57):
success method and meditation aswell, where I walk you through
some specific things in thismeditation that really help you
solidify what is true for younow, what you want to be true
for you, and moving you throughputting it together.
What are the steps?
So, if this episode movedsomething in you, I invite you
(16:21):
to practice the embodied successmeditation this week.
It's linked below, it's in theshow notes and it's free.
You can use it to slow down, totune in and start leading
yourself with and from love.
Your next level of growth doesnot require more hustle.
It requires more honesty withyourself.
So I really thank you for beinghere, thank you for taking this
(16:46):
time for you, and I hope youhave a really beautiful rest of
your day.
I'll see you on another episode.
Big blessings.
you're not unmotivated and you're not broken.
If you keep talking yourselfout of the very thing you say
you want, it's most likely notmindset.
It may be something elseentirely.
In this episode, I'll show youhow I help high-performing
clients finally move beyond thehidden patterns of holding
themselves back.
Without needing to go back andfix every word first.
(00:25):
You'll walk away with apractical framework to shift
from doing all the things into aclear, aligned action step that
expands your impact withoutburning you out again.
If you ever wondered why youkeep shrinking your dreams just
enough to feel safe, stay withme.
Enough to feel safe, stay withme.
(00:48):
Hi, welcome to the Connect withSheila Botelho podcast.
I'm committed to helping youreconnect to your purpose,
elevate your wellbeing and buildyour version of a happy,
successful life.
You're listening to a solo chatand we're going to be exploring
some real behind the scenessituations that go into growing
(01:08):
a business without sacrificingyourself in the process.
So today, when we talk aboutchoosing love over fear, like
when you think about that, whatcomes up for you?
It can maybe sound poetic,maybe even a bit out of reach,
but what does that really meanwhen you're building a business,
when you're managing ahousehold, nurturing
(01:31):
relationships and when you'rechasing your goals.
This mini-sode that I did thisweek really touched on the
hidden habits and traits ofpeople who are sabotaging growth
in their lives, and so todaywe're going to go a little
deeper, and I wanted to talkabout what choosing love over
(01:52):
fear actually looks like inpractice in your decisions, in
your leadership and, mostimportantly, in how you relate
to yourself.
So some of my clients come to mein what looks like high
functioning momentum, butunderneath they're often in a
state of what has been termedfunctional freeze, and so I
(02:16):
identify this often because I'veseen it in myself.
I've seen it in many otherclients too.
Like you kind of can see thesigns, and on our first call
they typically will present adetailed list all the programs
they've tried, all the waysthings didn't work, the
challenges in their business, intheir marriage, in their health
, in their parenting, everythingright.
(02:38):
And then they often will saysomething like I'm just not sure
if this will work for me.
It's like they've built anescape hatch before the process
has even begun, just like thoselittle exit signs, you see, you
know when you're about to getonto a Disney ride.
It's like if I want to justkind of leave and not go on the
ride.
We can, and hey, those aregreat.
(02:59):
It's like they need a way outin case this dream gets too big,
if it goes too fast or ifthey're feeling too
uncomfortable, and truly well,we know what this is.
When we really look at it, it'sfear.
And again, like I said, I getit because I was there too.
(03:20):
So I, early on in my life,internalized that achievement
equaled safety.
If I performed well, I got love.
I'm fortunate I got love mostof the time anyway.
But something about performancereally took it up a notch and
(03:42):
that had me wanting to performmore.
I got more love, and that hadme wanting to perform more.
I got more love.
Right, maybe you've had asimilar experience.
I found that the people aroundme whether it's in my home or at
school or wherever I was if Ihelped others, I belonged.
So I became excellent atover-functioning, at over-giving
(04:02):
and at being the strong one,but underneath it I was getting
tired, even at a young age,because I was afraid that if I
stopped, if I slowed down, eveneverything that I worked for
would collapse.
And I didn't even know I wasoperating from fear.
It was just the water I swam in.
So it took years to realizethat love wasn't something to
(04:24):
earn through performance.
It was something to choose,starting with how I treated
myself, loving myself right.
And when I started doing that,everything changed the way that
I showed up in my relationships,the way I would sell, the way I
coached people, the way Irested, how I received things
(04:47):
from a compliment to someonegiving me a gift.
So I love this wonderfultherapist by the name of Gabor
Mate and he talks about howtrauma isn't just what happens
to us, it's what happens insideof us in response to
(05:08):
disconnection.
We call this functional freezeand it's a trauma response.
From what he says, it lookslike chronic overthinking,
analysis, paralysis.
So you just like constantlyhave to look at every detail
from every angle and find itreally hard to move forward,
(05:29):
Over-preparing, but never reallylaunching something new or
stepping into the new room oronto the new stage, and then
always asking for just one morecourse or one more sign.
This has been termedhigh-functioning codependency by
someone by the name of TerryCole, and where your worth is
(05:53):
tied to how much you do, howmuch you solve, how much you
control.
This is high-functioningcodependency and so, truly when
we think about it, if we can letthat one land.
I mean.
I know I just put a whole lotof terms out there for you to
think about and maybe you'reremembering times in your own
life where these things havecome up for you.
(06:15):
But let's think about what doesthis look like in practice?
Yeah, when you choose love overfear.
So choosing love is not alwayssoft.
Sometimes we think it is.
But let's think about parentingfor a moment.
Sometimes the loving thing issaying no.
Sometimes the loving thing istaking things away from our
(06:38):
children that are just nothealthy for them.
That's love, right, and there'sother elements there as well.
Sometimes for you, it might besaying no to an opportunity that
just doesn't align, even ifit's profitable.
It could look like delegatingthe tasks that you can do faster
yourself, but when you letsomeone else do them, they
(07:02):
actually give you bandwidth todo bigger things, to do things
that are helping you moveforward, to step into those new
rooms and to cultivate how itfeels being in new spaces.
It could be taking a fullweekend off without guilt.
Imagine that when you are aleader, even if you're working
(07:22):
in a corporate space, or if youare an entrepreneur running your
business.
Even if you're working in acorporate space, or if you are
an entrepreneur running yourbusiness, those things, those
projects you're working on, it'svery difficult to keep them in
a different compartment all thetime.
When you're away, when you're ona break or on a weekend, things
come up.
You're a creative person.
You can't just shut off thatpart of your brain.
(07:44):
Necessarily, some of us getbetter than others over time.
But to do it without guilt,that's the kicker Thinking, oh,
if I don't do this now, what'snext week going to look like?
Right?
And when we think about Imentioned sales earlier sales
can be a real trigger point fora lot of people.
So think about the things thatyou have, whether it's your
(08:14):
products or your services thatyou're offering.
Are they really reflecting yourvalue?
What is the loving thing to dothere?
Well, truly, love is clarity,love is honesty, love is
sustainable, something that youcan keep doing over and over,
instead of saying, well, I needto over-function, I need to make
sure everybody's going to beokay.
And so in order for me to dothat in certain circumstances, I
(08:37):
just need to suck it up anddeal with it.
And even though I'm exhausted,even though maybe deal with it
and even though I'm exhausted,even though maybe I'm giving
more than I should be.
How is that love?
It's not love to you and,frankly, it's not love to the
(08:58):
other people because then you'renot being honest in a sense,
because you're showing peoplethis is what's actually
sustainable and then they startbelieving a lie that they could
show up in the same wayovergiving, overgiving and
feeling amazing when truly youknow behind the scenes you're
not feeling amazing.
So saying no, settingboundaries, it's the most loving
(09:19):
thing to do, because thenyou're also able to show up in
much better energy to trulyserve the people that you're
called to serve.
So I have some questions for youto reflect on, as I'm known to
do, because you can listen andlisten and listen to what I have
to say.
It's really when you startapplying them to your own life
(09:41):
that you find out really howpowerful and impactful the
changes are that you can make.
So what I want you to do is,when you're going through these
questions you may be drivingright now, you may be in the
middle of something else, likewhile you're listening to this
in the background come back tothis and when you do, take a
(10:02):
deep breath, get still, and Iinvite you to journal on some of
these questions.
The first one is where in yourlife or business are you
operating from fear right now?
You may need to go a few layersdeeper each time.
Ask this question more thanonce.
(10:24):
It may not be one you reallywant to focus on, but you
probably know the answer.
It probably hits you in the gutright now as soon as I mention
that.
Is it fear of being judged?
Is it the fear of failing?
Is it the fear of lettingsomeone down?
My next question for you is whatis fear costing you?
(10:48):
That's a big one.
There's a lot of costs to fear.
Is it time?
Is it energy, joy,opportunities, right?
When you're able to step outinto something with power, you
at least know what the outcomeis, and then you get stronger,
(11:10):
and then you can do other things, and then you're that much
closer to the type of life thatyou want to live that otherwise
maybe you won't ever find outwhat it feels like, because you
didn't step over that thresholdof fear and you can do it in
small steps.
You don't need to leap in.
Sometimes leaping is great, butyou need to choose what's right
(11:32):
for you.
The next question is what wouldlove choose here instead?
What would love choose hereinstead?
Love for yourself, love foryour future, love for the
version of you that is ready toexpand?
(11:54):
Think about that.
You're still watching thisright now, or listening, because
I think you probably do want toexpand.
You want to see what's next.
You're not totally satisfiedjust being where you're at right
now.
You're maybe very grateful forwhere you are, and I hope you
(12:14):
are.
I think there's alwayssomething to be grateful for in
the present moment, as much aswe want to move on from it
sometimes.
There's always something tolearn and something to really
bring with us into the newversions of ourself.
But if you really want toexpand and you're not allowing
yourself to step over the fearto do so, you'll never know.
(12:38):
So ask that question.
Another question what boundarieswould you love to reinforce?
This is a great one.
You might find this one alittle easier to do because it's
like okay, these are the onesthat you can really ask during a
time where you're really busyand really tired, because that's
(13:01):
when the honesty comes up right, the filter is gone.
So what boundaries would youlike to reinforce around your
schedule, perhaps around yourenergy, around this one's great,
the stories that you no longerwant to tell yourself, right?
The ones that you say, whenthings get tough, start
(13:24):
challenging yourself.
Around those, put a boundary up.
And, lastly, what is one microaction that you can take today
to honor that love-based choice?
Okay, this.
This is often like sitting downwith yourself and truly looking
in the mirror and saying, okay,this is the thing I need to do.
(13:47):
Maybe it's sending the email,maybe it is raising a price,
Taking a nap.
Let's be honest with ourselves.
If you're tired, maybe you needa nap.
Right, make the hire, hire theperson, get the help, do the
(14:09):
thing you've been putting off.
You don't need to go back to fixeverything, though.
By the way, I know I wasreferring to some wonderful
therapists, and their work isreally beautiful, and one of the
things that I've learned fromthem is well, it's nice to have
some information about our past,because, you know, we love
context.
We love to know I'm in my story, where am I in my story and
(14:30):
what has happened.
You know around me in my life,what has happened in the lives
of other people that hasimpacted me, right?
It's kind of nice to have.
That it's our context.
However, the beautiful news isyou don't have to go back and
relive every painful moment toheal.
You simply need to choosedifferently now.
(14:50):
While it helps to understandwhere our patterns began, truly
the power lives right now, inthe next moment where you say I
deserve ease.
I choose what honors mywell-being.
I lead from clarity, not fear,and this is where true embodied
(15:13):
success begins.
So I hope you go through thosequestions, you find a quiet
space.
I love listening to MiracleTones there's so many different
playlists you can find onSpotify or Apple Music or
wherever and listen to thesebeautiful tones that are very
healing and they just supportyou as you're going through
(15:35):
things like these deep questions.
Or perhaps you just want tohave no sound around you other
than like the birds chirping inthe background, right, some
nature sounds or the ocean,depending on where you live.
I invite you to practiceembodied success as often as you
can and, if you haven't seen italready, we have the embodied
(15:57):
success method and meditation aswell, where I walk you through
some specific things in thismeditation that really help you
solidify what is true for younow, what you want to be true
for you, and moving you throughputting it together.
What are the steps?
So, if this episode movedsomething in you, I invite you
(16:21):
to practice the embodied successmeditation this week.
It's linked below, it's in theshow notes and it's free.
You can use it to slow down, totune in and start leading
yourself with and from love.
Your next level of growth doesnot require more hustle.
It requires more honesty withyourself.
So I really thank you for beinghere, thank you for taking this
(16:46):
time for you, and I hope youhave a really beautiful rest of
your day.
I'll see you on another episode.
Big blessings.
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