August 24, 2022 • 40 mins
Jeff Pride is a good ol' boy at heart but the city has got a hold of him and he seems here to stay, Always in a great mood, always ready to help. He sat and chilled with me for a while and here's some of the things we talked about:
Happy parents
Judging ourselves
Alcoholism
Finding balance
Fighting to become a better actor
...and much more
So put on your chill and come listen in.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Unknown (00:08):
Welcome to courage under the stars with Michael
Vieyra. That's me, I am MichaelVieyra. Here I speak off the
cuff with people that I findinteresting. We are going to sit
in a darkened room, just Yeah,allowing you to eavesdrop. I
tell my guests, no politics, noreligion, but otherwise, I don't
care what we talk about as longas it comes from my heart. I
(00:29):
hope even just a small part ofit resonates with you. Some of
it will, some of it won't. Andthat's okay. But I'm just glad
you're here. I really do loveall of you. And thanks for
coming. Let's get this thingstarted. How
is it weird? Looking up at thesource in my room?
(00:53):
That's a good question. Like Iwas saying I was kidding around
before you started recording.
And I would say just the wholeexperience so far. This is
definitely like a weird one ofthe weird things that I've been
asked to do.
I'm not sure that lens lens,great credence to my little
podcast, Jeff. You know, one ofthe things I love about you is
(01:16):
your stupid laugh. And, and yournonstop smile? I got to ask you
right up front. What is the dealwith that? I used to wonder
before I met you. Is it fake? Ishe? Is he really in a good mood?
But you really do seem to be? AmI Is that a myth? Am I correct?
No. I know you used to. We hadthis deep Converse. I mean, not
(01:39):
deep, deep ish conversation onetime at 200. South when you were
like in this, like selfdiscovery of happiness. Yeah,
that and you were asking me arethe same question you just asked
me, which is are youauthentically happy? Or is it an
act? And? Yeah, my debt my dadis just always in this pleasant,
(02:01):
nice, optimistic place. I mean,place and way all the time. And
so I mean, they they definitelypass that on to me. And so yeah,
it mean, truly, it's authenticis all hell.
So you're telling me thatgrowing up your dad was not what
I would call a typical dad. Yourdad was always fun and playful.
(02:23):
And in a good mood. Yeah. Yeah.
What a blessing dude.
I know. It was like, really?
Anything that's happened in mylife? It's because my parents
are both like truly the mostamazing parents and people that
I could have been blessed withhis parents. Yeah. My dad was a
pharmacist originally went topharmacy school, he was always
(02:45):
trying to figure out ways tomake money. Of course, like
every man, yeah. And then whenhe had me, with my mom, he
basically wanted to figure out ajob where he could spend more
time with me. And so he'sstarted selling real estate so
that he could spend more timewith me and go to my practices.
He Oh, do you?
(03:08):
I was five, probably like, onceI started playing sports. I
think my dad always wanted a boythat played sports. And so once
I became that age where he couldplay with me and practice with
me, I think he basically becamethis real estate agent. So he
did not have to be at the officeall the time, because it's a
farm. Come see your games andwhatnot. Exactly. Yeah, I really
(03:29):
don't think my dad ever missed agame that I played in.
Is your dad still with us? Yeah.
And is he? Does he still carrythe same gregariousness? Or is
he a little more so sober? Yeah,no, he
does. He just, it's like, what'sweird about my dad? Is that I
would say, because he's sooptimistic and positive about
(03:50):
things. And he just, he's justnot worried about life or
anything happening. Yeah. But Iwould say the one flip side of
that, or downside of that isthat there are times I wish my
dad was a little bit deeper.
Because like, my dad really onlycares a lot of times about the
finish line. Like he doesn'treally care about the journey as
much. Ah, so like, he's alwayslike, Oh, great. You booked that
(04:13):
thing? Or you accomplish thatthing? That's great. What's
next? It's never like, tell meabout how you felt when you were
doing that thing, or what wasthe struggle or? Yes, so tell me
tell me more about how that madeyou feel.
And so is that the way that I'mhearing that I could be hearing
(04:34):
it wrong is it's he's not deepacross any level can you can
just have a conversation aboutany other life politics,
whatever else.
Yeah, we can. And but, but it's,it really is ultimately a lot of
times more surface, and that'salways been my biggest complaint
about my dad. I have hadincredibly deep conversations
(04:56):
with him if I've ever been introuble or really needed him. Am
I can talk to him about thatstuff, but it's not really his
comfort zone is comfort zone is,again more everything's okay.
It's gonna be okay. sort of bepositive and happy. And that's
how you should live your life.
Like don't sweat the smallthings, right? Yeah.
(05:18):
But you're only child. Yeah.
Yeah.
So my mom was married twice formy dad, my dad was married twice
before my mom there. So they'reboth on their third marriage.
They've been together my wholelife. So I just always assumed
that it was their first marriageand never thought to ask
Holy cow.
Yeah. When did you figure thatout? So my, my mom's second
(05:40):
husband was an alcoholic. Andmy, there was a period of time
when my sister didn't want tohave anything to do with him.
And so they had to come to meand say, Listen, if this guy Jim
ever calls the house asking forStephanie. Tell him where she
is. Or give him her number. Thefont Yeah. And then, of course,
(06:00):
I was maybe 12 or 13, I thinkwhen that happened, or 1010 or
11. And so then, of course, Iwas like, What is going on with
this? And then basically, theywere like, Okay, so here's the
deal. My, you know, I wasmarried twice for your dad.
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff. So obviously, he's gonnahand you down that trait of just
being in a pleasant state. Butwhat do you do now to keep that
(06:25):
up? There can't You can't be ina pleasant state. 24/7 What do
you do when you're down?
Yeah, for sure. I I've had somegood wisdom. And I mean, I'm in
I was, I mean, I'm an alcoholic.
So I've been 10 years sober.
Congratulations, dude. That'sawesome. I appreciate it. Yeah.
And so I've had a lot of wordsof wisdom, words of advice,
(06:47):
words of wisdom from people inAAA. And one of the best pieces
of advice I ever got was whenyou're down or feeling shitty.
Just keep going. So don't judgeyourself about being upset.
Yeah, yeah. Because I think it'sreally easy. Because, look, the
I, in my opinion, the universerewards positive good feelings.
(07:10):
I agree. I think the hair thehair or hair, the longer the
longer we're here. I think thelonger we're here, the more that
I've really seen that. But thenthe flip side of that is when
you feel bad, and you're in anegative place, that you judge
yourself, and you think, Oh,well, because I feel bad, the
universe isn't working for me,or I'm not headed in the right
(07:33):
direction. So I need to, I justneed to feel good. So that good
things can happen to me. And soyou like, then you get real in a
real spiral about that. And so,just getting that piece of
advice is like allow me to,like, not feel good, and feel
depressed and feel sad, and allthose things that your works
(07:55):
against you. Yeah, that worksagainst you. But that also makes
and I think the good thing aboutlike, being able to look at my
dad and look at myself is I go,Well, that's Look, I love my
daddy, he's amazing. But to me,his thing that doesn't work for
him is like he's not asconnected and not okay with the
negative and like, and being rawand upset and depressed and all
(08:19):
of those things. And so, and Ijust think it is okay for me to
feel that way. And I have that alot.
You know, it's not the exactsame thing. But to kind of
piggyback on that my one of thethings my therapist told me,
which I loved for myself,because I used to always get on
myself for judging people. Andshe said, next time you judge,
(08:39):
don't, don't scold yourself forjudging, just recognize that
you're doing it and move on. AndI thought, holy shit, yeah,
that's it. I really feel thesame way about being down or
depressed. I just, I'm okay withit. I'm fine with it. But then,
of course, I try, like, I livein it. But then of course, I try
to find ways to you'd like, takea vacation or do something nice
(09:03):
for myself or call some friend.
It's like, for me, it's aboutconnection. Most of the time I
feel disconnected from peoplewhen I feel down. Or I'm like,
working too hard by myself. AndI'm not connected, and I don't
feel the love. And so that is myThe thing I've recently learned
is I have to reach out to peopleand call people on the phone and
(09:24):
try to meet them in real life.
Because it's it's it's sobizarre what has happened to the
world now that like, that's nota thing anymore. Like just being
able to see people it feels likethat's been taken from us, you
know, in a lot of ways.
One thing for me is I'm huge onhuman connection, we just need
(09:45):
it. We can't get by without it.
But I do think that if we don'thave it with our within
ourselves, it's so hard to haveit with somebody else. I've
always said that if you can't behappy with yourself, how can you
be happy with anyone else? Orhow are they going to be happy
with View? What do you are youhappy enough with yourself?
Because I know you said youreach out to people when you
(10:06):
need it. But are you okay? Ifyou can't reach out?
Yeah, absolutely. I definitelyfeel. Again, it's like this. I
don't know if it comes from justmy parents upbringing, which I
would say yes, but it alsobecause sports was such a big
part of my life. I think sportsis so great for kids, because it
(10:28):
teaches them when it's not goingwell, to stay in there and fight
and really struggle. And then ifyou do that, you will ultimately
find success. And then sometimesyou won't. And there's lessons
from that also. And so I dobelieve happiness comes from
within. And so like going backto your original question, which
(10:50):
was does is it real for me? Ordoes it say it seems potentially
fake from the outside? I justthink because I've had these
incredible sports lessons. Andthat's sort of what my dad and
mom distilled upon me is that Iam incredibly happy almost most
of the time.
(11:11):
Jeff, you're 10 years sober. Butare there still issues? Is it
hard not to have a drink?
I don't think about alcoholanymore. I will say it's much
harder to meet girls sober thanit is when you're drinking,
because that's just a naturalway to confidence. Confidence.
(11:33):
Yeah. Yeah.
And what about validating whenyou drink when you drink, it
validates who you are, which Iguess ultimately becomes part of
that confidence.
Yeah, if you can get a woman totake a drink or smoke a joint or
do a line of cocaine with you,there's automatically a
connection there because you'redoing this sort of bad thing
(11:53):
together. And so it's a goodpoint. It's like, oh, I can be
I, I'm obviously not straight.
And Eric, like, straighten onthe straight and narrow, like,
you're not either. So we'redoing this sort of naughty thing
together. Obviously, withdifferent different degrees of
it. I mean, taking a drinksmoking a joint or doing
cocaine. Yeah. But it justcombined, it just connects you
(12:14):
in a way that I don't know. Andobviously, alcohol puts down
your defenses and then you can,you know, do whatever.
Can I assume that that'sultimately just leaves you with
an empty feeling at the end ofthe day?
Being with somebody because youdrank and met them and had a one
night stand?
Well, not the one night stand. Igotta assume a one night stand
(12:35):
might may or may not leave youempty. But I'm saying if you're
with somebody because we're justbeing naughty and looking at us,
we're, we're drinking and doingdrugs. There's nothing
fulfilling at the end of the dayafter that. It's all you had was
the naughtiness?
I guess. So I do think that ifyou're sharing a bottle of wine
or a beer, and you, you canconnect and drink that way, and
(12:56):
then I think that takes you tothe second date, potentially.
Okay, I think it's, I think itis harder for people that don't
drink to ask why don't youdrink? It seems like this easy
thing to do this like socialnorm of just like, haven't have
a cocktail have a glass of wine.
And what's the problem there?
(13:16):
Yeah. And so it reallyeliminates the amount of people
that you can be with when you'resober in my opinion.
So how far is it? Where does itlie? Now? Is it easy to not have
a drink? Is it a constantbattle?
I've gotten the point now whereI don't even think about it.
(13:36):
Awesome. Yeah, I do. Like Ialways I sort of fantasize about
smoking weed or doing cocainelike going to Vegas. And meeting
a girl and blowing some cocaineor smoking weed. I mean, yes,
drinking also. But then I justsort of allow that to be a
(13:57):
fantasy and don't really do it.
Was Was all those shenanigans.
Always congruent with hooking upwith a girl.
Yeah, it was always a way toescape my life escape. Oh, going
to the gym eating correctlygoing to the acting classes,
like being a good boy and likedoing all the things that I need
(14:19):
to do to succeed in life. Andthen occasionally, it would be
fun to just go you know what,fuck it all. I just need to go
and get totally wasted out of mymind and see what happens and
escape from my life.
Damn, bro. Yeah, I'm so gladyou're well past that.
Yeah, I mean, I I absolutely am.
Although, of course, as someonethat's been sober for 10 years.
(14:40):
I still fantasize and miss that.
Because yeah, yeah. But I don'tbut I don't do it.
No. We just want to be clear.
Yeah. Just for the authoritiesdon't come crashing down on the
door. Well, good for you. It'sSo I, you know, we all have our
I always say, I mean, I know onemight not equate to the other,
(15:04):
but it's like food, alcoholism,drugs, that's all an addiction.
And you know, we've all gotsomething. Yeah. But I'm glad
you've done that man, becauseit's not easy. I've seen I've
seen friends who are alcoholics,and it's a That's a fucking bear
man.
(15:24):
Yeah, definitely have anaddictive personality. It's
everything. It's, it's, I guessit's that all or nothing again,
that maybe that sports attitudeof if you want to be the best,
you've got to be workingconstantly at all times. And
this is something that my dadsaid that probably fucked me up
a little bit, which was ifyou're not practicing, your
(15:45):
opponent is, yes. Jesus Christ,man, like, okay, great. But then
you're just constantly thinkingyou're not enough. Sure. And
what's interesting about life isthat there is a breaking point
for everybody you can't just beand then you become just a
fucking excuse me, you justbecome a robot where you're just
(16:09):
eating chicken and broccoli, andyeah, and like, a small bit of
brown rice, but then you're justempty on the inside and a
miserable human being, you mightlook good on the outside for a
minute. But then. So there justhas to be, there just has to be
a balance. And that really isone of the harder things to
(16:30):
achieve in life, I think. Andthat's my struggle now is is
like finding the balance oflife.
And sometimes you just need toget some chicken nuggets in
there to balance it all out.
Yeah. Well, good man. Glad. And,you know, I think I want to ask
you another question that lendsitself to that is, I know, you
(16:52):
said you feel good, but it's aconstant struggle. So are you
happy today? Or are you strivingto be happy today?
incredibly happy? Yeah. I mean,really, I'm like, incredibly
happy in my life. It's like, forthe first time, when I've been
in Los Angeles for 20 years, Ihad this dream of sort of being
(17:14):
an actor for a really long time.
And it just wasn't reallyhappening at all. And now for
the very first time, I'mstarting to get, like some
actual career momentum. And itfeels incredibly powerful and
strong and good. It gives me somuch self worth that I struggled
(17:35):
for such a long time and workedreally hard at this thing. And
now I can finally start to seeit sort of pay off a little bit.
Which Switching gears, I want totalk about that, because that
has been amazing. You and I havetalked at length about how I
personally don't think peoplecan if you don't, you have to
have a modicum of acting genesin you, if you will. Yeah, to be
(18:00):
a good actor. I don't think youcan learn to act. And you've
proven that you can get well,you know, because I didn't think
you were a great actor when Ifirst met you. And now it's
like, holy shit, I see the workyou do. And it's really good.
Really good. And you are gettingwork from it now. And, and I
(18:21):
would, I would say one thing,even though we're leaving the
alcoholic part of theconversation, I would say,
because you've overcame youralcoholism, it only helped you
grow as a not only just aperson, but as an actor. And
that's part of what you're whyyou're getting these new jobs.
It's allkind of tied in. Honestly, the
alcoholism like I had, I alwayshad really good taste about
(18:42):
acting and filmmaking and moviesand TV show I think I did. And
that's sort of what drew me tobecome an actor and moved to LA.
But deep down, I knew that I wasnot good. And so I think because
I knew that I wasn't good. Iwould hide out and drink because
it was just easier for me toescape and not show anybody that
(19:06):
I wasn't good.
Why would you continue to pursueacting if you had to drink to
get past it. And if you weren'tgetting jobs
there was something in me thatjust believed that I could do it
that if I worked hard enoughagain like it's probably goes
(19:27):
back to my dad and just the waythat I was raised is that if you
want anything in life, youultimately can work hard enough
and and achieve it and I justalways had this deep belief in
myself that I could do it if Ijust continued to work at it.
And there were of course therewere times I bunch of them were
(19:49):
I thought about quitting andthen I could not get I could not
get good enough at this craftand skill and but yeah, I just I
I just truly like kept working.
And I got to my breaking pointwhere I was like, Alright, I
fucking can't do this anymore.
Like you were ready to leaveyesterday? Yeah,
(20:11):
absolutely. And I basically, Ihad a conversation with my
friend Christian and this woman,Audrey Moore. And basically told
her I was like, I'm just in mybreaking point. And so she gave
me this, this career advicebasically about trying to figure
(20:31):
out like his, I mean, I'll tellyou this, like, I basically have
always been a semi handsome,semi funny white guy. And so
it's funny right there as withlike, with a bit of charisma and
like overconfidence in myself.
Yeah. Because I again, I wasraised with a great parents. And
so and that got me pretty far, Iguess, commercially, like, I
(20:54):
could work in commercials andget cast and short films,
because I would go into theaudition and just act like I was
really good. Because even thoughI wasn't. But then I but when
you start to actually try to getreal work, you finally get up,
you bump up against this wall.
It's like, well, now you'reactually not good. And yeah,
(21:15):
but then somehow in that you gota job doing what I do, which is
insane. Because I was runningsessions and and then one day, I
look over and and you're runningsessions at one of the doors.
Yeah. I'm like, wait a minute,this guy doesn't know how to
(21:35):
act. Now. He's going to teachpeople how to act. And but then,
you know, from what I understoodfrom watching, it was like, Oh,
shit, look, he's doing it.
I think, just for your mind, andI always kind of wanted to
answer this question for you howyou thought about that? And I
think the answer was, there wasjust different levels of ability
(21:56):
of session directing. So therewere people like Mike, Michael
Fontaine, you just people thathad been doing it a long time
that knew the craft and knewacting, and were able to direct
people during sessions. That'salso one way of doing it.
There's also another way ofpeople coming in that were like,
(22:17):
there wasn't non union at thetime. But like, a less like an
up and coming director or asession, that didn't mean as
much. And so they would hirethis casting director. And I
would run those sessions whereit was like less dialogue, or it
just wasn't as important. Igotcha. And so then I could run
those and like, get slightlybetter from just doing it over
(22:38):
and over again, and being in theroom for 10,000 hours, 15 years.
And then you finally get to apoint where you're you get to a
level where you were like I metyour level now Oh, Jesus Christ.
I think like net, but now like15 years later, yeah, you're
still doing it. I actually wasable to stop this year because
(23:01):
of my own self taping business.
Oh, yeah. So basically, I tookall the things that I learned
from being in 15 years of like,for three to four days a week
running commercial sessions. Andbecause of the pandemic, I
basically set up my own studioat my house. And now because
everything's, of course, selftapes, that I just now record
people in my house.
(23:24):
So even though it was thepandemic, people were still
coming to you.
Yeah, so I think what happenedmy own journey with it was I
would put myself on tape forthings. And there weren't a lot
of auditions early on,obviously. But the ones that I
would do if it was in the room,I felt pretty confident that I
would at least get a callback orbe in the conversation and for
about 12 to 15 auditions, Inothing happened. And so I ran a
(23:52):
session with three actors wesent out which we sent out 50
self tapes. Three of thoseactors sent in tapes with like,
the paper backdrop, three pointlighting, microphone, and, and
camera. And then when I sawthat, I was like, what is that?
Like? I need that? Because,yeah, it just provided a sense
(24:13):
of professionalism, for sure.
And so people weren't watchingthe couches, and the dogs and
all the other stuff. They wereactually watching the acting.
And so I set that up for myselfin my house, and then I started
having success. And so then Ithink because of social media,
people started realizing thatand people would call me and
(24:34):
they were say, Hey, I know yoursession director. I'm having
zero luck with my own selftapes. Can I come over and then
they would come over and theywould see my setup and they were
like, What is this you're afreak and and then we I would do
it, we'd send it off. They wouldhave some success and then
agents and managers were seeingtheir their self tapes. And so
agents and managers startedsaying who did that self tape?
(24:56):
Sure. And then they would theystarted sending me pee Pull. And
then I just basically was like,Oh, I have a business here,
essentially,what's, you have a website? Or
how do people contact you?
Yeah, it's called it's selftapes here at self tapes here on
Instagram. And yeah, that'swhere people basically find me
and come over and do self tapes.
(25:18):
You have a page on only fans?
Yeah, I've only fans as well.
It's at self tapes here. And Iget shirtless in direct
sessions.
Awesome. That's brilliant. Imight actually join. Well,
that's great. Dude, what anoutlet. Especially creatively,
(25:39):
you know, it's not just a job.
It's a creative job.
It's, it is so true that youhave to like I heard this a long
time ago in an acting class. Ithink this is a little much. But
there is some truth to it, whichis a classic pianist can take
one day off from practice. Andthey'll they will notice the
(26:04):
difference. And then if theytake two days off from
practicing, the critics willknow the difference. Yeah. And
so, and I've lived, this isweird, but I live next to in a
duplex next door to a couplethat played in the New York and
LA symphony, he played Weinland,she played that bright bass. And
(26:26):
they never missed a day ofpractice. And so by me getting
to do those self tapes forpeople every single day, it's of
course made me a better actor aswell, because even if I'm not
going in front of the camera,I'm behind the camera, and I'm
still very connected to it. Andso it just made me a way better
(26:46):
actor getting to direct peoplewatch people put myself on tape
so many times and just see thedifferences between dude, it's
everything. It's everything.
One of the things I know you'llagree with me now, because I
know you've been doing thisforever, the session directing,
and I do give you some as muchpower as I as I do, because you
like to joke about it. But yes,I do think you're good. But you
(27:09):
told me earlier, you were doinga self tape for a very popular
actor. And they were head overheels about your talent. So
that's just there's nothingthere's nothing like that kind
of feedback from somebody thatyou respect.
Yeah, it's so true. And like wewe've talked before also about
(27:30):
great at great actors are justso loose with it as well. And
that was the other thing that Ithink like really took took my
own performance to the nextlevel is against like, the thing
you talk about with me all thetime. And this seems simple for
you. But for me, this was likethe thing that really like,
changed my life. I think in myacting is of course, there is no
(27:53):
camera. So guys on set, I mean,I have been very lucky. I'll
name drop a little bit, I got towork with Bob Odenkirk. And I
got to work with Giovanni RibisiReese recently. And they're,
there's just like a looseness tothem with their human movements.
They touch their face, theytouch their bellies, they move
(28:16):
their pants. They they likethere's just like it's not
controlled. They're just notworried about it. Like the more
they can look like a human forsure, the better. And now that's
all I can watch. Now in scenesthese days, we're always like
focusing on different parts ofacting and things that we're
noticing about people and nowthat's the only thing that I
(28:37):
could watch now is how much doesit really look like a human on
there and not somebody that'smemorized their words and it
just stared.
Just let there's two things forme. Sorry, I know I just
interrupted you. Finish. Youfinish your thought. Yeah.
There's two things I always getto is number one is like that
moment that you stink. Oh, righthere, all you know, I'm gonna
make I'm gonna move my pinkie inthis direction. And it's like,
(28:59):
well, you're already fucked upbecause you're no longer in the
moment. And then the other thingI hate, which has nothing to do
with what we just talked about,no, it has actually everything.
I hate. You watch. Now you'regonna see it. Every time you
watch a movie or TV is an actorwill say a line, whatever
happens, whatever. Their handswill go into their pocket. And
(29:20):
it's guys, of course, becausewomen don't have pockets most of
the time. And I'm just like,Dude, you just got upset because
she slept with your brother,your brother. And now you put
your hands in your pockets.
How's that possible? Yeah.
It's that it's that it's likeyou like you talk about it's
that thing of knowing you're oncamera. Yeah. And it's that
(29:41):
model stance, or it's that thingof, it's like a it's like a male
instinct of needing to take.
I think it's a I think they're Ithink elements of what you're
saying are correct. But I alsothink it's just like, I'm
insecure with my hands and Idon't know what to do. Yeah,
yeah, totally, totally. Becausemy mind isn't living in the
moment. So my hands aren'tliving in the moment.
(30:02):
Right? Absolutely.
I would love to know, because wetalked about this a second ago
or earlier when we first startedtalking. But I'm on a new track,
Jeff. And I'm not asking for apat on the back. But I don't
know if you can see thedifference in me. But I know
there's a difference in me fromwhere I was when I spoke to you
many years ago, about happiness.
And I am in a much better place.
(30:25):
And but I'm constantly evolving,which is why I'm doing this
podcast, I just want to, it'sjust another outlet for me to
figure out because I don't knowshit, quite honestly, I know
what I know. And that's limited.
And so this is just another wayfor me to find out, well, how
does this person do it? So tellme more about not just not even
about alcoholism, but just you?
(30:45):
What makes you happy? Whathappens? What do you do when
you're not happy? How do youovercome that? And so I'm
gonna, I'm gonna talk right nowin that, and I'll get into that,
that answer that question. So Ithink in life, when we want to
make a change, we have to have athought and awareness about it.
So there's potentially a worldwhen you were at 200, south, and
(31:07):
we first met and you knew eachother that you did not know that
you were in a and I'm gonna saythis, because this is what you
classify that is like anegative, down depressed sort of
state that you're in. Is thatright?
I don't think I recognize that.
But I can appreciate what you'resaying.
Well, so you like but ifsomebody that wasn't like that
wouldn't be trying to findhappiness?
(31:29):
That's a great, great point.
Right? Yeah.
So I'm saying if you were there,and you had negative thoughts,
or you were down or negative, sothere is a world where you, you
just thought you were in theright, and you just continued to
live your life. And so, yeah,that's true. But you have to
have a thought you have to go,Okay, I want to make a change.
(31:52):
So you have to have a thought,and then you have to become
aware of it. And I think that'sprobably how change happens in
your life is you go, Okay, thisisn't working, I have a thought
about it. That's not working,then I am like constantly
thinking about making a change.
And then you have to starttaking action and do things to
(32:13):
create that change. Now, howlong you have to continue to
take the action is anundetermined amount of time.
Sometimes people get it rightaway. Usually it takes people
years to get to it. And that'swhat it sounds like for you is
like it's been this journey fora while now. Of like, trying to
(32:36):
understand what happiness is.
And how do you get it? Is thatright?
Yeah, I think you're right,because it's like, you know, you
have these layers of foundationof negativity. And there's old
life, that happiness has a lotof barriers to break through in
your, in your personality.
(32:58):
What have you. So you had anawareness that you were not
feeling great? Or you were atleast asking me about my
happiness and other people thatwere coming in to your world
about happiness? Yeah. How doyou think you eventually got to
and I agree with you, you are ina much calmer, happier state
than you used to be good tohear. How did that happen?
(33:21):
There are two points that madeyou made me think of, because
you're absolutely right, thatdoes take something to make you
want to make that switch I hadto you and anybody who knew me
will remember when I burned myfeet. So I was off my feet for
almost a year. And in that timeof just laying on your couch,
you got nothing to do, but sitand think about your life. And I
(33:45):
remember at that time, I wasjust like I want, I'm unhappy
while I'm on I don't want to beunhappy. And so at that point, I
started because I was on myphone all day, and I would read
memes. Those silly Supt meansthat I used to make fun of
people for posting. And now hereI was reading with these things
(34:06):
that just made you feel better.
And so I started doing that. Sothat was the first one and the
second one was ultimately withyou know about but when I became
homeless, I had thesedisabilities that came over me
that precluded me from beingable to work and all these other
what we would consider normalthings. And I was like, fuck, my
life is done. I got I'm notnormal, this is socks. And I
(34:29):
became very suicidal and and soI delved more into these memes
again and some other items. Butyes, it was that it was the both
those well, I'll call tragicmoments for sure. Or it's just
like the first one with the feetand I was grounded. And then the
(34:51):
second one with a disabilitywhich turned my world upside
down. And both those things mademe realize that I can either
continue to be even more angrybecause my life sucks. Or I can
choose to do something about it.
(35:11):
And there's people that comeinto my mind that you know, some
of our mutual friends andyourself that I would think,
Okay, this person's alwayshappy. And we've had
conversations about it. Butyeah, it's sorry, I know, I'm
being long winded here. But whatthe point of it is, it took two
separate moments to make me go,yeah. I don't want to be what I
(35:33):
considered normal. I don'treally, like you said, I don't
want to be right anymore. Let mefigure out what the other people
are doing.
Do you think it's, it soundslike a little bit of gratitude
in there. And that's cliche tosay, but I do find that
gratitude really is a thing.
Also back to the alcohol, itisn't a thing really is
gratitude really can, if we'rejust grateful for what we have.
(35:55):
It really puts us at an enemiesbecause it's so easy, it's so
easy to get caught up. Andthat's the thing about human
condition, I think that's sodifficult, is that you have to
be grateful and happy for whereyou currently are what you have.
Because you're sick, you ofcourse, your situation could be
much worse. But yet, as theheat, the human brain also has a
(36:17):
striving to do more and forwanting more. So it's like how
do I enjoy myself and live in mygratitude, but also be striving
for more? And that's, that, forme is the hardest thing to
combat in life.
I like it, though, because in myopinion, you got to have the
(36:40):
gratitude first. Yes. And onceyou're grateful, then you could
proceed to find out okay, whatare we doing next? Because I'm
all about the gratitude. And forme, you know, people always
thought everybody has their ownnotion of what's the key to
happiness. And for me, the keyto happiness is just living in
the moment. Like I always say,like, right now, I'm sitting
here talking to Jeff bright, andthere's nothing else. I'm not
(37:02):
thinking about the the toast Iburnt this morning, or under the
fact that, you know, my cousinis not coming out this weekend,
whatever they are. Right now.
I'm with Jeff. And that's anit's awesome.
I think that really is you justhear it over and over again. But
I think that is all we havetruly and that that will allow
you to be in happiness is if youcan just be here right now. And
(37:27):
I people ask me this a lot oftimes about crying, enacting,
okay, and I used to think it waslike such a chore thing you had
to work yourself up to. And nowI just honestly, if I just think
about how special and lucky I amto be in this moment stamp, like
(37:50):
really like on this bed. Likewith you having this
conversation that is enough tolike, make me cry.
For sure. I love to hear that.
And not on a selfish level. Buton a level because I feel the
same way. The littlest thing Ican watch a commercial and cry
because it's so touching. I knowthat seems a little trite. But
(38:11):
but it's true. And things touchme now man,
it's so it's so powerful,really. I mean, when you really
calculate or think about theodds of us getting to be
together on this planet at thismoment in time. It made it
really like it really continuespinning and crazy. And so now I
(38:33):
just sort of go, wow, how luckyI am to have to be in this
moment and have this moment. Andbecause like again, it's like
this is the this is the youngestI will ever be and this is the
oldest that I have ever been.
And so I just thought aboutright now. What now I'm this is
the youngest that I'll ever beand the oldest that I ever.
(38:54):
Okay, okay, yeah, what about nowright now.
And so I just have to, like, Beokay with with whatever's
happened. And it is, again, thatpositive thing. Again, like what
we started with is I just haveto sort of know that I'm on the
right path and I'm being I'mbeing taken care of, for better
(39:18):
or for worse. And maybe that'sjust that blind optimism, blind
optimism that I was raised with,but it just allows me to enjoy
myself and enjoy the time thatI'm here in this moment.
I love it. Dude. You've beenawesome to have an I know you're
definitely coming back. I wouldlove it. Andrew, take us out
(39:38):
with youall right, you guys. Thanks for
coming out. That was awesome.
We're gonna be back in a coupleof weeks. So hopefully you'll
join us then. And if you feel soinclined, please leave a
positive review on any of yourfavorite platforms. And if you
(39:59):
didn't Like us, of course, thisis Xavier McGillicuddy signing
out for today. It's MichaelVieyra You knucklehead See you
later
Welcome to courage under the stars with Michael
Vieyra. That's me, I am MichaelVieyra. Here I speak off the
cuff with people that I findinteresting. We are going to sit
in a darkened room, just Yeah,allowing you to eavesdrop. I
tell my guests, no politics, noreligion, but otherwise, I don't
care what we talk about as longas it comes from my heart. I
(00:29):
hope even just a small part ofit resonates with you. Some of
it will, some of it won't. Andthat's okay. But I'm just glad
you're here. I really do loveall of you. And thanks for
coming. Let's get this thingstarted. How
is it weird? Looking up at thesource in my room?
(00:53):
That's a good question. Like Iwas saying I was kidding around
before you started recording.
And I would say just the wholeexperience so far. This is
definitely like a weird one ofthe weird things that I've been
asked to do.
I'm not sure that lens lens,great credence to my little
podcast, Jeff. You know, one ofthe things I love about you is
(01:16):
your stupid laugh. And, and yournonstop smile? I got to ask you
right up front. What is the dealwith that? I used to wonder
before I met you. Is it fake? Ishe? Is he really in a good mood?
But you really do seem to be? AmI Is that a myth? Am I correct?
No. I know you used to. We hadthis deep Converse. I mean, not
(01:39):
deep, deep ish conversation onetime at 200. South when you were
like in this, like selfdiscovery of happiness. Yeah,
that and you were asking me arethe same question you just asked
me, which is are youauthentically happy? Or is it an
act? And? Yeah, my debt my dadis just always in this pleasant,
(02:01):
nice, optimistic place. I mean,place and way all the time. And
so I mean, they they definitelypass that on to me. And so yeah,
it mean, truly, it's authenticis all hell.
So you're telling me thatgrowing up your dad was not what
I would call a typical dad. Yourdad was always fun and playful.
(02:23):
And in a good mood. Yeah. Yeah.
What a blessing dude.
I know. It was like, really?
Anything that's happened in mylife? It's because my parents
are both like truly the mostamazing parents and people that
I could have been blessed withhis parents. Yeah. My dad was a
pharmacist originally went topharmacy school, he was always
(02:45):
trying to figure out ways tomake money. Of course, like
every man, yeah. And then whenhe had me, with my mom, he
basically wanted to figure out ajob where he could spend more
time with me. And so he'sstarted selling real estate so
that he could spend more timewith me and go to my practices.
He Oh, do you?
(03:08):
I was five, probably like, onceI started playing sports. I
think my dad always wanted a boythat played sports. And so once
I became that age where he couldplay with me and practice with
me, I think he basically becamethis real estate agent. So he
did not have to be at the officeall the time, because it's a
farm. Come see your games andwhatnot. Exactly. Yeah, I really
(03:29):
don't think my dad ever missed agame that I played in.
Is your dad still with us? Yeah.
And is he? Does he still carrythe same gregariousness? Or is
he a little more so sober? Yeah,no, he
does. He just, it's like, what'sweird about my dad? Is that I
would say, because he's sooptimistic and positive about
(03:50):
things. And he just, he's justnot worried about life or
anything happening. Yeah. But Iwould say the one flip side of
that, or downside of that isthat there are times I wish my
dad was a little bit deeper.
Because like, my dad really onlycares a lot of times about the
finish line. Like he doesn'treally care about the journey as
much. Ah, so like, he's alwayslike, Oh, great. You booked that
(04:13):
thing? Or you accomplish thatthing? That's great. What's
next? It's never like, tell meabout how you felt when you were
doing that thing, or what wasthe struggle or? Yes, so tell me
tell me more about how that madeyou feel.
And so is that the way that I'mhearing that I could be hearing
(04:34):
it wrong is it's he's not deepacross any level can you can
just have a conversation aboutany other life politics,
whatever else.
Yeah, we can. And but, but it's,it really is ultimately a lot of
times more surface, and that'salways been my biggest complaint
about my dad. I have hadincredibly deep conversations
(04:56):
with him if I've ever been introuble or really needed him. Am
I can talk to him about thatstuff, but it's not really his
comfort zone is comfort zone is,again more everything's okay.
It's gonna be okay. sort of bepositive and happy. And that's
how you should live your life.
Like don't sweat the smallthings, right? Yeah.
(05:18):
But you're only child. Yeah.
Yeah.
So my mom was married twice formy dad, my dad was married twice
before my mom there. So they'reboth on their third marriage.
They've been together my wholelife. So I just always assumed
that it was their first marriageand never thought to ask
Holy cow.
Yeah. When did you figure thatout? So my, my mom's second
(05:40):
husband was an alcoholic. Andmy, there was a period of time
when my sister didn't want tohave anything to do with him.
And so they had to come to meand say, Listen, if this guy Jim
ever calls the house asking forStephanie. Tell him where she
is. Or give him her number. Thefont Yeah. And then, of course,
(06:00):
I was maybe 12 or 13, I thinkwhen that happened, or 1010 or
11. And so then, of course, Iwas like, What is going on with
this? And then basically, theywere like, Okay, so here's the
deal. My, you know, I wasmarried twice for your dad.
Yeah. Yeah.
Jeff. So obviously, he's gonnahand you down that trait of just
being in a pleasant state. Butwhat do you do now to keep that
(06:25):
up? There can't You can't be ina pleasant state. 24/7 What do
you do when you're down?
Yeah, for sure. I I've had somegood wisdom. And I mean, I'm in
I was, I mean, I'm an alcoholic.
So I've been 10 years sober.
Congratulations, dude. That'sawesome. I appreciate it. Yeah.
And so I've had a lot of wordsof wisdom, words of advice,
(06:47):
words of wisdom from people inAAA. And one of the best pieces
of advice I ever got was whenyou're down or feeling shitty.
Just keep going. So don't judgeyourself about being upset.
Yeah, yeah. Because I think it'sreally easy. Because, look, the
I, in my opinion, the universerewards positive good feelings.
(07:10):
I agree. I think the hair thehair or hair, the longer the
longer we're here. I think thelonger we're here, the more that
I've really seen that. But thenthe flip side of that is when
you feel bad, and you're in anegative place, that you judge
yourself, and you think, Oh,well, because I feel bad, the
universe isn't working for me,or I'm not headed in the right
(07:33):
direction. So I need to, I justneed to feel good. So that good
things can happen to me. And soyou like, then you get real in a
real spiral about that. And so,just getting that piece of
advice is like allow me to,like, not feel good, and feel
depressed and feel sad, and allthose things that your works
(07:55):
against you. Yeah, that worksagainst you. But that also makes
and I think the good thing aboutlike, being able to look at my
dad and look at myself is I go,Well, that's Look, I love my
daddy, he's amazing. But to me,his thing that doesn't work for
him is like he's not asconnected and not okay with the
negative and like, and being rawand upset and depressed and all
(08:19):
of those things. And so, and Ijust think it is okay for me to
feel that way. And I have that alot.
You know, it's not the exactsame thing. But to kind of
piggyback on that my one of thethings my therapist told me,
which I loved for myself,because I used to always get on
myself for judging people. Andshe said, next time you judge,
(08:39):
don't, don't scold yourself forjudging, just recognize that
you're doing it and move on. AndI thought, holy shit, yeah,
that's it. I really feel thesame way about being down or
depressed. I just, I'm okay withit. I'm fine with it. But then,
of course, I try, like, I livein it. But then of course, I try
to find ways to you'd like, takea vacation or do something nice
(09:03):
for myself or call some friend.
It's like, for me, it's aboutconnection. Most of the time I
feel disconnected from peoplewhen I feel down. Or I'm like,
working too hard by myself. AndI'm not connected, and I don't
feel the love. And so that is myThe thing I've recently learned
is I have to reach out to peopleand call people on the phone and
(09:24):
try to meet them in real life.
Because it's it's it's sobizarre what has happened to the
world now that like, that's nota thing anymore. Like just being
able to see people it feels likethat's been taken from us, you
know, in a lot of ways.
One thing for me is I'm huge onhuman connection, we just need
(09:45):
it. We can't get by without it.
But I do think that if we don'thave it with our within
ourselves, it's so hard to haveit with somebody else. I've
always said that if you can't behappy with yourself, how can you
be happy with anyone else? Orhow are they going to be happy
with View? What do you are youhappy enough with yourself?
Because I know you said youreach out to people when you
(10:06):
need it. But are you okay? Ifyou can't reach out?
Yeah, absolutely. I definitelyfeel. Again, it's like this. I
don't know if it comes from justmy parents upbringing, which I
would say yes, but it alsobecause sports was such a big
part of my life. I think sportsis so great for kids, because it
(10:28):
teaches them when it's not goingwell, to stay in there and fight
and really struggle. And then ifyou do that, you will ultimately
find success. And then sometimesyou won't. And there's lessons
from that also. And so I dobelieve happiness comes from
within. And so like going backto your original question, which
(10:50):
was does is it real for me? Ordoes it say it seems potentially
fake from the outside? I justthink because I've had these
incredible sports lessons. Andthat's sort of what my dad and
mom distilled upon me is that Iam incredibly happy almost most
of the time.
(11:11):
Jeff, you're 10 years sober. Butare there still issues? Is it
hard not to have a drink?
I don't think about alcoholanymore. I will say it's much
harder to meet girls sober thanit is when you're drinking,
because that's just a naturalway to confidence. Confidence.
(11:33):
Yeah. Yeah.
And what about validating whenyou drink when you drink, it
validates who you are, which Iguess ultimately becomes part of
that confidence.
Yeah, if you can get a woman totake a drink or smoke a joint or
do a line of cocaine with you,there's automatically a
connection there because you'redoing this sort of bad thing
(11:53):
together. And so it's a goodpoint. It's like, oh, I can be
I, I'm obviously not straight.
And Eric, like, straighten onthe straight and narrow, like,
you're not either. So we'redoing this sort of naughty thing
together. Obviously, withdifferent different degrees of
it. I mean, taking a drinksmoking a joint or doing
cocaine. Yeah. But it justcombined, it just connects you
(12:14):
in a way that I don't know. Andobviously, alcohol puts down
your defenses and then you can,you know, do whatever.
Can I assume that that'sultimately just leaves you with
an empty feeling at the end ofthe day?
Being with somebody because youdrank and met them and had a one
night stand?
Well, not the one night stand. Igotta assume a one night stand
(12:35):
might may or may not leave youempty. But I'm saying if you're
with somebody because we're justbeing naughty and looking at us,
we're, we're drinking and doingdrugs. There's nothing
fulfilling at the end of the dayafter that. It's all you had was
the naughtiness?
I guess. So I do think that ifyou're sharing a bottle of wine
or a beer, and you, you canconnect and drink that way, and
(12:56):
then I think that takes you tothe second date, potentially.
Okay, I think it's, I think itis harder for people that don't
drink to ask why don't youdrink? It seems like this easy
thing to do this like socialnorm of just like, haven't have
a cocktail have a glass of wine.
And what's the problem there?
(13:16):
Yeah. And so it reallyeliminates the amount of people
that you can be with when you'resober in my opinion.
So how far is it? Where does itlie? Now? Is it easy to not have
a drink? Is it a constantbattle?
I've gotten the point now whereI don't even think about it.
(13:36):
Awesome. Yeah, I do. Like Ialways I sort of fantasize about
smoking weed or doing cocainelike going to Vegas. And meeting
a girl and blowing some cocaineor smoking weed. I mean, yes,
drinking also. But then I justsort of allow that to be a
(13:57):
fantasy and don't really do it.
Was Was all those shenanigans.
Always congruent with hooking upwith a girl.
Yeah, it was always a way toescape my life escape. Oh, going
to the gym eating correctlygoing to the acting classes,
like being a good boy and likedoing all the things that I need
(14:19):
to do to succeed in life. Andthen occasionally, it would be
fun to just go you know what,fuck it all. I just need to go
and get totally wasted out of mymind and see what happens and
escape from my life.
Damn, bro. Yeah, I'm so gladyou're well past that.
Yeah, I mean, I I absolutely am.
Although, of course, as someonethat's been sober for 10 years.
(14:40):
I still fantasize and miss that.
Because yeah, yeah. But I don'tbut I don't do it.
No. We just want to be clear.
Yeah. Just for the authoritiesdon't come crashing down on the
door. Well, good for you. It'sSo I, you know, we all have our
I always say, I mean, I know onemight not equate to the other,
(15:04):
but it's like food, alcoholism,drugs, that's all an addiction.
And you know, we've all gotsomething. Yeah. But I'm glad
you've done that man, becauseit's not easy. I've seen I've
seen friends who are alcoholics,and it's a That's a fucking bear
man.
(15:24):
Yeah, definitely have anaddictive personality. It's
everything. It's, it's, I guessit's that all or nothing again,
that maybe that sports attitudeof if you want to be the best,
you've got to be workingconstantly at all times. And
this is something that my dadsaid that probably fucked me up
a little bit, which was ifyou're not practicing, your
(15:45):
opponent is, yes. Jesus Christ,man, like, okay, great. But then
you're just constantly thinkingyou're not enough. Sure. And
what's interesting about life isthat there is a breaking point
for everybody you can't just beand then you become just a
fucking excuse me, you justbecome a robot where you're just
(16:09):
eating chicken and broccoli, andyeah, and like, a small bit of
brown rice, but then you're justempty on the inside and a
miserable human being, you mightlook good on the outside for a
minute. But then. So there justhas to be, there just has to be
a balance. And that really isone of the harder things to
(16:30):
achieve in life, I think. Andthat's my struggle now is is
like finding the balance oflife.
And sometimes you just need toget some chicken nuggets in
there to balance it all out.
Yeah. Well, good man. Glad. And,you know, I think I want to ask
you another question that lendsitself to that is, I know, you
(16:52):
said you feel good, but it's aconstant struggle. So are you
happy today? Or are you strivingto be happy today?
incredibly happy? Yeah. I mean,really, I'm like, incredibly
happy in my life. It's like, forthe first time, when I've been
in Los Angeles for 20 years, Ihad this dream of sort of being
(17:14):
an actor for a really long time.
And it just wasn't reallyhappening at all. And now for
the very first time, I'mstarting to get, like some
actual career momentum. And itfeels incredibly powerful and
strong and good. It gives me somuch self worth that I struggled
(17:35):
for such a long time and workedreally hard at this thing. And
now I can finally start to seeit sort of pay off a little bit.
Which Switching gears, I want totalk about that, because that
has been amazing. You and I havetalked at length about how I
personally don't think peoplecan if you don't, you have to
have a modicum of acting genesin you, if you will. Yeah, to be
(18:00):
a good actor. I don't think youcan learn to act. And you've
proven that you can get well,you know, because I didn't think
you were a great actor when Ifirst met you. And now it's
like, holy shit, I see the workyou do. And it's really good.
Really good. And you are gettingwork from it now. And, and I
(18:21):
would, I would say one thing,even though we're leaving the
alcoholic part of theconversation, I would say,
because you've overcame youralcoholism, it only helped you
grow as a not only just aperson, but as an actor. And
that's part of what you're whyyou're getting these new jobs.
It's allkind of tied in. Honestly, the
alcoholism like I had, I alwayshad really good taste about
(18:42):
acting and filmmaking and moviesand TV show I think I did. And
that's sort of what drew me tobecome an actor and moved to LA.
But deep down, I knew that I wasnot good. And so I think because
I knew that I wasn't good. Iwould hide out and drink because
it was just easier for me toescape and not show anybody that
(19:06):
I wasn't good.
Why would you continue to pursueacting if you had to drink to
get past it. And if you weren'tgetting jobs
there was something in me thatjust believed that I could do it
that if I worked hard enoughagain like it's probably goes
(19:27):
back to my dad and just the waythat I was raised is that if you
want anything in life, youultimately can work hard enough
and and achieve it and I justalways had this deep belief in
myself that I could do it if Ijust continued to work at it.
And there were of course therewere times I bunch of them were
(19:49):
I thought about quitting andthen I could not get I could not
get good enough at this craftand skill and but yeah, I just I
I just truly like kept working.
And I got to my breaking pointwhere I was like, Alright, I
fucking can't do this anymore.
Like you were ready to leaveyesterday? Yeah,
(20:11):
absolutely. And I basically, Ihad a conversation with my
friend Christian and this woman,Audrey Moore. And basically told
her I was like, I'm just in mybreaking point. And so she gave
me this, this career advicebasically about trying to figure
(20:31):
out like his, I mean, I'll tellyou this, like, I basically have
always been a semi handsome,semi funny white guy. And so
it's funny right there as withlike, with a bit of charisma and
like overconfidence in myself.
Yeah. Because I again, I wasraised with a great parents. And
so and that got me pretty far, Iguess, commercially, like, I
(20:54):
could work in commercials andget cast and short films,
because I would go into theaudition and just act like I was
really good. Because even thoughI wasn't. But then I but when
you start to actually try to getreal work, you finally get up,
you bump up against this wall.
It's like, well, now you'reactually not good. And yeah,
(21:15):
but then somehow in that you gota job doing what I do, which is
insane. Because I was runningsessions and and then one day, I
look over and and you're runningsessions at one of the doors.
Yeah. I'm like, wait a minute,this guy doesn't know how to
(21:35):
act. Now. He's going to teachpeople how to act. And but then,
you know, from what I understoodfrom watching, it was like, Oh,
shit, look, he's doing it.
I think, just for your mind, andI always kind of wanted to
answer this question for you howyou thought about that? And I
think the answer was, there wasjust different levels of ability
(21:56):
of session directing. So therewere people like Mike, Michael
Fontaine, you just people thathad been doing it a long time
that knew the craft and knewacting, and were able to direct
people during sessions. That'salso one way of doing it.
There's also another way ofpeople coming in that were like,
(22:17):
there wasn't non union at thetime. But like, a less like an
up and coming director or asession, that didn't mean as
much. And so they would hirethis casting director. And I
would run those sessions whereit was like less dialogue, or it
just wasn't as important. Igotcha. And so then I could run
those and like, get slightlybetter from just doing it over
(22:38):
and over again, and being in theroom for 10,000 hours, 15 years.
And then you finally get to apoint where you're you get to a
level where you were like I metyour level now Oh, Jesus Christ.
I think like net, but now like15 years later, yeah, you're
still doing it. I actually wasable to stop this year because
(23:01):
of my own self taping business.
Oh, yeah. So basically, I tookall the things that I learned
from being in 15 years of like,for three to four days a week
running commercial sessions. Andbecause of the pandemic, I
basically set up my own studioat my house. And now because
everything's, of course, selftapes, that I just now record
people in my house.
(23:24):
So even though it was thepandemic, people were still
coming to you.
Yeah, so I think what happenedmy own journey with it was I
would put myself on tape forthings. And there weren't a lot
of auditions early on,obviously. But the ones that I
would do if it was in the room,I felt pretty confident that I
would at least get a callback orbe in the conversation and for
about 12 to 15 auditions, Inothing happened. And so I ran a
(23:52):
session with three actors wesent out which we sent out 50
self tapes. Three of thoseactors sent in tapes with like,
the paper backdrop, three pointlighting, microphone, and, and
camera. And then when I sawthat, I was like, what is that?
Like? I need that? Because,yeah, it just provided a sense
(24:13):
of professionalism, for sure.
And so people weren't watchingthe couches, and the dogs and
all the other stuff. They wereactually watching the acting.
And so I set that up for myselfin my house, and then I started
having success. And so then Ithink because of social media,
people started realizing thatand people would call me and
(24:34):
they were say, Hey, I know yoursession director. I'm having
zero luck with my own selftapes. Can I come over and then
they would come over and theywould see my setup and they were
like, What is this you're afreak and and then we I would do
it, we'd send it off. They wouldhave some success and then
agents and managers were seeingtheir their self tapes. And so
agents and managers startedsaying who did that self tape?
(24:56):
Sure. And then they would theystarted sending me pee Pull. And
then I just basically was like,Oh, I have a business here,
essentially,what's, you have a website? Or
how do people contact you?
Yeah, it's called it's selftapes here at self tapes here on
Instagram. And yeah, that'swhere people basically find me
and come over and do self tapes.
(25:18):
You have a page on only fans?
Yeah, I've only fans as well.
It's at self tapes here. And Iget shirtless in direct
sessions.
Awesome. That's brilliant. Imight actually join. Well,
that's great. Dude, what anoutlet. Especially creatively,
(25:39):
you know, it's not just a job.
It's a creative job.
It's, it is so true that youhave to like I heard this a long
time ago in an acting class. Ithink this is a little much. But
there is some truth to it, whichis a classic pianist can take
one day off from practice. Andthey'll they will notice the
(26:04):
difference. And then if theytake two days off from
practicing, the critics willknow the difference. Yeah. And
so, and I've lived, this isweird, but I live next to in a
duplex next door to a couplethat played in the New York and
LA symphony, he played Weinland,she played that bright bass. And
(26:26):
they never missed a day ofpractice. And so by me getting
to do those self tapes forpeople every single day, it's of
course made me a better actor aswell, because even if I'm not
going in front of the camera,I'm behind the camera, and I'm
still very connected to it. Andso it just made me a way better
(26:46):
actor getting to direct peoplewatch people put myself on tape
so many times and just see thedifferences between dude, it's
everything. It's everything.
One of the things I know you'llagree with me now, because I
know you've been doing thisforever, the session directing,
and I do give you some as muchpower as I as I do, because you
like to joke about it. But yes,I do think you're good. But you
(27:09):
told me earlier, you were doinga self tape for a very popular
actor. And they were head overheels about your talent. So
that's just there's nothingthere's nothing like that kind
of feedback from somebody thatyou respect.
Yeah, it's so true. And like wewe've talked before also about
(27:30):
great at great actors are justso loose with it as well. And
that was the other thing that Ithink like really took took my
own performance to the nextlevel is against like, the thing
you talk about with me all thetime. And this seems simple for
you. But for me, this was likethe thing that really like,
changed my life. I think in myacting is of course, there is no
(27:53):
camera. So guys on set, I mean,I have been very lucky. I'll
name drop a little bit, I got towork with Bob Odenkirk. And I
got to work with Giovanni RibisiReese recently. And they're,
there's just like a looseness tothem with their human movements.
They touch their face, theytouch their bellies, they move
(28:16):
their pants. They they likethere's just like it's not
controlled. They're just notworried about it. Like the more
they can look like a human forsure, the better. And now that's
all I can watch. Now in scenesthese days, we're always like
focusing on different parts ofacting and things that we're
noticing about people and nowthat's the only thing that I
(28:37):
could watch now is how much doesit really look like a human on
there and not somebody that'smemorized their words and it
just stared.
Just let there's two things forme. Sorry, I know I just
interrupted you. Finish. Youfinish your thought. Yeah.
There's two things I always getto is number one is like that
moment that you stink. Oh, righthere, all you know, I'm gonna
make I'm gonna move my pinkie inthis direction. And it's like,
(28:59):
well, you're already fucked upbecause you're no longer in the
moment. And then the other thingI hate, which has nothing to do
with what we just talked about,no, it has actually everything.
I hate. You watch. Now you'regonna see it. Every time you
watch a movie or TV is an actorwill say a line, whatever
happens, whatever. Their handswill go into their pocket. And
(29:20):
it's guys, of course, becausewomen don't have pockets most of
the time. And I'm just like,Dude, you just got upset because
she slept with your brother,your brother. And now you put
your hands in your pockets.
How's that possible? Yeah.
It's that it's that it's likeyou like you talk about it's
that thing of knowing you're oncamera. Yeah. And it's that
(29:41):
model stance, or it's that thingof, it's like a it's like a male
instinct of needing to take.
I think it's a I think they're Ithink elements of what you're
saying are correct. But I alsothink it's just like, I'm
insecure with my hands and Idon't know what to do. Yeah,
yeah, totally, totally. Becausemy mind isn't living in the
moment. So my hands aren'tliving in the moment.
(30:02):
Right? Absolutely.
I would love to know, because wetalked about this a second ago
or earlier when we first startedtalking. But I'm on a new track,
Jeff. And I'm not asking for apat on the back. But I don't
know if you can see thedifference in me. But I know
there's a difference in me fromwhere I was when I spoke to you
many years ago, about happiness.
And I am in a much better place.
(30:25):
And but I'm constantly evolving,which is why I'm doing this
podcast, I just want to, it'sjust another outlet for me to
figure out because I don't knowshit, quite honestly, I know
what I know. And that's limited.
And so this is just another wayfor me to find out, well, how
does this person do it? So tellme more about not just not even
about alcoholism, but just you?
(30:45):
What makes you happy? Whathappens? What do you do when
you're not happy? How do youovercome that? And so I'm
gonna, I'm gonna talk right nowin that, and I'll get into that,
that answer that question. So Ithink in life, when we want to
make a change, we have to have athought and awareness about it.
So there's potentially a worldwhen you were at 200, south, and
(31:07):
we first met and you knew eachother that you did not know that
you were in a and I'm gonna saythis, because this is what you
classify that is like anegative, down depressed sort of
state that you're in. Is thatright?
I don't think I recognize that.
But I can appreciate what you'resaying.
Well, so you like but ifsomebody that wasn't like that
wouldn't be trying to findhappiness?
(31:29):
That's a great, great point.
Right? Yeah.
So I'm saying if you were there,and you had negative thoughts,
or you were down or negative, sothere is a world where you, you
just thought you were in theright, and you just continued to
live your life. And so, yeah,that's true. But you have to
have a thought you have to go,Okay, I want to make a change.
(31:52):
So you have to have a thought,and then you have to become
aware of it. And I think that'sprobably how change happens in
your life is you go, Okay, thisisn't working, I have a thought
about it. That's not working,then I am like constantly
thinking about making a change.
And then you have to starttaking action and do things to
(32:13):
create that change. Now, howlong you have to continue to
take the action is anundetermined amount of time.
Sometimes people get it rightaway. Usually it takes people
years to get to it. And that'swhat it sounds like for you is
like it's been this journey fora while now. Of like, trying to
(32:36):
understand what happiness is.
And how do you get it? Is thatright?
Yeah, I think you're right,because it's like, you know, you
have these layers of foundationof negativity. And there's old
life, that happiness has a lotof barriers to break through in
your, in your personality.
(32:58):
What have you. So you had anawareness that you were not
feeling great? Or you were atleast asking me about my
happiness and other people thatwere coming in to your world
about happiness? Yeah. How doyou think you eventually got to
and I agree with you, you are ina much calmer, happier state
than you used to be good tohear. How did that happen?
(33:21):
There are two points that madeyou made me think of, because
you're absolutely right, thatdoes take something to make you
want to make that switch I hadto you and anybody who knew me
will remember when I burned myfeet. So I was off my feet for
almost a year. And in that timeof just laying on your couch,
you got nothing to do, but sitand think about your life. And I
(33:45):
remember at that time, I wasjust like I want, I'm unhappy
while I'm on I don't want to beunhappy. And so at that point, I
started because I was on myphone all day, and I would read
memes. Those silly Supt meansthat I used to make fun of
people for posting. And now hereI was reading with these things
(34:06):
that just made you feel better.
And so I started doing that. Sothat was the first one and the
second one was ultimately withyou know about but when I became
homeless, I had thesedisabilities that came over me
that precluded me from beingable to work and all these other
what we would consider normalthings. And I was like, fuck, my
life is done. I got I'm notnormal, this is socks. And I
(34:29):
became very suicidal and and soI delved more into these memes
again and some other items. Butyes, it was that it was the both
those well, I'll call tragicmoments for sure. Or it's just
like the first one with the feetand I was grounded. And then the
(34:51):
second one with a disabilitywhich turned my world upside
down. And both those things mademe realize that I can either
continue to be even more angrybecause my life sucks. Or I can
choose to do something about it.
(35:11):
And there's people that comeinto my mind that you know, some
of our mutual friends andyourself that I would think,
Okay, this person's alwayshappy. And we've had
conversations about it. Butyeah, it's sorry, I know, I'm
being long winded here. But whatthe point of it is, it took two
separate moments to make me go,yeah. I don't want to be what I
(35:33):
considered normal. I don'treally, like you said, I don't
want to be right anymore. Let mefigure out what the other people
are doing.
Do you think it's, it soundslike a little bit of gratitude
in there. And that's cliche tosay, but I do find that
gratitude really is a thing.
Also back to the alcohol, itisn't a thing really is
gratitude really can, if we'rejust grateful for what we have.
(35:55):
It really puts us at an enemiesbecause it's so easy, it's so
easy to get caught up. Andthat's the thing about human
condition, I think that's sodifficult, is that you have to
be grateful and happy for whereyou currently are what you have.
Because you're sick, you ofcourse, your situation could be
much worse. But yet, as theheat, the human brain also has a
(36:17):
striving to do more and forwanting more. So it's like how
do I enjoy myself and live in mygratitude, but also be striving
for more? And that's, that, forme is the hardest thing to
combat in life.
I like it, though, because in myopinion, you got to have the
(36:40):
gratitude first. Yes. And onceyou're grateful, then you could
proceed to find out okay, whatare we doing next? Because I'm
all about the gratitude. And forme, you know, people always
thought everybody has their ownnotion of what's the key to
happiness. And for me, the keyto happiness is just living in
the moment. Like I always say,like, right now, I'm sitting
here talking to Jeff bright, andthere's nothing else. I'm not
(37:02):
thinking about the the toast Iburnt this morning, or under the
fact that, you know, my cousinis not coming out this weekend,
whatever they are. Right now.
I'm with Jeff. And that's anit's awesome.
I think that really is you justhear it over and over again. But
I think that is all we havetruly and that that will allow
you to be in happiness is if youcan just be here right now. And
(37:27):
I people ask me this a lot oftimes about crying, enacting,
okay, and I used to think it waslike such a chore thing you had
to work yourself up to. And nowI just honestly, if I just think
about how special and lucky I amto be in this moment stamp, like
(37:50):
really like on this bed. Likewith you having this
conversation that is enough tolike, make me cry.
For sure. I love to hear that.
And not on a selfish level. Buton a level because I feel the
same way. The littlest thing Ican watch a commercial and cry
because it's so touching. I knowthat seems a little trite. But
(38:11):
but it's true. And things touchme now man,
it's so it's so powerful,really. I mean, when you really
calculate or think about theodds of us getting to be
together on this planet at thismoment in time. It made it
really like it really continuespinning and crazy. And so now I
(38:33):
just sort of go, wow, how luckyI am to have to be in this
moment and have this moment. Andbecause like again, it's like
this is the this is the youngestI will ever be and this is the
oldest that I have ever been.
And so I just thought aboutright now. What now I'm this is
the youngest that I'll ever beand the oldest that I ever.
(38:54):
Okay, okay, yeah, what about nowright now.
And so I just have to, like, Beokay with with whatever's
happened. And it is, again, thatpositive thing. Again, like what
we started with is I just haveto sort of know that I'm on the
right path and I'm being I'mbeing taken care of, for better
(39:18):
or for worse. And maybe that'sjust that blind optimism, blind
optimism that I was raised with,but it just allows me to enjoy
myself and enjoy the time thatI'm here in this moment.
I love it. Dude. You've beenawesome to have an I know you're
definitely coming back. I wouldlove it. Andrew, take us out
(39:38):
with youall right, you guys. Thanks for
coming out. That was awesome.
We're gonna be back in a coupleof weeks. So hopefully you'll
join us then. And if you feel soinclined, please leave a
positive review on any of yourfavorite platforms. And if you
(39:59):
didn't Like us, of course, thisis Xavier McGillicuddy signing
out for today. It's MichaelVieyra You knucklehead See you
later
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