Are you still reaching for a glass of wine to take the edge off midlife anxiety?
What once felt like a relaxing ritual may now be working against your peace, sleep, and sanity.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. Why midlife hormonal and brain changes can cause alcohol to increase—not relieve—your anxiety.
2. Four healthier, science-backed coping skills that will REALLY help your anxiety.
3. How to track your drinking habits, rewire your routines to regain control over your emotional well-being.
Press play to learn how to reclaim calm and feel better—without wine running the show.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover the
surprising reason alcoholdoesn't help your anxiety in
midlife.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:20):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
A couple weeks ago, one of myclients walked into the office
and said, I am spend this wholesession whining about wine.
(00:41):
We both laughed and I said, canyou say more about that?
She then went on to say, I donot understand how this coping
skill of a glass of wine atnight, that for 25 years has
worked exceptionally well atcalming my anxiety after dinner,
relaxing and separating myselffrom my workday.
(01:01):
No longer is working.
In this episode I'm gonna giveyou the science behind why your
wine, or your beer, or your ginand tonic, whatever is your
drink of choice, may not beworking as well in midlife as it
did in your younger life.
By the end of this episode,you're gonna be equipped with
(01:21):
some real knowledge that willhelp you make the decision of
what you need to do with alcoholin midlife.
One of the most interestingparts of my job is that I work a
lot with people in midlife and Iwork a lot with adolescents.
When I put those two groupstogether, I really get
information that is very helpfulfor me as a therapist that
(01:44):
allows each group to create ahealthier mind, body, and
spirit.
Oh, speaking of spirit, that'swhat we're gonna talk about
today.
Think back to your adolescence,huh?
Kind of painful, right?
You probably don't have to thinktoo hard if you actually are
parenting an adolescent becauseyou watch this child navigate
this life stage, day in and dayout.
(02:06):
Lots of ups, lots of downs, lotsof an emotional intensity, lots
of challenges, lots of notfeeling good enough.
Why?
Because the job of an adolescentis to answer the question, who
am I?
So they're not really set in asolid self until they're around
25.
And then as we know, becausewe're in midlife, that self
(02:27):
continues to develop and change.
And that brings us to thisepisode, rethinking the rules
that we learned as an adolescentwhen it came to alcohol.
Do those rules need updated formany of my clients over the
years?
There's only one answer.
Absolutely.
Because adolescence is full ofso much uncertainty, so much
(02:49):
coming to know yourself, so muchcomparing yourself with your
peers and So much feeling lessthan we can't be surprised that
alcohol liquid courage is one ofthe favorite coping skills for
adolescents.
I do understand that sometimesthis coping skill leads to
addiction, but for the purposeof this episode, I'm not gonna
be talking about alcohol abuse,nor am I gonna be talking about
(03:12):
alcohol addiction.
Both addiction and abuse areserious issues at any age, but
what I wanna talk about in thisepisode is to ask you to think
about your use of alcohol inmidlife.
What was liquid courage and away to connect and bond with
your friends and your youth mayactually be keeping you up and
(03:33):
making you cranky in midlife.
Why is that?
You might ask?
Well, as you don't need me toremind you.
There are so many biologicalchanges in midlife.
Your metabolism is slower.
You have a lot of hormoneshifts, especially your
estrogen.
And your body actually has aheightened sensitivity to sugar
(03:54):
and alcohol.
Kind of good news, bad news,right?
You may find it less tempting toeat sugar because you just don't
feel as good afterwards, but youmay love the relaxing feeling
you get from alcohol.
What is alcohol made of sugar?
It's important to know that inmidlife, your body is not
processing alcohol the way itdid when you were 20 out at the
(04:17):
bar with your friends.
The other biggie when it comesto midlife and alcohol is sleep
disruption.
Alcohol can definitely help youfall asleep, but for many
people, leads to those 2:00 AMwakings and sleep that isn't
restful.
To be honest, this one lifechange led me to let go of that
evening glass of wine becauseI'd be up at two and I couldn't
(04:40):
go back to sleep till four.
Another reason why alcoholdoesn't work the same in midlife
is its emotional impact.
Your body creates a tolerance toalcohol.
Where you could get relaxed andcalm, maybe with one glass of
wine at 25 or 35, you may findyourself, as many of my clients
have up to a half a bottle oreven a bottle a night in order
(05:04):
to experience that same sense ofcalm.
That is too much alcohol.
A half a bottle of wine, abottle of wine a night, it can
really sneak up on you and itreally can cause you to wake up
in the morning feeling likecrap, but also feeling guilty
and even more anxious becauseyou know that you've drank too
(05:24):
much.
Interestingly, this same drinkthat made you call when you were
20 or 22 over time actuallyincreases your stress hormones,
which makes you feel much moreanxious.
In a nutshell, what I'm sayingto you is your buddy alcohol in,
you aren't getting along inmidlife the way you did in your
(05:45):
early twenties.
So what's a midlifer to do?
Coping Skill?
Number one.
Face the truth.
I bet your body, and I bet yourmind has been telling you for
quite some time, that you andalcohol just aren't dancing like
you used to.
If you wanna feel great midlife,if you wanna have less anxiety,
most people will have to haveless alcohol.
(06:08):
I'm underlining the word less.
Yes.
Some people as they age, chooseto stop drinking altogether, but
for my clients who love wine,who love beer, who love a mixed
drink, what I ask them to do isto run their own sets of
experiments, and that's copingskill number two.
Think about how many times inyour life you put energy into
(06:29):
making something better.
Maybe you're updating yourcomputer, maybe you're
repainting a room.
I want you to do the same thingreshaping and updating your
relationship to alcohol, and theonly way to do that is to have a
plan.
I ask people to get mathy andmeasure how many ounces are you
drinking?
I have a very funny story aboutthis.
(06:51):
During the pandemic, one of myclients was walking through her
kitchen and on her counter, worea bunch of wine glasses.
I asked her to stop and to get ameasuring cup, and measure out
how many ounces of wine she wastypically drinking.
Let me tell you, these wineglasses, they looked like
buckets.
She got a measuring cup out andher wine glass held a little
(07:13):
under eight ounces.
I then walked to my Chinacabinet and I took out one of my
wedding wine glasses to showher, and we both laughed.
It looked like a thimble.
When I measured it, it was justunder four ounces, supersize me.
That's what we've done with allof our cocktails.
We're getting much more alcoholthan we used to, and one of the
(07:36):
updates is to get very mathymeasure how much wine or beer or
in a mixed drink.
If you're out and about, askthem how many ounces are you
putting in it?
That way you can keep track fora week or two, and then what I
encourage you to do is cut itdown by 25% and see if you're
(07:58):
getting the bad aspects ofalcohol.
If you're still waking up atmidnight, if you're waking up
anxious, then you cut it down byanother 25%.
You probably get the drift.
The point is to use a little bitof effort, a little bit
intention, and to rework andupdate how you are using alcohol
in midlife so you get the bestof it where it calms you, but it
(08:21):
doesn't disrupt your sleep orhave you wake up in the morning
feeling more anxious.
Spoiler alert.
I've had hundreds of people dothis.
Some people actually over timedecide to seldom drink.
Their sleep is so important andalcohol wrecks it so much.
They just say, I'm done.
But what most people realize istheir alcohol use has actually
(08:43):
crept up in midlife to an amountthat is not healthy and they're
able to dial it back and enjoythe benefits of alcohol without
suffering the side effects.
Coping skill number two.
Is to turn on a little bit ofself-awareness and ask yourself,
why am I having a drink?
Perhaps you're having a drinkbecause you're out with friends
(09:05):
and it's Friday night and itfeels so good just to relax,
separate from the work week,fantastic.
But maybe if you're at homehaving a drink because you're
really mad at somebody and youdon't know what to do with your
anger, not so great.
There's a difference betweendrinking for socializing and
connection and restoration anddrinking for numbing.
(09:27):
Coping skill.
Number two is to use yoursuperpower of self-awareness and
define for yourself why you'redrinking.
Lean more and more towardsdrinking, for connection,
relaxation, and restoration.
Coping skill Number three, whatif you happen to be using
alcohol to numb your anxiety?
Three cheers for you, not forusing alcohol to numb your
(09:49):
anxiety, but the fact that youare able to recognize it.
One of the reasons I'm doingthis podcast is to give you
coping skills to manage youranxiety amongst all the stresses
of midlife.
If you find yourself usingalcohol to numb your anxiety.
I wanna encourage you to lookback at my previous episodes.
(10:09):
I have more than 150.
You can find some reallyincredible tools that can help
you move through the anxiety toname it, to tame it and to aim
it.
And what often happens when youjust do simple breath work and
move through that anxiety andget to aim is you get the gold.
You then get ideas of what youcan do.
(10:33):
One thing I've learned intalking to lots of my clients
who are really updating theirrelationship with alcohol is
what they find really helpful isa little bit more physical
exercise and doing somethingthat's enjoyable.
Before you open that bottle ofwine, go out for a 10 minute
walk.
Let yourself do some gentlestretching.
(10:55):
Put on a song that makes youhappy and move your body and
move your mind to a differentplace beyond the anxiety.
Coping skill.
Number four, try somenon-alcoholic drinks.
O' Douls the beer withoutalcohol has been around forever,
but lately the beverage industryis catching up with the demands
(11:18):
of midlifers and there's allkinds of wine without alcohol,
and I tasted one the other weekand it was really, really good.
I thought, wow, this is great.
I can still have that exactpleasure of having a glass of
wine without paying for it eighthours later.
In this episode, I've given youthe science of why alcohol in
(11:40):
you may not be getting along inmidlife the way you did in your
twenties.
I am encouraging you to whineabout wine, and what do I mean
by that?
Put words to what's happening inyour body with alcohol in
midlife.
Update your relationship toalcohol.
Get math and measure for twoweeks how much alcohol you're
(12:02):
actually drinking.
Be honest.
Are you drinking to socializeand connect and relax or are you
drinking to numb your feeling orbecause you're bored?
If you find yourself drinking tonumb feelings or because you're
bored, look at episode 130 onemotional regulation and name
tame and aim your feelings.
(12:23):
Let that 90 seconds, that's allit takes of uncomfortable
feeling move through you.
Your inner challenge this weekis to step into your power when
it comes to you and alcohol.
Choose one of the things I'vetalked about, measure, and
really get a sense of how muchyou're drinking over a two week
period.
Or use your self-awareness andget clear on your reason for
(12:48):
drinking.
I'm gonna be back on Thursdayand give you the latest science
on cannabis pot and midlife atopic that is seldom talked
about and this information forthose of you parenting is
essential.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover the
surprising reason alcoholdoesn't help your anxiety in
midlife.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:20):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
A couple weeks ago, one of myclients walked into the office
and said, I am spend this wholesession whining about wine.
(00:41):
We both laughed and I said, canyou say more about that?
She then went on to say, I donot understand how this coping
skill of a glass of wine atnight, that for 25 years has
worked exceptionally well atcalming my anxiety after dinner,
relaxing and separating myselffrom my workday.
(01:01):
No longer is working.
In this episode I'm gonna giveyou the science behind why your
wine, or your beer, or your ginand tonic, whatever is your
drink of choice, may not beworking as well in midlife as it
did in your younger life.
By the end of this episode,you're gonna be equipped with
(01:21):
some real knowledge that willhelp you make the decision of
what you need to do with alcoholin midlife.
One of the most interestingparts of my job is that I work a
lot with people in midlife and Iwork a lot with adolescents.
When I put those two groupstogether, I really get
information that is very helpfulfor me as a therapist that
(01:44):
allows each group to create ahealthier mind, body, and
spirit.
Oh, speaking of spirit, that'swhat we're gonna talk about
today.
Think back to your adolescence,huh?
Kind of painful, right?
You probably don't have to thinktoo hard if you actually are
parenting an adolescent becauseyou watch this child navigate
this life stage, day in and dayout.
(02:06):
Lots of ups, lots of downs, lotsof an emotional intensity, lots
of challenges, lots of notfeeling good enough.
Why?
Because the job of an adolescentis to answer the question, who
am I?
So they're not really set in asolid self until they're around
25.
And then as we know, becausewe're in midlife, that self
(02:27):
continues to develop and change.
And that brings us to thisepisode, rethinking the rules
that we learned as an adolescentwhen it came to alcohol.
Do those rules need updated formany of my clients over the
years?
There's only one answer.
Absolutely.
Because adolescence is full ofso much uncertainty, so much
(02:49):
coming to know yourself, so muchcomparing yourself with your
peers and So much feeling lessthan we can't be surprised that
alcohol liquid courage is one ofthe favorite coping skills for
adolescents.
I do understand that sometimesthis coping skill leads to
addiction, but for the purposeof this episode, I'm not gonna
be talking about alcohol abuse,nor am I gonna be talking about
(03:12):
alcohol addiction.
Both addiction and abuse areserious issues at any age, but
what I wanna talk about in thisepisode is to ask you to think
about your use of alcohol inmidlife.
What was liquid courage and away to connect and bond with
your friends and your youth mayactually be keeping you up and
(03:33):
making you cranky in midlife.
Why is that?
You might ask?
Well, as you don't need me toremind you.
There are so many biologicalchanges in midlife.
Your metabolism is slower.
You have a lot of hormoneshifts, especially your
estrogen.
And your body actually has aheightened sensitivity to sugar
(03:54):
and alcohol.
Kind of good news, bad news,right?
You may find it less tempting toeat sugar because you just don't
feel as good afterwards, but youmay love the relaxing feeling
you get from alcohol.
What is alcohol made of sugar?
It's important to know that inmidlife, your body is not
processing alcohol the way itdid when you were 20 out at the
(04:17):
bar with your friends.
The other biggie when it comesto midlife and alcohol is sleep
disruption.
Alcohol can definitely help youfall asleep, but for many
people, leads to those 2:00 AMwakings and sleep that isn't
restful.
To be honest, this one lifechange led me to let go of that
evening glass of wine becauseI'd be up at two and I couldn't
(04:40):
go back to sleep till four.
Another reason why alcoholdoesn't work the same in midlife
is its emotional impact.
Your body creates a tolerance toalcohol.
Where you could get relaxed andcalm, maybe with one glass of
wine at 25 or 35, you may findyourself, as many of my clients
have up to a half a bottle oreven a bottle a night in order
(05:04):
to experience that same sense ofcalm.
That is too much alcohol.
A half a bottle of wine, abottle of wine a night, it can
really sneak up on you and itreally can cause you to wake up
in the morning feeling likecrap, but also feeling guilty
and even more anxious becauseyou know that you've drank too
(05:24):
much.
Interestingly, this same drinkthat made you call when you were
20 or 22 over time actuallyincreases your stress hormones,
which makes you feel much moreanxious.
In a nutshell, what I'm sayingto you is your buddy alcohol in,
you aren't getting along inmidlife the way you did in your
(05:45):
early twenties.
So what's a midlifer to do?
Coping Skill?
Number one.
Face the truth.
I bet your body, and I bet yourmind has been telling you for
quite some time, that you andalcohol just aren't dancing like
you used to.
If you wanna feel great midlife,if you wanna have less anxiety,
most people will have to haveless alcohol.
(06:08):
I'm underlining the word less.
Yes.
Some people as they age, chooseto stop drinking altogether, but
for my clients who love wine,who love beer, who love a mixed
drink, what I ask them to do isto run their own sets of
experiments, and that's copingskill number two.
Think about how many times inyour life you put energy into
(06:29):
making something better.
Maybe you're updating yourcomputer, maybe you're
repainting a room.
I want you to do the same thingreshaping and updating your
relationship to alcohol, and theonly way to do that is to have a
plan.
I ask people to get mathy andmeasure how many ounces are you
drinking?
I have a very funny story aboutthis.
(06:51):
During the pandemic, one of myclients was walking through her
kitchen and on her counter, worea bunch of wine glasses.
I asked her to stop and to get ameasuring cup, and measure out
how many ounces of wine she wastypically drinking.
Let me tell you, these wineglasses, they looked like
buckets.
She got a measuring cup out andher wine glass held a little
(07:13):
under eight ounces.
I then walked to my Chinacabinet and I took out one of my
wedding wine glasses to showher, and we both laughed.
It looked like a thimble.
When I measured it, it was justunder four ounces, supersize me.
That's what we've done with allof our cocktails.
We're getting much more alcoholthan we used to, and one of the
(07:36):
updates is to get very mathymeasure how much wine or beer or
in a mixed drink.
If you're out and about, askthem how many ounces are you
putting in it?
That way you can keep track fora week or two, and then what I
encourage you to do is cut itdown by 25% and see if you're
(07:58):
getting the bad aspects ofalcohol.
If you're still waking up atmidnight, if you're waking up
anxious, then you cut it down byanother 25%.
You probably get the drift.
The point is to use a little bitof effort, a little bit
intention, and to rework andupdate how you are using alcohol
in midlife so you get the bestof it where it calms you, but it
(08:21):
doesn't disrupt your sleep orhave you wake up in the morning
feeling more anxious.
Spoiler alert.
I've had hundreds of people dothis.
Some people actually over timedecide to seldom drink.
Their sleep is so important andalcohol wrecks it so much.
They just say, I'm done.
But what most people realize istheir alcohol use has actually
(08:43):
crept up in midlife to an amountthat is not healthy and they're
able to dial it back and enjoythe benefits of alcohol without
suffering the side effects.
Coping skill number two.
Is to turn on a little bit ofself-awareness and ask yourself,
why am I having a drink?
Perhaps you're having a drinkbecause you're out with friends
(09:05):
and it's Friday night and itfeels so good just to relax,
separate from the work week,fantastic.
But maybe if you're at homehaving a drink because you're
really mad at somebody and youdon't know what to do with your
anger, not so great.
There's a difference betweendrinking for socializing and
connection and restoration anddrinking for numbing.
(09:27):
Coping skill.
Number two is to use yoursuperpower of self-awareness and
define for yourself why you'redrinking.
Lean more and more towardsdrinking, for connection,
relaxation, and restoration.
Coping skill Number three, whatif you happen to be using
alcohol to numb your anxiety?
Three cheers for you, not forusing alcohol to numb your
(09:49):
anxiety, but the fact that youare able to recognize it.
One of the reasons I'm doingthis podcast is to give you
coping skills to manage youranxiety amongst all the stresses
of midlife.
If you find yourself usingalcohol to numb your anxiety.
I wanna encourage you to lookback at my previous episodes.
(10:09):
I have more than 150.
You can find some reallyincredible tools that can help
you move through the anxiety toname it, to tame it and to aim
it.
And what often happens when youjust do simple breath work and
move through that anxiety andget to aim is you get the gold.
You then get ideas of what youcan do.
(10:33):
One thing I've learned intalking to lots of my clients
who are really updating theirrelationship with alcohol is
what they find really helpful isa little bit more physical
exercise and doing somethingthat's enjoyable.
Before you open that bottle ofwine, go out for a 10 minute
walk.
Let yourself do some gentlestretching.
(10:55):
Put on a song that makes youhappy and move your body and
move your mind to a differentplace beyond the anxiety.
Coping skill.
Number four, try somenon-alcoholic drinks.
O' Douls the beer withoutalcohol has been around forever,
but lately the beverage industryis catching up with the demands
(11:18):
of midlifers and there's allkinds of wine without alcohol,
and I tasted one the other weekand it was really, really good.
I thought, wow, this is great.
I can still have that exactpleasure of having a glass of
wine without paying for it eighthours later.
In this episode, I've given youthe science of why alcohol in
(11:40):
you may not be getting along inmidlife the way you did in your
twenties.
I am encouraging you to whineabout wine, and what do I mean
by that?
Put words to what's happening inyour body with alcohol in
midlife.
Update your relationship toalcohol.
Get math and measure for twoweeks how much alcohol you're
(12:02):
actually drinking.
Be honest.
Are you drinking to socializeand connect and relax or are you
drinking to numb your feeling orbecause you're bored?
If you find yourself drinking tonumb feelings or because you're
bored, look at episode 130 onemotional regulation and name
tame and aim your feelings.
(12:23):
Let that 90 seconds, that's allit takes of uncomfortable
feeling move through you.
Your inner challenge this weekis to step into your power when
it comes to you and alcohol.
Choose one of the things I'vetalked about, measure, and
really get a sense of how muchyou're drinking over a two week
period.
Or use your self-awareness andget clear on your reason for
(12:48):
drinking.
I'm gonna be back on Thursdayand give you the latest science
on cannabis pot and midlife atopic that is seldom talked
about and this information forthose of you parenting is
essential.
Thanks for listening to CreatingMidlife Calm.
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