Are you caught between wanting to help your adult child and drowning in anxiety because nothing seems to change?
There’s a way to support them without losing yourself.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- How to shift into a steady mindset that protects your peace — and gives your child the space they need to build confidence and resilience.
- How to set clear, loving boundaries around finances, home life, and expectations — helping your child develop responsibility and independence.
- How to recognize and address overuse and addiction issues with calm honesty — creating an environment where real healing and progress can begin.
🎧 Listen now to start building doable coping skills you need to ease anxiety, stay grounded, and support your adult child’s growth without enabling.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
support your adult child whofeels stuck.
Built-in Microphone (00:04):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:25):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:29):
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we explored why somany young adults are struggling
to launch.
Looking at factors liketechnology, cannabis use, and
the changing economy.
Figuring out how to help yourchild get unstuck while
protecting your own peace ofmind requires a very specific
kind of strength.
By the end of this episode,you'll discover the mindset that
(00:51):
helps most in these situations.
How to set healthy home andfinancial boundaries.
Why it's so important to addressoveruse and addiction, and how
stepping back from overinvolvement can actually help
you move forward on a personalgoal of your own.
Let's begin by checking in withMonday's Inner Challenge.
How'd you do on letting go ofthe shame story around your own
(01:13):
adult child's struggles?
It's not easy.
Shame can creep in quietly,especially when you're comparing
your child's path to what youthought it would be or to other
adults.
Releasing your shame story isthe first step in becoming the
calm, steady presence theyactually need.
Let's begin with a quickreminder.
(01:35):
This isn't just your family.
Nearly one in four adults in theUS live at home, they're
navigating a world that's morecomplex, more expensive, and
more digitally distracting thanever.
They're also facingunprecedented levels of anxiety,
disconnection, and mental healthand lifestyle challenges, and
let's name what often goesunspoken: this is hard.
(02:00):
Shifting from fixer to guide canfeel like a real loss.
Many parents tell me they feelguilt, sadness, anger, even
fear.
That's normal and it's okay.
You're not just supporting yourchild in their growth, but you
too are also going to have togrow in this really difficult
(02:22):
situation.
Coping skill Number one, nameyour mindset.
Let's start with you.
Observe your thoughts about yourchild.
Are you in fixer mode,constantly trying to solve
things?
Do you feel resentful thatthey're consuming so much of
your energy during a time youthought you'd finally reclaim
some freedom?
Maybe you feel helpless ordefeated.
(02:45):
The first place to start is notwith your child, but with
yourself.
There's no easy or clear cutsolutions but some of the most
inspiring parents I've workedwith are those whose children
were diagnosed with cancer.
After the initial overwhelm,these parents often found a way
to become steady, calm, andclear.
(03:05):
What I have taken to call thelighthouse mindset?
A lighthouse doesn't sail intothe storm.
It stays rooted and steadyshining a light to help others
find their way.
You are not steering yourchild's ship.
You're offering guidance clarityfrom a solid place.
(03:25):
You're beaming onto them saying,I believe in you.
I think you can figure this out.
You're not alone.
Many of these parents who havesick children have said to me, I
didn't even know I had thisstrength, and I believe the same
is true for you.
You may be thinking, Hey, mj, Iam no lighthouse.
(03:47):
But if your child were facing alife-threatening illness, you'd
find strength you didn't knowyou had.
You'd meditate, walk, pray, cry,breathe, whatever it took to
stay grounded and be there,steady light in the storm.
You'd also receive casserolescards and compassion.
But when your child isemotionally or behaviorally
(04:09):
stuck.
Shame isolates you, andisolation can warp your mindset.
So coping skill number one isthis, face the reality of your
situation and choose thelighthouse mindset.
Coping skill number two, shinelight on the problem.
Every family handles thisdifferently.
(04:31):
Some dim the light and hopetheir 26-year-old will grow out
of eight hours of Fortnite.
Others go full floodlight,hovering, critiquing every move.
The lighthouse mindset offers adifferent path.
One of honest illumination.
I often suggest having aconversation with your child
with these three open-endedquestions.
(04:54):
Number one?
Is this where you thought you'dbe at this stage in your life?
Number two, how do you think yougot here?
Number three, would you be opento some help moving forward?
Tailor these questions to yourown voice and situation.
But remember, you're not askingfor your sake.
You're offering a mirror, alight for them to reflect.
(05:17):
Ask with curiosity, notjudgment.
Then listen, really listen.
Don't go off and do yourstories, your suggestions.
No correcting, no fixing, justpresence.
If your child says, I thoughtI'd have a full-time job in an
apartment of my own by now, butI'm stuck making minimum wage
(05:39):
and getting lousy tips livingwith you, and then follows up
with, no, I don't really wantany help It's hopeless.
Nothing's gonna change.
You can simply say, thanks fortelling me.
I was just wondering what youwere thinking.
Then go do something that bringsyou joy.
Walk the dog, take a bath, playpickleball.
(06:00):
You're not despairing.
You're practicing the lighthousemindset.
Don't phone a friend andcomplain about what he said.
You're asking so your child canhear themself Think.
If your child says Yes, I wanthelp.
Respond, great.
Come up with five ideas andlet's talk about them tomorrow.
(06:21):
I've got pickleball In 30minutes.
You're planting seeds and seeds.
Take time.
Remember, the rhythm of thisconversation stays the same.
You're asking for theirthoughts, not giving yours.
You're inviting their ideas, notoffering solutions because as
you likely know, they will pushback on your excellent
(06:43):
suggestions, but feel veryempowered by their own.
You may have to have this typeof conversation many times about
different topics.
Remember, you're just plantingseeds and often children who are
stuck unconsciously are testingparents to see if you are
(07:04):
willing to work harder thanthem.
You have to be that steadylighthouse shining the light,
but not going out into sea.
Coping skill number three,clarify expectations around
living at home and financialsupport.
Here are my two guidingprinciples.
(07:25):
Number one, don't make it toocomfortable.
Number two, don't keep it vague.
Many stuck kids didn't plan onstaying.
It just happened.
One of my kids moved back homeduring the pandemic.
Living at home as an adult is aparadox.
Children remember being a kidhere and often revert to
(07:46):
childlike roles, but there arealso adults and sometimes only
when it suits them.
So do what a lighthouse mindsetdoes best.
Shine the light and name theparadox.
I said to my adult child oneday, you know, this isn't
natural, so we'll need to updatehow we do things.
I'll treat you like an adult andthat means you pitching in.
(08:10):
Maybe you haven't done this yet.
That's okay.
Start now.
You might say, it looks likeyou'll be with us longer.
Let's update the arrangement soyou're a full member of the
household.
Assign chores, have them cookdinner, go to the grocery, and
share the tv, the screens, andthe computers.
Many families charge rent or askfor grocery contributions.
(08:33):
Sometimes they return that rentas money for a future apartment
fund.
This approach has threeadvantages.
It treats them like an adult.
It helps them learn to managemoney, and it creates motivation
to earn more.
Without expectations, your childmay live in a false sense of
security.
If they're unemployed, let themearn by doing chores around the
(08:56):
house.
Make sure they sign up forunemployment.
This is one of the best hacks Iever discovered.
When I work with young peoplewho are unemployed.
I insist on this as part oftheir treatment.
For many of them, no one intheir family has ever received
unemployment.
The experience of going to theoffice, signing up is
(09:19):
eye-opening.
But the other thing that happensis that the unemployment
department requires that theykeep looking for work in order
for them to get the check andfood stamps.
And of course, the food stampsare donated to the family.
Expect resistance, maybe eventears.
This is just a brief return toteen hood.
(09:41):
Let their waves crash.
You stay steady.
if you find it too hard to staysteady, jump in and do three or
four therapy sessions so you canhold the boundary.
Coping skill Number four,courageously address addiction
and overuse.
Many young adults who feel stuckare overusing something, phones,
(10:01):
games, porn, pot, alcohol.
They didn't start with aproblem.
Most began for connection,pleasure, or relief.
But over time, tolerance buildsusage, increases motivation,
mood and mental health suffer.
As a parent.
Step back and shine the light.
How many hours a day are they onthe screens?
(10:23):
How often are they usingsubstances?
For many more than two hours ofscreen time daily, especially
paired with cannabis starts todysregulate the dopamine system
and worsen anxiety anddepression.
If addiction is present, you'llneed more than this podcast.
Find a therapist trained infamily systems and addiction.
(10:44):
And you should find your way toAl-Anon because that can be a
really helpful starting point.
And please don't wait for yourchild to hit bottom if no one's
ever had a real conversationwith them about their use.
Many of my clients have neversat down and examined their use
let alone their denial or theirexcuses.
(11:04):
This isn't about judgment, it'sabout truth.
The world your child lives inisn't telling them that two
hours of phone use a day isideal, or that smoking weed
should be only once or twice aweek, but you can.
If they can't hear it from you,then you know therapy is needed.
If they can hear it from you,but their use doesn't decrease,
(11:25):
stay the parent and find atherapist hey, I am here for
you, but I won't take over.
I believe in you even if ittakes time to figure things out.
And on an obvious side note, Iflike your child, you tend to
overuse or addicted tosubstances, this is the perfect
(11:45):
time for you to step in andtreat your own issues.
Coping Skill number five, breakthe habit of over involvement.
Let me state the obvious.
We all start out as parents overfunctioning.
Remember those sleepless nights?
Recall all those appointmentsand games and schedules you
(12:05):
managed.
All in the name of love, but inadulthood that can send a
different message.
Over involvement.
Says to your child, I don'tthink you can do this without
me.
If every time you think aboutyour child doing this without
you, you get sad, you feelgrief, understand that is
(12:26):
normal, but I invite you to letgo of your child so your child
can step in to his or her ownlife.
The shift from doing for todoing with or sometimes doing
Nothing at all is hard, butnecessary.
You can still be warm andsupportive while allowing
natural consequences to takeroot.
(12:49):
While your child is working ontheir life, work on yours.
Pick something you've avoided.
One of my clients decided tolive within a budget.
She always overspent and feltanxious about money.
She started tracking herspending and realized how hard
it was to change her belief thatshe was bad with money, but she
(13:10):
kept at it and that changedeverything.
Her 28-year-old daughter who wasliving at home got frustrated
when her mom stopped taking hershopping and went out and got a
job to buy what she wanted.
That led to the mom chargingrent.
That led to the daughterre-enrolling in college to
(13:30):
finish her last three classes.
See the ripple.
What might shift in your child'slife if you made a bold shift in
yours?
There is no quick fix when youradult child is stuck, but there
is slow and steady progressrooted in compassion,
boundaries, and accountability.
(13:51):
Your compassion is the light,the light that says to your
child, I believe you can figureit out.
You're not alone.
We're here to support you, butwe can't do it for you.
Your boundaries andaccountability are the
structure.
Together they form yourlighthouse mindset.
(14:11):
I.
This episode, you discoveredfive key ways to support your
adult child without enabling.
Cultivate the lighthousemindset, shine light on the
problem with calm and curiosity.
Set clear expectations aroundhome life, and finances.
Honestly, address overuse oraddiction, and break the habit
(14:33):
of over involvement.
These aren't just parentingtools.
They're invitations to grow,evolve, and reclaim your calm,
one steady light beam at a time.
So let me ask, which of thesefive steps are you ready to try
this week?
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Monday with morecreating midlife calm.
In this episode, you'll discover how to
support your adult child whofeels stuck.
Built-in Microphone (00:04):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:25):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:29):
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we explored why somany young adults are struggling
to launch.
Looking at factors liketechnology, cannabis use, and
the changing economy.
Figuring out how to help yourchild get unstuck while
protecting your own peace ofmind requires a very specific
kind of strength.
By the end of this episode,you'll discover the mindset that
(00:51):
helps most in these situations.
How to set healthy home andfinancial boundaries.
Why it's so important to addressoveruse and addiction, and how
stepping back from overinvolvement can actually help
you move forward on a personalgoal of your own.
Let's begin by checking in withMonday's Inner Challenge.
How'd you do on letting go ofthe shame story around your own
(01:13):
adult child's struggles?
It's not easy.
Shame can creep in quietly,especially when you're comparing
your child's path to what youthought it would be or to other
adults.
Releasing your shame story isthe first step in becoming the
calm, steady presence theyactually need.
Let's begin with a quickreminder.
(01:35):
This isn't just your family.
Nearly one in four adults in theUS live at home, they're
navigating a world that's morecomplex, more expensive, and
more digitally distracting thanever.
They're also facingunprecedented levels of anxiety,
disconnection, and mental healthand lifestyle challenges, and
let's name what often goesunspoken: this is hard.
(02:00):
Shifting from fixer to guide canfeel like a real loss.
Many parents tell me they feelguilt, sadness, anger, even
fear.
That's normal and it's okay.
You're not just supporting yourchild in their growth, but you
too are also going to have togrow in this really difficult
(02:22):
situation.
Coping skill Number one, nameyour mindset.
Let's start with you.
Observe your thoughts about yourchild.
Are you in fixer mode,constantly trying to solve
things?
Do you feel resentful thatthey're consuming so much of
your energy during a time youthought you'd finally reclaim
some freedom?
Maybe you feel helpless ordefeated.
(02:45):
The first place to start is notwith your child, but with
yourself.
There's no easy or clear cutsolutions but some of the most
inspiring parents I've workedwith are those whose children
were diagnosed with cancer.
After the initial overwhelm,these parents often found a way
to become steady, calm, andclear.
(03:05):
What I have taken to call thelighthouse mindset?
A lighthouse doesn't sail intothe storm.
It stays rooted and steadyshining a light to help others
find their way.
You are not steering yourchild's ship.
You're offering guidance clarityfrom a solid place.
(03:25):
You're beaming onto them saying,I believe in you.
I think you can figure this out.
You're not alone.
Many of these parents who havesick children have said to me, I
didn't even know I had thisstrength, and I believe the same
is true for you.
You may be thinking, Hey, mj, Iam no lighthouse.
(03:47):
But if your child were facing alife-threatening illness, you'd
find strength you didn't knowyou had.
You'd meditate, walk, pray, cry,breathe, whatever it took to
stay grounded and be there,steady light in the storm.
You'd also receive casserolescards and compassion.
But when your child isemotionally or behaviorally
(04:09):
stuck.
Shame isolates you, andisolation can warp your mindset.
So coping skill number one isthis, face the reality of your
situation and choose thelighthouse mindset.
Coping skill number two, shinelight on the problem.
Every family handles thisdifferently.
(04:31):
Some dim the light and hopetheir 26-year-old will grow out
of eight hours of Fortnite.
Others go full floodlight,hovering, critiquing every move.
The lighthouse mindset offers adifferent path.
One of honest illumination.
I often suggest having aconversation with your child
with these three open-endedquestions.
(04:54):
Number one?
Is this where you thought you'dbe at this stage in your life?
Number two, how do you think yougot here?
Number three, would you be opento some help moving forward?
Tailor these questions to yourown voice and situation.
But remember, you're not askingfor your sake.
You're offering a mirror, alight for them to reflect.
(05:17):
Ask with curiosity, notjudgment.
Then listen, really listen.
Don't go off and do yourstories, your suggestions.
No correcting, no fixing, justpresence.
If your child says, I thoughtI'd have a full-time job in an
apartment of my own by now, butI'm stuck making minimum wage
(05:39):
and getting lousy tips livingwith you, and then follows up
with, no, I don't really wantany help It's hopeless.
Nothing's gonna change.
You can simply say, thanks fortelling me.
I was just wondering what youwere thinking.
Then go do something that bringsyou joy.
Walk the dog, take a bath, playpickleball.
(06:00):
You're not despairing.
You're practicing the lighthousemindset.
Don't phone a friend andcomplain about what he said.
You're asking so your child canhear themself Think.
If your child says Yes, I wanthelp.
Respond, great.
Come up with five ideas andlet's talk about them tomorrow.
(06:21):
I've got pickleball In 30minutes.
You're planting seeds and seeds.
Take time.
Remember, the rhythm of thisconversation stays the same.
You're asking for theirthoughts, not giving yours.
You're inviting their ideas, notoffering solutions because as
you likely know, they will pushback on your excellent
(06:43):
suggestions, but feel veryempowered by their own.
You may have to have this typeof conversation many times about
different topics.
Remember, you're just plantingseeds and often children who are
stuck unconsciously are testingparents to see if you are
(07:04):
willing to work harder thanthem.
You have to be that steadylighthouse shining the light,
but not going out into sea.
Coping skill number three,clarify expectations around
living at home and financialsupport.
Here are my two guidingprinciples.
(07:25):
Number one, don't make it toocomfortable.
Number two, don't keep it vague.
Many stuck kids didn't plan onstaying.
It just happened.
One of my kids moved back homeduring the pandemic.
Living at home as an adult is aparadox.
Children remember being a kidhere and often revert to
(07:46):
childlike roles, but there arealso adults and sometimes only
when it suits them.
So do what a lighthouse mindsetdoes best.
Shine the light and name theparadox.
I said to my adult child oneday, you know, this isn't
natural, so we'll need to updatehow we do things.
I'll treat you like an adult andthat means you pitching in.
(08:10):
Maybe you haven't done this yet.
That's okay.
Start now.
You might say, it looks likeyou'll be with us longer.
Let's update the arrangement soyou're a full member of the
household.
Assign chores, have them cookdinner, go to the grocery, and
share the tv, the screens, andthe computers.
Many families charge rent or askfor grocery contributions.
(08:33):
Sometimes they return that rentas money for a future apartment
fund.
This approach has threeadvantages.
It treats them like an adult.
It helps them learn to managemoney, and it creates motivation
to earn more.
Without expectations, your childmay live in a false sense of
security.
If they're unemployed, let themearn by doing chores around the
(08:56):
house.
Make sure they sign up forunemployment.
This is one of the best hacks Iever discovered.
When I work with young peoplewho are unemployed.
I insist on this as part oftheir treatment.
For many of them, no one intheir family has ever received
unemployment.
The experience of going to theoffice, signing up is
(09:19):
eye-opening.
But the other thing that happensis that the unemployment
department requires that theykeep looking for work in order
for them to get the check andfood stamps.
And of course, the food stampsare donated to the family.
Expect resistance, maybe eventears.
This is just a brief return toteen hood.
(09:41):
Let their waves crash.
You stay steady.
if you find it too hard to staysteady, jump in and do three or
four therapy sessions so you canhold the boundary.
Coping skill Number four,courageously address addiction
and overuse.
Many young adults who feel stuckare overusing something, phones,
(10:01):
games, porn, pot, alcohol.
They didn't start with aproblem.
Most began for connection,pleasure, or relief.
But over time, tolerance buildsusage, increases motivation,
mood and mental health suffer.
As a parent.
Step back and shine the light.
How many hours a day are they onthe screens?
(10:23):
How often are they usingsubstances?
For many more than two hours ofscreen time daily, especially
paired with cannabis starts todysregulate the dopamine system
and worsen anxiety anddepression.
If addiction is present, you'llneed more than this podcast.
Find a therapist trained infamily systems and addiction.
(10:44):
And you should find your way toAl-Anon because that can be a
really helpful starting point.
And please don't wait for yourchild to hit bottom if no one's
ever had a real conversationwith them about their use.
Many of my clients have neversat down and examined their use
let alone their denial or theirexcuses.
(11:04):
This isn't about judgment, it'sabout truth.
The world your child lives inisn't telling them that two
hours of phone use a day isideal, or that smoking weed
should be only once or twice aweek, but you can.
If they can't hear it from you,then you know therapy is needed.
If they can hear it from you,but their use doesn't decrease,
(11:25):
stay the parent and find atherapist hey, I am here for
you, but I won't take over.
I believe in you even if ittakes time to figure things out.
And on an obvious side note, Iflike your child, you tend to
overuse or addicted tosubstances, this is the perfect
(11:45):
time for you to step in andtreat your own issues.
Coping Skill number five, breakthe habit of over involvement.
Let me state the obvious.
We all start out as parents overfunctioning.
Remember those sleepless nights?
Recall all those appointmentsand games and schedules you
(12:05):
managed.
All in the name of love, but inadulthood that can send a
different message.
Over involvement.
Says to your child, I don'tthink you can do this without
me.
If every time you think aboutyour child doing this without
you, you get sad, you feelgrief, understand that is
(12:26):
normal, but I invite you to letgo of your child so your child
can step in to his or her ownlife.
The shift from doing for todoing with or sometimes doing
Nothing at all is hard, butnecessary.
You can still be warm andsupportive while allowing
natural consequences to takeroot.
(12:49):
While your child is working ontheir life, work on yours.
Pick something you've avoided.
One of my clients decided tolive within a budget.
She always overspent and feltanxious about money.
She started tracking herspending and realized how hard
it was to change her belief thatshe was bad with money, but she
(13:10):
kept at it and that changedeverything.
Her 28-year-old daughter who wasliving at home got frustrated
when her mom stopped taking hershopping and went out and got a
job to buy what she wanted.
That led to the mom chargingrent.
That led to the daughterre-enrolling in college to
(13:30):
finish her last three classes.
See the ripple.
What might shift in your child'slife if you made a bold shift in
yours?
There is no quick fix when youradult child is stuck, but there
is slow and steady progressrooted in compassion,
boundaries, and accountability.
(13:51):
Your compassion is the light,the light that says to your
child, I believe you can figureit out.
You're not alone.
We're here to support you, butwe can't do it for you.
Your boundaries andaccountability are the
structure.
Together they form yourlighthouse mindset.
(14:11):
I.
This episode, you discoveredfive key ways to support your
adult child without enabling.
Cultivate the lighthousemindset, shine light on the
problem with calm and curiosity.
Set clear expectations aroundhome life, and finances.
Honestly, address overuse oraddiction, and break the habit
(14:33):
of over involvement.
These aren't just parentingtools.
They're invitations to grow,evolve, and reclaim your calm,
one steady light beam at a time.
So let me ask, which of thesefive steps are you ready to try
this week?
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Monday with morecreating midlife calm.
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