Episode Transcript
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M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this
episode, you'll discover the two
questions every graduate needsto ask.
Built-in Microphone (00:05):
Welcome to
Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:26):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
M.J. Murray Vachon LCSW (00:29):
Welcome
to the podcast.
It's graduation season, andearlier this week, I held the
first midlife graduationceremony.
If you listen to that episode,congratulations.
You deserve it.
You're ready to carry the torch.
As a midlifer, you probably knowa high school or college senior
who's graduating soon.
Maybe you're searching for theperfect gift card or meme to
(00:51):
send.
Let me help.
Today I'm creating an episodethat you can pass on to them.
I'm sharing what I would say ifI could give them a commencement
speech straight from the heartsof all the people I have worked
with over the last 40 years.
Please feel free to send this tothose graduates who you love.
(01:19):
Welcome to the podcast graduatesof 2025.
On this day, you're probablyfeeling a mix of emotions,
pride, relief, excitement, andmaybe even a little regret.
You've completed high school orcollege.
You know that part of youreducation is in the books, but
deep down, you also know you'renot finished, not by a long
(01:40):
shot.
There are so many paths, so manyoptions, so much pressure.
Every year I listen to the bestof commencement speeches.
I just love them.
They're aspiring.
But as a clinical social workerwith almost 50,000 hours of
client sessions, I have alwayswanted to send a different
message.
A message that reflects what somany of my clients have said to
(02:03):
me about what they have learnedin therapy.
As treatment ends almostunanimously, people say to me,
thanks, but I wish I knew thiswhen I was younger, So I'm
asking my listeners of thismidlife podcast to listen to
this commencement speech andforward it to you kind of like a
card.
(02:23):
My hope is that I can shareinformation that not only meets
you where you are today, butactually helps you understand
where to point your energies forthe next three to eight years.
In this commencement episode, Iwanna offer you something more
than lasting advice I want tohelp you understand why your
anxiety doesn't mean you're offtrack.
(02:44):
How discovering who you are is aprocess, not a test.
And why learning to love otherswell, not just romantically, but
deeply and relationally is thereal work of becoming an adult.
You don't need to be perfect.
You don't need to haveeverything figured out.
At your age and stage.
You just can't have it figuredout, but you will be pointed in
(03:06):
the right direction if you staywith these two questions.
Who am I and can I love?
And you bring your anxiety alongwith you.
Whether you're 18 or 22, you'rein the middle of one of the most
profound stages of humandevelopment.
Adolescence starts at 12, endsaround 25.
It's the stage of discoveringwho you are.
(03:29):
Psychologist Eric Ericksoncalled it the search for
identity.
It's the phase where your mindbegins to ask one powerful and
relentless question, who am I?
And if you were to answer thatquestion honestly today, I think
many of you would say, I'manxious.
After all your generation hasbeen dubbed the Anxious
(03:51):
generation.
What do I have to say aboutthat?
Congratulations.
You are right on schedule.
You are ready to graduate, andyes, you get to bring your
anxiety with you.
You've done nothing wrong.
In fact, you're brave for beinghonest about how you feel.
For 31 years.
I've led a mental wellnessprogram called Inner Challenge.
(04:13):
It's been in schools,businesses, and even Notre Dame
football.
And for almost 40 years I'veworked closely with people your
same age, helping them explorethis foundational question.
Who am I?
And this is what I've learned.
You have gifts, you havetalents, you have dreams as you
go to the next place in yourlife.
(04:34):
Perhaps you're off to college ortrade school.
Maybe you're off to a world ofwork.
Maybe you don't know what you'reoff to.
It doesn't matter where you'reheaded.
Your job is the same.
To work on answering thequestion, who am I?
We need you to know who you arebecause we need you to
contribute in your corner of theworld.
(04:54):
Yes, you can make your corner ofthe world a bit brighter, a bit
more loving, a bit healthier,and a bit more fun.
Let me be the first to assureyou, you don't need to find the
cure for cancer before you're 30and you don't need to be like
your favorite influencer with amillion followers.
You need to figure out yourpath.
(05:15):
And the only way to do this isto march forward with your
anxiety in tow.
Over the past few years, maybeyou've tried on labels, push
back against expectations.
Define yourself by GPA, yourplaylist, your sports, your
activities, your friend group,and your story.
That's all part of it.
From 12 to 25, you're doing aheavy lifting of building your
(05:37):
identity.
And that kind of work naturallybrings with it anxiety.
It's hard not knowing who youare, and it's even harder
pretending you do, while you'restill figuring it out.
But hear this, you are notsupposed to have it all figured
out.
Did you catch that deep breath?
You just took.
The uncertainty you're feeling.
(05:58):
It's not failure.
It's the path.
It's part of the process ofanswering the question, who am I
in an authentic way that willguide you towards your future.
Let me tell you a story.
Years ago, a young woman wasabsolutely sure she wanted to be
a veterinarian until she workedat a vet's office and fainted at
(06:19):
the sight of blood.
Next, she decided she'd be alawyer, but eventually she
realized that lawyering wouldonly intensify her desire to
always be right.
Then one day a professor shereally respected, suggested she
become a clinical social worker,a therapist, ah.
She thought this would be a wayto help people heal without
(06:41):
blood.
A way to connect with otherswithout needing to win.
That woman was me.
What's the point?
Answering who I am isn't a soloproject.
People will offer guidance bewise and take it in.
Some of it will come from peoplewho love you and know you well.
Some of it won't feel right andthat can be helpful.
(07:02):
I am not that.
Some will come from algorithmsand strangers online who will
never meet you.
Trust what makes your heartsing.
Your brain.
Stay engaged.
Your heart feel filled withpurpose.
As you move through your daysand night, take note of that
which feels true inside of you.
Those moments, those experiencesshine a light on who you are.
(07:26):
Think of them like little stars.
One or two or three.
Don't give you much to go on,but those one, two, and three
eventually become.
40, 50, 60, 70, and that night'ssky of yours becomes clearer,
There's no deadline.
You'll know when you know.
It's your ability to stay withthe question, who am I?
(07:49):
That builds self-awareness,perseverance, fortitude,
clarity, and a strong sense ofright and wrong.
All Inner strengths you'll needas life takes you to new and
unfamiliar places, but sometimesyour desire to avoid anxiety can
stop you from trying things thatwould teach you the most.
(08:10):
A client once said to me, I'm sonervous to audition for this
play.
I wish I could just record itand send it in.
Sound familiar.
Here's what I told her and whatI'll tell you tend and befriend
your anxiety.
Don't ignore it.
Don't eat a gummy.
Don't scroll on your phone.
When your anxiety rises, trythis.
(08:32):
Take 90 seconds, move yourattention to your feet.
Place your hands over the partof your body where you feel the
anxiety.
Breathe gently.
You don't have to get rid ofyour anxiety.
You just have to calm it enoughto move forward.
Of course, you'll feel anxiousdoing hard things.
Of course, you'll feel anxiousdoing new things.
(08:53):
You'll feel anxious when youfail.
You'll feel anxious after yousucceed.
Anxiety isn't always a terriblething to get rid of.
Sometimes it just means that youreally care about whatever's
going on.
Now, let's go deeper.
Answering who I am isn't justabout your talents or test
scores.
It's also about your values.
(09:15):
Another story I once worked witha student who got caught
cheating on a test.
He was smart, active in sports,involved in clubs.
At first, he denied it.
Then he blamed the system.
Then he ended up in my office,he said to me, MJ, I already had
an A in that class.
Cheating, didn't changeanything.
(09:36):
What do they expect of me?
I asked him one simple question.
When you ask yourself, who am I?
Do you answer?
I'm a cheater.
He paused, then said.
No, not really, but sometimes Icheat when I feel like I can't
get everything done.
That moment of reflection, itbecame a gift.
It allowed him to explore on adeep level, his relationship
(10:00):
between ambition and integrity.
When you ask yourself thequestion, who am I?
Some of the most importantanswers will be, what are my
values?
You will act out of alignmentwith your values.
Sometimes.
That's not the real problem.
The problem is when you becomenumb to it, when you stop
noticing the cost, when you stoptelling yourself the truth,
(10:24):
because over time thatmisalignment quietly begins to
answer the question, who am I inways that don't reflect who you
truly want to be.
This brings us to the next bigquestion in your development,
Erickson's model of humandevelopment says that around 18
or 19.
Another question emerges.
(10:46):
Can I love?
In my career, I have easilyasked more than 10,000 people
what Erickson meant by this, andthe number one answer is always
the same.
Can I find my soulmate, my lifepartner?
That is not what Erickson meant.
Erickson is challenging you tobecome someone who can love
(11:06):
well.
Isn't that a bit mind blowinglyobvious?
If someday you hope to findsomeone who will love you.
You'll also want to be a personwho can love them.
As you keep growing, you'll feela deeper desire to connect, to
find your people, to relate, tobelong, to matter to others.
(11:28):
But don't let your anxiety oryour phone get in the way.
What does this powerful identityquestion can I love?
Mean?
To love well means being curiousand caring about others, and
really listening to their lifestory, listening to opinions
that challenge yours.
Holding space for someone else'semotions, sharing your own
(11:51):
emotions gently and honestly.
Trying to understand whatmatters to someone else.
Accepting the fragileness andlimitations of being human and
giving others the benefit of thedoubt before you rush into
judgment.
As you learn to love well, youunderstand that this is the
moment where your capital I, thestrong, solid self, that at
(12:17):
times can become self-centered,is transformed into a lowercase
italicized i let yourself seethat in your mind, that
beautiful, lowercase, italicizedi still grounded, but more
flexible, more open, moreconnected.
You'll practice this italicizedi in small ways.
(12:40):
On a project with someone who'sdifficult.
In a dorm room with a personfrom a different culture.
With a friend where everythingis easy peasy, hopefully on a
date with someone who takes yourbreath away for dating and
falling in love is the greatestact of courage.
And yes, it will come withanxiety, but guess what?
(13:04):
They feel it too.
And just like yours, theirs isinvisible.
Be anxious and connect anyways.
Be anxious and learn to answerthe question.
Can I love?
Look at these next years in yourlife and understand you have
time, you have an infrastructurethat you may never have for the
(13:26):
rest of your life to meet peoplefrom all over.
You have opportunities to buildreal meaningful connections.
Step into your agency and makethe most of it.
Not everyone will do this, butif you want to look for friends
who want to create a life thatis grounded full of meaning and
(13:47):
purpose, who are not swimming inthe competition and materialism
that our culture is drowning in.
How do you find suchlike-hearted friends?
Look for them at your part-timejob.
Join a club.
Take a class that leans intoself-reflection and personal
discovery.
Do service work where people aredrawn to helping others.
(14:08):
And then when you're at thosethings, put your phone in your
pocket and have a conversationwith those who are with you.
Look them in the eye.
Ask them a question aboutthemselves.
Listen.
Be curious.
Don't let first impressionsclose the door.
They are rarely the whole story.
I know many of you are morecomfortable texting than
(14:29):
talking, but love is built inconversation, in presence, in
connection.
And when the world feelsoverwhelming, when the 24 7
media cycle makes you questionwhether life is worth investing
in.
Pause, take a step back.
Yes, the world is messy, but ithas always been.
(14:51):
Now it's your turn.
You are human and that is morethan enough.
if you wanna work on your mentalwellness, I invite you to listen
to episodes one through 13.
Congratulations class of 2025.
You don't have to be perfect.
You don't have to know exactlywho you are.
You just have to stay with thequestions.
(15:12):
Who am I?
Can I love?
Bring your anxiety, staycurious, and keep growing.
You are human and that is morethan enough.
Happy graduation class of 2025.
We need you.
Thanks for listening to creatingMidlife Calm.