Ep. 165 Why Understanding Your Father's Emotional Influence Is Key to Building Emotional Resilience & Ease Anxiety in Midlife

Does Father’s Day bring more dread than celebration?
You’re not the only Midlifer who feels anxious or conflicted about your relationship with your Dad.

In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. Why your father can still trigger deep anxiety, anger and hurt  in midlife, even if you rarely see him
2. Five powerful coping skills to protect your peace before, during, and after Father’s Day
3. How to turn pain into growth without needing to “fix” your relationship with your Dad.

🎧 Take 12 minutes to reclaim your calm and care for yourself this Father’s Day—you’re worth it.

 

Send us a text

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About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.

Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.

Episode Transcript

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover the
value of reflecting on yourrelationship with your dad

Built-in Microphone (00:06):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of

(00:27):
experience teaching mentalwellness.

MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:30):
welcome to the podcast.
This coming weekend is Father'sDay, and if you're like many
people, this holiday might stirup complicated feelings.
So let's begin with a simplefill in the blank, this Father's
Day, I feel.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to navigate the

(00:50):
emotional complexity of Father'sDay and use it as an opportunity
for healing, gratitude, andmidlife growth, even if your
relationship with your dad ispainful, distant, confusing, or
wonderful.
I want to begin with the obviousFather's Day can bring up a wide
range of emotions.
For some of you, it may begratitude and grief for a father

(01:13):
who is a source of stability andcare, but is now gone or aging
into someone who's hardlyrecognizable.
For others, it's grief for afather who is never truly
present, maybe anger, addictionor self-centeredness blocked him
from being a steady presence.
Or perhaps you never even methim.
Then there's the middle ground,the gray area where many live

(01:36):
in.
Maybe your dad did his best andstill fell short in painful
ways.
One thing I hear a lot this timeof the year is.
Ah, father's Day, it doesn'tmatter.
It's just a hallmark holiday.
Sure, the holiday may bemanufactured, but your
relationship with your father isvery real.
And your feelings, grief, dread,anger, sadness, gratitude, and

(02:00):
even anxiety deserve care.
Here's a quick stat.
Research shows that men are halfas likely as women to seek
therapy or confide in closefriends.
That means that many dads hadlittle guidance when it came to
emotional connection, and youwere shaped by that.
One of the powerfuldevelopmental milestones in

(02:20):
midlife is reevaluating yourchildhood experiences.
This isn't navel gazing.
It's an act of growth.
You now have the adultperspective to explore how your
dad present, absent, orsomewhere in between, shaped
your identity, self-worth, andeven your parenting.
And here's one truth I want tooffer right up front.

(02:42):
No one in the world has the samedad.
My father, an attorney, hadstrong opinions on just about
everything.
I love that about him.
We debated all kinds of thingsfrom chores to when I could skip
church, which was never andwhether my husband and I were
buying the right house.
I credit him with my confidence,my voice, my willingness to

(03:05):
stand up for others.
I also credit him with myimpulse to want to always be
right and talk too much.
some good, some not so good.
Ask my husband.
Some of my siblings had adifferent view.
For them his strong opinionswere exhausting.
Who's right?
We both are.
Same dad, different experienceCoping skill number one, your

(03:27):
story is yours.
Your experience with your dad isyours alone.
No one has to agree with it.
No one has to share it.
You don't need to get anyone'sapproval for it.
And you'll do your siblings abig favor by allowing them to
have their own version of thesame man.
Coping skill number two, when itcomes to your dad or your dad's,

(03:50):
do the Inner work.
It may sound like a therapistcliche, but you can't fully grow
as an adult without doing yourInner work around your dad.
What does that mean?
It means putting words aroundhow your father shaped you, for
better or worse.
It means looking at all thefather figures in your life and
exploring their influence.

(04:10):
Let me share two examples.
One client appreciated that hermom named her father's anger as
his problem when she was little.
After a rage episode, her momwould put her on her lap and
say, darling, your dad has atemper.
He should not be yelling likethat.
That's about him, not us.
She would then offer herdaughter a hug.

(04:33):
That simple acknowledgementfollowed by a hug, helped
reregulate her nervous systemand made her feel safe.
She grew up into an adultunderstanding that other
people's inability to regulatetheir emotions was about them,
not her.
She thought this was normaluntil she married into a family
where her father-in-law gambledand her mother-in-law minimized

(04:56):
it.
He stressed the casino, helpshim relax.
She even had her childrenworking in their pre-teen years
to help with groceries and shecalled this being responsible.
Whatever your story, the firststep is to tell the truth about
it.
Years ago, I had a client whotold me in our very first
session, I'm never gonna talkabout my dad, about six months

(05:18):
into therapy.
She said, I think I'm beginningto understand that my
over-functioning and anxietymight be connected to trying to
please my dad.
I guess I need to talk abouthim.
She did, and over the next fewmonths, her sense of self began
to blossom.
She realized that her youngerself had learned to chase the
validation of a man who nevergave it.

(05:40):
As an adult, she began to accepther father's limitations and
focus on what he could give her"career advice, a love of Notre
Dame football and unwaveringsupport when she left an abusive
marriage.
While part of her still long tohear, I love you, or I'm proud
of you, she learned to see himfor who he was so she could

(06:01):
finally become who she wanted tobe.
If you've inherited toxicpatterns, control avoidance,
arrogance, addictions, you'llonly interrupt them by seeing
how they live in you now.
Even if you are sure they don't.
Americans clinging to the mythof the unshakeable dad.

(06:21):
Strong, steady, silent.
But that myth leaves little roomfor men to ask for help or feel
safe with their emotions.
In my 21 years in a junior high,I watched the girls hash out
drama and develop emotionalmuscles.
Boys, they kept it light sportsand video games.
Less conflict, but also lessdepth.

(06:44):
When you reflect on your dad'slegacy, zoom out.
Think about the culture, thetimes, the family he came from.
When my dad was 89 and dying, ahospice nurse told him he seemed
anxious.
Later, he said to me, she thinksI'm anxious.
I don't even know what anxietyis.
I could have rolled my eyes, butI zoomed out.

(07:05):
He was part of the greatestgeneration men praised for going
to war and never speaking of itagain.
He looked at me and said, whywould I be stressed?
I know I'm dying.
I tried to live well.
I hope to go to heaven.
What about any of this wouldstress me out?
His faith gave him a frameworkto feel safe when times were

(07:26):
rough and grateful when timeswere good.
His generation gave him silence.
The big takeaway when youreflect on your dad.
Don't do it in a vacuum.
If you focus only on your pain,you'll miss the context that
shaped both him and you.
one of the hardest parts ofcoming to terms with your dad is

(07:47):
your generation's learning willmost likely not be his.
That's why when I explainedanxiety to my dad, he didn't get
it.
Each generation has a chance todo better than the one before,
but your growth most likelywon't change your dad.
It changes you.
In earlier generations, growthwas measured through financial

(08:08):
success or educationalachievement.
But as our culture has begun tovalue emotional and relational
intelligence, our generation islearning to do better in deeper,
more human ways.
Let me share an example of thiswhere the intention is in the
right place.
But because all of this is new,it is easy for it to go

(08:29):
sideways.
A woman came into therapy withher 13-year-old daughter.
Her father had been a strictfear-based preacher.
She responded by parenting withonly love and choice.
The result, a self-absorbeddaughter who was lonely and
averse to limits.
Three weeks into therapy, thisdear woman broke down.

(08:50):
She looked at me and she said, Itried to do better than my dad,
but now I think I'm doing worse.
She learned the truth.
Doing the opposite of yourparents isn't healing, healing
is naming what helped and hurt,understanding your parents'
formation, choosing healthyactions from a grounded,

(09:12):
knowledgeable, and compassionateplace.
She re-centered her parentingaround this question.
How do I Raise a child who'sresponsible, kind, and able to
care for herself and others?
What was amazing to her is shemoved from her reactive
parenting.
I don't want to be like my dad,and began to remember the many

(09:33):
good things she got from hermother and grandfather.
Reflection isn't about blame,it's about growth.
It's about being able to see thewhole picture.
If your dad makes you feel alltangled up inside, find a
therapist who can help yougently untangle it, this work
takes time, but it will help youintegrate what's good and

(09:57):
release what no longer servesyou.
Your Inner Challenge this weekis to write a letter to your
dad.
Just start it with Dear Dad andlet it rip.
You don't need to send it, butletting the words come out
unfiltered is one of the bestways to check in with where you
are in this foundationalrelationship.

(10:18):
In this episode, you'vediscovered how to take advantage
of this hallmark manufacturedholiday.
How midlife invites you toreflect on your father's
influence, which isn'tmanufactured, but foundational
to your wellbeing.
Whether your dad was a source oflove, pain, or both, your
experience is real.

(10:39):
It is living inside of you andbecoming conscious of it will
help you become more of who youwant to be.
On Thursday, I'll be back with afollow-up episode on how to Get
through Father's Day.
When your dad causes anxiety oranger.
Whether you're grilling out ormaking a phone call, I want you

(11:00):
to show up with confidence.
Thanks for listening to creatingMidlife Calm.