Does Father’s Day bring more dread than celebration?
You’re not the only Midlifer who feels anxious or conflicted about your relationship with your Dad.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. Why your father can still trigger deep anxiety, anger and hurt in midlife, even if you rarely see him
2. Five powerful coping skills to protect your peace before, during, and after Father’s Day
3. How to turn pain into growth without needing to “fix” your relationship with your Dad.
🎧 Take 12 minutes to reclaim your calm and care for yourself this Father’s Day—you’re worth it.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how to
cope with Father's Day when yourdad makes you feel anxious or
angry.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:20):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
If Father's Day stirs up moreanxiety than appreciation,
you're not alone.
For many in midlife this holidaybrings old wounds to the
(00:41):
surface, especially when yourfather still has the power to
make you feel small.
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy anger and anxiety about your
dad may still feel so intenseeven in midlife.
I.
How to calm your nervous systemwhen Father's Day triggers
strong emotions and five easycoping skills you can use this
(01:04):
weekend to stay grounded andprotect your peace.
Let's begin with a check-in onMonday's Inner Challenge.
If you listen to that episode, Iinvited you to write a letter to
your dad, not one you needed tosend.
Just one that helps you assesswhere you really are in this
most important relationship.
If you did that exercise, take amoment to reflect.
(01:27):
What came up?
Tenderness, frustration, anger.
Were you surprised by how muchyou still want something from
your dad, an apology approval orsimply peace?
If you didn't get a chance to dothe challenge, it's not too
late.
Writing helps untangle thethoughts that stay knotted in
(01:47):
your head and sets the stage fortoday's episode.
Today we're turning toward theharder part of Father's Day.
The part you might have atendency or desire to avoid even
in your thirties, forties,fifties, or beyond the
relationship you had or didn'thave with your father can still
impact you deeply.
(02:07):
Maybe your dad was critical.
Emotionally distant or someoneyou had to walk on eggshells
around.
When society says, celebrateyour dad, your body might
quietly say, brace yourself.
You might be thinking, I haven'tlived with this man for decades,
or I only see him twice a year.
It's just a 15 minute phonecall.
(02:29):
Why do I find all of this soexhausting?
You also might wonder, why isthis still so triggering?
I'm a full grown adult, but hemakes me feel like a kid.
Let me show you what this canlook like in real life.
One client came to therapy inhis mid forties to work through
unresolved pain with his father.
(02:49):
He had a successful career, aloving family and close friends,
but when he visited his dad, heoften felt 12 years old.
His father would make subtlejabs.
When the client got promoted.
His dad said they always promoteguys in nonprofits.
Real men don't work there.
When he enrolled his kids inmusic lessons, his father said,
(03:10):
you're making them soft if hehelped his wife in the kitchen,
his dad would often joke that hewas such a cute little
housewife.
Each visit, he left angry.
And often he took it out on hiswife by being silent and
withdrawing.
One day she said to him, I needyou to go to therapy and work
out your father issues.
(03:30):
He did, and one of the firstthings he learned is this., You
can move out of your dad'shouse, but he often comes with
you.
Coping skill Number one, namewhat's true without shame.
Did you grow up in a family thatemphasized what your father did?
Coaching your teams, paying thebills while minimizing the
(03:51):
acknowledgement of the emotionalwounds he inflicted.
Now in midlife, as you try toshow up differently for your own
family, your pain resurfaces.
A wise part of you might whisperwhat I'm giving to my children
and others I needed myself.
That's what makes Father's Dayso triggering.
You are allowed to say, thisholiday makes me angry.
(04:14):
I hate Father's Day Commercials.
They make me anxious.
Suppressing or minimizing thesefeelings makes anxiety worse,
but naming them honestly set youon the path to healing.
Remember, you can't tame afeeling until it's named, and
you can't aim yourself towardhealing until you name and tame
(04:37):
your emotional experience.
I invite you to listen toepisodes 53 and 54, where I
focus on this in much greaterdetail.
When it came to managing hisemotions, my client learned
this.
After visits with his dad, hestarted telling his wife, Ugh,
my dad makes me feel like crap.
(04:57):
I need to decompress.
Then he'd take the dog for awalk and unbeknownst to anyone
else but him, and I guess me, hewould speak aloud the things he
wished he could have said to hisfather.
That's the power of namingwhat's true.
It's not something you need toshare with your father.
Truth is a gift and not everyonedeserves that gift, especially
(05:20):
someone you believe will breakit.
Which leads me to coping skillnumber two.
Be patient as you learn toconnect and protect yourself.
As you begin to heal your fatherwounds, you're also learning how
to father yourself.
How to connect with and protectthe parts of you that were hurt.
How to connect with yourself andothers in ways that are
(05:42):
life-giving and healthy.
Dr.
Bessel Vander Klok An expert intrauma and the author of the
Body Keeps the Score, explainsthat trauma and significant hurt
isn't just stored in memory,it's stored in the body.
When you experience overwhelmingevents, especially in childhood,
your nervous system becomeswired to stay on high alert.
(06:05):
Even decades later.
A look, a tone of voice orfamiliar setting can send your
system back into survival mode.
Because the body remembers whatthe mind tries to forget.
For my client, this insightbecame the foundation for his
ritual.
A two hour visit, a statement tohis wife about how he felt,
(06:28):
followed by a solo walk with hisdog, where he practiced saying
the things he wasn't quite readyto say out loud.
Healing from a hurtful oremotionally immature father is
slow.
Slower than you would like it tobe, but like learning a new
language, healing takes time,repetition, effort and care.
(06:49):
Here's something I want toemphasize.
We live in a world where peopleoften say, speak or text your
truth, and others just have todeal with it.
But in family dynamics, I urgecaution too often what we call
truth telling is actuallyretaliation.
You hurt me.
So now I'm gonna hurt you back.
(07:10):
If you want to do better thanyour father, you have to be
better than your father.
Speaking truth with cruelty isnot healing.
It's a reenactment.
That's why I preach patience.
Be the father you needed.
Not the one that you have orhad.
Which means as you head intoFather's Day this weekend, you
(07:31):
need a plan.
Should you be visiting ortalking with your father this
year and your body is saying,warning, warning, warning,
please listen to your body anduse coping skill number three,
prepare for the present with agrounded plan.
Here are five things you can doto protect your peace this
father's day.
(07:52):
One, limit your time.
Shorten the visit call.
Choose a neutral setting ifpossible.
Decide ahead of time what feelsemotionally sustainable for you
this year.
Number two, focus on others whoare there.
Notice the people who make youfeel safe and grounded, they are
just as real as the one whotriggers you.
(08:12):
The brain loves the negative,but let your heart guide you to
those in your family that feelsafe and loving.
Number three, watch your dadlike a movie.
Instead of tracking how hetreats you, observe how he
interacts with others.
Be curious, neutral like areporter.
Here's an example from the couchin my office.
(08:35):
A client shared with me thatover the holiday weekend, his
family was gathered around apicnic table.
His daughter was chatting withher grandmother about her piano
recital.
Grandma had played the piano andthe exchange was warm and
joyful.
Then suddenly his father grabbedone of the young grandsons and
started wrestling with him onthe grass.
It shifted all the attentionaway from the conversation.
(08:58):
Later in session, my client saidit was so bizarre.
The moment wasn't about him andhe couldn't stand it.
He hijacked the attention.
And then he said somethingpowerful.
For the first time, I realizedhe doesn't just do this to me,
he does it to everyone.
I feel a little freer, a littlelighter, a little more hopeful.
(09:21):
Number four, practice breathwork to calm your nervous
system.
Using simple breathingtechniques like box breathing to
bring your body back to safety.
Even 60 seconds of breath workcan reset your emotional state
and help your mind be moreclear.
And lastly, have someone toprocess with afterwards.
(09:42):
Choose someone, a friend,therapist, or partner, or even
your pet who can help youreflect on the experience
afterwards.
Ask them to listen.
I advise them that they don'tneed to fix this.
You've got it.
You don't need to carry theweight of this alone.
Fathers hold enormouspsychological power, and when
(10:03):
that power has been used inharmful ways, it takes courage
and support to heal.
Here is a staggering statistic.
About 27% of Americans have cutoff contact with at least one
family member.
26% of Americans are estrangedfrom their fathers.
Family.
Estrangement is more common thanyou may think.
(10:26):
And while distance is necessaryat times, there is also another
path.
Family is messy.
It's an intergenerationalcommunity, in a culture that
often prioritizes individualneeds over the support, beauty
and messiness that only comeswithin a community of imperfect
(10:47):
humans that we call family.
Do your work with your NorthStar being that your generation
will do its part to make yourfamily healthier.
It's easier to cut off in theshort run.
It's harder to build bridgesthat go the distance.
But bridges are what connect usto life and to each other.
(11:08):
I think bridges are one of theantidotes to the loneliness
epidemic in our culture, whichhas to be fueled somewhat by the
27% estrangement statistic.
If your father is dangerous,yes, protect yourself.
But if he's emotionally limited,you may not need to throw the
whole relationship away.
You can heal the younger part ofyourself without letting the
(11:32):
child run the show.
In time my client learned to saywhen his dad made a shaming
comment.
I see it differently.
Four words.
That's it.
That one sentence broke thecycle, and that is what
generational healing looks like.
I.
In this episode, you'vediscovered why Father's Day can
(11:53):
feel emotionally charged evendecades later.
How your nervous system holdsold wounds from childhood.
And five coping skills toprotect your peace this weekend.
Name what's true without shame.
Be patient as you learn toconnect and protect yourself.
Prepare for the present with agrounded plan.
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Monday withcreating Midlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover how to
cope with Father's Day when yourdad makes you feel anxious or
angry.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:20):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
If Father's Day stirs up moreanxiety than appreciation,
you're not alone.
For many in midlife this holidaybrings old wounds to the
(00:41):
surface, especially when yourfather still has the power to
make you feel small.
In this episode, you'll discoverwhy anger and anxiety about your
dad may still feel so intenseeven in midlife.
I.
How to calm your nervous systemwhen Father's Day triggers
strong emotions and five easycoping skills you can use this
(01:04):
weekend to stay grounded andprotect your peace.
Let's begin with a check-in onMonday's Inner Challenge.
If you listen to that episode, Iinvited you to write a letter to
your dad, not one you needed tosend.
Just one that helps you assesswhere you really are in this
most important relationship.
If you did that exercise, take amoment to reflect.
(01:27):
What came up?
Tenderness, frustration, anger.
Were you surprised by how muchyou still want something from
your dad, an apology approval orsimply peace?
If you didn't get a chance to dothe challenge, it's not too
late.
Writing helps untangle thethoughts that stay knotted in
(01:47):
your head and sets the stage fortoday's episode.
Today we're turning toward theharder part of Father's Day.
The part you might have atendency or desire to avoid even
in your thirties, forties,fifties, or beyond the
relationship you had or didn'thave with your father can still
impact you deeply.
(02:07):
Maybe your dad was critical.
Emotionally distant or someoneyou had to walk on eggshells
around.
When society says, celebrateyour dad, your body might
quietly say, brace yourself.
You might be thinking, I haven'tlived with this man for decades,
or I only see him twice a year.
It's just a 15 minute phonecall.
(02:29):
Why do I find all of this soexhausting?
You also might wonder, why isthis still so triggering?
I'm a full grown adult, but hemakes me feel like a kid.
Let me show you what this canlook like in real life.
One client came to therapy inhis mid forties to work through
unresolved pain with his father.
(02:49):
He had a successful career, aloving family and close friends,
but when he visited his dad, heoften felt 12 years old.
His father would make subtlejabs.
When the client got promoted.
His dad said they always promoteguys in nonprofits.
Real men don't work there.
When he enrolled his kids inmusic lessons, his father said,
(03:10):
you're making them soft if hehelped his wife in the kitchen,
his dad would often joke that hewas such a cute little
housewife.
Each visit, he left angry.
And often he took it out on hiswife by being silent and
withdrawing.
One day she said to him, I needyou to go to therapy and work
out your father issues.
(03:30):
He did, and one of the firstthings he learned is this., You
can move out of your dad'shouse, but he often comes with
you.
Coping skill Number one, namewhat's true without shame.
Did you grow up in a family thatemphasized what your father did?
Coaching your teams, paying thebills while minimizing the
(03:51):
acknowledgement of the emotionalwounds he inflicted.
Now in midlife, as you try toshow up differently for your own
family, your pain resurfaces.
A wise part of you might whisperwhat I'm giving to my children
and others I needed myself.
That's what makes Father's Dayso triggering.
You are allowed to say, thisholiday makes me angry.
(04:14):
I hate Father's Day Commercials.
They make me anxious.
Suppressing or minimizing thesefeelings makes anxiety worse,
but naming them honestly set youon the path to healing.
Remember, you can't tame afeeling until it's named, and
you can't aim yourself towardhealing until you name and tame
(04:37):
your emotional experience.
I invite you to listen toepisodes 53 and 54, where I
focus on this in much greaterdetail.
When it came to managing hisemotions, my client learned
this.
After visits with his dad, hestarted telling his wife, Ugh,
my dad makes me feel like crap.
(04:57):
I need to decompress.
Then he'd take the dog for awalk and unbeknownst to anyone
else but him, and I guess me, hewould speak aloud the things he
wished he could have said to hisfather.
That's the power of namingwhat's true.
It's not something you need toshare with your father.
Truth is a gift and not everyonedeserves that gift, especially
(05:20):
someone you believe will breakit.
Which leads me to coping skillnumber two.
Be patient as you learn toconnect and protect yourself.
As you begin to heal your fatherwounds, you're also learning how
to father yourself.
How to connect with and protectthe parts of you that were hurt.
How to connect with yourself andothers in ways that are
(05:42):
life-giving and healthy.
Dr.
Bessel Vander Klok An expert intrauma and the author of the
Body Keeps the Score, explainsthat trauma and significant hurt
isn't just stored in memory,it's stored in the body.
When you experience overwhelmingevents, especially in childhood,
your nervous system becomeswired to stay on high alert.
(06:05):
Even decades later.
A look, a tone of voice orfamiliar setting can send your
system back into survival mode.
Because the body remembers whatthe mind tries to forget.
For my client, this insightbecame the foundation for his
ritual.
A two hour visit, a statement tohis wife about how he felt,
(06:28):
followed by a solo walk with hisdog, where he practiced saying
the things he wasn't quite readyto say out loud.
Healing from a hurtful oremotionally immature father is
slow.
Slower than you would like it tobe, but like learning a new
language, healing takes time,repetition, effort and care.
(06:49):
Here's something I want toemphasize.
We live in a world where peopleoften say, speak or text your
truth, and others just have todeal with it.
But in family dynamics, I urgecaution too often what we call
truth telling is actuallyretaliation.
You hurt me.
So now I'm gonna hurt you back.
(07:10):
If you want to do better thanyour father, you have to be
better than your father.
Speaking truth with cruelty isnot healing.
It's a reenactment.
That's why I preach patience.
Be the father you needed.
Not the one that you have orhad.
Which means as you head intoFather's Day this weekend, you
(07:31):
need a plan.
Should you be visiting ortalking with your father this
year and your body is saying,warning, warning, warning,
please listen to your body anduse coping skill number three,
prepare for the present with agrounded plan.
Here are five things you can doto protect your peace this
father's day.
(07:52):
One, limit your time.
Shorten the visit call.
Choose a neutral setting ifpossible.
Decide ahead of time what feelsemotionally sustainable for you
this year.
Number two, focus on others whoare there.
Notice the people who make youfeel safe and grounded, they are
just as real as the one whotriggers you.
(08:12):
The brain loves the negative,but let your heart guide you to
those in your family that feelsafe and loving.
Number three, watch your dadlike a movie.
Instead of tracking how hetreats you, observe how he
interacts with others.
Be curious, neutral like areporter.
Here's an example from the couchin my office.
(08:35):
A client shared with me thatover the holiday weekend, his
family was gathered around apicnic table.
His daughter was chatting withher grandmother about her piano
recital.
Grandma had played the piano andthe exchange was warm and
joyful.
Then suddenly his father grabbedone of the young grandsons and
started wrestling with him onthe grass.
It shifted all the attentionaway from the conversation.
(08:58):
Later in session, my client saidit was so bizarre.
The moment wasn't about him andhe couldn't stand it.
He hijacked the attention.
And then he said somethingpowerful.
For the first time, I realizedhe doesn't just do this to me,
he does it to everyone.
I feel a little freer, a littlelighter, a little more hopeful.
(09:21):
Number four, practice breathwork to calm your nervous
system.
Using simple breathingtechniques like box breathing to
bring your body back to safety.
Even 60 seconds of breath workcan reset your emotional state
and help your mind be moreclear.
And lastly, have someone toprocess with afterwards.
(09:42):
Choose someone, a friend,therapist, or partner, or even
your pet who can help youreflect on the experience
afterwards.
Ask them to listen.
I advise them that they don'tneed to fix this.
You've got it.
You don't need to carry theweight of this alone.
Fathers hold enormouspsychological power, and when
(10:03):
that power has been used inharmful ways, it takes courage
and support to heal.
Here is a staggering statistic.
About 27% of Americans have cutoff contact with at least one
family member.
26% of Americans are estrangedfrom their fathers.
Family.
Estrangement is more common thanyou may think.
(10:26):
And while distance is necessaryat times, there is also another
path.
Family is messy.
It's an intergenerationalcommunity, in a culture that
often prioritizes individualneeds over the support, beauty
and messiness that only comeswithin a community of imperfect
(10:47):
humans that we call family.
Do your work with your NorthStar being that your generation
will do its part to make yourfamily healthier.
It's easier to cut off in theshort run.
It's harder to build bridgesthat go the distance.
But bridges are what connect usto life and to each other.
(11:08):
I think bridges are one of theantidotes to the loneliness
epidemic in our culture, whichhas to be fueled somewhat by the
27% estrangement statistic.
If your father is dangerous,yes, protect yourself.
But if he's emotionally limited,you may not need to throw the
whole relationship away.
You can heal the younger part ofyourself without letting the
(11:32):
child run the show.
In time my client learned to saywhen his dad made a shaming
comment.
I see it differently.
Four words.
That's it.
That one sentence broke thecycle, and that is what
generational healing looks like.
I.
In this episode, you'vediscovered why Father's Day can
(11:53):
feel emotionally charged evendecades later.
How your nervous system holdsold wounds from childhood.
And five coping skills toprotect your peace this weekend.
Name what's true without shame.
Be patient as you learn toconnect and protect yourself.
Prepare for the present with agrounded plan.
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Monday withcreating Midlife Calm.
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