June 16, 2025 • 14 mins
Are you worried that aging in midlife means becoming less relevant, less energetic, or less you?
You don’t have to accept that mindset—this episode gives you the tools to reshape it.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- How to identify and challenge the negative beliefs midlife can quietly plant in your mind
- Why your emotional, social, and mental habits matter just as much as your physical ones when it comes to aging well
- Three science-backed coping skills to help you stay connected, mentally clear, and open to growth—no matter your age
Press play to reset how you think about aging and start designing your next chapter with purpose
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how
your midlife mindset can fuelyour coping skills and calm your
anxiety about aging.
Built-in Microphone (00:09):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:30):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:33):
Welcome to the podcast.
In episode 163, I held the firstever midlife graduation.
It was great.
No white dresses.
Easy peasy.
12 minutes you're in, you'reout.
If you missed it, check it out.
We would love to have had youjoin us.
This episode is kind of a followup because we're gonna talk
(00:53):
about becoming aware of thesneaky mindset that begins to
take root in midlife.
It's what I call the I'm notmindset, and you could fill in
the blank a thousand ways.
I'm not needed.
I'm not in shape.
I'm not relevant anymore.
I'm not where I wanna be careerwise.
(01:13):
And I'm 55 and the list goes onand on and on.
To help shift that mindset, I'mgonna walk you through the
emotional challenges of aging,and three coping skills that can
move your mindset from, I'm notto, I want to.
In this episode, you'll discoverhow to lean into midlife so
(01:36):
aging becomes something you canlook forward to.
How to take charge of your agingmindset rather than feeling like
the victim.
And three, coping skills, strongrelationships, reclaiming your
attention, and learning throughchange that will help you age
with clarity and purpose.
Midlife sneaks up on all of us.
(01:56):
Let's be honest, maybe it startswith needing cheaters.
You know those reading glassesmany of us get when we can't
read the fine print?
Maybe like me, it was when asports doc told me at 52, Hey
mj, your body was designed towork well for 47 years.
You are living on borrowed time.
Ouch.
That hurt.
(02:17):
So did my knee.
Today.
I don't wanna talk about youraging body'cause I think there's
so much information out there.
I wanna talk about your agingmindset.
Your brain runs your body, yourmind creates your mindset and to
age well, you need to tend toyour mind or it'll get sucked
into the culture's Worship ofyouth.
(02:38):
Let me tell you a story.
In my fifties.
I was in a book group withmostly therapists in their
thirties and forties.
The clinical case that we aretalking about led to a
conversation about pot.
This was before we had the newerresearch on pot's long-term
effects.
I said to the group in myclinical experience, pot helps
at first, but daily use becomesharmful.
(03:00):
A younger therapist looked at meand she said, you probably only
think that'cause you're old.
This was the first time someonecalled me old, and honestly it
pissed me off.
But that's our culture.
If we want a healthier mindsetabout aging, that's where we
have to start.
Our Culture tells us that beingyoung is where it's at, and
(03:23):
being old is being old.
I doubt anytime soon we're gonnabecome like the East Asian
culture.
where aging is seen as a rise instatus and elders are honored
for their wisdom.
So today on the podcast, I wantto encourage you to really think
about what your mindset is whenit comes to aging.
Let's try with a simple fill inthe blank.
(03:45):
When I think about aging, I.
I have asked this question tomany midlife clients, and I've
heard everything from tears,denial, and fear.
10 years ago, I would've said,aging seems far away.
My kids were at home, my parentswere alive, but now, no kids at
home, no parents.
(04:06):
And the answer that surprised mea few years ago when I asked
myself this question was, I'malmost done, but am I.
Are you?
Probably not.
Now try this one.
When I think about aging, I wantto when I ask clients this, they
Often say things like, I don'twanna be like my mom.
(04:27):
I don't wanna always be focusedon my aches and pains.
I don't wanna be boring.
I don't wanna be alone.
Are you noticing how often youdefine aging by what you don't
want?
Not what you do want.
Why is that?
I think it's'cause the firsthalf of life is about
accumulating.
Think about it.
We accumulate degrees, weaccumulate houses, we accumulate
(04:51):
children, we accumulate pets.
And the second half of life.
About letting go and most ofthat letting go isn't voluntary.
There goes the eyesight, theregoes the promotion.
There goes the parenting.
There goes being someone else'schild.
We enter midlife with a fullcup, but we can end up drained
(05:11):
unless we shift our mindset.
So ask yourself.
How do you want to age?
Not just physically, though,that is important, but
emotionally, socially, mentally,and perhaps most importantly as
a contributor.
Just like your daily exerciseaffects your 85-year-old body,
(05:31):
your mental, emotional andcontributor habits today shape
your future self., In herwonderful book, composing My
Life cultural anthropologist.
Katherine Bateson has a name forthis stage.
She calls it adulthood two.
It's not just an extension ofmidlife.
It's actually a whole newchapter.
(05:52):
A chapter that we do well togive a little bit of attention
to as we are cranking our waythrough midlife.
Adulthood two is a time whenwe're no longer driven by
ambition or survival, but byreflection, purpose and
contribution.
She calls it a phase of activewisdom.
It's when we once again get toanswer the question.
(06:14):
Who am I now?
Now that I've lived all thesedecades, now that I have all
this experience, now that I havea little lighter load to carry.
But this time the culturalscripts aren't so clear, ask
yourself, what might youradulthood to be like?
Will it be the second act ofyour current story or the first
(06:36):
act of something new?
What would it mean to live withactive wisdom instead of just
letting your years roll by anddoing what everybody else is
doing?
Active wisdom is taking what youknow and sharing it, and I don't
mean you have to share it insome huge, worldwide influencer
way.
What I mean is a way that makesyou excited to get up every
(06:58):
morning or at least fourmornings a week and contribute
to those around you.
As you age, I want you to feelvital, engaged, and purposeful.
I.
If you want a great example ofthis check out episode 68.
One day I was at the library andI ran into this interesting man
and we taped an episode abouthow he was entering retirement.
(07:22):
It is such a great episode.
One of the challenges of thislife stage is you are creating
it with limits that you arequite aware of.
May they be physical, financial,or time.
But what research tells us is aswe age, there are three things
that we can do that will notonly help us age better, but
(07:42):
help us figure out how we wantto still be an active
contributor day in and day outof our life.
Because if you'll look at thedemographics, the country is
still gonna need all the talentand wisdom that Midlifers have
to offer.
Let me share with you threecoping skills that I think will
help you cultivate a mindsetabout aging that isn't being put
(08:03):
out to pasture, but rather beingsomeone still inside the fence,
doing good things.
A bit more on your own terms.
Coping skill.
Number one, review yourfriendships.
The secret to aging well is notBotox.
It's your relationships.
I strongly encourage you tothink about your closest
relationships and ask yourself,am I a good friend?
(08:27):
How do I show up for my spouse?
Do I listen?
Do we laugh?
Instead of asking what yourfriends and family can do for
you, take some time to focus onwhat you bring to them.
I have a 94-year-old friend whohas more friends than anyone I
have ever known.
What's her secret?
Curiosity.
(08:48):
She is endlessly curious aboutthe people in her life.
She's an incredible listener andasks such good questions.
for most of us, curiosity is.
Beaten out of us by second orthird grade.
But in midlife with the wisdomand the experience you have, you
can slow things down, take sometime, and really ask the people
(09:11):
that you care about the mostquestions about their day-to-day
life.
This has almost become a lostart, but this good friend of
mine has shown me how valuableit has been.
In our relationship, and Ireally encourage you to think
about doing this with those thatyou love the most coping skill.
Number two, take back your mind.
(09:34):
You may not know it, but we livein an attention economy.
What does that mean?
it means that most of ourprofits at this point are being
derived from different thingstaking your attention.
Yes.
In short, your brain and mybrain is being hijacked.
(09:54):
I'm pretty sure US midlifers arenot gonna change the economic
system of the United States ofAmerica, but what we can do.
Change our mind.
And in order to do that, I wannahave a one woman campaign to
bring back silence.
I don't mean silence 24 7, Ijust mean silence every day here
(10:15):
and there.
I wanna encourage you to findtime for silence For you.
it might be driving in your car.
No podcasts, no music.
Perhaps when you walk, you leaveyour earbuds at home or maybe in
the morning instead of going toyour phone, you listen to the
emptiness and the stillness allaround you until, of course your
(10:37):
kids wake up.
If you want to cultivate ahealthier mindset, you need to
have access to your mind, andthe only way to do that is to be
able to hear your thoughtsagain.
The more you do this, the moreyou'll be able to direct your
thoughts to where you want themto go, not where that TV in the
restaurant wants them to go.
(10:59):
Midlife is the perfect time toreclaim your focus and is really
essential if you want to age ina way where you are in touch
with what's going on inside ofyou, Not tethered to all of that
out there.
Knowing what's going on insideof you will help you answer the
(11:19):
question, what do I want and Whoam I now?
in a more authentic, honest, andinvigorating way?
Coping skill.
Number three, embrace change bylearning.
Let me share a quick story.
We were out to dinner recentlywith a friend of ours who had
recently retired.
He had had it.
(11:40):
He was done with his job.
He sat at the table and he said,I don't want any more change.
I'm sick of all the change.
I'm retired and I wanteverything to stay the same.
We all laughed, and to behonest, I think we all
understood where he was comingfrom., But I also know for
(12:00):
retirement, that will not be thegift he gets.
Because change, it's the onething we can count on.
Midlife requires letting go, butit doesn't mean falling into a
void.
It's a path you get to design ifyou're willing to learn the
antidote to change.
Learning.
One of the interesting thingsabout being a therapist is I
(12:24):
work with people in the wholelifespan I have clients in their
mid eighties who are quite adeptat technology, and I have
clients in their mid seventieswho can't even turn on an
iPhone.
What kind of aging person do youwanna be?
Are you going to be a person whocontinues to learn, continues to
change?
(12:45):
I sure hope so.
If part of your aging mindsetis, I am a learner, you are
gonna learn how to support astruggling child.
You're gonna learn how to managea new health issue.
You're gonna learn how to pivotin your work or perhaps
repackage it post-retirement ina way that gives you meaning.
Watch the people around you whoare aging well.
(13:07):
Take them to lunch.
Ask them to share with you theirsecrets of life.
I have done that numerous times,and it is so rewarding, not just
for me, but for them.
So, dance with change bybecoming a student of life.
You don't need to have yourmindset all figured out by the
end of this podcast, all Iwanted to do was point you in
(13:30):
the direction.
Because it's really easy in ourculture to have your mindset be,
I'm not, and I want you, as youmove through the days and the
weeks to nurture your mindset Inthis episode, you've discovered
how midlife can become a newchapter for reflection.
Purpose and personal growth.
How shifting your mindset canhelp you embrace aging with
(13:53):
clarity and intention.
And three, practical copingskills to build stronger
relationships, reclaim yourfocus and stay open to learning
as you age.
Your inner challenge this weekis to observe.
People you know and how theyage.
Take note of what they're doingwell that you hope to emulate.
(14:15):
Take note of where theirstruggles are that you hope to
avoid.
In your car by yourself with nomusic on, allow yourself to
reflect on what you'reobserving.
It's about noticing what youbelieve and choosing how you
would like to grow.
I'll be back on Thursday with afollow-up episode about coming
(14:37):
to terms with disappointmentsthat can't be changed in
midlife.
Thanks for listening to creatingMidlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover how
your midlife mindset can fuelyour coping skills and calm your
anxiety about aging.
Built-in Microphone (00:09):
Welcome to Creating Midlife Calm, a podcast
dedicated to empowering midlifeminds to overcome anxiety, stop
feeling like crap and becomemore present with your family,
all while achieving greatersuccess at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
(00:30):
experience teaching mentalwellness.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:33):
Welcome to the podcast.
In episode 163, I held the firstever midlife graduation.
It was great.
No white dresses.
Easy peasy.
12 minutes you're in, you'reout.
If you missed it, check it out.
We would love to have had youjoin us.
This episode is kind of a followup because we're gonna talk
(00:53):
about becoming aware of thesneaky mindset that begins to
take root in midlife.
It's what I call the I'm notmindset, and you could fill in
the blank a thousand ways.
I'm not needed.
I'm not in shape.
I'm not relevant anymore.
I'm not where I wanna be careerwise.
(01:13):
And I'm 55 and the list goes onand on and on.
To help shift that mindset, I'mgonna walk you through the
emotional challenges of aging,and three coping skills that can
move your mindset from, I'm notto, I want to.
In this episode, you'll discoverhow to lean into midlife so
(01:36):
aging becomes something you canlook forward to.
How to take charge of your agingmindset rather than feeling like
the victim.
And three, coping skills, strongrelationships, reclaiming your
attention, and learning throughchange that will help you age
with clarity and purpose.
Midlife sneaks up on all of us.
(01:56):
Let's be honest, maybe it startswith needing cheaters.
You know those reading glassesmany of us get when we can't
read the fine print?
Maybe like me, it was when asports doc told me at 52, Hey
mj, your body was designed towork well for 47 years.
You are living on borrowed time.
Ouch.
That hurt.
(02:17):
So did my knee.
Today.
I don't wanna talk about youraging body'cause I think there's
so much information out there.
I wanna talk about your agingmindset.
Your brain runs your body, yourmind creates your mindset and to
age well, you need to tend toyour mind or it'll get sucked
into the culture's Worship ofyouth.
(02:38):
Let me tell you a story.
In my fifties.
I was in a book group withmostly therapists in their
thirties and forties.
The clinical case that we aretalking about led to a
conversation about pot.
This was before we had the newerresearch on pot's long-term
effects.
I said to the group in myclinical experience, pot helps
at first, but daily use becomesharmful.
(03:00):
A younger therapist looked at meand she said, you probably only
think that'cause you're old.
This was the first time someonecalled me old, and honestly it
pissed me off.
But that's our culture.
If we want a healthier mindsetabout aging, that's where we
have to start.
Our Culture tells us that beingyoung is where it's at, and
(03:23):
being old is being old.
I doubt anytime soon we're gonnabecome like the East Asian
culture.
where aging is seen as a rise instatus and elders are honored
for their wisdom.
So today on the podcast, I wantto encourage you to really think
about what your mindset is whenit comes to aging.
Let's try with a simple fill inthe blank.
(03:45):
When I think about aging, I.
I have asked this question tomany midlife clients, and I've
heard everything from tears,denial, and fear.
10 years ago, I would've said,aging seems far away.
My kids were at home, my parentswere alive, but now, no kids at
home, no parents.
(04:06):
And the answer that surprised mea few years ago when I asked
myself this question was, I'malmost done, but am I.
Are you?
Probably not.
Now try this one.
When I think about aging, I wantto when I ask clients this, they
Often say things like, I don'twanna be like my mom.
(04:27):
I don't wanna always be focusedon my aches and pains.
I don't wanna be boring.
I don't wanna be alone.
Are you noticing how often youdefine aging by what you don't
want?
Not what you do want.
Why is that?
I think it's'cause the firsthalf of life is about
accumulating.
Think about it.
We accumulate degrees, weaccumulate houses, we accumulate
(04:51):
children, we accumulate pets.
And the second half of life.
About letting go and most ofthat letting go isn't voluntary.
There goes the eyesight, theregoes the promotion.
There goes the parenting.
There goes being someone else'schild.
We enter midlife with a fullcup, but we can end up drained
(05:11):
unless we shift our mindset.
So ask yourself.
How do you want to age?
Not just physically, though,that is important, but
emotionally, socially, mentally,and perhaps most importantly as
a contributor.
Just like your daily exerciseaffects your 85-year-old body,
(05:31):
your mental, emotional andcontributor habits today shape
your future self., In herwonderful book, composing My
Life cultural anthropologist.
Katherine Bateson has a name forthis stage.
She calls it adulthood two.
It's not just an extension ofmidlife.
It's actually a whole newchapter.
(05:52):
A chapter that we do well togive a little bit of attention
to as we are cranking our waythrough midlife.
Adulthood two is a time whenwe're no longer driven by
ambition or survival, but byreflection, purpose and
contribution.
She calls it a phase of activewisdom.
It's when we once again get toanswer the question.
(06:14):
Who am I now?
Now that I've lived all thesedecades, now that I have all
this experience, now that I havea little lighter load to carry.
But this time the culturalscripts aren't so clear, ask
yourself, what might youradulthood to be like?
Will it be the second act ofyour current story or the first
(06:36):
act of something new?
What would it mean to live withactive wisdom instead of just
letting your years roll by anddoing what everybody else is
doing?
Active wisdom is taking what youknow and sharing it, and I don't
mean you have to share it insome huge, worldwide influencer
way.
What I mean is a way that makesyou excited to get up every
(06:58):
morning or at least fourmornings a week and contribute
to those around you.
As you age, I want you to feelvital, engaged, and purposeful.
I.
If you want a great example ofthis check out episode 68.
One day I was at the library andI ran into this interesting man
and we taped an episode abouthow he was entering retirement.
(07:22):
It is such a great episode.
One of the challenges of thislife stage is you are creating
it with limits that you arequite aware of.
May they be physical, financial,or time.
But what research tells us is aswe age, there are three things
that we can do that will notonly help us age better, but
(07:42):
help us figure out how we wantto still be an active
contributor day in and day outof our life.
Because if you'll look at thedemographics, the country is
still gonna need all the talentand wisdom that Midlifers have
to offer.
Let me share with you threecoping skills that I think will
help you cultivate a mindsetabout aging that isn't being put
(08:03):
out to pasture, but rather beingsomeone still inside the fence,
doing good things.
A bit more on your own terms.
Coping skill.
Number one, review yourfriendships.
The secret to aging well is notBotox.
It's your relationships.
I strongly encourage you tothink about your closest
relationships and ask yourself,am I a good friend?
(08:27):
How do I show up for my spouse?
Do I listen?
Do we laugh?
Instead of asking what yourfriends and family can do for
you, take some time to focus onwhat you bring to them.
I have a 94-year-old friend whohas more friends than anyone I
have ever known.
What's her secret?
Curiosity.
(08:48):
She is endlessly curious aboutthe people in her life.
She's an incredible listener andasks such good questions.
for most of us, curiosity is.
Beaten out of us by second orthird grade.
But in midlife with the wisdomand the experience you have, you
can slow things down, take sometime, and really ask the people
(09:11):
that you care about the mostquestions about their day-to-day
life.
This has almost become a lostart, but this good friend of
mine has shown me how valuableit has been.
In our relationship, and Ireally encourage you to think
about doing this with those thatyou love the most coping skill.
Number two, take back your mind.
(09:34):
You may not know it, but we livein an attention economy.
What does that mean?
it means that most of ourprofits at this point are being
derived from different thingstaking your attention.
Yes.
In short, your brain and mybrain is being hijacked.
(09:54):
I'm pretty sure US midlifers arenot gonna change the economic
system of the United States ofAmerica, but what we can do.
Change our mind.
And in order to do that, I wannahave a one woman campaign to
bring back silence.
I don't mean silence 24 7, Ijust mean silence every day here
(10:15):
and there.
I wanna encourage you to findtime for silence For you.
it might be driving in your car.
No podcasts, no music.
Perhaps when you walk, you leaveyour earbuds at home or maybe in
the morning instead of going toyour phone, you listen to the
emptiness and the stillness allaround you until, of course your
(10:37):
kids wake up.
If you want to cultivate ahealthier mindset, you need to
have access to your mind, andthe only way to do that is to be
able to hear your thoughtsagain.
The more you do this, the moreyou'll be able to direct your
thoughts to where you want themto go, not where that TV in the
restaurant wants them to go.
(10:59):
Midlife is the perfect time toreclaim your focus and is really
essential if you want to age ina way where you are in touch
with what's going on inside ofyou, Not tethered to all of that
out there.
Knowing what's going on insideof you will help you answer the
(11:19):
question, what do I want and Whoam I now?
in a more authentic, honest, andinvigorating way?
Coping skill.
Number three, embrace change bylearning.
Let me share a quick story.
We were out to dinner recentlywith a friend of ours who had
recently retired.
He had had it.
(11:40):
He was done with his job.
He sat at the table and he said,I don't want any more change.
I'm sick of all the change.
I'm retired and I wanteverything to stay the same.
We all laughed, and to behonest, I think we all
understood where he was comingfrom., But I also know for
(12:00):
retirement, that will not be thegift he gets.
Because change, it's the onething we can count on.
Midlife requires letting go, butit doesn't mean falling into a
void.
It's a path you get to design ifyou're willing to learn the
antidote to change.
Learning.
One of the interesting thingsabout being a therapist is I
(12:24):
work with people in the wholelifespan I have clients in their
mid eighties who are quite adeptat technology, and I have
clients in their mid seventieswho can't even turn on an
iPhone.
What kind of aging person do youwanna be?
Are you going to be a person whocontinues to learn, continues to
change?
(12:45):
I sure hope so.
If part of your aging mindsetis, I am a learner, you are
gonna learn how to support astruggling child.
You're gonna learn how to managea new health issue.
You're gonna learn how to pivotin your work or perhaps
repackage it post-retirement ina way that gives you meaning.
Watch the people around you whoare aging well.
(13:07):
Take them to lunch.
Ask them to share with you theirsecrets of life.
I have done that numerous times,and it is so rewarding, not just
for me, but for them.
So, dance with change bybecoming a student of life.
You don't need to have yourmindset all figured out by the
end of this podcast, all Iwanted to do was point you in
(13:30):
the direction.
Because it's really easy in ourculture to have your mindset be,
I'm not, and I want you, as youmove through the days and the
weeks to nurture your mindset Inthis episode, you've discovered
how midlife can become a newchapter for reflection.
Purpose and personal growth.
How shifting your mindset canhelp you embrace aging with
(13:53):
clarity and intention.
And three, practical copingskills to build stronger
relationships, reclaim yourfocus and stay open to learning
as you age.
Your inner challenge this weekis to observe.
People you know and how theyage.
Take note of what they're doingwell that you hope to emulate.
(14:15):
Take note of where theirstruggles are that you hope to
avoid.
In your car by yourself with nomusic on, allow yourself to
reflect on what you'reobserving.
It's about noticing what youbelieve and choosing how you
would like to grow.
I'll be back on Thursday with afollow-up episode about coming
(14:37):
to terms with disappointmentsthat can't be changed in
midlife.
Thanks for listening to creatingMidlife Calm.
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Dateline NBC
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Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.